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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I have two questions:
1.) Can a person with erotomania be aware that they have it?
2.) If a person believes they are in love with a celebrity or that the celebrity is their soulmate but is aware that the celebrity does not know them and is not in love with them back, is this still classified as erotomania?
The Answer
1.) Absolutely. It’s a delusional disorder. Most people are not able to recognize their own irrational thinking and delusions. If they can recognize them for the unhealthy obsession they are, they tend to fight them.
2.) Although that might not fit the full medical definition of erotomania, it is a very serious obsession and calling someone your ‘soulmate’ it's only the tiniest step away. It's a bit like saying "Is it okay for someone to do cocaine even though they know it's really bad for them and they will be really careful not to get addicted?". Of course that’s not okay. It could be a lot worse, but it still isn't okay.
I think the best thing to understand, if you or someone you know is having this kind of irrational obsession, is that there are reasons for it, and the reasons aren’t ‘love’. The reason is the way our brains deal with love.
Romantic love feels REALLY good. When we experience it our brain floods will all sorts of neurotransmitters that make us feel really good. Our brain rewards us for being in love, and that reward is the exact thing that motivates us to do crazy things for the one we love, so it’s useful is helping a relationship develop and move forward. In normal relationships, that intense reward fades slowly over time, which is why relationships start out really intense, but become more comfortable and routine after a while.
Except if the love is not returned and it turns into an obsession. Then our brain might just keep on rewarding us with the good feelings. The brain doesn’t know it should give up, so it just tries harder to make the love happen by giving you more and more good feelings. An erotomaniac clings to their obsession to keep those good feelings coming, it’s like encouraging your own body to give you a natural kind of cocaine.
Unfortunately, erotomania is a bit hard to spot in others unless you are on the receiving end of it. People are often good at hiding the full extent of their delusions from others, without knowing why, they understand it’s not okay to let everyone else know about their irrational thoughts. It’s a pretty standard way for a mental illness to ‘protect’ itself.
If you or a friend has crossed over into thinking a celebrity is their ‘soul mate’ then that person should seek counseling. That crosses the line from star worship and being a fan, too irrational thinking, and it should be nipped in the bud.
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The Question
This is long, so please bear with me.
I've been having some issues with my future brother-in-law (I'll call him J). He and my fiancee (I'll call him S) are twins, and had a closer relationship than most brothers. S has been fine about putting me first, but J views me as an intrusion on their relationship. No matter how many times S or I try to put J in his place (i.e. me BEFORE J), he just doesn't get the idea. He still sees it as him and his brother against the world.
S and I recently had a small tiff in the car while J was present. It was little, and we resolved it later on. A couple of days later, S and I found out that J had been telling everybody in his family (I mean everyone from siblings to parents to grandparents) that I was mistreating S. Now, everyone in their family thinks I'm nasty and not good enough for S. They've been discussing me and our relationship behind our backs. Basically, the entire family avoids real confrontation, so they won't say anything to our faces, but they love to gossip.
I've been invited to dinner at their house for Family Day next Monday (a holiday in ON), and I really don't want to go. The whole family made me feel entirely unwelcome for weeks, and have not apologized to myself or S.
Should I go and deal with the judgmental in-laws, or hold back for a while? How should I deal with this? And how do I get J to stop being so childish?
If it makes any difference, I'm 21/F, S is 22, and so is J. S and I have been together for 2.5 years, engaged for 1.
The Answer
Take a deep breath, and take some responsibility for your role is this. You have also allowed and encouraged a 'ME VS. YOU' mentality, and that is always poisonous to family relationships. As juvenile and petty as your fiancés brother and family might be, you are playing right into their hands by insisting 'me first’, and by giving them the cold shoulder.
When you get married to their son, you become part of the family. You do not become his only family, or even the most important family, only an important part of a big picture. As justifiable as your anger may be at these people, you are not doing yourself any favors by trying to ‘put them in their place’ or by labeling them judgmental. You are making the problem worse.
