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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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Any tips on what to do about parents that don’t let me save money? Basically when I first got a job my bank account was joint with my mom, it was joint because she told me it’ll be easier for her to send money to my school. Little did I know it was a tactic, whenever I got paid from my job I didn’t know how much I was making because my mom had my debit card she said she wanted us to save money, so I thought. So basically as I was making the money my mom was taking out the money to pay the bills ultimately I finally caught her when we went to the bank together and the bank teller gave me the receipt and my balance was less than 100 dollars when I’ve been working for 30 hours a week. Anyways long story short I got my debit card from her and she stopped taking money. So this school year I had to stop working to focus on school and my parents said that they’ll give me an allowance to survive till school is over and then I’d have to get a job again. Long story short I basically spent my whole savings this year because my parents would either ask me for money or id have to spend it on personal expenses like public transportation so my whole savings is gone. It’s gotten to the point where my mom even asked to borrow my credit card knowing that I don’t have a job to pay it back. She told me she’ll pay it back but I already paid the whole thing with my savings because she still hasn’t (obviously I didn’t tell her I paid for it) Any tips on what to do? I made another bank account that’s not joint with my mom but she found a way to weasel her self to that account too (don’t ask). I don’t want to turn into a person that can’t save money but my parents are turning me into that

I am glad you made the new account without mom, it shows you are intelligent and nothing at all like your parents. You are not becoming like them, they are abusing you in a way, stealing from you because they believe that since they are family, you would never report them to police. Stealing is stealing. I wouldn't say to report if it was a one time only and they confessed to it and paid you back. But thats not the case here, it keeps repeating. So to continue on what Adviceman said, I do believe that it is best for you to report stolen money and who took it and how (the joint acct, holding onto your debit card and finding a way to get into your new account. If anyone other than your parents had stolen your money this way, would you have kept quiet or called police.

So what is holding you back is thinking they might be so angry it would make bad blood between you or they might cut you out of their lives forever, which is both sad for you but also a good thing as they are less likely to be messing with you and taking advantage of you. I know the economy is bad and many folks are unable to pay their bills, but they don't steal from their adult children to pay bills. My own sister is always tight on money and asks some of her adult children to help her out from time to time and she asks, doesn't steal and will accept just what they can afford to give her and yet pay their own bills. This would be the normal scenerio. Your parents are not treating you with respect and have lost the privilege of being your parents because they are treating you worse than they might their friends, neighbors or strangers, simply because they believe they can get away with it. You need to speak to the school counseler, let it all out, every nasty detail and don't be embarrassed. Sure you gave them your debit card, were oblivious to what was going on and in a way, gave them every opportunity to rob you of your money. You don't owe Mom something for giving birth to you, this is a last tactic of an abuser to verbally put doubt in your mind, that perhaps this is okay and normal. It is NOT!

This is part of learning how to be an adult. We don't always think of keeping tabs on stuff that should be obvious like what is in our bank account, allowing parents to continue to treat you as a minor child and so on. If you are living with them, then they have one last carrot to dangle to keep you from reporting them, stay quiet, let them continue taking your money so you have a place to live. Yes, having a place to live is important and that ultimatum would make you cave in to them. I was faced with a similar decision, of not having a place to live if I held my ground with an abusive boyfriend. My parents were long dead and all my family struggling financially. I could have caved in but I did not and when I did the right adult decision for myself, things turned around. So I am suggesting that you speak to school counselors of what your situation is. The bottom line is that what you want to do right now, may not happen yet because of being backed into a corner. You need to be able to have some money to have a place to live and money for your basic other expenses. I would not trust the parents to get into an arrangement where you accept money from them, because they would more likely being asking you to pay them back every penny of allowance. Yes, this means not being able to finish school in the time frame you wanted. There are plenty of young adults whose parents are controlling their adult lives, treating them like children and eventually they get tired of it and want out but there is no easy way out. Its even harder if you live with the parents. YOu really need to learn how to hide from their radar if Mom is so crafty as to find a way to gain access to a new bank account. Using a bank, even if direct deposit, you have to have checking or savings accts, even if there is no checks being written. The only other thing I can think of is having somewhere else your work deposit get deposited and I recently received such a set up from one employer, it is called a Elite Paychek PLUS and says debit visa on front. YOur entire paycheck is deposited onto that card rather than a local bank account. I can give you contact info for them. I think its a bank in the Dakotas that manages this. IT is nice because immediately after making a purchase like at the grocery, my phone will ring and show a text from them as to what was spent and taken out of the remaining total, what it was spent on. So if Mom never learns of this card, she will never have access to your money. You can find them online at: www.paychekplus.com or call 1-888-890-7470. You can always take out cash and put that into a savings acct.

So my recommendation is:

First get a job, and find roommates and a place to live that all you students can afford near the school. This must be in place first.
Then report the parents to the police. They will take your statement and that information goes into the computer and leaves what is called a paper trail. the Parents won't be going to serve time in jail at this point. But if Mom finds a way to gain access to your money and steal again some time after you have moved out and cut off all relating to them, then the paper trail is a good thing, it shows the police that this has happened before, is not a one time thing, and they are breaking the law by stealing from a person, it doesn't matter if its you or a friend or neighbor. At that point the law system will take over to see what your parents need, counseling if there are circumstances leading to their needing counseling, or having a police record or having to spend time in jail. I know that sounds harsh for parents and thats why so many parents get away with crap when it comes to their adult children. But they stopped acting like parents a long time ago. Some parents are sweet and good, some parents are skirting the law, and in and out of jail, some are drug addicts and clueless or simply clueless how to be a good parent but unwilling to ask for help. YOu have to get past that same thing, be willing to share the details of your situation to people who can help you. One thing would be getting a new phone number and not giving it to the parents. At a job or school or even with roommates, you tell them that if people with your parents names find them and start asking about you, not to give out your phone number. So the 'who to call in case of emergency should not be your parents because once Mom finds out where you work, she will be using all her con artist skills to weave a believeable story, which is the only way she could have gotten past security measures and got access to an account you did not have her on. If it was the same bank as before, the bank knows you are all related and it happened to my daughter, she had settlement money from an accident on which her dad was joint with her as she was a minor at the time, she continued to use the same account as her checking once she began working a job. Dad never stole from her but when his account ran temporarily into the red, instead of the bank calling him about it, they took the money out of another family members account, my daughters. Luckily dad paid her back. I think it is terrible that many banks operate this way so you have to have a new bank again, create a checking account, tell them the whole story you told us, that your Mom found a way to gain access to your new account without her on it. You call the shots and tell them, you will be giving them the names of your parents only so that is anyone by those names tries to gain access to your account, and the bank lets them for whatever reason and false story the parents make up, that you will be finding a lawyer to go after the bank with. So you want the bank manager to also see your account and hear this warning. YOu are telling them that you have been stolen from by the parents repeatedly for a long time and you weren't sure of it as Mom originally had access to your card. Let them know you have filed a police report about your parents and that if they for any reason decide to give your parents access to your hard earned money, they will be sued. You want it in writing that they are marking your account now with this warning and that under no circumstances are they to give info to people just because they say they are relatives or parents.

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So I know this girl and we both went to highschool together. I've always admired her and I wanted to be friends with her but I was always so shy and when she did talk to me I'd come off stand off ish because I felt self-conscious of myself. Over the years after high school I kept bumping into her at random public places but we never said hi or anything because I guess we were never that close. Anyways this year, my bf got into dentistry and surprisingly the girl also got into dental hygiene at the same school as my bf. So occasionally I would see her at events and stuff and the other night I was so drunk that I came up to her and hugged her .... Ive been feeling so embarrassed ever since and I can't help shake off the feeling that I came across weird. Unconsciously I feel like I'm trying to find ways to be her friend but I feel like I'm coming across weird and obsessed. It's like fate keeps bringing me and her together..is this weird? I feel self conscious. How can I stop feeling this obession of wanting to be her friend?

Your last question I'll answer first. Sine I am friendly and out going, if someone I wasn't friends, just acquainted with gave me a hug, and this was the only contact I've had with her, not even any chatting, then of course I would be surprised but not weirded out. If it was noticeable that the person was drunk, then I would not be surprised and know that it was the alcohol that lowered her inhibitions and something of the real person that they didn't let others see, was sneaking out. And it could mean two things. If it was a hug and then no other contact or flirting or behavior that suggests the person is gay or bi and interested in me that way, I would feel weird if it was the first time, maybe that it has happened. It happened to me in real life at a pot luck of many friends of the host and hostess I did not know. One was a bisexual girl who introduced herself and then came right out and asked if I was gay or bi because she might be interested if I was. I told her I wasn't but thanked her for the compliment. It's really a persons own mindset on this situation that determines how they react. There is nothing wrong with the fact some might be interested enough to give a hug when drunk. I would ignore any thoughts to feel weird about it. But then, I am much older and not a young person anymore. I am not saying you are this way, I caught the part of having a BF.

What I want to ask you since I used to be introverted and had social anxiety when younger, I know how painful and embarrassing life can be because as an adult, we can't glide through life avoiding contact with people of varying amounts, the short contact, like the cashier or barista you see as often as you go where they work, extended contact of those you work with or go to school with and the great amount of contact you have with family and friends. I knew I couldn't be successful and happy in life if I learned how to shut down yearnings for friendships instead of learning how to overcome my problems of anxieties, distorted thinking and feeling self conscious. Just because you never were friends in HS does not mean you can't pick up a friendship with a former classmate in later years. And no, it is not weird or awkward. A couple years ago I attended my 40th class reunion and recognized and spoke with those I remembered. There were also many people there I had not befriended in school because of my issues. However, it is amazing what time will do in maturing a persons behavior as an adult, more accepting, you are on a level playing fiend and no one is now the popular group vs the shy and quiet group. I got a dozen facebook friend requests to keep in touch. I think the biggest feedback is that many of those classmates are finding me to be fun to be around due to my sense of humor and as one of those classmates said a few weeks ago on FB, I was a scream, as far as how funny I was in writing of an experience.

I would hope that you would rather find a way to overcome what holds you back to that you can gain self assurance now and start enjoying friendships now. I found I was harder on myself, more embarrassed and I also always imagined the worst behavior, reactions or words or intentions from any people whereever i was concerned. The truth is, all these people I was terrified of was only because my mind was imagining whole scenerios that I wasn't able to mentally handle due to low self esteem and lack of confidence. Funniest thing but some people fake confidence even in HS and I saw them at reunion, standing with a friend, glued to that friends side and not milling about and approaching others to talk to them. These people I thought were so outgoing and had their life going for them were people I had now surpassed in being outgoing, friendly, the one to approach and start conversations. Other than two or three people who stood out and were just as outgoing now as in school, most were quiet and unsure of themselves, felt awkward and had no self confidence in a setting they were unfamiliar with, something outside of their normal daily routine and job. They couldn't adapt. I felt sad for them that at 58 yrs old on the average, these people were somehow navigating life without any real self confidence or extroverted personalities. I know not all personalities can be extrovert and and equal amount are introverted but to find no balance and all of the people introverted was quite startling. If this girl you mention having hugged, has had all the same opportunities as you to say something and start up a chat and be friendly towards you, then I am betting she has no more self confidence and is as self conscious as you. I took a class on personality types. Of all people you could ever run into, the majority are
an even split between about 90 % of people being either the extroverted promoters as it was called or the introverted supporters. The thing both groups had in common was being friendly. So that means 45% of people out there will react friendly when someone else makes the first move to talk or to become friends. The other 10% are another two personality types, again an even split, of 5% analysts and 5% Controllers. I naturally don't get along with analysts and controller. Analysts don't like the boisterousness of promoters, want to avoid getting close to people, are quiet and private while controllers despise supporter types for their lack of drive. In my lifetime, I've only come across a controller type twice and I could feel the disgust coming off them towards me for no reason at all. I don't take it personally as it is such a person who is a loner but wants to be in control of people, life and how each day should unfold and that is on them, not me. The same goes for you dear. I call these personality types though they are listed as behavioral types because all the splits into many different personality types come from these four basics as far as I am concerned. I am putting a link to a chart of behavior types for you to see for yourself.

https://courses.cs.vt.edu/~cs3604/support/Groups/First.Characteristics.html

I am now mostly a blend of both supporter and promoter minus the competitive spirit on the chart.
If you were a controller or analyst, I highly doubt you would be asking for help with this situation of not having become friends with someone. So my guess is that you are a supporter type as I used to be just this type only but moved to be more open and thus the blend. On the chart, click on each highlighted behavior type and read in depth about what each person is like.
My husband I think used to be more analytical before he met me later in life, and he was part supporter also so we had that in common. So I am the one who meets new people first in most cases and enjoy being social while he is slow to warm up to people but once he has, you can't tell there are some analyst tendencies. He can appear to be like me at times when the situation calls for it but he is definitely the blend I mentioned.

I am hoping you will ask me how to overcome self consciousness, rather than how to stop thinking about this one girl. If you actually came out of your shell, attempted to befriend her but she felt you were not close to her personality type, then being friends is pretty much out of the question. You can be friendly towards and say hit, greet by name, even short chats but to spend any good amounts of time hanging out with just doesn't happen with two people have nothing much in common. If you were rejected as a friend or you realized she was not your friend type after all and pulled away, then either way to s top thinking about her, yes there is a way and I have used it so I know it works. I can share that with you but I would be enabling you to avoid changing that which prevents you from making friends and approaching people and talking to people, even those you don't know. I also have instruction on how to overcome that too. If you have no problem with being friends with people, and it is only this one gal, then something else is up and I'd have to hear more from you to discover what is up. For example, if you were open minded to a possibility you were bi sexual, and instead of simply admiring things about her, there has been a sexual attraction, then maybe it is something like that and denying that part of you exists will only cause more problems for you mentally, emotionally.

The fact you have kept running into her so often, not just any other old classmates, has me thinking it is fate also that you approach rather than reject this opportunity to learn and grow in whatever way your soul is meant to learn in this life of yours. I've known which things I have learned and mastered and also areas I can improve.

If you choose to ignore and not approach her and befriend her, yes, this learning opportunity may disappear but whatever you are meant to learn or overcome will keep happening in your life in other situations with other people until you get it right. A good example is a woman who is married and divorced four times and asks why she keeps marrying a guy who is wrong for her. Until she learns to not choose a man just by his looks but his character and personality and whether his traits are something she really needs in a man, she will keep making the same mistake. It isn't bad to simply not know,, most of us don't but to ask for help is what is important and then to really apply yourself to what you hear to do. That is what I am saying here, there may be a lesson to learn here, I can't say what it is. But learning how to stop thinking of her is not going to help you learn in life what you are meant by fate to learn. If you still wish to simply erase this desire to befriend, then write back and let me know this is your final decision. If after reading what I have shared, you've changed your mind, then I will share the process I went through to come out of my shell and be self confident and have a good self esteem. And I will give you then what you ask for. If I have totally misunderstood what you wanted, then please explain in different words.

