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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
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Im currently a freshman, enrolled at a 2 year university college campus. I havent paid for anything out of pocket, it was covered by financial aid. I thought i was going to go into music, but realized its not my priority anymore and had an existential crisis where i broke down crying because i dont know what i want to do anymore, and im having a hard time with school. Not that its hard, im just not motivated. I attend class, but dont do the work. Im 18 and just moved out of my parents' house. Im only able to work 20 hours a week (housekeeping is during the day) and need to get another job, but that'll leave me with even less time/motivation for school work. Im seriously considering dropping at semester. I know its hard to go back when you leave. I know it makes it hard to get a good job, but what does that matter if i dont know what carreer I want? Im feeling like i need to just work and make time for life while Im young, because no one really gets that chance until theyre too old to enjoy the nitty gritty of the adventures. I want to work, and save, and travel, and just really live instead of stressing over the amount of money im wasting and things im relearning over for the third or so time. I just dont feel like it's for me... someone please help, i really need some advice. Im so confused about my life right now.
I agree with adviceman. Even at 20 I wasn't sure what I would study if I went to college. I took the tests a college gives to find out where your interests lie by answering a set of questions. The vocational areas that got the highest ratings where the ones to go for. I came out even scores on all areas, non stuck out as higher interest. This was over 30 years ago and I doubt college offer such tests anymore.
At 18 or even 20, we don't really know what we want to do. Best thing for you is to take time off from school, start a job you can get without a degree and work a couple years and also put away money in savings. If you have roomates, that helps with cost, and you can ease into school slowly when you've figured out what you want to do. It may be that you have not yet experienced or done things that would give you a clue that this is something you really like and may have a forte for. Theres nothing wrong with going to school part time and working once you are going for something you have interest in. Interest will help you want to do the homework rather than avoid it
hi I am kind of new been on here for about 3-4 days now and just wondering is it a bad idea if I ask/ right a note to my cruse asking if she is mad at more because before she would talk normal and let me get things for her but know that my cruse found out I like her things have been going bad. She has been saying that she will do it herself and using a more angry tone of voice at me and I know that she likes one of my friends. what should I do?
Cruse is not in the slang dictionary so I am going to assume you meant cruise like crusie ship. If I am correct, it means someone you hang out around.
You've been told you are too young for this site but I will answer you anyways. You are young and interested in a girl. If a girl is not interested in you as more than a classmate or a friend, then letting someone know you like them will make them feel uncomfortable and they will pull away from a friendship. This happens all the time in male-female friendships. Just leave her alone and make some other new friends because attraction to someone, the kind needed to date or be boyfriend-girlfriend is something that can't be changed or forced. there is no secret recipe to make it happen. thats why its best you leave her alone and make new friends. And by the way, if you are wanting a girl for sex, they are too young to be getting into that and theres always the chance of pregnancy. So until you are much older, just masturbate.
Hi, we’ve been dating for 2 months and he has started to call me baby and darling but he uses baby more often. Also, he says you’re a fascinating girl. What is he trying to say? Is this a positive thing to a good relationship. I mean we have said I love you to each other even though it’s only been 2 months of dating. So, calling baby and using fascinating means he loves me?? We both are in our late 20’s. Cheers everyone!
Next time he says you are fascinating or interesting, or any description that is not detailed, just ask, "So what is it about me that you find fascinating?" This is not fishing for compliments but actually trying to learn how another person thinks and how they really feel which is important in a relationship. I don't know anyone who writes but often use hon or dear. So it can just be what a person uses to let a person know they are really listening, paying attention or that we care. People use endearments for many reasons. Using babe is a natural one for someone you really like in a relationship. It does not mean he's ready to commit long term or anything more like marriage. I can't read minds and neither can you so the best thing is to always ask. Heck I've been with my 2nd husband over 8 years and he'll say statements that I could just accept as they are or ask what he means by it. An example, "You have been very helpful to me." I can take that as a compliment and leave it at that or ask him, "So what is it that I have been helpful with." Then he'd go on to tell me specifics like when he is running late, I've already warmed up the car, helped him find his keys, etc... If you want specifics and want to know how he finds you fascinating, just ask. If a guy says that much, they will be glad to give you the details if you ask.
So this is a kinda weird question to ask. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship right now, but I'm afraid that once we meet and have sex, I'll get really embarrassed and nervous. Mostly, I'm anxious about how I'll look when I orgasm. Whenever I do, I can't help but... kind of twitch, I guess. My muscles spasm randomly and I jerk around a little. Usually my head goes forward, it's like I'm curling up around my tummy. I feel self-conscious about this. My boyfriend is so sweet and gentle, he always is really sweet when I feel insecure and calms me down when I feel anxious and start panicking. But I'm worried what he'll think. Mostly I'm worried about how nervous I'll be because I'm worried about that.
Adviceman gave all the correct details already. You are perfectly normal. I am female and can tell you that I twitch too. Actually anything from twitches to shudders throughout my body after an orgasm. You can not stop these, these all are voluntary and will slowly get lighter and lighter. All women make slightly different sounds. I know a gal who told me the sounds she makes are the ascending notes of the musical scale when she is close to, or orgasming. That is the funniest one I have heard of but hon, the guys won't think its funny, its very fulfilling to be able to bring your partner to orgasm. Thats how I feel when I can do that for my husband and he says theres a certain sense of pride for him in being able to bring me to orgasm over and over. It's like I am a new Christmas toy he can't stop playing with, pressing this button, flipping that lever.
You are young and if you are not ready to have a partner for sex, then don't do it. Besides, most young girls after sex, even with condoms, worry they might get pregnant and their worry leads to late cycles and they freak out unnecessarily. So if after you have sex the first time, you decide you want to continue doing this, then get on birth control.
I'm 16 and taking medication for anxiety. While the drug I'm on is definitely helping, it's totally killed my ability to get an erection. I'm sure it's the drug as impotence is listed as one of the possible side effects.
I told my girlfriend about my situation. We'd been talking about having sex before I started taking it, so I felt I had to tell her. I was worried she wouldn't take it well, but the truth is she seemed turned on by the news. And since then she's let me go farther in our makeout sessions than ever before and seems to enjoy them a lot more.
Maybe this is all in my head, but maybe it isn't. If it isn't, why would someone be turned on by having an impotent boyfriend? I'm really confused and trying to figure this one out.
