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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Alright, My name's Nikki, I'm 15, female, and I have a bit of an issue. I dated this guy last year in my freshman year of High school. We'll call him Alex. Well, Alex & I dated for about a few weeks, then I went through this awkward stage of not wanting to be in a relationship at the moment. It was pretty early on in school, & I didn't want to attach myself to a certain person so quickly, you know? I wanted to get to know some more people before I started dating again. Whenever I broke up with Alex, he was pretty upset & he thought it was because of some other guy that I didn't want to date him anymore. I will admit, there were plenty of cute guys in a few of my classes, & about 2 I had a slight crush on, but Alex was throwing things completely out of proportion. I'm the kind of girl that usually wont date someone unless I think we can be friends. Well, somehow, I'm still not quite sure how, but somehow, Alex guilted me into dating him again. And a few weeks later, that same feeling of....I'm not sure how to put it....constriction? came upon me again, so therefore, I broke up with him once more. I just did not want to be in a relationship. Soon, it started to become a vicious circle & I ended up dating him at least 3 more times during the length of the school year. After it all ended, he blamed me for everything bad that happened to him, & even though we shared a whole lot of great memories, he could be a bit on the ignorant side. I asked him to be friends with me every time we broke up, but it was always the same response "No, I could never be friends with you. I'd date you, But I could never be friends with you." Now, this boy means alot to me. & I really do mean ALOT. I would give anything to spend some time with him like nothing bad ever came between us. But now he absolutely refuses to talk to me unless its to insult me for all the times I've broken his heart. I would do anything to fix it. I've tried to just forget him like he's tried to forget me, but I just can't. I keep thinking about random little moments we had together whenever I'm doing stuff that's nowhere NEAR related to that thought. School's gonna start pretty soon for me. He'll be a Junior, & I a Sophomore. I'm scared to see him again because I'm unsure of what will happen between us. I'm in a relationship with a certain guy right now, & I'm really happy, but I just can't get over Alex. I don't have any feelings for him other than the wishful hope for friendship, but I know he'll never forgive me. All I'm asking for is anyone to help me get over him completely, or at least a suggestion as to something I could try to at least somewhat fix things between us.
PS: just as a side note, Alex is the type of guy that loves to exaggerate things a bit too much. He gets angry over the smallest things, and if there's a memory in his head of a past incident, he never seems to let it go.
Someone help. Please?
The Answer
Stop talking to Alex.
Nothing you can do can turn a guy like that into your friend. He is too selfish. He is using his 'friendship refusal' to punish you and blame you. That is really low and self-involved. Even if he agreed to be friends, you can bet he’d make it a drama fest all about him in a matter of weeks.
I know that we all want to be on good terms with our exes, it makes us feel mature and certain that things are okay, but it's not always possible.
You can't fix things with this guy. You shouldn't try. Just give him a wide berth. If it comes up with Alex, remind him that you've tried to be friends in the past, and it's hurt both of you. So, although you still care for him, you are going to give you both a lot of space and time so you don’t fall back into old habits.
Truth is you are over him. If you don't want him back as a boyfriend, then you ARE over him. What you are feeling now, is guilt and remorse and that plays right into his hands. He has used your guilt before to blackmail you, and his friendship refusal was just another way of doing the same thing and trying to blame you for his fuckups.
There is nothing this guy would love more then you trying to be his friend and validating his belief that everything is all about him.
If anyone asks just say 'Yeah, I was really hoping we could be friends, but it just doesn't make either of us happy. So I’m trying not being friends for a while.’
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The Question
so im 17/f, going on 18 next month. i've been talking to this guy, 21/m, for a few days. he seems really nice & people have told me that he is. he's interested in me and wants to take me to a dinner and a movie this weekend. i just want to know if there's anything different about dating an older guy. most guys i've dated have been less than a year older than me. i know every girl says this, but i am mature for my age in the way that i act. im not some stupid little teenager. obviously i know that if he tries to use me for sexual stuff, to drop him & get out. but just any experiences about dating an older guy you could tell me would be great. do they act different than guys that are, say, 18? how are they in relationships? anything like that.
The Answer
Frankly, when I see a question about a teen dating someone older then them, it's NEVER the maturity of the teen I doubt. I worry about the maturity of the older person who would choose to date someone with much less life experience then they have....
Having said that, 18 to 21 isn't an unbearable difference at all.
Like in all relationships, the thing to do is LISTEN very carefully to what he says, not just what you hope he is saying. People leave clues, when they talk about how they treated exes and in the way they address you and their friends.
