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Relationship woes!! Help me!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. lately I've been feeling like he's holding me back.
I've always wanted to travel and do things with my life. I never wanted to be the settle down get married and have kids type. Right now I work 50 hours a week, I'm barely scraping by. I'm 21 and I haven't done anything with my life at all.
My boyfriend has just graduated college. He lives with me and doesn't have a job, and I'm supporting him, paying all the rent and bills and food and all that. So I can't afford to go out with friends and stuff. Which, for him is totally ok, becuase he's the type that likes to stay in and watch movies.
I just feel that if I stay with him, I'm stuck with this boring life forever. But I do love him for his humor, his personality, his intelligence, the sex is great, and many other things. He is a really great guy. I'm afraid that I've been with him for so long that I've gotten comfortable and wouldn't know how to be with anyone else.
I'm just so lost right now and I don't think this little explanation does it justice. I don't know what to do. Any and ALL feedback would be great.
Thanks
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I've read carefully your explanations and there are three solutions that will solve your problem. All you have to do is pick one of them. Just to warn you though they all will be quite painful but sometimes we have to change/mix some things up to allow greater things to come.
1.Stay with your boyfriend and continue with the boring life that you've got used to.
2.Leave him behind and reach out to your dreams which in my opinion is far more important than having a partner who is so unsupportive because let's be honest if he was a mature partner he would let you to achieve your life long ambitions.
3.Talk to your partner and explain how you are feeling. Tell him that these goals of yours are important to you. Basically give him a chance to try and stand on his own legs. If he doesn't than either stay with him or leave him (I would leave but that's just me).
Hope that I've helped.
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I'm going to be honest with you. Yes, you may seem like you 'love' him, but think about it. You're 21, live life! If you are working so hard, don't you ever think that you deserve a break? Or, if you can escape and feel like you don't have to worry about anything? And if your boyfriend doesn't try to find a job to at least help out, if it were me, I would dump him.
I know you may say no, heck there is a high chance of it, but do what makes YOU happy. Judging by now, you wrote this question in seek of advice; if you were not happy you would not have written this question... but you did...
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If you're working 50 hours a week to support a household and are succeeding but just barely, you do not exist within the financial circle that you get to have the exciting traveling life.
This is more about you than him. You feel trapped by your life, not your relationship.
What's with the job thing on his side? You said just, it's September and he graduated in May? Is he job hunting?
Personally I think you need a new plan for yourself, and nothing you've said lets me know whether this relationship would work or not work.
But your problem now is that you're realizing that adult life is mostly glamorless. You had a bunch of adolescent fantasies about how your life would be, but you have not lived a life which set you up to be a professional who travels for work or to have the money to travel for fun.
Can that change? No idea. But if that's what needs to change, that's what you need to figure out. Don't put your unhappiness on your relationship here, because everything you've expressed says that the problem is yours and yours alone at this point.
It's not even defined. You want to travel and "do things with your life" but you don't even have things to list. You don't actually have a dream here, so what exactly could your relationship be holding you back from? If you were in here saying "I have this plan and my life is unsustainable with him in it, here are the problems he causes which detract from my ability to deal with the world around me in a healthy and effective manner" it would be different.
You are chafing under adult responsibility. Yeah, you seem to resent that he isn't contributing to the household. That's fine, it's a problem it sounds like you have not addressed to him and need to. So go take care of that and have a serious conversation about it.
Beyond that, if he goes out and gets a job and contributes and you can afford to go out and you still feel like this, it has nothing to do with him. If you want to get out more, express that need. See if he can recognize and change his habits to make you happier.
The best relationships are comfortable. That doesn't mean they're absent passion. You said the sex is great, so yours obviously isn't either. If you crave the adrenaline rush of excitement it's not his job to provide you with that. It's his job to go out with you to find some of it and experience it with you. But there is also a point to be made that it's not your relationship's job to satisfy every need you ever have. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, sometimes you have to make your own changes to make yourself happy without depending on someone else to give you the motivation or a plan and without resenting them if it blows up in your face.
That's how life works.
Oh and last, great sex isn't required for every relationship, just for all the relationships where someone brings up sex as a positive or negative of the relationship in conversation.
