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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
i heard coffee makes your boobs smaller/stop growing.
is this true?
The Answer
Caffine causes calcium to be absorbed out of your bones, so it has been linked to weakening bones, and in growing kids and teens it is *possible* that caffeine might stunt bone growth. However, there is no really solid proof of this.
Caffine has never been connected to soft tissue development, so no, it’s not going to affect breast development.
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The Question
Alright guys, there is this girl I truly adore. The same one as usual, of course. She's currently dating a guy, but I think I'm pretty sure she still has feelings for me in that way, infact we're kinda talking last night about didn't foreplay, other sexual type of things, ect. We usually have those "interesting" type of conversations when we talk late at night, and we just blame it on us being out of it, delerious, ect. Although, she did say she enjoyed the conversation.
Anyway, during the day that we talk, she doesn't act the same at night, she's a bit more quiet, and doesn't mention those type of things. However, she's told me several times that I'd get a 2nd chance providing they break up.
Well, I'd kinda like to make a move now, and try to get her attention. You guys may not be able to answer this, since you don't know her personality, ect. but I was hoping you guys could provide some tips on how I could perhaps make a move on her.
We tend to just talk on AIM, we rarely get to visit each other, and will talk on the phone from time to time.
Thanks!
The Answer
Don't.
She has a boyfriend and what she is doing is wrong, and disrespectful to you.
She's liable to shoot you down and be offended that you'd make a serious move while she still has a boyfriend. Because girls who lead on other guys the way she is leading you on while in a relationship probably don’t want the drama of cheating or a break-up, she just wants a back up plan.
Frankly, a girl who wants affection and attention from two guys at once is not going to dump a guy who is there for her for one she can only have over AIM and the phone. That amount of relationship is probably not enough for her.
Good back up plans, don’t make moves, because when you do all of the sudden she will have to admit what she’s been doing and make a choice. She doesn’t want to make a choice. If she did, she would have by now. I’m sorry to be so negative. Perhaps she is just waiting for you to make a move, but that is very, very, unlikely.
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The Question
Making a complicated story simple, I love chewing gum in school. It's against school rules, but I do it anyways, and never get caught. So in my last class of the day, American History, I have 2 friends there, my friend Gina and my friend Alessandra and I always give them gum. This annoying kid behind me, Pauric, always wants some too, so being the nice person I am, I give him some. I ask to go to the bathroom, come back, and my gum is gone from where I keep it and I know he took it since he always asks for more, and my friends saw him. I want to tell the principal since he'll get in trouble, but at the same time, I'll get in trouble since gum chewing is against school rules. Any suggestions?
Thanks (:
(so much for keeping this short!)
The Answer
Sorry. You've already got this one figured all out: You can't go to police and complain that someone stole your marijuana. It just doesn't work like that.
Sorry hun, one of the issues with breaking the rules is that when you do, you don't have any recourse against injustice.
Just be more discreet about sharing your gum in the future or even more sensible: stop chewing it in last period, 'cause this Pauric guy is going to snitch on you the moment he gets a chance.
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The Question
Male, mid-20s.
Let's say that you were friends once with a girl, and then you dated, then you broke up, but still remained friends. Now, let's say you did what you thought was right to protect said friend, and she stabbed in the back as a result.
Now, let's say that after trying to clear the bad blood didn't work, you spent years filled with anger at said girl, so much so that everytime you see her, you don't want to be around wherever you were anymore, even if it's a place you love.
And let's suppose that you realize that if you don't at least make it so there is no more anger between you two, it's going to mess with your mental health.
How the hell would you at least end the anger and hatred, if not repair the friendship?
The Answer
Let’s say that hypothetical questions with vague indications of fault are a poor way to communicate and create understanding about a serious conflict.
I’m a firm believer that peace comes from acceptance and tolerance, so, cut through the crap and be straight up when you face this issue. Real life is not a hypothetical exercise. It’s your life.
So, how do you forgive when you know it will only hurt you if you don’t?
Well, everyone is a bit different and every situation is a bit different, but in the words of the great acting coach you should 'fake it, till ya feel it'. That means behave as though you have forgive and are at peace. That means accept what IS, and avoid 'what ifs', ‘could bes’ and assumptions about other people’s choices or state of mind. Know what you know, and don’t accept what you don’t. That also means striking phrases like 'stabbed in the back' out of your vocabulary. People who are at peace, don't use language like that.
