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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
13/f
please just read and dont judge...
there is this guy, my neighbor, and well, he is REALLY hot. like, sexy hot. and my window faces his and i catch him looking at me sometimes. he's 17 (almost 18) and im 13. sometimes i purposely get dressed in front of my window, just so he can see a little skin. but, is that wrong? i actually have gotten to know him, and he is a really nice guy. so sometimes, he'll text me goodnight and tell me my pjs are really cute because he saw them through my window. so its not like im just falling for some guy i dont even know. but could i have a chance with him? when i walk home with his brother from school, sometimes i see him and he'll wink at me. am i crazy? because he is really cute and really nice and i think he likes me from the way he stares and texts me and winks at me. once he even bought me ice cream and coffee and was waiting for me on my porch when i got home. should i just forget about him becuse he is too old for me? or should i try to move it forward??
anny advice would be great! SORRYYY ITS SO LONG!
The Answer
Close your blinds before you get the poor guy arrested.
It’s not wrong to find this exciting or to be attracted to him, but what you are doing is VERY wrong.
Even though you want him to be looking, if his parents, or your parents, or your neighbors catch on to your little game of peeping-tom, he is deep shit of the 'police getting called' kind.
Even if you weren't a minor, he'd be in trouble. Since you ARE a minor, he'd be in BIG trouble.
There is a very good line from a movie that says 'Just because a girl looks like a woman, doesn't mean she is ready to do what a woman does.'
You are NOT ready to do what a woman does, ie, have sex with him. BUT when you take off your clothes for a guy, even a little bit, the message they get especially if they are an older guy is that you are ready to do those things. It’s not just ‘a little skin’ that is being enjoyed, it’s the anticipation of a whole lot more! He is not thinking what a cool and pretty girl you are, he is thinking about his next orgasm.
Does he like you? Maybe. Does he like that he thinks he might get to have sex with you? HELL YES. I don't like to rag on the guys, but seriously, if they think that there is a super slim chance they might get laid, they'll like you.
You aren’t ready for that. You shouldn’t be sending him the message that you are! Most importantly, that would be illegal for you two to have sex!
Close your blinds for six months, and he if he still talks to you in May, MAYBE he likes you as a person. But I’m afraid it’s far more likely, that he simply enjoys the fantasy that he might be able to get into your pants.
Can you imagine dating someone who was nine? No, probably not. What would you talk about? He probably can’t really imagine dating a thirteen year old either. The only difference between you and the nine-year-old, is that you are sexually attractive to him.
I’m a huge fan of taking on my clothing, and that is why I know that it is NO way to start a relationship. Close the blinds. And leave this alone for a while.
To figure out how old is too old, look up your state or country’s laws on Age of Consent.
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The Question
To make a long story short: I've been going back and forth with this guy who REALLY likes me because I can't seem to decide if I like him. I told him I didn't - but then the second he started getting over me I felt heartbroken, cried, was crazy jealous over any girl he talked to, and then kissed him to make him like me again.
It sounds manipulative, like I don't like him but don't want him to get over me.. but I think I do like him. Quite a lot actually.
Now he asked me to decide wether I want to be with him, because he needs to know..
Is there a good excuse that would allow us to be in a secret relationship, so we could sneak around (which is something I really enjoy haha) and keep it on the down low?
It can't involve parents because I'm in college far away from them. He thinks the reason I can't decide if I want to be with him is because he'd be my first boyfriend (which is true, I've never had one before).
Help?
The Answer
Either be in a relationship. Or don't be.
Don't be half-ass about this. That isn't fair to him. It’s okay to make the wrong decision, but at least commit to A decision. Even if it’s the wrong one. Don’t be flakey. That is mean. You’ll get a nasty reputation if you treat guys the way you have been, because ya, it sounds manipulative and self-obsessed. Even if you aren’t really that way, people will start to see you that way.
There is no good excuse for a 'secret relationship'. That's hardly a relationship at all! That's an affair. It’s what two people do when they have something to hide because they are doing something wrong.
Dating him wouldn’t be doing anything wrong, so there is no excuse to hide it.
You can't have a healthy relationship if it's based on dishonesty and deceit.
Sure, don't tell your parents right away. Fine. You are old enough to be college on your own then you are old enough not to tell them about every single person you hang out with. But if you want a relationship and an ACTUAL boyfriend, then that requires you be honest with yourself and with those around you.
If you can’t be that honest, then you probably aren’t that into him after all. 'Cause frankly, when you are REALLY into someone, you want to tell the world. When you are really nervous and ashamed of your crush... your are being self-involved and you aren't really that into them.
