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Ranting - but there is a question at the end
My friend is driving me nuts. Every day she calls to complain about her 15-year-old daughter. She spent the last two years trying to transform the girl from a quiet tomboy into Miss Popularity... and she's obsessed with her daughter getting a boyfriend. She's forced her to wear makeup and jewelry and dye her hair and wear certain clothes, and she made her try out for cheerleading, even though the girl didn't want to. She restricts her diet so she won't get "fat", and makes the girl work out and run three miles every day.
Up until recently, she'd complain to me about the fights they'd have when her daughter resisted these things. But she's finally gotten what she wanted - the girl has been completely transformed - and now she's complaining about that!
Now the girl is just as obsessed with boys and popularity as the mother is. She's gone from being a straight-A student to failing several classes. The counselor has advised her to drop down to an easier schedule, but the mother won't do it because there are boys she likes in those classes and the girl would "throw a fit."
Instead of making her stay home and study, she lets her go out every night - god forbid she should miss a social event and a chance to increase her popularity! So mom stays home and does her homework for her... if she can figure out what it is. The girl never writes down her assignments, because she can't see the board. Does she wear her glasses, I ask? Oh, no! She'd never do that - they make her look ugly! Can she ask the teacher to let her sit closer to the board? Oh, no! She likes the friends she's sitting by! So mom goes online each night, finds the assignments and does the work so her daughter can go mingle with boys. On the few occassions that she's tried to make her stay home and study, the girl threw such a fit that the mom "had" to give in or she'd make her life miserable.
She won't make the girl take any responsibility... yet she calls me every day, whining about how the poor thing is doing so badly in school, how mouthy and belligernet she's become - and how she can't do anything about it!
I'm getting so sick of hearing about this. And I'd love to knock some sense into her and say, "Can't you see that this is all your fault!?? Is pimping off your daughter really that important to you??" But I usually just sit and listen, because I can't think of a nice way to say it.
Do you think I should say something? I doubt she'd listen, but it's really hard keeping my mouth shut!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I would talk to her and tell her how you feel about it next time she talks about it. Tell her your point of view and how everyone should be their own person. Hope this helps!
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First try and talk to her. Don't go and scream and yell, just tell her. I wouldn't be able to hear this lady talk about this girl. If she doesn't listen, which she probably won't, don't talk to her. Sooner or later she will get that message. If not then there isn't much you can do. You don't live with them and you can't change what that girls mom does to her. So I hope everything works out for you and good luck.
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I think the more important decision then whether you say anything, is whether you can listen to any more of this.
You are right; she probably won’t listen to you no matter how you deliver your message. Scream and yell, and you'll be the monster. Beg and plead and express your love for them both, and you'll simply be delusional and uptight. There is no winning. There is nothing you can do to solve the problem for them. There is no polite way to tell someone they are a sucky parent who is reaping what they sowed and dooming their child… that just can’t be done.
So my bigger question for you is: Can you listen to any more of this?
The context for my question is a bit more personal: For years I listened to my best friend bitch and insult the girlfriend of the guy she was sleeping with. She called this poor girl (who had no idea her boyfriend was fooling around on her) every name under the sun, and I politely advised her and ignore her bad behavior as well I as I could, until one day I decided I couldn’t listen to any more. I told her simply that I loved her, but I couldn’t listen to her insult that poor girl that she was helping to deceive any longer, or hang out with her and this guy. It was tough, but I stuck by it. I’d leave if he came over, and I’d end the conversation if she starting to slag on the girlfriend. It almost ended our friendship entirely. Unfortunately, it was a situation where I had to put my values ahead of our friendship.
On the flip side, it was probably the clearest message I could send her that I didn’t agree with what she was doing and that I didn’t respect her choices.
I’m sure you’ve given gentle advice to this woman before, so now be honest about where you are at: You are loosing respect for her and these conversations are making you very unhappy. It difficult to not get personally involved. She doesn’t take your advice, or changer her behavior and that is her right, but for the sake of the friendship you two need to find other things to talk about besides her parenting style, because you fundamentally disagree with her approach, and obviously neither of you are going to change your mind.
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