Keep your eyes out for the standard signs of a manipulator:
Someone who tries to blame their mistakes or bad choices on someone else ("She was really cold so I could help but cheat!" or 'She seduced me').
Someone who tries to control what you do by being depressed or unhappy when he doesn't get his way or when you express your unhappiness or stress.
With an older guy, especially make sure that you don't become the center of his universe. At 21 he should have some adult ambitions and interests in work and hobbies. If YOU are his main interest, that can be a good clue why he needs to date someone younger then him. A women with a few more years then you would have a firm hold on her own adult interest and ambitions, and would be less likely to find that focus flattering and more likely to find it annoying. Teens are more likely to still be figuring out those things, and willing to overlook his lack of adult interests…
Although it is not always fair, it is often true that guys and girls who date people significantly younger then themselves do so because they can’t attract someone the same age. That is about their lack of maturity, not the teenagers.
But like I said, just keep your eyes and ears open. Pay attention to what is really going on, not just what you wish was.
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The Question
Okay, so there's a guy I met this summer (we work together) and I had a really big crush on him. Then he told me that he liked me. I'm not too interested in being in a relationship right now, though. he was okay with that, but he keeps acting all boyfriend-ish. It would be okay, except that I don't really like him anymore. The more we talked, the more I realized he really wasn't my type. I feel terrible because he thinks I still like him and is all hopeful that I'll change my mind about dating sometime in the future. I really, really don't want to hurt him. I know the most reasonable answer is to come right out and tell him I don't like him anymore, but thats such an awful thing to say! I thought it'd be okay after I told him I just wanted to be friends, but it gets really uncomfortable when he tells me how much he likes me and that he thinks I'm beautiful, etc.
help!!!!!!
The Answer
You are going to have to hurt him to save him from himself but, conviently, you don't actually have to come right out and say you don't like him.
You've already given yourself the prefect way out.
Tell him this:
"You are a good guy, but the more I think about it the more I realize how much I don't want a relationship right now. Nothing you can do will change my mind. So, please stop treating me so boyfriendly and complimenting me all the time. It's not what I want and it makes me uncomfortable.'
If he pushes, yeah, you might need to tell him that you just aren't feeling that 'crush' anymore. It's not an awful thing to say. It's much kinder then giving him false hope, and much nicer then just being a bitch to him because you really want him to stop his lovey-dovey behavoir but don't have the nerve to tell him so...
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The Question
I am a Wiccan, and I believe (just not completely). I have I Wiccan spell book, and it says I need to completely believe in it, before it will work. I was taught not to believe in magic, but I have started to believe (but not enough to get the spells to work). Can anyone help me believe completely?
The Answer
Connect with other wiccans. Speak to them online and ask them questions. Faith is not just personal; it is also a matter of community.
Also, it's also worth it to remember that the book you have is a PRODUCT. Someone packaged, it marketed and sold it to you. It was designed to get your money. In order to sell more of the book, it must appear that the book is successful in delivering effective spells.
Everyday people complain to the manufacturers of weight loss programs and pills, and the manufacturers tell them 'Well, obviously you didn't do it right, because our product works!'
Your spell book is tagging on a similar warning 'If these spells don't work, it's because you didn't do it right/don't believe enough.'
It’s bullshit when diet companies do it, and it’s bullshit when religious/self-help books do it.
Talk to other, preferably adult wiccans. Send out some e-mails or join forums where there are reputable adult practitioners. They can recommend some good exercises and first ‘spells’ for you to perform. They will also likely tell you this: Many wiccans do not practice spell craft or witchcraft and some believe the whole idea of ‘spells’ to be a modern misunderstanding.
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The Question
I'm 15 years old, and im currently with someone that is 31, And I can honestly say I have VERY strong feeling for him. I know that sounds SO bad, if someone ever told me that I would be speechless. I also im aware that it is illegal. But I am very mature for my age, and im not satisfied being with guys my age. Their just way to immature. I just would like some feedback on what you guys think? (Please no rude comments) Thanks!
The Answer
Age is not just an arbitrary number; it’s a solid gauge for life-experience and a loose one for self-awareness.
That’s why this is wrong. That is why you know this wrong, and illegal. Because no matter what you do, or how you swing this, you CANNOT communicate as equals in a relationship when you are 15 and he is 30.
I can state with utter confidence that most normal, well-adjusted 30 year old men would run to the nearest psychologist if they ever seriously thought about having a relationship with a 15 year old. Sex, sure, but not a relationship.
Of course, that has nothing to with you! I’m sure you are an amazing and desirable young lady, but A 30 year old who would want to be with a young teen has some really unsettling demons lurking around. Mentally healthy 30 year old men don’t troll for dates at the local high school.
