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is swinging good or is it wrong?
hi, how good is swinging? is it only for a couple who are in a relationship or anybody can do it? why is it if my ex boyfriend is asking me if we both could go swinging with the other couple? I have reminded him you're my ex boyfriend and we're not even a couple but instead he says it's just a sex. we're still in good term and we're still friends as we both were before we dated for a few months as he knows I'm single still and he's not. he says it's something to spice up and I know you'll love it because you're an extremely sexual girl. please can anyone explain why is he saying all this? we do love each other and he does say he will love me and think of me forever and I love him too. what did he mean by 'sexual'??? going to swinging as a couple good or bad for an exes? just thinking would he asked all this if he still didn't have any feelings for me or am I wrong? why these thinking and all these questions? he's 30 and I'm 28. please help!
thank you. I appreciate all the answers
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Adviceman nailed it with the things that brought up red flags.
For a while when still with ex husband, I attended a swing club. So did my current husband with his ex wife. We do not swing at all now.
But I can tell you that swinging is all about sex, not the rest of the relationship. ONce in a while, as a couple, we found other couples we'd swapped with who liked our personalities and wanted to spend other non sexual events doing things together, attending a play, going hiking, out to dinner, play pool or darts to name a few of the things we'd done. IT is still a far cry from a real extra relationship, just the sex to hold it together. But a very tiny percent of people found they didn't just lust sexually for and admire some personality traits, but actually ended up in love with more than one. This is called Polyamory. You know how there is always a certain amount of friction between two people who love each other, even in a great relationship. Its these frictions that cause us to choose the easy path of dropping to our baser actions and responses or challenging us to learn and grow to become a better person. Swinging or poly will bring these out in you more so than just one relationship.
About couples vs singles, It sounds like he either found a club that requires couples married or not to keep the amount of both sexes attending at an equal number so no one is left out or he found a couple who do not go find their own partners but must swap with another couple. People go either way. So if he has some gf now, she's probably not open to this or he doesn't dare ask, so he feels he needs a partner to do swinging. However whether attending an actual club site or going by swinger sites on the internet, single men and women are not excluded. If he wanted a differnet female every night, he could find the ones who only want sex with him but not a relationship.
And yes, I have heard the line umpteen times about how swinging spices up your sex life. Haha...its very misleading because the majority of people going have troubles in the relationship they already have so the leaders of the club said at every attendance, this is not the place to come to fix your marriage or relationship. A dating couple have not gotten to the point of commitment to each other, trust, and loving support that would be required if the both decided to attend.
If a single guy wanted to attend any particular night, the front desk would put his name on a list and he was not allowed to attending until an equal number of single females signed up.
At his age, if he is still into experiencing sex with as many girls as he can get, he has no clue what he wants or needs in a female partner. By age 30, most of us reach a defining point in our lives and we change and become who we want to be, not what others expected of us or tried to force and mold us to be. And most likely, what you see at this age is what you get for the rest of the persons life. Yes there are improvements on the good traits. But the weakness too will grow. A relationship requires two things to be solid, being each others best friend and committed to that friend forever, and being each others sexual equal meaning same libido, both want as often or as little as the other and not opposite wants and the pheremone connection there. I had 30 years of marriage and going to swing clubs with a man I was sexually mismatched with. So instead of the swinging breaking us up as the main reason couples doing this split up. I learned even from casual sex partners that I had never seen my husbands eyes light with desire for me, he didn't have as great a desire for sex and told me I was frigid. For me, it was a learning experience, nothing more, and once I had learned that it was not only that he not treating me as decent as friend all our life but I indeed was with the wrong man sexually, I took that info, divorced him and set off to find a man who was right for me and used what I had learned and the sexual self confidence I now had to know there was nothing wrong with me and plenty men might want me for sex, and I looked for a man where I had that but also my very best friend and lover. I do have that know. Dating couples is very rare and certainly never heard of exes going. There is no reason for you to pretend you and he are a couple to get sex girl. If thats all you want, you can do better than attending one and feeling like a slab of steak at the meat counter that guys are salivating over. I suggest you not attend and possibly reconsider what the qualities of a trustworthy true friend are because your male friend is not trust worthy, considering cheating on current girlfriend and so desperate for sex but not wanting to give more to a woman to have a relationship. Living together doesn't make you a couple or mean there is a full relationship. its what happens and how they interact and treat each other when under the same roof or out in public that matter. Sex is just the icing on the cake, a way to express how much in love you are. Otherwise, all it is , is a way to scratch a sexual itch if horny. Yup, did that too while searching for my new husband. I didn't like going too long without sex. But a female who enjoys sex often, doesnt need to do swinging to get it, just has to find her sexual equal in a monogamous man and both want to marry and make that kind of committment to each other
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The red flag for me is this sentence you wrote. "I'm single still and he's not." Does this mean he is married or in a relationship. What matters is he wants to have sex with you while in a committed relationship with someone else. That is wrong with this situation.
The second red flag is this sentence; "he says it's just a sex." He sees you as a friend with benefits. Someone just to have sex with so he can explore a fantasy or just some kinky sex he cannot get from his current partner. He does not love you and I'm not sure he even lusts for you.
what did he mean by 'sexual'??? This is something I can only give a generic answer to as I do not know you and this statement different by individual it is directed to. To me it means a girl that is sexy in nature meaning she is open top new thing in the bedroom.
My advice is you tell your ex to find someone else. There is nothing wrong with swinging for those in a committed relationship and both parties are willing. If either party is not 100% in agreement to swing then you don't try for it will break up these couples who commit just to satisfy the other.
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