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The Question
(this WILL be long)
i'm 15 f. turning 16 in december.
katie just turned 14 [but shes in my grade]
Okay, last night my friend was having problems with her boyfriend.. he refused to drive her home or anywhere so i asked my boyfriend to go and get katie.
after helping her and listening to her bash on and on about her boyfriend, my mom comes upstairs and asks what we want for dinner. we dont want anything because im not hungry and katie had food at her house.
after katie and dave talked and worked everything out (via text message & phone calls) he said that he'll pick her up to talk it out more and in a more mature way talking face to face. okay..
katie offers for me to sleep over. i say okay, but my moms asleep. ill leave a note. well, right when were about to leave [and get into katies boyfriends car] my mom is coming upstairs. i whisper "shit, katie, hold my bag!" my mom says to katie & I, "what are you guys doing?" i said "i'm sleeping over katies house tonight i dont have any plans (this is like at 10 at night)". my mom was like whos driving? Well, you should always tell the truth because in the end itll just come out bad. "katies boyfriend". my mom went off the walls. she was like "I'm not allowing katie to get in the car with a boy. laura, you're staying home. katie, get your mom on the fucking [sorry for the language] phone!!!" i go "MOM, WHAT THE FUCK, WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" i text my boyfriend saying "i'm sorry we cant hang out at katies tonight".
katie maturely gets her mom on the phone on her cell phone. well, my mom goes. HANG UP THE PHONE. i go.. "what the fuck mom you either want to talk to her or you DONT!" katie is like "karen, this is the only way i have to get home, so i need to take this ride. i'm getting in that car, my mom knows about it, please, chill out" my mom starts to argue with her! "katie get your mom on the phone, write down her number right now! i'm not allowing you to get in the car with a guy when i dont have your parents permission." while im just sitting there watching my mom flip a shit at my friend.. i'm getting heated as shit.
my mom calls katies moms cell phone, because her mom was out to dinner with family. "it went to voicemail and it only said please leave a message, now i dont know who the fuck i called". yet again.. im getting more and more heated. and so is katie. katie says "here, ill give you my house number" my mom calls and no one answers because yet again, THEIR OUT TO DINNER!
well, katies boyfriend shows up and he calls "katie, im here come outside please its cold" she says to my mom "well, hes here, dave hold on a second". my mom goes "who the fuck is DAVE?" she goes "my boyfriend" my mom goes "how old is he?" she says "17" i go "MOM SINCE WHEN WAS IT YOUR FUCKING BUISNESS HOW FUCKING OLD HE IS, MOM GROW THE FUCK UP (my boyfriend calls and i ment to press scilent but i accidentally answered) SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SERIOUSLY GO FUCK YOURSELF. I FUCKING HATE YOU MOM YOU'RE EMBARISSING THE SHIT OUT OF ME. HONESTLY, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE RIGHT NOW, THATS THE HONEST TRUTH." well, my mom didnt even answer that. so katie goes "hes waiting outside, i have to go" and she just walks out. well, now becuase of her actions, im grounded. i cant go out for a week. my mom is offically physco and says "whenever you go to a friends house, or whenever they come over here, i HAVE TO TALK TO A PARENT!"
it's like my mom doesn't trust me anymore! what do i do, what do i say to her? i honestly did NOTHING! i dont even know what I! did wrong. last night i was about to kill myself, im not even kidding. it's like my mom cant accept that im growing up and that i WILL make mistakes, [oh btw my boyfriends turning 18 in november.] and she doesnt approve that my boyfriends 2 years older then i am. what ever happened to the saying "age doesnt matter?" do any of you know where im coming from? suhfiauh i need so much help, PLEASE
The Answer
Your MOM, thinks that she is A MOM, and therefore did not allow two young teenage girls get into a car with some guy she doesn't know from Joe Blow at 10 o'clock at night!
Your mom might have over-reacted in the way she spoke, but her judgment was good and justified AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT, NONE, TO SPEAK TO YOUR MOTHER THAT WAY WHEN ALL SHE WAS DOING WAS BEING RESPONSIBLE.
You were right that it didn't really matter how old the guy was, but your mom was more right: She was right not to let two teenage girls who were in her home, and therefore under her guardianship, get into a car with a guy she doesn't know late at night. She was right to want to check with the other mother, to be reassured that this guy was safe and that the other mom DID know him, before allowing you two to leave with him.
This might have gotten out of hand. Your mother certainly isn't perfect at all, she didn't communicate her position very well. She didn't handle this perfectly. But she was still right, and your behavior towards her was still disrespectful and incredibly wrong.
You deserve to be punished and grounded. Your mother deserves an apology for disrespecting her like that, yelling and swearing at her and then walking out on her! Damn girl, you are lucky you are only grounded! My mom would have changed the locks and called the cops on me.
Accept the fact that your mother had a right to tell you not to leave, and that you shouldn't have done so. Apologize for THAT, and the way you spoke to her.
Only then can you start to discuss, togeather, how you both could have handled this better. You can, and should, ask your mom to stay a bit calmer and let you explain. Neither of you should curse or have to yell. You should respect her need to connect with other parents. Or at very least, invite the guy in for a few mintutes so she can see he isn't some crazy nutbar!
There were a lot of ways this could have gone down better, and you need to be just as repsonsible for that as she is. So, take a deep breath, apologise for the errors in judgement you made and ask her how you two can do better in the future.
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The Question
I met a girl a while back, and we started out being good friends. We got along perfectly. We were such good friends. We didn't fight or argue or anything. Well, we started going further with the relationship, and we fell in love.. sorta. Well, I did at least. We were everything except officially bf/gf. We even slept together.
Then she said no. She told me that she didn't want to date me because I have bad communication skills. I told her I would still be friends, because we made good friends. But now, after all this.. we've been fighting more, and arguing. I still want to date her, in a small way. Not so much though now.
I regret sleeping with her, and I wish that the love thing never happened. Last night, we had a big blowout... and I almost called the relationship off totally. What should I do?
