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When should you stop dating two people and choose one?
I've gone on two dates with two different guys and I like them both a lot. I've also been talking daily to both for around 2 weeks now. I could see myself dating either of them, but I also realize it's too early to decide that. I honestly haven't found a flaw in either guy though.
We're all in our early 20's if that changes anything.
Is it okay that I continue dating both of them? I know it seems silly because I would assume you should stop dating one if the other asks you to be their girlfriend and you accept, but in the past I've had guys tell me I led them on when I was also dating somebody else, despite not having made a commitment to one or the other.
What is the general rule on this?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
OOo, goody, I can answer this as I have done this, dating several guys at the same time. Of course I was divorced and in my forties with more life experience. Heres what I did. Before even dating guys, I took what I learned of what I did not want and made a list of the opposite traits of what I was looking for in 'Mr. Right'. Your list will differ from mine. Lets say a gal was raised by a mean alcoholic father. So she needs a man in control of his emotions, doesn't raise his voice, talks things out instead of reacting in anger. That is very valid and a must have on her list. There needs to be a list of 'Must haves', the things which if they are missing, then thats a deal breaker for you and that guy is no longer considered. Secondly, there is a list you make of wants. Must haves are true Needs, but now a want for me was wanting a guy with long hair, or a well shaped totally shaven head but no bald with the ring of hair, that turns me off. I will paste in the whole lesson for you.
Now assume you have your list all ready. Put it on your computer to keep reviewing and changing, oh yes, changing as you date and it occurs to you that something else is more relevant than you thought and has to be on it. Have these points on a note in your purse.
I had an ex husband who was verbally abusive. There are certain traits in a person like that will show up in their behavior regardless if they are chewing you out at the moment. So when I began dating, one thing I found is that people, cus women do it too, are always on their best behavior and put forth a persona they believe will help them win the other person. At this age, men always had learned that all they needed to do was get a female the change to develop feelings for him and then she would put up with all sorts of crap cus she thought she loved him. I already had lived that so little did they know. When on a third date where the guy cooked me dinner, when I showed up, he must have relaxed and taken down his guard, thinking I fell for him because he apologized for his home being a mess. It was actually very neat. He called his maid by racial slurs and went on for a couple minutes saying awful things about someone I never met. This told me that he was a perfectionist that would always find fault in me but he likely would be verbally abusive eventually with me too. So I ate the dinner but after he called the next time said I gave it a good try but didn't feel any chemistry. I was on a dating site where I posted a list of criteria a guy had to meet to even be considered by me. Sometimes, I'd have to go over this at a first meet up. Always met first time at a coffee shop so there wasn't much expense put into just meeting.
So can you date two guys at once? Yes. I found that men were okay with this as long as I was up front the first time or early on with each guy and told him I was looking for the guy who would be my mate for long term or rest of my life and I was not going to make a commitment to date them exclusively until I decided between them. I'd have to say the greater majority of men are okay with and understand because this is something that males tend to do naturaly without thinking anything is wrong about it. However they leave out the part that they are dating others too. Then it is also important to know if they are looking for a girlfriend just for now, no future plans of life time commitment and having kids with just one, but wanting only a social companion and sex partner for now. And actually, there is nothing wrong if a person decides thats what they want for their entire life. Make sure that what each guy wants is the same as what you want to date for. If you haven't told them yet, now is the time to say something and if you want, you can tell them you got this advice from an older woman who has done the same but that honesty is needed. Therefore, being asked to be a girlfriend is at this stage being asked to be his sole social companion, this is not a commitment to spend an entire future with you because he asked you out or asked you to be his girlfriend. This is where women assume too much by every action a guy takes. All he wants if he is looking for someone exclusive for commitment or for short term is to find out if he likes the gal enough. He also doesn't have this list of instructions I will be giving you. Most guys in telling about themselves would tell where they at tended school, where they work, where they live and if they own a pet or not. Those kinds of things while information, do nothing to inform you of who he is deep down inside, his beliefs, what he stands for, his character and personality.
So if you are not afraid to be an open book and share everything about him so he can sooner make a choice, thats good. I told guys concisely about who I was in a nut shell, and also told them what I was expecting to find in a guy. I told them if at any point he realized he wasn't that guy or I wasn't what he wanted, then he was free to end it and go his own way and I would hold no hard feelings. If a female can come across as its okay for him to say anything like that and she won't overreact or become emotional, then they are comfortable and more likely to be themselves even sooner which is what you want.
You will still come across a man or two who gets mad that you won't commit to just him right now. Theres a reason for it. A man who is insecure of his standing among other men usually is for a reason, a great character flaw or two or more. Insecurity will make them too possessive and jealous and in extreme cases, they become very controlling of the female. So if a man protests when you tell him that you will be dating a few guys until you get to know each well enough to decide which one to choose, then tell him you've changed your mind and he is no longer in the running. Find a nice way like saying you don't feel chemistry. Then you won't have angry rejected men harassing you with mean calls. I had one guy do that, two hate filled messages left on my phone after I even used the chemistry thing.
No man will think you are leading them on if you clarify in the beginning. Well, maybe a very immmature guy your age might say so. If you want to take the time to correct him nicely, its up to you, if they are open to listening. You could say, I am not leading you on. I have gotten advice from older women, or you could say some things you've read, and dating to gather information to narrow down your choices to the one man you want to date to learn more in depth about. The commitment is only to learn if he is still the one you want but you could learn things in the future that you won't compromise on and things you will not tolerate and if so, you will let a guy know. This can happen even after living with someone you are positive is the right person but how they act at home versus in public with you may be two very different things and you don't like the one at home. Don't think you can change a person. YOu can only affect change in yourself. If watching you isn't enough for a person to choose to change and be more like you, then they won;t change because of you. Find a guy who is everything on your Needs/must have list up front or he is out of the picture. I am sure you will have situations come up where you want to get my opinion. What you asked on here is the realm where so many little details can pop up that are just as important but I may not cover. So at any time, write me and I will give you my opinion or advice. I know it may sound like too technical a way to go, but some of those pay for dating sites do apply a very technical scientific way of going after finding a mate. The free ones are overwrought with men who don't want to work hard at being a good man for the lady or just looking for booty call. Yep, I got lots of those too.
So if you accepted to be the girlfriend of one, you might want to tell him you need to discuss that and tell him you haven't decided on him, you're simply a girl and a friend and that's the only kind of girl friend you are, you are not committing at this point and it may be better if he simply calls you a female friend.
So heres the instructions of how to create these lists and if this gives you questions, again, write me from my column and I'll help you out.
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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