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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I am a 25 year old female who is still a virgin and I have been dating this guy for about 4 months now and he is 26 years old and the other other day he asked me how I felt about having sex with him and I told him I would but I said I think you need to know that i am still a virgin and then as soon as I told him that he said he didn't think it would be a good idea after all and I asked him why was that ? He said he didn't want me to regret losing my virginity and wanted me to keep it as long as I could so then I explained to him that I have done everything else I just haven't gone all the way yet so he said I still want you to wait to make sure it's what you want to do . I told him I was sure that I wanted him to be my first he said I know you say that but what about after you lose your virginity ? what's the big deal ? why won't he let me go all the way when I really want to ? I mean I know he explained it to me but I have never had a guy tell me before that they didn't want to fool around. why is he different from the others? Thanks for all your help in advance everybody .
The Answer
He's just wigged out by female virginity.
This doesn't mean he's not into you, and it also doesn't mean he's a sweet respectful, keeper who you should be sooo very impressed by.
All it means is that he, just like you, has been told from birth by the entire culture around him that a woman's virginity is super duper magically special. He's been told women fall hopelessly in love with the first guy they have sex with, that they never forget their first, and perhaps he's even heard some even more extreme myths that come of the the cult of female purity.
That doesn't make him unique - many guys respond in this way to female virginity.
But it's not a sign of respect. Not at all. Frankly, it's a bit disrespectful. It's disrespectful of your boyfriend to listen to the culture and the myths, rather than you, his girlfriend, who is telling him what she wants and how she feels.
The best way to convince your boyfriend is to simply ask him to listen to you when it comes to your virginity, and not to the culture and myths.
It's understandable for him to be effected by those myths and those cultural beliefs, but he needs to listen to you when to comes to your virginity, and trust what you say about your choices. Trying to 'take care of you' or 'make you wait for your own good' is deeply, deeply offensive behaviour. Of course he doesn't mean it that way, but that is the trap he is falling into - where it is the man's job to protect the woman from sex because women cannot be trusted to make decisions about their own body - and he needs to climb the hell out of it and treat you like his equal. Even if you don't have equal sexual experience, you still have just as much right and ability to make choices for yourself.
It's okay for him to have fears about sleeping with someone who is a virgin, but he needs to own those fears himself, not talk about it like it's all for your sake, after you've clearly told him you are comfortable and ready.
Tell him to trust you and respect you. It's okay for him to have fears, and it's okay for him to need time himself, but it's not okay for him act like he gets to make choices for you, protect you from yourself, or not listen and trust you when you speak.
By all means, have him read what I've written here. I'm sure he's a good guy who is really trying to care for you in the best way he can, and of course he's not obligated to have sex with you if he's uncomfortable, but he needs to recognize that some of the things he's been told all his life are just 'being good to a woman or taking care of a woman' are actually just 'not trusting a woman's judgement about her own life', and the women in his life deserve his trust.
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The Question
I was texting my boyfriend last night and I asked him why he hadn't been talking to me much. He downright told me that he wasn't sexually attracted to me because of my weight. What should I do? Should I break up with him?
The Answer
Yeah, probably should dump him.
If you are also unhappy with your weight, and it's something you want to change, then maybe it's worth talking to him about how totally wrong he was to address in this way.
But frankly, I wouldn't bother. At best, he's an immature ass, at worse he's a controlling, manipulative monster. Either way, you don't need to waste your time with him.
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The Question
Hey. I'm kinda worried about my mum because I was standing next to her and she told me she suddenly couldn't see me standing next to her because her sight was just black. She just can't see the sides. Everything else is fine. :(
Has someone experienced this before? Thanks!
The Answer
Your mother should go to the emergency room.
Loss of vision, even just partially, could mean many, many different things. None of us are doctors, we'd just be guessing, and some of those guesses might scare you.
So don't panic, just pack up and head to the ER. Far better to be safe than sorry with a sudden loss of vision.
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The Question
I'll try to keep this short. About 2 years ago, I discovered my boyfriend putting pictures of girls faces on pornstar's bodies. The pictures were taken off of facebook. Not only did he do this, but he had countless folders of these girls stored away. Some, were his ex's. Others, were girls he had crushes on in the past.
