Dragonflymagic's advice column

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I am going into high school as a freshmen and I am currently 14 years in age (I am a female). Over the past few months, there is a guy I will call Sam. He and I have been flirting a lot and he recently asked me out, and I said yes. I realize that I have liked him for a while; but, I have also liked another person named Philip or an even longer amount of time.

Philip and I have really gotten to know each other for the past 2 years because we always talk in band class. I recently learned from a friend that he has had a crush on me for about a year (which really gave me hope). I have done so much for Philip, but then I believe he moved on from me and started to date a girl; their relationship did not work out because they never talked and she did I not even like him back, they broke up after one week exactly.

Now I am kind of in the same situation. When Sam asked me out, I did not know what to feel or say. I knew that if I said yes, I would not be able to go for Philip and I would be making a mistake; but at the same time, I knew that I would be making the right choice. I realized that at the time Sam and I had a real chance together, so I said yes.

Sam and I constantly talked for hours every single day. He has done so much for me and he is even working on composing a piece of music for me to play on my instrument. I feel horrible and I feel like I do not deserve him after he has really shown his selflessness. We have been together for only about 2 weeks now and I am starting to realize that I do not want to be with him as his girlfriend.

He told me that he actually loved me and he asked me if I felt the same way. I did not want to hurt his feelings so I told him that I loved him as well. I feel like if I break up with him, he might hurt himself physically. He has been suicidal for a while and he always has cut marks on his arm. I keep trying to talk him out of it but he told me that it is not that easy, and I should understand that because I was suicial myself.

He wrote me a song that explained how he did not cut himself as much when I came into his life. After he told me that he loved me, he told me that he tried to end his life again the night before, for reasons that he has not yet explained to me, but he said that it was not my fault. Every time I hangout with him or talk to him ove the phone, I fell uncomfortable and awkward.

Every time we hangout, I and hoping that someone else will be there so that I can feel more comfortable. I find that I have to keep sending hearts and act like I love him as a lover. I feel like I make big decisions and am happy with it until I really think about; I then realize that I might have made a huge mistake. For some reason, I cannot get over Philip.

And once again I feel like we still have a chance. I feel like I want to be honest with him, but I do not want to start a lot of drama between multiple people. I feel so trapped and I cannot sleep anymore, I don’t know what to do. I like Sam and he is such a great person and all and I do like him. He has been nothing but good to me and my mood keeps changing.

I sometimes think that I really really like him, like a lot; but then the other times I really do not want to be in a romantic relationship with him. I feel like I was confusing our friendship at the time with a possible romantic interest. It was completely my fault because I was the one to start flirting with him.

If I do break up with him, how am I supposed to do it? And I know that I should wait a bit after our break up before I go for Philip. They are close friends so I feel like it might be very hard, but I feel like we still have a great chance and I know that I will be happy with Philip. I am so sorry if I keep repeating myself but I need your help.

Sams depression and suicidal feelings are something that makes dating him not really a possibility. You are forcing it with him, pretending because of fear a break up will make him kill himself. Let me tell you that you can continue doing this pretense, and he still kills himself. And his parents find out that you knew. Not only would they be hurting because you did not tell a grown up but you'd feel guilt that maybe they wouldn't have to be without their son if you had just told a school counselor and then you'd have the guilt that you didnt tell anyone because you thought not telling was better for him. If he is determined to kill himself or so depressed that its easy for him, then having you as a girlfriend will not stop him. Pretending to like him is not right. It doesn't help him and it stresses you out. So I will say now that you need to tell a school counselor and let them decide what to do. Anyone who says not to tell and finds out you did will be upset and may want nothing to do with you but those attitudes come out of anger and a messed up person who is not whole and sound.

Now a bit about a whole person. A person who is not whole will depend on their partner/bf-gf to complete them. Its one thing for each person to have a bad day and have a partner whose spirits are up t hat day to help cheer up their partner. But if it is a daily affliction of whatever that is negative whether depression, too self conscious, lack of confidence, anger problems, trust issues, control issues, etc....

