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I forgive the people who hurt me too fast
I've been through a lot in my life, and a lot of people have hurt me. I've been sexually harassed/violated/abused, I watched my brother be brutally abused for several years, I've dealt with mental illness and eating disorders, I've watched my friends attempt suicide, I've had friends kill themselves while I'm on the phone with them--the list goes on.
My problem is that I forgive people too quickly. I can't help but still want to be friends with the people that have hurt me. I was "best friends" with the guy(s) that sexually abused and violated me, to the point where my legs were always bruised and I was covered in cuts and scrapes. They were my best friends until one of them moved and the other told me he didn't want to be my friend anymore for some reason. Also, the person who abused my brother has always been both a huge negative influence on me and also a role model.
Whenever I'm with these people, I feel an attraction to them that I can't shake off, but I also have constant flashbacks to what they've done that are triggered by tiny things.
I'm not even in high school yet, and I've already experienced a lot of things that not even grown adults have gone through. Maybe it's the hormones that confuse my brain and make me feel this way about the people. Maybe it's the substance abuse.
Why do I still feel an attraction to the people that have wronged me so much and scarred me for life? Should I let them go even though I care for them so much?
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I have a little different of an opinion. Forgiveness is important. Not forgiving can eat you up inside. It's a state of mind and heart. The nice thing is you don't have to tell the person you forgive them. Most the time they don't see they've done anything wrong and they don't have to accept your forgiveness for you to reap the benefits of peace.
However, I also believe that there isn't such a thing as forgiving too soon or too late. What you are calling 'forgiving too soon' is a matter of actually trusting a person too soon. Trust is the word of importance here.
I will give my life example to shed light on what I mean.
My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. After 30 years, I finally left him. If I was like many people, I had plenty reason to feel bitter against him, wish the worst things to happen to him and suspect all other men of being the same. I did not. I have to admit here that I am a spiritual person and that had an effect on how I worked through this. In talks with God, I realized that I had done nothing wrong to warrant the treatment the ex gave me. I also asked God why He had told me to go ahead and marry this guy when I asked. I see life on earth as settings in which our soul can grow and mature. That doesn't happen with an easy cushy life. The same with diamonds. They are formed under great pressure in the earth. If I didn't experience the pressures of some awful things, there would not have been the ability for my soul to grow and mature. So I realized that some one had to play the part of 'Judas' and that was my ex. It could have been worse where I was physically beaten as well. SO I choose to see my marriage to him as an opportunity to grow. If you are curious and want to know what I learned from it, you can message me from my column.
So I did forgive him, but that did not mean I would trust him again. My eyes were opened to see that he had not changed. No matter how many times he said he was sorry, it was empty words. It was due to my being able to spot other men like him by subtle signs that helped me avoid dating any after the divorce.
Since you say you are not in HS yet, I can share something that will help you understand why you are not making the best decisions for yourself'
The prefrontal cortex of the brain is a little immature in teenagers as compared to adults; it may not fully develop until your mid-20s [source: Kotulak]. ... An area of the teenager's brain that is fairly well-developed early on, though, is the nucleus accumbens, or the area of the brain that seeks pleasure and reward. So that is why young people will seek instant rewards and what feels good, like having a bf so others may envy you. The part of brain that isn't mature yet, means you are a bit crippled as far as making good decisions for yourself and being able to see repercussions of any of your actions down the road before you even make a choice. Therefore I would recommend you stop dating. This doesn't mean you can't have male classmates as friends. However, you need to be very picky in who you even have as friends. There isn't a way to turn off attraction to others. Attraction is a normal process for people as long as they are being attracted to good traits in others whether for friends or bf. When at your age, you will start to notice a trait you like in someone. Write down what it is. By time you reach your mid twenties, it should be a very full and precise list of what you are looking for in a life long mate or husband and father of your children. ANd no, its not too early to start. You will change your list over time, removing things and adding others. So lets say you discover you are more attracted to blonde guys than brunette, put that on your list, you like the sound of a guys voice or laugh, you like his sense of humor, thats all good and goes on the list. But deeper things are important too like slow to anger, builds you up with words instead of tearing you down, is patient, never raises his voice to you, etc...
