adviceman49's advice column | Page 9

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Male

Member Since:

June 18, 2009

Answers:

8136

Last Update:

May 26, 2019

Visitors:

138384

Favorite Columnists

storageanddisposal

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

Abusive Relationships

about

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

I've been through a lot in my life, and a lot of people have hurt me. I've been sexually harassed/violated/abused, I watched my brother be brutally abused for several years, I've dealt with mental illness and eating disorders, I've watched my friends attempt suicide, I've had friends kill themselves while I'm on the phone with them--the list goes on.
My problem is that I forgive people too quickly. I can't help but still want to be friends with the people that have hurt me. I was "best friends" with the guy(s) that sexually abused and violated me, to the point where my legs were always bruised and I was covered in cuts and scrapes. They were my best friends until one of them moved and the other told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore for some reason. Also, the person who abused my brother has always been both a huge negative influence on me and also a role model.

Whenever I'm with these people, I feel an attraction to them that I can't shake off, but I also have constant flashbacks to what they've done that are triggered by tiny things.

I'm not even in high school yet, and I've already experienced a lot of things that not even grown adults have gone through. Maybe it's the hormones that confuse my brain and make me feel this way about the people. Maybe it's the substance abuse.

Why do I still feel an attraction to the people that have wronged me so much and scarred me for life? Should I let them go even though I care for them so much?

It is not unusual for the abused person to have feelings towards their abuser. Sometimes the only attention the abused receives it the abuse she receives. It is not a good situation to hang on to your abuser as it has been proven that by doing so the abuse gets worse.

You need help to break away from the abuse and the substance abuse you mention. You mention you are not even in High School yet. This actually is something that works for you. I you cannot ask your parents for help then talk to a trusted teach or your school principal and ask for help.

Most important is that you stand up to your abuser. Don't let him/her hurt you. Tell him/her that if they abuse you in any manner again you will file a police report. Just because your abuser my be a minor; their age does not protect them for the law.

My mom has a victim mentality. She never accepts responsibility for her behavior and lies to make it seem like she is the victim and someone else is the perpetrator. Anytime I try to offer help, even if its watching a video or to go see a shrink, she'll say we are criticizing or attacking her. When she is backed into a corner where a normal person would have to admit fault, she'll get angry and storm out, or say "DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!" Or she'll say "don't yell at me." (even if nobody even raised their voice, let alone yell). Anything and everything we try is met with hostility or she'll play the victim, saying we're attacking her. She uses her victim mentality to manipulate us into doing what she wants or she'll throw a tantrum, if the tantrum doesn't work, she'll go more extreme like cutting herself or try to stab herself. She has heart problems, so now she'll say she's sick or has chest pain. So we all go running to help, and predictably, she'll refuse help and refuse to go to the hospital or call an ambulance and blame us for "doing this to her". Even if its something as dumb as that we made her wait 10 minutes at the buffet while we finished eating.

She has childhood trauma so I'm guessing that that's where it started. She is a combination of hubris and self-loathing and instantly goes into victim mode anytime she doesn't agree with what is happening or if she disagrees with you. She can be rather evil at times.

She has admitted herself that what happened to her as a child might be affecting the way she acts and thinks. Then I suggest a shrink, she'll make excuses or blame others for why she can't, or she'll just get mad and throw a tantrum. (Or she might realize that getting help would mean not getting the attention she gets now through her tantrums and drama. So she refuses.)

What I'm gonna try to do is try to remove the excuses as to why she says she won't go to a shrink and try to find a way to get her to go.

Any advice would be appreciated. Even if you don't have anything to add, thanks to all the advicenators who spend their time on here helping people.

In the instances I'm talking about she cannot turn the medics away until they are sure she okay and not a threat to herself or others. You would be calling from your home. Because you are not on premise with her the fee an police must make sure it is safe for them to leave her waiting for you. If it is determined she needs hospital care the medics can ask the police to take her into protective custody SO they can transport.

Most fire departments do not charge unless they transport. Tough love means telling her what the rules are.f what your role will be in the future as well as siblings & other relatives. Then make sure everyone does what they should

If momcalls saying she is having heart problems. Yes respond to her call but call 911 first. The first response unit is the closest engine or truck company and the should be on scene within 4 to 8 minutes There job is to stabilize & care for the patient while waiting for the ambulance.