Start there. By controlling your thoughts and your language and making sure that they are rational and tolerant. Keep doing it, until it becomes instinctual.
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The Question
Ok so this is probably a weird question. For about 4 years ive been cutting, not out of control or anything just a comfort thing for me. This isnt a question about how to stop or w/e so please dont tell me anything like that. Well when i first started and for about 2 years after, I felt really bad about it and felt like it was stupid and wrong and just all around bad. But lately i find myself seeing it as just a normal part of life, it doesnt phase me anymore. I have no real desire left in me to stop because i dont personally see it as a problem. what i want to know is: is the fact that i no longer see it as a problem, a problem itself? or since it just doesnt bother me, should it not matter? obviously im seeing things irrationally, but in anyone elses opinion, is this bad?
The Answer
The fact that you *know* you are seeing things irrationally should answer this question for you: Yes, it's bad.
It's bad to loose touch with reason, in even a small capacity, and even if it makes you feel good. It's bad to be desensitized to pain, and it's bad to drug yourself.
Do you understand that cutting is a form of drugging yourself? The reason cutting gives comfort is because it affects the pleasure centers of the brain and makes a person feel calm and happy. Drugs that have similar effects on the brain are illegal, and addictive.
By doing this you are actively and deliberately screwing with your brain chemistry and it doesn't take neurosurgeon to realize that is a bad idea. Its habit forming arguably it is even addictive behavior. You being okay with it doesn’t really matter. You might feel okay about eating a Big Mac for every meal, but you feel okay about it doesn’t make that healthy for your mind or body either.
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The Question
im 18 and my boyfriend is 20 years old we've been dating for one and a half month.well,im not sure how the topic about his ex girlfriend of 2 years came up and he said that he misses her we got in this whole big arguement now im not sure,if i should stay with him are not b/c i feel like he shouldnt be missing an ex .
The Answer
You can't tell other people what they should feel. That isn't fair or right.
If you don't like that he still has feeling for a girl he spend two years of his life when, then yes, you should dump him. But personally, I'd be worried about a guy who didn't miss a girl he spent two years with, that would just be cold and inhuman.
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The Question
Female, 24
I've had an eating disorder but as things have improved with my eating the weight has piled on to more than it was before i got ill so i'm very conscious of how "fat" i am.
Anyway, i was used to fitting into age 13 clothes but recently I'm in "adult" sizes and im confused about what size to go for.
In PJ bottoms (elastic waist) i'm a size 12, but i ordered 2 pairs of size 14 jeans and 1 pair of size 14 trousers all from the same catalog but only one pair of the jeans fit me, the other 2 were too small.
According to internet size charts i'm a size 18 - 20, which i always imagine to be absolutely huge.
I just don't know what size to get, and do other people find size charts get it wrong too?
Thank you
The Answer
Size carts are not simply wrong, if you are buying from an American catalogue they are have almost no basis in reality.
The original sizing charts were designed in the late 1950's. Sometimes this is called ‘Vogue Sizing’ since Vogue and many other couture lines have stuck to standardization and have not fallen into the trap of size inflation.
In they states there is no consistency among ready-to-wear manufacturers and brands. There is no law or policy that says what ‘Size 6’ ought to be. There is no reason for a manufacturer not to call what might actually have the measurements of a size 10, a size 6, just to make women feel better about being a size 6.
And they do just that. It’s called vanity sizing.
20 years ago we did not have size 0 and 00. People did not get smaller. Our clothes got bigger and they needed a new name for the smallest sizes.That's why they say that Marilyn Monroe was a size 14. In today's day an age she would be a size 6. I’ve very found of tell uptight little blonde sticks who don’t grasp the evilness of this practice that I’m a ‘Vogue 8’, because I AM an 8 in proper standardized sizing, even though when I go to stores I wear everything from a 5 to a 14 depending on where I’m shopping.
It’s also why catalogue purchasing doesn’t make as much sense as it did in the past decades. Sizes are NOT consistent at all. Each manufacturer will do something differently; sometimes it won’t even be consistent at the same store.
It’s just one more way society at large has fueled the female obsession with size. Best to ignore the ‘size’ on your clothing, its pure science fiction and doesn’t reflect your body type in anyway at all. Just buy what fits well.