They all live in the same town as I do, and while I was going to a local breakfast shop I saw one of the girls he had done this to. The girls don't know about the pictures, I haven't exactly told too many people. It wasn't her fault, I know that, but I felt my heart sink as soon as I saw her. I felt the same pain I had felt when I found out about all of the pictures, and I fear that this thing that happened will haunt me for forever.
Yes, I am still with the man who did this, because I have been trying to put the past behind me after he has assured me that he truly feels terrible for what he has done.
What also worries me is that I recently read an article about a man who devoted a whole website to actions much similar to what my boyfriend had done. He photoshopped pictures of girl's faces onto porn stars' bodies , as well. This man pushed the envelope further by falsely accusing the women to be whores, and planted the blame on them.(basically, he denied ever photoshopping the pictures. this was because the website was a forum, and people would degrade the women in the pictures) Eventually, so the article says, the man was forced to stop by the police, that this was a form of harassment, and he could get sent to jail if he didn't stop (sorry for the lack of detail)
However the point is that my boyfriend had thought to do this same degrading, terrible thing that this man was getting in trouble for, deeply disturbs me. The only difference is in my boyfriends point of viewm it was for his pleasure..
Still, it gives me a strange perspective.
I just don't know how to cope with this post-anxiety that seems to always creep up on me at random times, and I honestly feel emotionally mind-f*cked, to say the least.
I don't know where to go from here, since it's already been so long of a time. He seems to still really love and care for me, but I just can't shake the fact that there is a "what if" to it all. I also think that this type of behavior is abnormal and I am with someone who is always hiding something, or has a wall up.
Overall, I'm really just asking advice for my own sanity. What would be the best solution for me? How do I get out of this loop of insecurity?
Thank you
The Answer
I think you should go to therapy - together - and address this.
This was clearly never really handled in your relationship, and while, yes, your boyfriend did not post these pictures and harass these women, he did create images that are potential very harmful to these women. That is very, very different that simply fantasizing about women.
Most of the naked photos of women on those offensive websites that make fun of them, are photos that were retrieved from their private emails or phones. Once those sorts of images exist, they can never truly be made to not exist. For that reason, what your boyfriend did was extremely, extremely irresponsible and disrespectful. If those photos did fall into the wrong hands, your boyfriend would certainly be morally responsible, if not legally responsible, for the pain and embarrassment forced on these women.
Fantasies and pornography may certainly be normal, but what your boyfriend did was not engaging with fantasy or porn in anything close to an acceptable or responsible way. His interest in these women or in porn isn't deviant, but that fact his better judgement didn't inform him that this was NOT an acceptable way to act on that interest is genuinely concerning, and for that reason, your insecurity is not just understandable - it's justifiable.
Frankly, I would never have stayed with a man who felt this was appropriate behaviour - I'd simply consider him too stupid to date if he couldn't figure out on his own that this was not okay to do.
If you need more reassurance that he understands his mistakes, and wont make them again, I think that's fair. For the sake of getting that reassurance in the most mutually respectful and productive way, it's a conversation that will be the most effective if you have a professional counsellor moderate it.
Your boyfriend probably never even thought of doing anything so horrible as the men who have made and run those 'revenge porn' websites, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to address your anxiety - he does. You've lost trust because he did something phenomenally stupid, and you aren't going to be able to rebuild that until you both have a better understanding of what happened and what it did to your relationship.
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The Question
I believe I mentioned that she is always happy to see me. People act as if I said she is threatened and scared when she sees me
The Answer
She doesn't know what is going through your head or what behaviours of yours are leading to these 'chance encounters'.
We do, because you told us what you are thinking about, and what you have been doing.
It's good she's happy to see you - it means she is probably unaware of the extent of your behaviours, your thoughts or your feelings for her. Or else, she is just trying to be polite despite her suspicions that you have an unhealthy attachment to her.
That fact that she does not yet know that you have an unhealthy obsession with her is great - it means if you stop now, you wont have frightened or threatened her - at least not much.
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The Question
i am going to get marry in next month. i took small dose of antipsychotic because excess anxiety distracts me during stress (as prescribed by psychiatrist). i am normal for the past 1 year except for little bit of anxiety. i didnt enclose about my medication to my would be. she was deeply in love with me.she is a doctor.how can i take medicine without knowledge of my would be in future
The Answer
You need to tell your wife.