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I'd like to stop using OTC medicines. I'd like a recommendation for a book that has great reviews and since I'm new to this any advice is greatly appreciated.

I don't have room to keep anything extra, even books, so at this point, I just glean my info from You tube videos.
I have a few I will paste in. The first goes over what the human body is comprised of, what it is able to do and how holistic health affects the body. This is a basic important platform from where you start building your knowledge. Here is that one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i5T3Fht1hs

That video is one in a series of videos by Dr. Sten Ekberg. I would suggest watching all the rest of his, including this following one on Keto Diet. It is gaining popularity as some myths and phobias, all misinformation, are clarified about what the human body needs for nutrition. Hubby and I are doing the Keto Diet that is mentioned in this video by Dr Ekberg:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y56dOMtSYAY

I had acid reflux/heartburn problems before I started the diet. Sugar is a big no no and when I cut out a good part of sugar, the heartburn disappeared. I came off the diet for a month and my heartburn came back with a vengeance. Sugar also affects memory and fogginess there. The road back may be slow but I noticed my memory improving and when I took that break, I noticed my memory starting to slip again, it's the small stuff that adds up. We also like all the videos by Dr. Ken Berry on the Keto Diet.

Holistic isn't as much of a list of exercises or foods to eat and avoid as it is the science of what affects your body and you making the decision which foods you will eat that are truly okay for your body.I hope this helps.

I have noticed too many videos and also books out there by people simply wanting to make a buck selling their information. The problem is their information still includes for the most part lots of the misinformation they have been hearing since the day they were born, the stuff that your Dr or nutritionist or dietician have been taught and what they have been taught is based on all the wrong stuff. Rather than believe the doctor, I turn to people who are living natural health and holistically or to these videos for the real info.

Another personal story is long ago when I had gallstones and happened to mention it to a middle aged couple who were friends at church. They loaned me a book by a country Dr. with recipes or things to do to get rid of gallstones. I followed that exercise of things to do just as said and yes, the gallstones passed without problem or pain. In the book, though Keto diet wasn't a term at the time, he did say butter and animal fat was the best thing to eat and that margarine and processed fats were like slow acting poison to the body. No we don't get ill immediately from eating something the FDA approves because there were no adverse effects like dying from taking something once or twice or in the small amounts in our food over months. But after many years, it piles up in the body and begins to affect our health and that is something they know but won't warn people.

If you are curious about Natural supplements, I suggest watching videos on supplements. If I have any issue, I go to my nearest Vitamin supplement store as they carry more than just vitamins. As I got older, I began to get UTI's quite often and I had heard about how Cranberry is a good thing to help cure or prevent. Curing only if its just starting, if its full blown, you may need an antibiotic. So I now take cranberry supplements daily with vitamins as a preventative and after having a UTI every other month and the yeast infections caused by the antibiotics, in 3 years time, I have not had a single UTI. If I have congestion, or feel nauseous and so on, I will walk into such a store, mention what I have and ask what they sell that addresses that health issue. I then look at all the products recommended and try one. If it doesn't work, then another made with different ingrediants may work better. When it comes to herbal supplements and treatments, our bodies are all different in how they respond and one things works great for me but doesn't work on another person. One thing I will suggest as it is simply immune system booster to help your body fight to recover on its own from the normal colds is Echinacea, and prefer the tincture in a bottle. If you have the beginning of a stomach flu, keep the following product on hand to use as soon as you feel the first nauseous feelings, before you g et to throwing up stage and it will either lesson the impact or in a couple occasions, stop it from happening as the one time I felt it right after arriving at work, went home, took the supplement, took a nap, woke up feeling great and went back to work. It is called Ocillococcenum. Lastly, when Echinacea wasn't helping to get better, I once asked a friend who used this kind of stuff and he said I needed to Try Oil of Oregano. It works on the stubborn virus's that treatment for bacterial infections doesn't help. There are many brands. It aint cheap but it works. Earlier this year, I had bad conjestion which was draining into my lungs so I used both an OTC expectorant to loosen plegm and echinacea. However after two weeks of no improvement but not heading towards pneumonia which I am susceptible to, I had next paycheck and bought Oil of oregano which i had been out of. After 3 days of taking a gel tab 3 times a day, it was gone and I felt fine. Hubby can't take that stuff as it irritates his stomach. Like I said, some work for people, some don't. THe Ocillococcenum for stomach flu is so effective that the average groceries around where I live now carry it. I hope this helps you get started. Sorry but I didn't have any book titles for you.

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I was in the poultry department today and the nice looking guy behind the counter asked me what was I cooking, I said fried fish, spaghetti, mac n cheese and peach cobbler and he said oh that sounds good, and he said ill bring the wine...I just lol....was he making a move and my silly but was too silly to see that....

I do this kind of joking with people, men and women and I don't think anyone has ever taken me seriously. Of course I am older, like 60. I can't say whether he was flirting. Usually, if a person really wants you to know they are interested in you, the one incident you think may be flirt, is not if it is the only time it has occured. If when you see him again behind the counter he says other things that sound flirty, then he may be interested. In that case you could ask, I do know whether you are joking or serious, which is it? That puts him on the spot to give you an answer. If he says, I was kidding but now that you ask, I guess I am kinda serious, then you quickly trade numbers and call him later. He's at work and can't begin any length of convo right then

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Should i break up my marriage of 7 years?
My husband is a gambler and we are always broke.
I recently met another man in church
He is a widower and lives with his sister
I like him but am not sure if he just likes me because i have a place to live
I am 53 , Gentlemen in question 63
Please help
Thank you

Okay, I just saw this sent to me. I drew your question from those sent to everyone to answer.

Does the man in church know you are married and the situation? If he is a widower, that's another story from what I answered before. If a marriage is reasonably good and both are social creatures, then it is like culture shock to find yourself all by yourself. It can be quite lonely. I suggest you find out if he moved in with his sister simply for companionship and contributes to rent or utilities and such. At this age, a 10 yr difference isn't a big deal. At 63, he is no little kid without life experiences. So now, he may be interested in xase the right person came along, in a new wife or simply a committed relationship for the rest of his life, and that would mean you have to be free emotionally to go after him. I say emotionally free, because as I said, even if your husband did jump through all the hoops and was cured of gambling, do you still love him, or would you be able to learn to love him again? Your situation may not be gambling related alone. Again, a marriage counselor can ask all the right questions to get you thinking and know if there is any hope you can love him still, or whether by the information I sent in the other, on finding Mr. Right, that you realize that gambling aside, he never was the right guy for you.
I was a church goer too. I was waiting for 'God to heal my marriage' as the church flippantly tosses around to couples in trouble. One day, God said to me, that phrase about me healing a marriage is not correct. I don't just step in and force the partner to change into a wonderful mate. That would mean I am selectively taking away his free will to follow my examples and be a good husband or not. God also reminded me of the vows made at the wedding. Leaving him, would not be bad as some churches I went to taught, that God doesn't believe in or like divorce. However I know God is way more practical than we tend to think. In a marriage of 30 years, I never felt loved, never was treated as a Queen, I was his mother, cook, maid, childcare, go fer, receptionist for his in home business sideline, an outlet for his sexual urges which were not very often, and the list goes on. Always what I could do for him, not what he could do for me. If this is the kind of husband you have had, then as I was told by God, he isn't upholding his vows, to love and cherish, and take care of you. If you are broke due to hard times, that is one thing and as long as the love and caring is there, one can make it work. I do. My 2nd husband and I are always riding the edge of being out of money but never quite run out as God is looking out for us and brings people across our path whom we are able to assist in some way and they pay us for our help. So really, this is more about not upholding his vows. Gambling all your money away is in my opinion, breaking those vows. And I was told, if the husband has broken those vows, then I am freed from my end of the committment and vows. Just be friendly and friends with the church man until you are truly in your mind done with the husband. Another thing God did for me the beginning of the year I would leave him, was to give me a vision in which I was standing near a long red ribbon and I was holding a bog pair of scissors to cut it with. I saw him and myself, like watching yourself in a dream. We were connected by this cord at our solar plexus. God told me that if I was finally ready to leave him, that I would have to cut that ribbon in my vision and He said it also meant, this was final, there was no going back, I would proceed on to the actual planning and leaving him and moving on with my life. If you are in this boat, I would suggest you use your imagination and do this, but don't think of it as just your imagination but something God sees and He will help you take the steps to be freed of him for once and for all. I see my ex due to a married daughter living in his house and it is so wonderful how I have no feelings of love, or regret or guilt. He is simply an acquaintance from my past. remember the man you met is just at a beginning level, acquaintence, fellow church member, maybe friend but nothing more...at least I don't think so as you didn't say so.

Don't look to him or another guy as your way out of where you feel stuck right now. It isn't fair and you end up using the person like a crutch. Be healed and come to a new partner as a whole person, as an overcomer, not like a victim. I was tested twice with men I met after a divorce. They were nice for a few times until they relaxed and showed their true self. Can't say you will be tested in such a way, but don't be surprised if it happens. It is part of you knowing you learned your lesson to find a man who treats you like a Queen, and not settle for less. Since you wonder if another likes you, my guess is that you may have lost any feelings of love you once had for the hubby. That happened with me. But as I have explained, you have to be okay with any decision you make, in your mind and heart sure. Yes, it isn't fair and you have enough reason to be real angry with him. I asked God to heal my heart so that, even though I left the ex, I was able to forgive him for how I was treated at his hand and mine was verbal abuse 24/7. I never caved in mentally as God was the one who upheld me all the way but the time came when He knew The ex had had enough chances to change, even being part of mens groups at church like a popular one called "Promise Keepers". He was literally like the wolf in sheeps clothing among the males of such programs at church. I still feel as though I don't have the real picture here. I don't even know if the hubby is a late marriage or 2nd one for you. If it is a second one, There may be a lesson you have to learn personally before you can move on. I had a lesson. I can't say what yours is if this is the case for you but I certainly wouldn't think of finding another husband until I learned what I was supposed to. In my case, God was telling me I didn't love myself. When I said I did and was confused why I'd hear that, He said that yes I love myself, but talking percentages, there was a small percent where I failed and the tbing I failed in pretty much wiped out all the other ways I loved myself. Mine had to do with loving myself enough to no longer subject myself to behavior from anyone (husband, family, friends, acquiantances,etc) where I was treated like less than a human being, not loved and not taken good care of, abused, etc. That stopped my complaint as I realized that is exactly what I had been doing for nearly 30 years. Although I did okay with choosing good people to be around, but in a marriage partner, it had taken me way too long to realize this. God meant for me to learn by allowing me to meet someone who would be the catalyst for me to learn this lesson which couldn't have happened is the man was a candidate for best husband of the year. So in that, I am grateful but I was too oblivious plus too trusting of what I heard in Church, rather than what God had to say just for me. I do suggest you spend more time asking God what to do. If you leave hubby, like I did, you'd only be following the recipe I did, and it may not be the way God has planned for you. Not saying this means you are stuck. But I'd ask God why I was married o a man who was doing this and what if anything you are meant to learn from it. If you have trouble hearing from God, then find a woman at church whom you know truly does hear from God and ask your Questions and have her let you know if God has an answer for you. I am 60 and have been 9 happy years with a jewel of a man and it will be 10 years this summer. So having been where you are, I understand and I want you to be happy as well. If you feel the need to talk to me about anything else in this situation, or something comes up, etc...whatever, I will try to do my best to help and encourage and give you some good ideas. I don't tend to share all my God and church related stuff unless I know the person asking is a believer as well.

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Should i break off my marraige of 7 years
My husband has a gambling problem and we are aleays broke
I met another man 2 months ago i love him but he is living with his sistet
I dont know if he loves me of is just looking for a place to stay
Im confused
Please help

I have a lot to cover so this will be about the length of 3 pages.

Since an adult can not be forced to go for counseling, I suggest you mention it is 'critical' that he go with you to marriage counseling AND that he want to stop Gambling and join Gamblers Anonymous for help. What they say is: Gamblers Anonymous is a twelve-step program for people who have a gambling problem. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop gambling.

And that here is the big issue, the desire to want to get better and to save his marriage to you.

The reason I mention this route first, is that you have to know that you have done absolutely everything known to you to support him through getting better. I know as I was in the same position but instead of gambling, hubby had other issues. Thing is, he kepts insisting he did not have a problem and only went a couple of times to counselor to fool me into thinking I shouldn't leave him, that he was working on it. Then I overheard him on phone telling someone he had nothing wrong with him but went only to placate me and stay married. Finally he admitted he never had loved me. That I knew meant this was the end and I divorced him. I was with him 30 years compared to your 7. I regret not leaving sooner considering he did not want to change for the better. I don't know how long it has been going on. He may not want to change, in which case, at least you can be at peace about having to do such a traumatic life changing event. It isn't a step to be taken just because you are unhappy. Attempting to seek solutions first is best. As a result of doing so, I had no guilt at going for a divorce. If he doesn't think you have the balls to leave him, and your leaving may be what prompts him to agree he has a problem and go to the two places you mentioned, then you could try being separated for a while. My first husband was vindictive, so when I went to stay with a friend for a week, he called our cell company and had my cell shut off immediately, no warning. You know you deserve better than you currently have dear. Either it will be with him or with someone new.

There is a problem though, I feel you may be one who falls in love easily without knowing if a man is right for you. You don't know with the one you're seeing. You don't know him well to even know if he fell on hard times and is staying with his sister temporary til he gets on his feet or if he is a baby in an adult body who needs another adult to take care of him. If there is sex involved, keep in mind that Men do not see sex as something they do when they fall for someone. They can feel Love but many simply feel lust and would never tell a gal who is willing to have sex as that means they could lose a sex partner. I wouldn't start looking for another guy until you settle things with the husband. If gambling is the only problem and both of you love each other, he treats you like a Queen and you can't imagine life without him, then thats all the more reason to not go looking elsewhere and give him a chance, to show he really wants to deal with his problems and get better. When I say give a chance, in a few days of thinking about any ultimatum you give him, thats enough time to make his move, not waiting for some obsure date in the future to call a counselor and start attending gamblers anonymous. You can search the web for chapters near you. So if by a week or two, you see no changes like wanting help, then it is time to separate and if the separation doesn't change his tune immediately, again not waiting weeks, then you file for divorce. I know it is hard and a hassle especially when you have no money to pay for a lawyer. You may have to go live with family and work to save up for a lawyer.

