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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hi, so I'm a gay male. I've been married for only half a year. My husband and I had been together and deeply in love for a year before we got married. But he's changed a lot in the past couple months. (Ever since we said the I do) he temper has gotten awful, all we do is fight. He doesn't want to allow me to dress how I used to. Doesn't let me see friends. He won't let me go back to school or get a vehicle of my own. He talks to other guys online. Tells people how much he hates me. But to my face he says he loves me and cares about me. Our fights start about any little thing you can think of, and blow out of proportion and turn into huge fights. I've heard that the first 5 years are supposed to be the best but the first 5 months have been an emotional roller coaster. He loves me one day and hates me the next. The only time I get attention is right before bed and only if he wants sex. Other than that I just don't matter until he needs money or cigarettes. He won't get a job. I pay for all of his expenses. Including the car (that is not mine) that he "lets" me drive to work. I feel he may have cheated. He leaves with his friends and doesnt ever let me know where he is when im at work, and gets mad if i ever want to go out. hes really isolated me from my friends and family. He's extremely controlling and mentally abusive. He's basically destroying me. And I just don't know if I should keep trying anymore. He used to treat me like gold. Now I'm just dirt on his boots. Happy valentines day-
The Answer
Leave him.
You've described text-book abuse. It sounds like you also know this is a text-book case of abuse.
Call a domestic abuse survivors hotline if you need some support, or some idea of 'how' to make that next step, but you already know this isn't worth fighting for.
There are lots of supports out there for victims of domestic abuse, but there is also hotline especially for gay and lesbian victims. I don't know much about it, but if you don't feel comfortable about contacting one of the major hotlines, you could start there instead.
http://gmdvp.org/
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The Question
Yesterday I had sex with a partner I've been involved with for about 2 or 3 months now. He's very well endowed and the sex has been great every time. No problems. Well yesterday he was slamming into me HARD and deeper than usual. It felt soooooo good. But then all of a sudden he did it again but hit something and it hurt pretty bad for a second. We switched to doggy style shortly after (we were just in missionary with my legs up high) nd I noticed it hurt a little this way so I finished him off with a blow job.
Anyway... later on I could still feel some discomfort but nothing too terrible. Embarrassingly enough it felt kind of like gas and it helped a little to fart but even that was difficult now too and I had to pee a little more often than normal.
Anyway the pain got bad before bed so I took some ibuprofen. I was able to fall asleep but the pain came back and woke me up so I took 4 more ibuprofen. I think it might be helping but in scared to move cuz it hurts. I have had a lot of sex and I'm experienced so it's not that. I just got a mirena taken out so could that do it? anyone know what might be going on? How long the pain will last and if it'll go away on its own or if I should see a doctor? Please help!!:(
The Answer
You should see a doctor.
It may just be bruising, but nevertheless, you should see a doctor.
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The Question
22/F
My ex and I were together for 5 years off and on. We broke up last september but continued to try to make things work up until november when he just stopped talking to me. He'd always break up with me and then go running back to his ex for a week or two and then come back to me expecting me to accept him and like an idiot I did. this went on for 5 years! Well a mutual friend texted me yesterday asking me if I knew that he was engaged and I completely fell apart. I'm pretty sure he's engaged to that girl and I always knew the day would come where he never came back but I guess I just always hoped he would. Well anyways I lost it and I feel completely heart broken I can't even talk to my current bf about it because I know he'll be like "you still love him? are you not happy with me?" and I really don't know why I feel so sad. I always thought in the end it would be me and him.. I just want to text him so bad and yell at him and tell him how much I hate him but I know that wouldn't solve anything. What did I do?
The Answer
It's okay to grieve something that was a bit part of your life.
But don't text him. He’s out of your life – he already was out, but it’s understandable that it feels more final now.
He's a piece of shit. You know this better than anyone. The idea that he was ever going to give you anything like the life or relationship you actual wanted was a fantasy, and now you have to let that fantasy die. It’s sad, but it was going to happen someday.
So grieve the fantasy, grieve for the hope you had that he might be a better person than his behavior ever suggested, and cry out all the stupid things you did for him.
You went back and forth in this drama for years with him. It's understandable that you still have feelings about the situation. Frankly, I think you ought to pity the girl he is marrying more than anything else - any guy who would bounce between 2 girls for five years isn't likely to stop that kind of behavior just because of a wedding.
So go ahead and grieve, but don't pretend you want him back. The guy you wanted to be with was a fantasy - not who he really is. Who he really is kind of sucks.
You are right that this would be tough for your boyfriend to understand – but talk it out with a friend or two. It’s okay to admit that you are sad. It doesn’t mean you want him back. It’s okay for things to be more complicated than that.
In the end though, you have to be grateful - grateful for and end of that dramatic and deceptive era of your life. You don’t have to be hung up on him. Instead, you can use this as the moment to really let the door close on that chapter of your life, and to be free of it.