I came to the exact same conclusion as adviceman. I am assuming the medication is going to be long term if not life long. So if you want to be able to have sex in the future, its best to let your Dr. know you are having that side effect. You are young yet but My husband had a psychologist tell him when he was a young adult to remember to always masturbate and have orgasms as a healthy man can over time start to lose the ability to become erect and you know thats going to be a killer. Basically the saying "Use it or lose it' applies here very well. So I can't say it applies here but obviously you are not able to even masturbate. I wouldn't want to think of what that does to you over long term so its best to let your Dr. know of the side effect. He won't assume its because of having sex with someone but simply that you can't masturbate. As said, she should still get on birth control and you use condoms once you have a new med that works for you but doesn't come with that side effect.
how long are you passed out for if you choke yourself
Choking implies depriving yourself of oxygen which at some point involved dying due to lack of oxygen. However, if a person were to hold their breath until they pass out, the moment they are passed out, they will resume breathing immediately. While you are unconscious, your sub conscious mind takes over. The sub. mind has many responsibilities, one of which is to monitor and make sure you take every breath, blinks your eyes, stuff you don't have to consciously give thought to. I had a younger sister who tried to force the parents to give her what she wanted by saying she'd hold her breath unless they gave her what she wanted. Mom panicked but I told her I'd learned in school that unless there were medical reasons behind a person not breathing after they pass out, for most, holding ones breath and passing out means the body starts breathing again. So Mom refused my sister, she held her breath, passed out and started breathing and in a short while came to. This is not a practice to do for fun. As adviceman said, if using any devices to choke yourself, it could result in death. I know that as you've gone too long without oxygen your body will struggle and your motor functions may not cooperate, meaning you won't be able to use your fingers to undo whatever you've used and the process of trying, failing and panicking continues for vital seconds until you finally die, unable to help yourself.
If you are simply into more exciting ways for self harm, then I would suggest you see a therapist.
I thought i was pretty good at faking being confident, i can walk with my head up high and i can give people eye contact and sometimes smile at strangers. However, one of my managers sensed it right away that i was insecure she also thinks im sad inside (which i was depressed for 5 years now im just lonely) and my voice is pretty monotone but thats what happens when youve been depressed for so long so whenever i talk my manager says i sound sad. Ive tried talking with enthusiasm but people always think im about to cry when i do so i just talk normally which is monotone. My neutral face is either resting b face or its a blank expression is what ive been told from people who look at me. My manager even told my sister that to boost my confidence i should start wearing makeup because that helped her boost her own confidence. So can people actually sense that somebody is insecure?
Yes, this can be sensed. Humans have the ability to pick up on non tangible things like this. Most of them don't know that they are actually picking up on something. All they know is they form an opinion of a person based on tangible things, things they can use the 5 senses to pick up on like seeing your face, hearing the monotone. Haven't you ever had someone pretend to smile at you but your gut reaction was, 'That was sooo fake, she just pasted on a smile and is not really interested as she pretends to be'. I've seen fake smiles. It's a smile that doesnt seem to reach their eyes. Most of what we pick up on is subtle stuff, body language, and it all happens at a subconscious level so most are not even aware what they are picking up on.
There were tests done, I read an article on it, a room full of volunteers who didn't know what they were volunteering for but believed it was for something other than they were being watched for. Observers noticed while people waited their turn that men gravitated to approaching the models types but when they discovered low self confidence, lost their interest. In the end, only the average to plainer looking women who had a strong self confidence where able to attract all the men. End of story, they may not know why they were attracted to the self confident ones but self confidence in a woman is like a aphrodisiac to the men. It's more than just men though hon, just people in general want to be around someone who seems fun and outgoing, good company, because I myself don't enjoy being around someone who is a downer and will drag my feelings of wellness down the drain. Most people don't and will subconsciously avoid those with low self esteem.
I once read in a woman's magazine of a trick to use to gain self esteem. Worked for me. But that's not what you asked. You only wanted to know if its possible for people to pick up on it. If you would rather remain low self confident, and want to know how to fake it better, then I can not help you. If you want to stop pretending and take a good stab at applying yourself and following an easy trick to see if you can boost self confidence, then let me know and I will share it with you. But don't say so in the rating spot, go to my column and write to me from there if you answer.
hi :) i know for he doesnt like me or is interested in me bc two years ago i confessed about my feelings to me and he rejected me , he said he doesnt want any relationship right now, and ever since he rejected me there has been this awkwardness between us ..he just doesmt talk to me
like if it was me who hurt me but it was hi.who rejected me...he likes other girl in my class(her name Mikaela, bu she rejected him, she only wanted to be a friend with him..and he does talk to evryone in class but me(there is 38 of us in class)...and when he kind of hugged me ...it happened when we were saying goodbye to each other when we were.coming home from trip (there were.also ither girls from class , he also hugged them...i was thinking about telling to school counselor bc i cant stand watching him everyday at school like everything is ok between us..i just cant stand him ignoring me bc it hurts me so much..i've done nothing wrong to him...and you suggest i should talk to him ? no way! i want stay as far as possible from him..i also removed him from my friends..and yes he did tried to talk to me it has been really long time ago since we talked together
Well, when I don't have enough information, I can be led to believe something different. What you shared just now tells me that he isn't into you and just being scared to make a real move. Then you shared about this Mikaela that he was into you but I hope you didn't skip over the part that she did not want him as a bf, whether she has one now or not. He just doesnt interest her in a romantic way. That's called chemistry dear. It is largely based on a persons pheromones and that is something you can not change in yourself. Let me put it this way. Lets say you have an identical twin. Both of you are into this guy. We already know he isn't into you, but maybe he finds he has chemistry with your twin. So thats to let you know, its not based on your looks but something else. A persons personality plays a part, having things in common. So two identical in personality people could have the same issue, one has chemistry with him and the other doesn't and again, that's because of pheromones. Pheromones are what the animal kingdom has to attract mates, they actually catch a scent of the one who becomes their mate. Humans are unable to pick up on the scent. All they will know is that they simply have no romantic interest in someone. Try to imagine meeting a boy who kisses you and instead of making your heart somersault, it feels gross, like a romantic kiss from your Dad or brother or a guy who you don't have anything in common with.
You don't have to believe me. I know it doesn't sound fair but this isn't age related. Til the day we die, there will be people who meet you and instantly like you or not. And thats everyone, not just a significant other but students, teachers, co-workers, neighbors. Its not possible to be friends with every single person you want to be friends with, they have a choice too. Same for relationship with a guy. If you need ways to get past this and simply changing your thoughts isn't good enough, then talk to your counselor so you can learn how to move one.
Hi 18/F
I want to move out of my mom's house asap. She keeps calling me names and making life unbearable for me. I hate going home. I don't have a job yet but I'm really almost there. I considered staying 5 more months but I can't take it anymore. My bf said i can move in with him but we've only been togheter for 2 monthes and my mom would flip because "what's the family and town going to say". I'm to scared to talk to her because she'll fiscally harm me. Please help?