A 30 year old who thinks a romantic relationship with a young teen is okay is immature, probably an under-achiever, and damn likely a control freak to boot, and that is the best case scenario! The worst case scenario is that he has a thing for young flesh and will use you, and then dump you when you become too old for him.
There really isn’t another explanation. If he was mentally sound, and didn’t have issues with control or fetishes for teenage sex… he’d date someone his own age, so as not to go to jail! No matter how you swing it, no matter how wonderful you are, when he first realized that he was attracted to you the risk of being with you outweighed all possible benefits for him, unless he not mentally sound.
Again, I’m sure you are a wonderful young lady and very desirable, but just because guys your own age are idiots (and yeah, they generally are) doesn’t make this okay. Nothing makes it okay. You are being victimized by an unhealthy older man.
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The Question
So I'm not sure this is in the right category but what ever.
14/f
So ever since I was in 5th grade weird things have happened. I fell like in a way I am what you could call "phycic" (how ever you spell it)
For example: In 5th grade one day, I was in school. During class I was thinking about there being a school fire or bomb threat or something and the cops would come etc. About 10 minutes after that class, there was a bomb threat in the 5th grade girls bathroom. The whole school was evacuated and the cops came etc.
When I was in 6th grade I was in the car with my mom and my brother, I was think about car accidents. About 5 minutes later we got into the biggest car accident in the history of the town. I got hurt and almost had to go to the hospital. I was the only one who was injured.
About 2 weeks ago, I was in the kitchen, but was busy doing something so never looked up. It was my cousins wedding day and she was having the wedding at my house. I was thinking about something tragic happening. When I looked up I started coughing because my kitchen was covered with black smoke. My mother came out and forgot there was pizza boxes in the oven and earlier turned it on. When we opened the over the boxes were on fire and our kitchen went up in flames.
There isn't really any more of the story needed.
I am really freaked out because weirder things and scarier things have happpend to me.
I don't know what to do.
Is there something wrong with me or is it all just in my head?
The Answer
It's all in your head. Literally
Of course, I don't believe in psychics. psychics have been trying to prove they exist for almost 40 years, and to this date they have failed every single test that science has put to them. If psychics existed, they would be utilized by every police station, government agency and CEO in the world. They aren't, because they don't.
Having said that, your brain is a fabulously amazing little instrument. I've use this example to help answer another question recently, but I think it will help me to explain my answer to you as well:
There was an experiment done at a university where people were given two decks of cards, a red deck and a blue one. Each card either gave points, or took points away. The red deck was rigged to take points away more often then to give them, and the blue deck was rigged to give more points then it took away. The doctors wanted to see how long it would take for people to figure this out. It took about 80 cards for people to be able to SAY that the blue deck was better, but after only 10 cards, most people started to favor the blue deck and avoid the red.
So you see the brain had already figured out what was happening, AND changing the behavior accordingly in a almost a tenth of the time before the person could actually tell you what was happening.
So why were you aware of these things? It makes perfect sense that your brain noticed something odd on the road or strange in another drivers actions, before you were able to connect the thoughts together, and imagined an accident taking place. It is even more likely that your brain was aware of the smoke or burning smell in your home before you were fully aware of it, and conjured up a sense of impending doom to get your attention and warn you.
If you had an image of the cars before hand and could say that it would be an accident with 24 vehicles and 1 truck caused by a brown sedan that would be being psychic... but having a bad feeling, is just human, and it's totally natural.
Our brain takes in a lot of information that it decides isn't important enough to bother the conscious mind with. Bad feelings like you describe are often caused by information we are receiving in that non-conscious way.
The other explanation for doom-thinking is that you are human! In the absence of solid evidence the human brain will almost always jump to the WORST possible explanation. We spend a lot of time, just sitting around, imaging bad things happening. For instance, if you found a lump on your breast, at your age it's more likely a fatty cist or water cist, but that isn't what you'd think! Your brain would automatically jump to the worst case scenario: Cancer! Then you'd start imaging painful treatments and maybe your own funeral. That doesn't mean you are going to die! It would still be just a cist. That just means that doom-thinking is more interesting to our brains then thinking 'Meh, probably nothing. I'll make an appointment tomorrow. Let's go have pizza'
I'm sorry to burst your bubble but I do hope you will take what I'm saying seriously. There is no scientific reason, at all, to believe in ESP, but there are hundreds of studies that suggest the brain works in the way I've laid out.
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The Question
Is it wrong to want my boyfriend to lose his baseball tournament (best in the province tournament) because i want him to come to the beach with me? Mind you its been a while since we've hung out. But baseball is his passion, lol.
