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Stupid for staying and not sure how to leave...
At this point in my relationship, I pretty much figured out my significant other is never going to change and probably does not care about me at all. Unfortunately we just moved in together signed a 14 month lease, i'd have to move back in with my parents which would be hard. And can't afford to break the lease. But i can't do this anymore, honestly i barely want to have intimate moments with me because he makes me feel like shit all the time, he is angry all the time. Literally every conversation with him is an argument to him where he feels like he is always right and has to win even if we are discussing our opinions. It's always his way and at this point I feel like he doesn't need me in the relationship, he just needs someone to control and i'm tired of it. Is it worth it when the person is constantly trying to cheat or has possibly cheated and talks to you like shit all the time? I feel so dumb, and after yesterday where he pretty much said nothing you ever do is right, i realized he is pushing me into falling out of love with him and it's working. So i guess my question is should i just abandon ship and deal with the financial burden of it or just grin and bear till the lease is up?
Love,
25 and Stuck
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Don't let what happened Dragonflymagic happen to you. To stay in this relationship is worse than any financial hardship you might experience then not moving out. Advise the landlord you are no longer cohabiting and the apartment is all his. Do it before he does it to you.
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I've been there and done that. For me, it was after a divorce and the new boyfriend rented a place with me. I was in my forties. Well, the ex was just as you describe your bf. Pretty much nothing you can do is good enough. I always said I was damned if I do and damned if I don't which means, its a no win situation, no matter what you do. Then the bf started acting like this too. He demanded I do as he wanted and when I refused, He got real angry and drunk and then he never showed back up. I called the landlord and said I hadn't heard from the bf, had he heard anything. He said, that yes, the guy said he was pulling out and its all mine. I couldn't afford to pay the next months rent on my own and tried to find a roomate but couldn't. So I was forced to lose the place and have it go on my financial record. Sometimes, things like this you can't avoid.
Don't be hard on yourself. Sometimes we just can't imagine that the other person truly has so many bad issues so we mentally make up excuses like oh, he had a bad day, or his boss dumped on him or someone dinged his car. I did that. Its something that abused women tend to do. Even if its just verbal crap directed at you and for a short period of time that you've experienced it. Thing is, you've woken up a lot sooner than I did.
I will tell you that the kind of stress you get from being mistreated verbally has to go somewhere. So from experience I can tell you it either goes to affect you mentally, or physically as an outlet. For me, I maintained my mental health but my physical health went to sh#*.
I had every stress related issue one could get like stomach ulcers, migraines sometimes and headaches daily, body rashes, etc... and I knew I wouldn't last long before I got something more serious like cancer or heart issues which also can be stress caused.But I was in my forties when I left my ex. I did discover from a new couple we made friends with that he had mental issues and needed to see a psychologist. The guy used to be a counselor in the army and told us he needed help. Of course, to this day, he still doesn't think he has anything wrong with him. Many people with mental illness of some sort can function pretty well in society so its never caught but when at home and they can let their guard down, they usually dump on their loved ones or even by text and phone. So for your own health, and well being, I would agree you need to leave.
As you have already discovered, any love or feeling you had for him is gone. So that part is easy. I had it explained to me as each person having a love account (like a bank account) in their heart. Their significant other can not make only withdrawals and fail to put in any deposits or the account will go empty and thats when you no longer feel the love. A withdrawal would be something he wants you to do for him. A deposit would be all sorts of things like words of affirmation, kind words, verbal support, compliments, doing special tasks you could do yourself like getting you a fresh cup of coffee so you don't have to go into the kitchen, taking time to really listen and comfort you and of course, not just saying he loves you but showing it by puttting you first in lovemaking and making sure you've already had some orgasms before he even allows himself to have that too. All of this shows a woman how much she is loved, not when its done one or twice but consistently. If he isn't doing something like those things on a daily basis, then no wonder you feel as you do. He created that problem, not you. So don't feel bad that you no longer have feelings and dont enjoy sex.