More lives are saved because today's paramedics can start the Sam treatments the hospital would use. The difference is they are started much sooner and because of it lives are saved.

Trying to force or trick your mom into seeing a shrink will not work. She will not get the benefit of any treatment while she is not accepting that she has a problem or problems in you mothers case.

Besides the problems you wrote about there is one problem you may not be seeing. I believe when you take into account all of the other problems what results is that they are causing Clinical Depression.

While I am not a doctor I have had clinical depression and I know how it works. The depression is not only the result of the other problems it is the problem that binds the rest together. In order to cure the clinical depression you first have to accept the fact that you have this illness.

Without accepting the fact that you are depressed all the therapy is not going to be of much help. Moist people have to hit bottom before accepting they need help/ Your mom is probably someone who needs to hit bottom before asking for or accepting help.

What you can do is stop enabling her. Don't run every time she calls. Explain to mom that you have your own life and family and cannot come running ever time she calls. Also tell her that you are an adult now and will not accept being spoken to as she has.

Next time she calls and says she is sick and needs help. Do not go running over instead call 911 and have them respond. It's tough love but love she needs to be shown. These call and everything else you write about are calls for attention. By running to her you are enabling this behavior,

How hard is the pharmacy tech program?

Asking how hard something is, is a question that is hard to answer. The reason being is what I might find easy you will find hard. If you have been a good student with good math skills I would think you will find the classes easier than someone who has never been a good student.

Suggestion before you go and find something else or jump head first into this I suggest the following.

Visit your local pharmacy and talk with the pharmacist and the Pharmacy Tech. Find out is you can job shadow for a few days to see just what the job is like. Find out exactly what is required in your state to be a pharmacy Tech.

17/f
When I was 13, I had an eating disorder. It wasn't really full on starving myself - I would basically eat some dinner every night and sometimes a pack of jellybeans. I recovered after a year. I just wanna know if they could've effected me with anything later in life, like I have low iron levels, am really pale, have mild ibs - I'm literally always either constipated or have dirrhea I'm never normal. I also used to be pretty tall for my age, I was the tallest in my class and I went through puberty early - I started getting boobs when I was 8 and my entire family has big boobs (sorry this is random) but I just haven't been growing height and boob wise, I'm one of the shortest in my class and have the smallest boobs. Could it have impacted my growth? For a while now I've had headaches everyday and I get dizzy easily, but I eat a lot and don't have an eating disorder anymore. I basically still have the same mindset - i hate my body and would rather just not eat and relapse but right now I haven't. When I was 13, I became extremely pale, and my paleness never fully cleared up, im not as bad as I was then but even if I tan I just don't go darker. My marks also dropped alot, I was always super smart getting 90s and I was failing a lot of my tests when I was 13. My marks have improved since I recovered and I'm back to 70s-90s. If someone has an eating disorder, what would be ways to keep marks up? How do eating disorders impact people after they've recovered and can my things be because of it? Especially since my eating disorder wasn't extremely bad?

I know how eating disorders impact the body while suffering from the eating disorder. I have never looked at the opposite side as to how the disorder affects later life.

I would say to start with you need to know what if any damage was done to you by the eating disorder. I think you know by now when the body does not get what it needs to operate it shuts down what it believes are non-essential systems.

The first question you need an answer to and it should come from your doctor is: Did you have any serious damage done to any of your vital systems.

The second question is based on the answers to the first question. Of the damage done what can be repaired or healed and to what percentage of normal.

The third question is of course the question your asking which is what are the life time affects of my eating disorder.

You are 17 still a minor in the eyes of the law and your parents are still making medical decisions for you. They may not want you to know and have instructed the doctors not to tell you.

That's fine means they are looking out for you. But you have rights under a law called HIPPA. Since you were 14 you had medical confidentiality for anything to do with your reproductive systems. This law passed by congress was done so that young people would seek medical help for anything relating to their reproductive system. Parents could not be told of the nature of the doctors visits. Mom's could not be in the exam room and doctors could go to jail for breach of confidentiality.

Since one of the systems that may have been affected by your disorder would be your reproductive system. You have every right to ask your doctor questions and get straight answers. Just remind the doctor your questions are covered under HIPPA and you are requesting confidentiality.