The Answer
End the relationship, and give one another some time to heal before trying to be friends.
You aren't bad people; you are just bad for each other. She needs a style of communication that doesn't make you comfortable and one you can't achieve. You two don't see arguments in the same light, or sex. Your values and ideas on interactions are just too different. You can’t make it work.
Stop waffling and being dragged back into this mess by your confusion. There is no relationship potential here. You two can't reach a happy compromise. You’ll just end up treating each other badly again and again until one of your finally gets fed up enough to truly end it.
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The Question
I'm 17 and I'm dating a guy who is 22. The age of consent in the state where I live is 18. Will he get in trouble if he kisses me (and someone finds out and tells)?
Also, I've been wondering this lately, why would a 22 year old man be interested in a 17 year old girl? Is this anything to be concerned about? I'm not getting any creepy vibes from him...
Oh and I don't know if this matters but we're both in college so we're in similar stages of our lives.
The Answer
Kissing isn't forbidden by the AOC laws, however, if your parents are not keen on the relationship and find you too are involved, they do have some rights to separate you two.
So as long as your parents are not going to stand in your way, you are fine to kiss.
Although you might both be in college, I promise you that you are not at the same stage in your lives. I’m 23 myself, and I’m practically a completely different person then I was at 17. My values and ethics have all evolved and my goals and desires from a relationship are very different.
Although he might not be ‘creepy’, it’s good to keep your eyes and ears open. He is at a different stage in life then you are, regardless of college. And although it’s not always the case, it often is that there is a reason a twenty-something dates a teenager is because they couldn’t handle being with someone their own age. You have very different levels of experience when it comes to opposite sex. Be very careful and aware that he is not taking advantage of your lack of experience and leaving you feeling low or controlled.
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The Question
I;m a female and 16 years old. I recently met this guy through an instant messenger. Yes i know it seems very dangerous but i can assure you he is who he says he is. I made sure of it. Well i have been talking to him for mayber 5 months now and we have already confessed feelings for each other and he has planned to come see me when i turn eighteen. All is great and dandy but here is the thing...i like him i do i can't deny that but sometimes i just don't feel like this thing could work out. Is it because he is so far away that i feel like that or could it be something else
The Answer
It's because you don't really know him.
You can't really know a person you only speak to online.
You probably disagree with me on that, but think of it this way:
Doctors say that 55% to 70% of 'communication' is read through body language, and 38% to 45% in tone of voice and inflection. That leaves a measly 7% to 10% of communication being the words we choose.
How can we ever really know a person if we only receive 7% to 10% of the messages they are sending!
I’m not saying your feelings for him aren’t real, only that they don’t have the kind of solid foundation that could make you feel confident about them.
It really, really worries me that he is coming to visit you when you turn eighteen. Why not before? Is the age difference so large that it would be illegal? Because that is also a good reason to be feeling uncertain of this situation.
However, perhaps the most important thing here is this: Know thyself. You are 16 years old. A whole hell of a lot is going to change in the next two years for you. When you are eighteen and look back at your sixteen year old self, you will hardly recognize yourself. The idea that a long-term relationship, based only on online communication, and maybe the odd phone-call will last through those two years of major changes in your life, isn’t very realistic. In fact, I wouldn’t even wish it for you and I don’t think you’d wish it for yourself.
What I would wish for you is real experience, with a person who is physically present for you and can give you 100%. That is where the real learning happens, and where the real relationship might happen. You’d be better off dating a few losers over the next few years, and learning to spot them. Then you would be ‘dating’ some guy you’ve never met.
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The Question
Hey there, im 16f. I really am starting to think that everyone in my family is starting to take me for granted and just, not appreciate me. I am the middle child, that may be part of it, but. I live with my mom, my older bro 17, and my younger sis 10. A few examples are, when i do dishes, no body notices because my bro dirties them all up about ten minutes later, when i spend time with my family they treat me as if im an outsider.
- I had this really good friend that dumped me for my bro and is currently sleeping with him. My mom treats her as a replacement for me. Thats how i feel since my mom always invites her over even though i despise this girl now (she comes over enough as it is to see my brother), has 'private' convos about her life with this gal (stuff i don't know is happnin in her life), spends quality time with her, and doesn't care that im hurt seeing this 'so-called friend' suck faces with my bro. Besides he has three other girls hes going with right now! Today, my sister started crying, i did't even know, and my mom was like "hey, did you hit her or something!!" and I was thinking 'jeeze, i did't even know' and it is NOT like me at all to hit someone or be mean or anything like that. But my mom seems to think everythings pretty much my fault, except when my bros around. Hes a troublemaker. I work pretty much eveyday of the week. Part-time after school and on weekends. I would much rather be at work then at home, at least i can see everybody in my town, have a real conversation, and know these people appreciate me. I am very independant, and when i come home its like 'I don't belong here.' Because there is my 'so called friend' on the couch living here. Shes here every night. I don't like looking at her for too long. Whenever I help my sister with her homework for example, my sister will ask how do you spell 'pineapple' and i will tell her, but she isn't listening, so she gets mad and i tell her again, and she is still not listening. My mom then says to me "why won't you tell her the word?! it isn't too hard!" and i get in shit for trying to help her with her homework. Then, two minutes later, my 'so-called friend' walks in, and since she is so goody goody with my sis, she helps her and they are total best friends. That is how easy i am replaced. I don't like being in my home being degraded most the time. It doesn't make me feel appreciated at all. I keep a positive attitude, and now mostly try to keep to myself at home because of this. I basically spend most my time in my room. What do I do?! I am slowly getting pushed down into a pit.