The Answer
The only one who can answer that question is your boyfriend.
It's perfectly okay to wish it, and perfectly okay to ask him. Just be polite and understanding if his response is 'No way!'
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The Question
How often should a couple in their 20's go out together. Mind you we both work and have baseball a few nights a week.
The Answer
As often as works for you.
Some couples find they need, and want, almost every moment they can get togeather. Other lead quite seperate lives, content to enjoy just a bit of time with thier partner.
No two couples are going to be the same. What is important is that you reach an arrangment that leaves both parties satasfied and achieving what they want in life... Amoung two consenting adults there are only a few 'shoulds', and a whole bunch of negotionations and compromises. This is of the later.
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The Question
so i know this sounds like i\'m being totally used but i really don\'t think i am. so just read this.
i met a guy online he\'s 22 and i\'m 17. we talked online for a few weeks and then i gave him my number and we talked like all the time for a few months. the whole time he was talking about how he wanted to meet me but i was like i don't know. eventually i agreed to meet him and he picked me up and brought me to his house.. not very smart on my part i know but nothing bad happened.
since then we've had sex and its very good but i feel really guilty since he's older and i don't think thats legal and if my dad found out he would kill me. ive tried to tell him that i don't think we should talk anymore but every time i do i'll go a few days without talking to him and it's like unbareable.
so yeah but thats not the biggest problem. he says he loves me and i know that most guys his age have bad intentions with girls my age but he\'s put up with so much from me that i really think he means it. and isn\'t just like using me for sex because i\'m the one who made the first move even tho he was probably thinking about it. he says he loves me and i\'m the most perfect girl he\'s ever met and that he wants to stay with me forever and have kids and blah blah blah....
i don\'t know.. i mean i like him and he's always really sweet to me and i think he's attractive but i don\'t think i love him... and i know i don\'t want to marry him and he's talked about it some and i\'m like woah. so basically what i\'m looking for is any opinions on my situation. like what i should do or what you think or whatever.
The Answer
The good news is that what you are doing is not illegal.
The bad news is that no matter how hard you try you two can't be on the same chapter in your lives.
This is problem with teens dating twenty somethings. It's not the number of years that is the problem, it's the life experience and desires that those years bring.
He is ready to think about each girl he meets as possible marriage material. That makes sense. He is 22. He probably wants to get married in the next 2 to 5 years, ideally.
You are seventeen. You shouldn't be thinking about each guy you date as marriage material! You should still be dating around a bit and figuring out what you want from a partner. PLUS You have a shit load of other things to figure out first... high school... maybe college... then a job and how you would like to live your independent life. Marriage might be in your plans, but it's a vague 5 to 10 year plan at best.
So you see, your life plans just don’t match up right now. They can’t.
That doesn’t make either of you bad people. That just makes you bad for eachother.
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The Question
For some reason, I can't cry at funerals because I just don't cry that often.
But I was wondering if this was bad or heartless? Because once my cousin got mad at me because I wasn't crying at her dad's funeral and it makes me feel awful that I can't cry during these times.
Are there any other ways to display emotion, if not in tear-form?
The Answer
If you don't cry, spend a lot of time staring at the floor.
Failing to make eye contact and looking down will help people see that you are upset, and unhappy, without nesscarily crying.
Forgive your cousin and don't worry about what they said. They just lost thier father, and wasn't thinking quite straight. If you apoligize, don't bother saying 'I never cry.' they will only think you are lying. Say instead 'I never meant to hurt you.' or 'I was really in shock.' or 'I just don't know what to do when things are that terrible.' Those things are probably true, and will help a person know that you are feeling and connecting with them, even without tears.
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The Question
My 12 year old son has a neighborhood friend (who spends alot of time at our house). He is a very nice boy, who doesn't have alot of friends because he can be "a pain in the neck" (according to my son) and we believe because of his hygiene. His odor is very offensive and we don't even like when he sits on the furniture in the house. He has been in the car with us on a few occasions and it is necessary to open the windows to cut some of the smell. Here's the really tough part... how do we handle this. I would like to pull him to the side and speak to him about taking showers and wearing clean clothes, but the other part of me thinks we should speak to his parents. The problem with this is his mom is not very "clean" either. What should I do??
The Answer
Tell the parents.
The boy is too young to be confronted by strangers about his grooming habits, he really is. Think of the impact it would have on him, no matter how gentle you might be, it would probably frighten him a great deal to be 'pulled aside' by adults he doesn't have a close relationship with. In your home you can enforce simple rules, in fact they might even be helpful to him. Things like washing up before meals or after playing with pets and the like.
