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Discarded by my Parents
TO be honest, I guess the problem is more my Mother than anyone else.
I moved out of my parents house to live with my boyfriend three years ago. In those three years, my parents (who live three miles away) have been to visit us in our home a whole two times. My sister only ever contacts me when she needs me to do something for her and I never get any phone calls from ANY of them!
My Mum lost her Father at Xmas last year and her health isn't great but she makes NO effort at all to deal with any of these issues, despite a huge amount of support from everyone around her. But in all this, she has forgotten I exist for any reason but for her. I phoned her every day but stopped to see if she would ever call me. It's been three weeks since we spoke and all I get are messages on Facebook wanting to know when I'm going to see her.
Why is it always ME that has to make the effort?? Why can't she just be my Mother and be there for ME? She NEVER is there when I need her most because she's too busy wallowing. I'm desperate and completely without my parents right now.
What can I do??
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Honestly, you're making a bigger deal about this than you should.
You stated that she sends messages on facebook asking when you are going to come. She is reaching out, just not in the ways you'd like.
Talk to her. Tell her you want her to come visit, and you want her to call.
I live with my girlfriend. She visits her mom all the time, her mom doesn't visit us much at all. Her mom isn't comfy with it because we aren't married.
If you need something, ask for it. She can't read your mind.
To give you an idea of how bad it could be, my parents do not call, do not e-mail, do not visit, do not contact me in any way. They live in Houston, and me sending them messages asking for status updates with the hurricanes is the only contact we have had in the last year, initiated by me.
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You can hate your parents because they are deeply flawed and fucked up individuals.
Or
You can love your parents despite the fact they are deeply flawed and fucked up individuals.
And that is pretty much the same choice most other adult children are faced with.
You aren't her parent or her elder. You can't control how she processes her father's death and shouldn't try too. You can’t control how she handles her own health; you can only express your opinion and concern in non-judgmental ways.
Of course, you can certainly exercise a bit of control over how she interacts with you! But that will require, you guessed it, some effort on your part.
Redefining a relationship and the way it operates is difficult, and it's always the work of the person who is more uncomfortable with the current arrangement. YOU, are more unhappy with your current relationship then your mother is. So the work to fix this is going to fall to you first. But you can fix it.
Start with two small steps:
ONE
If phone calls are important to you, you need to say so. Clearly. And maybe repeatedly.
Try this: Call your mother (because this current silent-treatment is both disrespectful and beneath you). During your conversation mention that you saw her facebook posts, but you find the phone so much of a better way to get in touch, and let her know she can always phone you when she has a question.
The next time she uses facebook, or e-mail (‘cause we both know she wont pick up that hint right away) just respond with this: Hey Mom! I’d love to talk to you about this. Why don’t you call me at *insert convenient time* and we’ll chat.
Repeat, until she phones you.
She will phone. If you consistently respond to other forms of communication with a friendly but firm message of ‘I’d love to speak to you, why don’t you give me a call.’ eventually, she will. It might take a while, and you might need to call her a few times while she is getting the message, but it will happen. When it does, praise her to high heavens! Tell her how lovely it was for her to call and how much you enjoy speaking to her, even if you kind of don’t. That way, she’ll know that a telephone call gets her a really positive reaction.
TWO
If having her visit your home is important to you, you need to say so. Clearly. And maybe repeatedly.
Invite your parents over for dinner. Perhaps offer them a few different dates to choose from for their convenience. Offer to drive them, or send a cab. After all, it’s only 3 miles. Certainly the half hour of your time or the $20 is worth it.
Make it very, very simple for them to come to your home. Tell them, straight forward and with love, that it would mean the world to you if you could entertain them as your guests in your home.
If they say no this time, don’t let it break your heart. Shrug it off, and try again next month.
Eventually, they will get the message that this is really important to you.
Human beings are creatures of habit, both you and your mom, are going to keep doing the exact same things, until one of you tries something different. So, try something different.
Try to find it in yourself to forgive her, and not to give up so much of your own heart into dealing with her. It IS possible to care for someone, without allowing their bad behavior to consume or obsess you. Instead of trying to force her to recognize her needs, or praying that she will finally figure out yours, be more selfish, be more demanding and go after what you want.
You want her to call you? Politely refuse to communicate with her in any other way but by phone.
You want her company in your home? Expect it, demand it, and leave her with no excuse time and time again, until you get it.
You want her to be there for you? Then ask her to be. Not by saying vague things like ‘I wish you’d pay more attention to me…” Vague statements like that never bring around change, they really only insult a person. Instead, think about a problem or issue in your life, even a small one, that you could share with your mother and ask her advice on. Even if you know what her advice would be, and you think it’s dumb! (It actually might even be better, because then you wont argue with her over her dumb idea, just accept it and thank her for it). It’s a place to start. Begin with “Hey mom, this has been on my mind lately and I want to know what you think so just listen for a second.”
If you are working that hard, and putting this much energy into trying to support your mother, it’s not too surprising that she can’t imagine you’d need any support or advice. Sometimes the very best way to stop a person from leaning to heavily on you is to just lean right back. Remind them you are human. Remind them you have feelings and wants. You can’t always expect people to figure those things out on their own.
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