ask FernGully
the angry canadian



Ferns General Advice Do or do not, there is no try. If you have to try, then it just isn't you.
If you aren't sure if you should have sex with him, then you are not ready to have sex with him.
"But I still love him!" Well he does not love you. If he loved you, he would not hurt you.
Let's get one thing straight. STUPIDITY IS NOT COOL. So hey, why not aim for more?

There's your answer fishbulb.



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I'm a 21 year old useful person. I am generally not in the advice game except for some rare occasions. I am mostly here to help keep advicenators running smoothly (though they don't really need me).

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14/f
i've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.
weve been fighting the past three days and we usually never fight. but we came into a discussion that really bothered me.
apparently he said he could do better then me. so then i asked, how? and he said "listen i love your personality, and how you make me feel, i seriously love you, the only way i could do better then you is in looks" he kinda then saw me tearing and he told me he wasn't calling me ugly. and then i told him to just drop the conversation and we did but the rest of our day was good. i just really never thought i was ugly.. but i didn't think i was gorgeous.. just average you know? i mean other guys have asked me out in the past but yeah. so i guess im ugly.. what do i do now? :( (Indeed)

Someone telling you they could do better is a sure sign that you need to move on. No one that cares about you would say something like that to you, even in the heat of a fight. That said, you've been together a while and you may want to tell him that what he said was unacceptable. The problem is there isn't much of a defense he can come up with to explain himself, what he said is having a serious effect on your self esteem.

To be perfectly honest, you shouldn't be with someone who talks to you in that way. You should never settle, and maybe if he thinks he can do much better, that he shouldn't "settle" either. I guarantee you can do better.




I want to speak to my girlfriend for about 15 minutes per day. Usually i will call her fairly early on in the night about 5pm. We have been going out about 6 months now. The problems only really arise when she is busy and says she will call me back later, usually in ten minutes to half an hour. When she doesnt call me back, i call her again, she will then usually say she is busy doing something else and will once again say that she will call me back in ten minutes to half an hour. Then she doesnt call so i call again, this happens a few times in the night until i get upset she doesnt want to talk to me, and she gets angry that i am calling her so often. Then we have a massive argument where she says im too clingy and i say she doesnt really care about me. We only really get to see each other once a week because she lives quite far away. She says she loves me and i say i love her, but she never really seems to want to talk to me unless she is bored. I'm really struggling for what to do because it is upsetting me a lot but i love her and dont want to break up with her. Any help would be much appreciated. thanks. (Indeed)

I'll be honest, I've had a boyfriend who called me every day, and if I genuinely was too busy to talk at the time I'd say "I'll call you back." Then I would get to doing things and he would call again, assuming I had forgotten or didn't want to talk to him - but this wasn't true at all. I simply wasn't done what I was doing, or needed to do something else, sometimes the thing I was doing was eating dinner with my family.

I started to get very frustrated and felt very suffocated, and it got to the point where I simply did NOT want to talk to him when he called. He called so often I felt exactly how she does - that he was clingy. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true.

It is her problem just as much as yours, because it's your relationship together on the line, but you need to stop calling. Tell her that if she's interested in talking to you, she can call you. No one likes to be called out of routine or guilt, and that's two things you may be using to get her on the phone. She wants to talk to you when she has something to say, not because it's a certain time of day and she's expected to talk to you.

Give her space. I can almost guarantee if you stop calling her, she'll feel much less suffocated.




be prepared, its a bit long.


my boyfriend have been going out for about 5 months. he's amazing. it was actually one of those best friends for life, turned love, things er whatever. but the thing is: he has jealousy issues like no other. he always tells me that guys are flirting with me, and he doesn't like it. i admit, i do flirt with guys, but its my nature. i grew up with guys. and i dont see flirting like most people do. i know its bad, but i cant seem to get it through my boyfriend's head that i only like him. and not anyone else. i try to explain i dont mean to flirt. but he just says 'okay' in that sarcastic, i know he's lying sort of way. and to top it all off. he 'flirts' with other girls too. if he wants to say that i do. but i know he doesnt mean it.

[bt the way, "flirting" in the sense. would be me pushing a guy. or pretending to throw him in the water. or the definition of childish flirting. i'm not even talking about like, kissing other guys or anything]

..and i definitly don't want to screw things up with the one guy that i dont have any problems with [well, besdies this].


so, im asking.
could anyone give advice on how i could possibly.
try to stop "flirting" with people.
or how to get it through his head, that i dont mean to.
because i think he only partially believes me. (Indeed)

Look, I'll tell you right now that you are going to hate my answer to this.