But it's his parents who need to be told.
Soften the blow to them by shifting responsibilty.
Start with something like "I know how secretive little boys can be, but I'm hearing that your son gets teased a lot because of his odor. I have noticed it myself sometimes. I know sometimes when you are close to your child you don't notice these these things, I just thought I'd tell you that his body might be getting to that point where he needs to learn about deoderant and things like that."
Keep your message focused on 'I hear the poor boy is getting teased.' rather then 'I don't want your stinky child in my home.'
Rather then suggesting he has 'bad hygiene' suggest instead that he becoming a teenager, and well teenage boys ARE stinky. They have to learn a few new things in order to not be stinky!
Parents don't always expect teasing to be complete rational or realistic, but they do generally want to defend thier child agianst it. It's still the truth of the stituation, and probably a truth that his parents would be more willing to hear.
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The Question
17/f
Lately I have been seeing this extremely 'nice' guy. Yet somehow I never got too involved with him, I just always stood back a little bit. I sure was right not to get involved. He left his hotmail open at my house and when I went to close it I couldn't help but notice emails from several girls.
Of course I looked at them - I had a weird feeling towards him. I know it was wrong. I found that all in the same day he would tell his ex girlfriend how much he 'loved' her, receive naked photos from a girl with a boyfriend, and have another girl begging him not to tell anyone that he and her had sex because her boyfriend was already suspicious that she was cheating.
Wow! What a loser. I can't get rid of him right away because he will put it together that he left his email open; but I am going to have nothing to do with him in the future.
How do I get rid of him in a non suspicious way? I am either going to do that and leave quickly or have a talk with him saying I 'heard' some things. I am not afraid to confront this jerk. He knows I'm absolutely confident and exactly how I handle jerks - no sympathy. I feel like it's my job to stop him or at least make him feel horrible about himself so maybe he will stop. Any advice or suggestions? Thanks.
The Answer
Why hide the truth? The truth is, you made a mistake rooted in curiosity, and he is a total man whore…
You made a mistake, yes, however that doesn't make his behavior all right. If it were only one of those things... give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but if he's had all three of those girls connected to him in that way in a span of 24 hours, you can safely call him on that.
In your position, I'd tell him "Hey, look I'm really sorry, you left your hotmail open and I looked at some stuff. It was totally wrong of me. Oh, and by the way, we're through. Goodbye."
He isn't going to tell anyone what you did, because if he does, then you'll have to tell them what you found and why that resulted in a break-up.
It's not your job to stop him. You can’t even really, be that angry with him if there was no understand that your relationship was exclusive. In fact, nothing you can do or say likely too stop him. However, you can shame him pretty damn badly and label the behavior for what it is: low and scummy.
So tell him the truth. Tell him you caught him red-handed. Tell him that even though you did something wrong, that doesn't mean you have to be with a guy who would behave that way, and he should make himself scarce.
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The Question
I was raised Catholic and attended a private Catholic school from Pre-K through my senior year of high school. I just graduated in May.
Despite my Catholic upbringing, I am largely agnostic. I find Christians to be largely (though not completely) a hypocritical bunch crippled by Earthly desires. It pains me to watch churches around my hometown make multi-million dollar renovations, when that extreme sum of money could be used to benefit the poor of the world.
My biggest struggle: Christians will tell you that faith alone will save you. You need to have faith. Blahblahblah.
What if I CANNOT bring myself to believe? I have explored Christianity till I'm blue in the face. I am an intelligent, college-bound free-thinker and at this point in my life, I can't believe in God. If I were born with a less rebellious, more accepting nature, there is a good possibility that I would not have rebelled or questioned my religious upbringing and would still be Christian today.
What am I supposed to do? Pretend? I can go to church, read the Bible, pray yet I am unable to bring myself to believe in something I truly know does not exist.
If God gave me this personality, would he really damn a person to hell for being unable to believe because it went against their nature and conscience?
The Answer
Would he damn you for that? Yes. According to the Catholic Church and many Christian denominations, God would damn you if you didn’t repent for that choice.
Many Christian denominations believe doubt comes from the devil, and the only cure to it is turning back to God. The Catholic Church, despite anything softer things they might say, do ascribe to the belief that doubt in a Catholic is the devil’s work. Therefore the Catholic solution to doubt is faith… if you can’t have that faith you are either obstinate or being influenced in some way by Satan.
