|
An Innocent School Girl Crush on a Guy Friend
I'm a 22 year old female and I recently developed what should be an innocent school crush. After all I have a boyfriend, and under no circumstances would I leave him for this guy. Yet it feels like I'm back in my high school days, when it seemed like every guy I liked did not like me back.
I attended a private high school in a wealthy area, and some of the girls there were drop dead gorgeous. When I first started there, I was an awkward 14 year old girl and although I tried to turn myself into another one of those girls it never worked. Most likely because they remembered the person that they started high school with, and to them that's who I still was in at least some aspect.
Since then, the braces came off and my hair looks very nice. I actually tend to get more unwanted attention from men than desired.
Every time I see this guy I get reminded of how physically attracted I am to him. This is something that I lack with my boyfriend or any other guy that I dated, since I tend to go for personality and I often find it better that way. I find me wanting him to do things for me like tutoring me in my pre-calculus class, since he got through calculus... and other things, like little fantasies.
We're both in relationships with other people, and no matter what, it doesn't matter. I really don't need to know whether or not I'm his type. I don't need to know if his girlfriend's really pretty or if she's unattractive. Whether he's sexually active, or intends to stay a virgin until he's married. I just find him physically attractive, intelligent, open-minded, funny and I enjoy his company. This does not mean that I desire to engage in sexual intercourse with him, or to kiss him... or do anything else that would mean cheating on my boyfriend.
I also find my feelings about him wearing Abercrombie & Fitch rather lame. Most of the guys that I had a crush on in high school wore that name brand, and they always turned out to be the world's biggest douches. So, somehow that makes me associate him with the losers that I used to like back in high school.
The thing is that he's someone that I've decided I would miss too much to just lose touch with. I told him that I'm going to miss him after we finish philosophy class together, and I asked him if he wanted to keep in touch. He said that I'm a good friend too, and he definitely would, but that he'd be busy because he's taking 20 credits with his girlfriend next semester (something that I don't think is a good idea but would never tell him).
Why do I have these types of feelings?
NOTHING about him is telling me that he's at all like the guys that I knew back in high school. Instead, he always says hi to me, we engage in long conversations before class and when I asked him if his little sister was his daughter (even though I knew she wasn't) he didn't get mad at me. So really there's nothing that tells me if we were both single and I started flirting with him, that he wouldn't allow me to. I sincerely doubt that he's at all like those assholes who dissed me back in high school, so all of these thoughts really make no sense.
I think this might have something to do with the fact that I'm not used to making a lot of close friends. Other than my boyfriend, my best friend is one of my ex boyfriends who I've known forever. I know a few people who I can call and who probably schedule a day to hang out with me if I asked, but I'm rather socially awkward when it comes to making friends.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Hello dear.
What comes to mind with your agonizing and spending so much time on the subject is that it is possible
that you are not being totally honest with yourself to begin with, you might be lying to yourself.
We all have done that at some point to some degree or another. It's best described as your conscious mind trying to talk your subconscious mind into believing something you plan for or desire to do is the best thing for you. So that's when you end up in a quandry, going over every little detail, every thought, even comparing to your past. It means your conscious mind and subconscious minds are not on the same page here.
From what I pick up from your writing, your subconscious mind is what connected to the physical/romantic feeling attraction. It is a pheremone thing and your subconscious mind instinctively knows this is very important in a relationship for you and so it won't let it rest and brings up these feelings over and over.
Your conscious mind registers the fact that you are in a dating relationship with a boyfriend where the only things you specifically said about him was: " ...how physically attracted I am to him, This is something that I lack with my boyfriend"
What that tells me is that he may feel safe, comfortable, stable for a long term relationship, comfortable is like an old worn shoe...comfortable is two people who can be best friends. And you are wise to pick up on the fact that it is important to have this as a foundation for a long term relationship. But that is only one part of it dear. The other half of that foundation for a happy successful long term romantic relationship is chemistry...that spark/pheromon connection is just as important.