Since you have been offered a place to go, grab it. But you also said you're close to getting a job. Once you're working you can save up for a place of your own. If you don't feel right taking the offer from the bf, let him know that since things are in upheavel, you'll take up on the offer because you can't stay with Mom for sanitys sake but you also don't know how well your relationship will go. So for now, you just don't want him to assume this means you are committing to living with him continuously unless as the relationship grows, you bond closer and want to do that. Make sure he is not assuming anything there. If you end up not wanting to stay with him long term and still need your own place, you're the right age to put out an ad at a local college or university for a roommate. A college student who is intent on studies instead of parties may make a good roommate to help split the cost. Theres no need for you to also be a student.
I hope all goes well for you. But please get out from under Moms roof asap. I had a verbally abusive ex husband and as the years went on, the stress of the verbal abuse began to take its toll on my physical body with all sorts of stress related sickness and illnesses. Stress has to go somewhere and its either into the body or mentally where people get depressed or suicidal.
Don't let anything Mom has said in the past change your mind. Based on what I just shared, you are doing this for yourself for self preservation reasons. She no longer can tell you what to do. Its your life and not hers to live through you. I would not tell her that you are moving out. If you have to, pack only a few things at a time, a bag or box and take them over to bf's over a string of days so she doesn't notice. I had to do that with my ex. If you pay your own phone bill, then block her also so she can't reach you to pester you on line. You basically need to cut off contact. give her time to adjust how things are going to be now without you there. It could take a year before she calms down and may be civil or actually pleasant for a visit from you. If her issue is mental illness or some kind of personality disorder, she may not be improved when you see her again. Thing is, she'd have to be willing to see a mental health therapist, be honest and willing to admit she has a problem. And since she's an adult, you can't force her to, no one can. Then only exception is if whatever she's doing is endangering her own life, and then you can call adult protective services or check with your local DSHS office to see what they can do for her. Good luck dear.
I don't know what happened. I've had him for over a year now and he's always been my little baby. Then this week he's suddenly gotten very vicious and I'm especially confused because I've actually been going out of my way to do more things for him that he likes.
For example, I bought him a new pricey food and water bowl that's raised so that he stops getting chin acne from the plastic on the floor ones he had before and so he doesn't accidentally get food in his water anymore.
I switched him over to the more expensive wet food that he likes more.
I bought him some salmon flavored lickable calming gel that he likes.
I set up a chair by the window so he could look out when hes in my room. I've been letting him freely roam the house.
The vet said he appears healthy so I don't know what's going on.
Whenever I go to pet him he bites me. He'll even reach his paws around my hand and pull it in and then bite me. He'll chase me down a hallway and bite my ankles. When he wants food he attacks me. He constantly seems ticked off and flicks his tail around.
I'm feeling really stressed out because I pour a lot of money into him and then he turns on me like this? For no reason? I feel like I spoiled him and ruined him.
What do I do?
I don't know if there are any cat experts on here but if the vet says he's fine, then its more a matter of how to understand felines. Something you may deem insignificant could be real irritating to your cat. It sounds like time to find and hire a cat expert to come in and witness how your cat acts to help you find a solution. You might check for cat lover groups on line and join and then start asking your question there in case others have suffered the same and found a solution. But then again, their cats personality may be different than yours. Its the best ideas I have of where you can find answers.
I'm currently a junior in high school. Back during the summer, I got into trouble after my parents found out I'd been to a party where there was drinking and that I'd been over at my boyfriend's house while his parents weren't home on several occasions (neither of which is allowed). How did they react? They're making me wear an ankle monitor.
Seriously, they searched online and found a company that leases them. So now they can track me 24 hours a day, every day. They've even programmed it so they'll receive alerts if I'm late getting to school, if I try to leave school early, or if I try to leave the house after curfew.
I know I violated their trust, but this seems crazy to me. One of my friends told me I should count my blessings cause she would've been grounded forever. At least I can still go out, they just always know where I'm at is all.
What do you think? Is this punishment over the top? If it is, what can I do to convince my parents to remove the monitor? It's been 4 months already.
Your friend has a good point, it could have been worse. Perhaps your parents felt the crueler punishment would have been to ground you until you became an adult at 18. If I am correct, just guessing by how you worded things, this was not a one time discretion, not the first time you broke a rule. If it was just your first time messing up, then this would be over the top. However you admitted several occasions of being at boyfriends house. Several means more than once, so this indicates to a longer history of going against the rules and boundaries set out by your parents. My guess is that you have been going against the parents for longer than you are trying to portray. Not trying to dis you or upset you, I just know reality having been a teen once myself and raised 3 daughters too. We didn't necessarily break the rules, but we knew many others who did and friends who got pregnant in school. They didn't make bad decisions just 5 times or so, it was all the time, all year long. Even if that isn't you, I'm betting the parents imagine that likely has been going on.