Feeling as you do, I’m sure you can see why that solution is not a very useful one. We can be utterly naïve and think that the moon is made of blue cheese in order not to be obstinate (which is a sin) or to prove to ourselves and others that we are not affected by the devil, but I, like you, don’t think a faith that is that ‘child-like’ in nature is actually beneficial, but the bible certainly can be interpreted as saying it is the only kind of true faith.
Some people take a slightly more liberal view of doubt and believe Christian faith survives questioning and the serious intellectual inquiry, but that wasn’t my experience either. I took theology and philosophy courses for years. I gobbled up every book that was offered by a mathematician or physicist claiming an empirical theory of ‘God’. I read existentialism, even when it made me want to scream. Nothing.
I think the only true prayer I ever prayed was asking God to give me faith.
Ten years later, still not much to show on that one.
It wasn't until I accepted my lack of faith that I could actually appreciate the church and Christianity for what is was, a valuable community and source of guidance for many. Despite all the evils of organized religion, I deeply respect them and the role they play in this world. The faithful are capable of a great deal of good.
Of course, the faithful are also capable of just as much evil and materialism as those without faith.
So eventually I came to a similar position as you. A God who values my ability to subject myself to his will and deny my own sense of reason, is one I am not comfortable worshipping. I cannot accept that I am under the influence of the devil or a force of evil or purely materialist concerns. I have continued to live in accordance with many of my Christian values and I can confidently say that I am a moral person. I still enjoy mass, the music and the stories but I consider myself a reverent agonist: I believe faith has a value, just like marriage has a value, or a graduate degree has a value, but that that value doesn’t mean I am required to choose it, and refuse everything else.
When I was a young child a priest once told me that doubt it the mark of the truth believer… I’ve never known quite what to make of that, but I do know that I have a more personal, valuable and comfortable relationship with ‘God’ as an doubting agnostic, then I ever had as a Catholic or a Christian, and that is certainly say something.
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The Question
13/f
Well I watch some porn on the internet sometimes and i just wanted to know if it is wrong for me to do that. Like it just makes me feel good and stuff and i think it might be keeping me from having sex. ( I know its kind of personal.)
The Answer
Many people will tell you porn is fundamentally wrong. Many people hold moral or religious beliefs that tell them that porn is sinfully, or degrading to women or just plain gross.
I'm not one of those people.
I think pornography can have a place in a person's life that’s healthy, so long as it doesn't interfere with your relationships with others and so long as you aren't watching pornography that is of illegal or immoral behavior (rape, underage, ectra.) I know a lot of people who enjoy a bit of pornography, but are otherwise kind and respectful people with happy relationships.
If you ARE a person who believes porn is sinful or degrading to women, don’t watch it. If you think its wrong, don’t do it, because you’ll only end up feeling bad about yourself.
However, if you think that there is nothing inherently wrong with pornography, then go ahead. Just like anything else from shopping to eating ice cream, make sure that it isn’t something that causes problems in your life, or take the place of normal relationship, sexual or otherwise, with other people.
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The Question
Alright. My boyfriend broke up with me last March, leaving me to chase after another girl and reasoning that we just "didn't get along anymore."
I was devastated. I had been together with him for over 3 years and had spent the majority of our time together. He was my best friend and other half. He didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks, most of which I cried.
When he came back from college for the summer, we were on cordial enough terms that we thought we could see each other briefly, perhaps share a beer or two and catch up. We began to hang out more frequently, and soon found ourselves having sex again on a regular basis. He maintained that while he "wanted to be my friend," he "still didn't want to get back together with me."
Things with him and the girl he had been chasing after subsided. I meanwhile grew frustrated since I still loved him after all this time, and eventually decided to move on to someone else.
Old boyfriend now calls me all the time, tells me he feels "weird and sick" when he pictures me and my new guy together. He recently left for a 3 day trip to Chicago and said that he knew me and this new guy were going to spend all that time together which made him feel "nauseous."
What's up with this? Advice?
The Answer
Tell him to go vomit in someone else's ear, and leave you well enough alone.
He wanted to be your friend, but casual sex was cool! Now that he can't get casual sex no more... well boo hoo... he thinks maybe if he gives you a little bit of hope he can get things back to the way they were. With you waiting patiently for him and him doing whatever the hell he felt like, whenever he felt like it.
Tell him if were a real friend, he would keep his feelings to himself after expressing them honestly once and stop screwing with your mind.
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The Question
this question is about this one link: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=546035
and i was the one that asked this question here is the link :
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=545945
what i wanted to ask was how do i deal with it now that he had seemed to turn things around and made to be like i am the bad person. the reason i think that was because when i interrupted them talking he looked at me in a scary way. my reaction was i didn't say anything bad but i did what you told me to ignore those kinds of things. and i feel like i just need extra help on that.