We try to lie to ourselves. My first husband was someone who was my sexual mismatch because of lack of this connection. It did not end well. I'd be glad to share more details if you write to me so you can see for yourself what will happen to relationships that lack this type of physical attraction and passion.at
If your subconscious mind is already unsettled and unhappy about the choices you are making, it's time to be honest with yourself. I think, like me, you are willing to ignore the obvious, the initial feelings of attraction because you haven't tasted fully of it yet as I hadnt. (you mentioned not feeling it with any past boyfriends)
So you are saying you are willing to settle for less, a good man with whom you have no sexual cravings or desires, no passion behind the kisses and maybe as in my case, no orgasms ever by him, I had to masturbate to get any. Having experienced what 30 yrs of marriage to someone like that is, being sexually mismatched and both of us miserable but stubbornly sticking together for no particular reason at all other than maybe not wanting to feel like we failed at something... I feel strongly and will advise any young lady to wait until she can find both in one man.....
Both the best friend and the passionate lover and be attracted to both aspects of him. I will not say that this one person you feel it with, just because he's the first one you felt it for, might be the right one for you. I think all your subconscious is screaming at you is, "Don't deny us the passionate lover part in a relationship. I will only be happy with that. Don't drag me along any longer in non passionate relationships"
If you're no longer in high school, its time to realize dating is no longer cus its the social thing to do, dating is for discovering what you like, need and want in a partner long term ... possibly marriage some day.
As for going back to bring up things you worried about and were concerned about in high-school, that's a mental game you're playing with yourself, putting up the false flags as far as this guy you have physical attraction to. You are doing everything in your ability to hide, mask or distract your subconscious mind from that fact that this is very important to you. He's in a relationship so he's off limits. If he ever becomes single, date him a while to see if alls okay or there are some things about his personality you can't live with. The lesson to take away from this experience is that you need to be honest with yourself and able to admit that having someone with whom there is mutual passion is just as important as having them for a best friend. Good luck dear and you can write me anytime to talk in further detail if you need. Just tell me a piece of your story so I remember who you are.
]
Do you normally spend this much time thinking about someone you don't have feelings for? Do you normally go out of your way to tease a guy who you don't have feelings for? Do you compare every guy you met to people who were mean to you five years ago?
I'm sorry hun, but you've jumped the tracks here. Maybe this 'should' be an innocent crush, but from the outside it's really tough to see it that way.
Even if I accept that you aren't actually flirting, or don't mean to be flirting, you know you are crossing lines within your own mind and the way you think of him.. You wouldn't have to spend quite so much time trying to convince everyone here that you aren't, if you actually weren't.
Perhaps most importantly, you've gotten a strong hint that HE doesn't see this as an innocent attachment. When he said 'Sure, let's stay in touch, but that I'll be busy with my girlfriend..." that's him letting you know about boundaries, and putting some more up.
You need to give this friendship some space and stop obsessing over your past experiences. This guy is a unique human being, not a reflection of your past experiences. To obsess over defining him in reference to other people you used to know is rude and destructive. There is no magic cure for that bad habit - just stop it.
You also need to give this friendship some space because it's seems to be taking an unhealthy amount of mental effort and energy. I'm absolutely sure you have no intention on cheating, but you are taking the first steps down that path, and you need to reign yourself in, and learn how to be a good friend with someone of the opposite sex. We aren't born knowing how to be someone's friend, and we aren't born knowing how to be a good plutonic friend to someone of the opposite sex, but it is something you have to learn. Sounds like this might be a good person to work on those skills with, but you have to dial it down a few notches. Your current approach is too intense and too intimate - it'll cause confusion and trouble for you both.
]
I'm going to work my way down this one
1, Why where you trying to be one of these girls at the school? Why can't you just be you?
2, Are you setting yourself boundaries or are you giving him impressions that may be the wrong ones?
3, Have you made it clear to him that you are in a relationship and are very happy? Is he doing anything that may make you think he likes you more then a friend? Are you reassuring him where you two stand?
Sometimes when we start to develop feelings for someone it's best if we limit the amount of time we contact them. I am introverted and don't have many friends but I am also happily married and would make damn well that someone knows that if it were to be a male companion. Sometimes we need to reassure people in order to get the point across. He is in a relationship, You are in a relationship that is where you both stand.
]
More Questions: |