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Which girl do I choose
So about a month ago, I met a girl, let’s call her A. We got to know each other for a bit and I really like her personality a lot, I think we’d make a great couple, and she’s really cute. But about two or so weeks ago, I met a girl called B. Now B is like absolutely STUNNING, like WOW, and even though we just met, I can say I like her personality too, so I’m stuck. Should I date A, because I’ve known her longer and we were kind of leading into a relationship? Or should I go for B, because I like her personality too, and I think she’s absolutely stunning? I know I sound really stupid, but it would help to sort out my mind
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Hey there,
I went back over your history of questions, yes advicenators has a list of previous questions posted by people. You have questions going back to January 2015 and every single one of them is about dating, breaking up, LDR's, deciding who to choose or what to say or do regarding dating or choosing someone.
These are valid questions. However, since we're almost done with 2017, that's 3 years basically of asking the same type of questions over and over. It can't be the same two or three gals in 3 years time. I am guessing you want to fall in love, maybe even looking for that one for a long term relationship or marriage. If not, then you are dating only for social reasons which means you just want a person to go out to movies or dinner with, but it's not necessary to be in love with. I do not know which is your situation. If you are serious, then you first need to be able to analyse yourself, same as you would for a job resume, what are your strengths, what do you need and want in a relationship with a female. I did the same for when I was divorced and looking for a 2nd mate. I had to know what my needs were before I could have a clue how to make a list (yes a real list) of criteria a guy had to have to be able to date me.
Some are reasons important only to you because of life experiences, any allergies, type of lifestyle or beliefs that could easily conflict with another person. Not saying that there are people who are doing bad habits or bad things in a relationship, but just are not the right ones to be perfect for you. So I can't tell you who to pick. But I can tell how how to go about making such a list. For the gals, I have a document called, "how to find Mr. Right'. Guys don't usually need it but I feel you may benefit from it due to your dating record.
I will paste it in here now. Sorry this is long but if you are serious, you will pour over my instructions carefully and apply them for yourself and if you have questions or don't understand, just write to me from my column not in the comments section.
How to find Ms. Right.
First you need to understand yourself well enough to be able to articulate it to others. Do it like you are making a job resume. Only its more important than going for a job. You can quit a job that doesn't work out easier than quitting a relationship. While girls may like to know what you earn, if you own a car, house or dog or where you went to school, those things don't tell her the kind of things she needs to know to realize whether you sound like what she's looking for.
She'll want to know things like how your mind works, what you believe in, what types of things catch your interest, your strengths, your personality type, your idea of manners if any, how you treat a female, what drives you to action, meaning what you are passionate about. I'll use myself as an example to clarify what I am telling you to do.
I tend to be both creative and a nurturer at heart. These two things can be found as the reason why I do the things I do and have the hobbies and interests I have. On the nurturing side, I loved raising my children and now inputting into grandchildrens lives, this is a nurturing aspect that is not always a strength in all people and missing in some. The nurturing also fuels my intereset in tending a garden, and all that goes into it, where to plant, watering weeding, etc. and also the fact that I am on here at advicenators. If I didn't give a crap about helping others to possibly find solutions to their situations, a nurturing thing again, I wouldn't be here and most certainly wouldn't take the time to explain in detail. The creativity has come out in my cooking, and putting together meals without use of recipes, in making of crafts, whether jewelry, painting, drawing, singing, playing guitar and creating songs. It also comes out in the designing of the garden. You can give a list of what you like to do, but if you can name the driving force, that which impels you to take part in such things, then that explains more of who you are. Personality is important too. Some people are leaders, others followers, some extrovert and talkative while others are introvert and quiet, shy, don't speak much or seem quiet but once they get to know you they warm up. I am talkative and I did not want a man who could not converse much at all with me. He had to be a talker too.
I am also allergic to cigarette smoke and the lingering odor on clothes or on the person. So I had this in a list of criteria for what I was looking for in a guy, a non smoker. This brings me to explaining how you draw from a list of your needs to make a list of criteria a gal has to meet to be right for you.
A need is something that is a must have, it is something that if missing, makes it a deal breaker. An example would be a man who wants children and the gal doesn't ever want to have any. YOu don't get together with someone wrong for you in such areas and then try to convince them to your way of thinking which requires them to change who they really are at core. this builds resentment in the one required to change and the one who keeps changing their mate, to grow bored with them or even not respect them for being someone you could walk all over.