If you are going to order from catalogues, just know what you are getting yourself into and make sure they have a good return policy. Because there is no escaping the fact that sizes just don't make sense.
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The Question
my boyfriend is 14 and will be 15 in a month and im 15. we've done everything but sex(hj,bj,finger,eat out).
we both want to have sex, but when i actually think it over i'm scared out of my mind.
i DO NOT want any STD's and i definitely do not!!!!!!!! want to get/be pregnant.
is this a good idea?
he will use a condom but i dont know, i'm still worried.
plus i'm alergic to laytex gloves but not laytex like balloons and stuff so do you think i will have a reaction to condoms??
i will not go to my doctor for anything so PLEASE HELP ME OUT!
The Answer
If you have engaged in all that sexual contact already, you probably already have any STD that he does.
You don't need to have sex to get a STD. Sexual activity like you've described can transmit many of them just as effectively.
If you weren't his first partner and/or he wasn't your first, you should both get tested.
Being scarred out of your mind, and not being confident enough to speak to a doctor, are both very good signs that you are not confident in your decision to have sex. I really want to have a snow leopard as a pet, but I still know it would be a bad idea, and I certainly wouldn’t talk to my vet about it! He’d probably get really angry with me. A wild animal as a pet is a bad idea.
Condoms are pretty good protection against STD’s and pregnancy, but they are far from perfect protection. You are right to be worried. At your young age, that is a huge risk to be taking. It’s only sensible and sane to want to avoid getting pregnant or getting an STD.
The best way to avoid getting pregnant or getting an STD is to not engage in sexual activity and to not have sex, the next best way is to use a hormonal form of birth control (like the pill) AND a condom. The first way is prefect protection; the second way will always carry some degree of risk.
You’ll need to check your allergies to see if you are allergic to the latex used in condoms. If you area, there are other kinds of condoms out there, but you might need to do some research into other types of condoms and where you can purchase them.
Having sex with a condom carries some risk, having sex without a condom is just plain stupid. Whatever you do, don’t be stupid.
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The Question
I'm currently recovering from an eating disorder and I realized that I still haven't gotten my period in over 5 months. I was wondering what will happen once it returns... Will I have a major period or something? Is it going to be any more bloody than a normal period?
The Answer
I would think it’s a bit different for everyone.
It's a bit unlikely that there will be a lot of blood. Your body hasn't had the energy available to menstruate, so it hasn't been wasting it limited resources on your period (it's been focusing on keeping more vital organs operational).
What will probably happen is that you will have a few light, irregular periods, as your body slowly recovers and begins to invest energy in your menstrual cycle again.
However, I’m no doctor, that is just my guess based on my own body when I’ve screwed with its cycle. This is probably a question best asked to a nurse or doctor.
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The Question
MY gf and i are together for almost 2 years, and now everyhings changed. i love her so much and i dont wan to lose her. i sometimes think that if she was not meant for me then i'll just end up my life because she's my life. it seems that our relationship is like a bomb waiting for its time to blow...everyday the clock ticks and the end is near for us. she always told me she love me but i could not feel it like before...was i too demanding for her to show it or she doesnt love me anymore? i am really confused and dnt know what to do..i wanted ending killing up myself so that i will not suffer the pain when the time comes..
The Answer
This doesn't sound like it's about her. You need to work on you.
You need a hobby. You need an interest that isn't just her. You are depressed, insecure and a bit obsessed. It's not fair to expect her to 'prove' her love, over and over again. Worse, it’s going to drain her affection for you. It would drain anyone’s.
To be a good partner, you need to have more in your life then JUST her. Being the only thing in another persons life is a huge responsibility and really tiring. That is a huge burden you are placing on her. Eventually, that burden will become annoying.
When we are young, and well, some of us even as we get older, mistake that kind of longing for love, but it’s really healthy love. It’s the kind of affection a child has for their blankie, and it’s not the foundation of a satisfying relationship between to equal partners.
Find something else in your life to be happy about and proud off. Take up a hobby or an artistic pursuit or a sport. Get some counseling for your suicidal tendencies before the burden of your mental health is too for her to bear. She can’t be your therapist or your feel-good blankie; she is real person with her own needs and sorrows, she can’ solve all yours and if you look to her too, she will leave you.
