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hi, I'm the mentally unstable girl that sees no hope in a future that you replied to about a month ago. I want to get better. I want to become a person I'm proud of. I want to be able to make decisions and know that they're coming from the right intentions. I feel like there's so little left of me to fix? This sounds really stupid but I don't see anyone recognizable in the mirror? It's like I'm always trying to sew up pieces of other people to make myself a person. I'm just so lost. I do things for boys to prove that yes! I'm not like my mother! i can have a love life and not be manipulative and vindictive!
I just want to be in control. I don't have my license yet but i keep taking the car out so i can feel the security of controlling the car by myself. I've gotten high twice and probably more times to come. Some of my friends don't care some are really judgmental.
i don't know how to be happy on my own. i feel like every single thing thats defined me the past 16 years of my life has been taken away. every time i talk to someone its like were speaking through avatars. Me tiptoeing around all the lies and personas and my friends through theirs.
its not bad every day. Theres days even sometimes even a week when I'm okay. it just doesn't last for longer than that.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hello again Hon.
Thank you for letting me know that you do want to get better.
I'll work with things you wrote in order as you wrote them so I don't get lost. LOL
(I feel like there's so little left of me to fix)
It's not what we look like on the outside that needs change to improvement but our character and such, the things inside of us. Looking back, as a teen, I was only starting to really develop and discover who I was inside. Somethings like loving anything to do with art, and loving time in the garden are two things that I liked as a younger child and has stuck with me. I am still like that. However, many different people may like art as teens or grown ups and still be vastly different more each other. I know plenty of people who like things I do and yet they are nothing at all like me. Really, in our teen years, we are only just starting to discover the parts inside that make up who we are. So I believe that rather than there being little left of you, that there is very little that has been unburied yet. Oh, its all there inside, but like a seed buried in the ground, you can't see it, only later we see the young plant that emerges from the soil. So it's more that you have not seen yet.
(This sounds really stupid but I don't see anyone recognizable in the mirror)
No, it's not stupid. Perhaps kids your age might say so but it's very discriptive and helpful, using things like analogys, that compare one thing with another to give more clarity.
Now heres where I have to be careful as it could be two different things happening here. If seeing yourself feels like you are looking at another person rather than yourself, it might have a medical reason. There is such a thing as:
Depersonalization or derealization disorder which happens when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. So it doesn't have to be like that every day but more often than not and it is a real disorder and will require a specialist to work with you. I suspect it is more about retraining the brain and how it thinks than medication based. If it is, do not feel that there is something wrong with you or that you should just be able to stop doing this without changing anything. Now I share quick about myself to make a comparison: From a young age, I had social anxiety. Back then it was called being shy but I know it was way more than that. I suffered it all through school until last year of HS. I followed an easy program of retraining my thoughts and doing things differently, stuff that was terrifying to me. I would be terrified to smile or just say hello to someone for fear they would start up a conversation and I was terrified of those too. Basically, all the worries and fear teens usually have, I had too. Pretty much all teens go through only some have it worse than others and I suppose we could say that about me and you. I am now the most out going and confident person compared to what I used to be like. I know its not the same thing you suffer from, just saying that its possible for some things to improve without medication.
Other than the medical reason, I can only think that girls tend to be critical of their own looks in the mirror and not happy with what they see and not like themselves based only on that reflection. Then I say, what of the days before mirrors were invented? People did not know what they looked like and the best they could do is the wavy reflection in water. Who we are is way more than what we see on the outside.
In fact, all our lives, until about age 30, we will be directed and molded by parents into what they think we should be, what society expects of us, and even what our friends and neighbors and extended relative think we should be. We have expectations put on us, people trying to change us and it isn't until way out of our teen angst years, by going through our 20s that we realize that we are tired of being someone that others expect us to be and we are finally ready to drop the parts that don't fit who we want to be and we make those changes that help us become the individual we can say, this is who I am and be okay with it. It's our starting point from where we improve and mature as we go through life. SO there is a small chance that mixed with the regular teen angst you have that is normal, perhaps you are questioning who you are, don't know who you are because until now, you have been going along with everything that others expect and told you that you are.
This next part (It's like I'm always trying to sew up pieces of other people to make myself a person) I was able to understand with two different meanings. SO I will mention both. In other words, feeling like you are always fixing other people is what you feel defines you as a person, like the only thing that gives you purpose or value in life. That is one way to look at it and actually, there are people, who know that they are living a life of service, of always helping others in some way, but it doesn't define them totally as a person, is nothing to be scared of being and is only a part of who they are in total.