You can't keep this secret. She will find out sooner or later.
You need to have an honest conversation with her about this. If she is a doctor, she will be in a good position to understand and support you.
You can't lie to her. That would be a horrible idea, and a breach of trust. Tell her the truth.
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The Question
I met a guy (35 years old) at a function a few nights ago...I'm 29 and female. We hit it off and talked for around two hours, and he asked for my number. The conversation went well, he seemed really interested in me, and since he just moved into the city, I said I could show him around the neighborhoods. At the end of the night, as we said bye, he said we'd hang out but he didn't seem entirely genuine--he actually seemed a little awkward. I said something like "yeah, let's hang out sometime. I'll show you around the neighborhoods." And he left at that--a little rushed because we were basically the last people there. I haven't heard from him, and I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe I came across as eager, and should have just let him go without reminding him we should hang out? I guess what I'm meaning to ask is, did I come across as too available and eager? The whole thrill of the chase thing annoys me to no end, but with some men, it's the way things go...
The Answer
You are way over analyzing this.
He just moved to a new place, and it's the holidays. He's likely quite busy, maybe even out of town, and may fairly assume you are too.
I doubt you came across as too available or eager, but you do need to relax a bit. If you have his number, you might try inviting him along to your New Years plans to meet more local people. Other than that tho, I'd simply relax until the new year. Late December is hardly the time of year to expect someone to be free for a first date.
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The Question
Are wrong. I am not trying to get with her. But I still like talking to her and seeing her. I am not going to get with an engaged woman. People are purposefully misinterpreting my question so I have no choice but to ask it again reworded
The Answer
Usually, if people are misunderstanding you over and over again, that is a sign that you are the one with the problem, not everyone else.
Everyone is interpreting your questions this way because you clearly have an unhealthy romantic obsession with this women. It's not because they are trying to purposefully be mean to you - it's because no matter how you try to phrase what you are doing and thinking, it's obvious to others that you have a problem.
It's great that you are not actually trying to interfere with her relationship and engagement, but it's not unfair of your readers to assume you are - your question doesn't present you as a person who understands boundaries and respect. You are showing up at her work and her classes, inventing reasons to see her, and now, worst of all, you are imagining that her physical behaviour towards you might 'mean' something.
That's the stuff of crazy town no matter how you word it, and people recognize that behaviour and thinking no matter what words you use. "Rewording" what you are doing and thinking isn't going to help much, because it's the behaviour and thoughts that are the problem, not the way you talking about them.
It doesn't seem like you can grasp the error of your own ways here, so I'd strongly recommend you talk to a therapist or counsellor about your thoughts and behaviours. What you are doing here isn't reasonable, or respectful, or even normal. You are obsessing to a degree that may very well be harmful to you, and is almost certainly going to cause problems if you don't stop.
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The Question
there is this tutor I work with in the tutoring lab in college. She's great and a wonderful person to be around with. She is about 28 and I am 22 and she is engaged,
One thing I forgot to mention before is that I noticed about her is that she was very touchy feely. , like patting me on the back or shoulder.
My class ended a few months ago but I saw her around campus when I was going to meet up with a friend recently and chatted with her
now I find myself going out of my way to that location just so I can hopefully see her and talk to her again. Last week I went and sat there for about half an hour (I had nothing else to do though so I wasn't skipping anything) I just get this extremely good feeling when talking to her or seeing her. Is this creepy?
someone responded this
"You better watch what you're doing or you could end up on the wrong side of her boyfriend and that could result in you with a sore face.
"
But this makes no sense, if her boyfriend came after me and attacked me for no reason that would be assault and I can probably press charges
I recently ran into this girl again. She was in the math lab, I went in and started chatting to her and she seemed happy to see me and happy to chat. I get this extremely good feeling whenever I see her or talk to her. I can't explain it
why would she be touchy feely?
The Answer
You have asked this question far, far too many times for any reasonable observer to think that what you are doing is normal or healthy.
Zane is absolutely right. You've been given an abudance of advice telling you this is not okay.
Has it crossed the line to stalking or harassment - perhaps not yet - but you are clearly, and obviously, headed in that direction.