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The Question
So about a month ago my girlfriend admitted to me she might have made a huge mistake but didn't really recollect it. I've been dating my girlfriend for 3 months now and to be honest I'm beginning to fall madly in love with her. I found out that 3 months prior to me dating her ( keep in mind I was talking to her at the time and hooking up with her but we were not dating) she drank way too much alcohol and completely blacked out., woke up the next day in her own piss and puke and the last thing she remembered was being at a party (we attend the same college) and my roommate and friend were hitting on her hard. The next day she texted my "friend" what happened? He replied u got way too drunk we walked you home and you fell asleep. I immediately contacted the both of them to confront them what I've learned..trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. One denied anything happened including walking her home and the other didn’t pick up his phone.. So I realized someone's lying here. I called one of my other roommates up and he told me he meant to tell me about this months ago but couldn't. My one roommate who committed the act blacked out and admitted to my other roommate that this happened. My one roommate then told everyone we were friends with at school about what happened. So here everyone knew the whole time but no one had enough balls to tell me this happened (3 months they kept it from me) he told me that my other roommate who committed the act walked my drunk girlfriend to her room with my friend and she ripped her clothes off an one of them stuck they're penis in her mouth the other banged her in the bed. I told my girlfriend the bad news that I learned. Pissed off as all hell. She started to cry. She doesn't remember a thing besides walking with them and passing out and seeing them leave her room at her apartment. She didn’t say anything to me about it at the time because she wasn't sure herself it was like a blurry dream to her (which u could understand if you've ever been
blacked out on alcohol) she was balling her eyes out and admitted she had sex with my one "friend" in the threesome previously to this incident like a week or two before it but regrets that too she hated it and felt bad she did it to me behind my back...but lied to me when i first initially asked if she had sex with him.. she's always had alcohol problems. She'd black out all the time..one time I had sex with her for like an hour and she doesn't remember a thing. She's been in AA ten times.. Since this incident she quit drinking. Goes home on the weekend to work to pay for a car to use it to see me. She's doing a lot to prove to me she isn't a whore. She's changed. She didn't want that to happen to her. Etc..now the two kids involved with this are now telling my old roommates she wanted to do it etc. I don't know if they're lying and sayin that to clear their name ( they did lie to me when I asked if it even happened) or she really did ask to do it..regardless they are 24 and 22 years old and she's 19. You don't take advantage of a obviously hammered 19 year old like that especially when you consider me a "friend" and I was away that night for my cousins birthday. I'm obviously not friends with these scumbags anymore. But I'm having trouble getting over this incident that happened months before we were dating. It sucks. I feel betrayed by everyone, her, my friends everyone and I'm such a nice guy. She's doing a lot to prove to me she wants to make this up to me.I even questioned about having a MFF threesome with her to make up for it (which I don't know if that's a good idea) and she said no at first but gave into it because she doesn't want to lose me. She practically has no life now and works just for me to pay for her car by driving 2 hours to her hometown on the weekends to work. I don't know what to do. I see her side of the story but I don't want to be labeled a sucker by my friends for giving this "whore" to them a second chance. Even tho she isn't a whore. I feel betrayed by all of them as well. She lied to me and kept this from me so obviously I have trust issues now. And the worst part is I can't stop thinking about this. It kills me that I keep yelling at her for it bringing it up because I warned her something bad like this woulda happened if she didn't learn how to control her drinking. She has changed in front of my eyes so far and I'm proud of her (even losing 20 lbs) since this happened. She's turned her life around completely. I'm just having trouble getting over this especially when people keep reminding me of it..I feel like the world’s biggest sucker (everyone knew except for me) she didn't know either really but still she could have told me "maybe" it happened and that she had sex with my one friend a week prior to this incident.. I don't know what to do if I can't get over this I can't be with her I'm hoping time will help me heal and maybe even a threesome myself (even though hers was more of a rape..) I'm stuck in this dilemma on my last limb ..please help
The Answer
Your girlfriend didn't 'have a threesome', she was gang raped.
Taken advantage of doesn't cover it here and it was not 'more of a rape'. It was just rape. She was victimized by these two guys. There is no court in the land that wouldn't call this rape, or at least sexual assault. She was blackout drunk and unable to consent to sex.
It doesn't matter if she has had problems with drinking, or if she pulled her clothes off first - she was unable to consent. It doesn't matter what ANYONE DOES, not if they drink too much, not if they prance around in skimpy clothes, not if they walk home by themselves or live in a sketchy neighborhood. Nothing a person does means they deserve to be raped.
She was raped. She didn't deserve it. She didn't do anything to 'make it happen'. One in three women will be sexually assaulted or raped in their life span. We're not all out there begging for it. We are just living lives, going out and being human beings - the fact that being a women makes you a target for rape can be blamed on only one group of people: The Rapists.
If you can't learn to be respectful and sensible when dealing with the fallout of sexual violence - then you aren't able to be a respectful and loving partner to that 33% of women.
Having a MFF threesome is a HORRIBLE idea. You don't ask a sexual assault victim to make it up to her boyfriend with another sex act. That's horrifically misguided and very selfish and continues to imply that it was her fault she was raped. It is not okay to ask her to do something sexually for you, to make up for the fact that she a victim of rape. That's not much better than victimizing her all over again through emotional blackmail.