The Answer
You've got some problems hun, but break them down first.
One of the most important things to learn in this world is how to separate your problems and identify the most serious ones.
I don't think your ex-friend is the real problem here.
Sure, her constant being around is a problem, but your real problem is that your communication with your mother has completely broken down.
You can't start dealing with the other problems (You feeling replaced. You being overworked and stressed. You being misunderstood at home.) until you establish better communication with your mom.
You are a teen, no matter how mature you might be, so your relationship with your parent is going to mean a lot about how pleasant your home life is. The parent set the tone for how each sibling is treated and how the family opperates.
So, sit your mom down and have some alone time with her. Schedule it with her if that is what it takes to get it done. This is the time to tell her how you feel. Don’t accuse or whine. tell Just say how you feel. Like this: “Mom, I’ve been really upset lately and feeling unwanted at home. I’m doing a lot of work and trying to be really responsible but no one seems to notice or appreciate me. I’m totally stressed out and miserable. What’s going on? What am I doing wrong?”
Don’t bitch or moan or accuse her, those are all things we do to avoid being really honest. The most honest thing you’ve got in your pain. Share that with her! Let her know some of things she might not realize, but say them in polite ways: her you try to help you sister and it hurts that she doesn’t see it and tell her you are uncomfortable at home because that girl seems to always be around.
“Seems” and “I think” are good phrases. That lets your mom know that it’s the way you perceive things. So even if she thinks that isn’t really the way it is, you are letting her know that is the way it feels too you.
Start there. That's the problem that is making all the other problems even harder to handle. Then work on the others.
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The Question
Ok i am a vegetarian, i dont eat meat but recently everyone has been woried about me because i've been losing alot of weigns like 130 to 127 now and my eating habbits are very poor and i am a very picky eater. Could i have a eating disorder? Lately i gust havent had the drive to eat i still am because i feel hunger but i dont feel like i want to eat.. I am really concerend for myself now, should i go see a doctor for vitamins?
The Answer
It doesn't sound like you have an eating disorder but you should see a doctor.
Frankly, all vegetarians should see a doctor or nutritionist at some point to get some pointer... well actually everyone should, veg or not...
But regardless, you are young women whose eating habits are poor and you have a dietary restriction. You SHOULD talk to a professional about your choices and have a basic check-up.
There might not be anything to panic about, but you've learned that your diet is something you need to be more aware of and informed about.
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The Question
My roommate in college, Julie, never ever aknowledges me. I don't know what if she has a problem with me or what. When she comes home she goes straight to another girl to talk about her upcoming trip, her problem, or ask to run an errand with her. Of course, if noone else is around to do with she'll ask me which is almost never since there are 4 of us girls. I want to confront her because it absolutely bothers and annoys the hell out of me. I also feel she does not care too much about me.
(example when one of our roommates when for a check up Julie could not stop talking about how she hopes it goes okay, when it was nothing major it was just a check up on the knee, but when I had 2 appts for something very serious (that could have surgeries) she seemed to have cared less.)
Anyways, what do i do? write a letter? if so, what do i say without sounding like a jerk?!
Thanks,
5 stars
The Answer
Um, I'm afraid unless there is more to this story, you really shouldn't be 'confronting' her or writing any letter. That would be kind of jerky. More accurately: It would be picking a fight.
She doesn't much like you. Fine. You aren't required to like everyone you live with in college. I've had almost 20 different roommates in my life, and I didn't like them all of them. In fact, one or two, I kind of loathed. In my childhood home, there were 14 kids who passed through, or stayed for years, at one point or another. I didn’t like all them either! And I’m related to some of them.
It's OKAY not to like everyone you live with. She's allowed not to like you and you are allowed not to like her. She's allowed not to give a damn about you, it hurts a bit, but she is. You don't HAVE TO enjoy one another or get along.
You only have to be civil and respectful.
Now, you can try to be better friends with her. Invite her out, make small talk, put in the extra effort to be her pal… but she might just not be feeling it. She might just be self-involved or she might just not like you.
If, after gently letting her know that you'd like to be on better terms with her (and this is NOT CONFRONTING HER, this is YOU TRYING TO BE A BETTER FRIEND TO HER), if she still doesn't respond, shrug your shoulders and stop letting it get to you. Not everyone in this world is gonna love ya. Just be friendly and polite, only 'confront' her if she deliberately disrespectful to you.
The fact that she doesn’t run to talk to you, or care too much about your problems… that isn’t disrespectful, that just isn’t a friend, and she doesn’t have to be your friend.
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The Question
16/f
well my ex dumped me and he said that the reason for it is because of his concussion. he said that his concussion messed his head up so much that he only sees me as a friend now. he said even his favorite foods changed.
i'm just wondering if a concussion can really do that, make a person stop caring about another person in a certain way.
thank you.
The Answer
It is possible, but rather unlikely.
The truth about break ups is this: The reasons are NEVER really good enough.