There's something you may not be aware of, a scientific study of the brains of teens and young adults. It was discovered the the pre frontal cortex, the part of the brain used for making good decisions, seeing possible outcomes down the road, tolerance and acceptance of all people etc.. is not fully mature until we reach our mid twenties. That would mean at least 8 more years of you not being able to make the best decisions for yourself. The scary part is you're considered an adult at 18, and should be making decisions for yourself. Your parents know this and realize this is their last ditch effort to teach you how to be as responsible as possible in a year when you are legally an adult. Since you are more concerned with the type of consequence you're dealing with, I am guessing, their lesson is not getting through, but there's hope, you may learn by age 25, 28 or so. But it will be a rough road for the next decade for you. You may be focused on the fact that this is only about attending a drinking party or being unchaperoned at boyfriends home but hon, I am a mom and I know that most kids will think its all about killing their fun, just a little fun. But its a lot more and you need to understand this before even attempting to talk to your parents about how long they plan to keep the ankle bracelet going. You can ask what it will take to regain their trust. The more you call it a punishment and complain about it, the longer they will keep it on because it indicates you haven't learned from your consequence. What your parents are probably hoping you will learn from this is that in the adult world, once you're making all your own decisions, that there are still consequences to bad decisions and actions. Bad action/decision can kill every relationship with a guy, end any job you ever get, get you in a serious auto accident because of not obeying all traffic rules like looking at your cell phone while driving when you shouldn't. I see adults do that even so thats why I use that example, it applies to a lot of people. Not following rules or boundaries can really mess up your adult life. Your parents are trying desperately to get that message across in order to save you from having to experience life the hard way, by lost jobs, broken relationships, etc. So this isn't all about how fair or not your ankle bracelet is, it's much more. If the bracelet came off tomorrow, ask yourself how tempted you would be to start breaking the rules again. Oh no, I know you would not admit it to anyone else, not even me, an anonymous advice giver and I know this isn't going the way you hoped. I know you can't see this as fair or important for you to learn due to your pre frontal cortex of your brain not being fully mature yet. You are going to be prone to making lots of bad decisions for quite some time. The better idea is to borrow the wisdom of others. Come up with a plan, or an idea you want to do as a young adult, once 18 or older, then use this site, or better yet, your parents as a sounding board, people you can bounce your ideas or plans off of to gain other perspectives before you make any final decisions, take all the information into account but the final decision is still yours. This is something you will need to be humble enough to do for the next decade, asking for others opinions and then trying always to learn from your mistakes and do better next time. Once the parents see you understand their point of view, are truly sorry for what you've done, and they insist the anklet stays on longer, it will depend a lot on how you react to saying your sorry and the thing not coming off yet. This will be the final test of what they are looking for. Do you want to take a guess, write me back and think ahead of different ways you could possibly respond (good and bad)if they accept your apology but want to keep the bracelet on a while longer to see if the apology was genuine or not? I'm a parent and I know if it were me, I wouldnt take it off immediately just to see how you react. If you truly have learned from this and want help knowing what to say to them, then answer my question first by going to my column and writing to me from there and let me know that you have thought through all the possible ways you could react starting with the worst way that makes them know you haven't learned a thing to how you would react and what you might say that may let them know you truly have learned. If you take the time to even write me back, I'll know you are headed in the right direction. I am not giving you the easy answer you asked for but a whole lot more that can really help you in life not just now but your entire adult life dear. I wish you the best.
If wet wipe bottles say they kill 99.9% of germs, then would you need a second wet wipe to kill the rest of them?
LOL, you have an interesting way to look at it. I can't tell if this is poking fun or if you are seriously asking. I believe that what they mean by the words printed as they are, is for one reason only, to protect themselves from future law suits in case someone who uses wipes get sick or contracts some kind of disease based on germs. It probably kills most but there may be an odd germ or virus that is not killed by wet wipes or any other product claiming the same thing. But the odd germs not killed by wet wipes is likely so rare an occurrence that you don't have to worry about getting it. The 99.9 is just to protect themselves in case someones claims it didn't kill the germs that ended up infecting them. They can then say, but we never said it kills 100% of all germs in existence. There was always that 1 percent chance of something that couldn't be killed by wet wipes.
Hi there,
A while ago you answered this question (http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=663892) that I asked about dealing with dysthymia and told me you would appreciate it if I told you how things are going. I meant to respond a lot sooner, but somehow didn't get to it until now.
You listed five things that may help me. I'll give my response based on those five things because I need some way to structure this or else I'll end up rambling randomly.
1. Laughter: I honestly struggle with this. I don't really know what makes me laugh. I also find it hard to take time out of my day specifically to make myself laugh when I'm not in a happy mood.
2. Meditation: I don't think about it on a regular basis, but when I'm particularly stressed or feeling off, it does help to take a few minutes to just breathe and let myself exist.
3. Movement: I find this so hard to fit into my life. I have a super busy schedule with almost no spare time and way less energy than I need to make it through each day. Walking is my favourite type of movement, but I just don't have time to go for a half-hour walk every evening.
4. Hugs: Hugs help so much. So much. I love hugs and the more I get, the happier I am. Unfortunately, I live in a house with 6 other girls, and the only one of them who will hug me only gives loose, short hugs. I have a couple friends I see once or twice a week who give good hugs (one of them is the best hugger I have ever met), but I know I need at least one good hug a day for it to be particularly helpful.
5. Music: I had already found several songs that make me feel better instantly and put them on a playlist for when I'm feeling really down or anxious. I make use of this playlist on a regular basis.
I guess...overall, I'm not sure if I'm doing that much better than I was when I sent the question, but without some of these tools I could be doing significantly worse. University is stressful and stress triggers me to feel even more down than usual. I'm currently able to keep it at a manageable level, in contrast to the past when it's gone out of control when I've been stressed.
Thank you for the advice.
Thank you for updating me. I do truly like to hear back from those who've received my two cents worth. I figured it was worth a try as the things listed are more for temporary depression of those who only are depressed a few times in life due to situations. The more chronic depression can only be possibly a little alleviated which it sounds like what you are finding.
I did not mention a psychologist turned writer that I am a great fan of. I needed to see if what I first mentioned did the trick. Since its a little more manageable but not greatly improved, I'd like to have you check out this Dr.s website:
https://feelinggood.com/
or facebook page:
https://www.facebook.com/DavidBurnsMD/
Dr. Burns used to be strictly a Dr. who dealt with medication as the only treatment for depression, anxieties or other disorders. Some colleagues told him about a new treatment method that was non medicinal and better. He was hard to convince but finally said he'd try this 'CBT' method, cognitive behavioral therapy, a try on his worst depressed patient. To his surprise, with this mental therapy, she ended up totally cured. He had to know more. Eventually, he ended up relying mostly on CBT and developed the TEAM method to help bring down peoples resistance to help or CBT won't work. So in all, he has helped many people either as his own patients, or through teaching other psychologists, or through his books, his website, you tube videos or facebook. You can check it all out and see if any of it sounds helpful to you. There will be a person listed who is currently a Dr. and can refer you to any Drs. in your zip code area who use these non medicinal methods which have proven more helpful than anything else. Its not widely publicized because pharmaceutical companies would lose too much profit if every depressed American were cured after a few months or less. Think of a surgeon and his tools like scalpel,clamps, etc and he only has one tool available to him. You wouldn't want that Dr. doing surgery on you because you know theres going to be problems, major problems. ITs the same for those with mental illness or depression and anxieties. Drs. are trying to help all these people with only one tool in their bag and the sad thing is, only a small percent of people actually still require medicine. Its the greater majority who can all find relief but continue to suffer because they take their prescribed medication that does not really help or makes things worse with side effects. I used to have severe social anxiety and although through another source, I got the exact same tricks to follow to learn to become anxiety free that Dr. Burns has in one of his books. SO I know his methods work. At the very least, reading what others have to say about how they methods helped them can give you hope. I know from reading the self help books that it is too complicated to diagnose yourself as to which particular methods and in what order they need to be used will work best for you. So while this all may still not help much, at least you know there are Dr.s out there who truly know how to help people like yourself. This new method is not all that new, at least 40 years old and it is only now starting to gain some popularity and getting to be known. So give it a look. I wish the best for you dear. I have a daughter who has depression and mental health issues and is too resistant to getting the right help so this all is near and dear to my heart.