Stop looking for excuses to make this okay. It doesn't matter why she is 'touchy feely'. It could just be the way she is. It could be that that is how she is handling the anxiety of an uncomfortable encounter with you. It could also be you are just imagining it as you desperately try to make up reasons why what you are doing is okay (it's not).
You are clearly not trying to be her friend in any healthy or respectful way - you are following her because you are romantically obsessed with her.
She's engaged. Your reasons for behaving the way you are are deeply disrespectful. Stop fixating on labels like 'creepy' and 'stalking'. What you are doing is disrespectful and wrong. Put a stop to it now.
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The Question
Have no problem with a 24 year old woman being around 15 year old boys. I see a problem with a 24 year old being around 15 year old boys who are half naked.
If it was my daughter and a young male teacher teaching the swim class I would likely feel the same
The Answer
Great. So ALL young adults, men and women, are incapable of being professional teachers, and are nothing but sexual predators who can't control themselves around young people in swimsuits?
Sorry, you are still wrong and being totally unreasonable. People who sexually prey on young people come in all ages - there is ZERO reason to suspect a younger teacher is more likely to sexualize teenagers, and you are still making a horrific and discriminatory judgement against this particular teacher. Stop it.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, living together for 1 year. He previously was married 17 years to a woman who embezzeled money from his business and cheated on him twice.He has a daughter by this ex. Here's my point...all our friends are getting married to others with less time in their relationships. I love this man and im totally committed to this relationship. Im 7 years older than he, I have children of my own but they are grown and married. I accepted that this relationship was a pkg deal with his daughter. He says he loves me, wants to grow old with me and doesn't want another person in his life but he says he doesn't want to marry cause all marriages end in divorce and he doesn't like the idea for the state to get involved. He asked "Can we just marry before God and make our vows without getting the state involved? I'll do this for you right now!" So...we did. Is he wanting to commit without a marriage license? Im trying to understand this...help.
The Answer
There are two very different kinds of marriage.
There is the sacrament, or the religious ritual and beliefs about marriage, and then there is marriage under the law.
Most people want both. They want the ritual before God, and they want the protections and entitlements that the state gives to married individuals. Some people don't want God to have a damn thing to do with their marriage, and simply get married in law, and some people, albeit a minority of people, don't want want the state to have anything to do with their marriage, and simply get married in a religious ceremony.
You'll need to talk to your boyfriend a great deal more about this, about what aspects of marriage he values and which he doesn't. If he had a past wife who committed finical crimes, it's understandable that he may have a dim view of the way the state recognizes married - since the state may have held him finically responsible for her behaviour in some ways.
If he takes his faith very seriously, then perhaps a religious marriage is, in his mind, as much a commitment as any kind of marriage, but you'll need to speak to him a great deal more to understand, and appreciate his position.
If there is something about a marriage in law that is particularly important to you (it does give you some rights and protections that are not afforded by a simple religious marriage) then it might be good to express to him exactly what your concerns are, and what you value about a marriage under secular law.
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The Question
The concerns I have are not just the teachers she but she is that young and teaching a swimming class where the boys in the class will not only be in swimsuits in front of girls but also this young teacher. This seems wrong.
The Answer
You think, because she is young and female, that she is sexual threat to your son.
That is that is the very definition of discrimination on the basis of age and gender.
You have given no reason to believe she is anything other than a professional, skilled teacher. The ONLY reason you have given for making such a HORRIBLE judgement of her as to think that she would sexualize her students, is her age, and her gender - two things she cannot change. That is sexism and that is ageism. You are discriminating against her!
There is just as much (if not, actually, statistically far more) risk that any other people, of other genders or age, might have sexual or predatory thoughts about your son, as there is risk that she would.
You have presented ZERO reasons to suspect such a horrible thing of her, except your own bias against her age and her gender.
You are utterly and completely in the wrong here to judge this teacher in this way, for those reasons.
Are you sexually attracted to teenage boys? Are you incapable of being around a bunch of 15 year old boys without thinking sexual thoughts about them? I certainly have no problem. I'm not attracted to young teens and I wasn't at 24 either. Why do you assume such a horrible thing as that this women would sexualize her encounters with her students?
Most people are good people. You have no reason to assume she is an evil, sexual predator. Stop doing that. I can't stress strongly enough what a horrible thing it is for you to be accusing her of this - even just in your own mind. You have offered absolutely zero justification to think such a horrific thing of another human being.