The reasons another person offers when they say they no longer like your exclusive company are never really satasfying.
They often feel like excuses. They often feel not good enough. Sometimes they ARE excuses and not technically good enough.
Our relationships don't end because of REASONS, sometimes they just end because we don't feel it anymore. No explain of 'why' the feelings are gone will ever really make sense to another person. Feelings are just like that.
Try to accept that, because chances are it will happen agian in your life.
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The Question
I'm an educator and as I was proctoring for an exam in another college department,& I caught two students cheating.
One of them was mouthing the words
" What is the answer to number two?" when I caught them. She even gestured number 2 with her fingers. Her seatmate had her back on me, it was obvious that they were talking to each other.
I reported them to the Discipline Officer and the D.O. in turn, called for the 2 students. The students insisted that they were just making small talk during the exam & they obviously reversed my statements.
Since I do not have any substantial evidence, I am the one now being in question as to why I confiscated their test papers for cheating. My question is, DOES CRYING WHEN CONFRONTED WITH THEIR SINS, A TELL TALE SIGN OF GUILT?
The Answer
Crying is not a tell-tale sign of anything at all. Sometimes commercials make me cry. Sometimes I wake up with tears in my eyes. It's just a physical reaction to a whole bunch of different feelings.
Now, for actual advice for you, even though you didn't ask for it:
Take a deep breath and don't get defensive. You did the right thing, even if they were just 'talking'. The very worse that your colleagues might feel you did, is error is judgment. So, stop being so defensive about this. Don’t get upset. That will make you look uncertain. You aren’t uncertain. You are very certain about what you saw, so don’t act like you aren't.
If 'hard evidence' was required for cheating, almost no one would ever get caught. You know they were talking, they don't even deny that. You know, and the DO likely does too, that they were more then likely cheating as well.
So take a deep breath and just tell the truth. They were speaking during the exam and making hand gestures. You felt this was academic dishonesty and you took away their papers. You believed them to be trying to cheat. You believed you were abiding by the code as laid out by the college when you took away their papers.
If your supervisors don't feel this was warranted, ask them what they think warrants having ones paper taken away and what they would do differently in your position. Don’t get your back up, just ask your superiors, who likely have more experience with teaching then you, what they would have done in your position.
Who is going to take the word of 2 college students over their teacher when it comes to academic dishonesty really? I’m sure most of your colleagues are on your side in this one. In fact, it might be a very good idea to have a sit down with an instructor you respect and ask for their insight in to this situation. The DO is likely simply required to document both sides of the incident. They might not be questioning your judgment at all! Just recoding it.
You are NOT going to loose your credibility. Sesh. If the DO decides they really disagree with your assessment of the situation, do NOT treat it as a hit on your credibility. Hold your head high and consider it a learning experience. Nothing more. Everyone makes errors in enforcing the rules, even the police and lawyers.
You were entitled to make decision in that exam room, and you are entitled to make an error. Remember those two things, and no matter what the outcome, you’ll be just fine.
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The Question
whenever im with my boyfriend and my friend, our friend comes up n says or does stuff to me to piss off my boyfriend. like today i sat by my bf n our friend came up n said to me heyy sexy whats up n winked at me. i didnt know what to say i just looked at my bf as he stared my our friend down.. its so awkward, what can i say or do. its constant
The Answer
Tell them both to cool it and stop putting you in the middle of thier childish rivialry.
I'm dead serious, say exactly that.
Tell your friend he is being a dink to behave that way directly in front of your boyfriend.
Tell your boyfriend he is overreacting to your friend just being a dink and only encouraging the behavoir when he makes it so obivious that it pisses him off.
Tell them both if they have a problem with eachother they can deal with it between themselves and to stop trying to put you in the middle of thier little pissing contest.
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The Question
I'm a man in my mid-20's, and I've started to notice that my girlfriend of five years is very, very controlling. Like talking to a bunch of people (myself included) like she's our mother.
Now, I'm perfectly fine with a woman who can express what she wants, but how do you get her to realize that she can't control everyone, me especially, without it causing a meltdown? I mean, if this relationship goes to marriage, I need her to know that when I have a strong decision about our future, she can't just ignore me and do whatever.
The Answer
The most important thing when giving your lover constructive criticism is to BE SPECIFIC.
In this question, you speak of her in very broad terms. Don't make general comments like 'You are too controlling' or 'Don't be so demanding' when you are speaking to her. Those aren't helpful hints, they are simply insults. Those comments don't let her know what needs to change; all they tell her is that you are unhappy with her.
To get someone to change, make it easy for them too change. Let her know specifically what bothers you, like this "When you spoke over me at dinner it made me think you don't care what my opinion is. I know you have a lot to say, but could you please let me finish my thought." OR "I know you disagree with what Jen is doing, but the way you express yourself is very abrasive. I wish you'd be more generous with our friends." Or “I felt like you weren’t listening to what other people wanted to do last night. I know you had a preference, but I think you need to listen to other people’s opinions more often.”
Always phrase your criticism like that. First, say exactly what situation upset you, and follow that up immediately with what you would prefer happen.
Remember, in the begining you were probably attracted to this woman's strength and ability to stand up for herself. Make sure she understand that this isn't about her being a bad person, this is about her becoming a better person by maturing and learning.