The best solution you have? Stop dating him.
Overly jealous guys are always going to be overly jealous guys, no matter how hard to try to change them. And believe me, it will only get worse.

If you really just refuse to break up with him, then it's possible that you could ease the tension between you two by outlining exactly what you BOTH consider flirting. Tell him that he is suffering some trust issues, and if he can't trust you, why is he still with you? And how can you trust him if he cannot put trust in you?

Another method is to just tell him flat out that you have guys friends and there is nothing he can do to stop you from being friends with whomever you wish. Tell him that if he can't accept the way you act, then you can't be together. Chances are if you give him that kind of ultimatum, he'll try to stop saying the things about flirting. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean he'll stop thinking them. As I said before, people don't often change much and you need to think about whether you can continue to deal with this, especially if you have to inevitably deal with the situation getting worse and more of your life being influenced by the guy.




okay, my mom found out that i was sexually active with my bf (i was 14, he was 15) and she put me on birth control. well, i am still with the same bf; he even lives in my house, but our sex life is almost non-exsistant. i want to get off of the pill. all it has done for me is made me gain weight. my bf pretends that i am still 110 lbs but trust me, i know he has noticed the weight gain. we dont have sex anymore, and in the four years we've been dating we have used a condom every single time--why wont my mother let me get off of the pill? is there some threat that she is afraid to tell me--or is it just a mother thing? (Indeed)

Your mother is probably just terrified you'll get pregnant, which is still possible even if you're using a condom. If you want to get off the pill, talk to your doctor. I don't mean tell your mom to talk to your doctor, I mean go to the doctor and tell them what you told me.

There are other benefits to birth control aside from the important anti-baby-making ones, it also regulates your period, and may even tone down the effects those hormones from your period have on your body. So definitely talk to your doctor about what kind of effects it will have if you do come off of the pill.

Is there a chance you and your boyfriend will start having sex again? If there is, I would consider a new diet and maybe exercise routine to deal with the added weight, instead of coming off the pill. Or, talk to your doctor about a different pill or a different form of birth control that may not cause weight gain, since they're all really different.




There's a guy in my english class that I have a crush on but he doesn't notice me. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend. How can I tell if he has a girlfriend, and how can I get him to notice me? I would like him to ask me out, and he used to stare at me. Please e-mail back.

-CurosityGirl (Indeed)

This answer will have to suffice, I prefer not to give out my contact email. I'm sure you understand.

The best way to answer all of these concerns is to befriend him. Strike up a conversation about something in English class and just be friendly. That way, not only will you increase your chances by getting to know him, you'll also be able to find out if he has a girlfriend too. The more you get to know him, the more likely he'll like you back.




i've been going out with my boyfriend for like 13 months, and we've had sex about 4 times, but each time i get nervous beacuse i'm so nervous it's going to hurt. i really love my boyfriend, and he always says he doesn't mind but i want to do it but i'm nervous, what should i do? (Indeed)

The thing is, if you're nervous about it hurting, it will hurt. When you get nervous, your muscles tense up and when your muscles are tense, it makes the whole thing that much more difficult (tight muscles = smaller vaginal cavity, situation).
If you can't shake the nervousness, maybe wait a bit longer and tell him not to initiate anything. When you feel really in control, you might be more relaxed and if you're relaxed, your muscles will be relaxed which means it shouldn't hurt as much. It might also put your mind at ease over the situation of pain if you use condoms that come lubed, or use lube on your condom (because I assume you'll be using one, or many. Otherwise it's just silly considering all the risks and stuff.)




Not that this needs to be figured out like, now, but I figured I'd ask you guys for your opinions. I'm 18/f, he's 20/m if it matters.
There's a dance coming up here, and I want to go, because I love dances - they're fun, and an excuse for me to get overdressed, lol.
The problem is my boyfriend really isn't much of a dancer. I don't really want to go alone. I hinted to him that there was a dance and my friend was trying to convince me to go, but he didn't really say anything on the subject.
So - I guess what I really wanna know is if I should ask him to come with me anyway, even though he doesn't really like dances, or if I should just go alone.
Please lay off the chatspeak. If I have to read your answer twice to understand it, you're not getting a five. (Indeed)

I think that (overgeneralization ahead) women seem to expect men to know. The key word here was "hinted." I personally do things like this all the time, and we just expect them to know what is going on. Truth is, they probably just don't, so I think we should start telling them straight up.

