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How strange is it for a 21 year old woman to date a 38 year old man?
Would it be strange for me (a 22 year old woman) to date a 38 year old man? Have you ever dated someone 15-20 years older than you?
I did, when I was 18-19, I dated a 34 year old, and it did not work out because he was just looking for ''fun'' with a younger girl. It's not like I was looking for marriage right away. I just wanted someone who was serious enough to live with after about a year, and maybe have a long term relationship, and maybe get married. (He told me after 1 year that he never even saw us making it past 1 year, and broke up with me for another girl my age because I was "too serious" to presume that our relationship would turn into getting an apartment together.)(In fact, I found out he had dated girls as young as 15, 16 and 17 before me, which is illegal of course but I won't go into my opinions on that.)That guy was immature himself, a kid in a man's body who refused to grow up. He was a recovering meth AND heroin addict who was clean for 7 years BUT he did drink alcohol every day. He went to work, but he was doing the same job he did for 15 years and was content with not attempting to move up in the company.
Anyway, this 38 year old has 2 young children, elementary school age, and is divorced for 5 years and would like 1 more child and a new marriage. I've been dating him and I was wondering if he saw me as a kid or what? I mean, he told me about what he wanted. That could mean he could see me filling the position of being his wife in the future?
Honestly I would not normally date someone significantly older, like 45 and up. We would probably not have much in common and I would be wary of WHY they want a 22 year old at age 50. Duh. They want to feel young again and that means they want sex with someone young enough to be their daughter.
I want love. I want marriage in a year, or two, or five.
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I guess I don't see the problem. If he saw you as a kid, he wouldn't be wanting to date you. If he wants to be entertained by a kid, he's got 2 of them he can hang out with.
So the guy is older than you. Big deal. Do you like him? Is spending time with him a pleasure?
THAT is all that truly matters.
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It's not wrong. It's not even all that strange.
But lets cut the shit: It IS riskier than dating someone closer to your age, and it comes with a unique set of challenges.
It's riskier to date someone who is significantly older than you, has a drastically different life experience than you do, and because of those two factors, also is likely to have very different needs and expectations of what a relationship should be.
No matter how mature you are, no matter what your goals may be, you can't be almost 40, and he can' be in his early 20s. You are going to have communicate across that divide, and it's not a trivial one.
You are 22. You are just at the cusp of being an adult who is truly in charge of their own life.
Can you be his peer and his equal?
Can you make choices for yourself and the relationship with equal strength?
Is there a reason he finds your youth an attractive quality? Is it a reason that is respectful, or one that is problematic.
I dated guys in their 30s throughout my 20s. Some were lovely, and some weren't, but this much I learned: It's harder to spot a guy who behaving badly or disrespectfully when he's 10 or more years older than you. It's easier to weed out the assholes when they are 20. When they in their 30s, they've acquired new skills to mask bad behavoir towards their partner. Dating younger women can be a technique to avoid women their own age who will catch on to what they are doing much faster.
None of that mean you shouldn't date someone who is older, but it does mean you have to keep your eyes open for the particular risks and challenges that brings.
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It is not all that strange for you to be dating someone that age. Some people may view him as being someone close enough in age as to be your father and this chronologically speaking may be true. On the other hand you may be looking for someone who is old enough to offer you the type of love and security that someone your age cannot offer you.
At 21 you are as they and adult who is single and fancy free. You have free will to chose who you date, have a sex life if you chose to and who you marry and when.
When it comes to a love relationship that you hope will lead to marriage there are only two opinions that count; yours and his. I would advice that you look beyond the infatuation of the initial stage of love though.
If you are looking for someone who can offer you the security that an older man should be able to. That security comes with a bit of a price. In this case it comes with two children, to whom you will be a step-mother to and if they live with him you will help raise them.
At his point in life a night out will be more sedate. A nice dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe a movie afterwards and then home. If he is raising his children don't expect him to bring you home to spend the night until well after he has introduced you to his children and they are comfortable with having you in their lives.
If you two marry then vacations will most always be geared to age appropriate family vacations with the his children. Of course if you two have children you have to make sure that his children do not feel that you favor your biological child(ren) over them in anyway.
You will be missing a lot of things your friends may be doing by marrying guys there own age. Depending on their joint earnings ability they could be flying off to far flung corners of the world or doing things you wanted to do while you are here at home raising his children.
While there is nothing strange or inherently wrong by dating or even marrying someone this much older than you. I suggest you give a great deal of thought. Look at what you will bring to the marriage, what you will get from the marriage and what you will be missing by marring someone in this mans situation.
Once you have looked at this from all the different angles and if you decide this is what you want. Then I say go for it.
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