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From lovers to friends
I met a girl a while back, and we started out being good friends. We got along perfectly. We were such good friends. We didn't fight or argue or anything. Well, we started going further with the relationship, and we fell in love.. sorta. Well, I did at least. We were everything except officially bf/gf. We even slept together.
Then she said no. She told me that she didn't want to date me because I have bad communication skills. I told her I would still be friends, because we made good friends. But now, after all this.. we've been fighting more, and arguing. I still want to date her, in a small way. Not so much though now.
I regret sleeping with her, and I wish that the love thing never happened. Last night, we had a big blowout... and I almost called the relationship off totally. What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
End the relationship, and give one another some time to heal before trying to be friends.
You aren't bad people; you are just bad for each other. She needs a style of communication that doesn't make you comfortable and one you can't achieve. You two don't see arguments in the same light, or sex. Your values and ideas on interactions are just too different. You can’t make it work.
Stop waffling and being dragged back into this mess by your confusion. There is no relationship potential here. You two can't reach a happy compromise. You’ll just end up treating each other badly again and again until one of your finally gets fed up enough to truly end it.
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This girl is using you and doesn't care about your feelings on the matter. This will always be a friends-with-benefits relationship. Even if it developed into anything more, the basis of it would be sexual so the relationship would quickly burn out, leading to more heart-break.
If the genders were flipped, and you were a female while she was the male--what would you think? That the guy was using the girl for what he could, while he could. That he was telling her things like, "I DO like you...I just don't want a commitment like you want because of XYZ," so he could KEEP using her.
The fights are just "spats" to her because:
1. She doesn't take them seriously. You do NOT mean anything to her and she knows she can just flip-flop around with you whenever she wants. Why would anything you actually say matter to her? It really doesn't.
2. She wants to make them seem less so you stick around. If you realize how strong the arguments are then you will feel that he "relationship" is on the rocks and may re-evaluate what you've been doing. She REALLY does not want this so she will say whatever it takes to make you feel like everything is going smoothly.
This is what she is doing to you.
She will tell you what she feels you need to hear to keep you trailing behind her. She is using you as a stepping stone--giving her sex makes her feel important. In a sense, she is gaining self-confidence by using you.
The girl really does not like you as much as you like her. This is strictly sexual for her. Even if you were the best communicator alive she wouldn't want a long-term RELATIONSHIP with you. You just aren't her type for whatever reason--and that reason could be something as silly as the sound of your voice. Seriously, she is pretty full of herself to be doing this to you.
To save your sanity, you need to break this off with her and learn a lesson. Having sex doesn't mean someone likes you. If you want something long-term then hold out for the relationship to begin, at least, before you jump into the bed with them. You're only hurting yourself by throwing your body out there for her (or any woman) to use as they please.
Please stop referring to this as a relationship. This is not a relationship. This is a friends-with-benefits--which is really someone-using-someone. She doesn't have emotional attachment to you. She only sees you as sex--a confidence booster for herself.
Tell her it's over. Tell her that you're sick and tired of being led on and used. Tell her that you are human too--that you have feelings just like she does. Tell her that she was completely wrong for lying to you and telling you things to keep you close. Tell her you no longer want this and you are moving on because YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Then stop talking to her.
Stop answering the phone.
Stop chatting with her online.
Stop meeting up with her, even for lunch.
Stop ALL contact with her.
You deserve to be treated fairly and not used-and-left. As one user said, "...in the end, I know I will be played like I'm a piece of meat, used up and discarded of when nothing more can be pulled from the bone." That is what is happening here. She will continue to do this same thing over-and-over until you have nothing left to give. Until she finds someone else. Someone "better" in her eyes.
For a final note:
You are simply her back-up plan. It is fairly common now for men and women to find someone they can use and consider them a back-up. The back-up plan concept means that when there is absolutely nobody that is GOOD ENOUGH for them to be with, then they will have a "companion" out of the person they feel they can drop anytime they want. When she finds someone "better" she WILL leave you and whatever you feel you two have.
Do not bother "confronting" her with questions. She will lie and say whatever it takes to keep you around. Really. I promise.
I had a friend who was in a relationship with a guy for a few short months. She was ONLY with him because she was unable to get someone "worthy" at the time so she used him for what she could. She told me flat-out that she REALLY did not like the guy and was going to dump him, as she was interested in another guy she felt she could snag. The very next day (the day she was going to call and break up with him) he actually called her and dumped her. She proceeded to cry and be oh-so-hurt, but, in reality, she just wanted to make sure she could keep him as a back-up in case the other guy wouldn't take her. It was a mess and the poor guy was left with a lot of emotional scars--but the girl didn't care an ounce about him.
Spare your sanity.
Spare your feelings.
This will only make you a cold person. You are wasting precious time on this loser while you could be with someone who really cares about you. This girl isn't worth the time or effort--please move on.
If you have any more questions, please feel free to ask me! :)
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Okay, well it seems like she just used you, but maybe she really didn't mean it. Maybe she actually did like you, but more as a friend, and just assumed you were okay with being friends with benifits. As I always thought, love was a strange and difficult thing to sort out. I'm sure you were hurt by the whole thing.. and I'm really sorry. But hey, it's the past! You can't change it, so might as well move on from it and forget it. Stay friends, because you've been through so much, but just don't let take advantage of your feelings like that. You seem like a really sweet guy, and I'd bet all my money on you finding a beautiful girl. So keep your head up, and stay optimistic.
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