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Problem with how to handle a difficult situation with my son's friend
My 12 year old son has a neighborhood friend (who spends alot of time at our house). He is a very nice boy, who doesn't have alot of friends because he can be "a pain in the neck" (according to my son) and we believe because of his hygiene. His odor is very offensive and we don't even like when he sits on the furniture in the house. He has been in the car with us on a few occasions and it is necessary to open the windows to cut some of the smell. Here's the really tough part... how do we handle this. I would like to pull him to the side and speak to him about taking showers and wearing clean clothes, but the other part of me thinks we should speak to his parents. The problem with this is his mom is not very "clean" either. What should I do??
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I agree with everyone else you should tell his parents. His parents know exactly how to tell him to be more clean because if you say anything to him he might feel offended and not want to hang out with your son any more
Veronica
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I agree with the others. If you tell anyone,
tell the parents.
However, I have another suggestion.
Your son must notice his friend not
smelling very good. Maybe he could
kind of "teach" his friend good
hygiene.
I don't know how exactly, but if he is
teased at school, and school is starting
soon, maybe it could be a "you know they
won't tease you so much if you do this
and this. Here I have a new can of
deodorant you can just have. Put it on
every night/morning after you shower."
That sort of thing.
The problem is probably with his parents.
If his mom isn't clean, she probably isn't
teaching him how. He's embarrassed but
don't know how to fix the problem and
may be to embarrassed to even ask. If
your son brings it up somehow and if he
looks up to your son, it may be the best
way. Maybe he will ask questions.
I've seen this type of parent before,
I'm afraid if you mention it they will
go on the offensive and not allow him to
come over to your house anymore. If your
son is about his only friend, he needs that friendship.
Very touchy subject. I hope you find
a way to help the boy.
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I completely agree with Razhie.
You definately should not go to the boy with this problem because he is young and probably in a stage of insecurity about his own body as it is (his peers are just starting to make a huge deal out of appearance, after all).
You should see the parents in person when raising this issue, and you should most definately not blame the parents in any way. Blaming the parents (though it is their fault by not teaching their child proper hygiene habits apparently) will only make them develop negative feelings toward you and your son, possibly causing them to dismiss your concern.
Razhie had a really great idea by saying that you have heard some of the other little boys snickering about the way the child smells and that you have taken the time to try to pick up the odor. Let them know that you know how it is difficult to keep a boy clean but you also know how hurt feelings at a young age can lead to the developing of other problems in the future. Simply let them know you are concerned for the child.
Blaming the odor on anything other than the parents is actually fairly easy. You can even suggest that when your son used a certain type of soap that it just didn't cut it for him or that when he only bathed every-other-day he developed an unpleasant odor that you didn't detect until a family friend pointed it out. If you go the soap routine, suggest a soap that you KNOW works well anyway. If you feel that the child is now in need of deodorant and that the parents have overlooked this then you can suggest something like:
"I noticed when Little Johnny uses X deodorant that his odor becomes very odd and unpleasant. I'm not sure what's in it but it just doesn't agree with him and after he uses it, it takes a full day for it to wear off of him although he washes daily. Y deodorant really works for him though so I'd say it's a pretty good deodorant for controlling adolescent sweat odors."
Try to relate to the parents if you can. If your son has ever come home smelly then let them know that and what you did to keep that from happening as often. When you do this, you will be trying to give them tips on proper hygiene without implying that they do not know what that means. This is a good example:
"Little Johnny came home a few times after playing hard at school. I know kids sweat a lot and get into dirt...I mean, they're boys! Anyway, I found that if I have Johnny wash with X soap thoroughly right after school things are a lot better and the house doesn't have that sweaty odor lingering around from him walking through it. He use to only wash at night before bedtime but every day right after school seems to help a whole lot."
You should most definately enforce hygiene habits around the child too in any way you can manage. Send the children to wash their hands right after school, before eating, after playing, etc. You can even have the children wash their faces after coming home from school, before dinner, after playing, etc. if you don't already. Have your son change into fresh, clean clothes for dinner every day (this will show the boy that people are suppose to be in clean clothes for dinner and he may develop an interest in bringing a clean set of clothes over eventually for such purposes; after a while you may even want to suggest to this boy that he bring an extra set for dinner if he comes over regularly). The boy may or may not pick up some of the good habits you teach at your house but you can be hopeful.
Try to make hygiene a big thing in your family. Talk openly about soaps and the importance of washing in front of the guest-child. Ask your son if he likes the current shampoo or soap. Engage in a full discussion of shampoos/soaps and why it's important to use it each day. Let your son know if a deodorant is handling his scent well and try to make discussion about how their are many different types of deodorants, how they work, why they're needed, and how lovely some of the smells are. Start discussions about people who didn't know they needed to [shower daily, use deodorant daily, wash their hands before mealtime, etc.] and that you were a little shocked that you how you had to explain to them why it was important to--then explain to your family why it is important to do whatever it is you're discussing. Even if your child already knows these things you are only reinforcing GOOD habits. The more frequent the talk of hygiene, the more the guest-child will want to participate and he may end up changing his habits just do that.
In the meantime, purchase a fabric freshener for your couches and such for when he leaves the house so you can freshen them up from the odor. It almost sounds silly but a pet-odor-remover would probably be best since the smell is of a living being.
If you become close with the family at some point then this question may help you help them:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I wish you luck on helping the child out with his odor problem! If you have any more questions relating to this subject, please feel free to ask me :)
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Tell the parents.
The boy is too young to be confronted by strangers about his grooming habits, he really is. Think of the impact it would have on him, no matter how gentle you might be, it would probably frighten him a great deal to be 'pulled aside' by adults he doesn't have a close relationship with. In your home you can enforce simple rules, in fact they might even be helpful to him. Things like washing up before meals or after playing with pets and the like.
But it's his parents who need to be told.
Soften the blow to them by shifting responsibilty.
Start with something like "I know how secretive little boys can be, but I'm hearing that your son gets teased a lot because of his odor. I have noticed it myself sometimes. I know sometimes when you are close to your child you don't notice these these things, I just thought I'd tell you that his body might be getting to that point where he needs to learn about deoderant and things like that."
Keep your message focused on 'I hear the poor boy is getting teased.' rather then 'I don't want your stinky child in my home.'
Rather then suggesting he has 'bad hygiene' suggest instead that he becoming a teenager, and well teenage boys ARE stinky. They have to learn a few new things in order to not be stinky!
Parents don't always expect teasing to be complete rational or realistic, but they do generally want to defend thier child agianst it. It's still the truth of the stituation, and probably a truth that his parents would be more willing to hear.
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If i were you i would take him in a room by himself and explain to him about his hygine problem.
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Has your son noticed this too? If so, it might be easier for this boy to hear it from his friend, and not you. Either way it's a difficult situation. Since his parents are like this too, it's possible that he simply doesn't notice. Also, he's twelve and might be sweating more than he's ever been used to before and not know how to handle it. Try talking to his parents first, and see what happens.
If he sleeps over, offer to wash his clothes when he changes into pajamas. Mention 'you boys should shower after a long day!' or something similar. Good luck.
-LM
[16/f]
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This is a bit difficult, but his parents seem to be the source. If he doesn't come from a "clean" family then chances are that he wont be either. Approaching the boy could upset his family if he talks to them about it, but approaching them could upset them too, but I think that if you approach his parents (since they are adults) they might sit down and talk with their son. If there is no change after a while then I would consider talking to the boy about hygiene.
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