Now here is something you did not ask for but I see that there is a great chance you need the following information on how to Find Mr. Right and how to know he is the right one for you. This means you need to make some lists. The information is vital in knowing if the current husband is right for you, even if cured of gambling. Or you can use it after a divorce to find a good guy. And compare the guy you met with your criteria.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost thirty year marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. (Even if you don't use a dating site, this step is important to help you decide what you need so do it!)
So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Another name for this is 'Needs'. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, that his son did, but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a 3rd time asked out, tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. (A second date could mean he is still checking you out, to see if you were as great as he remembered from the first date. But if he asks a 3rd time, he is reasonably interested in you) Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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I've had a boyfriend for quite some time now, and I'm starting to doubt my feelings for him. He's a sweet guy but he's really bad at knowing how he feels and what he wants. I, on the other hand, have a pretty good idea of what I want in life and I often feel like he doesn't care about me. I tried to talk to him about this but he mostly said things like "I don't know what I want I'm sorry" and also "I don't know how I feel".. Should I stay with someone that doesn't even know if they like me at all? I hate the thought of breaking up with him but right now I just don't know if this is still a healthy relationship.

From how you wrote, this gives the impression that you fell in love with him at the beginning, even though back then he already wasn't good at knowing what he wants in a female and knowing how he feels and showing love in his own way. If this is so, I haven't a clue why you fell for him. Did you think perhaps he was shy and would warm up to you as far as showing his feelings after a long time?

Just in case he is showing love in his own way, I should state the following: Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
Your last line of "I just don't know if this is still a healthy relationship" is what has me thinking that in the beginning, this actually was a healthy relationship. The Problem with my trying to help you is not knowing what your idea of a healthy relationship is versus what I know constitutes a healthy relationship.
For any two people, there are two relationships, just friends only, and more than friends which is the romance and possibly sex too. So if you are looking for the more than friends relationship, maybe even hoping for long term or life long sweetheart, then I can only assume that either you didn't wait to see if he loved you before you got into a relationship with him, or you are saying that in the beginning he said "I love you" and you believed him. True love is proven not by saying I love you or by having sex with someone. True love is shown by how they treat you, what they do for you, how your feelings are considered, how you come first to the guy before his own needs. Or you are saying that in the beginning, just like now, he did not know how he felt about you and you somehow thought that was good enough for a romantic relationship as long as he didn't seem to act as if he hated you.

I was once 20 and engaged to be married to a man who ended up very wrong for me. He loved some things about me but was never in love with me and admitted that to a counselor in the end, after being married 30 yrs. So I know how easy it is to not really know much when it comes to relationships and hon, to be honest, from how you wrote, either you weren't really concentrating on what you were trying to tell me, or you really don't have a clue. Thats okay though, as long as we ask for advice which you are doing.

So what I have to share is not an easy answer of stay or leave him. I can provide you with the knowledge and framework to sort out for yourself what is really happening and whether it's good enough for you or whether he falls far short of your criteria in a man. This will be much longer but has to be shared.

Some guys love a woman but haven't got a clue at all that they do. I have seen the scenario in movies, books and in real life from watching friends. I have a short list of questions for you to answer, as this list will tell if a man really loves you or how much and whether its enough for you.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, or a user or controller. Leave immediately.

If not sure about some of this, and you want my opinion if it fits a point on the questions, just write me with the details of the situation and I'll give you an answer.

I don't know his or your age, so I must state here if both of you are in your teens or 20's, that all these years are ones of learning what you do ad and don't need and want. Yes, there are people who are exceptions to this but generally, when its males, most don't tend to even give a thought to what they want and are content going where the blowing wind takes them until they wise up in late 20s but usually into their 30s. I have watched a video dating blog by two guys in their 30s who were regretful of all the wonderful women they skipped over, played with their feelings and never committed to and of course, had no clue what would be the perfect woman for them. My 2nd husband had an idea of what he was looking for, he was divorced as I was and needed two things for certain or he wouldn't have even considered me at all. My list was bigger, 5 or 6 items he has to meet before I would even consider dating to check him out further.
Sometimes we go just for what we want, which isn't always what we need and there is a difference. A need is something which if missing in the guy, is a deal breaker because it is that vital to you that the man who you does have that quality you need. What I will paste in to share next, will help you to determine first if he is what you need and want. SO I will share this with you. If by the end of doing all the things on the list, you have determined that he is indeed the perfect man for you, then the only thing needed is for him to decided what it is he needs. Have him go through the same thing I give you and see if he can come up with a list of what he wants and if you aren't it, no matter that you feel he's right for you, it won't work. Sadly you will have to keep looking.
If was done doing everything my instructions entail you now know as its too obvious, that you have been settling for less, then you know what to do, break it off.

Here it is:

How to find Mr. Right ( also works for finding Miss Right)

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost thirty year marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. (Even if you don't use a dating site, this step is important to help you decide what you need so do it!)
So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Another name for this is 'Needs'. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, that his son did, but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a 3rd time asked out, tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. (A second date could mean he is still checking you out, to see if you were as great as he remembered from the first date. But if he asks a 3rd time, he is reasonably interested in you) Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions. But for me to be able to respond, don't put question in where you rate me, just look up columnists, find Dragonflymagic and from my own column there is a button to click to write to me. Good luck dear.

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Hi, I'm the same person that wrote the one about the guy at school who touched my arm and shoulder. I mentioned there that I have gotten hurt before and it really stung. In 2016 I had befriended this one guy at school. Back then, I was an ambivert and I wasn't afraid to talk to people and make new friends. But anyways,the guy I befriended totally belittled me telling I had not as much friends as him and he said that we were never actually friends. This hurt my perspective on making new friends. I started to lose most of my friends and acquaintances after that. I started falling behind in school and it quickly turned into depression. I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I was turned into a full blown introvert after that incident. I still do want to make friends though, it's just that I'm afraid of getting hurt again. If anyone could give me any advice on this, I'd be grateful. Thanks in advance.

You have depression due to a situation, not due to your bodys inability to make enough 'feel good' hormones. So you have situational depression which you can recover from. Clinical depression is the other and requires medication.

Since you are younger than I was when I had years upon years of the same treatment from a husband, I understand how the stress from having someone belittle you, yell, publicly shame or critisize and all other forms of verbal abuse can affect you.

I married at 20 and about 6 months later, his verbal abuse was flown blown. Stress from such treatment has to go somewhere. I can tell you from living it, that it either affects you physical as in sickness, diseases and such or it affects you mentally where you go from normal thinking to having anxieties, distorted thinking, lowered to non existent self esteem, depression. In me, I was affected by the physical stuff. SO I was able to keep my head on straight. In your case, I am guessing it has messed more with your head. Since you are 18 or even a couple years older, you have not faced dealing with your hurt as long as I had. I stayed for 30 years til all the kids were grown. I realize now that wasn't a very good idea.

In my case, I decided, I was going to learn from my situation, signs of the issues in him, so I could spot the same in others. Other people simply shut down and start distrusting and second guessing actions of all other people. You dont even have to say anything. What you are feeling, those vibes or energy pours off you and others feel it so that is why you have lost friends, not because you are no longer worthy of having friends, you can't blame a person for not wanting to hang out with someone boring, upset, sullen, distrusting, etc. in short negative stuff.
I know you don't mean to turn people away but this is why, just so you know. And it can be fixed.

Not everyone who is attracted to you for friendship or more is going to be a normal, happy healthy person. I met my 2nd husband through a dating site. But I met plenty of guys who seemed nice in writing on line or talking on phone so I met in person. They were nice at first but soon their real self showed through. that how it was with my ex husband. I thought I was marrying a Godly church going man. Far from it. Oh he went to church but the persona he showed others was not what he was. I was belittled so many times i can't remember and usually in public settings so I was humiliated as well. When family and friends told him to stop doing that to me, he told them to shut up and did as he pleased. I could have let all the crap he heaped on me, keep me from moving on but I didn't. I did wait till the kids were out of the house but I know now it would have been better to take the kids and divorce him much earlier. There are no manuals to follow to know what to do. So just do your best and don't worry about the same thing happening. It has to, to some extent so you can have the opportunity to handle it the best way again and again. I was tested twice after the divorce by some guys who were as bad as my ex and they kept it hidden for a short while but when pretendin and covering up, it can't go on long term as it uses too much personal energy to keep up the charade. So if even the best of us can be fooled initially, that's part of life. That moment you know you've been fooled, its best to leave and move on. Staying is the foolish choice and that's what I did when in my early 20s. I didn't know any better then. But I do now so I like to help others avoid what i went through.

With the specific info you gave regarding what he did and said, I can give some advice that should help with making new friends. It doesn't matter if you reach out first or they do, if they end up showing a real ugly part of who they really are, don't associate with them anymore. I know you might see such a person out and about, but seeing them is not going to hurt you. Just nod if you wish that you saw them but you don't have to talk to them. My hubby has a person who pushed himself on us wanting to be friends. He took lots of advantage of hubby and screwed him out of money, so we stopped associating with him. After a year, he had the gall to come knocking on our window when parked at the grocery store and we told him to go away, that we don't want to see him anymore and we are talking a man who is in his 70s but still thinks and acts much like the ex con with a rap sheet that he is. We told him to leave or we'd call police. After he left, we still talked to police who said there is such a thing as banning a person from being near you simply because they are a nuisance. There simply are some nasty people in the world.

So I hope you are hearing me that even if a person seems nice initially, even if it only lasts a day or hours, as soon as you see something you don't like from them, shrug it off and stop seeing them or being a friend or partner. It doesn't mean you were stupid or didn't spot something ahead of time. In most cases you can't spot something ahead of time and the only time you can truly make a stupid choice is when you see the bad behavior or are at the receiving end of bad treatment and either stay with the person, or you let the experience scare you so bad you are afraid all people might be out to get you and so you stop being friendly towards others and act as a victim rather than a survivor. If you find you can't let the past go and can't stop your downward spiral, you may need a treatment called CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Not all psychologists are familiar with or use this. However, it is something that works phenomenally especially for the majority of people who don't have clinical depression. There are ways to prevent from getting depressed in the future too when feeling low so if that ever occurs, let me know and I'll give you the list of Psychologist approved methods of dealing with it that are so easy and simple. CBT is for dealing with correcting distorted thoughts that will lead you to take actions or behaviors that are not normal for you. Changing to an introvert is not usual every day behavior for people and in your case, its a clear example of CBT, how your thinking about the situation caused you to act in ways that current friends no longer enjoyed being around you and it was impossible to make new friends. When I look back at who I was before dealing with my social anxiety long before anxieties were a thing, The person I am now would not want to hang out with the old me if I was totally honest. If you can be totally honest with your self, you'll likely notice the same thing.

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Hello, I'm 18 and I'm a guy. I just recently went to live with my dad. I changed schools 2 months ago and I am a senior. At this new school, one person has been treating me nicely. He’s in my first period and he’s given me quite a bit of attention. He’s said things to me a few times randomly. He said hi to me when he saw me in the hall last week. He woke me up one day in class when I fell asleep. Yesterday, he even gently rubbed my arm for a few seconds when he walked past my desk. And today, when he walked past my desk again and this time he (again gently) rubbed me on my right shoulder to my back to my left shoulder. After that, I started thinking if maybe he liked me. I already knew he saw me in a friendly way. I’m bisexual so I’m cool if he does like me. But I just don’t know about engaging in anything because I’ve been hurt before pretty badly and I’m scared of making past mistakes. What advice can anyone give me? I want to befriend him but like I said, I’ve been hurt and I just don’t want to repeat my past mistakes.

I was pretty intelligent at your age and thought I was real mature and knew a lot. Looking back, I realize that plain old life experiences can teach a lot if we let them.

What you are doing is allowing your bad experiences to 'clip your wings' so to speak, so you can not take flight and enjoy your life. A person who allows bad experiences to keep them so cautious they are afraid to move on in life, he/she is a victim. And victims don't recover. A victim can be a victim their whole life.

Instead, be a survivor, and rise above your bad experiences. I know it sounds great but is hard to do in reality. Why? Because most of us have not looked at what went wrong, and learned from it. Don't think I don't know what I am talking about. I will give my example now. I had a past marriage where the ex was verbally abusive not just at home but in public, anger issue, high standards for everyone but himself. After a divorce, I could have hidden away and kept private, not out meeting people for fear of meeting another guy who would treat me like that. So what I did instead, and this is what I suggest for you to do as well, is I began a mental list of the signs I could see in him that showed he was unreasonable and would belittle me. Yes, there are signs but we often don't see them as signs until after we've been burnt, and sometimes we don't notice them at all. I knew I didn't want to be alone, I am too social. So I used this list and did not have tolerance of much. Example, met a guy whom seemed really nice. It was the 4th date and at his house for a home cooked dinner by him. The moment I walked into his spotless organized house, he began to say to please excuse the terrible mess and then began to blame his hispanic maid, using racial slurs and other demeaning descriptions. No, it wasn't directed at me, yet but would be in the future, my ex was like that. Nice to me but talking bad of everyone else until he decided attacking only me was the thing for him. So when I saw it in this new date, I finished dinner and went home and never went back to him.
I hope you see that I used the 'warning signs' in his behavior to shut him down before he began to attack me as my ex did. Maybe it is dishonesty and lying or cheating in your story, and there are warning signs there too. So if you want to share what in your past relationships has you afraid to take a chance now, let me know, maybe I can give some more advice. If you write me though, you need to start a new question by going to search advice columnists and writing to me dragonflymagic from there. I am glad to hear you don't want to repeat mistakes, so if you do brave meeting someone new, then be forewarned that you will be tested once or twice, I was twice, with bad character issues these people kept hidden from me at first, even though I was looking for them. It is not a failure or repeating of mistakes if someone is putting up a false persona to hook you in the beginning.Guys with something to hide could only keep up the charade for a short time, a handful of visits or a month or dating, somewhere in there. Eventually comes the day they slip up and show their true self. No, it is not an accident or one time mistake where they are normally great people. You first need to realize that whatever a person tries to keep under cover in order to catch your interest, is not an one time urge to do something bad but a whole mind set and character full of more of the same. And in some people, what they try to hide from you is like a pressure cooker, eventually that one incident you saw and thought that was all, is revealed as the total opposite when something sets them off and they explode all over you or you come across clues and call them on it and they baldly still lie even when the evidence to the contrary is staring you both in the face. I may sound pessimistic and that is not true at all. My logic is that if you start a job or you hire someone for a job, and it doesn't work out, it is much easier to start again with a new employer than it is to start again with a new relationship. So the way I thought of it was that guys I met would be applying for the available position of boyfriend. So to choose from among them, I had to have a list of criteria they had to be able to meet, just like a job applicant. I had that list. Having one helps make you feel more secure. And you are if you don't settle for less if someone applying, can't meet your criteria for a gf/bf.

