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how do I know I'm still in love
I've had a boyfriend for quite some time now, and I'm starting to doubt my feelings for him. He's a sweet guy but he's really bad at knowing how he feels and what he wants. I, on the other hand, have a pretty good idea of what I want in life and I often feel like he doesn't care about me. I tried to talk to him about this but he mostly said things like "I don't know what I want I'm sorry" and also "I don't know how I feel".. Should I stay with someone that doesn't even know if they like me at all? I hate the thought of breaking up with him but right now I just don't know if this is still a healthy relationship.
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Maybe he’s just the shy type. Some people aren’t really lying and some people don’t really know what they’re feeling or even how to express it.
Especially if you’re just starting out with this relationship. Some people deal with this insecurity of it not working out by getting suspicious and forcing the other to talk. Others deal with it by withdrawing, getting shy and staying quiet. Often this accomplishes the reverse, and gets them extra nervous to say it. Falling in love can get people really nervous sometimes, so maybe take it easy on him.
Start by asking him to figure out what he does not want. Let him think over it slowly if possible. Some people genuinely are just bad at knowing what they’re feeling, like some people are bad at math or singing. Maybe push him a little to at least express things in writing or text. Then inch up slowly to him being more direct.
For more information, search on attachment styles. Maybe on enneagram, if you want more in depth psychology.
Give it some time first, and if it doesn’t work out, it’s your decision anyway.
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From how you wrote, this gives the impression that you fell in love with him at the beginning, even though back then he already wasn't good at knowing what he wants in a female and knowing how he feels and showing love in his own way. If this is so, I haven't a clue why you fell for him. Did you think perhaps he was shy and would warm up to you as far as showing his feelings after a long time?
Just in case he is showing love in his own way, I should state the following: Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
Your last line of "I just don't know if this is still a healthy relationship" is what has me thinking that in the beginning, this actually was a healthy relationship. The Problem with my trying to help you is not knowing what your idea of a healthy relationship is versus what I know constitutes a healthy relationship.
For any two people, there are two relationships, just friends only, and more than friends which is the romance and possibly sex too. So if you are looking for the more than friends relationship, maybe even hoping for long term or life long sweetheart, then I can only assume that either you didn't wait to see if he loved you before you got into a relationship with him, or you are saying that in the beginning he said "I love you" and you believed him. True love is proven not by saying I love you or by having sex with someone. True love is shown by how they treat you, what they do for you, how your feelings are considered, how you come first to the guy before his own needs. Or you are saying that in the beginning, just like now, he did not know how he felt about you and you somehow thought that was good enough for a romantic relationship as long as he didn't seem to act as if he hated you.
I was once 20 and engaged to be married to a man who ended up very wrong for me. He loved some things about me but was never in love with me and admitted that to a counselor in the end, after being married 30 yrs. So I know how easy it is to not really know much when it comes to relationships and hon, to be honest, from how you wrote, either you weren't really concentrating on what you were trying to tell me, or you really don't have a clue. Thats okay though, as long as we ask for advice which you are doing.
So what I have to share is not an easy answer of stay or leave him. I can provide you with the knowledge and framework to sort out for yourself what is really happening and whether it's good enough for you or whether he falls far short of your criteria in a man. This will be much longer but has to be shared.
Some guys love a woman but haven't got a clue at all that they do. I have seen the scenario in movies, books and in real life from watching friends. I have a short list of questions for you to answer, as this list will tell if a man really loves you or how much and whether its enough for you.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, or a user or controller. Leave immediately.
If not sure about some of this, and you want my opinion if it fits a point on the questions, just write me with the details of the situation and I'll give you an answer.
I don't know his or your age, so I must state here if both of you are in your teens or 20's, that all these years are ones of learning what you do ad and don't need and want. Yes, there are people who are exceptions to this but generally, when its males, most don't tend to even give a thought to what they want and are content going where the blowing wind takes them until they wise up in late 20s but usually into their 30s. I have watched a video dating blog by two guys in their 30s who were regretful of all the wonderful women they skipped over, played with their feelings and never committed to and of course, had no clue what would be the perfect woman for them. My 2nd husband had an idea of what he was looking for, he was divorced as I was and needed two things for certain or he wouldn't have even considered me at all. My list was bigger, 5 or 6 items he has to meet before I would even consider dating to check him out further.
Sometimes we go just for what we want, which isn't always what we need and there is a difference. A need is something which if missing in the guy, is a deal breaker because it is that vital to you that the man who you does have that quality you need. What I will paste in to share next, will help you to determine first if he is what you need and want. SO I will share this with you. If by the end of doing all the things on the list, you have determined that he is indeed the perfect man for you, then the only thing needed is for him to decided what it is he needs. Have him go through the same thing I give you and see if he can come up with a list of what he wants and if you aren't it, no matter that you feel he's right for you, it won't work. Sadly you will have to keep looking.
If was done doing everything my instructions entail you now know as its too obvious, that you have been settling for less, then you know what to do, break it off.
Here it is:
How to find Mr. Right ( also works for finding Miss Right)
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost thirty year marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. (Even if you don't use a dating site, this step is important to help you decide what you need so do it!)
So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grand-kids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenarios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Another name for this is 'Needs'. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, that his son did, but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn't matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, then on a 3rd time asked out, tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. (A second date could mean he is still checking you out, to see if you were as great as he remembered from the first date. But if he asks a 3rd time, he is reasonably interested in you) Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions. But for me to be able to respond, don't put question in where you rate me, just look up columnists, find Dragonflymagic and from my own column there is a button to click to write to me. Good luck dear.
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