Which isn't to say I don't sympathize with you - it is very tough to be the partner of someone who was raped, but honestly, whether you stay with her or not, you need to put on your big boy pants and get the fuck over yourself.
I understand you may be embarrassed in front of your friends, but compare that to be raped and having the world blame you for being victimized by others. Compare that to carrying the label of whore for the rest of your life. Compare that to having your boyfriend holds you responsible for being raped and expects you to make it up to him in sexual favours.
Sure, you are hurting. She is hurting more, and will suffer for far, far longer than you will.
You can walk away from this situation. She never can.
You don't get to punish a woman because your trust was broken by your guy friends, or because you are embarrassed to be with a woman who was a victim of violence.
Being an adult means sometimes recognizing when society is being viciously cruel and unfair to your someone else and NOT joining in. You don't call her a whore (frankly, real men don't call any woman a whore, not even the ones who actually do money for sex) and you correct others who do.
Even if you can't be with her, at least be a decent human being and recognize she was the victim here. Stop blaming her for 'getting herself raped', that's not okay. Stop expecting her make it up to you, and stop letting what your friends say about her define how much respect you are willing to give her.
Maybe you can't or don't want to be with her. That's okay. Being hurt and embarrassed is also fine. Being angry is understandable. But a lot of what you are saying and thinking about this is NOT okay. You are engaging in forms of victim blaming.
She deserves exactly the same amount of respect today as she did before she was raped. If you can't give that to her, then you should end the relationship, and work on yourself until you can respect a person even if they have been the victim of sexual violence.
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The Question
18/f
I love the advice you give and I really need some help. I'm sorry if it's long.
Back when I was 14, I had a crush on this guy a couple years older. He's my best friends brother. We were good friends till I was 16. I was crazy about him. We eventually told each other how we felt. We never dated, because he was going to college in another state. We were really close, he was one of my greatest friends and then we started getting physical and so on. We talked on the phone all night and I was happy.
Eventually we weren't talking very much because he left and I assumed nothing was ever going to happen since I was in high school.
There was so much unnecessary drama.
He came back and it happened all over again.
But that was last year.
We're no longer friends. We got in a huge fight months ago and I realized I'm better off without him.
I'm dating now and I'm happy with this guy.
The problem is, I'm not over this guy in the past. I'm not thinking about him all the time but when I do, it kills me. I think of all the memories and it hurts.
I've been trying to get over him and maybe it just needs time but it's been a long time since anything has happened. I deleted his number, unfriended him on facebook and I'm with a guy who treats me right.
We were never dating, we messed around a few times and I realize that he never knew what he wanted and didn't care much for me after all that.
I normally feel like this at night when I'm just thinking. Only every once in awhile and it just really hurts.
Is there anything I can do?
Thanks so much.
The Answer
All you can really do is remind yourself the it's the relationships that only ever happen in your head that are the hardest to get over.
Let's be honest: You were never with this guy. You were close friends once, years ago, and he was probably one of the first people you got physically intimate with. That IS a big deal in your life.
But you don't know him. Not really. Not now.
The person he was when you were infatuated with him at 16 isn't him today - and it was probably only barely him back then too.
You aren't hung up on him. You are hung up on the idea you had of him at 16 years old.
That idea was awesome! But it was never realistic and it was never who he was. You were both going to grow and change and develop into the people you actually are - and you did that separately.
Go ahead and grieve for the friendship, for the relationship that never really happened, and for the idea you had of him once. Just remember that even though the friendship was real - the idea you had of him, and of your relationship with him, never really was.
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The Question
Long story short, my girlfriends brother doesn't like me. I don't like football, I like other things, like reading books, taking a walk, drawing...
He has taken it onto himself to dish out my girlfriends number to his drunken friends, who has for the last week or two called her pretty late at night.
He has been asked to stop his crap, but he goes on. I'm not going to beat him up, he is twice my size, he does plays football and I draw pictures. I did think of accidentally shooting him at a rifle range... but that's too drastic and I've watched CSI.
I'm beyond playing nice with this #$%^, I want revenge.
I have already considered posting his girlfriend in the classified adds, or posting him in the gay classifieds (I have no problem with gay people, my best friend is... Mr. Brother is a stereotypical jock, with bells and whistles attached).
I need some more ideas please!
FEED ME!
The Answer
In some states, putting him or his girlfriends information in a an adult classified ad would be a criminal act.
So no, you shouldn't do that.
More importantly - you shouldn't do a damn fucking thing unless you have the complete support and awareness of your girlfriend - or your risk loosing her.
My brothers can be bullies and I know it. Although they have never, ever done anything nearly so nasty as what you've described here, if my boyfriend took it on himself to get revenge on them, I'd dump him flat out. You don't mess with my family behind my back - no matter how badly they behave. That's not about 'playing nice' that's about having a basic level of respect of your girlfriend.