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The Question
at my son's and daughter's school they have swimming in PE from 8th grade to at least 10th grade in high school and the boys and girls have it together. I though this was bad enough. Wouldn't this make people feel uncomfortable? And cause distractions and goofing off among everybody? Not to mention young boys will be around with no shirts on which I think is inappropriate for young girls to be around of. My son has some stretch marks and now he has to stand half naked in front of all those girls and this will give them a chance to humiliate or tease him.
but now I find out that the teacher is also a young female that is probably about 23 or 24. I remember meeting her because she taught his health class as well. I do not feel comfortable with my son having a teacher that young and a person that young being in charge of a class that includes young boys 15-16 years old in swimming costumes.
My son keeps saying he does not care, but he is young and may not realize how wrong this is.
should I take some type of action
The Answer
You should not take any action.
You have no valid reasons to do so.
You probably have the right to remove your son from this class, but you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't pull him out of the class.
I do understand your anxiety about the swimming class, but judging someone who is a professional to be unqualified ONLY because of their age (and gender) is discrimination, and it's ugly.
I am not a teacher, but I've worked with teachers most of my career and I'll tell you this: There are 20 year old 4 foot tall women who can command a classroom of teenagers without breaking a sweat, and there are 6 foot, 45 year old guys who can't. A person's age, gender, height, have no baring on whether or not they are skilled teacher. Some of the most skilled teachers I've met are the ones who are not able to physically intimidate or demand respect based on age - they have to earn their students respect the hard way, by being constantly worthy of it and demanding it - and that makes them better at.
Frankly, a younger teacher, more recently trained and more aware of bullying and how to end it, might actually be better skilled than an older teacher at keeping order and civility in a swimming class. They will have had more focus on those skills in their training.
You might not see much a difference between a 24 year old and teenager, but the 24 year does, and so do the teenagers. Clearly, so do the professionals and school authorities who choose to hire this women.
You have a right, as a parent, to express your concerns to the school staff (no matter how irrational or discriminatory those concerns might be). So if you feel the need to do that, go right ahead. If you speak to the principal with an open mind, you might even find yourself reassured about this teacher's credentials and skills.
But If your son has no concerns, then stop causing him anxiety with your own biases and discrimination against this women. He's fifteen years old, he deserves a bit of respect for his own opinion about the classes he is taking. If you pull him out against his will, you'll be setting an example that discrimination is okay, and that younger adults can't work hard, and perform well at the jobs they have been trained to do. Don't set that kind of horrible example for your son. He'll think less of your for it, and he'll be right - honestly, you may also be exposing him to ridicule for having an over-involved mother.
If you are going to react to anything, react to actual issues when they happen, not issues you imagine might happen in the future.
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The Question
im really wondering if im supposed to shave my pussy or vagina area. im really hairy and i wear a 34B and i get really irrated cause i feel like im the only one with hair their
The Answer
Every women grows pubic hair.
Most women I know certainly trim it, either with scissors or razors, it only for their own comfort. Many women do shave or wax all if it, or most of it, off.
There is no 'supposed too'. There is only what makes you comfortable and happy.
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The Question
Me and this guy started the same time in the company that we're working for. We go on the same floor but he's on another depertment, more on the far end of the floor. We became instant friends since he's my seat buddy on our orientation.
We have settled on each of our units, and have our own set of friends, but we regularly have lunch and dinner together. Even go home together. We even always talk and flirt over our communicator system.
We have never really defined our relationship. But I really like him, cause he's really funny, sweet, and nice to me.
I have this friend of mine, who also belongs to the same unit as I am, who also have a secret crush on him.
I know that I shouldn't have any issue about it, and there isn't any issue about me and my friend yet, but it really pissed me off. I also discovered that they're chatting as well on the communicator.
I really felt jealous, like my head is going to explode, and my fingers is getting numb, and like my breathing goes heavy.
They've been chatting regularly and it's just breaking me apart.
I tried to ask him if he's alrady seeing someone, or flirting with someone. For which he all denies. I cannot ask him about her, and I can't ask her about him, because I know it's not my place.
We still talk regularly, have lunch and dinner, and go home together. Nothing actually changes, though maybe there is, me.
