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I feel permanently scarred.
I'll try to keep this short. About 2 years ago, I discovered my boyfriend putting pictures of girls faces on pornstar's bodies. The pictures were taken off of facebook. Not only did he do this, but he had countless folders of these girls stored away. Some, were his ex's. Others, were girls he had crushes on in the past.
They all live in the same town as I do, and while I was going to a local breakfast shop I saw one of the girls he had done this to. The girls don't know about the pictures, I haven't exactly told too many people. It wasn't her fault, I know that, but I felt my heart sink as soon as I saw her. I felt the same pain I had felt when I found out about all of the pictures, and I fear that this thing that happened will haunt me for forever.
Yes, I am still with the man who did this, because I have been trying to put the past behind me after he has assured me that he truly feels terrible for what he has done.
What also worries me is that I recently read an article about a man who devoted a whole website to actions much similar to what my boyfriend had done. He photoshopped pictures of girl's faces onto porn stars' bodies , as well. This man pushed the envelope further by falsely accusing the women to be whores, and planted the blame on them.(basically, he denied ever photoshopping the pictures. this was because the website was a forum, and people would degrade the women in the pictures) Eventually, so the article says, the man was forced to stop by the police, that this was a form of harassment, and he could get sent to jail if he didn't stop (sorry for the lack of detail)
However the point is that my boyfriend had thought to do this same degrading, terrible thing that this man was getting in trouble for, deeply disturbs me. The only difference is in my boyfriends point of viewm it was for his pleasure..
Still, it gives me a strange perspective.
I just don't know how to cope with this post-anxiety that seems to always creep up on me at random times, and I honestly feel emotionally mind-f*cked, to say the least.
I don't know where to go from here, since it's already been so long of a time. He seems to still really love and care for me, but I just can't shake the fact that there is a "what if" to it all. I also think that this type of behavior is abnormal and I am with someone who is always hiding something, or has a wall up.
Overall, I'm really just asking advice for my own sanity. What would be the best solution for me? How do I get out of this loop of insecurity?
Thank you
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I think you should go to therapy - together - and address this.
This was clearly never really handled in your relationship, and while, yes, your boyfriend did not post these pictures and harass these women, he did create images that are potential very harmful to these women. That is very, very different that simply fantasizing about women.
Most of the naked photos of women on those offensive websites that make fun of them, are photos that were retrieved from their private emails or phones. Once those sorts of images exist, they can never truly be made to not exist. For that reason, what your boyfriend did was extremely, extremely irresponsible and disrespectful. If those photos did fall into the wrong hands, your boyfriend would certainly be morally responsible, if not legally responsible, for the pain and embarrassment forced on these women.
Fantasies and pornography may certainly be normal, but what your boyfriend did was not engaging with fantasy or porn in anything close to an acceptable or responsible way. His interest in these women or in porn isn't deviant, but that fact his better judgement didn't inform him that this was NOT an acceptable way to act on that interest is genuinely concerning, and for that reason, your insecurity is not just understandable - it's justifiable.
Frankly, I would never have stayed with a man who felt this was appropriate behaviour - I'd simply consider him too stupid to date if he couldn't figure out on his own that this was not okay to do.
If you need more reassurance that he understands his mistakes, and wont make them again, I think that's fair. For the sake of getting that reassurance in the most mutually respectful and productive way, it's a conversation that will be the most effective if you have a professional counsellor moderate it.
Your boyfriend probably never even thought of doing anything so horrible as the men who have made and run those 'revenge porn' websites, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have to address your anxiety - he does. You've lost trust because he did something phenomenally stupid, and you aren't going to be able to rebuild that until you both have a better understanding of what happened and what it did to your relationship.
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I would have stopped short of saying boyfriends behavior was deviant had he not posted these pictures on Facebook. Doing something for ones own pleasure that is not meant to see the light of day by others may be somewhat narcissistic but I would stop there and not go to fully abnormal.
How did you find he had a whole scrapbook of these pictures? Did he show them to you or did you ask about the pictures after seeing some on Facebook or did you find them by snooping through his things? The reason I ask this is that the trust issue comes in to play now.
You have good reason not to trust your boyfriend after discovering this about him. From your point of view this behavior is deviant and to trust he will stop just because he was found out... well that does not always play out well. On the other hand if you found out all this about him by snooping through his things he too has trust issues with you.
Trust or lack there of on either part is the biggest reason for insecurity. If you feel you cannot ever trust him or learn to trust him again then you have an insurmountable problem. You cannot have a loving relationship without trust.
These girls that he has photoshopped their faces and you all live in the same town. If every time you see one of these girls he has used their face to do this with and you feel like you're keeping a secret from them. Then that is going to cause additional trouble between you.
