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I'm in love with two people
Hi, you answered a question of mine recently but I feel like it was slightly misunderstood. Perhaps I didn't formulate my question clearly so my apologies! The issue is that I have a boyfriend that I love insanely much and he is a great guy, but that I've also started to catch feelings for someone else? I don't love my boyfriend any less because of this. However, I'm very conflicted on how to act in this situation, should I do anything to change the situation? Should I try and take distance from the guy that's not my boyfriend? I don't know what to do because I really feel like I love them both :(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Yes, I remember your initial writing. In the document on finding Mr. Right, I have a section for how to decide between two guys. You may not think this is what your situation truly is, but the fact that you wrote in means you have two guys in your life, of course in different ways and different status but the feelings are there. I think the only thing I was stuck on was believing that merely the guy had feelings for you, not you in return.
Now that I know you have feelings as well, I can tell you, this will happen at times throughout your life, no matter your situation if dating or married or married with kids. Women will look just as guys will do. Its when we feel stronger feelings we freak out especially if we have committed to and love the person we are with. I would have to say, that the most common reason we start to have feelings is we see qualities we like in a person. And that feeling is actually one of great admiration because they are doing something that you like in a man. The issue is when it is lacking in your man, then its easy to have stronger feelings come up for another guy with traits and such you like and admire. I can't tell you what your feelings are but feelings are just feelings and don't have to be acted on at all. If these feelings you have seem to get more intense the more time you spend around him, then either limit it if you can or cut it out if possible.
A great many pPeople today do not look ahead to the future and that can make it hard to deal with things and know what kind of decisions to make.
SO I will ask you questions to ask yourself.
How well do I really know this guy? Do I know him as well as my boyfriend? Often we like what we see on the outside with only what we see when a person is in public and at their best. I met guys from on line dating before I met my 2nd husband the same way. They were great and I began dating them as we met places. But when I went to his home, he let down his guards thinking I was hooked and let his real self show and he was exactly like the ex I had left, the man was verbally abusive, had impossible standards for others that didn't apply to him, just to start....
Even though I love my boyfriend, are there enough things missing in him that I would really like to have? This question is important. When dating we are thinking either of just a companion for now or looking for someone as more than just boyfriend but an eventual husband and father of children.
Ask yourself if you would be quite happy still just dating and or living together but never having the commitment of life long, husband with or without marriage papers. Second time around for older women, we tend to not go the legal marriage route and simply find a man who is the kind to commit for the rest of his life. And that is what I have but he is still a husband, even without the papers to prove it. Commitment is in the heart, on one a piece of paper as I found out the first time.
If you are looking for lifelong, then my list does come in handy. Before you can really be sure to make such a big decision to commit yourself to one man for the rest of your life, you want to be sure he is the right one and yes, you can be that sure.
Is the man in question, someone you can actually distance yourself from. If he is a coworker at your job or a student in your college class for example, the only way to avoid being near him is to leave the job or the class.
I have no idea how you even met or know the guy so I can't really come up with the best questions to ask yourself.
Are you entertaining ideas of having two men in your life where both know of each other or even more, you all live together as a triad, a threesome, not just for sex but because you actually love both men, and maybe it is for different but equally good qualities. Then you need to watch the movie Bandits, with Bruce Willis in it. He and a friend are bank robbers, they both fall for the woman they kidnapped and she falls for each of them though each are quite different. They decide to make it work after initially getting upset and jealous of each other. Forget that they are bank robbers. Thats not the point, the point is one woman in love with two men.