She probably isn’t ‘falling out of love’, but any half-way sensible young lady would be turned off if her boyfriend spoke like you did here.
You need help. And it’s not help that she can give you. You need to see a doctor or a counselor ASAP.
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The Question
Well, this guy and i have been messing around for about 3 years now. And hes 5 years older than me, but its become more intense. Like, now he wants me to sleep over and all that. But he has a girlfriend of two years, but he says he doesnt care about her. He basically just needs her for now because of work. Well, we are on the level of more than good friends and less than a couple, its confusing. I really have strong feelings about him, and i go over his house everynight and its not always about sex. I dont know if he is using me, and i really doubt it just because of how he acts towards me. I know he cares, but its like we cant be together right now because of our age difference and because i am 16. Am i a booty call? or is this all that can be at the moment? and until i become 18 this is all that can happen?
PLus, i stay over and we cuddle and all that.
idk, please any advice?
The Answer
The age is an excuse, the girlfriend is an excuse, and his work is an excuse.
You can accept them as valid 'excuses' if you would like, but it doesn't change the fact that he is giving you only sporadic affection and a lot of excuses.
This isn’t a relationship. This IS a booty call. Booty calls can be ‘cuddle calls’, it’s not really any different. Most guys like cuddles, especially if they are already getting more from two different girls...
He probably does care for you.
You are probably a great girl and very deserving of his affection.
However, neither of those things make him a great guy, or even a decent one and neither of those things can make his behavior okay.
He's betraying his girlfriend of 2 years, constantly, and he’s been leading you on with excuses since you were 13? There is no two ways about it hun, that is pretty low behavior.
If he can fool her, for two years and treat her so shabbily, somehow I have difficulty believing that you aren't also being duped by a cheater and a user. No matter how awful she is, no girl deserves a boyfriend like that. Not her, and not you.
You are being used, at least this far: You are being used as the girl who will accept watching him treat another person with disrespect and deceit. Most people wouldn’t.
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The Question
A friend and I had sex tonight. this was definitely not the first time and the other times have been great. and he has acted pretty cool after and things weren't awkward by any means. so tonight, i was on my period. we still had sex but he didn't know i was on it. i probably should have told him i know. anyways, i'm not sure how much blood or whatever was on the condom. and i have a feeling when he went to throw it away he saw the blood on it. he hasn't said anything about it and when he came back into the room he was just kinda.. weird, not how he would normally act. but yeah needless to say it's very embarrassing. I don't think he will want to talk to me again after this.. would you confront a girl about this or not say anything? and if he does end up talking to me, should i say anything about it? i'm afraid he will tell his friends that's a reason it's embarrassing.
The Answer
Give males some credit for common sense. Actually, DEMAND some common sense from them.
Men know we bleed. It's a fact of life as real as farting or burping or shitting, and women do all those things too, even if we pretend we don’t. Yes, it's a little bit yucky and guys are completely entitled to not liking it, however, when they are exposed to a bit of menstrual blood by accident, the only mature and decent thing a guy can do is get the hell over it.
If he never talks to you again because of this, he is a childish brat.
If he confronts you about this, like it’s somehow your fault, he is arrogant turd.
If he tells his friends, then he is lowest and more ignorant kind of male around so you can give him a swift kick in balls and tell him that you have nothing to be ashamed of and if he can’t handle a tiny little bit of menstrual blood in the future he should stick to fucking men.
If he does the correct, mature thing, and politely ignores this, or simply kindly says that yeah, it creeps him a bit, then just smile and say yeah, you didn't like it either so we'll try to avoid.
It’s not a big deal. It happens to everyone. It will happen to you again in your life, and it will happen to him again too. Sure, it’s a bit awkward, but don’t let it become a big deal, because it isn’t. It’s just biology.
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The Question
My friend is driving me nuts. Every day she calls to complain about her 15-year-old daughter. She spent the last two years trying to transform the girl from a quiet tomboy into Miss Popularity... and she's obsessed with her daughter getting a boyfriend. She's forced her to wear makeup and jewelry and dye her hair and wear certain clothes, and she made her try out for cheerleading, even though the girl didn't want to. She restricts her diet so she won't get "fat", and makes the girl work out and run three miles every day.
Up until recently, she'd complain to me about the fights they'd have when her daughter resisted these things. But she's finally gotten what she wanted - the girl has been completely transformed - and now she's complaining about that!