Now the other interpretation of what you said would mean that you see things in other people that you like. So you are trying to take all these parts and make them create your personality. This would be like wanting to be self assured like Tina, a sense of humor like Shelly, the kindness and thoughtfulness of Brenda, etc. It reminds me of the Frankenstein movie of the mad doctor using body parts sewn together to create a person. IN much the same way, you feel you are trying to sew parts together from others, things you like to create your personality. If this is what you are doing, first, I have to say it is really normal and comes in handy if you do it in trying to find a boyfriend and a mate in the future.
Seeing a trait you like in another person and knowing you don't have it, or not sure what you have, then its a good thing to try and see if it feels right to you. I remember one example from my teen years. It seemed the sarcastic girls got more attention so I began doing the same, being sarcastic. But it didn't feel right. I wasn't comfortable with treating others like try. I realized I was more geared to be a peace maker and encourager not one to tear others down sarcastically or even pretending to in fun...cus it wasn't fun for me and made me feel horrible inside so I stopped. You are still at an age where you are going to need to try a lot of things to discover what feels right to you. I can't tell you what is right for you but hopefully my one example of me, will give you an idea how to proceed. You aren't the only one going through this, a better part of your grade in school is all going thru the same stuff. Its just that they are better at hiding it or faking it. I know this because last summer at a HS reunion, I was shocked to learn how those I thought was confident outgoing people still are not. They were just good at faking it. If we had not been too scared to share how we were feeling or what we struggled with back then, we might have discovered plenty of others like ourselves. I even noticed people who seemed to have regressed and gone from social butterfly to wallflower. I was the only one going up to all individuals or small groups and saying hi to everyone and starting conversation. I pretty much talked with 2/3's of those there.
I did not understand the following (I do things for boys to prove that yes) I can't imagine what you are trying to prove to them. Are the boys requiring you to do certain things for them? If you ever get this line "If you love me, prove it by being willing to have sex with me," that line is effective only because all teen girls have angst and concerns that they may never be loved so they fall for it. That line is so older, older than probably your great grandparents time and generations before. Males have been using it because it works so well for them but they have no intent on loving the girl and having a relationship, they are in lust, not love, and want a girl for booty call instead. Sorry if this doesn't apply but it does fall under an interpretation of what you said.
(I just want to be in control) Would that be 100% of the time or 90% or maybe just half the time, or only when you want to be? I have to ask because when people drink til drunk or take pot til high or other drugs, your mind is no longer in full control. In this state, it is too easy to say and do things you would normally not do otherwise. You get to decide or try both ways yourself, sober and not. I am sharing this since you said there are more such times to come. Heres an example: I know people who are too shy to ask someone something but when they drink or take drugs til high, they gain a false sense of security and only then they can do things without being afraid. I knew people who couldn't stand up and ask someone to dance until they were drunk. It is much better to learn to gain a self confidence that is there without aid of mind altering things...that is only a band aid to the problem, not the cure. I am not against drinking or recreational pot but we can tend to over do it if we don't feel whole as a person without. NOw enough of that.
(I don't have my license yet but i keep taking the car out so i can feel the security of controlling the car by myself.) While I understand how you have found an activity in which you can feel totally in control, and wanting control is a normal want, the particular thing you've chosen or that you find works for you, driving without an license is something that I know you know can get you into trouble. Maybe you dont hit anyone but someone else hits you. So it is discovered you drove without a license. You need to decide if taking that risk is worth the control you feel. Isn't there anything else you can do that will help you feel control but isn't against the law? Maybe there isn't yet anything else you have discovered. But as soon as you find it, I suggest you drop the driving until you are licensed. Hopefully you will drop doing it sooner than later.
( Some of my friends don't care some are really judgmental) I've already stated that most teens are in the same boat with most the same issues that trouble them and not caring and being judgemental are some of them. Its an age where we act and say before we think so just about anything can be done or said that can't be taken back and erased. Once said or done, its out there as a part of history. There is a scientific reason that so many struggle as teens, treating others unkindly and making bad decisions. This will help you understand why you see this in others at this age.