I don't know what to do, on how to deal with all of this? On how can I remain at least friends with both of them.. I want to trust him that nothing's going on. But I can't demand any assurance from him. And I can't really stop him from seeing someone. How can I do this and carry on?
The Answer
Tell him you want more.
Ask him to be in a relationship with you.
Clearly, this is what you want. Clearly, you aren't actually satisfied with the current arrangement between you two.
That's fine, but it's time to be honest about that. It's not her crush that is making your miserable, it's the fact that you want a kind of relationship with this man, that you don't currently have.
You are right: You don't really have a place to inquire about her feelings or their friendship. What you DO have a place to do is tell him about your true feelings and desires.
Stop just trying to 'cope'. You aren't just friends with this guy, you have a romantic connection and you want something more. Stand up and ask for what you want.
Yes, that means taking the risk that he'll end it entirely, but if you don't speak up soon, your own fears and anxiety will end this any way, so bite the bullet and at least try to get what you actually want.
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The Question
I am a 20 year old female about 120 pounds, I am in healthy/athletic shape because I'm a dancer and I also enjoy running and going to the gym when I have time. So basically, while I'm at college I do at least some type of physical activity everyday and I generally eat healthy. The only time I eat unhealthy is when I'm hungover, and sometimes I eat at night before bed if I'm stressed/bored/need the comfort. But overall I watch my calories and eat healthy. I drink alcohol often because I'm a college student so I generally drink 3-4 nights a week, but I try to stick to light liquors (I know that doesn't really change much).
I have very muscular/skinny arms, legs, and even upper stomach, but on my lower stomach I have ALWAYS had a pouch. I know that people are going to say this is probably because of drinking, but even before I drank when I was younger and still really skinny I always had this pouch. I've never in my life not had the pouch. It is hte most frustrating thing and i don't know what to do anymore because I want for once in my life to be able to wear belly shirts and to feel really fit at dance and be able to feel comfortable wearing bathing suits. I'm so comfortable with the rest of my body, but the pouch is ALWAYS there no mater what and it probably sounds dumb but it has caused me endless self-esteem issues my entire life. Last spring I even did Isagenix where I have two shakes a day to replace meals and then have one 400-600 calorie meal. I lost a lot of weight and my stomach was a little flatter but the pouch was still there. This past summer I worked out and danced like crazy, I only ate 1000 calories a day, and I tried my hardest not to eat night. Again, I lost a lot of weight and my stomach did get noticeably flatter but the pouch was still there. I have a great workout regimen including a lot of ab work and exercises I have researched for lower abs, but still no changes in the pouch.
I am so frustrated with this lifestyle of having to go into hardcore dieting and working out just to see my stomach flatten out a little (still a pouch though) but once I start to live normally again my stomach is not flat. I know that people's bodies collect weight differently but there HAS to be a way for me to get this pouch away. I am obviously to young for surgery and I have never tried diet pills because I don't want to hurt myself, although I might try taking coffee bean extract pills before meals. But the thing is, I worry that no matter what kind of diet/exercise I do i will lose weight in the rest of my body but not my pouch, just like what always happens. I know this might seem dumb but for me it is something I have been struggling with my ENTIRE life and it is SO frustrating. If anyone has had this problem before or can give me any advice about lower stomach pouch I would really appreciate it. Thank you!
The Answer
Congratulations. You are a human being!
Most women, most human beings, even models, have a bit of pouch just below their belly buttons. Just go out looking for photos pre-photoshoping. It's not "Extra Weight". That's called "The Human Body". That's not even about everyone's uniqueness, it's fundamentally how we are built as a species. Very, very few people don't naturally have that, regardless of how healthy they are.
The people who don't have that, are the unusual ones. Even people who rely solely on their bodies for their work, have what you are describing.
Therapy would be a better investment than supplements.
The struggle is what is hurting you, not the tummy.
A nutritionist would be a better investment than another crash diet.
For long-term success, you need longterm solutions, not starvation diets.
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The Question
Me and my guy friend when we was 13 would give orel sex to each other. Now we are 21 in a relationship with girls and haven't spoke about it since we was prob 14. And we and would not want anyone to find out about it. How would I go about asking him if he would ever consider me giving him a blowjob again
The Answer
I can never recommend deception or cheating.