If you are considering marriage, get some pre-martial counseling. That is a good idea for every couple, not just one with control issues.
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The Question
im being blackmailed by mty sister because i got arrested yestrday for ditching but my mom and i are keeping it a secret to my dad but my sister just keeps making me her maid if i dont do anything she tells me she yells out "DAD!! you know what **** did yesterday!!!" and then gives out keywords about what happened she ses it out loud and i cant stop crying because im falling for it. i have no other choice i dont want her to tell my dad so i ALLLWAYSSS have to do what she has to say!!! icant stop crying because she keeps controlling me and im so tired of it.. its never gonna end!! any adice? i need to stop this. what can i do! i hate it when she treats me like this!
The Answer
Hun, you got arrested!
What your sister is doing is completely wrong, but for goodness sake, you are lying to your parents about getting arrested.
Two things are likely to happen here:
One: Your sister will continue to abuse you until it bores her and she will tell your parents, or they will find out some other way. They will be furious that you lied to them, and they will punish you even harder for your deceit.
Two: You tell them the truth about what happened. Apolgoize a lot, promise to change and beg their forgiveness. Your sister looses her control over you (maybe she even gets in some trouble herself for lying to them) and you get punished, but not quite as badly as you would if they find out on their own.
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The Question
me: 16/f
Okay, so i'll give ya'll a little update to what's going on in love life.
here we go: so, in march i broke up with my boyfriend because i didnt feel the same anymore, i found him clingy, and i thought he was awkward.(dated nearly 6 months) afterwards i felt relieved that we ended it. it was rough at first and i was really depressed but i'm a pretty positive person, so within a few days or so i was back on my feet smiling and laughing :). we attempted the whole friendship thing...but i could feel it turning back into a romance, and i didnt want that to happen. soo, i ignored him. MISTAKE! he got really mad and confused and didnt tell me that he felt that way...so 4 months later!... his best friend adds me on msn and tells me to talk to him. soo, i did (on msn). and i was non stop blamed for everything. i let him blow off steam and we talked and i told him i didnt want to be friends. and that was that. we didnt talk at all for the rest of the summer. so now, school has started. and lucky me..he's in my morning classes. at first it was crap. we would non stop just quickly look at each other (especially in english). so about 2 weeks ago maybe...or more. i decided to break the ice and talk to him. we actually had a pretty good short conversation. and as the days went on we talked and joked around a lot more...just like we did in grade nine...which is where we both wanted to end back up. however, in grade nine...we both fell for each other...and i think that's happening again...for me anyway. one day we flirted...BIG TIME. and neither of us stopped it or tried to tone it down. over the summer, we both finally ended up with jobs and at his work he met another girl...who is now his girlfriend. im fine with it... just a little jealous. buut i think i could be doing a bad thing because he is taken and im flirting with my ex. so, i've stopped for the most part and defnitely have kept my distance.
now, we have our homecoming dance this following week. im super pumped and excited because it's one of the best days of the year! school is full of spirit and it's amazing. so, my ex is going...and he's plannin on bring his girlfriend (who goes to another school). so, im gunna meet her at the dance. im sorta nervous because it'll be so awkward. which is what i want to avoid. from the sounds of it...he's happy, so im glad about that...because when i broke up with him...he was a total mess. so seeing him happy is awesome..but at the same time...im becoming jealous. i thought i was over this guy..i had good reasons for ending the relationship...i just wasnt comfortable with him. or was that just a phase? does that happen normally? becuase im starting to regret breaking up with him. i know there is no way on earth we'll end up back together but im starting to think about him constantly and i dont want to! do i still like him...or am i just uneasy about him getting a new girlfriend and im still single? i don't know. anyways, his new girfriend is coming and i want to be nice and stuff. so what should i say? or ask...like, how you liking grade 11 and that kinda stuff? or what?
oh and his other friends absolutely hate his new gf...apparently...because behind his back they talk really badly about her and how ugly and annoying she is. that makes me feel better, which is TERRIBLE! but it's an emotion i can't control. i want the best for my ex..as much as he does for me. what should i do about this dance thing coming up? and how can i get rid of these feelings that are coming back? i want to be friends with him because he is such a good guy...but if that's gunna make me jeaous of every girl he goes out with...then i dont think it'd be fair to him or me.anyways, i could use some advice! thanks in advance! xo
P.S. im not wanting to talk to my ex about it because it would mess things up for him and he'd get all confussed. it would be a castastrophy. so please, try not to suggest that...but if u must...give some good reason why.
thankss! :)
The Answer
Give yourself a break.
It is going to be awkward.
You are going to feel a bit jealous.
It might make you a bit happy to hear others talk bad about her.
You are going to feel disappointed about your breakup, even though you know it was the right thing to do.
None of that makes you a horrible person, and none of it means you aren't over him. It's just human. Most of us would feel that way in that situation.
Emotions aren't black and white. You can be happy for a person AND feel jealous. You can be over a guy AND want him back at the same time. The important thing isn't what we feel; it's what we do with those feelings.
If keeping your distance is what you need to do to make sure you behave yourself, and don't do or say something you know you don't really mean, I can only applaud you for recognizing that. A lot of girls let their feelings rule them in a situation like this one, and they flirt with the ex they don't really want, or treat the new girlfriend like crap. It’s a really great thing that you are more mature then that.