So i have this friend you know shes the kind of girl who is basically glued to the hip with her boyfriend. If you want a girls day out you better include him, if youre having a bday party you better invite him too and if you talk to her on the phone hes all she talks about, even if you change the convo somehow she relates it to him and if you bring up your problems it still relates to him. But he can hangout with his friends without her, but she cant hangout with her own friends without him. Anyways long story short shes cut off basically all of our friends and the only friend that shes still friends with is me from the friend group. This is a problem because now im the honourary third wheel, anytime we hangout its the three of us, i have no problem with him at all hes a really cool person but im just tired of being their third wheel. Whenever we would make plans she would name all these people that supposedly would be coming but then when i go its literally only us three every single time. Even for halloween same thing we were supposed to dress like characters from a movie but i backed out last minute because i found out it was only going to be us three and what do i look like being a third wheel for their couple costume? What should i do? No this isnt her first relationship she was exactly like this with her last boyfriend, however we had more friends so hangingout with her wasnt a problem when there was 4 of us instead of 3. Then she broke up with the guy but instantly went into her current relationship (its about to be 2 years soon) we are all 19 years old.
Hey, this is all normal, but not something that we all like when we end up the 3rd wheel or ignored by a BFF. When we meet someone, we tend to want to spend more time with them because its so exciting. Its not just the friendship part with a bf/gf but that romance and sexual part that make it stand out over other relationships. When I married at 20, I tried inviting friends to come over for Halloween parties, bday parties, other events but at first everyone avoided us thinking we'd need our time alone since newly married. It took closer to 2 years before others were comfortable being around us so it can go both ways. this would be like you totally staying away from doing anything with any established couples. If any relationship ends up long lasting, like a year or longer, then eventually you will get to see the couples even out and get ready to introduce all their old friends back into their lives. This also happens naturally and theres no way to say when it can happen. So she's not doing anything wrong, and neither are you for feeling as you do. ALl you can do is try to understand but mostly give her all the time she needs until she is ready to spend time with friends. Think about it, how many long married couples do you know where the husband and wife are glued to each others hip after 5 yrs 10 yrs without ever reaching out to have mutual friends as well as their own friends and activities. I do not not of any long term couples like that. That's because all couples eventually learn how to have that special relationship as well as others in their lives. It comes in time. If she's worth it being a great friend, then you will wait for her until that time comes for her whether in months, a couple years or at some point in her adult life.
I'm in a long distance relationship, we are both in different universities far from eachother. Over the summer break,we bonded so well, we were close and I fell in love over again.Then he left for school, and I'm still at home.The problem here is that anytime we get back to school, we fight over everything like he blames me about not chatting up with him and checking up on him, meanwhile he knows I'm always busy and I do once I get the chance. The real problem now is that anytime I decide to call him, he's always telling me he's busy and I should call him back in an hour. It's painful cs anytime he says that, he makes me feel unwanted. After he says that, I don't talk to him anymore cs I loose interest in us.. It's not once neither is it twice he has done it.. He does it most times and I'm tired of it.. It feels like we are going more distant by day and it's painful cs I decided over d break to give my all into the relationship.. I need advice .
I'll share a quote that I feel applies.
'Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so.
A healthy relationship isn't something you sit back and have happen to you. It actually takes equal work on the part of both people.
You said when he says he's too busy to talk to you, it hurts and makes you feel unwanted. Have you given thought to how the same thing makes him feel? Its a two way street and isn't just about one person only getting life to unfold exactly as they imagined it would. So perhaps you both didn't realize how such a separation would affect you both. Knowing him for only 3 months before the separation may contribute. Although some can truly have met their soul mate and know each other pretty well in that short a time but for most of us, well, we need more time than that to have a solid relationship. LDRs work only for those who had a solid good length of time in the relationship before being parted by the armed forces or one going to college. I am not making my own opinion here, so if curious why, just write and ask me. "meanwhile he knows I'm always busy " you said, and maybe he knew but didn't imagine it would be that busy as you were and it was too much for him because i believe he felt what you did, all while you assumed he understood. Maybe he said he did but didn't yet kept quiet thinking he could work it out personally. Apparently not. I am guessing he was hurt and felt left out when you were busy so his response is to treat you the way he assumed you treated him on purpose, only you may not have meant to make him feel ignored or unimportant. His response is a child like response that all adults like to indulge in every once in a while, I know we aren't all perfect. But I am guessing he is avoiding you on purpose to hurt you back. I can't be certain but just by what you shared, this is my best guess. A relationship needed face to face time to survive and grow. A person can say anything they want in text and be lying so its also hard to trust a person fully. That is also another likelihood, that 3 months is not enough time for most people to build a real solid trust in each other. SO either he or both of you do not have a strong enough trust. Without that, it is even easier for him to imagine you pushing him away, etc.
If you stick with him during the time he's away, it will likely continue to be rocky. If you can see it from his perspective and not be angry but truly want to smooth things out so when school is done you both can try carrying on the relationship face to face, you will have to make the effort and bring up the subject.
No blaming him for anything. YOu can only own your feelings. This means saying how you felt when he kept saying he was budy and realizing now that likely it was how he felt too when you were busy too. When a man falls for a girl, no matter how busy he is, the excitement of being with that girl is enough to make him find time. Really, women are the same but we tend to think men aren't as emotional as women. they actually feel all the same things females do but are just better at hiding it. He did not come out and tell you how your busy-ness was affecting him without accusing or blaming you. That would have been the best and most adult like response. Instead he's doing the same to you. The other chance is that he is truly busy and has no clue it bothers you or he's lost interest and found someone else, and this is his lame way to put you off at arms length until you tire of it and go looking for someone else. i can't know what's going on in either of your thoughts. But one thing is certain, there isn't enough real good conversing going on. Talking of what you did over the past week isn't the kind of talking that will help help mature a relationship. Yes, it's important to know whats going on for each other but more important is all that internal stuff, expectations, assumptions, over thinking, misunderstanding, etc....all the kinds of stuff that is thought based and comes from our minds. This is what we need to share with each other as well as our hopes, dreams, beliefs, strengths and weakness and what we stand for. Too many get wrapped up in just the surface layer, looks, and never look deeper. Others haven't taken the time to build a solid base before leaping into something that is even hard on long seasoned marriages, a long separation. So I am not surprised that distance is affecting both of you. Either you both are willing to talk it all out, ask each other for forgiveness and makeup or you will separate.