And this would be cheating, and deception. The kind of cheating and deception that destroys trust, and even puts your relationships and friendships at risk.
Being bisexual does NOT mean you need to be having regular sex with people of both genders. Having a sexual attraction to men and women, doesn't make deception or cheating okay.
You are in a relationship with your girlfriend. If there is sexual activity you desire that you don't want with her, or cant have with her, you need to talk to her about that first.
Sorry. You get no pass here. It's okay to want to have oral sex with men. It's not okay to lie to partner about it. It's also not okay to expect that no one will ever find out - that is setting yourself up for disaster.
Want to set yourself up for success, and honest, enjoyable sex? Great, then talk to you girlfriend about what it is you want. Either that, or stick to porn and fantasy.
Approaching your old friend (who you barely seem to have a friendship with anymore) behind both of your girlfriends backs, is NEVER going to be an okay thing to do, and is also a really dumb move.
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The Question
I'm a 22 year old female and I recently developed what should be an innocent school crush. After all I have a boyfriend, and under no circumstances would I leave him for this guy. Yet it feels like I'm back in my high school days, when it seemed like every guy I liked did not like me back.
I attended a private high school in a wealthy area, and some of the girls there were drop dead gorgeous. When I first started there, I was an awkward 14 year old girl and although I tried to turn myself into another one of those girls it never worked. Most likely because they remembered the person that they started high school with, and to them that's who I still was in at least some aspect.
Since then, the braces came off and my hair looks very nice. I actually tend to get more unwanted attention from men than desired.
Every time I see this guy I get reminded of how physically attracted I am to him. This is something that I lack with my boyfriend or any other guy that I dated, since I tend to go for personality and I often find it better that way. I find me wanting him to do things for me like tutoring me in my pre-calculus class, since he got through calculus... and other things, like little fantasies.
We're both in relationships with other people, and no matter what, it doesn't matter. I really don't need to know whether or not I'm his type. I don't need to know if his girlfriend's really pretty or if she's unattractive. Whether he's sexually active, or intends to stay a virgin until he's married. I just find him physically attractive, intelligent, open-minded, funny and I enjoy his company. This does not mean that I desire to engage in sexual intercourse with him, or to kiss him... or do anything else that would mean cheating on my boyfriend.
I also find my feelings about him wearing Abercrombie & Fitch rather lame. Most of the guys that I had a crush on in high school wore that name brand, and they always turned out to be the world's biggest douches. So, somehow that makes me associate him with the losers that I used to like back in high school.
The thing is that he's someone that I've decided I would miss too much to just lose touch with. I told him that I'm going to miss him after we finish philosophy class together, and I asked him if he wanted to keep in touch. He said that I'm a good friend too, and he definitely would, but that he'd be busy because he's taking 20 credits with his girlfriend next semester (something that I don't think is a good idea but would never tell him).
Why do I have these types of feelings?
NOTHING about him is telling me that he's at all like the guys that I knew back in high school. Instead, he always says hi to me, we engage in long conversations before class and when I asked him if his little sister was his daughter (even though I knew she wasn't) he didn't get mad at me. So really there's nothing that tells me if we were both single and I started flirting with him, that he wouldn't allow me to. I sincerely doubt that he's at all like those assholes who dissed me back in high school, so all of these thoughts really make no sense.
I think this might have something to do with the fact that I'm not used to making a lot of close friends. Other than my boyfriend, my best friend is one of my ex boyfriends who I've known forever. I know a few people who I can call and who probably schedule a day to hang out with me if I asked, but I'm rather socially awkward when it comes to making friends.
The Answer
Do you normally spend this much time thinking about someone you don't have feelings for? Do you normally go out of your way to tease a guy who you don't have feelings for? Do you compare every guy you met to people who were mean to you five years ago?
I'm sorry hun, but you've jumped the tracks here. Maybe this 'should' be an innocent crush, but from the outside it's really tough to see it that way.
Even if I accept that you aren't actually flirting, or don't mean to be flirting, you know you are crossing lines within your own mind and the way you think of him.. You wouldn't have to spend quite so much time trying to convince everyone here that you aren't, if you actually weren't.