Also, just because someone is interested in you, you don't have to like them back as more than friends. You mention stuff that has me thinking he is interested in you as more than friends, as a lover. Thats no problem as long as you feel the same feelings. Its the same rule as we go by in hetero relationships. If some girl was going gaga over you and really wanted you to be her boyfriend, but you felt no chemistry for her, can you see yourself going along with it, acting as boyfriend even though you didn't feel that kind of chemistry, the kind to be romantic and kiss, etc. Would you simply act and go through the motions, pretending just so she won't have her feelings hurt by being turned down? I don't think you would go along with this all with a female. So why do it with a male. Unless you have an attraction to him in the same way he has for you, you have no business giving him encouragement to be a lover. You can let him know that right now, you are hurting from a past relationship so not ready to start a romantic one. Let him know you are bi, because if he is not, he may be jealous of any girls you date, or feel you are pretending with him when you are actually hetero. I know with many people, it doesn't occur to them that it could be a liking of both sexes as far as sexual preferance goes, so being bi is the last thing most people think of. So you let him know that you would like to be friends but don't feel the chemistry with him. So you would not be doing anything romantic with him, just a male friend if he can be happy with that.

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I have met a person who has become a very important person in my life. From the beginning he's always asked me for honesty, and I have tried my best to give that to him. However when I open up it makes him question who I am and things I've said before because things "don't add up" or because I have kept a few things from him and later told him. We are now on good terms and are working on all our issues. Just today I was thinking about what we were talking about and what he was asking of me, and realized yet again I forgot to mention I have a class with someone I used to associate with, not an ex, not a hookup or a random fling, but a person I would text and would caught up with after a few years. I know I should tell him but I fear losing him, I also fear its too late and that I can't say anything now because it'll make it seem I was keeping it for a reason. But that is not the case on everything that I am there is nothing between us I do not speak to this person. What do I do? And how should I come about mentioning it?

If this guy values honesty and trust in a relationship, then it may be a matter of time before he decides to leave you.

Trust is something that takes time and something called 'consistancy' before you can really trust a person. After that period of time, you should be able to share anything and everything about your past. My 2nd husband and I will tell each other everything. I have heard stories of when he was young, how he met his ex, and other stories about their life together as far as making a point about something was concerned. He has heard everything about me too, the guy I was dating when I met him. The other guy and I knew we were just fun friends until we met the one we wanted to settle down with. He has heard of abuse at hands of my ex. And also how I left him, and many of the significant guys I dated, where I learned something. We both know there will be no jealousy. Jealousy is a fear of losing something, so you fear him becoming jealous and leaving you if you are honest.

So to be honest with you hon, A man I could Trust was a big thing for me. I didn't want to find out later after already dating that he was the jealous type. Not all men are. I just put all the info and stories out there. Most normal guys really don't care about a past boyfriend because they realize everyone has a past. If I were you, I would do the hard and embarrassing thing and admit to him that you haven't trusted him because you imagined he might get jealous any time you mention your past and have old boyfriends woven into the stories. You tell him you are coming clean with him now about your 'problem with trust' because you don't want him to think there were specific things you were trying to hide on purpose. Ask him if he can forgive you.
If he does, then the next step is giving yourself some time to learn by experience that he won't get jealous and this is when you start telling him everything and anything you would have been afraid to share before.
I don't know how long you have been together. If you met him weeks ago, then that is too soon to have a solid trust by watching how he consistently acts or reacts to hearing about guys in your past. the trust can be about sharing other stuff too.

When people meet, they are on their best behavior and want to impress the new person. so many will assume a false identity, presenting the other person with what we think they want or need. The thing about hiding the truth from someone, it cause more problems than telling the truth. For one thing, they might fall for what they assume is the real you but it isn't. So after some time when you think they have fallen for you, you start to show your real self. When they see that you are not at all the kind of person they thought you were, it destroys any love there was and they break up. I will share a story of mine, one my husband knows well as we traded our computer dating site horror stories with each other. I told men in my profile that I was allergic to cigarette smoke so I did not want to date a smoker because I did not want someone trying to quit just to be with me and resenting it all the way. Thats not a good way to start a relationship. Well, one guy wrote and sounded okay so I set up a first meet face to face at a coffee shop. It went well. We had a 2nd and 3rd date of just meeting somewhere, park, or where ever public. Then I was invited to a movie night. Got to his place and he asked me to go in his car to where video rentals are so I could help decide what I wanted to see. My car was parked at his house. From the moment I got in his car, it stunk real bad from stale cigarette smoke. I asked if he didn't mind my opening the window all the way. He didn't so I opened it and then said, "I need the fresh air because it smells awfully strong of cigarette smoking in here. I thought you said you did not smoke?" His answer, 'I don't smoke. My son borrows the car alot and he is a smoker.' I had no reason to disbelieve him so the night proceeded. He thought because it was a 4th date that he had me hooked on him. Also, people can not keep up a false hood or false personality for long as it takes so much personal energy to uphold that and keep the info correct. I know you already know how hard it is to remember what you have and haven't told him and exactly what you said.
So . . .later that evening, the guy was so comfortable with me that he let down his guard, not meaning to, but as I explained, its a natural thing we do when we get comfortable. And he reached inside a pocket and pulled out cigarettes to put one in his mouth and I pounced on him immediately. "I thought you said you did not smoke? Looks like you do." He could hear how upset I was. He had lied and he was hoping I'd put up with it and settle for less because of having feelings for him. I don't let my feeling be the leading cause for my choosing a partner. Did that with first husband and that ended badly. I told him that I didn't feel this would work out and
left. For the next couple days he left hateful voice mails on my phone.
Using him as an example, and I know it was 4 dates, lets say it was 4 weeks. In all that time, if he never smoked, I would be growing a trust for him that he is telling the truth and only his son does. I have no idea how he expected to hide it from me once we became a couple. The first time a guy slips up and shows something you don't like, if you never told him before or it never came up before, then you let him know how much it bothers you. Did this with my husband. When he realized how much a simple thing he did made me upset, he was so upset himself to see me distraught and promised never to do it again. We are together 9 years and he did this in the first year. But he has never, even once ever repeated that action. However if I had thought to imagine that situation might come up and told him at the first meet up along with all the rest of my criteria for a mate, then if he did it, knowing it was taboo on my list, that is an inconsistency. It may not seem fair to not give a guy a chance when he first does something he knows is a no no. But I have learned over time, that seeing just the first time something bad in his character or personality, did not mean it was a mistake. No, it was a choice when he didn't care enough about my feelings. He had another agenda, his own where he thinks of himself first. This happened with several guys who sounded nice at first couple dates. One I thought was really going to work out, invited me to a dinner he cooked at his home. When I arrived, this day, he let down his guard or maybe it was because he was at home he felt secure and he became his real self which resembled my verbally abusive ex, very much. No, he didn't direct it at me, it was hateful stuff and racial slurs against a maid he said he had and how she did a terrible job with his place so he was asking me to excuse the mess. what mess? I thought? The place was spotless and organized and neat. I knew by now that where I see one bad thing, there is more laying hidden beneath the surface. And from first marriage, I knew it would be a short time before he focused his hateful and abusive words at me and would be totally inable to keep happy due to hid perfectionistic views that were totally out of kilter. So, learning from the smoker who blew up at me, I ate dinner and went home and never called him back. After a week he called and I told him i had given it a really good try, seeing him all those times but I just didn't feel any chemistry. This he understood and he didn't get mad at me. I didn't tell the truth only in that circumstance because I was not in a relationship with him and was attempting to protect myself from backlash of having a guy like this start stalking me, or being vindictive somehow. I don't care if he thought I thought he was an okay guy, as long as I wasn't in a relationship with him.
Are you getting a picture of what inconsistencies look like? I hope so because you need to be looking for them if this is a new relationship. Most people get together over a physical attraction but have no idea about their character or personality and their views and morals on things. If you see him all the time, like several times a week and its been a month, he has had enough time to start showing his real self. If you have met once a week, that is not enough, 4 days to know whether you can trust him. Since you dont mention time here, I can only guess and try to cover everything. If he is asking for honesty on the first date instead of simply not giving you a heads up on it and just observing you for consistency, it makes me think that perhaps he is asking for it because there was a great lack of it in the last relationship. You may be doing the same thing as the last girl. I'll bet you don't really know his story with his ex if there is one. If you are his first, I find it an odd request to make at the beginning. All he has to do is watch you open up and share things you never have before and he will see the inconsistencies. Since I only gave a person the one chance to mess up, if a guy did what you do to him, that guy would already be crossed off my list. Yes, I did meet several guys who said one thing and changed it days later to the total opposite, like I hate coffee shops and days later saying he loved them. I questioned this one guy I'll use for an example, I was,'t accusing him, just thinking that maybe he was thinking one thing but saying the opposite accidentally. So I nicely asked him which one it was because I had now heard both and it couldn't be both. He blew up and started yelling at me over the phone stating that a guy should have a chance to change his mind without being interrogated. I hung up and cut off contact. That one was inconsistant with a healthy dose of anger problems. More of what my ex was like. I'd be stupid to go back to what I just left my ex for. I was being careful. If your guy has had some bad experiences with trusting a partner, then it is one of his criteria for finding a gal he wants to be with. It is understandable if you've been together a month or more that he is asking for this. Since he keeps reminding you of it, I am guessing he likes you but isn't too sure yet if he can trust you because of the inconsistencies he has already caught in you.
You may already be very close to losing him so If I were you, I would tell him everything, even all the tiny details. So you have a class with someone? Big deal, you are not dating two people at the same time, and keeping it a secret from both men, Right? If so, then this guy you are so afraid of mentioning, is someone in your past.

I used to be afraid in first marriage and with other people and had social anxiety as a kid and teen. I also had low self esteem and that affected not just a dating relationship but many many others because lack of trust in any kind of relationships, friends, family, etc . . . is not a good thing and will affect those relationships and usually will disintegrate them. You may need to do some work on building up your self esteem, not pretending to do it but actually learning and changing. Self confidence which comes along with good self esteem is how others see you, confident. Self esteem is the same thing but how you see yourself. So if you were even half as confident as I am of myself, you would not fear losing a guy, you would instead be glad a guy leaves you because it proves he wasn't a strong and confident and healthy thinking, non jealous man.

So I can tell you to tell him everything but lack of confidence in yourself will continue to cause you to present only the edited stories with stuff left out because you fear a man getting jealous. Heck, to that I say, Great! If I say all the things I can think of that will make an insecure, low self esteemed man show his jealousy, I'd be glad to find out sooner than later so I can tell him, sorry, I don't feel enough chemistry and leave the relationship. What you are thinking of as a bad thing, is actually a good thing hon. Maybe you have always chosen insecure men in the past. Maybe you need to learn then how to spot a confident, non jealous man. If I were you and knew I had a strange way of choosing guys who end up terribly jealous, then why drag it out long, like 6 months or a year before the guy leaves you due to jealousy. why waste all that time you could have been searching for the right guy? CHange how you think about this and things will get better. If you find you can't, you might want to find a 'life coach'. These people will sit with you one on one and teach you the kinds of stuff I am cramming into just this one chance to reach you in a way that will help you. It costs hourly for a life coach same as seeing a counselor, or a psychologist although I don't see that this is mental illness, just fear of losing him and if that fear doesn't extend into many situations in your life as a mental illness would affect, then you simply need to use your willpower, stop doing he things that will hurt a relationship and start doing the right things. If you dont know what the right things are, I encourage you to find books at the store or library that focus on trust in relationships, maybe on how to communicate and understand the opposite sex and books on dealing with your self confidence.

Best wishes for a happy healthy relationship

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Hey, so I'm gonna keep this short. Basically, I'm a first-gen college student and first-gen American. My mom doesn't make a bunch of money. I'm basically going to college thanks to the grace of a higher power and an academic scholarship. I had no college fund set up for me whatsoever growing up, so I'm at a college minutes from home and am living at home. A college fund left for me by my deceased aunt got screwed up by her husband, and I will never see that money. My dad's a deadbeat, who doesn't contribute much. My mom keeps taking a cut of my scholarship earnings every time it gets dispersed, even though I am unemployed; I'm currently stressing about finances as we speak since I live off about 1 grand for months. My family has done nothing but screw me up time after time. How do I get my mom to get off my back and stop bothering me for money?

I agree with Ambivalence. You need to reach out for help and you could find a good start in simply asking the school counselor where you go to college. Your mind is weighed down by your issues, and if like me, when my mind is struggling with some tough things, I can't even think straight as to look for whom to get help from. I know someone like your Mom, she wouldn't try to find any job, even a fast food place , anything to bring in a little money and had been living off the funds her children got, like from their Dads social security when he died while they were still kids. Once they reached 18, they would no longer get these funds. She used all their money to pay for household bills and is now in a bad place because only one child remains below that age and she still begs the older ones to help her. She isn't even willing to contribute a little to her own upkeep. Doesnt matter how often I talk to her and I am guessing there is some mental issues or problems with her but she won't go to see a professional and thinks she's just fine. Your Mom should be going to her local Dept of Social and Health services where people sign up for food stamps, cash help with bills, like utilitues if they are disabled or unemployed and there is always gettig on a waiting list for low income housing which if the same in all states would be only a portion of whatever little income you get. Your tuition does not count as her income. So if a counsselor doesn't help steer you in the right direction, you can get help from your local DSHS. I was once in another state after leaving my husband and my sister took me to the local office where I actually qualified simply as I was living with her and left an abusive situation. So I know this exists in other states. You just need to find a contact number and address. Ours is always too busy to get through on the phone. We go in person and you don't need an appointment, its first come first served. Well worth your checking it out to see what help you can get. You never know but the fact that you were raised here but the parents are from another country and Dad a deadbeat, all the stuff you told us, as insignificant as you may think, if they hear something they know can help you, its worth giving them every detail. good luck hon.

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Hello! I am 24 and a female and I wanted to ask some questions about my mental heath. I know I am going to get some replies telling me that you aren't a doctor and that isn't what I'm looking for, I just want some friendly advice on what you think or from experience!

Last October, I saw my doctor and he had diagnosed me with obsessive compulsive disorder and anxiety. He put me on 5 mg's and then went up the next time I went in for a check-up and I just had recently gotten pushed up to twenty. That is because, I am in between jobs right now and I have been off for two weeks waiting for clearances to pass so I can start my new job so I've had a lot of free time to sit and just think. I've been worrying about really silly things like out of the blue, I thought my boyfriend was mad at me or seeing someone else and I just cried to him about it because I worried so much that I couldn't stop thinking about it (yes we talked about it and we are perfectly happy and content and with all the time he spends with me, I know there is no way he is seeing someone else, even asked his mom if she thought he was different and she said no). Then I would worry about getting sick, I was going through a girl's instagram page who had gotten a spinal cord injury at 24 (my age) and I was just worrying that something like that would happen to me. So, I called my doctor and told him all of that and he upped my medicine to 20. Now, I've kind of been more in check and noticing, even very small, thoughts that come into my head. One thing I have definitely noticed is that I have been thinking about death a lot recently. I did just lose my grandpop a week ago, which could be a factor. While I'm driving, I'll think about someone running into my car. The other day I thought about how someone could be so sad that they would cut themselves to death. I often think about having a problem with my heart (how my grandpop passed) or cancer (how my pop-pop passed) or something like gastroparesis because I saw a youtube video about how that come come out of nowhere.