Tell him you don't want to go alone, even though you know he doesn't like dances, maybe he could come for your sake. I'm sure he's willing to make sacrifices to make you happy.

If he still says no, even after you've blatantly asked him to come, go alone and have a great time with friends. He'll be sad he missed the fun and quality time with you.




I hate to place such a long babblement on you, but I've always approved of your advice, so here goes.
Okay, so the issue at hand is essentially this: I like a guy, and he appears to like me. Or at least, he did.
My roommate kinda had a thing for this guy. But I started hanging out with him because we had a lot in common, and he sort of developed a crush on me. I hate to admit it, but my feelings for him kinda grew and I developed a pretty mutual crush on him.
He and I fooled around a little, I admit, but here's where it gets complicated.
He came to the dorm one time while my roommate was there, and we ended up laying on my bed talking.
My roommate proceeded to throw things at us and wholly piss us both off. She hit ME in the head at one point, and her friend was trying to get her to stop.
Since then, nothing has really happened with me and this guy.
I think he stopped because he doesn't want to deal with my roommate. Every single one of our friends, both his and mine, think there's more than just friendship between us.
Even our theory teacher, I think, knows something. We've come into class together a few times, we talk all the time, we're always the last to leave...
My issue is kind of this: On one hand, I'd like to continue whatever me and this guy have going...but I don't want it to escalate into a relationship because he's a good friend and I'm worried about losing the friendship.
So I guess my question is what should I do about this? Should I just let it go? I hate to admit that I'm attracted to him, but I am. My roommate is "kind of dating" someone else, so that's not a problem, really (it shouldn't be). I guess what I want is kind of a friends with benefits kind of thing, without it getting too complicated...
My first instinct is to talk to him about it, but I'm not sure that would pan out too well.
What do you think? (Indeed)

The problem with friends with benefits is that it indeed, is bound to get complicated. I honestly believe that even if you outline rules beforehand such as "no attachments" and whatnot, someone always seems to get attached, and that's when it turns ugly. Also, you mentioned that you wouldn't want to pursue a relationship because it would put your friendship at risk, but I think that casual fooling around with one another/other friends with benefits enjoyment would be more damaging and "weirding out" of your friendship than a relationship, because at least there, you would know where each of you stand. In my entirely humble opinion, I believe you should decide whether you like him enough to pursue a relationship beyond friendship, or stay friends, without the complications of benefits. Don't go halfsies, because I really think it will end up messy. You should consider choosing friendship or boyfriend, not the in between.
If you're afraid or unwilling to make the commitment of a relationship right now in your life - stay friends only, at least until you are ready to delve into something more.




I am 13 year old boy in the 7th grade and I met this incredible girl over the summer. I had asked her out, but she wasn't allowed to date, yet I got her phone number. I still wasn't sure if she liked me as I liked her. Because as school came around I felt closer to her.I asked her out again during school, yet she still couldn't date!!!!!!! We have our last period together and we sit next to each other. Neither of us are very social at that time. I don't know if she feels the way I feel because I can feel this in no crush... I am in love with her. I need advice on when to ask, her where to ask her, what to ask her to, and if she can go how should I dress and what should I bring. (Indeed)

If she's not allowed to date, you should hold back on asking her out. You don't want her to constantly have to keep reminding you, since that might annoy her or remind her that she really isn't allowed (possibly a tad depressing for her). I suggest you tell her that you care about her, but that you realize that you can only be friends and you're okay with that. If you truly do care about her the way you say you do, you'll understand that she can't help her parents decisions, and that you should be happy to simply be friends. Eventually, as time goes on, she will be allowed to date, and if you're friends, maybe you'll be the one she chooses, since you've been kind enough to be such a friend.

