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Mom with victim mentality
My mom has a victim mentality. She never accepts responsibility for her behavior and lies to make it seem like she is the victim and someone else is the perpetrator. Anytime I try to offer help, even if its watching a video or to go see a shrink, she'll say we are criticizing or attacking her. When she is backed into a corner where a normal person would have to admit fault, she'll get angry and storm out, or say "DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING!" Or she'll say "don't yell at me." (even if nobody even raised their voice, let alone yell). Anything and everything we try is met with hostility or she'll play the victim, saying we're attacking her. She uses her victim mentality to manipulate us into doing what she wants or she'll throw a tantrum, if the tantrum doesn't work, she'll go more extreme like cutting herself or try to stab herself. She has heart problems, so now she'll say she's sick or has chest pain. So we all go running to help, and predictably, she'll refuse help and refuse to go to the hospital or call an ambulance and blame us for "doing this to her". Even if its something as dumb as that we made her wait 10 minutes at the buffet while we finished eating.
She has childhood trauma so I'm guessing that that's where it started. She is a combination of hubris and self-loathing and instantly goes into victim mode anytime she doesn't agree with what is happening or if she disagrees with you. She can be rather evil at times.
She has admitted herself that what happened to her as a child might be affecting the way she acts and thinks. Then I suggest a shrink, she'll make excuses or blame others for why she can't, or she'll just get mad and throw a tantrum. (Or she might realize that getting help would mean not getting the attention she gets now through her tantrums and drama. So she refuses.)
What I'm gonna try to do is try to remove the excuses as to why she says she won't go to a shrink and try to find a way to get her to go.
Any advice would be appreciated. Even if you don't have anything to add, thanks to all the advicenators who spend their time on here helping people.
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What you describe of your Mom reminds me much of a relative with same things and it was discovered they have mental illness. Yes childhood trauma can give a start to such issues but in the case of the person I know, the things traumatic to this person are things that normally are not traumatic at all to any normal person and its because they were seeing things through a distorted cognitive ability. SO no matter what is causing this in Mom, for both situations, she should be examined by a mental health professional. However, due to being an adult, she can refuse to go or like the person i am thinking of, refuse to believe anythings wrong with them and that it is everyone else who has issues and pointing out to others what they believe are the issues with everyone else. This is a natural defense mechanism that people with mental health issues will do to take the focus off themselves, they can't help doing this. No one can talk her into going to see a Dr.
However, as Adviceman said, the one thing you can do is call 911 every time your Mom calls complaining about her heart. If it never ends up being a true heart issue, there will be a record of how many times medics have gone to check her out. For all we know, she may be feeling severe panic attacks and could be interpreting this as a heart problem. Eventually, if her heart seems fine every time she is checked out and she doesn't end up in the hospital, you could mention to 911 how many times they've gone before and it turns out she checked out fine so you think maybe she's having panic attacks. That can be scary to the person having them. So at some point, medical officials will check her out for other causes and catch the panic attacks which are anxiety based and will fall under a need to have a mental and emotional health evaluation. She may only require anxiety medication but it could turn into something more. The only way that can happen is if you don't go to Moms but use the tough love action and do what is really best for her and call 911. I was with a client when I was a caregiver and she had a panic attack and also said I was not supposed to be in her house and called the police. The police who showed up recognized her very well as a mental health patient who did strange things and had to check on her and told me she did this all the time. SO don't worry about having to call to get help to check her out. They do this all the time and expect it sometimes. Plus they have the law and the call behind them to decide whether to take her against her wishes to the hospital if she seems to be in danger to herself, mentally if there is anything physically wrong. I know of a friend who got so depressed over a situation in life that she took pills and lots of alcohol to try to kill herself. Family and friends got there and saw the condition she was in and then called 911. The police and medics were there and took her to the hospital and she had to stay until they determined she was no longer a threat to herself.
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In the instances I'm talking about she cannot turn the medics away until they are sure she okay and not a threat to herself or others. You would be calling from your home. Because you are not on premise with her the fee an police must make sure it is safe for them to leave her waiting for you. If it is determined she needs hospital care the medics can ask the police to take her into protective custody SO they can transport.
Most fire departments do not charge unless they transport. Tough love means telling her what the rules are.f what your role will be in the future as well as siblings & other relatives. Then make sure everyone does what they should
If momcalls saying she is having heart problems. Yes respond to her call but call 911 first. The first response unit is the closest engine or truck company and the should be on scene within 4 to 8 minutes There job is to stabilize & care for the patient while waiting for the ambulance.
More lives are saved because today's paramedics can start the Sam treatments the hospital would use. The difference is they are started much sooner and because of it lives are saved.
Trying to force or trick your mom into seeing a shrink will not work. She will not get the benefit of any treatment while she is not accepting that she has a problem or problems in you mothers case.
Besides the problems you wrote about there is one problem you may not be seeing. I believe when you take into account all of the other problems what results is that they are causing Clinical Depression.
While I am not a doctor I have had clinical depression and I know how it works. The depression is not only the result of the other problems it is the problem that binds the rest together. In order to cure the clinical depression you first have to accept the fact that you have this illness.
Without accepting the fact that you are depressed all the therapy is not going to be of much help. Moist people have to hit bottom before accepting they need help/ Your mom is probably someone who needs to hit bottom before asking for or accepting help.
What you can do is stop enabling her. Don't run every time she calls. Explain to mom that you have your own life and family and cannot come running ever time she calls. Also tell her that you are an adult now and will not accept being spoken to as she has.
Next time she calls and says she is sick and needs help. Do not go running over instead call 911 and have them respond. It's tough love but love she needs to be shown. These call and everything else you write about are calls for attention. By running to her you are enabling this behavior,
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