I genuinely want a deep answer.

I have clinical depression, but I have found something for me that is gradually curing it as it feels like.

I feel like I'm experiencing a tiiiiiiny bit of euphoria and enthusiasm, but then I still feel a little depressed.

But then again, I don't know. I've never felt positive feelings before now with this treatment I'm using.

So may someone please explain to me what they GENUINELY feel like? Do they really feel INTENSELY energizing, or is it just a really satisfied, super happy state? Because my feelings are starting in between those two, but much more of the second one, so again, I don't know. I would really appreciate a deep explanation. Thank you! :)

It is a bit hard to put in words what your asking for as these feeling are very much and individual thing. I would suggest you look at the dictionary meaning of the words and see how they relate to how you feel.

That being said having suffered from depression myself I am concerned with what you wrote; "but I have found something for me that is gradually curing it as it feels like."

There is no self-help cure for depression Clinical or Manic Depression. There are over the counter medications that will actually cure depression. Clinical Depression, which is the moist common type, is the lack of one or two hormones that are secreted into the Brain. Only a medical doctor psychiatrist can prescribe the right medication to stimulate production or replacement therapy.

What really concerns me is how you explain your feelings. While I'm not a doctor how you explain how you are feeling is very close to who Manic or Bipolar depression, they are the same illness, are described.

My suggestion is that you see a Board Certified Psychiatrist and be evaluated as to just what type of depression you have and be medicated properly if needed. Clinical depression is a cyclical type of problem that involves a trigger, anxiety and depression with each one causing the other. To break the cycle the trigger needs to be found. TO find it talk therapy is recommended with a psychologist.

I can tell you if you follow my suggestion and work with the therapist the depression will lift. The trigger never goes away but you learn to deal with it in a manner that the trigger no longer hurts you forcing you to butty the problem that is actually causing the pain of depression.

I've recently assumed the duties of a treasurer for a career-related organization. Recently, I received a spoofed email allegedly coming from our organization's president asking me to send money to a vendor. It turns out that this was fraudulent, and unfortunately I transferred the money to a potential scammer. I don't know if I can recover the money or not; there is a strong possibility that I may be unable to do so. The organization is aware of this, and so far, they seem to be okay with it. However, as a result, I believe that my credibility and judgment with this organization are ruined permanently, and I think it would be best to submit my resignation from the treasurer position of this organization. Please let me know what some options are and if resigning is the best course of action that I should take.

Resigning is always an option an to me it means I have failed in someway. I don't see where you failed. If there is a failure here it is with a system that failed to take into account the ability to penetrate and scam a new treasurer.

Instead of resigning I would take my game to the next level and put systems in place to prevent this type of occurrence from ever happening again to you or anyone else in the organization.

One fix I would recommend vendors are not paid without an invoice and copy of original purchase request approved for payment by the person or department originally requesting the work or item. This relieves the treasure of the responsibility of vendor payments for which he/she is not the original purchase requester.

17/f
I'm just asking out of interest as I'm trying to convince my parents to move.
I stay in South Africa, and things have been getting pretty bad, the government has started taking our land and a lot is going on. I personally feel like we should move overseas, and I know almost all my friends think the same. I spoke to my mom and she said if money wasn't a factor she would leave.
To move to Sweden from South Africa - what would all be required? Do you need to have a certain amount in your bank account, if so, how much? Do you need a job there before going up, or since my parents are estate agents of their own company would they be able to just do that in Sweden as well? I'm in my last year of schooling. My sister is a teacher, so if she also moves she'll easily get a job there and I'll be studying teaching, and I heard that they are looking for people to study teaching there, but I don't want to leave my parents. Is there a age limit? My mom is 52 and my dad is 60.
How much is it to fly dogs to Sweden? I have 2 sausage dogs and one pitbull and we have a husky but we are putting her down soon as she is sick, so we wouldn't have to take her.
What other things would we need? We've never been to a different country. My ancestors from my dad's side come from Sweden and I know one person in Sweden but she isn't family.

The answer to your question is not the type of information any of us would have at our finger tips and would require a great deal of research on our part to answer. We would also need information from you that you have not included to give you the most accurate information available to us.

To get the absolute best answers to your question I suggest you contact Sweden's Embassy or one of their Consults located in some of your major cities.

And generalized anxiety and excessive anger.

