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cheating
My significant other who I Have been dating for two years and living with for a year thinks it is ok to continue seeing a female friend who he has had sex with before while I WAS DATING HIM. He also thinks its ok if I HAVE SEX WITH OTHERS. hE DOES NOT LOVE ME. sAID HE LIKES ME AND likes me living there. I do everything around the house. I have looked at his phone and he has a lock on it now. THis women lives two blocks from him and before her husband passed away she visited him quite often. shOULD i leave him
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
When making a decision whether to break up or stay, look at this short checklist.
1. Are you both contributing something good to each other, or is someone doing most of the work?
2. Do you enjoy intimate moments and share secrets, or are you distrusting of each other?
3. Did you manage enough time to get to know his/her habits or are you judging the qualities of your SO too early?
4. Is the person having friends with benefits without your consent?
5. Do you share significant values in life with each other, or do you butt heads on what you find most essential?
You know what to do.
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I can't tell you to leave him or not but will give you many things to think about so you make that decision yourself without any doubt or overthinking it.
First you need to ask yourself what your ultimate goal is when dating and living with a guy.
Is it to have a roommate because you prefer male roommates to female ones?
Are you lonely or maybe very social and you want a male for company, a social friend you have sex with?
You simply want a friend with benefits, nothing more.
You have a hope somewhere deep down to find a man that wants to marry you. If you are young, you may also want a man who wants to have children and would make a great Father as well.
Reality is, women find a guy they like and end up staing with him for years hoping that one day he will pop the question.
Another reality is women who don't need a marriage license, just the commitment from a man they trust 100% to live out their lives together, just without the piece of paper and a fancy wedding. You don't find this as much with younger gals, only older women who are widowed or divorced who don't care about the license. A piece of paper will not change a guys behavior after all and divorce or cheating is always an option too easy to manage.
If you decide you are okay with living with a man who doesn't love you and has not made a commitment to you, then of course stay and be happy.
If you are not happy, why? How did this relationship ever come about if he never loved you? It may be that your idea of what love is versus what love truly is, are very different. Some females think if a guy says he loves you that you can count on the words alone. That is where they run into trouble. Words are cheap. I can go into a job interview and say a bunch of stuff about myself and my capabilities that is not true, sound real convincing and get hired. Then I am trying to keep from being fired because everything I do, all my work and my actions show the boss I haven't got a F&%*ing clue what I am doing. The same with love, men want something from a female, companionship, sex but without any commitment or love. So using my hiring story, if he is spouting words of love to get you, like getting the job position of boyfriend, what you should expect from this (employee) boyfriend? How will you be able to tell that whatever he says, he knows how to do? By watching him of course, by taking account of ALL his actions towards you.
See, a person who truly loves you, will have found the female he wants to be near and spend time with for the rest of his life. He knows all your spots and wrinkles, and instead of them being an issue to him, he knows he has his own and chooses to love you as you are without expecting you to change one little thing about you. (This all goes the same for the female loving a male)When you truly love a person, even mundane tasks and chores are more fun simply because the two of you are doing it together. You both do simple things for each other that you could do yourself but they do it, not because they are asked to, they voluntarily do so out of their love. An example, both are watching TV, one gets up to refill a coffee, one says, I'm getting myself another cup of coffee, is there anything I can get you while I'm in the kitchen.
If he is hetero all the way, males will look at other women or notice them, it is inherent in the nature of how males are. this is not a bad thing if done discretely and they are simply enjoying the beauty but not having a desire to bed her. I am not saying their males parts might not take notice. All the willpower in the world can not stop this from happening, it is a biological body response to what their eyes saw. Its like the penis has a mind of its own and thus the saying about men having two heads. If something like this happens, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It is when he stops looking at you with desire, or never does, that is the telling point here. In my first marriage, the man told a counselor at the end that he never loved me. And I can tell you that in 30 years with him, I never saw desire in his eyes for me. This is something a man cannot fake. You can't even count on an erection as saying he loves and desires you, still wants you. Why? Because he may be thinking of another woman or the girly magazine he recently looked at. What you are looking for is consistency in a person.
A person will tell you things about themselves. they can say they are patient and have no anger problem. Okay, then maybe they mess up once and is the guy truly loves you, it will hurt him to see you upset or in tears and he will feel like a rat if he inadvertently did this to you, without intentionally planning to. This is Love. In my 2nd marriage, my husband (9 yrs now) did something one that upset me. I knew he didn't think it was something that mattered to me so I explained how and why it bothered me and ended up crying. He was horrified that he had done something simple that made me upset. He promised that day he would never do it again and he has been consistent. No other mess ups scattered throughout the relationship on that one issue. He gave his word and kept it, something many men and women don't do today or even care to do because they think they are fine just as they are and don't have to change. So what if his natural tendency is to give a loving slap to your butt. In private, at home you have no problem but done in public, it bothers you because you are a very private quiet person. If he is told that what he did innocently and meant no harm, actually bothered you, then he will never repeat this action. This shows he has respect for you and actually cares how it affects you.