As for the rest of your question, if she finally is allowed to date, don't try to kiss her right away on your date (since you mentioned that you think about that, and really, if she's never dated before you might really scare her). Wear what you normally wear, perhaps slightly tidier, since it's you she likes, not your clothes (I'm sure you think the same of her). As for where to go, you're 13, so I think something fun would be a good idea. Like mini-putt or go-karting, so the situation isn't so incredibly pressure filled (those activities are fun and light, and are generally surrounded by people, which helps to glaze over those first-datey awkward situations.)




ok so i have been going out with this guy for a little over two weeks and the only thing we have done is hugged..ok so i wanna like hold hands ok and i dont no should i make the first move? just like grab his hand? lol i sound stupid but i really need help. thanks so much!!! (Indeed)

Well you could do it in a casual way. Such as during conversation putting your hand on his arm and such, then eventually moving your hand into his.

Or you could just do that straightforward approach and go for hand all at once. Either way, I'm sure he won't mind.




Can you get pregnant if you are in the pill and you didnt use a condom but the guy did not go inside of you and you make your self throw up after meals
(Indeed)

Whoa. Making yourself throw up after meals is not only excessively bad for your health, but it also doesn't somehow lessen your chance of pregnancy whatsoever. The pill is only a percentage of effectiveness WHEN used properly, and there is such a thing as pre-ejaculation, which means the actual climax doesn't have to happen inside for sperm to be present.

So yes, there is a chance. It would depend how effectively you used the pill, as well as timing of the actual sex.

I cannot stress enough that if you are going to have sex, use a condom, just to be safe. Birth control does not protect you from STD's either.

Even contraceptives can fail, so not using them at all is just ridiculous.




As of recently I've been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend.
Within our first month of dating, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, out of my own stupidity. About a month later we got in a really big fight.. and I just didn't feel the same about him. Like before the fight we would talk about things like getting married and having kids, but after the fight, It made me feel way too uncomfortable. And I told him that.

Oh.. and a few days ago, he was at the gym, as usual, and some guy gave him some pills, telling him they were Tylonal Cold. For some stupid reason, he took them. He told me, a little bit after he took them, that they were making him dizzy. Then he started talking about how some people were after him and were gonna kidnap him. And then he started takling about how we were supposed to be together in our past lives, and how he wasn't gonna let these people take him away from me again. It really freaked me out..

Now.. I just.. I dn't feel the same way I used to about him, and I definately don't feel the same way he does.. He's a tad clingy. Like when I asked him about what he would do if we broke up.. he said he would probably start cutting again, and drinking as well. He also said he might not be able to talk to me for a year or so. And it made me feel really guilty...

I need to know...Do you think I should break up with him? If so, when do you think I should do it, and what should I say?

Thanks very much. (Indeed)

Eww, what a clingtastic freak. It's natural that you'd feel guilty, but you don't need to. He's a tad crazy, and you're clearly sane, so this cannot work out well. I would say you need to break up with him right away, because prolonging it will only make the situation worse. Also, do it in a place where you are sure that if he lashes out (not saying he will, but just as a caution) that you can find some kind of safety (an example would be, if you live with your parents, let them know what's going on, or a close friend that you trust). The worst thing you could do with this break up is lie to make him feel better. If you have no intention of getting back together - don't pretend that you do to spare his feelings; if he asks you why you are ending the relationship, just tell him that he's become too serious and that isn't what you are ready for right now. Whatever you do, don't lie, because it will only make things worse in the end. Another thing that is common is the whole 'we can still be friends' thing. If you have no desire to be friends with this guy - DO NOT tell him 'we can still be friends' because a clingy person will just come back and say "you said we could be friends" and use it as an excuse to stay in your life.

As for the whole cutting and drinking if you break up, this sounds awful but, tough crap for this guy. If he wants to knowingly do destructive things to himself, that isn't your fault and there is no reason why you should hold off on ending the relationship just because he's a total weirdo.




there is this kids who is exactly my type of person lets call him billy. well biilly really likes me and i like him i met him at a party and he is the sweetest hottest kid i have ever met. i really want to go out with him but theres a problem. his parents wont let him date until high school and he ereally wants to go out wiht me. he has had girlfriends i the past but has never actually gone on a date with them. we were thinking of meeting somewhere. but i dont know. i dont think ismom is stricked but his dad his please help. thanks so much!! (Indeed)

Well, I don't see why you can't meet each other somewhere, and hang out as friends. If something more comes of the situation naturally, and you think you want to date each other, then Billy will have to discuss the situation with his parents, and find out if perhaps he's allowed to date now. If he isn't, then you will have to decide if Billy is worth waiting for until he is allowed, or if you simply need to move on.