The Answer
Thank you very much for the links, that helps enormously!
DON'T READ SO MUCH INTO THIS.
So, he gave you a nasty look. That is very immature of him.
If the best thing he could come up with was a dirty look, that is great! That means you trying to be mature has already had an effect on him.
Now, you have to have a thicker skin, and skick to your plan of behaving yourself and being respectful, because he is going to try more things, to try and get you to respond badly.
Remember, he doesn't get to feel good about himself, until you do something wrong. So yes, he is going to try and turn this around on you. He is going to try really hard, to make you look bad, because if you don't, he will have to face the fact that he behaving like a turd.
So, take a deep breath and remind yourself that he can glare at you all day long if he wants too, it doesn't matter. You, are more mature then that. You can choose to communicate, clearly and respectfully. Apparently, he can't. Don't try to respond to or geuss what might be happening. A mature person doesn't make assumptions, they dicuss thing when someone brings them to thier attention in a respectful way.
Just stay strong. His behavoir will get worse before it gets better, but if you can withstand it, you'll be a stronger and smarter person, and he'll know it.
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The Question
There's this guy Joe, he's in the army in Iraq he's almost 22, has a 2 year old baby girl, and he's married at this point in time.
I am 16, female, single,in high school. Now I don't want to hear about the age difference because we're way passed that point, so please just help me on what I need help on.
I was at a coming home party for my bestfriends big brother Devon, that is so close to me that he might as well be my big brother, and for Joe. I saw Joe playing the guitar in the living room so I sat down staring at him, he was probably the most adorable guy I've ever seen in my life. I had a boyfriend then, of a year, and we ended up breaking up that night, so I was just trying to have some fun. Me and Joe both ended up crashing at Devons place and got to talking about everything there was to talk about. Until 7 am the next morning. All we did was kiss. We exchanged numbers and screennames. The next couple of times I saw him we bumped into each other at Devons house, kept talking, kept kissing. Now if Devon ever found this out we knew we'd get in a lot of drama considering that I was 15 and he was 20 and I was like his little sister. Over a period of quite a few months he went back to where he was stationed and we still saw each other a few times when he went on leave. We both made it clear to each other that we had feelings for each other and really wanted to be together but it was impossible, he was in the army always leaving and I was still trying to live my highschool life. I ended up getting a new boyfriend, and I still at the time tried to talk to Joe. A few months after I started dating someone else I got news that Joe got MARRIED, to the mother of his daughter. I told Joe that I wanted to be with him and I loved him and I felt betrayed but he came back at me with "what did you expect when you're seeing someone else." So now it's a year later, and we have started talking again. He's getting a divorce because his wife cheated on him. We've been talking about hanging out when he gets back in November, and nothing futher because when I found out about him getting married he told me all he could offer me was his friendship. I'm not sure if that's all he wants anymore and I'm honestly too afraid of the answer to ask. My question to you is how do I ask him what he wants to be? Because sometimes I never know if it's just sex he wants because we're always talking about it, obviously because we have a really big sexual attraction towards each other. Or if he actually wants something, how do I bring that upon asking someone but not making it offensive. And if he actually wanted to be with me, how does a 16 year old girl handle a boyfriend in Iraq with a baby? I do love him, I know that for sure, and I know he loves me. Whether it's real love, or friendship love.
BTW, He has told me before that I was the girl for him, and I make him feel like no other girl ever has, I do things that no other girl has ever done to him. I'm amazing, and I'm the girl he wants to be with for the rest of his life .. when he was in front of all his friends in the army.
The Answer
Joe married someone else, and is still married.
He is now in the throws of a divorce, and there is a child involved.
This is a MESS. It's a mess he is probably not capable of handling, and one you certainly aren't, nor should you be.
This isn't about age difference, this is about experience difference. His experience includes, marriage, a child, and six extra years, some spent overseas in the army. As much as you might care for and be attracted to each other, you are not, and CANNOT be on the same chapter of your life as he is.
Have you ever heard someone say of a past love that the timing just wasn't right? That is exactly what is happening here. The timing, of everything that is happening, is completely and utterly wrong.
You don't know how to handle this, because it simply isn't something a sixteen year old should ever be called on too handle!
What should you do? You should tell him that if he loves you, he will give you the space you need to finish whatever schooling you desire and he will preparing himself for an honest and proper relationship with you, by getting a divorce and establishing himself as a responsible adult as it regards his child.
In the time that it takes for these things to happen, the two of your should limit your conversation to very, very little. You shouldn’t see each other if you can’t control your hormones (this guy has already had one unplanned child, and you express concern that he is only after sex… he is not good mate potential at this point).