I have already thought about this:

Switching to a Mediterranean diet/ drinking only water.
Exercising everyday.
Meditating and yoga everyday to calming music.
Taking 3,000 mg of fish oil everyday.

Could there be any hormone imbalances that could be the cause of the depression, anxiety and anger?

I’ve tried therapy many times (with endless effort), but I only feel worse. I often solve my problems better by myself, but I do need a little help with what else I can do to cure my mental issues. Thank you.

I feel like a job would also help. I was thinking a simple job as a Liberty Tax waver would be the best for me. What do you think?

Having suffered from clinical depression myself I can tell you for a fact that hormonal imbalance is the cause of most clinical depressions. IF it is the cause of your depression, and only a psychiatrist can make that diagnoses, then all of your efforts to control will not help. In fact your efforts to control the depression are in a manner of speaking a root cause of your depression.

Proper medication by a Board Certified Psychiatrist and working with a good psychologist brought me out of my depression. One of the problems of depression is how we perceive things. Depression alters our perception.

Properly medicated to replace the missing or low hormone count that fog of depression lifts enough that your perception is now closer to reality and you can work better with your psychologist to get at the root cause of the depression.

What your doing with diet and exercising won't hurt provide you take in enough calories each day. But solving your own problems is more of building walls around them in your mind when you should be tearing down those you have already built.

It takes time for a good psychologist to get you to tear down those walls. First your have to be really comfortable with your therapist/psychologist. This is your new best friend you can tell your deepest darkest secrets to comfortable in the knowledge that they stay in therapy.

I was very comfortable with my therapist and still it took her a long time to pick away at the walls I put up around those things causing my depression. Once those walls fell recovery was quick as she was able to help understand why I built those walls, why I felt hurt by what I blocked of and most important we discovered the trigger that allowed what I had blocked of to come forward and hurt me again.

My suggestion is to find a good Board Certified Psychiatrist and a good psychologist to work with. The reason for the psychiatrist is that the hormones secrete into the brain. The psychiatrist is a medical doctor who has done a fellowship in psychiatry and passed all the test to be admitted to the college of psychiatrists. This Board Certified doctor is best qualified to judge which hormones and how much need to be replaced.

As to finding a psychologist. Sometimes the first one you meet is not a good fit. Don't be afraid to say so and ask for the name of a psychologist that follows a different form of therapy. I went through 3 before I found the one I was most comfortable with.

Do you have to pass any math exams or be good in math to be a medical assistant?

I'm sorry but I disagree with AyyItsKristen. My son is a firefighter/paramedic and my nephew is a nurse practitioner. Both courses had extensive math requirements surrounding the administration of drugs as the dosage varies by the patients age and weight. For the most part you will need to be truly function-able in basic and advances algebra if you will be administering any medications.

I will add that the duties of a medical assistant do vary from state to state I would suggest you see what the job requirement(s) are in your state then decide if this position is a good fit for you

I was diagnosed with diabetes 6 months ago. I pee a lot. The problem with me holding my bladder has been going on for 2 years and it started when I was put in the hospital for sepsis. Back then the doctor said that there was something wrong with my kidneys but never explained. I wasn’t diagnosed with diabetes then. Sometimes I can barely make it to the restroom without peeing on myself and I try to hold it.

I'm not a doctor none of us are. The kidneys are to vital part of the bodies function for me to speculate as to what your problem is. Two years ago when the doctor said there was something wrong with your kidneys you should have been told to consult a Urologist. That will be my advice to seek help from a qualified Urologist.

Diabetes and the sepsis you suffered could have damaged your kidneys. Only a Urologist can make a proper diagnoses what the problem is, what can be done to correct it and if it is correctable with or without surgery.

My advice to seek out a Urologist is now very time sensitive for the longer you wait the more damage you could be doing to your kidneys and you could be a candidate for dialysis and a kidney transplant if your kidneys totally fail.

So don't wait if you don't know a Urologist call your local hospital patient referral line and they will help you.

I have tried talking to my mom about this problem before and my mom understands my concerns because all of my niece's friends are boys and I don't want a 15 or 16 year old boy seeing me naked. My mom has talked to my niece numerous times . She has custody of my niece also . My mom has taken the phone on many occasions and nothing seems to work.