As much as you don't want to move back in with the parents, I think if its your only choice of a place to go, its better than staying. I understand not wanting the black mark on your history of failing to hold to a lease. That will make it harder to get the next place unless you end up moving in with someone you know and trust who already has a place and is willing to take you on as a roommate. My daughter wanted her independence so badly that one she turned 18, she wanted to get into her own place, away from the parents, and we were not problem parents. SHe was already attending a different church than us and asked there if she could rent a room from someone. An elderly lady said she had a room and the daughter moved in. It was cheap and was extra money for a lady on soc sec. After about nine months of that, she moved into an apt with a couple girlfriends. I don't know if you have a church you attend, but thats a good place to ask for help. In my case, I could not pass a review for a place of my own but I met the man who is now my 2nd husband who lived with a teen daughter and I moved in with him. My name was not on the lease but I was listed as one of the people now living there. It may be that you would have to do something like that to get into a place, someone who already carries a lease, you pay the friend your part and they pay the monthly rent. It may be hard to find a friend wanting a roommate, so you may need to look at ads for people looking for a roommate and check out their history on line before you jump into that, or look for ads where people are renting bedrooms out in their home for college students. My husband and I tried to do that but hardly anyone takes on a couple, and prefer college age or young singles. Be careful though. The elderly home owners will need the help to pay their mortgage and keep their home so be up front and honest and tell them why you cant have them check your background as a renter because you had to get out of a bad situation. I am sure any sane person will understand the circumstances which brought you to stepping out of a rental contract. Dont worry about the bf. He either pays it all or gets a new room mate or cant pay the rent and ends up out of there. He's likely the type of person to be out of control angry with you and may want revenge. I'd change my phone number for one thing and let the parents know to not talk to him or reveal anything about you, whether you are staying with them or elsewhere. In time, he most likely will get over it but that could take a year or so. I left my ex and he got over his anger in about a year but he still wasn't ready to cooperate in getting the actual divorce even though I had been gone for years. It took him 5 yrs to be ready to divorce and he asked me then.
Find people if not your parents that are older and wiser who know you well enough so you are comfortable talking to them for any sorts of issues that may come up so you have them as a sounding board to also get advice or perhaps they have knowledge of the particular problem and can steer you to proper help. In all this, dont be embarrassed. When I was desperate to get out, I talked to every female I worked with to find out if anyone would take me in, a basement rec room or whatever for tiny rent payment as I had to live on my own paycheck then and its hard these days but was hard then too. I had to humble myself and share why I was asking and so desperate. IN the process, learned 3 other women had been in my spot too at some point in their past. Do whatever you have to dear, but get out of there. A person like that is one you cant predict whether they'd ever add in physical abuse to the verbal ones but very often, the point comes when they will or it may never happen. I was married 30 yrs when I left and for about 2 years, he's been getting pushy as far as shoving me out of his path and I always caught my balance but there where times where I could have been hurt.
Oh, I will add this one thing, it may not be the reason behind your bf acting like this as he may not even know why he does or care why. But a professional talked to my ex and I went with and discovered something about his past. As a child, he overheard a doctor telling his dad that his mom might not recover from an illness which put her in the hospital. She recovered but the ex as a child held on to those feelings, of fear that he would be abandoned by his mom, a female. ANd when he got to dating age, since he had very distorted, unhealthy thinking and possibly mental health issues back then, he started to treat each girlfriend in ways to prove his statement in his mind that all women would eventually leave him and abandon him. It was due to being a church going person and the church frowning upon divorce that I didn't leave earlier. Otherwise, I'd have left sooner too. He still hasn't learned, 10 yrs later, and I've seen him go through several relationships of 2 or 3 yrs. Each one is eventually driven away from him because he is doing what your bf does, trying to prove a point about women in some way. It is very illogical thinking for you and I, who have a sane mind but for those with mental health issues, they feel their belief is valid and their thinking is correct. So when a female doesn't leave a man like that, he will do what ever he has to do to self fulfill that crazy idea lurking in the back of his mind. My ex is mid 60s now and doing the same old thing, avoiding any mental health Drs and never changed. The Dr. told me that he might change a little, enough to make our marriage tolerable but most people never change fully in their lifetime. He would have to really apply himself to get better. But I overheard him tell a friend he was visiting a Dr. only long enough to fool me into staying with him. So he wasn't commited because he still felt he wasn't the one with problems and that all of it was my fault. You can't win at all by staying. And the lease shouldn't be even considered as a reason to stay. 14 months more of torture? If it were me, I don't think I'd stay. I wish you the best dear.
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