If a guy has one or two good traits, but the rest are bad, this doesnt mean its okay to be with him. Your attraction is to the few positive traits. He is also immature in the brain area and making bad decisions. Hopefully he becomes a better person in the future but then again, such a person may even become worse as time goes on. The thing to keep in mind as you experiment with dating is to learn what you do like and don't like in a guy. Yes, make a list of all the things you don't like. As for all the other unrelated but terrible things you have experienced so far, I can only guess that perhaps God is putting on the pressure to get you to wake up and want to change your life in this area for the better. You don't have control over friends committing suicide for example but you do have the ability to affect your own life in a positive way.
Now about the 'bad Guy effect'. Many females feel attracted to the bad guy type. As a female myself, My opinion is that women want something from males that is often easier to find in the bad guy type. That does not mean he is a good choice. Lets examine what examples of things a female might be attracted to in this link to an article on bad boys versus nice boys:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If you read the things females are attracted to, it makes sense. I like all those things too. However, a female can find those traits easier in a bad boy than in a nice guy. It takes more hunting and looking around to find males who are positive loving caring people deep down inside and also have these traits a bad boy has but it wells up from a personality that is inherently a good person. Self confidence for example attracts men to women and women to men more than even the actual looks of the person according to psychologists and many tests done on people. I am self confident myself and I am a positive loving nurturing type of person instead of negative, looking to create fights or tension or bitchy all the time. I would not be attracted to a man without self confidence and the body language that shows he's comfortable in his own skin/body. I am attracted to a guy who is not afraid to tell it like it is without sugar coating, who trusts me enough to be himself. But that does not mean I want a guy who chooses negative words and verbal attacks and verbal abuse of me as I experienced with my ex. Before taking action to date someone, get to know them as just a friend, and that way you don't have to go through breaking up with them. If a guy isn't willing to go through this stage with you, he isn't worth it. If there are situations or guys behavior you are not sure about, don't think it has to be a one time thing where you ask here. Just write to me from my column and explain what's going on and get my opinion. It would be even better if you had some adults in your life that you trust and feel comfortable enough to talk to in detail of all this stuff. But if it must be here only, please just write any time you are not sure about something a guy says or does. I might not be able to explain what he meant by it or what was going on in his mind, but I hopefully can share enough to help you be able to make the best decisions for yourself. Yes, I am older, but I raised 3 daughters so I am familiar with current day relationships and dating.
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There is such a thing where captives or abused people eventually grow to like their oppressors. Its called "Stockholm syndrome". Look it up if you want to learn more.
Some people kind of start to like the abuse because they've had it for so long, its kind of all they know. Their self esteem is very low and kind of secretly believe they deserve it. So they're getting what they think they deserve. They get some kind of guilty pleasure and that offers a "release".
Being in a state of suffering produces chemicals or hormones in the brain, which, if the body is exposed to these chemicals a lot, it begins to crave them (like drugs). So, by being abused again, the brain releases those chemicals and the craving is satisfied. Thus reaching "homeostasis". Like when you really want your drug of choice, then you get it, you get that "ahhh..." feeling then you feel more "normal". Even if its destructive.
The ability to forgive is a great trait. A lot of people ruin their lives because they can't forgive someone and it eats them up inside. But in your case, its destructive and it perpetuates the abuse. So yeah, definitely get away from them. Get the police involved if you have to.
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It is not unusual for the abused person to have feelings towards their abuser. Sometimes the only attention the abused receives it the abuse she receives. It is not a good situation to hang on to your abuser as it has been proven that by doing so the abuse gets worse.
You need help to break away from the abuse and the substance abuse you mention. You mention you are not even in High School yet. This actually is something that works for you. I you cannot ask your parents for help then talk to a trusted teach or your school principal and ask for help.
Most important is that you stand up to your abuser. Don't let him/her hurt you. Tell him/her that if they abuse you in any manner again you will file a police report. Just because your abuser my be a minor; their age does not protect them for the law.
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