Now the girl is just as obsessed with boys and popularity as the mother is. She's gone from being a straight-A student to failing several classes. The counselor has advised her to drop down to an easier schedule, but the mother won't do it because there are boys she likes in those classes and the girl would "throw a fit."
Instead of making her stay home and study, she lets her go out every night - god forbid she should miss a social event and a chance to increase her popularity! So mom stays home and does her homework for her... if she can figure out what it is. The girl never writes down her assignments, because she can't see the board. Does she wear her glasses, I ask? Oh, no! She'd never do that - they make her look ugly! Can she ask the teacher to let her sit closer to the board? Oh, no! She likes the friends she's sitting by! So mom goes online each night, finds the assignments and does the work so her daughter can go mingle with boys. On the few occassions that she's tried to make her stay home and study, the girl threw such a fit that the mom "had" to give in or she'd make her life miserable.
She won't make the girl take any responsibility... yet she calls me every day, whining about how the poor thing is doing so badly in school, how mouthy and belligernet she's become - and how she can't do anything about it!
I'm getting so sick of hearing about this. And I'd love to knock some sense into her and say, "Can't you see that this is all your fault!?? Is pimping off your daughter really that important to you??" But I usually just sit and listen, because I can't think of a nice way to say it.
Do you think I should say something? I doubt she'd listen, but it's really hard keeping my mouth shut!
The Answer
I think the more important decision then whether you say anything, is whether you can listen to any more of this.
You are right; she probably won’t listen to you no matter how you deliver your message. Scream and yell, and you'll be the monster. Beg and plead and express your love for them both, and you'll simply be delusional and uptight. There is no winning. There is nothing you can do to solve the problem for them. There is no polite way to tell someone they are a sucky parent who is reaping what they sowed and dooming their child… that just can’t be done.
So my bigger question for you is: Can you listen to any more of this?
The context for my question is a bit more personal: For years I listened to my best friend bitch and insult the girlfriend of the guy she was sleeping with. She called this poor girl (who had no idea her boyfriend was fooling around on her) every name under the sun, and I politely advised her and ignore her bad behavior as well I as I could, until one day I decided I couldn’t listen to any more. I told her simply that I loved her, but I couldn’t listen to her insult that poor girl that she was helping to deceive any longer, or hang out with her and this guy. It was tough, but I stuck by it. I’d leave if he came over, and I’d end the conversation if she starting to slag on the girlfriend. It almost ended our friendship entirely. Unfortunately, it was a situation where I had to put my values ahead of our friendship.
On the flip side, it was probably the clearest message I could send her that I didn’t agree with what she was doing and that I didn’t respect her choices.
I’m sure you’ve given gentle advice to this woman before, so now be honest about where you are at: You are loosing respect for her and these conversations are making you very unhappy. It difficult to not get personally involved. She doesn’t take your advice, or changer her behavior and that is her right, but for the sake of the friendship you two need to find other things to talk about besides her parenting style, because you fundamentally disagree with her approach, and obviously neither of you are going to change your mind.
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The Question
Me & my g/f are thinking bout having sex. i wanna fuck her really bad, but I'm scared about getting her pregnent. She sayz she take birth control, but its only for her periods. Does that still work to stop her from getting pregnent?
We talk about it some and like she said that if I'm scared, we can just do it while she is on her period. If we do that, she won't get pregnent right? Its not too messy is it? Should I like nut on her stomach?
The Answer
Just use a condom.
Yes, she can get pregnant if you have sex on her period, and yes, it can be kind of messy.
Her birth control might protect her from pregnancy, or it might not have been perscribed with that degree of protection in mind.
When in doubt, use a condom.
If neither of you are mature enough to walk into a drug store and buy condoms, then you aren't mature enough to be having sex. Period.
And please, don't use terms like 'nut'. It's really difficult to give serious anwsers when you hear the kind of slang 10 year olds use in a question about sex.
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The Question
so thers a theory that the world is gonna end on december 21, 2012. i know that the mayans predicted this,but how come people think its gonna end? they said its something about a winter solstice, but what does that mean?
can someone explain to me how the world is gonna end or why it is cause im curious about this.
thanks!
The Answer
The world is probably not going to end, and even if it does, that doesn't make the people who said it would right, it makes them amazingly lucky.