And sure, you’re going to regret the break up, and being single right now. Think of the way you feel when your best friend gets a new love interest… you feel the same sort of jealousy and regret. We all want to be special, and in a selfish way, we all want to be the MOST special person to another person.
So really, cut yourself some slack and go ahead and feel what you feel. Just don’t let those feeling motivate you to do anything cruel or silly. If you need to not be his friend in order to keep yourself in check, then do so.
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The Question
I think I might have some kind of mental disorder but I'm not sure exactly what it is. I'm a 16 y/o male. Here are my symptoms: I can't ever keep a conversation going. People talk to me and it takes me a while to come with a response so I end up saying things that don't really make sense or I just don't say anything at all. It's kind of awkward. And then when people say what's up to me in the hallway I forget their names so I'm just like "what's up...man". When I ask questions people don't understand what I'm asking. When I give presentations teachers always think I dont know what im talking about because I can't explain things. I can't ever share things I hear on TV or things that people have said throughout the day. It just sucks because people think I'm awkward and they never want to be alone with me. even my close friends and family. It's fine if I'm in a group because I have time to think of things and when I can think of what I'm going to say it usually makes sense. It's really stressful and I feel like I'm losing all of my friends.
The Answer
No one here is a doctor and can't diagnose you.
I DO have an anxiety disorder, and what you are describing doesn’t sound anything at all like what I experience. Not even a tiny bit.
I think triquetra, gave you the best advice, because all that you are describing sounds like to me, is someone with poor language skills. That's not a mental disorder. Some people are naturally good dancers and some people aren’t. Some people are naturally good with spoken language and some people aren’t. It just means you need practice, and maybe tutoring and other extras outside of class to get your grasp of spoken language on par with your peers.
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The Question
ok so heres the situation. when i was just a baby my mom and dad got a divorce and my dad quit comin around. so my grandparents pretty much raised me while my mom was workin her butt off all the time. i love my mom but my relationship with my grandparents is much much stronger. well i moved 14 hours away from them about ten years ago and now my grandpa is being put into a nursing home and its tearing my grandma apart. she also is in not so good shape, but she can sstill take care of herself. she's the main reason i wake up every morning. i love my grandma more then anyone in the world. so far she has no great grandchildren and i wanna be the first to give them to em. i want them to be able to atleast see one great grandchild before they (especially my gpa) passes. the problem is i'm only 18 and still in school. i'm with the guy of my dreams and we're planning on getting married. we've been together for 3 years and we really wanna start a family. we both wanna have a baby soon but i dont know if next month is too soon. see next june my boyfriend and i are both moving down there to live with my dad and go to college. so i'll be around my grandparents all the time. i'm just really scared that they might be a little disappointed because im still in school and not married. i dont know what to do!!!!! :(
The Answer
I promise you, your grandparents would rather you BE eighteen, go to college and have a successful life, then have a grandchild.
Grandparents aren't selfish. It certainly sounds like yours are even less selfish then normal. So don't try use them to justify what you know would be a bad choice. Keep your urges in check, and organize your life in the way that will be best for you, and your future child.
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The Question
To start, my brother and I are extremely close, considering I'm his LITTLE sister (by 2 years) and he's sixteen. Our close relationship is the reason I am asking this, not because I'm being a nosy little sister.
Ok, My brother, sixteen, has a girlfriend who is seventeen. They claim to be "in love" and I have no doubt they love each other, but I don't know how long it will last once my brother knocks over the first dominoe by telling my parents.
My brother, recovering pot addict, bipolar, extremely OCD, and a little schitzophrenic has gone through quite a lot over the last 4 years or so. He's had his ups and downs, usually dragging the rest of our family (2 younger sisters age seven and eight, My dad, My mom, and me) down with him. He'll have these random angry moments where he slams doors, punches walls, gets out of a moving vehicle at a stop light, and pretty much breaks my moms heart. He always ends up just running out the door.
Recently, he's received his license. Scary, right? I'm afraid he'll just lose it one of these days and drive off and leave me here to help the rest of the family get through it. Well, a week before he got his license, my dad's girlfriend had to move back to Florida, because she was unable to sell her house and couldn't find anyone to move into it for her. Keep in mind, this woman is literally my dad's dream girl. They are absolutely in love, but hesitant to marry because they've both been cheated on by their "significant other".
Anyways, so she had to move back, and my brother started manipulating and bugging my parents to help him buy a car. I think this is very self-centered, but all he wants is a car. So that caused tension between my dad and my brother (they live together).
Now, on top of ALL of this that has happened, my brother goes and gets his girlfriend pregnant. Ok, I'm sure he didn't mean for her to get pregnant, but it happened, and neither of them want an abortion. Also, his girlfriend has been being sexually harrassed and repeatedly raped by her own father for the last 5 years.
My own father is completely against the idea of my brother and his girlfriend ever having sex, so as you can tell, if my brother tells him, my dad's going to rip his head off.
My brother is planning to tell my mom first because he absolutely hates her, but she is always trying to "connect" with him, so she is very leniant with him. He thinks that she'll help him out, but we really don't have the space or finances for a child! He's just not understanding the consequences of his mistakes!!!