Now, where my question lies is in the last thing I brought up. I know before you start these medications they tell you all the risks and one for Lexapro, what I am on, is thoughts of suicide. However, I do not get the urge to run my car into traffic or harm myself in any way. When I think about it, it usually comes from an empathy thing (at least with others self harming) or it is always somebody else, like someone running into my car, crashing into me, it isn't ever me crashing into someone else, nor, like I said, do I ever have the urge to do that. I also thought I should mention that the last few days when I have been worrying a lot about the things I mentioned, I never worked myself into a panic, so I do know that my medicine is working for that. Also, I did speak with my mom about this and told her everything. She was on Lexapro when she was my age, stopped, got back on, and had awful thoughts so her doctor put her on something else. She said that she believes what I am thinking is just thoughts, since it is not urges or me feeling like I need to do something to myself, or someone else, that I do not have to worry. Mind you, I am going back to school for my master's in therapy so I am quite intrigued by the brain, mental illnesses, learning about the minds of criminal like Bundy, and why people do what they do. So my mom said with my being interested in this kind of thing, losing both of my grandfather's to tragic illnesses, and having a lot of free time to think about everything, I should not worry about thinking what I've been. I also started the whole conversation with "mom, I think it's something worth mentioning but I don't want you to worried, because I'm not worried" and I'm not. I would be if I had gotten an urge to hurt myself or others, aside from just thinking about other people that do, but, again, I have not. I am starting my new job tomorrow, also, I'm eager to see if by keeping my brain occupied and having purpose again, if this will stop.

Question being: if you have anxiety or depression or anything, do you sit and worry or think about death? Do you think it seems worrisome?

There are two types of mental health Drs. One kind hears your symptoms and doles out medication. The medication is not to cure you but just suppress the issues you have and add side effects.
I have a favorite psychologist turned author and trainer for other mental health Dr.s His background is of being one of these kinds of Doctors. A collegue told him of a new method in treating patients that wasn't a prescription. He listened but kept putting them off and saying he didn't believe in it. Then one day to shut the others up, he decided to follow through with his most difficult patient. He figured she was so bad off that the new method called CBT Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would have no effect. To his surprise, she ended up cured of all her issues, simply by working on her thought life. He went on to study it more and came up with one more method He calls T.E.A.M. but I forget what it stands for. How I heard of him is through a friend who used to suffer depression and tried to kill himself while his wife was busy trying to find someone who could really help him as medications didn't help. She stumbled across a Dr. who was using CBT and told him about this method and the Dr. who was teaching other Dr.s how to use it. He went on to be a counselor in the Army. He was retired when we met and so when I left my verbally abusive husband, as a friend, he helped me to understand I still had some ways I was affected by the abuse. I would zone out while others were talking to me, an escape mechanism to not have to listen to the abusive ex. Once I understood what I was doing and how to overcome it, I changed. He gave this Drs. book to my husband whom he saw mental illness in and wanted him to go see a professional but only those who practice CBT. Such a Dr. focuses first on working with the distorted thinking. He says the majority of people on medications can be cured without medication and if CBT does not work, that's a small percent of population who actually need to take a medication. Right now the majority receive medication and that is so wrong in my opinion.
I read the book our friend gave my husband who did not apply himself and go to a Dr. who did CBT to get better. Since he can't be forced to, and most of my problems with him I now know were treatable but he would never take treatment, I divorced him.

I went on to check out some books of this Dr. from my library. He covers everything, your issues which I know to be cureable but I used to do some thing like it but it was connected to my severe social anxiety I had as a child and teen. Surprisingly, everything he wrote about how to treat anxiety is what I heard from God in prayer when I asked for help to overcome this. It was eeiry to read point by point what the Dr. said he did for people like me and it was exactly what I heard in prayer. So as far as what I had, which many people take anxiety medicine for today, was cured, long before I heard of the Dr.

His name is David D. Burns and he has a website:

https://feelinggood.com There is a lot in there. See if you can find the section where people write in to tell him how CBT cured them. One woman had suffered all her life and was 50 or some age around there before she used CBT, whether from a Dr or one of the books, she was finally healthy.

What you suffer from is something that all humans, even the Dr. himself, has had happen to him at times in life. What it is, is having a distorted thought and what we should do is not dwell on it and try to imagine a whole terrible scenario with ourself in it. And then to keep dwelling on those thoughts over a long period of time. I''ll give an example of an easy one. You are on the freeway and traffic is slowing ahead and now you are creeping and you see the accident at the side of the road. Lets say it was raining and so roads are more slick. You see a car flipped over on the grass next to the slow lane. Everyone is staring as they go by. A healthy response would be, "I hope the driver is okay," or simply start praying for the person. Then you forget about it and stop thinking of it. A person who has distorted thinking will see the accident and think, "Oh my gosh, that could happen to me. Everyone else is able to stop quickly. Maybe he had bald tires. This thought now leads to you worrying about having bald tires. Now you imagine yourself in a turned over car because you have bald tires and went off the road. If you got trapped in there and needed help, you wonder if you can call for help but then, other motorists might report the accident which is a good thing. Then you think, but what if it happened on a secluded empty road with no one to witness it, I'd have to be able to reach my cell phone to call for help. Then you think, Oh my Gosh, what if my cell phone is out of power, or I am out of signal range to make a cell. So now you change your behavior so you never drive anywhere without getting a full charge on your phone. You might even start to figure out the areas where you won't get a signal so you start avoiding those areas. And it all started because you saw an accident and let your imagination take off because it is allowed free rein to do so. I am not saying you do this, its just an example because if I see an accident, the natural tendency of most humans is to imagine 'what if' it happened to me. However most realize the chance of it happening is so very very rare and they chuckle at their thoughts and stop dwelling on them and move on to thinking about whatever else, like the song that is playing or where you are going out for dinner that night.
When my thoughts go that way, I don't ignore them, I ask myself (actually its your subconscious you're talking to) how likely is it for me to flip my car? Then I focus on how unlikely. In my lifetime, and I am 60, I have only once seen a car flipped over. I have never had my cell phone out of energy while traveling and only when in a mountainous area once was I not able to get a signal until I d rove a bit further and that was when visiting a relative in another state, and I do not travel out of state much at all. All the things I tell myself are to negate the what if thought. I read a book once that talked about some aspects of the subconscious I hadn't known before. It is always in the background taking in everything you experience. It is like having another person inside of you, and my experience is that my subconscious is often like a child, seeing things many times not as an adult would be seeing them, so it is often shortsighted or misunderstanding. The biggest issue is things you fear or worry about, the subconscious doesn't see as bad compared to good. It assumes that what you focus on most is something that you want badly and it will do anything to help you achieve those things. So the gal who left the BF who beat her, knows its a bad situation. Her mind is still going over times with him, not the bad but the few good times and the more she thinks of him, the more she feels love for him and wants these feelings to stop. Its a matter of how often she thinks that has the subconscious believing this guy is important to her so it helps supply the love feelings, it does deal with all sorts of feelings. Thats part of how it works. The book I read was a small one written about the ancient Hawaiian beliefs called Huna in which they explained the subconscious in this way. The book is long out of print and belonged to someone I know. Don't know the title in case you wonder. But it sure made some things make sense. Like when you watch a movie, its just acting, not real but you find yourself feeling anger or sadness or fear at certain points, even if it isn't happening to you. this is how easily the subconscious gets caught up in things. So you need to speak to yourself inside your head, or out loud when no one is around to here and simply say, 'Listen here, you are going to stop thinking about that (whatever the 'that' or the 'whom' is) and give a reason why, like the likelihood of that happening is 1 in a million. The subconscious doesn't stop right away because this has become a habit for it as well. It will stop maybe for a few minutes or while your mind is occupied as you stated, with your new job. But you will have moments, like on break, at lunch, at a restroom visit when your subconscious will start spouting off all the stuff that is distorted again. I used this method once myself when a man I was in love with and him with me, had his ex wife come back to him saying she wanted to repair the marriage and get back together. He was crying but it made sense to him to go back with her as they had so much past together and two adult children so he left me. To get over him and the feeling of love and being left out, I had to squash the thoughts of him whenever they came by telling my subconscious mind, "Stop thinking about him and stop feeling the love. He choose her over me and I am never going to see him again and need to move on. So stop. Then ten minutes later, it happened again and I repeated this. In a days time it was easy to have to repeat this several dozen times. The next day was a teeny bit better but it took a full week before I might think of him but the feelings were subsiding and a month later, I was no longer focusing my thoughts on him. I know it works. You can try it yourself but since I am not a mental health Dr. this alone might help a little but you would need to find a Dr. who can work with you in constructive ways, where you really have to participate and be challenged in some cases to meet your unrealistic fears. I still suggest you looking around for Drs in your area who in their ads have the letters CBT as what they offer. Not all Dr.s do it. I am guessing yours does not. Once you locate Dr.s check with insurance if those Drs. accept your insurance or ask for mental health Drs who are trained in CBT. They may not know but once you have a name of one, have your GP write a referral to that actual Dr. not one that he/she feeds clients to, people they know that help boost a friends business by choosing only professionals in their friend network. You may have been referred to the current Dr but you need to say its not working for you and you want to try (give the Dr.s name who does CBT) I have gone through referral issues like this with my GP so this is what you do, and you don't have to go with whom your GP gives you off the top of their head as it will usually be someone who trades patients back and forth and in my case was way out of the area i live in and when I checked with insurance, they assured me of plenty who are closer. I hope this encourages you, to know that you have greater odds of becoming healthy and leaving all this behind in the past than of the chance of you suffering for real, the things you focus your thoughts on.

Good luck dear. You at least are seeking help. I have a daughter almost 10 years older than you who has mental illness and she will not go for help. She did once for depression 9 years ago but at some point stopped taking them because of the side effects and what I told her, she has not followed through on, finding a Dr. trained in CBT. If she had, she would be normal today and back in the familys life. She cut herself off from all relatives and married a man with mental illness worse than hers, from what his Mom has told me, he seems to be more sociopath like besides his regular mental illness stuff. SO if I can help steer you in the right direction, I will be very happy for you and i will have been able to help someone, even if I couldn't help my daughter.
Blessings to you dear.
If you think of it in the future, I'd like to hear how things are going for you and if you got the right help. YOu can do a search specifically for me under 'search Advice columnists' and look for Dragonflymagic.

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I’ll try and keep this quick. What does cuddling mean to you and especially guys because I’ve had this good guy friend for almost 2 years and I recently started liking him about 2 months ago. I always thought he kinda liked me but I especially thought this when our other (female) friend didn’t come to school. So he invited me to hang out at his house and basically he laid on my lap, boob, played fight,cuddled with me, got on top of me and I think he tried to kiss me but I’m still not sure and when our other female friend he declined it twice. Now I know this would obviously make you think he likes me but I’ve gone out my way to show him I like him and nothings really happened between us since that day over a month ago. I wanna tell him I like him but what if I read that day wrong and he was only cuddling with me as a friend because I know a lot of guys just cuddle with females as friends and see it as nothing more. I feel like I’m losing him as a friend what should I do and what do you think that day meant? Is there anything I should look for in him that would tell me if he likes me for sure because I don’t wanna make another move unless I’m certain.

There are different kinds of male friends as I see it. There are ones who don't get too close body contact wise, wrestling, cuddling,etc. because they see you more like a sister or female relative and they can curb willpower to not do anything more but the penis has a mind of its own. It can react for some guys even if they don't have that kind of chemistry with you. Its like willing yourself not to keep hiccuping, you are going to anyways. So they have no desire to treat you as a possible love interest. Then there are others, the ones who may have admired you and felt drawn to you romantically but were not brave enough or like yourself, had no idea how to move the relationship from friends to more than friends.

Its easy if you are already friends. You simply say, Since we are doing so well as friends, I was just wondering how well we'd do as more than friends. What do you think? This means he has to say, Nope it wouldn't work because I don't have those kinds of feelings for you. But if he did he either admits it then or says, yeah, lets try dating and see. At which point he would feel it okay to make his move and do more than cuddle and actually kiss or more.

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My significant other who I Have been dating for two years and living with for a year thinks it is ok to continue seeing a female friend who he has had sex with before while I WAS DATING HIM. He also thinks its ok if I HAVE SEX WITH OTHERS. hE DOES NOT LOVE ME. sAID HE LIKES ME AND likes me living there. I do everything around the house. I have looked at his phone and he has a lock on it now. THis women lives two blocks from him and before her husband passed away she visited him quite often. shOULD i leave him

I can't tell you to leave him or not but will give you many things to think about so you make that decision yourself without any doubt or overthinking it.

First you need to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is when dating and living with a guy.

Is it to have a roommate because you prefer male roommates to female ones?
Are you lonely or maybe very social and you want a male for company, a social friend you have sex with?

You simply want a friend with benefits, nothing more.

You have a hope somewhere deep down to find a man that wants to marry you. If you are young, you may also want a man who wants to have children and would make a great Father as well.

Reality is, women find a guy they like and end up staing with him for years hoping that one day he will pop the question.

Another reality is women who don't need a marriage license, just the commitment from a man they trust 100% to live out their lives together, just without the piece of paper and a fancy wedding. You don't find this as much with younger gals, only older women who are widowed or divorced who don't care about the license. A piece of paper will not change a guys behavior after all and divorce or cheating is always an option too easy to manage.

If you decide you are okay with living with a man who doesn't love you and has not made a commitment to you, then of course stay and be happy.

If you are not happy, why? How did this relationship ever come about if he never loved you? It may be that your idea of what love is versus what love truly is, are very different. Some females think if a guy says he loves you that you can count on the words alone. That is where they run into trouble. Words are cheap. I can go into a job interview and say a bunch of stuff about myself and my capabilities that is not true, sound real convincing and get hired. Then I am trying to keep from being fired because everything I do, all my work and my actions show the boss I haven't got a F&%*ing clue what I am doing. The same with love, men want something from a female, companionship, sex but without any commitment or love. So using my hiring story, if he is spouting words of love to get you, like getting the job position of boyfriend, what you should expect from this (employee) boyfriend? How will you be able to tell that whatever he says, he knows how to do? By watching him of course, by taking account of ALL his actions towards you.
See, a person who truly loves you, will have found the female he wants to be near and spend time with for the rest of his life. He knows all your spots and wrinkles, and instead of them being an issue to him, he knows he has his own and chooses to love you as you are without expecting you to change one little thing about you. (This all goes the same for the female loving a male)When you truly love a person, even mundane tasks and chores are more fun simply because the two of you are doing it together. You both do simple things for each other that you could do yourself but they do it, not because they are asked to, they voluntarily do so out of their love. An example, both are watching TV, one gets up to refill a coffee, one says, I'm getting myself another cup of coffee, is there anything I can get you while I'm in the kitchen.
If he is hetero all the way, males will look at other women or notice them, it is inherent in the nature of how males are. this is not a bad thing if done discretely and they are simply enjoying the beauty but not having a desire to bed her. I am not saying their males parts might not take notice. All the willpower in the world can not stop this from happening, it is a biological body response to what their eyes saw. Its like the penis has a mind of its own and thus the saying about men having two heads. If something like this happens, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It is when he stops looking at you with desire, or never does, that is the telling point here. In my first marriage, the man told a counselor at the end that he never loved me. And I can tell you that in 30 years with him, I never saw desire in his eyes for me. This is something a man cannot fake. You can't even count on an erection as saying he loves and desires you, still wants you. Why? Because he may be thinking of another woman or the girly magazine he recently looked at. What you are looking for is consistency in a person.