If S's family can decide in just a few weeks, after more then 2 years of dating, that you are a horrible person, then you have a serious problem. And the problem isn’t just that they are judgmental and gossipy! The bigger problem is that they don’t know you! People don’t make those kind of snap judgments based on gossip when they know, and have a relationship with another person! Those are the kind of snap judgments and gossip we engage in when we don’t really know someone, so we don’t really care much about them. Have there been issues in the past between you and them? Have you made an effort to become part of this family? Has your fiancé talked to you about what you might do to integrate yourselves, as a couple, into the family? Have you gotten some pre-martial counseling to talk about how families come together and how you both want to deal with in-laws?
If you haven’t done that last one, go and get some pre-marital counseling. There is obviously far more going on here then your question can bring to light and these are things you want to address before you get married. In the meantime, hold your head high and be respectful. Your fiancé’s family is YOUR family too, you don’t need to humble yourself before them, but you do need to be respectful and assume the best of them. If they have said nothing at all unpleasant to your face, then don’t you go and rely on gossip to dismiss them. That is just sinking to their level and playing the same silly avoiding conflict game as they do. If you want to behave better then they do, you need show up and do so. Go to the family event and hold your head high. You’ve done nothing wrong, and your relationship with these people is important.
Sometimes, the only way to make someone start to behave maturely is be uber-mature yourself. Get some counseling and some guidance on the appropriate ways to deal with these conflicts, because they are clearly complex and you causing too much stress, but don’t snub these people or write them off. If you do that, you’ll pay for it for the rest of your life.
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The Question
14-F
It doesnt actually hurt TO pee
Like. I'll pee. Everything will be fine. Then the last few seconds when Im about done peeing, it hurts really bad
The the part where the pee comes from?
I always flinch when it happened
This just started happening around monday/sunday night
Can anyone tell my what's wrong?
The Answer
You probably have a Urinary Tract Infection, and you must see a doctor. What you have described is EXACTLY how UTIs begin.
If you have a UTI and don't see a doctor, it will get worse.
First it will burn during the whole time you pee. Then you will begin peeing blood. Then, if you still leave it without treetment, the infection can spreed into your kidneys and you'll experience intense pain and eventually need surgury.
So, in short, go to a doctor, sooner rather then later.
In the meantime, drink A LOT of water and urinate often. That will help to keep the pain down. Mainly people find cranberry juice is especially good for keeping the pain minimal until they can get the medication they need.
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The Question
15/f
okay, so today my friend jon (who is my ex-boyfriend also; we broke up about a month ago) told me that he is basically addicted to internet porn and that he masturbates all the time. and that he actually did it so hard that he hurt himself to the point where he couldnt walk, and that's why he missed school yesterday. when we were going out he seemed to rush things alot and now im so relieved that i didnt really do anything with him (we only kissed).
now im really, really grossed out and i dont really know how to act around him. part of me is extremely grossed out that i even went out with him, and the other part of me wants to try to be friends, even though i sort of know it will always be weird. what do i do?
The Answer
I have to be totally honest with you here, and though I'm sure you'll disagree, here it is:
If this guy told you he masturbated so much he couldn't walk he is probably either
LYING
or has a serious blood flow/clotting/heart problem and should see a doctor.
Seriously. Masturbation is healthy and normal. Even someone who has a porn addiction should NOT be CAPABLE of harming themself with it unless they have a serious health condition, or a deeply unhealthy mental illness. It's a bit like trying to slice your wrists... unless you are unhealthy, you shouldn't be able to harm yourself if that way.
If you don't think he was lying, tell him he needs help, a doctors help.
As for being grossed out, if you DO want to still be friends with him, just let him know what you don't want to hear about it anymore, and in time you'll probably forget about it.
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The Question
I’ve been really close friends with this man for several years. We run in the same circle (of friends) and have the same passion for the arts. During the past few years, I’ve expressed my feelings to him which is more than just a friendship (I love him). His answer is always…I love you, with no further detail. I’ve asked on several occasions, Love me how? As a friend, like a sister? How? He clams up~ No answers.