If I were your mom I would call the carrier and have the service suspended. I would tell your niece the service will remain suspended until she is able to follow the rules which include giving your your privacy when you ask for it.

Your niece is a minor and is only entitled to those privileges the adults allow her to have. A cell phone is a privilege one which requires her to know how to use and respect others privacy. Since she cannot or will not respect your privacy she is abusing the privilege and the phone is turned off.

The first time you mom suspends service with the carrier for thirty days and the phone will come back on the morning of the 31st day. If the service needs to be interrupted again mom does so for 60 days. If there is need to do it a third time mom turns the phone off completely an does not reinstate service until your niece can pay the fees to do so or turns 18 and can sign the service contract herself.

Suggest this ti your mother and have her tell your niece if she doesn't cooperate and respect your privacy this will happen. The threat alone should be enough but is it isn't mom must carry through with the threat or she will be seen as nothing more than a paper tiger. It is in her nieces best interest that some tough love be handed out to your niece who must be her granddaughter..

So I'm in my last year of school and I've been in my school since I was 6. It's a really small school, my grade has 12 people in it. My school wears uniform and on our birthdays we are allowed to wear normal clothes. Now they changed the rule that we have to wear our uniform. How can we somehow convince the school to change it back? Or to even let it be a matric privelage- so those in there last year get to wear clothes on their birthdays? It's just such a stupid rule and no one wants to feel ugly on their birthday with hair tied up and no make up and we cant even take photos at school with our friends then. Like I always go out after school on my birthday which I can't do because of uniform. I know this seems like a silly problem but everyone is so unhappy and the school has changed so many rules and all of them are unnecessary so we'd rather try change the small ones to take away a small amount of being miserable in the school.

Yes it does sound a bit unreasonable and one reason for the change that would be reasonable is that some students, a minority of the whole school, abused the privilege. By that I mean the wore street close and tried to say it was there birthday forcing administrators to stop what they were doing and check records. If this is the reason for the change you won't win the battle on your own.

What a suggest is modifying the old rule. You get together and ask your parents to go to the school administration to find out why the may the change. If it is as I suspect than have the parents submit this change to the old rule.

"Parents will send a not with student to school on their birthday so that the student may celebrate in street close and make up as directed by parent." "If a students birthday falls on a weekend the student may celebrate on Friday or Monday provided a not from the students parent is provided." The note must have a work contact number if the parent will not be home should teacher or principal chose to verify the note.

When I was in school we had dress down Friday's until kids started to abuse the privilege. This type of privilege is usually done away with because a small segment of the students have abused the privilege.

I'm a Sophmore in High School. I've known I'm a lesbian for a long time, I've always really known I liked girls and not boys, I've just tried to surpress it. I just avoided dating all together. However, now I have a crush on a girl and it's not going away.

I can't come out to my family. I'm from a conservative Mormon home, they would never approve. The only people who know I'm gay are my 3 best friends and we keep it silent and between us, I'm afraid that if I'm out to the school, the news would travel to my siblings and eventually to my parents.

The girl I have a crush on is from a progressive Catholic home, and she's out to everyone, including her accepting family. She's also the toughest, bravest, strongest, determined, and ambitious person you'll ever meet. She can stand up for herself, and she can handle people rejecting or discriminating against her. I can't.

She does not know I'm gay, or that I have feelings for her. We talk, we're friends. We're both in the drama club and since we're both girls we're in the same dressing room and I see her undress and redress herself every day and her naked body makes me think thoughts I'd rather not have. She has perky, round breasts, a small waist, and an ass. Once she asked me to unzip her dress and as I did I got the urge to touch her that I could barely fend off. She's flirted with me before, and I've pretended to be oblivious. She stopped when she thought she wasn't getting anywhere with it, and it killed me because I do want her. Not only for her amazing body, but because she's an amazing person.

I was taught by my family not to be gay, not to talk to gays, not to fantasize about sex or to have it outside of marriage.

I can't hold back my feelings for her. It's killing me inside. I want to come out to her, I know she'd keep my secret, but doing so would mean coming to terms completely with my sexuality.

How do I go about doing this?

It sounds to me as if you have come to terms with your sexuality. The problem is your sexuality and your religion are at odds. The biggest problem with your sexuality being at odds with your religion is your family and the possibility you could be shinned by them.