It doesn't happen often or when it does, isn't always successful. This is a scenerio for you to run through your mind. Is it something like this that is sounding attractive to you for whatever reasons? Many find it intrigueing because it sounds so bad, forbidden and messy but there are people who are polyamorous, which means able to love, (really love, not just for sex,) more than one person. It could be two, it could be one main core person who is a boyfriend or husband and because of time and life busy ness constraints, be 3 or 4 others whom one spends some quality time with, just not to the extent of the time you have with your core person. My ex and I did explore this but I never found others I liked and my ex was the true problem. I am remarried to a man who also had past experience with the same but has no urge to follow that now. We truly are happy with each other. The only thing I had to give up on my wish list, is finding a man who likes to dance. My husband will not and I was willing to live without that. Sometimes it is better to make a list of what you really need in life and in a man first, before you think of what qualities you want in a man. I don't think you are at the point of wanting to actually explore two men in your life. Also, this only works if the two men already of the mindset of understanding poly relationships, not afraid and willing to share, and take on all the stuff of how difficult one close relationship can be and multiplying that. If a woman or man can barely handle one relationship successfully, they most certainly won't be able to do successful relationships with more than one person, two or more is not going to happen though people have tried. I have seen it. A three some is about the only scenario where it has a chance of working and especially so if the two men can be buddies or already are close friends as in the movie I mentioned and the girl has chemistry with both men not just one. When I speak of a triad, it can be one man and two or more women but that is not polygamy unless the women are not allowed the equal right to seek out other men to love besides her core man. You are more likely entertaining this feelings because you feel something of feelings in him for you as well. A guy can fall for a woman who is in a relationship, and be willing to wait on the sidelines, in case the relationship ever breaks up and then make his move. Simply the fact that another man finds a female attractive and loveable is a big compliment to any female and normally, even if happy with her man, a female will want to bask in the attention or compliments another man gives her. If this man is not giving you any real solid proof that he loves you and is content to wait and see if you become available down the road, then its a different situation than simply basking in the compliments. Knowing how he feels means you have a decision to make, even though you already think it made. If you have no real plans to marry and the man you are with feels the same, good. But this other guy if you know for sure he loves you because he has not only said it but shown you by things he does, he needs to know if he should stop waiting for you. You may need to say something to him if you plan to stay with your current boyfriend for life. SO ask yourself why you even have a boyfriend. For what purpose are you dating anyone to begin with. Is it merely for companionship for now until something happens and you break up and you go to the next relationship? Do you love him so much that if you lost him in an accident, you would find it hard to move on, because it feels like you lost a part of yourself? I know if I lost my husband, I would be unconsoleable and many older couples who lose a partner and have that kind of love, never live long and pass on soon after because they are still mourning their loss.
If you want more than just a boyfriend for this period in life, its time to ask the kinds of questions that should be asked, like what does your boyfriend see your relationship as being 10 years down the road for example. Find out if he is afraid of marriage. Some people are due to seeing too many people they know get divorced. Does he ever want to be a father. Some people know they don't ever want to be responsible for taking care of a little human and may be happy enough with nieces and nephews. You don't want to find this out after being married a year or two that he will not sway from his decision which means you are settling for less than you want, a childless marriage or if the want is that strong, then no matter how much you love him, you leave him. I know of plenty of women who have done this, both people I know and those who have written in here with that situation. I know a female who grew up with an alcoholic father who beat them all and she escaped sometimes by hiding in odd places he would not think to look. So when she married, she knew she could never feel safe with a man who drank even a drop. He also had to be very patient, never raise his voice to her ever and so on. She had specific needs for her husband and I met him, he was a great man. I had a verbally abusive ex, so I also required a patient man who would never raise his voice to me or belittle me or use very abusive language when referring to me. Not everyone would think of such things. They marry and find out after the wedding that the dream spouse is not what they really thought, and this is why so many people are on a fourth, fifth marriage or more. They just marry on impulse cus he is handsome or the sex good, but what good are those things when he treats you like crap the rest of the time. I may be rambling, but I am giving you examples so you can compare yourself to others and decide where you fall in what you need and want. I have loved people who were not good for me in some way or another and it took my realizing that what my heart wants or loves is not always what is the best mental choice to go for. I don't know if your boyfriend as great as he is has any shortcomings that you know you can put up with for now but you know you could not long term, like 10 years from now, 20, or until the day you finally pass over. Thats what I asked myself before I left my ex. I had tricked myself into believing it wasn't so bad and that I could put up with it because I was looking at only getting by another day, another week or month, maybe even up to a year as I had already been doing. But when I contemplated having nothing but the same for the next 10, 20 years, I broke down crying and knew I didn't want to do the same for the rest of my life. This may not apply to you at all, may never apply but in case it does, it is a vital piece of info in helping you to be at peace with what ever choices you make. The only other option is to live a double life and not let either one know you are seeing the other guy. Indulge secretly in having both. Some peoples morals aren't as high as mine and they see no problem with this. Maybe this is you and you can see yourself stringing both along and enjoying both of them until one wants to marry you, then it all blows up and you have to make a decision. I say it is better to not go down that path, make your decision now. Stop seeing the guy. the feelings won't go away right away. Your subconscious mind is what supplys you with these feelings. You can speak to yourself out loud or inside your head and you will be heard by your subconscious mind. You simply tell it that you no longer want to have these feelings for the other guy because you are never leaving your current boyfriend and love him and don't choose to love two men secretly. You will have to state this every time you have such a feeling rear its head in your heart and mind. Repeat until it stops. The subconscious plays a bigger role in your life than you think, so I am serious about this. If you do want to stop, then you have to do this. Think of a sad movie you watched. It was a made up script, actors and not even real but you began to cry as you watched. Why? Because your subconscious mind is seeing the movie as well and reacting to it. Your conscious mind knows its just a movie and you tell yourself ahead of time, there is no reason to cry, but you still do, because of the subconscious mind. That is only one scenario and there are countless situations in which the subconscious will affect how you operate in life. This is all I can think of to say.
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