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Not quite your normal guy issue
I hate to place such a long babblement on you, but I've always approved of your advice, so here goes.
Okay, so the issue at hand is essentially this: I like a guy, and he appears to like me. Or at least, he did.
My roommate kinda had a thing for this guy. But I started hanging out with him because we had a lot in common, and he sort of developed a crush on me. I hate to admit it, but my feelings for him kinda grew and I developed a pretty mutual crush on him.
He and I fooled around a little, I admit, but here's where it gets complicated.
He came to the dorm one time while my roommate was there, and we ended up laying on my bed talking.
My roommate proceeded to throw things at us and wholly piss us both off. She hit ME in the head at one point, and her friend was trying to get her to stop.
Since then, nothing has really happened with me and this guy.
I think he stopped because he doesn't want to deal with my roommate. Every single one of our friends, both his and mine, think there's more than just friendship between us.
Even our theory teacher, I think, knows something. We've come into class together a few times, we talk all the time, we're always the last to leave...
My issue is kind of this: On one hand, I'd like to continue whatever me and this guy have going...but I don't want it to escalate into a relationship because he's a good friend and I'm worried about losing the friendship.
So I guess my question is what should I do about this? Should I just let it go? I hate to admit that I'm attracted to him, but I am. My roommate is "kind of dating" someone else, so that's not a problem, really (it shouldn't be). I guess what I want is kind of a friends with benefits kind of thing, without it getting too complicated...
My first instinct is to talk to him about it, but I'm not sure that would pan out too well.
What do you think?
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When faced with a complicated problem, it sometimes helps to simplify things a bit. On the one side are arguments for taking things further with this guy, and on that side there's basically the point that you like him and he likes you. On the other side of the equation, reasons to be cautious and perhaps not take things fruther, is the thing with your friend complicating matters, that you don't want to mess up a friendship you obviously value and that you yourself are unsure and stalling over what to do.
My gut instinct here is that if you don't like him enough to make the leap and start a relationship with this guy then vaguely falling into a relationship of sorts with him won't work out well. Either you like each other enough to be in a relationship, in which case you should be prepared to work past the hurdles of your friendship and the behaviour of your roommate, or you don't - in which case you should accept that and realise that you're better apart despite the attraction that both of you feel.
Can 'friends with benefits' relationships work? That depends what you count as 'working'. They can be fulfilling for short periods, but the setup inevitably end with somebody saying that they're ending the arrangement because they're interested in somebody else who they want to commit to more fully. Can your friendship survive that? However much you try, it's impossible to detach yourself fully from your emotions - it hurts to be broken up with, whatever the setup of the relationship, and it takes a while to get over feelings of hurt and rejection, and your friendship might not survive the damage. It seems if you are really worried about your long term friendship withstanding a relationship it would be better to avoid a sexual relationship of any nature. If however you think you would work on your friendship after the ending of your friends-with-benefits relationship then why don't you have faith in yourself that you could do the same if you ended a full blown relationship? Of course it would be hard, but it is possible, and if you like a friend perhaps you need to make that commitment to yourself that you would work on things after the end.
It seems to me from the language of your question that you do really quite like this guy, but are afraid of making a commitment for fear of getting hurt yourself and ruining a friendship. It is frigtening to let yourself go and risk messing things up with a person, but sometimes it's worth it, and if you like him, perhaps you should take that leap.
All the best.
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The problem with friends with benefits is that it indeed, is bound to get complicated. I honestly believe that even if you outline rules beforehand such as "no attachments" and whatnot, someone always seems to get attached, and that's when it turns ugly. Also, you mentioned that you wouldn't want to pursue a relationship because it would put your friendship at risk, but I think that casual fooling around with one another/other friends with benefits enjoyment would be more damaging and "weirding out" of your friendship than a relationship, because at least there, you would know where each of you stand. In my entirely humble opinion, I believe you should decide whether you like him enough to pursue a relationship beyond friendship, or stay friends, without the complications of benefits. Don't go halfsies, because I really think it will end up messy. You should consider choosing friendship or boyfriend, not the in between.
If you're afraid or unwilling to make the commitment of a relationship right now in your life - stay friends only, at least until you are ready to delve into something more.
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Oh, I think you have to go for it.
OK, here is the reasons for you...hope I don't drone on to long!
You never know when the right guy is going to come along. I believe people meet for reasons. Some may just be friends, some will become more than that.
I just don't like the friends with benefits thing. That is a personal preference I know, but it is way to casual. Way to easy for it to get complicated.
As one who has been married for 30 years I can tell you this for sure. They guy you eventually marry will be you very best friend. If you don't take that chance you may just miss him.
Not saying at all that this guy is that guy (hows that for a sentence. I realize that relationship may be down the road a ways yet. BUT, I think you have to take that chance.
My daughter had the same dilemma not long ago. It didn't work out in the end but they are still the best of friends.
I can tell you one of the mistakes they made, and I think it made a big difference. Once they started dating, they started thinking to much! Really, instead of talking about everything under the sun like they had all along, they suddenly started thinking...maybe I shouldn't say that, how is he going to take that. etc.
They went into the relationship with the idea that if either thought it wasn't working out, or if it strained their relationship, they would stop dating. Which, is what they did.
Ultimately it wasn't the fact that they didn't get along anymore, he just drank a little to often and got argumentative when he did. If he ever stops that they may try again. For now though they remain friends.
I guess what I am trying to say is this...
If you care about the guy enough to want a relationship, talk to him about it. Before you even start let it be known that you want to stay friends. Get out before you hate each other if it comes to that.
Talk. All the time. Do not loose your friendship in the process of all the dating BS. For some reason once that dating starts people think they suddenly need to impress the other more than they did as friends. Discuss all that.
Don't let the roommate dictate who you date either. If he liked her at all he would be talking to her and not you. That's just they way it goes sometimes and isn't your fault at all.
I hope to hear that you talked with him and are
doing great!
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. :)
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