A person will tell you things about themselves. they can say they are patient and have no anger problem. Okay, then maybe they mess up once and is the guy truly loves you, it will hurt him to see you upset or in tears and he will feel like a rat if he inadvertently did this to you, without intentionally planning to. This is Love. In my 2nd marriage, my husband (9 yrs now) did something one that upset me. I knew he didn't think it was something that mattered to me so I explained how and why it bothered me and ended up crying. He was horrified that he had done something simple that made me upset. He promised that day he would never do it again and he has been consistent. No other mess ups scattered throughout the relationship on that one issue. He gave his word and kept it, something many men and women don't do today or even care to do because they think they are fine just as they are and don't have to change. So what if his natural tendency is to give a loving slap to your butt. In private, at home you have no problem but done in public, it bothers you because you are a very private quiet person. If he is told that what he did innocently and meant no harm, actually bothered you, then he will never repeat this action. This shows he has respect for you and actually cares how it affects you.

These are just a few things I have shared and there is much more. So far, how do you think your boyfriend is doing? If you think he is following what I said completely, then all your complaints are really just in your imagination.

If he is not following any of this, then you have your answer and this man does not love or care about you. If that is the case, then there is no reason to stay with him and keep pretending you have found your knight in shining armor, for he does not sound like a keeper. Why hang on to him unless you have hoarding tendencies and want to keep him as part of the treasures you bring home, something to look at every once in a while.

Think of a true treasure for you, like finding a ring in the sand at the beach and when you have a jeweller look at, thinking it is cheap, you find out it is a rare antique and worth a ton of money. You are going to be excited about this find and want to tell anyone and everyone, family, friends about this treasure you found. People can do this with a person if they find the perfect person for them, they are everything they ever wanted and more, then they will tell and want to show you off to everyone in their life. You know he doesn't do this.
You look at your situation as him cheating on you. To me, I see it differently. He can't be cheating on a woman whom He is not in love with and has never made commitments to, and doesn't treat like a Queen or a treasure. He simply fooled you or you did not have the life experience to see the real picture here. Calling you his girlfriend without treating you as the one thing that gives him reason to live, doesn't count, same as saying I love you without actions to prove it.

I hope this is beginning to become clear in your mind. The real telling thing that hurts is him telling you its okay if you go have sex with others. He didn't ask if this was something you wanted, he never took your feelings into consideration. Some women, a few who are willing to have sex with someone who is married, or when they have made a commitment to another, and do so not once, but repeat over and over are in actuality training these men to believe there are plenty of women who will be okay with him being the playboy and making no commitment to any of them. the bad thing is they begin to assume all women are capable of being this way, just get the female to think you love them and you will be able to get them to do anything, put up with anything because of the love they feel. First, their love might be real but it is certainly misplaced on a man who doesn't deserve it. Yet many women stay with such a man for what ever reasons, maybe hoping they can change him.

Heres another problem. Any one person can not convince someone to change, no matter what the change is. Change is something that has to come from the inside, a desire, a want to be better, improve. So no matter how long you stay, if he is happy with and believes the life he is living is the perfect one and needs no messing with or changes, nothing you say or do will change it. Trying to continue down this road is like banging your head against a wall, the only person who is gonna hurt, is you.

I will end with something many females don't seem to be able to tell the difference between and that would be lust and love. Too many times They believe that what a guy is doing to win them over is because he is interested in dating them and has feeligs for them, when it goes no deeper than your skin, he simply wants to have sex with you and satisy himself. Very seldom is a womans needs considered when the man is so selfish, thinking of only himself. So the great sex she thinks she is having actually pales in comparison to sex from a man who will be head over heels in love with you for the rest of your life, no matter what you look like because we all age and lose our youthful beauty. Often a man who never loved his wife will divorce her when she starts looking older. Maybe a guy does love to a degree, not fully, only enough to be good enough for him but its not good enough for her.
So if you want more from a relationship, maybe even a man who wants only you and to be with you for the rest of your and his life, doing everything in his power to make you happy and feel loved respected and cherished, then I shouldn't have to say yes or no to leaving him. You already know he isn't ever going to be what you really want.

For the future, look for a man who is already everything you need in a husband/significant other for long term or life long. Don't ever choose someone who comes close and hope he will eventually change while you two are together. So yes, you may have to hunt for a while. I was patient and it took about 2 1/2 years of being on a dating site and using it as a tool to know of the existence of someone and meeting in person for coffee dates immediately if they seemed to pass, before my husband wrote me. I knew immediately he was different from anyone else who'd ever written. He was a breath of fresh air when others opening lines were along the lines of 'Do you know how hot looking you are?" or "I'll bet you can really please me in bed." If this is the first thing a guy can say, there is something wrong. Clearly they are only thinking of me as a sex toy, nothing more. The first says I am hot, will he think the same when I am 40, 50, 60 or older? I met a girl whose husband told her in front of everyone at a party that she was getting fat and called her some terrible derogatory names along those lines. The fact was, she was cute, trim and petite and had no extra pounds on her. In her outfit, there was no room to hide extra pounds or blemishes and such.
the second example I saw lots of as to pleasing him in bed, is already backwards, he is thinking of himself, not her pleasure and will be a lousy lover. He won't put forth effort to see her pleasured first. Important as women tend to take longer to heat up but once hot, they can keep going and going like the 'Ever ready Bunny'. LOL but thats true. It is when both the man and the womans intent is to please their partner first that a wonderful thing happens, they are both pleased and satisfied at the same time. Lastly, if you want a document on How to Find Mr. Right, which is more training, easy and simple to follow and understand and parts of it are already woven into what I've said here, then I would be glad to give it to you. But the only way I can do that is if you write directly to me this time, looking up Dragonflymagic under columnist search at the left, and once on my site, writing to me from there to request it. I used all the info in there when searching for my 2nd husband and it helped me to recognize the Prince I had when I met him.

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26/f

Please read this thoroughly before responding.

I have been in a three-year relationship that has not been working for longer than a year. I struggled with being in a rut in the relationship and spoke to my boyfriend about it. By the time he was willing to change, my feelings were no longer the same. But because we live together, I stayed in the relationship for another year.

I got a new job and it does not pay AS NEARLY as I used to, I am struggling living where I am now. Living in a place with someone who I no longer love is not ideal, either. But I love my new job and I am back in graduate school. So, I need time, space, and money to do what I need to do.

I have two choices:

1) Move back home and save money. Pros are I can be closer with my sister (since she lives at home), be back at my favorite yoga studio, and I can save money. The Cons? I will be back with my domineering parents (my mom is extremely negative and it drains my mentality). Overall, it is a stressful environment and it is also a 30-minute, NOT in traffic drive, to my work and back.

2) Get a roommate. I would not be saving more than I am now, but at least I'm not in a negative household or living with someone I no longer love.


I told my boyfriend that I needed to save money and thought about getting a roommate. He did not understand why I would do that and told me he can lower my part of rent. He said it only makes sense that I would move back home so I wouldn't have to pay for anything. So I told him I was moving back home.

I can't be helped but be tempted/want to stay because our apartment is 10 minutes away from my work, he helps out with my pets, we never argue (I just don't want to be with him anymore), we travel together all the time, and my apartment is my safe-haven. But knowing myself, I don't want to be stuck in another relationship for ANOTHER year due to comfort and fear.

Yes, part of it is because I need to save money, but really I just can't be there anymore.


So here are my two questions:

1) What do you think I should do? Should I get a roommate or move back home?

2) What do you think my exit strategy should be when it comes to wanting to end a relationship (it's not a bad relationship)?

I can think of another option. There are too many pro's to you staying at the apartment and having him as a roommate. But first you have to stop calling him your boyfriend and think of him as simply your roommate. A Friend who is a roommate. The only difference between a friend and a lover is that 'more than friends chemistry' which must be gone since you no longer have feelings.

So what if you told him about how you no longer have feelings for him. You only see him as a friend and roommate. If he doesn't believe this is possible, you can always have him write to me and ask if a person once loved someone, can they fall out of love. The answer is yes. The things needed on a daily basis that are loving gestures are dropped into your heart which is the bank account of his love. If he wasn't making 'love' deposits by how he treated you, but kept thinking he could make withdrawals, which are your responses to his love, if there is nothing in your account, for him to make a withdrawal on, then he will find you are no longer wanting intimacy with him. Its not a matter of finally realizing his mistake and starting to try to do the right things and make love deposits. It might work for some. But for many like myself, it did not. My ex never put anything into my account so Though I went through the motions after a few years, any love I had for him in my heart and run dry and that account was closed. This is where you are at, bank account of love is closed. So then he would think, its just a matter of reopening the account or more truthfully, opening a totally new one. The account that was there originally is gone. I stayed with the ex because of kids and left him after 30 years of which most were not having any love for him anymore. It didn't matter what he said or did, and in his case, there were other issues that prevented him from improving.
If you want to explain to him and I know you know its over, but having a good way to explain it will get across the point. So you could just tell him the following or write it in a note card to him: Love is like a fragile flower that is hard to grow from seed and needs specific things for nourishment and the sunlight, not scorching heat that might make it wither. It needs such tender care that not just anyone can grow it. The seed of this flower is very rare so if you end up killing the flower, it's gone and there is nothing you can do to bring it back, even if you have learned how to be a master gardener. You could find an entirely different seed, (new female) and try to do the right things to nurture this new flower but it won't be the old one.

What you need to propose is that the two of you remain friends and roommates for now but agree that the romantic relationship is over and both of you begin to date other people. The problem is if this is a one bedroom. It could work if there are 2 bedrooms or you both simply ask management to switch to a 2 bedroom. Yes it costs more but this way, each of you can find a new love who wants to move in, share a bedroom with their sweeties and also pay some of the rent. You could always just get a female to share the bedroom with. This way, if 3 or 4 people are sharing the common areas and paying rent, it should be cheaper for all as to their part of the rent, and you'd still be close to work. Of course this all sits on his decision. You can always tell him you have second thoughts about moving back home and tell him why, same as you told me. If he has definitely changed into a decent guy, he should understand that and the fact you no longer have feelings and why that brings you to making this proposal.
parents
Lets say you move back home. Then you have to put up with the meddling and the stress from how they act. Some people think they can handle it, find some way to cope. I thought so with first marriage. But i had been fooling myself by living life one day at a time. Yes, each day was hell, but if I could handle one, surely I can handle one more, or one more whole week, or a few more months or a year maybe. This handling it, is only putting up with it and does nothing to relieve the stress as I found out. Stress, I learned, has to go somewhere and will affect you either physically or mentally and emotionally. Those two areas are where stress settles. You don't have a choice as to where it goes. For me, it was physical so I got stress related illnesses, headaches daily, migraines about 4 times a year, all over body rash that itched horribly, stomach ulcers and it can affect the heart or possibly start cancer. that saying, "what's eating you" meaning what is bugging you or stressing you out is literally what cancer is, a response to the stress in your body where cancer eats up all your good cells. It took until all the kids were out of the house before I even realized and made the connection of how he treated me was affecting my health. Since cancer and heart disease ran in the family, I wasn't taking any more chances and finally left. But it also took being truthful with myself and asking if I could handle more of the same, which you would be asking yourself regarding living with your parents. I asked myself if I could put up with 5 more years with no improvement in how i was treated and that scared me, When I ask myself if I could do this for 10 more years or a lifetime, I broke down crying. Of course you would not end up that long with the parents but you might be trading a place to live for stress that makes you ill physically or mentally. On the mental side, from observing women I've known with abusive husbands, they become paranoid, their thinking becomes distorted, they have phobias they never ever had, and anxieties and depression, loss of self esteem and so on. They become a mental basket-case. It took about 5 to 7 years with him before I got the daily stress headaches. Some peoples bodies are different and may cave in to the illness producing stress a lot sooner. You have already had stress simply with your male friend roommate. So you have 1 year stress from there or perhaps a little more, go back to parents and add on another 2 years. You'd be at 3 years of stress. If you're like me, its approximately 2 more years til the stress begins affecting your health. But it can happen sooner in which case you'd be having to put up with not being your optimum of health. Long term stress though can lead to a disease that can kill you. So I am saying, if you can do everything in your power to work out anything other than moving back home, for the stress reason alone, then do it.

If you want to find a gal who will be a roommate and the two of you get into an entirely different apartment together near where you work, that is indeed an option, however, keep in mind having the funds saved up for security deposit, pet deposit if you can find another place that takes pets and 1st and last months rent. That is a big chunk of money you probably don't have or would have to save up a long time to have. If you want to move out from sharing apartment with him, maybe you could but you would have to live with a guy who thinks you are still his girlfriend and keep up the charade for however long that would end up being. This is why if you can find a way to make the co habitating tolerable for yourself, and no more expectations from him for your love, kisses, cuddles and more, I think this would be ideal. But the choice is ultimately yours.

As for exit strategy, you either keep silent now and share later what I said to share, the truth with him or tell him now. In the sharing now, you might want to talk about the need to save up for move in costs on another place for yourself and a new roommate and if he is still willing to help lower cost for you, great. I know this is all awkward. If your name is along with his on the rental contract or you were added later, he can't kick you out. If he is the sole person on there and he gets too upset with learning you no longer want him for a bf, he could probably kick you out. So how and when you tell him should probably depend on that. If you think he would be reasonable, counting on the improvements he seemed to make to his life, you could let him know that you no longer have feelings, that any love you had died, and you see him as a roommate and friend only. Let him know you wouldn't leave him in the lurch and you don't want to go stay with the parents, so you'd like to stay but under the mutual decision to break up as a dating couple. You could see if he likes the idea of saving more money if you both add room-mates or switch to a 2 bdrm if needed, two girls in one, two guys in the other or one of you or him starting a new relationship and the couple having their own room. In todays economy, the majority of college ages through age 30s, even if there is a kid or more, I am meeting more and more people who share either an apt or a house with another couple or with another whole family. So it would not be odd to do so. It need not be long term, only if there are new couples, that one couple stays and the other gets a new place together.
In all this you have to think about cost if your commute is by car you drive, not bus. The gas, maintenance and wear and tear on a car when money is tight and there is nothing to spare for any minor repairs, it is better to live closer to work. I moved once and didn't like the longer commute and found a new job closer to where I worked because my commute was 45 min one way and the gas was killing me.
So when you say 'end the relationship' remember there are different kinds of relationships. You have a relationship with family members, you have a relationship with girl friends, you can have friendship with a male or have a romantic relationship with a male or female depending on your sexual preferance, so its not about ending a relationship with him but the relationship changing. Also, remember it has already changed on your part, he simply doesn't know that yet. Make your best choice and it may go well, or may not. You know him better than I could ever guess so I made this long enough with plenty of scenarios to try to help you make your decision. I have merely given you more info and another option to think about. Good luck dear.