The Mayan's never said the world was going to end in 2012. They divided their calendar, which accounted for thousands of years of passing time, into epochs, based on the movement of Venus through the sky. In 2012, we enter a new epoch in the Mayan calendar, call the Fifth Sun or Fifth World, which is similar symbolically to say a new millennium or centaury in our calendar.
The Mayans were a superstitious people. They believed large changes would occur at the beginning of a new epoch, but NO WHERE AT ALL did they prophesize the end of the world.
You might also hear the Egyptians did… they didn’t. Like the Mayans they were watching the sky and paying attention to Venus, so their calendar also reflects the changes in Venus’s position in the sky.
The winter solstice is the day of the year were we have the fewest hours of day light and the longest night. It has absolutely nothing to do with the bogus ‘End of the World in 2012’ beliefs, people just throw it in trying to make their silly stories sounds more creditable by mentioning something that DOES actually happen each year.
This is a fun read for you to help put these end of the world stories into perspective:
30 End of the World Predictions that Didn’t Come True
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/faith/article4717864.ece
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The Question
My mom passed away recently and left certain things to each of my many siblings. One sibling mentioned that our mom didn't own much and left behind very little. I don't know how she meant that but it bothered me somehow. I don't want to pass away and my children think "I didn't leave much". I didn't want or expect anything from my mom but feel bad someone had the thought that she left little (material things) behind. My question is, do children really expect to inherit a lot from parents? Or what would a child (on average) expect or want to inherit? I wouldn't want to disappoint my kids (too much).
The Answer
First off, I do think it's extremely important in these times of high emotions and pain, to assume the best in those around you. These little misunderstandings, when mixed with grief and pain, can sometimes swell to dangerous proportions. I think its best not to dig too deeply, but just to shrug and accept your sibling's statement at face value.
As for your actual question though: I think, more important then what you leave behind, it's best to prepare your children. Enough should certainly be left to cover a funeral expense, that is only polite. But after that, it's your money to do with as you please. What is important is preparing your children for your wishes, so they expect what they get, and what they get is what they expect.
Of course, everyone wants to inherit a small fortune! That would be nice. But the best way to be sure and not disappoint your children is to not mislead them. Although it’s a difficult discussion to have, for everyone involved, I think it must be easier come the time to know what the situation is.
My parents have always been clear with me: They don’t expect to leave much behind. They would rather help me with things I want now, my education and perhaps a home, then leave an inheritance. My father jokes that he intends to spend all his money while he is alive, and I expect he damn near will. They’ve told all their children this, and although it’s not a comfortable thing to hear, there is a peace in knowing that my parents have thought about how to divide their estate among their many children and it wont be our headache for us to figure out when they are gone.
Really, just think about what you want to do, and when your children become young adults, let them know what the deal is going to be. Knowing can only make their lives simpler and let you feel comfortable and confident in your plans.
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The Question
TO be honest, I guess the problem is more my Mother than anyone else.
I moved out of my parents house to live with my boyfriend three years ago. In those three years, my parents (who live three miles away) have been to visit us in our home a whole two times. My sister only ever contacts me when she needs me to do something for her and I never get any phone calls from ANY of them!
My Mum lost her Father at Xmas last year and her health isn't great but she makes NO effort at all to deal with any of these issues, despite a huge amount of support from everyone around her. But in all this, she has forgotten I exist for any reason but for her. I phoned her every day but stopped to see if she would ever call me. It's been three weeks since we spoke and all I get are messages on Facebook wanting to know when I'm going to see her.
Why is it always ME that has to make the effort?? Why can't she just be my Mother and be there for ME? She NEVER is there when I need her most because she's too busy wallowing. I'm desperate and completely without my parents right now.
What can I do??
The Answer
You can hate your parents because they are deeply flawed and fucked up individuals.
Or
You can love your parents despite the fact they are deeply flawed and fucked up individuals.
And that is pretty much the same choice most other adult children are faced with.
You aren't her parent or her elder. You can't control how she processes her father's death and shouldn't try too. You can’t control how she handles her own health; you can only express your opinion and concern in non-judgmental ways.
Of course, you can certainly exercise a bit of control over how she interacts with you! But that will require, you guessed it, some effort on your part.