Its called the pre-frontal cortex of your brain, its up front, behind your forehead. For some reason, it takes this part of the brain a longer time to mature and be fully done growing than anything else. YOur body matures and is done long before this part of the brain which in most people takes until the mid twenties to be finally complete and can take til closer to 30 for a few. So this is like getting a 2nd hand bike that is totally complete except for brakes. If you ride that bike when there is no way of stopping it, you will run into all sorts of trouble and get seriously hurt. SO it is with the cortex not being complete, it's like having impaired judgement, and why so many teens act like this. Girls can be worse because some can still be reacting emotionally to the hormones of puberty at this age with being easy to irritate or anger or being too sad and weepy. Not talking about depression, more like seeing a sad movie and you are crying about it still the next couple days when ever you think about it. Bad decision making, is not being able to guess or see the potential domino effect of tipping over the first standing domino. Of course, they will all tip over, one by one. But like deciding, I had only one drink or one puff of pot, I am not impaired and then driving and having a near miss accident and not being able to connect that even if you had some control, it was impaired and slowed your responses so you barely missed hitting someone or avoiding someone. That's what I am talking about.
So you will continue to see issues with your peer group for quite some time as our brains aren't fully done growing until 25 or so. So even in college, there is still problems. Many are a little better with each year that goes by and that's how I was, fairly mature by 18, but of course lacking life experience and that is when it becomes important to use people we trust older than us as sounding boards, bounce our thoughts and ideas off of, getting another perspective as you have already done by writing in here. So there never really is a point in life where you totally don't need help from others. Wish I had someone to talk to back then about marrying the guy I did at age 20. My parents grew up in war time Germany and immigrated to US. They in many ways had no idea about things like this and could not be of help. HOwever,it didn't even dawn on me to ask and that i blame a not fully done pre frontal cortex. The thing is, what ever isn't working, what ever decisions or mistakes we make, learn from them but don't decide to give up and remain stuck. Mistakes are okay as long as we learn something from them.
Maybe you could write me a list of what you claim to be every single thing that defined who you are but has been taken away. If it was once there, it still is, it may be buried and not active due to events in life. My example is a person who is now distrustful. They used to not be like that and were very trusting until they had two bfs in a row cheat on them. Now they are distrusting. The ability to be trustful is still there, just buried inside and needs to be reactivated but there are steps to complete before you can get there. Most of it is knowledge based for me. SO if I didn't trust someone for how they treated me in the past, instead of never trusting future guys for the same reason, I studied about personality traits, mental health issues and disabilities, and how to recognize the tell tale signs of problems in a person, problems I want to avoid. I know what I am talking about because my first husband was verbally abusive, and got worse as he got older. After many years of that, I had learned all the subtle signs of what a person like that was like. So when I started dating again after a divorce, I wasn't scared or distrustful. But I was alert and watching closely, not blowing signs out of proportion the first one I saw but gave guys a chance to repeat the action that was a trait of that particular problem I wanted to avoid. So after doing it a second time, then I quit seeing them.
If you feel like you are tip toeing through lies and false people, its most likely because like I said, all these teens have some issues, no self confidence, immature prefrontal cortex, and so on.
The best thing I can say is to not overdo anything you are trying to refind yourself. If you see a trait in someone you like, where they are so giving and selfless, then work on say, just that one thing for a while until you either decide it's not part of you or it becomes more than a habit, but feels comfortable and right as a part of you, then work on the next thing. So using the trait of being giving and selfless, a good choice might be finding a church in the area that offers meals to the elderly and homeless in the area once a week. I happen to do that with my husband. Its a way of giving, its easy and you meet other people who are just as kind and giving and its a stretch only because the people are not all your age. I see occasionally younger people come in and help. Last week, a mom brought her two daughters about age 9-11 and they were given an age appropriate task and were actually helpful. A young man of 18, 19 has been there about once a month to help. Food is collected from stores right before pull date and fresh foods once they don't look as perfect. So there is much to do in sorting out like bad strawberries for example, washing and cutting up the rest as one ingredient in a fruit salad. You don't have to do this, but sometimes, just talking to someone older, saying what your personal goal is and wanting to find things you can try that will bring it out in you is very helpful. If you feel that most of what I said that you can do is not possible because its more of the medical reason, the disability, then talk to the school nurse or counselor. If Mom is anything like what you say, she may not care enough if she is overrun with simply trying to figure out her life still let alone be aware of and helpful to others. So its best to get others to know you need help and let them direct you how to get that help. They may try to contact your parents but if nothing happens there, let them know the parents are not getting you in to see a doctor and they will make sure that you do get the help you need. This is why there are counselors at school. If you talk to a counselor or are assigned to one where you just don't click or they seem to not care, ask to see someone else or talk to the school nurse. I hope that what ever is the source of your issues, that they are worked out and you can be happy in life again. I would be glad to hear from you again. Just go to my column and write to me from there.
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