If you both don't care, sure, sex can be sacrificed. You care. Good sex isn't optional. Nor is it a byproduct of a good relationship by default. The more you like sex, the more sexual compatibility is important. So, say, for me, it's absolutely critical. Bad sex is an absolute deal breaker, I cannot look at someone with attraction if they aren't good in bed.
There's nothing wrong with that, either. I'm allowed to have my own individual needs in a relationship, so are you. Ignore people who tell you that things which are a priority for you shouldn't be.
Thing is, you also have to be aware that they are YOUR priorities. They matter most to you, and you have the most responsibility by far to see that your priorities are met.
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I like lightoftruths answer. In fact I do not think other than phrasing it differently I could not say it any better.
Two things make a great relationship and one of them is not sex. Sex is a side benefit of a great relationship. A great relationship as its base or foundation, if you will has, compatibility and communication as its base.
Part of compatibility would include good sex but it also includes some of the other things you mentioned you would like to do with life. If your life mate is not on the same page with you in these areas all of the other benefits of the relationship you mention will one by one sour. Which may already be happening since you have chosen to write to us for advice.
Communication is probably the most important part of a relationship. It does not mean you must constantly talk to one another. What it means is when you need to talk, need to communicate a feeling, a desire or a need you can do so openly without reservation or fear.
The sex is great, he makes you laugh but can you really talk to him. I have to think you cannot or you would not be writing to us for advice. In other situations a line I like to use in my advice to them is; "sex will only take a relationship so far; one day you wake up and find you need to talk to each other and find you have nothing in common." Is this where you find yourself now?
It would not be right for any of us to tell you to stay with him or to leave him. What I will tell you is I believe you need to sit down and reexamine your relationship with him. To stay with someone because you have become comfortable or the relationship feels like a comfortable pair of slippers. To my mind is not right; at some point those slippers will start to become uncomfortable and you will want to replace them. What do you do then, especially if those slippers have spawned little slippers.
My advice is you need to sit down think about what you really want and need from a relationship. Then sit down and talk to your boyfriend and see if he is willing to work at this relationship at least to a compromise point that is good for both of you. He can't fix something he may not know is broken unless you tell him. He deserves at least that much before you make any decision to leave the relationship.
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Yeah there can be relationships that are comfortable like an old robe, old pair of slippers or a worn baseball mitt. There's a big difference between comfortable and someone being the love of your life that you can't stand being apart from.
Healthy relationships are based on having a great friendship and having the chemistry for sex too.
Regarding the friendship part, you're not gonna hang with a girlfriend whom you find doesn't like to do the same things you do...it would be a waste of your time. Why should it be different with a guy.
I'll tell you why people treat that different.
Because, when it comes to the opposite sex, we all feel the pressure to couple up with someone. So if we find a 'nice' person even if you have nothing in common as far as hobbies, interests, dreams, goals, core values, beliefs..etc, we latch on and try to make it work because of a fear of not finding anyone better. So people settle for less. Then after so many years of marriage, they finally crack and can't handle it anymore and break the heart of the mate who is willing to continue settling for less, but the other partner is tired of changing who they are to fit someone else. So they split. The hurt to a partner is inevitable, either after 4 years or after many years of marriage, hurt is hurt. But he will recover eventually and hopefully find someone more suited to him. Never change who you are to fit another person, that is a bad mistake.
I don't think this is as much a problem financially as it is not the right guy. The right guy isn't going to live off of you but want to provide for you so you dont have to work as hard and he'll want to do so because he is so in love with you.
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I think you answered your question. You love him, care for him but you're not ready to settle down.
You guys got together young and you're still trying to figure yourself out. That's completely fine. So take a break, go enjoy yourself and do what you want to do. You'll be holding him back from something great if you stay with him and you're not happy either.
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You may need to take a break for awhile, The relationship seems to be a bit overbearing for you. It is okay to support your spouse for a certain amount of time but you mentioned nothing of him trying to get a job. You pretty much answered your own question my dear, You should and need to do what is best for you not him. Perhaps you love him, Sometimes love just isn't always enough in a relationship. If you really do feel this way, You may need to let him go and rekindle later when he is more stable if it is meant to be. Right now, You have a life you want to live, You have goals and you shall follow them. Never allow someone to hold you back from achieving what you may only achieve once.
Best of luck
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