I think for your own mental and physical health you have to come out to your family and see what happens. By law they cannot just toss you aside at least not until your 18 regardless of what their religion tells them. The have the legal responsibility to you to feed, you, cloth you, and provide for you in all manners related to your good health.

That being said it is still not going to be easy to come the family especially a religious family as you will be pitting science VS religious teachings but that is what you have to do.

You say you have known for a long time you are a lesbian. This agrees with all the scientific evidence that have led doctors and scientist to believe one is born Lesbian or Gay and it is not something you just wake up one morning and decide to be. It is very possible that you demonstrated your sexual preference very early in life and your parents just ignored it hoping it would just go away or it was just a phase. IT won't and it wasn't.

You need to research all the scientific information that has lead the medical community to accept Gay and Lesbians as how you are born. That it happens in the womb. No amount of counseling or prayer will fix you. There is no magic pill that will change you.

At some point in your life you may accept men and may even become bi-sexual. The science on bisexuality tends to lead to a voluntary action rather then how a person sexuality is implanted in the womb. The science on bisexuality is rather murky on this.

Most important is you must accept who you are and what your sexuality is. For the most part I believe you have. The next step which is the hardest is to come out to your family. Not that they really need to know but for your peace of mind and physical well being.

I typed the following into a search engine, "Help for lesbians who want to come out to family" The number of sites returned were to numerous to list but all looked very helpful. I suggest you type what I did into your search engine and read what they suggest.

24/f

I am a substitute teacher. I previously left my teaching position mid-year due to the lack of admin support. My whole life, I have been working jobs that I hated. I was in marketing, I was in sales, and turns out that I do not like teaching.

After soul-searching a little bit, I decided to try to narrow down careers that were a good fit for my personality. I found out I would need to get my masters to become a librarian. I was either going to be a librarian or I would go into administration.

I decided to give administration a try and to volunteer at my local library to see if it's a good fit.

I have been going to many interviews the past two months and I have not been landing any administrative jobs. I am starting to feel discouraged. The previous job I interviewed at, seems to have really liked me but the schedule for it seems very hectic (that gets me nervous because being overwhelmed with overtime hours seems to put me in depression) and the only days of breaks I will be getting are the three days during Christmas break and three days during spring break.

At this point, I am conflicted on what I need to do. I would love to find an administrative position that has hours that I need to keep my mental health in check and to find what I would like to do in life.

However, I just received my last paycheck from my district, which means my insurance has ended. My interviews have been scheduled on days that I can substitute (because business are during these days/hours). Being a teacher, insurance cost $300/month now and I tried ObamaCare and the lowest rate I was able to get was $218.00. I can't afford that, either.

I am starting to feel desparate and I'm panicking on what I should do. Should I just snatch up any administration job I get (even if it's not a good fit for me) or should I hold out on a job that I really want (even if I need money ASAP)?

DO NOT TAKE A JOB JUST TO GET A PAY CHECK. Even though at 24 you are considered young. IF I'm reading this correctly you have already started to build a bad work history. Yes it is expected that young people will bounce around the job market, though within a chosen career field. You have worked in three different career fields and are still looking for a niche.

Jumping from position to position within a career field for better pay and opportunities is expected. Your resume is already throwing up some red flags and your seeing the results. Regardless of how well qualified you may be for a position that position requires some amount of training before you become productive to the point of earning what you are being paid. Training cost money and an investment in you. Look at your resume and work history and ask yourself if you would want to invest in you. If your truthful with yourself you will say no.

Get a part-time job, go back to school and get your masters. The break in employment will refresh your resume and make employers more interested in you after you have your new degree. While working on your masters you will see the different parts of a library system and be able to refine just what area you are best suited for.

How can i reach my climax during sex?

First it would help to know if your male or female. Yes males have trouble reaching a climax during sex and the reasons are entirely different than for females. So rather then guess your sex and be wrong please write back with the following information.

1. your sex

2. A short description of the problem your having

3. Can you climax during foreplay but not intercourse.

My name is Rachel and I am 28 years old and I still live with my mom and share a room with my 16 year old niece. I live with my mom because the courts sat that I am unable to live on my own so my mom is my legal guardian even though I am 28 , so moving out is not an option. My problem is that my when I am changing my niece talks to her friends on her phone with her webcam an when I ask her to turn it off she says no because they can't see me , but it makes me feel really uncomfortable . What should I do ? Help!