A few months ago, we were talking on the phone and he blurted out, “I love you, I really really do.” Then hangs up the phone. What am I suppose to do with that? Again, what does it mean. I blow up…..I ask him, what does it mean, no answer. I proceed to ask him to stop screwing with my head. If he is going to be my friend, then be my friend.
And if he could express what his love means, then stop saying it.
Nonetheless, he continues to express that he truly does love me and we are friends. We don't speak for months. He deleted me off his friend's list. I recently attended an event and found out he was there, but left when he saw me. (We run in the circle of friends, so it is inevitable that we will see each other again).
I don't get it...why am I being treated this way....What did I do wrong? What could his reason be for avoiding me?
The Answer
You did nothing wrong, except put up with this flake for as long as you have.
You will never, EVER learn a better reason for his behavior then this: He is an idiot and a coward.
He probably isn't going to explain himself to you. Even if he did, his explanation would likely not be the truth, certainly not the whole truth.
We could sit here and speculate all day long:
Maybe he is in love with someone else too.
Maybe he is actually gay.
Maybe he doesn't know what love means at all.
Maybe he has some crazy fetish he doesn't want to tell you about.
Maybe he is in the witness protection program. Maybe he belongs to some crazy religious cult who will murder the woman he chooses to be with....
The possibilities are endless and there simply is no way to know for sure. You'll be happiest when you can make peace with not knowing.
In the meantime, if I were you, I’d be grateful for his cowardice: Take it as a gift of distance and time that will help you to let go of this connection and to even get a bit angry with him. That anger will help you move on to another connection, one with actually potential.
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The Question
Hi i'm 16 and i have had sex almost a year ago and i have lied to my mother she has no clue when i go to the doctor i lie about it ya i know its bad but just recently i had sex with a guy who was 18 he then got a gf the next day and told me that he was just using me because he was lonley and wanted someone and since he is 18 and he kind of tricked me into doing it with him because that day i had no intention in doing it with him is it rape should i tell my mom he doesn't speak to me at all anymore he ignores me what should i do
The Answer
If you agreed to having sex with him, then it wasn't rape. Even if you intended on saying no, but you ended up saying yes, then it wasn't rape. If you made the choice to have sex with him, then it isn't rape. It's rape only if you DIDN'T choose it, but it happened anyways.
It's rape if you don't consent. It's rape if you say 'No. Stop.' and they don't stop.
It's not rape if you decide afterwords that you made a bad choice, and that they are an asshole who lied to you. That makes them a jerk, a pretty bad person and yes, a bit abusive, but not a rapist.
You are also probably old enough that it wasn't statutory rape either.
If he DID rape you and force you to have sex, then yes, you should tell your mother, and the cops.
Whatever you choose, DON'T LIE TO YOUR DOCTOR. EVER.
They can't tell your Mom anything. There are laws to prevent that. Doctors exist to keep you safe and healthy, so do NOT lie to them. It's not safe to lie to health care professionals.
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The Question
I have a 17-year old daughter who is currently a senior in high school. All her life, she has never had a boyfriend or even a friend that is a boy. This specifically is not why I am writing, because she is free to be friends with whom she wants. However, she has confided in me that she is afraid of men and boys and has been her whole life. I am not sure if it is getting worse as she gets older or is just manifesting itself in different ways. I was never like this so I am not sure what would be considered 'normal' feelings for her to have. I have talked to a few close friends about this and they say that I should look into her past to see if anyone could have hurt her in any way. I can think of nothing, except for things that I don't think would still have much of an effect on her now, although maybe you think different (if so, please tell me). What I am thinking of happened during preschool. There was a group of boys that used to chase her and scare her all the time at recess. She was very afraid and for this reason she spent time hiding from boys and staying physically very close to her female friends. When she got older she always feared them. Although she is a shy person, it isn't a fear of rejection. She is afraid that they will do something to her to harm her. She can't even watch the news because of all the rapes and things of that nature.