For, what i think are, obvious reasons him and I both love bruises all over my body but he's been struggling to bruise me. Yes he can give me hickeys but that's not all I like, I really enjoy fingerprints on my inner thigh and hips. How can I help him do this, like what are some tips for him and I to try so he can master the fingertip bruises?
You state he loves the idea of bruising you all over. I can't judge what is a turn on for others sexually and I do not care for that myself. But I am open minded and if that is what turns you on, great. However there may be plenty of reasons that he won't do this and forcing the issue could result in you breaking up down the line.
One one thing,the way he was raised plays a part. If he had a parent who beat him til he had bruises, he may not see that as a good thing to see on a persons body and brings up bad memories.
Or he could have been raised to treat women are certain way, being gentle and respectful. So you may wonder how he could love to think about and talk about it but when it comes to doing it, he can't or won't. There are two kinds of sexual turn ons, the ones that involve just the mind which is considered our greatest sex organ. For many, just the watching of porn, or thinking about something that is out of what they consider proper or out of their comfort zone sexually can be a great turn on but the actual carrying out of doing it is not at all and can in fact be a real big turn off or scary.
So lets turn this around and lets say the female finds the thought of being raped is a sexual turn on to her. I have heard there are plenty for whom this works. However if they were to be raped in real life, it would be traumatic and not pleasant as imagined in their mind and certainly not arousing but terrifying instead. So its entirely possible that this is more of a mind related, thought thing that he likes thinking about but cant and won't be it in real life because it would be disgusting to him or whatever he'd feel.
There are no tricks or cute little tips to get a person to doing something that goes against the grain for them. When we ask a person to change who they are even in small ways to be perfect for us, theres always the chance they lose self respect or you can lose respect for him, even though you wouldn't think so. I'll explain this one before going on. If you keep changing him to become exactly what you want instead of finding a man who is already on the same page as you, the one asking the other to do something that goes against who they are at core, can make you have less respect for someone who no longer resembles the person you first met. I'm not saying you will but its a possibility over time. If he does exactly like you want in everything, forcing himself even though it goes against the grain for him, you will eventually not be happy with him just doing it but want his mind and heart into it as much as you. You can't do anything to change that. So you can lose interest in him when this happens to you and he can also come to resent you for asking him to do something a step farther than he was comfortable with. Wanting a person to do something that is not part of who they are as a personality isn't always just one thing but is or can grow into demanding lots of subtle changes in too many areas for them and the resentment grows even though they do as you ask. But eventually, something has to give under this kind of pressure and it's usually the relationship, by breaking up. I hope I explained that well enough.
So have a talk with him and try to find out if there are differences for him in what he finds exciting sexually to think about but would never want to carry out. And ask if the bruising is one of them. If so, then you two should neither have to change for the other, you simply have the wrong partner. But most people wouldn't break up over something like a difference like this. Instead they would find a compromise they both can live with. If no compromise can be found in your situation, which I assume is the case, you want real live bruises, not him thinking about them as it doesnt do the same for you as it might in his thoughts, then you both will never be happy or see eye to eye in this area. Then its a matter of time before you get tired of not getting the bruises you want and go elsewhere. Love isn't just an attraction to the person on skin level, their body, their hair, etc but who they are inside with all their likes and dislikes.
I understand being sexually mismatched better than most as I had that with first husband. A relationship needs two important things to have a solid foundation for that relationship.
One is being each others best friend and second is being each others sexual equal. And that would mean he'd be okay with giving you real bruises. Since he isn't, I am guessing you two are not equals in the sexual area. He may enjoy rough sex but that is likely a bit over what his internal limits are.
So about a month ago, I met a girl, let’s call her A. We got to know each other for a bit and I really like her personality a lot, I think we’d make a great couple, and she’s really cute. But about two or so weeks ago, I met a girl called B. Now B is like absolutely STUNNING, like WOW, and even though we just met, I can say I like her personality too, so I’m stuck. Should I date A, because I’ve known her longer and we were kind of leading into a relationship? Or should I go for B, because I like her personality too, and I think she’s absolutely stunning? I know I sound really stupid, but it would help to sort out my mind
Hey there,
I went back over your history of questions, yes advicenators has a list of previous questions posted by people. You have questions going back to January 2015 and every single one of them is about dating, breaking up, LDR's, deciding who to choose or what to say or do regarding dating or choosing someone.
These are valid questions. However, since we're almost done with 2017, that's 3 years basically of asking the same type of questions over and over. It can't be the same two or three gals in 3 years time. I am guessing you want to fall in love, maybe even looking for that one for a long term relationship or marriage. If not, then you are dating only for social reasons which means you just want a person to go out to movies or dinner with, but it's not necessary to be in love with. I do not know which is your situation. If you are serious, then you first need to be able to analyse yourself, same as you would for a job resume, what are your strengths, what do you need and want in a relationship with a female. I did the same for when I was divorced and looking for a 2nd mate. I had to know what my needs were before I could have a clue how to make a list (yes a real list) of criteria a guy had to have to be able to date me.
Some are reasons important only to you because of life experiences, any allergies, type of lifestyle or beliefs that could easily conflict with another person. Not saying that there are people who are doing bad habits or bad things in a relationship, but just are not the right ones to be perfect for you. So I can't tell you who to pick. But I can tell how how to go about making such a list. For the gals, I have a document called, "how to find Mr. Right'. Guys don't usually need it but I feel you may benefit from it due to your dating record.
I will paste it in here now. Sorry this is long but if you are serious, you will pour over my instructions carefully and apply them for yourself and if you have questions or don't understand, just write to me from my column not in the comments section.
How to find Ms. Right.
First you need to understand yourself well enough to be able to articulate it to others. Do it like you are making a job resume. Only its more important than going for a job. You can quit a job that doesn't work out easier than quitting a relationship. While girls may like to know what you earn, if you own a car, house or dog or where you went to school, those things don't tell her the kind of things she needs to know to realize whether you sound like what she's looking for.
She'll want to know things like how your mind works, what you believe in, what types of things catch your interest, your strengths, your personality type, your idea of manners if any, how you treat a female, what drives you to action, meaning what you are passionate about. I'll use myself as an example to clarify what I am telling you to do.