There are a few things you can try

1. when she is not on the phone explain to her you are uncomfortable changing while she is on the phone with the camera on. Ask her if she will take the phone into the hallway or the bathroom while you change. When you come into your room if she is on the phone tell I need to change now please leave the room.

2. If she does not leave the room or plain ignores you. Take the phone from her hand and tell her friend she will call back later. Tell your niece she will get the phone back after you finish changing.

While there may be reason for you mother to be your guardian you are still an adult and you niece has to give you the same respect she gives your mother. Just because you share a room does not mean she doesn't owe you the respect your do your age.

A third choice would be to take the matter to your mom. I think it would be better if you work it out between you and your niece. Your niece needs to see you as an adult not a roommate.

I've been feeling really off about things that happened in my childhood. I'm trying to talk to my therapist about these things, but as an 18 year old who is basically supposed to be over it by now, I just want to understand if I'm invalidating myself or overreacting.

My dad was an alcoholic until I was 13. He drank a lot, and my parents fought a lot. I remember all the times I cried as a kid (younger than 8) because of the fighting. I remember it being bad, but never ever did he lay a hand on me.

My mom, especially when I was 12, turned cruel. She got angry at me for no reason over small things. I remember 3 times in one week when she would lower her voice and come up to me and say, "I'm not very happy with you right now." It would send chills down my spine. I actually remembered the time when she called me a b****. I was 12, and it stung. I cried. That wasn't the first time. She grounded me because I forgot a pair of gloves at school, and she once told me to eat s***. When she found out I started self harming, she mocked me and yelled at me all while threatening to send me away. She yelled, "What do you do-- cut yourself then go on twitter, upload pictures and say, "I won't stop cutting myself until you follow me?!" I remember that very clearly. She also used my religion against me. She made me SWEAR on the Bible like they do in court trials that I would never cut myself again or else the both of us would go to hell. She yelled at me and told me to do this and got angry when I would pause because I was crying so much. Instead of helping me, she pushed me away farther.

My mom never had a mom (or dad) around to show her how to actually be a mom. A good one, at least. I get that no parental figure can make it worse, but I don't think that what she said to my siblings when they were younger was good either. She would threaten and hit them.

I remember the times when she hit me, too. Not across the face. My sister and I were fighting and we kept calling my mom at work because of it, and my mom came home and hit the both of us because she was so mad. I was younger than 8.

I think I just answered my own question, but I'm still not sure. Doesn't abuse have to be constant? Was this even abuse?

Thanks.

Yes it is abuse; there is physical abuse when you are hit or spanked and there is mental abuse when parents or people say things to hurt you. My dad was the King of all mental abusers. He had a way of threatening you with just a look.

You don't get over being abused not without help. Mental abuse I feel is the worst kind of abuse for it harms ones self-image which can stay with you fro life if you don't get the professional help to move past it.

My advice is since you're in therapy now you stay in therapy and work with your therapist on this. Remember anything you say in therapy stays in therapy unless you let it out.

I was in therapy after a devastating auto accident with life changing events. My therapist felt I was holding something back and I was as it didn't deal with the accident. Then in one session it all came out. Then after talking about it I realized it wasn't me that I had been raised in dysfunctional home. I spoke to my sister about it and found out that she and her therapist came to the same conclusion several years earlier and that she had tried to talk to me about it but I shut her off.

Stick with the therapy and break down any wall you have built to protect yourself from the abuse. You feel better and be better for it.

When come me money .

There is no possible way to answer this question. Are you expecting to receive money? If so when were you told to expect it and by whom? Information like this will make it possible for us to help you answer your question. Without meaningful information to support your question as to why you are asking for help we cannot help you.

Note Your grammar is atrocious!!!

The question as you ask it should read:

When will I receive my money or when can I expect my money.