My boybriend has braces we really wanna kiss, but i'm scared that something will happen because of his braces. Will anything happen? Please answer my Question!

14/female (Indeed)

Well, no, things should be just fine. Fact of the matter is that - you don't kiss someone's teeth. If you are also implying some sort of tongue movement, well then just be careful not to attempt to lick his teeth.




my boyfriend fingered me last night and i no im not pregant but ever since my vigina has felt really weird and am i going to bleed as its the first time ive ever bin fingered. (Indeed)

Sounds somewhat normal, but it sounds like you need to tell your boyfriend to be more gentle with you, he could do some serious damage if he isn't careful. It isn't highly likely that you'll bleed, and if you do, it won't be very much. If you do bleed a lot or find that the weird feeling doesn't go away, then you may want to consider getting real medical attention, because there could be more serious problems. For now, try not to worry, what you're feeling is likely a common feeling.




how can you tell if a teen guy about (14)
like you

and how can you call that person with out getting nerves and chicken out
(Indeed)

It is kinda tough, but I recall that 14 year old guys were generally kind of mean to the girls they liked. But of course, this was 5 years ago, so maybe things have changed (oh man, that made me feel old). The guy will either be, really nice to you, or jokingly mean to you. Or if you notice he is extra nervous around but not other girls - that would also be a decent sign that he might like you.

As for calling someone and not getting all nervous, just try to remember that if they do like you, they like you for being the normal you, so if you are worried about sounding cool on the phone (which makes you nervous) well then they aren't going to like that as much as they'd like the normal you. It might help if you have a friend there for moral support, but make sure YOU call them, and not your friend, because otherwise that is lame. Also, try to remember that the person you are calling on the phone is probably just as nervous.




We interrupt this program to bring you this important message:

*ahem*

Q.

Thank you for your time. We now return to your regularly scheduled bullshit. Enjoy. (Indeed)

Q to the extreme yo'.

Plus 7.3.

Yep.

Yours in Q,
Fern.




why are all men assholes? (Indeed)

They aren't. Not all of them at least. Sure, a pretty good percentage of them are total and complete wastes of air who take advantage of and hurt people, but it isn't all of them.

Not to mention the fact that for every asshole guy there is a bitch of a girl. It balances.




what i'm i suppouse to do if my boyfriend and parents don't get along? age 17 female (Indeed)

Holy delay answering this question Batman. My apologies. It is important to find out why they don't get along, because it is also pretty important that your boyfriend and parents can at least stand each other. Do your parents not like him simply because he is the guy stealing their daughter from them? This is pretty common. If it is your boyfriend who has the problem with your parents, you need to tell him to suck it up and be nice to your parents. Communication is pretty key here, talk to whomever it is that has the problem, and work out why there is a problem at all and how things can be resolved. Don't screw up your relationship with your parents over your boyfriend, you will eventually regret that.

Figure out why, and compromise.




my fiance and I have been together for 3 and half years until Weds. We seperated because I ask him to show me that he loves me more even though I know that he is a person that this is sometimes hard for. Because I ask him this over and over he blames me for cussing at him to much. This is not the first time we have seperated because of this, normally we comes back to me within a few days, but this time my hope is lost. I do love him very much and would do anything to try to make him happy, he means more than life to me. please tell me do you think that he will come back this time and please give me advice of things that i could do to make sure that thid never happens again. (Indeed)

Well maybe you need to ask yourself why it is he needs to constantly prove to you that he loves you. Don't you already know? Sometimes, people have a very difficult time expressing how they feel in ways that other people find very easy. Your constant need to be reassured that your fiance loves you may be a problem with yourself rather than him. You need to talk to him and tell him, without freaking out and getting angry, that you don't feel either appreciated or loved or that he shows how he feels enough.

You have said that you love him very much, but if you constantly need him to repeat how he feels about you - is the relationship as strong as you really think it is? You need to consider whether or not this is your problem and not his, and why you are so needy for his attention. Try not to fight, but calmly talk to him and get some answers from him, maybe find out what he's been feeling while you've been getting so upset about the situation.

Don't just let the relationship slip away, either. Pursue him, find him and get talking, because if you don't try to work things out calmly, the relationship will just end or you'll end up just swearing at him some more.




Holy Matrimony Batman - I need to go back up!
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