Redefining a relationship and the way it operates is difficult, and it's always the work of the person who is more uncomfortable with the current arrangement. YOU, are more unhappy with your current relationship then your mother is. So the work to fix this is going to fall to you first. But you can fix it.
Start with two small steps:
ONE
If phone calls are important to you, you need to say so. Clearly. And maybe repeatedly.
Try this: Call your mother (because this current silent-treatment is both disrespectful and beneath you). During your conversation mention that you saw her facebook posts, but you find the phone so much of a better way to get in touch, and let her know she can always phone you when she has a question.
The next time she uses facebook, or e-mail (‘cause we both know she wont pick up that hint right away) just respond with this: Hey Mom! I’d love to talk to you about this. Why don’t you call me at *insert convenient time* and we’ll chat.
Repeat, until she phones you.
She will phone. If you consistently respond to other forms of communication with a friendly but firm message of ‘I’d love to speak to you, why don’t you give me a call.’ eventually, she will. It might take a while, and you might need to call her a few times while she is getting the message, but it will happen. When it does, praise her to high heavens! Tell her how lovely it was for her to call and how much you enjoy speaking to her, even if you kind of don’t. That way, she’ll know that a telephone call gets her a really positive reaction.
TWO
If having her visit your home is important to you, you need to say so. Clearly. And maybe repeatedly.
Invite your parents over for dinner. Perhaps offer them a few different dates to choose from for their convenience. Offer to drive them, or send a cab. After all, it’s only 3 miles. Certainly the half hour of your time or the $20 is worth it.
Make it very, very simple for them to come to your home. Tell them, straight forward and with love, that it would mean the world to you if you could entertain them as your guests in your home.
If they say no this time, don’t let it break your heart. Shrug it off, and try again next month.
Eventually, they will get the message that this is really important to you.
Human beings are creatures of habit, both you and your mom, are going to keep doing the exact same things, until one of you tries something different. So, try something different.
Try to find it in yourself to forgive her, and not to give up so much of your own heart into dealing with her. It IS possible to care for someone, without allowing their bad behavior to consume or obsess you. Instead of trying to force her to recognize her needs, or praying that she will finally figure out yours, be more selfish, be more demanding and go after what you want.
You want her to call you? Politely refuse to communicate with her in any other way but by phone.
You want her company in your home? Expect it, demand it, and leave her with no excuse time and time again, until you get it.
You want her to be there for you? Then ask her to be. Not by saying vague things like ‘I wish you’d pay more attention to me…” Vague statements like that never bring around change, they really only insult a person. Instead, think about a problem or issue in your life, even a small one, that you could share with your mother and ask her advice on. Even if you know what her advice would be, and you think it’s dumb! (It actually might even be better, because then you wont argue with her over her dumb idea, just accept it and thank her for it). It’s a place to start. Begin with “Hey mom, this has been on my mind lately and I want to know what you think so just listen for a second.”
If you are working that hard, and putting this much energy into trying to support your mother, it’s not too surprising that she can’t imagine you’d need any support or advice. Sometimes the very best way to stop a person from leaning to heavily on you is to just lean right back. Remind them you are human. Remind them you have feelings and wants. You can’t always expect people to figure those things out on their own.
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The Question
f/15
Okay, so I come from a Muslim family.
We believe that having sex is only allowed after marriage.
My mother and father have been divorced for about 8 years now, since I was around 7.
None of them have gotten remarried.
However, my mom has had this so called "boyfriend" for some time now, maybe 2 years.
He is a lot younger than her, by about 8 years. He's 37.
I don't really like him. There have been a few incidents where my mom was fighting with him and was crying because she believed he was cheating on her.
My mother has many self esteem issues, she thinks she is fat and ugly, etc, which makes it only more likely that she think he is cheating on her.
If you ask me, I would say he probably was cheating, as he is quite cute, young, and healthy.
Anyways, for almost 3 months now, I have been waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of them having sex.
I am absolutely HORRIFIED and DISGUSTED by it.
Sometimes they do it in the room RIGHT NEXT to mine, and other times they do it downstairs.
They are extremely loud and it's always at times like 3 or 4 in the morning. Last time was at 6 in the morning...
I was waking up early to do my homework and that's what I heard!
That time I threw a water bottle at the door because I could not stand it anymore.
Other than that, I have not said or done anything.