My 53 year old husbands sex addiction is killing me.Over the years Ive dealt with secret email accounts to chat inapropriately with a woman he knows, he even took me to an auction at her home and I had no idea who he was talking to. I blew up at home. He texts female coworkers excessively and has many lunches with them. Not wearing his wedding ring, hiding video cameras (finding several tapes of him with ex girlfriends and myself),We were all taped without our knowledge. I asked him to stop hiding cameras and I threw them all in the trash when I found them, gobs of video equipment! Just last month he ordered another camera and I took a hammer to it.He tried to lie and said he ordered it for his son, he even texted his son to head me off. He has downloaded about 500,000 photos (not kidding) of nude women in the years weve been together (calls it art). He was giving sex advice online As a woman to other women for about a year. He was messaging a 19 year old girl a few years ago and giving her Christmas, birthday, and baby shower gifts, I knew nothing about these gifts or her. He ate lunch at her restaurant every day and when she quit he visited her at her new job. He writes to young women on Craigslist on missed connections. His sons 25 y/o ex girlfriend (who my husband met twice) is friends with him on facebook. He likes all her statuses and comments on them. Yesterday she posted that some creeper posted about her with her full name on missed connections wanting to care for her and take her to dinner. It read like many of my husbands previous posts. I looked at the computer history and THERE IT WAS, a login to Craigslist the day it was posted. I confronted him, he denied it and it was deleted first thing this morning when he went to work.I could go on, but I feel more ashamed the more I type. My life is wrapped up in this 14 year relationship. NO ONE in our social circle knows what Ive had to endure. They think we are this awesome couple. Im tired, depressed, and lost. I am 40 years old and I figure Im getting too old for him. He is obsessed with 20 somethings. I just wish he knew how pathetic it is being 53 and in the shape he is in. 90% of the time he treats me beautifully by the way which makes it incredibly hard to contemplate leaving. I tell him Im always waiting for something else bad to happen and suck the life from my lungs. I do have a rock bottom but he hasn't hit it yet. Will he ever age out of this?? BTW, I have never cheated or done anything inapropriate. Thanks!

Sex addiction is a mental illness for which he should seek treatment; though your right he hasn't hit bottom and until he does he won't seek help. It is understandable that your depressed and tired and lost.

I can't tell you if your husband will ever age out of this problem especially without professional help. What I will tell you is that I have been married for 46 years. When we first married my wife told me I could look at the menu all I wanted but if I attempted to sample or reorder she would cut off something I hold very near and dear.

Males and females are designed to attract each other so I look. As I get older I'm attracted to the older ladies. That's not to say a good looking younger lady won't catch my attention. I will probably continue to loo until the day I die. Given what I did for a living I have had many an opportunity to sample at the menu. I never have and never will for I would never do that to my wife I lover to much to hurt her that way.

You say your husband treats you beautifully which makes me believe he still loves you. My suggestion is for you to get into therapy counseling to help with your depression. Depression has a way of influencing how you perceive things. Once in therapy working with the therapist you might be able to find a way to get your husband to come to sessions with you and maybe start therapy on his own. That would be best case.

The worst case of therapy would be your depression would get treated and you would be able to see things more clearly. With a more clear heard you can make decisions that are right for you.

18/f. I was hanging out with my friends and gave one of my friends (girl) a back massage. My other friend (guy) was also there and asked for a back massage so I gave him one and he loved it. Whenever I hang out with him, he asks for a back massage. Now he keeps asking for thigh massages but I'm not sure if I should. Is it appropriate to give a guy friend a thigh massage?

Your question falls under the old saying like beauty; it is in the eye of the beholder. It is really up to you if you feel comfortable enough with him as just a friend and not a lover. As a lover a thigh massage would be a great part of foreplay but as a friend I think he is asking a lot of your friendship for once you start massaging he cans ask you to higher and higher and he gets a sexual thrill.

Once again though anything that happens between two consenting adults in private, or in this case in the company of other friend(s) is never wrong or weird. The operative world is consenting. If you don't feel comfortable then say no. If he becomes insistent then he is sexually harassing you and I suggest either you leave or ask him to leave.

A back or a neck massage is a nice way for two people who are friends to go to the next step in a relationship as a massage, even fully clothed, is an intimate gesture. So I question since you have not stated. Does he reciprocate in any manner or is this a one way street with him. If it is just one way on his part then I would suggest you stop offering any type of a massage for he is interested only in himself.

Note: If you enjoy giving massages I would suggest you attend a school of massage and get a license. Even if you are in college or planning to go to college. A license to massage is a much better way to earn extra cash then waitressing or other part-time work that is available to college students.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>