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Hi, you answered a question of mine recently but I feel like it was slightly misunderstood. Perhaps I didn't formulate my question clearly so my apologies! The issue is that I have a boyfriend that I love insanely much and he is a great guy, but that I've also started to catch feelings for someone else? I don't love my boyfriend any less because of this. However, I'm very conflicted on how to act in this situation, should I do anything to change the situation? Should I try and take distance from the guy that's not my boyfriend? I don't know what to do because I really feel like I love them both :(

Yes, I remember your initial writing. In the document on finding Mr. Right, I have a section for how to decide between two guys. You may not think this is what your situation truly is, but the fact that you wrote in means you have two guys in your life, of course in different ways and different status but the feelings are there. I think the only thing I was stuck on was believing that merely the guy had feelings for you, not you in return.

Now that I know you have feelings as well, I can tell you, this will happen at times throughout your life, no matter your situation if dating or married or married with kids. Women will look just as guys will do. Its when we feel stronger feelings we freak out especially if we have committed to and love the person we are with. I would have to say, that the most common reason we start to have feelings is we see qualities we like in a person. And that feeling is actually one of great admiration because they are doing something that you like in a man. The issue is when it is lacking in your man, then its easy to have stronger feelings come up for another guy with traits and such you like and admire. I can't tell you what your feelings are but feelings are just feelings and don't have to be acted on at all. If these feelings you have seem to get more intense the more time you spend around him, then either limit it if you can or cut it out if possible.
A great many pPeople today do not look ahead to the future and that can make it hard to deal with things and know what kind of decisions to make.

SO I will ask you questions to ask yourself.

How well do I really know this guy? Do I know him as well as my boyfriend? Often we like what we see on the outside with only what we see when a person is in public and at their best. I met guys from on line dating before I met my 2nd husband the same way. They were great and I began dating them as we met places. But when I went to his home, he let down his guards thinking I was hooked and let his real self show and he was exactly like the ex I had left, the man was verbally abusive, had impossible standards for others that didn't apply to him, just to start....

Even though I love my boyfriend, are there enough things missing in him that I would really like to have? This question is important. When dating we are thinking either of just a companion for now or looking for someone as more than just boyfriend but an eventual husband and father of children.

Ask yourself if you would be quite happy still just dating and or living together but never having the commitment of life long, husband with or without marriage papers. Second time around for older women, we tend to not go the legal marriage route and simply find a man who is the kind to commit for the rest of his life. And that is what I have but he is still a husband, even without the papers to prove it. Commitment is in the heart, on one a piece of paper as I found out the first time.

If you are looking for lifelong, then my list does come in handy. Before you can really be sure to make such a big decision to commit yourself to one man for the rest of your life, you want to be sure he is the right one and yes, you can be that sure.

Is the man in question, someone you can actually distance yourself from. If he is a coworker at your job or a student in your college class for example, the only way to avoid being near him is to leave the job or the class.

I have no idea how you even met or know the guy so I can't really come up with the best questions to ask yourself.

Are you entertaining ideas of having two men in your life where both know of each other or even more, you all live together as a triad, a threesome, not just for sex but because you actually love both men, and maybe it is for different but equally good qualities. Then you need to watch the movie Bandits, with Bruce Willis in it. He and a friend are bank robbers, they both fall for the woman they kidnapped and she falls for each of them though each are quite different. They decide to make it work after initially getting upset and jealous of each other. Forget that they are bank robbers. Thats not the point, the point is one woman in love with two men.
It doesn't happen often or when it does, isn't always successful. This is a scenerio for you to run through your mind. Is it something like this that is sounding attractive to you for whatever reasons? Many find it intrigueing because it sounds so bad, forbidden and messy but there are people who are polyamorous, which means able to love, (really love, not just for sex,) more than one person. It could be two, it could be one main core person who is a boyfriend or husband and because of time and life busy ness constraints, be 3 or 4 others whom one spends some quality time with, just not to the extent of the time you have with your core person. My ex and I did explore this but I never found others I liked and my ex was the true problem. I am remarried to a man who also had past experience with the same but has no urge to follow that now. We truly are happy with each other. The only thing I had to give up on my wish list, is finding a man who likes to dance. My husband will not and I was willing to live without that. Sometimes it is better to make a list of what you really need in life and in a man first, before you think of what qualities you want in a man. I don't think you are at the point of wanting to actually explore two men in your life. Also, this only works if the two men already of the mindset of understanding poly relationships, not afraid and willing to share, and take on all the stuff of how difficult one close relationship can be and multiplying that. If a woman or man can barely handle one relationship successfully, they most certainly won't be able to do successful relationships with more than one person, two or more is not going to happen though people have tried. I have seen it. A three some is about the only scenario where it has a chance of working and especially so if the two men can be buddies or already are close friends as in the movie I mentioned and the girl has chemistry with both men not just one. When I speak of a triad, it can be one man and two or more women but that is not polygamy unless the women are not allowed the equal right to seek out other men to love besides her core man. You are more likely entertaining this feelings because you feel something of feelings in him for you as well. A guy can fall for a woman who is in a relationship, and be willing to wait on the sidelines, in case the relationship ever breaks up and then make his move. Simply the fact that another man finds a female attractive and loveable is a big compliment to any female and normally, even if happy with her man, a female will want to bask in the attention or compliments another man gives her. If this man is not giving you any real solid proof that he loves you and is content to wait and see if you become available down the road, then its a different situation than simply basking in the compliments. Knowing how he feels means you have a decision to make, even though you already think it made. If you have no real plans to marry and the man you are with feels the same, good. But this other guy if you know for sure he loves you because he has not only said it but shown you by things he does, he needs to know if he should stop waiting for you. You may need to say something to him if you plan to stay with your current boyfriend for life. SO ask yourself why you even have a boyfriend. For what purpose are you dating anyone to begin with. Is it merely for companionship for now until something happens and you break up and you go to the next relationship? Do you love him so much that if you lost him in an accident, you would find it hard to move on, because it feels like you lost a part of yourself? I know if I lost my husband, I would be unconsoleable and many older couples who lose a partner and have that kind of love, never live long and pass on soon after because they are still mourning their loss.

If you want more than just a boyfriend for this period in life, its time to ask the kinds of questions that should be asked, like what does your boyfriend see your relationship as being 10 years down the road for example. Find out if he is afraid of marriage. Some people are due to seeing too many people they know get divorced. Does he ever want to be a father. Some people know they don't ever want to be responsible for taking care of a little human and may be happy enough with nieces and nephews. You don't want to find this out after being married a year or two that he will not sway from his decision which means you are settling for less than you want, a childless marriage or if the want is that strong, then no matter how much you love him, you leave him. I know of plenty of women who have done this, both people I know and those who have written in here with that situation. I know a female who grew up with an alcoholic father who beat them all and she escaped sometimes by hiding in odd places he would not think to look. So when she married, she knew she could never feel safe with a man who drank even a drop. He also had to be very patient, never raise his voice to her ever and so on. She had specific needs for her husband and I met him, he was a great man. I had a verbally abusive ex, so I also required a patient man who would never raise his voice to me or belittle me or use very abusive language when referring to me. Not everyone would think of such things. They marry and find out after the wedding that the dream spouse is not what they really thought, and this is why so many people are on a fourth, fifth marriage or more. They just marry on impulse cus he is handsome or the sex good, but what good are those things when he treats you like crap the rest of the time. I may be rambling, but I am giving you examples so you can compare yourself to others and decide where you fall in what you need and want. I have loved people who were not good for me in some way or another and it took my realizing that what my heart wants or loves is not always what is the best mental choice to go for. I don't know if your boyfriend as great as he is has any shortcomings that you know you can put up with for now but you know you could not long term, like 10 years from now, 20, or until the day you finally pass over. Thats what I asked myself before I left my ex. I had tricked myself into believing it wasn't so bad and that I could put up with it because I was looking at only getting by another day, another week or month, maybe even up to a year as I had already been doing. But when I contemplated having nothing but the same for the next 10, 20 years, I broke down crying and knew I didn't want to do the same for the rest of my life. This may not apply to you at all, may never apply but in case it does, it is a vital piece of info in helping you to be at peace with what ever choices you make. The only other option is to live a double life and not let either one know you are seeing the other guy. Indulge secretly in having both. Some peoples morals aren't as high as mine and they see no problem with this. Maybe this is you and you can see yourself stringing both along and enjoying both of them until one wants to marry you, then it all blows up and you have to make a decision. I say it is better to not go down that path, make your decision now. Stop seeing the guy. the feelings won't go away right away. Your subconscious mind is what supplys you with these feelings. You can speak to yourself out loud or inside your head and you will be heard by your subconscious mind. You simply tell it that you no longer want to have these feelings for the other guy because you are never leaving your current boyfriend and love him and don't choose to love two men secretly. You will have to state this every time you have such a feeling rear its head in your heart and mind. Repeat until it stops. The subconscious plays a bigger role in your life than you think, so I am serious about this. If you do want to stop, then you have to do this. Think of a sad movie you watched. It was a made up script, actors and not even real but you began to cry as you watched. Why? Because your subconscious mind is seeing the movie as well and reacting to it. Your conscious mind knows its just a movie and you tell yourself ahead of time, there is no reason to cry, but you still do, because of the subconscious mind. That is only one scenario and there are countless situations in which the subconscious will affect how you operate in life. This is all I can think of to say.

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my brother asked me to babysit this friday, I said want $10hr...for 5 hours....$50 for the day...he said im charging too much, I said u pay the daycare that....and maybe even more....the kid has to eat too....I gotta feed my niece also...well now he thinks im charging too much and said nevermind a bout keeping my niece...and now he is mad at me. am I charging him too much or are my prices just fine?

When money is tight, people will look for deals on things they think they can get deals on. You are right about day-cares, he probably pays about the same or more. The problem is that people, even myself, will think of family as the only people who can do such a favor for them and charge little to nothing at all. Grandmas are hit up for watching the kiddo's and usually a Grandma, like myself, are ecstatic over the change to have the baby to themselves to ooo and ahh over for hours without considering getting paid. Then the kid grows older and its not as easy or as fun anymore. I have a granddaughter almost two who is starting to talk but she doesn't have enough words yet to talk back, however she does it plenty fine in made up baby language just cursing me out if she doesn;t get something she wants which is dangerous for her, or poisonous to eat, etc. Having her will to deal with makes it real work to babysit. I am living out of our van. So I don't have much costs and if needed and it doesn't interfere with pt work schedule and I get a call to babysit, the only thing I ask for is money to cover gas there and back because our vehicle is a gas guzzler. If you are wanting to make good money out of babysitting, then doing so for relatives is not the way to go, because the majority of relatives do it for little or no pay. It doesn't mean you are greedy or money hungry or don't care about your niece or helping your brother. I will say that if a mother was a single mother, had bad experiences with previous sitters she had or couldn't find any for pay, or she earns so little that she can't afford to pay full child care or even baby sitting for an evening, So she gets work the opposite time of her Mom so grandma watches for free when mother is at work. that is a real hardship case. I am just saying that he must be thinking also that family does it for free or for almost nothing. I guarantee he did not grow up the time i did as a teen when watching neighbors kids at night was 50 cents and hour or later 75 cents. If a person had two or three kids, it was 1.50 an hour. Moms who did daycare unofficially were doing it for real low also. A 9 hr day ended up 10. or 15 for a whole day. That is all I know, the past. I have no idea what is fair for today. I think I have heard of people charging 10 per hour, and this is teen sitters for the evening. If you give him a deal once, he'll expect it again. Best you can do is ask him what he thinks is fair. That that cost per hour and add it up and decide if it's good enough for you to do babysitting for him every time for about the same. If his offer is something for drastically less, like 2 to 5 dollars an hour, You could ask him if he thinks its so fair that he would be willing to babysit occasional someones kid for the same amount? If he says yes, you could always say that you'll hold him to it once you have kids. Or if you already do. He'll cool off in time. I think he's just mad he couldnt get it for next to nothing. Cutting corners on ones budget is of course what everyone needs to do when wages don't go up but the cost of living does. That's everywhere in this country. But remind him that daycare or babysitting is one area where you can cut corners. My horror story started when after two months, the mom in my neihborhood who was doing daycare, decided to stop cold turkey, meaning she told me when I picked up my daughter that as of tomorrow she was no longer going to do daycare anymore. Thats bad enough. The child was a year and a half. I called every official daycare in my area and none had room for any more kids under age 2. So I started calling women out of the paper, not licensed daycares. This one seemed okay so we agreed to take the kid there the following day. I had just arrived at work when my husband who was to drop her off called me to say, he never did drop her off, and needed me to come home because when he got to the place, it was surrounded by police cars and the ladys boyfriend had come over to threaten her and punched holes in her front door. Tell him that story or make up something similar because I can guarantee its happened somewhere. A teen babysitter invited friends over for a party after we left to be gone for the evening. The apt manager knew we wouldn't be okay with it, but by time she could find my husbands cell number and we got back, the only evidence of a wild party was cigarette butts in our dish ware around the apt and the fridge and cupboards raided of food. The child was sleeping peacefully with a couple of plush toys in her crib that didn't belong to us. I was pissed, I tell you and we were paying the fair rate for the time but still got a bad experience. Doesn't matter the age, teen or older person, there are few people you can really trust with your kid. And that is why so often people will also turn to relatives to sit the kids.

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Your Letter: How can I stop myself from wanting to touch and feel up my female coworker? (#437849)
I work at Staples and there is this girl I work with, we talk a lot and we get a long really well. When she took over the cash register and I bent down to pick up something I dropped and then I had a an extremely strong desire to start rubbing her legs and thighs and slide my hands up her shirt and touch her breasts and down her pants to touch her buttocks and genital areas that took every fiber of my being to stop. Others days I see her I feel intense desire to grab her and touch her. Why am I getting this feeling and how can i Stop

Apparently she had the kind of looks that can make you horny. In your lifetime, this isn't the only female you'll come across where you feel your body stir to life and a flood of desire overtake you. You have eyes in your head, so whether single, or married, you see and you may want. But unwanted touch will get you into jail and you don't want a record. Sexual harassment is not just touch but what you say if of sexual content, it too can end you up in a heap of trouble. Perhaps you haven't felt it be fore because You haven't come across a female that instills those kinds of feelings and reactions in you. Some people can be picky or have a lower libido so it may not have happened much or as strong before. In some of life's situations, you won't be able to avoid being around and working with females whom you react to this way. Why you feel like this is because its how humans were made. How to stop feeling it? I haven't heard of anything where you can shut off reactions to one woman but not any others. Either you get these urges or you don't at all in which case there may be something wrong and you should see a Dr. If this is the first woman you have ever had such a reaction to, then your male hormone levels may be too low. A neighbor male in his 30's saw his Dr. because he started out able to have desire and it slowly went away by his mid thirties due to hormone levels dropping. There are a few cases like that.