Don’t wait for him to tell you what he wants. Tell him what you want AND NEED. You need a man who is responsible for his past (ie, his marriage and divorce) and is prepared for his future (his child and life outside the army) and you need to be allowed to be sixteen, and not asked to deal with those issues which are completely beyond you and be able to finish school without the demands of an adult boyfriend and his child.
Don’t date him until you’ve graduated. I’m dead serious. He needs at least that amount of time to get his shit together and you deserve that time to just be a teen.
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The Question
I am 17-year-old straight girl, and the guy I like is gay. I've tried everything to get over him, but there just aren't any other guys left in my school that meet my standards. Is it okay to keep having a crush on him, knowing it will never happen, until I get to college and meet new people? He knows that I used to like him, but I let him think that I got over him because I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. I'm worried that if I make it clear that I still have some pretty strong feelings, he will keep feeling guilty and apologizing to me (which is what did before), or worse, decide to go out with me out of pity. I want to be honest, but I don't want to make things more awkward than they need to be. How much should I tell him?
The Answer
Knowing that it will never happen IS moving on.
The feelings might persist, and that is okay, but don’t tell yourself that you aren’t getting over him, because the idea that you just have to accept the feelings from what they are until distance and new experiences help you move on… that is very mature, and if you can follow through, a good way to deal with your emotions.
If he asks, tell him you know it will never happen and you are dealing with that. You can even gently joke that you are expecting a lot of fabulous seniors at college and you are sure you can find someone to help you forget all about your gay high school buddy.
That is the truth, and it’s the truth that is respectful of his feelings and your friendship.
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The Question
ok if you can remember i am the girl that asked the question about my moms boyfriend that annoys me. i am sorry for the repetition but now its like he knows about what i am doing here and i saw them talking outside i had something to ask my mom and he looked at me in a scary way. like why you behaving that way you stupid bitch. its like he is just totally mad and upset about me and my mom. see how he just interferes with everything. he cant just leave me alone. now what am i going to do. he doesn't misbehave anymore its all turned around on me now. he totally is just using my mom for income so obvious and my mom doesn't have a clue about it.
The Answer
I don't understand your question.
You describe a vague event, I have no idea what you are asking me to help with.
Also, I've adviced three girls in the last week who were upset with thier mom's boyfriend, it's best to link to your first question if you want to ask a follow-up.
Please do re-ask this question. Let me know what you want advice on, because in this question it's completely unclear.
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The Question
15/f
alright so i'm bulimic. well i don't really binge that often but i throw up like everything i eat. when school was in i told my friend because i wanted help, she went to the school counselor with me and i told him. he called my mom and told her. all i could do was cry i HATE talking about it because literlly all i do is cry because i feel so stupid for having this. so my mom took me to a psychologist and i didn't like so she didnt make me go back to that one. after that everyone just kinda ignored it. sometimes i wish i would have never told anyone because i hate when people worry about me. i didn't so it as much but then things got bad with my stepdad and recently it got a lot worse. i'm back to my old habits really bad gosh i hate it. i don't want to throw up but i my mind tells me i have to.
i don't know what to do anymore. i feel like crap all the time because i either don't eat or i throw up. i feel fat all the time and i was feeling better about myself. i know i'm not overweight by standards i'm 5'6" or 7" like between 120 and 127 because it fluctuates a lot. so what should i do?
any advice?
i wish i could just go somewhere and get rid of this like a program. i don't think my case is that bad though but who knows.
thanks for reading and thanks for the advice!
The Answer
Find another physiatrist or therapist and stick with it for at VERY least three sessions.
Therapy is painfully and exhausting, at first. It really is, but after you get used to it, you'll find it doesn't exhaust you and leave you feeling deflated and miserable. It will begin to lighten the burden and help you deal with the problems. I balled my eyes out on my way home from my first month of therapy, but by the time I’d stopped going that therapist was one of my best friends and therapy left me feeling lighter and more confident.
Please, give it at least three sessions. Try another person if you weren’t comfortable with the first, but talk therapy is really worth another try.
You are most definitely in miserable shape, but wanting to change is really the biggest hurdle! Now that you really know you want to stop, it will be easier.
You could talk to your therapist about a program and the like; there might be retreats or groups you can join where you can talk to other girls about the problem too, but that is really a conversation to have with a therapist.
I know I sound like I’m just repeating the same thing again and again, and well, I am. Talk therapy has been proven to be the most effective treatment for eating disorders, even more so then live-in treatment centers. It really is the best way to go.
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