I tend to be both creative and a nurturer at heart. These two things can be found as the reason why I do the things I do and have the hobbies and interests I have. On the nurturing side, I loved raising my children and now inputting into grandchildrens lives, this is a nurturing aspect that is not always a strength in all people and missing in some. The nurturing also fuels my intereset in tending a garden, and all that goes into it, where to plant, watering weeding, etc. and also the fact that I am on here at advicenators. If I didn't give a crap about helping others to possibly find solutions to their situations, a nurturing thing again, I wouldn't be here and most certainly wouldn't take the time to explain in detail. The creativity has come out in my cooking, and putting together meals without use of recipes, in making of crafts, whether jewelry, painting, drawing, singing, playing guitar and creating songs. It also comes out in the designing of the garden. You can give a list of what you like to do, but if you can name the driving force, that which impels you to take part in such things, then that explains more of who you are. Personality is important too. Some people are leaders, others followers, some extrovert and talkative while others are introvert and quiet, shy, don't speak much or seem quiet but once they get to know you they warm up. I am talkative and I did not want a man who could not converse much at all with me. He had to be a talker too.
I am also allergic to cigarette smoke and the lingering odor on clothes or on the person. So I had this in a list of criteria for what I was looking for in a guy, a non smoker. This brings me to explaining how you draw from a list of your needs to make a list of criteria a gal has to meet to be right for you.
A need is something that is a must have, it is something that if missing, makes it a deal breaker. An example would be a man who wants children and the gal doesn't ever want to have any. YOu don't get together with someone wrong for you in such areas and then try to convince them to your way of thinking which requires them to change who they really are at core. this builds resentment in the one required to change and the one who keeps changing their mate, to grow bored with them or even not respect them for being someone you could walk all over.
I understand men are visual and so how a female looks is important to him. But it can't be the only thing a guy uses as criteria, or they will always be searching for that next 'dating high' which I call New Relationship energy or NRE, this is a feeling almost like a drug at the beginning of any relationship, your head and heart is in the clouds, you are so excited, like a kids at Christmas that got what they asked for. But how many gifts did you ever get that you played with for days, weeks, a month and then got bored with it. If you are honest, it will have happened at least once if not many times. My parents got a clue from watching what interested me long long term, long after Christmas and all year around, (clue: it's stuff related to what your strengths are and you are passionate about, that which drives you) For me, it turned into lots of artistic types of gifts.
Something like a great big difference in religious beliefs can also be an item on your need list if you are really into what you believe. Having someone who doesn't believe the same and is either teasing you about yours all the time or worse, trying to change you, is not going to work. Your list of needs will be your own. Mine included a person slow to anger and who didn't raise their voice to me because my first husband turned out verbally abusive. I also after years learned the tell tale signs that a guy is like the ex in that aspect. On my list also was finding my sexual equal; not something many women think of. But in first marriage, I learned the hard way. He has a low libido and I a high one, what one liked to do , the other didn't, and most important, he wasn't in love with me, just loved me more like a favorite flavor of ice-cream and a preference like that is not enough. So he never looked at me with passion in his eyes. As important as this area is to a guy, sex should be compatible. You can find out enough in talking and a kiss goodnight to have a pretty good idea if there's enough compatibility to start dating.
I want to clarify a second list, one of wants. One of needs and one of wants. The wants is like frosting on the cake. It would be really great, but if not present in that person, it's not a deal breaker because you are sure it is something you can live without.
Again, using myself as an example, I put down that I prefer long hair in men or totally shaved head, everything in between doesn't interest me as much. I also like to dance and hoped for a guy who liked to dance too but if I didn't get that, I could live without it. Most important to me was how the man would treat me after being treated like crap for 1 1/2 mos shy of 30 years.
So make sure this list is only for you, in case you do find two people who both meet ALL of your criteria on the Needs list. Then you look at the wants list and choose the person who also has most of your 'wants'. I don't think this happens to many people at all, having to choose between several people who all meet the Needs criteria. I was on a dating site for 2 years before I finally met my 2nd husband. He kept seeing my profile and my description of myself and the criteria list and felt it was too good to be true and he'd already met plenty who said similar things and were not at all what they claimed to be.
That is also the reason why if using the internet to meet people, you use it only as a tool to know of their existence and if they sound kinda promising. Then you take it into the real world and a face to face meeting asap. I met plenty of guys for coffee as an initial meeting to see if there was any chemistry...you'll know, you'll feel it in talking with them and I always made sure to give a good night kiss at the end to see how that felt. I might think I liked a guy but if the kiss felt like having a romantic kiss with a parent or sibling, (gross) then you have no chemistry. I don't know if this is hard for males to separate this kind of feeling from the feelings of instant lust reactions in their body from just the contact of lips or sight of her. You may have to work hard at this one til you get it if all kisses feel good to you. guys usually made the first move in contacting me or asking me out. But sometimes a gal makes the first move. Its' best to not do a movie or something that takes your concentration away from each other or being able to hear each other. So a noisy bar or other venue is not good either. A meeting for the first time would be good in a relaxed quieter setting so you can talk things out. You might save some of the criteria you'd rather not discuss the first meeting for the next time but no longer. A gal also needs to know if you are looking for your life mate and seriously looking to commit to one. (although you may not run into this, there are a smaller group of people who instead of monogamous are polyamorous or swingers. Don't laugh, i visited such a club and asked the couples whose idea it was. With the exception of one, all the females had asked their boyfriends or husbands if they'd want to try it.)
If the gal is into serial monogamy, meaning committed to the one currently being dated until they break up and then she looks for the next guy who will commit to date only her until such times as they both agree to part. All of this stuff is important to know up front. If she isn't forthcoming with describing herself and what she wants, as most people don't even think of this, you may have to ask some good questions to draw out the information you need to know. I told every guy I was an open book and had nothing to hide, not even my weaknesses or faults. And let them know they could ask anything, any subject. It was that important to me that I get what I wanted. And I did get everything I wanted except a guy who dances. And that is something I can live without.
This isn't easy. It takes some mental work and your list won't develop in just one sitting but over days or weeks or months until it is complete. I remember not being able to think of a thing to put on my list until I was busy doing something else with my mind wandering, so I immediately made a note of it. If you have any questions, let me know by writing to me from my column. I can't answer if you ask where you rate my advice.
I only have a birth certificate. What do I need to have to get replacements?
You're already in the their computer systems, both with Driver licensing and with Social security, whether you have cards or not. So have something to prove who you are. A birth certificate would help. But your particular offices may not need that or want other papers. So I would call each one first and let them know it was lost or stolen if that's the case. For driver license, you'll have to pay for the replacement card but shouldn't have to with Soc. security. So just ask how much the replacement will cost. It isn't dumb to call and ask these questions. They get these kinds of questions all the time, so just call and ask them.