These are just a few things I have shared and there is much more. So far, how do you think your boyfriend is doing? If you think he is following what I said completely, then all your complaints are really just in your imagination.
If he is not following any of this, then you have your answer and this man does not love or care about you. If that is the case, then there is no reason to stay with him and keep pretending you have found your knight in shining armor, for he does not sound like a keeper. Why hang on to him unless you have hoarding tendencies and want to keep him as part of the treasures you bring home, something to look at every once in a while.
Think of a true treasure for you, like finding a ring in the sand at the beach and when you have a jeweller look at, thinking it is cheap, you find out it is a rare antique and worth a ton of money. You are going to be excited about this find and want to tell anyone and everyone, family, friends about this treasure you found. People can do this with a person if they find the perfect person for them, they are everything they ever wanted and more, then they will tell and want to show you off to everyone in their life. You know he doesn't do this.
You look at your situation as him cheating on you. To me, I see it differently. He can't be cheating on a woman whom He is not in love with and has never made commitments to, and doesn't treat like a Queen or a treasure. He simply fooled you or you did not have the life experience to see the real picture here. Calling you his girlfriend without treating you as the one thing that gives him reason to live, doesn't count, same as saying I love you without actions to prove it.
I hope this is beginning to become clear in your mind. The real telling thing that hurts is him telling you its okay if you go have sex with others. He didn't ask if this was something you wanted, he never took your feelings into consideration. Some women, a few who are willing to have sex with someone who is married, or when they have made a commitment to another, and do so not once, but repeat over and over are in actuality training these men to believe there are plenty of women who will be okay with him being the playboy and making no commitment to any of them. the bad thing is they begin to assume all women are capable of being this way, just get the female to think you love them and you will be able to get them to do anything, put up with anything because of the love they feel. First, their love might be real but it is certainly misplaced on a man who doesn't deserve it. Yet many women stay with such a man for what ever reasons, maybe hoping they can change him.
Heres another problem. Any one person can not convince someone to change, no matter what the change is. Change is something that has to come from the inside, a desire, a want to be better, improve. So no matter how long you stay, if he is happy with and believes the life he is living is the perfect one and needs no messing with or changes, nothing you say or do will change it. Trying to continue down this road is like banging your head against a wall, the only person who is gonna hurt, is you.
I will end with something many females don't seem to be able to tell the difference between and that would be lust and love. Too many times They believe that what a guy is doing to win them over is because he is interested in dating them and has feeligs for them, when it goes no deeper than your skin, he simply wants to have sex with you and satisy himself. Very seldom is a womans needs considered when the man is so selfish, thinking of only himself. So the great sex she thinks she is having actually pales in comparison to sex from a man who will be head over heels in love with you for the rest of your life, no matter what you look like because we all age and lose our youthful beauty. Often a man who never loved his wife will divorce her when she starts looking older. Maybe a guy does love to a degree, not fully, only enough to be good enough for him but its not good enough for her.
So if you want more from a relationship, maybe even a man who wants only you and to be with you for the rest of your and his life, doing everything in his power to make you happy and feel loved respected and cherished, then I shouldn't have to say yes or no to leaving him. You already know he isn't ever going to be what you really want.
For the future, look for a man who is already everything you need in a husband/significant other for long term or life long. Don't ever choose someone who comes close and hope he will eventually change while you two are together. So yes, you may have to hunt for a while. I was patient and it took about 2 1/2 years of being on a dating site and using it as a tool to know of the existence of someone and meeting in person for coffee dates immediately if they seemed to pass, before my husband wrote me. I knew immediately he was different from anyone else who'd ever written. He was a breath of fresh air when others opening lines were along the lines of 'Do you know how hot looking you are?" or "I'll bet you can really please me in bed." If this is the first thing a guy can say, there is something wrong. Clearly they are only thinking of me as a sex toy, nothing more. The first says I am hot, will he think the same when I am 40, 50, 60 or older? I met a girl whose husband told her in front of everyone at a party that she was getting fat and called her some terrible derogatory names along those lines. The fact was, she was cute, trim and petite and had no extra pounds on her. In her outfit, there was no room to hide extra pounds or blemishes and such.
the second example I saw lots of as to pleasing him in bed, is already backwards, he is thinking of himself, not her pleasure and will be a lousy lover. He won't put forth effort to see her pleasured first. Important as women tend to take longer to heat up but once hot, they can keep going and going like the 'Ever ready Bunny'. LOL but thats true. It is when both the man and the womans intent is to please their partner first that a wonderful thing happens, they are both pleased and satisfied at the same time. Lastly, if you want a document on How to Find Mr. Right, which is more training, easy and simple to follow and understand and parts of it are already woven into what I've said here, then I would be glad to give it to you. But the only way I can do that is if you write directly to me this time, looking up Dragonflymagic under columnist search at the left, and once on my site, writing to me from there to request it. I used all the info in there when searching for my 2nd husband and it helped me to recognize the Prince I had when I met him.
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