I understand men are visual and so how a female looks is important to him. But it can't be the only thing a guy uses as criteria, or they will always be searching for that next 'dating high' which I call New Relationship energy or NRE, this is a feeling almost like a drug at the beginning of any relationship, your head and heart is in the clouds, you are so excited, like a kids at Christmas that got what they asked for. But how many gifts did you ever get that you played with for days, weeks, a month and then got bored with it. If you are honest, it will have happened at least once if not many times. My parents got a clue from watching what interested me long long term, long after Christmas and all year around, (clue: it's stuff related to what your strengths are and you are passionate about, that which drives you) For me, it turned into lots of artistic types of gifts.
Something like a great big difference in religious beliefs can also be an item on your need list if you are really into what you believe. Having someone who doesn't believe the same and is either teasing you about yours all the time or worse, trying to change you, is not going to work. Your list of needs will be your own. Mine included a person slow to anger and who didn't raise their voice to me because my first husband turned out verbally abusive. I also after years learned the tell tale signs that a guy is like the ex in that aspect. On my list also was finding my sexual equal; not something many women think of. But in first marriage, I learned the hard way. He has a low libido and I a high one, what one liked to do , the other didn't, and most important, he wasn't in love with me, just loved me more like a favorite flavor of ice-cream and a preference like that is not enough. So he never looked at me with passion in his eyes. As important as this area is to a guy, sex should be compatible. You can find out enough in talking and a kiss goodnight to have a pretty good idea if there's enough compatibility to start dating.
I want to clarify a second list, one of wants. One of needs and one of wants. The wants is like frosting on the cake. It would be really great, but if not present in that person, it's not a deal breaker because you are sure it is something you can live without.
Again, using myself as an example, I put down that I prefer long hair in men or totally shaved head, everything in between doesn't interest me as much. I also like to dance and hoped for a guy who liked to dance too but if I didn't get that, I could live without it. Most important to me was how the man would treat me after being treated like crap for 1 1/2 mos shy of 30 years.
So make sure this list is only for you, in case you do find two people who both meet ALL of your criteria on the Needs list. Then you look at the wants list and choose the person who also has most of your 'wants'. I don't think this happens to many people at all, having to choose between several people who all meet the Needs criteria. I was on a dating site for 2 years before I finally met my 2nd husband. He kept seeing my profile and my description of myself and the criteria list and felt it was too good to be true and he'd already met plenty who said similar things and were not at all what they claimed to be.
That is also the reason why if using the internet to meet people, you use it only as a tool to know of their existence and if they sound kinda promising. Then you take it into the real world and a face to face meeting asap. I met plenty of guys for coffee as an initial meeting to see if there was any chemistry...you'll know, you'll feel it in talking with them and I always made sure to give a good night kiss at the end to see how that felt. I might think I liked a guy but if the kiss felt like having a romantic kiss with a parent or sibling, (gross) then you have no chemistry. I don't know if this is hard for males to separate this kind of feeling from the feelings of instant lust reactions in their body from just the contact of lips or sight of her. You may have to work hard at this one til you get it if all kisses feel good to you. guys usually made the first move in contacting me or asking me out. But sometimes a gal makes the first move. Its' best to not do a movie or something that takes your concentration away from each other or being able to hear each other. So a noisy bar or other venue is not good either. A meeting for the first time would be good in a relaxed quieter setting so you can talk things out. You might save some of the criteria you'd rather not discuss the first meeting for the next time but no longer. A gal also needs to know if you are looking for your life mate and seriously looking to commit to one. (although you may not run into this, there are a smaller group of people who instead of monogamous are polyamorous or swingers. Don't laugh, i visited such a club and asked the couples whose idea it was. With the exception of one, all the females had asked their boyfriends or husbands if they'd want to try it.)
If the gal is into serial monogamy, meaning committed to the one currently being dated until they break up and then she looks for the next guy who will commit to date only her until such times as they both agree to part. All of this stuff is important to know up front. If she isn't forthcoming with describing herself and what she wants, as most people don't even think of this, you may have to ask some good questions to draw out the information you need to know. I told every guy I was an open book and had nothing to hide, not even my weaknesses or faults. And let them know they could ask anything, any subject. It was that important to me that I get what I wanted. And I did get everything I wanted except a guy who dances. And that is something I can live without.
This isn't easy. It takes some mental work and your list won't develop in just one sitting but over days or weeks or months until it is complete. I remember not being able to think of a thing to put on my list until I was busy doing something else with my mind wandering, so I immediately made a note of it. If you have any questions, let me know by writing to me from my column. I can't answer if you ask where you rate my advice.
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