Hi :) its me again...so we went(this friday, 3rd November) to a class trip. we went to cabin to party the whole class (its a tradiotion to go on trip like this after a prom. and we had a prom a week ago , on friday)...so as i told you the boy(he´s my classmate) that rejected me, he doesnt talk to me, he doesnt notice me at all but he talks to EVERYONE in my class...so now im back from the "party trip" we went on..and i really dont get him...when we met there in the cabin ...he greeted everyone but me , didnt talk to me at all trip ..and when we were walking to the railway station going back home he was asking me something, he tried to talk to me , and when we were saying goodbye to each other he kinda hugged me.. so i really dont know whats wrong with him...but still my heart is still aching like someone broke my leg or something...and really dont want to go to school , having to see him again and again....but my teacher that teachs me German language is also a school counselo/psychologist ...and i was wondering that i should tell her about my problem..i dont know should i ? i dont know if i have courage to do so ?
I don't think the counselor is needed yet. It depends on what happens when you talk to him about this. Who knows, some guys are not sensitive types and don't pick up on things they do that may irritate others. Its hard to imagine he personally said Hi to everyone your grade level at school unless its quite a small group. i am thinking at least 100 or more people. But it must have felt like he greeted everyone but you.
There is another possible reason for him avoiding you and not talking to you with others around especially, and that reason would be that he is very interested in you. He has a crush on you.
It is no different for females who get a crush on a guy and are too scared they'll do something stupid or make a fool of themselves if they even approach and talk to the other person. Why people do this is because it is too important to them that they impress the one they are crushing on and for whatever reasons, they feel they may not measure up and so they don't even try to make contact. Obviously, he knows you well enough to be on talking terms but doesn't.
It could be he started out just liking you as a classmate or friend but when his feelings changed to feel more than a friend, he was too afraid now to blow it so he pulls away. I don't get it either hon, I know adult males who've done the pull away and be distant thing to me too, at all ages, not just when young. Its a male trait, thinking they are protecting the female from getting upset...in your case from being disgusted that he is into you and grossed out, or letting you know he likes you but afraid you might not feel the same in return. You didn't give examples of the conversation but the fact he singled you out to say something and give the kinda hug which I assume is the sideways hug with the one arm, means that he is interested. He would not get your hopes up if he was not attracted to you that way. If it were you, would you approach a male classmate you are not interested in that way and say hi and talk to him if you were not attracted or even grossed out by the guy? Of course you wouldn't cus you'd be afraid of the guy picking up on you just being nice for the wrong reasons and assume you really like him and want to date. These kinds of thoughts do go through peoples minds and have no reason to be believed until proven otherwise.
He may be too sensitive to teasing and riduculing of his male friends and not want to approach you much publicly. On the way to the train, either you were pretty much alone with no one really near others were all around you. I don't know which it is. So he may not be embarrassed, just has no clue how to leave good clues that he is interested. At least I assume so because he spoke to you and hugged. That is what makes me pretty sure. I don't know why you say he 'tried' to talk, unless others were constantly saying hi to him and interrupting. Otherwise, he would have talked about whatever he wanted. It might shed more light to know what the convo was. But as I said the last bit you revealed tells much. So I would approach him when no one else is around or write him a letter and pass it to him, asking him to read and please respond to you with an answer.
Don't accuse him of ignoring you just in case that's not what he's doing. You don't want to upset someone with innocent intentions. I'll call him Tim. Say, Tim, I need to clear the air about something and it involves you. When in the group setting with classmates, it feels to me like you greet and talk to everyone but me. I understand that is probably not your intention but that is how it has come across to me. Then on the way back home, walking to the train, you actually talked to me and kinda side hugged me. I don't think you'd do that if you were not interested in me as at least a friend. So I am confused and asking you if it's just a personality conflict and you feel we are too much different and are truly avoiding me. If so, being friendly like you did sends a conflicting message. I do like you as a classmate, a friend and am open to more if it works out that way. (don't scare him off by saying you want to be his girlfriend or feel you love him. Guys get scared and will avoid that if they feel a gal is trying to rush him to feel something she already feels but he doesn't yet and so they often will back off totally. They want time to be able to let a friendship grow into something more. So even if you hope for more, don't reveal it. At this starting stage, if he asks point blank if you're into him or like him, just leave it at liking him lots as a friend and open to if it eventually turns into something more. That won't make him feel pressured. Too many girls want a boyfriend to show off to their friends and not every guy if ready to be some gals 'trophy' just to make her happy. I hope this helps. If you left out any other important info, please let me know. You cana't write too much info when dealing with me. I take my time and write out all details and possible thoughts to help others understand. I don't feel a one line answer cuts it most the time.
Hi
You replied to my question a few monthes back
ww.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=663774
I understand you are a mom yourself so i really appreciate your advice.
So details missing - i am actually 23 years old, i dont live with my mom i only come visit. Her room is always open and its a small house also i never come to her room without het inviting me.
I have no problem with the fact she keeps sex toys in a drawr hidden . but the electric tootbrush is REALLY IN FULL DISPLAY.
Also i have no issues with masturbating . i also do that myself but i keep my vibrator deep in the closet. Its jyst that she frickin keeps it out like its just a tootbrush and i wouldnt guess.
Im deeply disgusted, i just saw it again now when im visiting and cried. Its a serious issue.
If you were in her shoes, what is the best way to bring this issue up ? Because now, i feel like i would just yell at her that shes disgusting for not having that hidden.
Ohhh, I thought you lived with Mom. This is certainly interesting. First impression is that Mom's place doesn't have to be 'company' ready for any friends that might drop by. How many people pick up around the house a couple times a day in case someone comes by? She has a right to clean or not clean as she wishes. I don't know if you drop by or call and let her know you are planning to come by. Just because you ARE family, she may not apply the same meticulous cleaning and hiding of embarrassing things she wouldn't want company to see. So if dropping by, you will need to stop that. Call and make an appt that will give her time to clean up.
Then, she'd also have to know it bugs you and if she puts it away for company, then she needs to treat you as company. If she doesn't put it away for company, then you'll have to let her know it disturbs you to see it laying around and ask her to tidy sex toys away when you call to let her know you are coming over. Assure her you are not a prude and use the same yourself but it is a bit disturbing for a child to see their parent as a sexual person with use of the paraphenalia. Really, if you have no problem with what she does, you just don't want any visual reminders of the fact Mom has those needs and I understand, that is normal for some adult children. Others are not as disturbed by it. If Mom gets upset and won't change, then either you put your big girl panties on and learn how to ignore it so you can visit Mom, or stop going by her home and only have her come by yours to see you. The last option of not seeing her at all is something I am sure you don't plan on doing if it comes to it.