I'm not saying I think you should do anything (I don't think revenge works anywhere but in the movies, in real life it just ups the ante and prolongs the violence) but if you do anything, you better do it with the full awareness and acceptance of your girlfriend. Being deceptive on this matter will poison your relationship.
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The Question
What do you think of this poem? I tried to format
this better but could not because of the posting system here in this space provided.
________________________________________________
From My Terrace Down
Twilight's saffron haze reduced to memory
as light strengthens its spars over the horizon
silhouetted gossamer,woven upon ash wood and hedge
taut like strings on a violin
from my terrace down,
closely packed houses, roof tops
gnawing at the pith of the air, where starlings
wings stretch for sunshine through westward glints
their fluted voices carrying long phrases
tattooed to the wind, atop hills shaved from
peaks, like those only dreams dare to carve
from my terrace down,
factories and wind mills, fields nosing up
to ploughmen clad in turf bound silence
where moss munches on harvest salts
The Answer
All right, I am going to assume that you actually do want honest opinions .. So, if you don't want to examine or improve your poetry, you can pretty much just ignore me completely. I'm not going to praise you for sharing your special feelings. I'm going to tell you what works and what doesn't.
The most important question is this one:
What are you trying to communicate?
Your poem is filled with contradictions (which is not always a bad thing) but there are so many contradicting sensations and descriptions that I can’t see what the purpose of them is. You don't cut a clear path for your reader through the world you’ve created. It’s like being whupped over the head with a landscape painting.
I also can't follow what you are speaking about from line to line - is it the light that is silhouetted gossamer, or the memory? Is the gossamer taut, or the ash wood and hedge? Does this terrace overlook houses and yards, or hills and factories and fields? What sort of dreams carve what? Is there also a salt mine or ocean in this? Does it overlook ALL of these things? People don’t normally call them terraces when they are on the 30th floor… You may think I'm being deliberately obtuse, but the truth is that even less serious reader will have these ideas in their mind, and because they can’t find any of the answers at all they'll leave feeling disconnected and confused.
You’ve tried to guide a reader’s eye through such a massive landscape that they only come away with a few disjointed images and no idea of WHY those images were being crafted. Poetry's greatest gift is that it can turn a doorway or a teacup into a monument, and dissect very brief moments in new ways. It’s not meant to elusive or vague – it is meant to be specific in ways prose can’t be.
Throw out the thesaurus. You know how to write poetry. You can clearly craft words. You can create images. You are clearly well-read and have a strong vocabulary. You are ready to play with structure. Don't try to prove any of that. What you need now is to have something to say - it doesn't have to be an epic something, or even an important something - just something you want to communicate to others.
If you DON'T want to communicate to others through poetry. If you simply want to write for your own pleasure that is just fine! Lot of people do that. Hell - I do it, but it's important to recognize the difference between journaling, and writing only for your own pleasure and understanding, and sending something out into the world to connect with others.
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The Question
at my daughters schools from 6th -10th grade, in PE she attends the swim unit and boys and girls have
it together? Why is this allowed? Wouldn't this make girls feel uncomfortable
and give boys an opportunity to harass and humiliate girls? And cause
distractions and goofing off among everybdy? Not to mention young boys will be around girls shirtless which I think is inappropriate for young girls to be around of.
My daughter keeps saying she does not care but she is young and may not understand how wrong this is
this just seems wrong especially at school.You are at school to LEARN. Not to
goof off. Like it or not swimming is a class to workout and learn. Can't really
do that well with young boys and girls together. How can schools be so clueless?
can people really say honestly that young boys and girls will concentrate on swimming while they are around each other in bathing suits and not goof off? That boys (who arent known for sensitivity) won't use this opportunity to harass or tease girls? Seems kind of like a naive way of thinking to me
The Answer
You have asked this question at least seven times over the last two years.
You've received a lot of good advice and opinions. You've been told that this is not an abnormal practice and that being put into these situations is part of how young people learn to be respectful of others even in these situations. Your own daughter has told you she is perfectly comfortable in how these classes are being run.
If you, as her parent, still feel strongly about this, then take her out of the class. You have that power.
But for goodness sake, whatever you decide, DECIDE and then let it go. Either decide to allow your child to continue to participate, or decide to remove her from the class. Stop dragging this on and on, questioning her and antagonizing over it.
I can't imagine how stressful it must be to be in your home if you are willing to drag out this topic for years! How difficult it must be for your daughter that you are unable to make a decision and live with it. How difficult it must be for your family to watch you debate and struggle and torture yourself over something that isn't a big deal.
Either remove your daughter from the class, or don't.
Either way, make the choice and make your peace with that choice. Continuing on in this way is not kind to anyone, yourself included.
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The Question
after abortion now suffering in pus now what can do? Give me some advice And tretment if possible.
The Answer
You should call the clinic, call a doctor, or go to the ER right away.
There are different medical and surgical ways abortions can be done. What risks or complications you might face now depend entirely on what method was used.
Calling the clinic where you had your abortion is probably the best first step, but if your pain continues, don't delay, head to the ER.
