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My boyfriend has commitment issues.
My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, living together for 1 year. He previously was married 17 years to a woman who embezzeled money from his business and cheated on him twice.He has a daughter by this ex. Here's my point...all our friends are getting married to others with less time in their relationships. I love this man and im totally committed to this relationship. Im 7 years older than he, I have children of my own but they are grown and married. I accepted that this relationship was a pkg deal with his daughter. He says he loves me, wants to grow old with me and doesn't want another person in his life but he says he doesn't want to marry cause all marriages end in divorce and he doesn't like the idea for the state to get involved. He asked "Can we just marry before God and make our vows without getting the state involved? I'll do this for you right now!" So...we did. Is he wanting to commit without a marriage license? Im trying to understand this...help.
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There are two very different kinds of marriage.
There is the sacrament, or the religious ritual and beliefs about marriage, and then there is marriage under the law.
Most people want both. They want the ritual before God, and they want the protections and entitlements that the state gives to married individuals. Some people don't want God to have a damn thing to do with their marriage, and simply get married in law, and some people, albeit a minority of people, don't want want the state to have anything to do with their marriage, and simply get married in a religious ceremony.
You'll need to talk to your boyfriend a great deal more about this, about what aspects of marriage he values and which he doesn't. If he had a past wife who committed finical crimes, it's understandable that he may have a dim view of the way the state recognizes married - since the state may have held him finically responsible for her behaviour in some ways.
If he takes his faith very seriously, then perhaps a religious marriage is, in his mind, as much a commitment as any kind of marriage, but you'll need to speak to him a great deal more to understand, and appreciate his position.
If there is something about a marriage in law that is particularly important to you (it does give you some rights and protections that are not afforded by a simple religious marriage) then it might be good to express to him exactly what your concerns are, and what you value about a marriage under secular law.
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Some people don't want to be married but rather married in their hearts.
Basically there are two sides, All depends on how you look at it.
The man values the relationship enough to not want to take a risk of divorce, On the other hand he doesn't value it enough to make a lifetime commitment and trust it enough to marry you in the eyes of the law.
I see it this way, He is not making sense.
Either way, A relationship can be damaged. Entering a relationship is a risk, Maybe he is afraid to take the risk of possibly going through another divorce. Perhaps this makes sense considering his last circumstances but he should NOT be comparing you with his previous bad luck. Basically, He wants to be lifetime partners without a marriage license, yes.
Are you okay with being in a relationship and not being married to this man? Technically, This is what he is implying. Surprisingly, Not being legally married is not as uncommon as you may think it is. While I was investing for my sister as she cannot legally marry for personal reasons, I have found that there is a surprising number of couples who marry in there hearts and doing a ceremony rather then an actual wedding.
If you feel strongly against this, I would talk to him about considering the possibility of engagement for awhile and play things by ear, Or if you'd like maybe you could go the ceremony route and still by the wedding rings and have the whole caboodle without doing it legally in the eyes of the law. Technically, Marriage is a piece of paper so either way a ceremony or a wedding, Not much of a difference.
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