The person who is struggling will lean on their partner. A partners role is to be their support and encouragement, encouraging them to get help, and supporting them through the process. If the afflicted person in a couple, does not get help, it will eventually kill the relationship as well as be a big unhealthy stress on the partner, something you already know too well. Now lets say a commited couple who are married and in love come up against a problem later in life, the husband get depressed and his wife is supportive in the right way, not covering up and pretending he doesn't have issues but saying, Honey you really need to see a counselor. I will go with you. I want to see you healthy. ONly thing is, you can't force an adult to seek help. They have to want that on their own. The difference here is that Same is not yet an adult. This means it is his parents decision or that of the state if his parents refused to get him help but he does not have the choice to not get help. My eldest daughter confided in her mid twenties that she suffered depression and had in HS. She was good at hiding it because that was one of the things I was always looking for signs of as well as drug use, etc... I wish someone had told me so that I could have gotten her help back then. I still wish that and feel bad I was left out, unable to help my daughter. If I were Sams mom, I'd want to know and I'd be very upset with anyone who knew but said nothing until it was too late.
So you know what you have to do. If you chicken out, Write a note and deliver it the the school office addressing it to a counselor. You can say someone handed it to you to turn in as they wanted to remain anonymous and you don't know the person. But someone needs to know asap.

You liked the Sam without the depression. But he can't be that right now. Maybe you will date him later after he is better, maybe not. But this is not healthy for you either. You will run yourself into the ground. You simply tell him to tell his parents and get help and maybe you can date again after he is whole and healthy again.o+

Now this kind of thing of dating and liking two guys at once can and will happen again in life. It's just one of those things you need to realize can happen and know how to handle it. Heck when I was your age and older, I didn't know. Most of what I tell you soon, I learned as an adult. There are specific reasons for dating and I hope it will make things for clear for you. SO I will paste in that document first. Here it is, the point to dating:

The point to dating

At your point in age, the object is not to practice longevity of relationship, sticking together long term even if its not a perfect dating relationship. The object is not to prove to yourself or others that you can stick with someone long term...that comes in later years after you have a clue what kind of person you want to end up life long with.

Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in the other that would harm you emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up.

Dating is more about learning what you do and don't like in a guys character and the same for him. Its a time of making comparisons. Seeing what is lacking in a current partner that you would like to have, or something that they do, or ways they treat you that are disrespectful or hurtful emotionally or physically as in being abusive or violent. When you come up against things like that, you need to decide if you will settle for less or move on to the next dating partner, hopefully always shooting for someone a step better in some area. Make a list of the qualities you like and remind yourself with another list of the qualities you dont like or must avoid because they are harmful to your well being. Review it and update it often through out the years.

If you break up, you look for the next dating partner, always trying to find someone a step better than the last partner, basing your choices for the new person on traits you discovered in the last person that you liked enough to look for in the next person, while at the same time avoiding the other things that you won't tolerate.
If all is going well and you develop some serious feelings for each other, you take the relationship from just dating to the committed couple level. At this level, depending on your age, you are dating each other exclusively or if adults, moving in together or getting married.
If you find you keep having the same issues, no matter which guy you date, either you never learned from the past relationship, or perhaps more of the issues are with you and you need to be honest with yourself as to what issues you need to work on within yourself before you can make a good dating partner. I can't begin to stress how helpful having a list of what I liked and wanted and needed in a guy was to me in finding my 2nd husband. It should work just as well at any age, including high school dating too.

I know this is kinda long but I am hoping to help you out now with info for the future in HS and rest of your life. So the next document I will paste in is one about making lists to compare between guys, even hang out with them, like dating, at the same time until you have narrowed down to one you'd like to concentrate on. Even that one may not end up the one you are with for life but it's about learning along the way with any dating you do and enjoying it as well. Right now you are not enjoying anything. So as my husband says, 'if you're not having fun, you're doing it wrong' and in your case, I'd have to agree. So now I paste in info on how to come up with criteria. YOu will update your lists over and over as you learn more. These are sacred to you, don't lose them. YOu WILL need these lists even more when you are ready to choose a man who will make a good husband and a good father.

How to find Mr. Right or Ms Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.