To me this is a no win situation for you. The best option I see for you is to have yourself a pity party and get back in the pool to find someone else to love who will love you. Someone you can have a loving and trusting relationship with that I don't see happening with this boy.
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It is normal to feel the way you do, He broke your trust.
"Trust takes years to build, seconds to break,and forever to repair. If its lost it's not easily found and if it is found its never the same again."
My friend, To be honest with you things never may be the same again and you may never fully trust him the way you once did.
You have every right to feel anger, He hurt you. Taking pictures of women and fantasizing about them. His actions were hurtful not just too you but these women, These women were victims.
I may never truly understand the reason for you wanting to still be with him and that's okay. He hurt you and he deserves your lack of trust and I would of personally never took him back. This man is crass and has no clue of his wrong doing.
The reason you feel insecure is because of his poor choice of actions. This man has broken the secure barrier and overstepped his boundaries. Unfortunately, Damage may of been done as sometimes when someone fantasizes about women they know it is almost a fantasy of wanting to cheat. (In my point of view to say the least) I'm leaning more towards moving on and finding someone else, This relationship has ended long ago.
Good luck partner
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Basically, you're in a relationship where trust was broken and trust is a hard thing for someone to re-establish with a partner and takes a very very long time.
When we give ourselves to someone in a relationship, we hope they love us enough to uphold the very best for us, doing nothing that could hurt us, keeping our health, happiness and welfare at the highest level possible. It doesnt sound like he has the welfare of any female in mind when he does such trust breaking, degrading things using their photos.
I understand that in the world of sexuality there is a lot of fetishes and fantasies of what will be ugly and gross to the majority of us. And I understand that no matter how we can't get our minds around it, what one person likes for his sexual fantasies, is his own business as long as they don't attempt to force an unwilling participant to partake with him/her or using someones photos without their permission or knowledge. That is where he crossed the border. Whatever deep need he has deep down inside will not be changed so easily or go away when he utters the words, "I am sorry" or "I feel terrible about that."
For example,think of others with some compulsive or addictive behaviors, like A teen who cuts herself, may hate the fact she does and tell family she's sorry and wont do it ever again, but what caused the depression hasn't been taken care of so they continue to cut.
Why are you with him and why are you dating? Have you a desire to find and be with a man who is truly in love with you for long term whether married or not? Or are you looking to just find someone for companionship, a room-mate who also is your sex partner. With the first, there would be no question in your mind that he loves you, it's in all his actions, as well as his words. With the second one theres a good chance that there is love but not in love with. And if there is some kind of love, it is conveyed only in words, not backed up by actions. And this hon, is where you are at. He says he loves you but took an action that says the opposite but how he treated other females, especially old girlfriends. Also you use the words "He seems to still really love me..." which sounds very weak as if your subconscious mind is not convinced of this. IT bothers you more than you think or you would not have written us. Hey there's lots of relationships like yours where people stick together for who knows what reasons but the relationship but it is only a poor facsimile of what a real loving relationship can be. This is entirely your decision.
Currently you feel like you don't have enough information on him to be able to make a full informed decision to stay with him or no longer be in relationship with him. Thats your what if and feeling something is being kept hidden.
Since it bothers you this much, if you feel you are ready to hear the truth, even in the case you may not like it, then you might want to open a talk with him.
Myself, I would tell my partner that I have felt unsettled and still have not gotten over the discovery of two years ago. I keep feeling there is something more. I feel I don't know enough about him in certain areas of his life to know if it's something I can be ok living with or not. So I want to ask him to tell me all his sexual fantasies, all the stuff he still desires, rather than keep it a secret, cus some things I might be willing to participate in, and some I may not. I want it all out in the open rather than kept hidden which makes me feel uneasy and nervous. And you have to be willing to acknowledge whatever he shares as valid desires and not put him down for it. If he is willing to come out and be truthful...thats a big step. Once its out, if you feel he is still a keeper, but theres something you can't do for him sexual fantasy wise, and this is something that a person can't change about themselves sexually, then either you allow him to pursue that part of fantasies online with females who do role play for free or for pay. If permission is given, this is not cheating. There are few women who can do this and most men sense this so most will not confess to their fantasies and continue to do so in secret. Just because you don't know about it, doesn't mean its not happening behind your back.
After so much time spent living with this guy, you must have a good sense of his character, whether he is a man of his word, whether he can be trusted and counted on, etc...
But you are not feeling that. Through every day life, the way he handles himself in other situations and conversations with you and interaction with others, you should be able to see things that confirm to you his good character or only reinforce a flaky one. I am guessing that your subconscious mind is picking up on the things your conscious awake mind isn;t, the things that perhaps confirm a flaky character and thats why after 2 years you still have no trust.
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