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The Question
Okay so I am a girl, and I am a teenager. Alright so, my best friend ever has this boyfriend and she really loves him. The problem is she is in a huuuge fight with him and they wont talk at all. I was texting him and he said he is probably going to move to a different state with his brother. I don't know if I should tell my best friend or not, If I don't she may never know or when he tells her and she finds out I knew, she will hate me. But if I do tell her and he was gonna tell her I might ruin them making up and she will hate me..... or she will get all depressed because he didn't tell her or I don't know..... please help me
~someone who doesn't know what to do :/
The Answer
Unless her boyfriend is your very, very close friend, stop texting him entirely. That's where this problem is starting. He's using you as a conduit to her, and probably hoping you will tell her, since they are being selfish chicken shits who wont speak to each other.
Stay out of it.
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The Question
I was with this guy for 2 years and during the first 8 months, this guy I use to work with came into my life and made me have mixed emotions. I was torn between both of them, but I decided to stay with my boyfriend because I was scared to take a risk.
Well the last 8 months of my relationship, I was trying hard to find the other guy because I realized I made a mistake and I felt terrible about it. Well about a month ago I finally came into contact with him && I realized that I love him. I knew I did from the beginning, but I was so afraid of making the wrong decision that I just went with what I thought was right. This guy is beyond amazing. My previous relationship was very unhealthy in many ways, and he was there for me as a friend, and was very open and nice. He told me a few weeks ago that he still felt the same about me, but the problem is, he has a girlfriend of a year and a half. The roles are reversed. I guess its my karma? He found out a week ago that his girlfriend was 4 months pregnant. He of course wants to stay with her and help raise the child and doesn't want a broken family. Which I respect completely. He says everything is in God's hands. If we are meant to be together, it'll happen, if him and his girlfriend aren't meant to be together- than it will happen.
Well last night, we all went out downtown and had a blast. We got a hotel room and we cuddled, kissed, and enjoyed each others company. He told me he knew he was doing wrong but it felt right and he would have never done that with any other girl.
I know I'm wrong for my part in this, but I made the mistake in letting him go the first time, and I'm not sure if I should accept him as a friend only, or let him decide what happens within us.
EVERYONE- I mean, his friends, my friends, our families, ect keep saying that we will be together. They all see something that we haven't yet seen && they keep saying we are meant for each other and we would be great together.
I am willing to help take care of his child like it is my own. I know there is more at stake than just me and him; but idk what to do..?
What would you do?
The Answer
Back off. For your own good.
This guy just found out his long-term girlfriend is pregnant, then he took you out for a romantic night in a hotel room.
That's seriously shady business.
That's him doing something deeply deceptive and hurtful to the family he said he didn't want broken up. That is someone who does not have their head on straight.
Worse than that, it's him using you: His life just got really scary, and having an affair with you was an easy escape from his problems.
That's not an 'Opps! I kissed someone while drunk!" What he did was a calculated, thought-out and expensive deception.
This has "Going to end badly" written all over it. This is a guy who is willing to behave, really, really badly in order to get what he wants.
If this what happens when you 'let him decide what happens' then I'm not so sure it was a mistake to let this guy go the first time. He might be a good person in the end, but what you've described is a guy who is currently displaying horrible judgement.
Back off. Keep yourself safe from this guy's crazy.
Stay friends if you'd like, but take romance and sex off the table. If all he wants is a girl to fool around with in order to escape the stress of his life - he'll find someone else. If he isn't happy with his girlfriend - he'll break up with her. But if you keep supplying the girl on the side for him, he'll never need to face the reality of his situation, and you'll end up as the other woman until your affair also, eventually, becomes a source of stress for him.
At that point, you'll find that what he with you, he'll do to you.
If he is a good, stay the fuck away until he starts acting like one again.
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The Question
I babysit until midnight for this woman, so she can't drive me home. Her kids are in bed and they have school the next morning, so shed have to wake them up. So, she has one of her coworkers drive me home. He's really nice.. But, he's gay. I feel really uncomfortable about it. I sensed it the first time he drove me home, he said a house was pretty. And then I told him I liked country music and he said, So reba? I think she's country i know she has a tv show... And well I haven't ever heard a straight guy say anything like that! So I decided to facebook him and well it turns out he is in fact gay and in a relationship for 20 years with a man.... What should I do? I just feel so weird about this! The bible says homosexuality is a sin and I'm associating with someone who is choosing to live in sin with a man!
The Answer
Here are your options:
Either you accept the ride graciously, giving this man the respect he deserves as a human being,
Or you need to find your own way home,
Or you can quit your job.
Let's be honest: Both your employer and her coworker are being very kind and considerate to you. She could try and hire someone else, someone who doesn't need to rely on others to get to and from her house. She probably doesn't want to do that, but if you quit, I bet that's what she'll look for in another sitter: Someone within walking distance or public transit, or someone with a car.
It's understandable that you feel weird. If you haven't met many homosexuals before you haven't had a chance to recognize that they are just human beings like anyone else. You don't have to agree with their faith or life choices anymore than they need to agree with yours. You can still be respectful and pleasant to one another.