Perhaps most importantly, you've gotten a strong hint that HE doesn't see this as an innocent attachment. When he said 'Sure, let's stay in touch, but that I'll be busy with my girlfriend..." that's him letting you know about boundaries, and putting some more up.
You need to give this friendship some space and stop obsessing over your past experiences. This guy is a unique human being, not a reflection of your past experiences. To obsess over defining him in reference to other people you used to know is rude and destructive. There is no magic cure for that bad habit - just stop it.
You also need to give this friendship some space because it's seems to be taking an unhealthy amount of mental effort and energy. I'm absolutely sure you have no intention on cheating, but you are taking the first steps down that path, and you need to reign yourself in, and learn how to be a good friend with someone of the opposite sex. We aren't born knowing how to be someone's friend, and we aren't born knowing how to be a good plutonic friend to someone of the opposite sex, but it is something you have to learn. Sounds like this might be a good person to work on those skills with, but you have to dial it down a few notches. Your current approach is too intense and too intimate - it'll cause confusion and trouble for you both.
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The Question
Okay this may sound corny... but I'm trying to get my boyfriend to quit smoking by coming up with informational and educational fact sheets about why its bad for your health. and I'm trying to figure out why it causes not only lung cancer, but other cancers as well.. can anyone help me find some sites that give the reasons for this? or does anyone know biology enough to help me out in this area? thanks!
The Answer
You probably just want infographics. They will save you some time and effort. You can just google "Smoking infographic" and come up with quite a few (a few of which will be pro-weed or pro-cigar, but most will be health related.)
I did just that and came up with this one:
http://visualoop.tumblr.com/post/44464226009/the-dangerous-effects-of-nicotine
I do have to second what Zane said however:
When it comes to helping someone with a bad habit, listening is almost always more effective than teaching. If he wants to quit, the best help you can give him is not information, it's patience and support.
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The Question
I am a 14 year old female. About a week ago I developed a sore throat, followed by a really bad cough. I had a bit of a runny nose but nothing unlikely. I didn't think much of it untill in the course of being sick I got a really bad sore throat. It felt unbearable. I went to school and in my health class we started talking about STDS and stuff. Where there I was informed that if your partner has HIV and you perform oral you can get throat cancer. A few days before I got my sore throat I had given my boyfriend a blow job. From there I became skeptical about throat cancer.. I don't think my boyfriend has HIV but I'm not sure. i don't drink or smoke or anything that can trigger throat cancer but it has almost been 2 weeks and I have another sore throat that I can't handle anymore. It is so painful it hurts to eat, swallow, even drink water. It feels bruised. Please help! This is keeping me up all night and I can't take it, it hurts way too much.
The Answer
You don't have throat cancer from performing oral sex.
Of course, I'm not doctor, and I haven't examined you or run any tests on you, but in all seriousness, just no. That's how it works.
The likelihood that have you throat cancer is ridiculously small and it's fundamentally impossible for your to have developed throat cancer (and any symptoms associated with it) in less than a week.
You should see a doctor, because you have a persistent sore throat, and leaving a cold or virus intreated could cause long-term damage to your throat and/or lungs. You need to see a doctor.
But you don't have throat cancer because you gave your boyfriend a blow job.
First off: Your instructor was almost certainly talking about HPV, not HIV.
HPV is a group of STIs and some studies have recently linked certain types of HPV to a increase in the risk of throat cancer.
HIV is an STI with far more serious health implications, that is much less common that HPV. HIV is best known for contributing to the development of AIDS, and it does also have links with many types of cancer, but throat cancer specifically is not one of the cancers strongly linked to HIV or AIDS.
About 80% of the human population catch some form of HPV at some point in their lives, most will never notice it, and most will also clear it normally like the body clears a cold. Only some forms of HPV have been linked to cervical cancer, and now these new studies suggest there might also be some link to throat cancer..
Secondly: Even if we do accept the conclusion that there is a link between some types of HPV and developing throat cancer, the risks are still relatively small. Heavy drinking, smoking, and even regular heartburn increase the risks of developing throat cancer far, far more than oral sex.
So relax. Get some sleep, and see a doctor because you are in pain, and you need help with your sore throat.
You may also want to consider both and your boyfriend getting STI checks. Although there is no reliable test for HPV for men, there are some screening options for women, and getting checked for everything might save you from this unnecessary anxiety next time.
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