Sometimes when I am cleaning the house I find male or even female condoms in her drawers.
Just last week I saw an opened female condom on the floor near the garbage can......
However, I believe they are both drunk when they do it. I don't really know if this man is an alcoholic but I know that my mom sure likes that vodka.
There was even an incident a couple of months ago when I went downstairs to get some water, and my mom attempted to hide him in our breakfast room, which is the same place where the water bottles are.
I saw him and I got really angry, I said "WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" and went upstairs.
It seemed like they were both drunk though.
Anyways, I would really like some help with this subject.
I find it very disturbing and I cannot withstand it any longer.
Please help me!
The Answer
First off: Your mother is entitled to have sex.
I know it creeps you out. I know it might be against your beliefs; however, she is an adult, and perfectly allowed to have sex with her boyfriend in her own home.
You cannot tell her not to have sex.
You can REQUEST that she be a bit quieter and less disruptive.
She might not even know how loud they are being, and be heartily ashamed of herself when you mention that you can clearly hear them.
Or she might not be.
Either way, buy yourself some earplugs.
You should NOT have to clean up after her sex acts.
That is just not cool. I wouldn't leave that kind of mess for my roommate, let alone my child. So, stop doing it. You have no reason to be in her drawers anyways, she can take care of those things. By all means go on strike the next time you find a used condom: You don’t clean no more until she is respectful enough to handle her own latex left-over’s.
It’s okay for you to not like this guy, but you may NOT yell at him or throw things at him. He is your mother’s guest in your home. You don’t get to be rude.
So, when talking with your mother about this, be respectful and polite. Remember that she is an adult and she is allowed to make mistakes and screw up. She is allowed to get drunk and have sex. It would be nice if she didn’t, but she is still allowed too. You don’t get to parent her.
REQUEST that she be more respectful and not so loud (and buy yourself earplugs), and
DEMAND that clean up after herself, because you won’t be any longer.
It's okay to feel annoyed and fed up, but you have to remember what is a fair way to act and what isn't when you confront your mom about this.
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The Question
my parents arer constantly lectruing me all the time which casues me to swear and be reallr yrude and then they wil go on even more and say how i dont apprieciate anything and my dad says he tells everyone what im like its really getting to me now are argue with my parents every day without fail i really cant stand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Answer
Well, stop cursing and being really rude.
Arguing with your parents is fine, and that is going to happen. You are going to disagree with them sometimes (maybe all the time).
But NO ONE is going to listen to you or take you seriously once you start swearing and being nasty. No one. Can you imagine cussing out your boss or co-worker because you don't like what they are saying? I don't think so. It's not the proper way to communicate.
The first step in making your parents think better of you, and to ending this arguments in a way that doesn't make you look like an ungrateful brat, is to stop swearing and being nasty.
Listen to them. Disagree all you want, but no yelling and no swearing. You don't have to be a monster to disagree. You just have to wait your turn to speak, and be respectful instead.
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The Question
My brother is 18 years old and works at the same place as i do. (I'm 16). Long story, very short, he and his friends easily steal money. My bosses have no clue, have no cameras, and are not very on the ball. I'm talking grand theft. He's stolen approximately 5,000 dollars I'd say. It's extremely horrible. I've SEEN him steal some money, and I've heard from a couple of his friends that he confides in tell me that he does this. My brother is basically a straight A, seemingly nice kid, and my parents are too stupid to piece together that he's a thief. He bought half of a 15, 000 dollar car, and my parents thought nothing of it. They were pleased with his "savings and hard work ethic". I work the same damn job as he does and I've saved up maybe 1500 dollars, if that. My grandma asked me how he got such a nice car, and I was THIS close from telling her about everything. I don't know what to do.
The Answer
Talk to your brother?
If he is otherwise a good kid, then he likely has developed a complusion that's gotten out of control.
Start your conversation out with the love you feel for him, tell him you haven't told anyone else and don't want too, but that you really scarred for him and need to understand what is going on.
He might deny it, and that is okay. The best thing you can probably do for him, as his little sister is A.) Tell him he isn't getting away with it without anyone noticing, you are noticing and B.) Tell him you love him and are terrified for him.
It's up to you if tell a parent or a boss. I know that can be a really hard descision to make. But I think you should talk to him. You never know, you might be the wake-up call he desperately needs.
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