If you choose to be.
If you decide you can't be respectful and pleasant to someone who doesn't believe the exact same things that you do about God and sexuality, then you either need to arrange another way for yourself (because getting to and from your job is in fact, your responsibility, not your employers) or you need to quit.
EDIT in response to feedback:
The below, is not respectful:
"As long as he doesn't mention his lifestyle or his partner I will be able to grin and bear it."
Tolerating someone, only because they are doing something that benefits you personally, is not respect.
Bearing with someone's presence, only so long as they don't talk about themselves ('cause they are so sinful and evil by your personal judgement) is not respect.
Respect is acknowledging that good people will sometimes disagree, even about the interpretation of the Bible and God's will, and that you have no right to pass judgement. You might accept a certain interpretation of the bible as a moral correct but that doesn't make YOU personally a moral authority who gets to tell everyone else how to live - certainly not adults, who are doing you favors.
His partner is the man he loves, and has loved and shared his life with for 20 years. Pretending that man doesn't exist because it makes you uncomfortable - is not respect.
You don't get to determine that his life never comes up in conversation either - it might. You, the young person he is doing a favor for, would be very rude and very wrong, to assume you get to make that kind of demand of him.
If you cannot be polite in the case of a conversations about his personal life, then you should decline the rides, and not take the risk of putting yourself in a situation where you might behave really badly.
If you feel you can't be truly respectful of this person, then the proper thing to do, is to stay away from him until you learn how to actually respect those who disagree with you.
You need to aim higher and hold yourself to a higher standard of behavoir. Accepting this favor from him, while hoping he wont bring up a topic that promotes you to judgement or cruelty towards him and carrying such hatred and intolerance in your heart, is not respect and is not good enough.
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The Question
I'm an 18/f
The last three nights I've been having these dreams that include this guy that i was together with 3 years ago. We hooked up three months ago and i didn't mind it i didn't have feelings for him or anything ( i like him as a good friend). I'm totally confused about these dreams i never usually have dreams at all. The dreams have been getting more and more sexual.. I really would like to know why this is happening?
The Answer
It's happening because you are a human being with a functioning brain.
Dreams have never been proven to 'mean' anything is the prophetic or spiritual sense. Some scientists think dreams are just electrical brain impulses that pull random thoughts and imagery from our memories, and have no purpose or meaning at all.
Others think dreaming might be an important way our brain 'practices' responding to stimulus (like threats) or part of how our mind orders memories and emotions by processing them at night so they don't clutter up our daily activities.
So, you are just human. If you keep a dream diary you might find your most sexually charged dreams crop up at your most fertile time of month.
You also might want to take better care of yourself: If you usually don't recall your dreams, than stress or diet might have thrown off your sleep schedule and be contributing to more intense dreams now. Whenever the mind starts doing something a bit odd, the first thing to consider is how you can best take care of your body.
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The Question
im a 13 year old girl me and my best friend have been bffs since 4th grade and she knows that i say stupid things without thinking like alot but she still gets really mad like i kissed her boyfriend pissed off at me when it has happened so many times before she sohuld know that i dont mean it why is she still getting mad after all these years
The Answer
Maybe you should try not to say stupid things and kiss other people's boyfriends?
That's the kind of shit that pisses people off.
They don't get over it - They get tired of it.
And when they get tired of it, they'll probably stop being your friend.
"This is just the way I am" is not excuse for being selfish or cruel. If you value her friendship maybe it's time to work on being a more respectful and kind friend to her.
She doesn't owe it to you to be friends with you if you are treating her poorly.
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The Question
So is it just me or am I just me but my question is.. Is it disrespectful for your girlfriend to text and call other guys in front you an talk about your relationship problems with other people than to just talk to the other half?
The Answer
Sorry, you need to give some more context here before it's fair to label her behavoir as rude.
Everyone is entitled to have friends outside of their relationship - even friends of the opposite sex.
Everyone is entitled to discuss their relationships, their joys, troubles or fears, with other people.
Those actions don't equal disrespect, not by themselves.
If she ignoring you and spending more time on her phone than with you, then yes, that is disrespectful no matter who she is talking to you. If she is flirting openly with other guys, than yes, that is disrespectful. If she is insulting you or constantly complaining about you to others, then yes, that is disrespectful. But simply having other friends, even male, ones, who she shares her problems with and speaks too, is not disrespect. It's just being human.
There is a line you need you need to walk here between respecting her freedom to have friends, and to speak to them about personal issues (including relationship issues) and asking her to treat you respectfully when she does so.
So take a deep breath and consider what behaviors you are actually finding offensive - constantly taking calls or texts while out with you, or flirting with others - and asking her to stop those very specific actions, because asking her to stop speaking to other guys in general, or to not discuss your relationships with anyone else, are not fair expectations or demands.
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The Question
So my boyfriend(also the father of our 3 month old) and I have been having terrible problems ever since our daughter was born.
First, we fought all the time because he never wanted to spend any time with his daughter. He would much rather have been partying. -Let it be known that I am 21 and he is 22, almost 23.