I really don't know what to do! I know he's going to wait until he's off probation (about a month) to tell, so we only have a few more weeks of happiness left before the screaming and anger starts all over again. I don't think I can handle another one of these outbreaks, I really don't, but there's nowhere to go to hide from it all. While all of these outbreaks occur, I usually just hideout in my room for a few weeks, but I know that this one could last months! I don't think i'm ready for this mentally.
Please help, I don't know what to do! The fighting will go on between my mom and dad about what they should do about my brother, and between my brother and them. I can't handle it! Please help me! There's no escape from the constant despair lingering in our household! Any advice is accepted!
The Answer
I'm going to make a suggestion here, and you aren't going to like it one bit, but I'm going to suggest it anyways: Tell your father and mother that you think your brother's girlfriend is pregnant.
Is this betraying your brother? In a way, yes it is. But this isn't 'tattling' like a nosy little sister; this is sharing incredibly scary information like a responsible family member. I my little sister was pregnant, or if she was dying or moving to Taiwan, I’d want to know. So would my parents, and since she is still a minor living at home, they would have RIGHT to know.
I recently had to refuse my little brother bail, and make him sit tight until our parents got home. He was angry with me, still is, most of our siblings are too. But the truth is, his issues with the law weren’t my burden to carry, they were his issue and an issue that needed to be addressed by our parents, not by me.
This shouldn’t be your secret to carry, and he isn’t entitled to treating his parents so shabbily as to mislead them and lie to them about such a serious issue either, so tell them what you think is going on. You can be a bit iffy about it if that makes it easier and say “I think this is what’s happening, you should ask him about it…”
Now, as for yourself.
Find something to do that relieves your stress.
Take a walk or a bike ride. Knit or sew or draw. Take a bubble bath or read a book. Find something that helps you escape and then make sure you DO IT for at least 20 minutes each day. Book that time in. Let it be the first thing you do when you get home from school or the last thing you do before you go to bed. Make sure you get it.
If your family gets in your way or your twenty minutes of ‘me’ time explain to them calmly that you are very stressed out by everything and that you need that time to yourself to unwind.
Of course, this isn’t the perfect solution, not by far. It won’t make everything better, but it will make you feel a bit better and give you some down time to look forward too. It will help you face the nonsense and anger around, while still staying grounded and sane within yourself.
Also, try to talk to someone. Not just a friend, but an adult. A school counselor, youth worker, or even an aunt or uncle, a neighbor or an old babysitter. Anyone who is an adult and who you can trust to speak too, not because you need them to fix your problems, but because you need them to help you figure out what the problem is and to give you a more mature take on it.
Whatever happens, and whatever you choose, take care of yourself.
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The Question
hello everyone, my fiance' and I got engaged this past summer because we do love each other. He proposed on the beach, but ALL we do is fight. We've been fighting since last january on and off but now we don't even get along. I bought us our own house and we now live together. We always just get into fights and we always cry. I just want our relationship to be happy again. He says I always "bitch" constantly (but he never cleans up after himself and never gives me hardly any affection) He told me recently that the dog treats him better then I do and he hates living with me. I can admit I can be somewhat controlling but it just hurts me that I never get any affection. We're both stubborn and try talking to each other about how we feel but nothing ever changes. Please give me advice about how to make my engagement better before we get married (this april!) I just can't marry someone who verbally abuses me a lot, but I love him, so please don't tell me to leave him! Thanks so much!
The Answer
Get your butt to counseling ASAP.
Even if he wont join you in couples counseling, go yourself.
You two are stuck in sick and destructive patterns. You wont get out of those by yourself. You are both behaving badly. No one is 'more right' then the other: You both need outside perspective and guidance. You need a professional to help mediate and teach you two to disagree in a way that wont destroy your relationship.
You can't do this by yourself, or by yourselves either. Get help NOW.
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The Question
Okay.
One of my best friends(lets call her Amanda) has been going out with a guy(lets call him Adam) for awhile now. She's madly inlove with him. She's always got a smile on her face and is always in a good mood, in other words- Amanda is extremely happy with Adam.She was always talking about him before, I could tell something like this would happen. Even though i am the third wheel i am happy for her. I give them space to have time together and then come back some other time, and everything is fine and dandy.
The only problem is Adam.
It's not that i don't like the guy...i mean he does have a bit of history with girls but Amanda is his first girlfriend in a long time. She can deal with it.
But one of my other friends (Sarah) told me that Adam asked Sarah to tell this other girl that he liked her. Sarah told me this and now i feel like I have to do something about it. But What?? I'm NOT going to tell Amanda. it will tear her to shreds.but then again wouldn't you want to know if your boyfriend wasn't really that interested in you? I was thinking about just talking to Adam alone and tell him to staighten up. What would you do??
The Answer
I wouldn't do anything, except keep my eyes open.
You don't need to do anything about it.
The truth is your friend Sarah should never have told you, or anyone about it. SHE should have turned to Adam and said 'You have girlfriend dumbass!'.
If Adam asks you for such a favor, you should turn to him and say the same thing.
However, since all you've done is pick up gossip, you need to butt out for the time being. I know it *feels* like you should get involved, but that feeling is wrong. Maybe someday this will be appropraite for you to bring up, either to point out to Adam so he behaves better or to point out to Amanda so she hurts less, but for now, keep it to yourself. It's just malicious gossip.
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