All that aside, you will have to do what all men have to do, exercise your self control. Which as you now know you are able to do. And you will be doing this all your life. A woman can't stop you from glancing at her, but if you say whats on your mind or touch her, then you are out of line. I am sure women don;t always battle such intense feelings where they are tempted to touch. It only happened once (I am female) when skirting between chairs to get around a table, I was passing a man whose hair struck me as so gorgeous that I was overrun by a great desire to bury my fingers in his hair. So I can imagine to a small extent what you must be feeling. So, get used to it. If you have no sexual partner or haven't had a girlfriend for a while, or no wife, then lack of ability to be sexually satisfied with a partner can make these thoughts and feelings more out of control and intense in strength and can take over the majority of what you ever think about in a days time. Hubby and I have known males like this who are married, may be best friends with wife but no real rewarding sex life or none any more and I don't have to be a mind reader to know they turn every thing they say into a sexual innuendo, simply because they are desiring so much that which they do not have. I am sure some may disagree with me but there have been many whom we know are single and have no woman in their life and these men are always talking as if they are God's gift to women. It is usually the quieter males, who are polite to women, who don't talk boastful about themselves sex wise, and don't walk with a swagger that are more likely to be the kind of man who surprisingly is a great lover. Can't judge a book by its cover, and same goes for what you see that excites you. What you see on the outside may end up being a poor lovers, a frigid woman or someone with whom you don't share chemistry. There is sexual attraction and physical ability to turn on your partner but thats just the physical level. I met a guy before my second husband who looked like he just stepped out of a male hot magazine, late forties but the kind of handsome all women would drool over. We went on a few dates and yes, checked each other out in all ways, but we both realized that other than the physical attraction, there wasn't enough there on the inside that matched enough to be best of friends, which is the most rewarding relationship, married or not. If you feel your situation is becoming more out of control, and you can't seem to muster enough self control, then go see a professional counselor for help. In the meanwhile, it may be a good thing to find a woman whom you can not just love aspects of but be in love with her. There is a great difference in how she is treated and the connection between the two and the sex is then much more rewarding. I have that with hubby and after 9 years with him, I can only say, the sex keeps getting better when I already thought it was as great as scientifically possible and both our desires for each other have not diminished. It is this kind of relationship that has pretty much killed any desire for anyone else for both of us. Not that we are actively looking for such people around us, but we are not impacted as you are when we see someone who is so beautiful or handsome.

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Hey there, I'm just gonna cut to the point. I'm a freshman in college, and I was planning to enroll in some summer classes this summer. One of the classes I'm wanting to take is at a community college, so I'd be paying out of pocket. My situation is, is I'm unemployed (I have been to several interviews in the past year), have a few bills to pay, and my checking account is getting kind of low. I really just want to take this Calculus class this summer so I can be done with my degree's math requirements asap. Is it worth taking a risk with my money and signing up for that class? Or just wait for another summer? Thanks.

Ask about doing some pt work at the community college to take some cost off the class. One of my daughters had a friend who did some pt work at the local college and let them know your financial situation and that if you can get work there, you would sign up for the class. They may be able to work with you. Summer weather may have them short on help if college age students are preferring to have time out in the sun rather than working. Its worth a try.

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The situation is I became friends with my neighbor. We were partying together got drunk and he professed his attraction to me and asked me if I wanted to have sex. Being as my sex life with my husband has been non existant for awhile due to his medical reasons I gave in and said yes I would. We texted back and forth for awhile then we finally got together. I dont feel guilty. I love my husband but all I can think about is this other guy. Am I infatuated? Am i just reading into something that's not there? He says he thinks about me all the time but the only time he texts me is to hook up. We talk and hang out as a group alot and we act as if we are just friends and nothing more has happened.

I will go through this from the top. You did not say that you and hubby were partying with the neighbor man and his wife or others. Becoming friends with ones neighbors is not unusual and is actually better because what are neighbor if you can not rely on them to borrow a cup of sugar and do favors for each other. Keep in mind I am not talking about sexual favors, just friendship. From how you wrote, it almost sounds as if in this friendship, he or you decided to get together for an invite to an exclusive party, just the two of you and got drunk together. If it is as you wrote, the fist mistake was meeting secretly to party with just the male half of your neighbor family. A woman meeting a married man is doing so knowing completely that what she is doing is not on the level and a male neighbor meeting you in private and asking for sex is also something that has to be contemplated often and planned. Its not some impulse here, not when its a neighbor you see often enough at community events.

Sigh, okay I understand that medical reasons can be a reason for not having sex because it would be deadly possibly for the spouse. I actually knew a couple like this. He and the wife went to a swing club. He took his wife there, for her, not for him because he had a heart condition and could no longer have sex but he loved her so much he wanted her to be able to have her sexual needs taken care of. So she got to play around with however many men present that evening while her husband sat and chatted with people who were not at the time involved in having sex. This was their solution to the issue. I can not tell you what to do as I realize the real need, not an urge, but scientifically proven facts on why it is important for people to have sex, especially women as they grow older. I won't go into that but just letting you know that your situation is one where I understand you not having guilt with taking on a lover. Its just how it happened and with whom that doesn't sit well with me. But I also understand that others don't have the same set of standards for morals as I may have and that is okay, we are all learning. I'll get to that but first back to what you wrote. Infatuation? That is something one can get over after some time, fairly easily. A need for sex is something you don't get over so easily. You said you love your husband. I wonder if the two of you have ever discussed your situation of not being able to have sex with him? This is a valid thing to talk about. My husband is the best man I could ever have found. (2nd marriage) The issue is that he has been having the beginning of erectile issues. It worries him as we have been very active, several times a week so I tell him if we can get it to work even once a week, we are still doing way better than people with working parts who have sex once or twice a month. This really is something your husband should have been just as worried and concerned about as my husband. If he isn't concerned how its affecting you, maybe he's too wrapped up in himself and his issues to even think of it, or maybe though he loves you, it isn't as much or as strongly as you think. I am only comparing my situation of a husband who isn't as worried for himself as for me and my getting my needs met. So this already is a big concern, lack of talk between you both or lack of talking about the hard solutions to the issue. Reality is that with enough years of no sex going on, a womans sex drive can go to sleep, like being in hibernation and most never awaken from this unless widowed or they divorce young enough and take on someone else and that mans attention, eventually rewakens her sex drive. Men who have no sex for long enough will lose the ability to get it up. We also know some guys like that.
For some couples, like your neighbor man, get married to someone who is not the best match for them. Some mistake the feelings of excitement over a new relationship to mean there is chemistry and they marry. If there is actually no chemistry and they thought this new relationship energy was actually it, the bad news is that energy wears off and then they end up unhappily married to someone with whom they have no chemistry with. It would be like being married to your brother and a brother being your lover. It would not be satisfying. Sex can be automatic, just going through the motions and though it does the trick for some guys, it isn't the best they could really experience ever in life. Women through are like Irons, they take a long time to get hot and then also an equally long time to cool off again. So we need the chemistry and lots of attention and foreplay to end up satisfied in the end. Sounds like your neighbor man is the one married to the wrong person. I don't think you are married to the wrong person. It would be more ideal to bring up the situation to your husband about getting your needs taken care of. He needs to know that it is a big deal to you. If you keep quiet, he assumes you are adjusting just fine to doing without. He needs to be reassured you love in, not just in words, but loving touches, cuddles, and whatever else would show him how important he still is to you and that you would never think of leaving him. And here is where you might propose trying an 'open marriage'. I met such a guy whose wife had a couple lovers outside the marriage and he did not have anyone yet and asked me. This was when I was with my ex whom I was not a sexual equal with. So though I gave it some thought, and the fact that his wife was already okay with the concept, the fact was, he really had no time for me. When I gave a date and time, his calendar was busy and I was not about to book a date with him 4 months in advance for just that one date. I should say, My husband and I had agreed on trying this concept. So on both sides, no spouse was left out in the dark to be hurt later. I know this isn't possible for everyone as some spouses would not take this kind of talk or possibility very well and it could upset things more than keeping it quiet. But if every found out, both your husband and his wife could be deeply hurt,they will only think "cheating on me" and that makes life real miserable and messy then if you think its messy now. Now as to him saying he thinks of you all the time. I can't say what he thinks is true, I don't know him and am not a mind reader. But men are very predictable in this one thing, sex. If they have a need and have found a woman who can fill their need, yeah, they may be thinking of you but not with the feeling in love with, its actually in lust with, thinking of Shelly my lover, Tina who goes down on me, Wendy who is a vixen in bed. They are not thinking Shelly whom I want to go Apple picking with, Tina whom I'd like to cook a dinner for, or Wendy whom you plan a surprise Birthday party for. When a man loves a woman he loves to when a woman and a man truly are in love, they will find that they love to be together no matter what they are doing, even mundane daily tasks as simply being in each others company makes even the simple routine stuff feel special because of the company. That is how it should be. that is how my relationship is with my husband.

This neighbor man does not have the opportunity to barely meet you in secret for sex let alone have time to get to know you as a person better, and spend time together doing regular stuff. This will never happen if he is not your husband. So my guess is that it is more likely all his thoughts are not of love but seeing you as his ticket to some great sex. I used dating sites to find my husband. Before meeting him, one guy meet me for a coffee meet up. He was honest right up front and said he was married,they had no sex anymore, he still loves her as his best friend though and was not thinking of ever leaving her. But he still had needs and wanted me to be his lover. First, I wouldn't do such a thing even if I was okay in settling for less, just a lover, not a husband because I mentioned the open marriage concept and if she was okay with it. He said he could never tell her, so I said, that's the only situation in which I would be okay with having sex with a married man knowingly. Do I think doing so makes you end up in hell? No, I don't. But the standard I have automatically lived by since a child in grade school as always been higher than that of the rest. I am simply sharing a possible option. It sure would help if the husband knew and was okay with it, maybe then you wouldn't have to have quickies. The fact that the man is his friend , well it can go both ways, he cuts the man out of his life and yours, or if he is more analytical himself, he may think, if well, since I can't be my wifes sex partner anymore, if I could choose the man, I would want it to be someone I already like and admire, a friend. Yes, My husband has had that talk with me. If his best friends wife who is much older ever dies, he'd want his friend to come to live near us or with us. If it gets to the point where my hubby can't ever get hard ever again, then if his friend could, he would be okay with his friend and I being lovers. This is all his thinking, nothing I ever said to bring up that line of thought. There are not many men who would think that up themselves. I don't know how close they are but you never know, your husband may not like the idea of you with just anyone , but his friend, because it was his idea first, hey, its a possibility.
So you say you feel shock waves every time you kiss the neighbor. It could be simply because you have been starved for sex for a while, or it could be there is better chemistry with the neighbor,a stronger one than that you had with your spouse or maybe its the same and you just didn't say that. I met and dated plenty guys before I met my 2nd husband. I was almost 50 so I had more life experience. So even though I met guys with whom I felt chemistry and shock waves, thats a physical thing, I still had to have a meeting of minds, and had to like their personality and their character. Truly, I did not meet anyone until my husband who I had all of it with, its easy to have one or the other but not as easy to find all. I hardly think the neighbor wants a new wife and as you said there would be repercussions due to the farming life.

I once heard from some info I came across online, Bible scholars talking about misconceptions today of the word 'Adultery'. Today we believe it means having sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Back in Bible days when the knowledge of the Ten Commandments was understood, Adultery did not mean that sex outside of marriage is sinful. There are plenty of examples of men offering their wife to another man for sex. No, sex was not the issue. Women were still considered property. As you understand with the farm issue, the wife is much needed as part of what makes the farm survive. The same thing is what was going on back then. The woman had her jobs to do, the cooking cleaning, taking care of kids, fetching water from the well, washing the laundry beside a stream or river, and so on. If a man did not have the husbands permission to have the wife for sex, and he just took her even if she was willing, it was seen as him stealing from the husband. the actual crime back then was considered the stealing and the dishonesty, the keeping of a secret that could hurt the spouses. So you can rest easy that God never said Sex outside of marriage was evil or bad. When he condemned adultery, he was speaking to people of the current time in history, and what they could relate it to, and the message that commandment gave people is that it is not okay to steal or be dishonest in any way with your spouse. Obviously, this is a big misunderstanding that has caused so many problems for people in todays age as far as sex is concerned. Does it really matter then if this man only wants you for sex? It shouldn't if he is only a lover on the side. Unless you are subconsciously almost hoping to find a man to have like a real true husband while still married to a husband? Its not going to happen. Time constraints for one thing, and how difficult it is to keep it secret. I am not wishing to tell you what to do, but the only choice I see is:

1 Go on As you have and do nothing different

2 Talk to husband about your need for sex not going away and you wondering if he'd be okay with an open marriage. Some open marriages are truly only one sided with just one partner not both seeking lovers outside of marriage. Give him time to think about it, and if he comes around, then ask if he has a preference for someone, maybe a friend he trusts.

3 come out and tell him what you are doing, that you understand the situation for him and the neighbors and that divorce isn't even a consideration or a desire for many reasons. Then deal with him being upset.

You are doing number 1 right now and seem to be happy with that. I've already explained why a full relationship wouldn't work, not unless both his wife and your husband were willing to put up with still being married in paper only but you and this man having a full blown relationship. It doesn't work in stolen moments together other than sex. You may consider that a true relationship but I don't. However if you are happy fooling yourself into believing its the real thing, not just lovers, and happy playing pretend relationship with him, then by all means, make your own decision to do so. Just remember, it's not only about you or him in reality, being found out, affects his wife and kids, and others of his family, others who know him in the community who may not trust him now for anything, and affects your husband and affects any of your family that know both you and your husband and other friends or what. You know you won't consider breaking up and divorce and remarrying this guy. So your only option may be to get as much sex as you can before things blow up and this all happens any ways. Its a matter of sooner or later. Your hubby finds out sooner, but what the guy does telling wife or not is up to him, and hubby is upset and life with him ruined anyways or he is okay with it eventually and gives his blessing. For that slight chance he might be okay with it, weighed against not saying anything at all, each way also has a possibility of this going on long term, one as its never discovered, and the other, with your husband giving his blessing. I know mine would if it came to that. I don't know if yours would. I have thought it out with what could happen either way and dont see any other options for you other than breaking it off with the man and never having sex again as you stick with your husband and I know you're not going for that either. So hopefully I have given you plenty of ways to look at your situation. No matter what you do choose, there is a chance it will work either way you chose and also backfire either way you choose. Still the decision is up to you.

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