THEN once we were starting to get over that, we got into it BIG time, because I found two thongs in his possession that weren't mine. He told me that he didn't even know he had them and that he didn't know who they even belonged to.
BUT THEN just a few minutes ago, I was on his laptop and found naked pics that he kept from girls that he was sleeping with. Why would he keep those? I feel completely disrespected. I told him to get rid of EVERYTHING that could get us into a fight like the thongs did and he said that he had nothing else.
I know that going through his laptop was wrong, but I hate thinking that the father of my child could be cheating on me. Should I tell him what I saw? Should I admit to looking at his laptop? Do I have a reason to be mad or am I just crazy?
He is at a friend's house tonight, or so he told me, and therefor wont be coming home tonight. Do I wait to tell him when he gets home? Or should I warn him with a text?
I would GREATLY appreciate any advice that you have. I'm not above begging :( PLEASE!
The Answer
Is this relationship working for you?
I'll be frank: Although I would prefer if my boyfriend not keep naked photos of his exes (mostly, because I would feel awful for those girls if he ever got hacked and their photos ended up online...) I wouldn't get too worked up if he wanted to keep them. Everyone has a past, and past loves and relationships. Not everything has to burned and thrown away when a relationship ends.
So, unless these photos were taken during your relationship or were taken without these women's consent, I think you are over-reacting to pictures he should be entitled to keep.
So, the more important question is:
Is this relationship working for you?
You are angry, resentful and distrustful. You snooped and invaded his privacy.
Even if he's not cheating - is this working? Is this a good enough deal for you? Is this a relationship you even want to try to fix?
Sure, you can have a nasty text exchange back and forth where you both get worked up and pissed off. Then you can flip out at him when he comes home for keeping these photos. I totally get you might feel very differently than I do about this subject and be legitimately upset. Then he can get all righteous and legitimately upset about you snooping through his computer. Then you can bring up the thongs and his obvious lies about those... and you both can go on and on like this for as long as you like.
Or, you can decide this relationship isn't working for you, and start the tough process of ending it.
I think the answer is probably simpler than you are ready to admit. Neither of you is behaving particularly well. This relationship probably isn't working for either of you. Dedicate yourself to being respectful co-parents, and go be better with other people.
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The Question
Well to start off.. I'm 19 years old and I'm a female. So a couple of years ago me and this guy who is a year younger than I am started to get to know eachother. I've never been one to fall easy for people and I did fall for him. HARD. As corny as this sounds (and I hate corny) I fell for him the first night we actually met. He was really into me as well and we continued talking. Eventually school started back for him and naturally.. Once he was back in contact with his ex he went back to her.. And the rest was history. He started shying away from me and i, not knowing what to do (I'd never been in that situation before) made the mistake of falling even harder and getting clingy towards him. It got to the point where (before i knew about his ex) decided to give up my morals for him bc in all honesty i would have given anything up for him. (And ive always been one to stand strong by my morals) so needless to say.. We took eachothers virginity.. After we already werent talking anymore but i starved the attention from him. It didnt take long before i told him it had to end bc i was getting too emotionally attached and if our relationship wasnt going to go any further than i couldn't keep hurting myself. I havent heard from him hardly at all since then and yet hes always stayed in the back of my mind and no matter how hard i pray about it.. The pain and thirst for him never goes away. I've tried to contact him since then to make peace and feel better about our confusing past relationship and he texts back and is really nice and then in the middle of the convo its like he purposely cuts me off to drive me crazy and it gets me so worked up and even more consumed by him! Is he doing this on purpose? Or does he genuinely not care? Or what! And what should i do since he won't be a man about the situation and face me?
The Answer
What do you want from him?
It IS hard to get over someone who you were never really 'with'. You get stuck in the honeymoon phase and stay infatuated with the person you think they are, without ever really meeting the person they actually are - warts and all.
So yes, this is particularly tough, but what is it exactly you think he's withholding from you? What is he 'not facing'?
You've opened the door a few times, and welcomed him back into your life and he hasn't walked through it. He's never invited you back into his life. He's responding out of politeness. He's stopping the conversation because he doesn't want to talk to you anymore.
You are torturing yourself.
You made a mistake with him and you regret it. You very wisely stepped away from him when you realized that he couldn't give you what you needed.
So, what do you want from him now?
Do you want to scream and cry at him?
Do you want to beg, or demand, that he love you?
What does he need to do to give you peace?
Most importantly: Do you think those are fair things to demand of him?
I don't.
Acting like a man doesn't mean letting every women you ever had sex with treat you like an emotional punching bag and drag you through her unhappiness and confusion whenever she needs too. Being a man means being respectful and polite to women - and you haven't told us he isn't doing that.
Face reality: He doesn't have the peace you are looking for. He's not keeping it from you.
You are denying yourself peace when you pretend he's the one who can give it to you.
So end the fantasy and stop looking for answers in the wrong place.
Delete his phone number. Unfriend him on Facebook. End this connection completely and go find the answers and peace you need, by yourself.
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The Question
so I have this gym teacher in high school who is young, (younger than 30 I think) really pretty and good looking and red headed, and she teaches physical education and Health and so we are doing the swimming unit and while in the pool she was walking around and she then said to me and some of my friends later when we were walking back to the locker room to change that she likes the swimming unit the most because she likes to look at all the male students without their shirts on in the water and it gives her lots to look at and she can see how fit they all are she hopes you work hard so they all look nice for her. While it is kind of surprising to me since I would assume a teacher would usually have more prudish thoughts, the actual comment doesn't bother me in the slightest , but if some kid who was around me decides to go cry about it, will she get in trouble?
just wanted to see some more opinions
The Answer
The answer to your question is a simple fact. It's not a matter of opinion.
Will she get in trouble?
YES this teacher would get in trouble for such comments.
How much trouble depends on the principal and the school boards policy. But yes, there will be some degree of trouble.
You might feel that the teacher shouldn't get in any trouble, and that's fine. I feel like groups of three or more people who walk side-by-side, slowly down narrow sidewalks should be kicked in the shins. What I feel doesn't change the fact that if I go around kicking strangers in the shins, I'm going to get in some trouble!
Is there a reason you are still thinking about this?
Do you know someone who wants to bring this comment to the attention of the school?
Are you confused about what to say to your friends or classmates who were made uncomfortable by the comments?
If there is a reason that you have been fixating on this comment all week, maybe you should ask for advice about what is going on, and how to handle it instead of asking 'Will she get in trouble?
Because the answer to "Will she get in trouble?" is yes, no matter how many times you ask, or how many opinions you seek.
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The Question
What do you think of online dating websites, and advice would you give out and say to people that want to find love online?.http://www.ashleymadison.com
The Answer
Why did you link to Ashley Madison?
I think online dating is a great opition for adults who are looking to meet new people. I think there is a ton of good advice out there are how to build your profile and stay sane while doing it.
I think it's important to be safe and respectful, and to be willing to actually meet people: Just talking to people online for weeks or months is not a productive or respectful use of anyone's time.
But Ashley Madison is not a dating website. It's a website for people who want to have affairs. The website is very clear about this: It's for people who want to cheat on their partner, and people who want to help other people cheat on their partner. That's not dating. That's having an affair.
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The Question
Would it be strange for me (a 22 year old woman) to date a 38 year old man? Have you ever dated someone 15-20 years older than you?
I did, when I was 18-19, I dated a 34 year old, and it did not work out because he was just looking for ''fun'' with a younger girl. It's not like I was looking for marriage right away. I just wanted someone who was serious enough to live with after about a year, and maybe have a long term relationship, and maybe get married. (He told me after 1 year that he never even saw us making it past 1 year, and broke up with me for another girl my age because I was "too serious" to presume that our relationship would turn into getting an apartment together.)(In fact, I found out he had dated girls as young as 15, 16 and 17 before me, which is illegal of course but I won't go into my opinions on that.)That guy was immature himself, a kid in a man's body who refused to grow up. He was a recovering meth AND heroin addict who was clean for 7 years BUT he did drink alcohol every day. He went to work, but he was doing the same job he did for 15 years and was content with not attempting to move up in the company.
Anyway, this 38 year old has 2 young children, elementary school age, and is divorced for 5 years and would like 1 more child and a new marriage. I've been dating him and I was wondering if he saw me as a kid or what? I mean, he told me about what he wanted. That could mean he could see me filling the position of being his wife in the future?
Honestly I would not normally date someone significantly older, like 45 and up. We would probably not have much in common and I would be wary of WHY they want a 22 year old at age 50. Duh. They want to feel young again and that means they want sex with someone young enough to be their daughter.
I want love. I want marriage in a year, or two, or five.
The Answer
It's not wrong. It's not even all that strange.
But lets cut the shit: It IS riskier than dating someone closer to your age, and it comes with a unique set of challenges.
It's riskier to date someone who is significantly older than you, has a drastically different life experience than you do, and because of those two factors, also is likely to have very different needs and expectations of what a relationship should be.
No matter how mature you are, no matter what your goals may be, you can't be almost 40, and he can' be in his early 20s. You are going to have communicate across that divide, and it's not a trivial one.
You are 22. You are just at the cusp of being an adult who is truly in charge of their own life.
Can you be his peer and his equal?
Can you make choices for yourself and the relationship with equal strength?
Is there a reason he finds your youth an attractive quality? Is it a reason that is respectful, or one that is problematic.
I dated guys in their 30s throughout my 20s. Some were lovely, and some weren't, but this much I learned: It's harder to spot a guy who behaving badly or disrespectfully when he's 10 or more years older than you. It's easier to weed out the assholes when they are 20. When they in their 30s, they've acquired new skills to mask bad behavoir towards their partner. Dating younger women can be a technique to avoid women their own age who will catch on to what they are doing much faster.
None of that mean you shouldn't date someone who is older, but it does mean you have to keep your eyes open for the particular risks and challenges that brings.
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