I just don't know what to do or how to make it better. I would just like to find out what happened to make her this way and how to help her get past her fears. I appreciate any input you can provide.
The Answer
Fear exists in human beings. It comes to us very naturally and easily. It comes to us so easily that we even make up things to fear like evil aliens and demonic monsters.
It's sometimes best not to try and figure out WHY fear is happening. It doesn't really need a WHY. It just is the kind of animal we are.
The trouble with your daughter isn't just that she is afraid of guys, if she also has trouble watching the news and is frightened for her physical safety, then this goes way deeper then being scared at recess. She is irrationally fearful, and it's going to have a negative impact when she goes out into the world. Not wanting to date is one thing, but from what you are describing your daughter isn't very far from not wanting to leave the house at all, not walking alone, or refusing to go certain places because of fear. That is way more serious then not wanting to date.
Talk to her about consoling to help her get her frightening thoughts under control. She could be developing a state of mind that will prevent her from enjoying her life in the future.
Here is some quick reading on anxiety and phobias.
http://www.cfpc.ca/English/cfpc/programs/patient%20education/anxiety/default.asp
You might want to share some of what you learn there to help your daughter realize that what she is experiencing is totally natural, but it’s doesn’t have to be normal. She can get help and get it under control.
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The Question
If i get described for anitdepressants, will i seriously..go insane? or what? or crazy?
The Answer
Anti-depressants, or SSRI's (which is the family of drugs most often referred to as anti-depressants) are pretty serious medications, but they are NOT high-risk medications.
There is something called serotonin syndrome that these medications can contribute too. It's rather rare, and normally it happens when a person doesn't take their medication correctly (either takes too much, or suddenly stops taking it all together) or when they take an additional medication that causes a drug reaction or overdose (This is why it’s very, very important to be honest with your doctor/nurse/dentist about what medications you are taking. You never know what might be important and interact).
Your doctor will give you lots of information if they give you anti-depressants. You shouldn’t smoke (cigarettes or weed) while on anti-depressants and you shouldn’t drink to excess. Ecstasy and LSD can also cause serotonin syndrome. You also need to be careful if you take any migraine medications or prescription painkillers too.
Really, this is just about being aware of what you put into your body.
There is a really, really, really small chance, that you might experience serotonin syndrome from just going on the medication. But that is actually really unlikely. People who are against pharmaceuticals like to create this myth that anti-depressants will cause you to go insane, and that just isn’t true. What IS true is that if you are one of those very, very few people who have a negative reaction to anti-depressants, and start to feel more nervous and upset, all you need to do is call your doctor and help you decide what the best treatment is. As soon as you treat serotonin syndrome, it fades in about a day.
Anti-depressants can be life-savers, but like everyone medication you have to pay attention, listen to your doctor and be responsible. If you do that, they are perfectly safe, and they might really improve your life.
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The Question
Let's just say "Sally" and "Bob"..
Well Sally has a boyfriend and her boyfriend don't like me.. Well over the days.. he told Sally that i texted him saying "im bored" and "Your hot"!
and Sally just texted me out of no where "I FREAKING HATE YOU!!!!" and that i need to leave her and her boyfriend alone! and i dont even know what i did untell a little birdy told me today that he told her that i texted him that stuff! so now she is mad at me and the little birdy asked her if she was mad at me because i didnt do it and she said "yeah because Bob would never lie to me and make me sad" and blah blah blah! so i dont know anymore!
It's like...
Just because you (Bob) don't like me,, that doesnt mean that me and Sally can not be friends.. so he just wants us to fight and not to be friends i guess.. because Supposebly i like him! HAHAHA NOOOTTTT!!! and i tried to tell her that i never texted him and that i don't like him but she believes her boyfriend! so whatever.. she thought that he wouldn't lie to her.. well he just did! and if i did text him then he would know my number (BUT HE DON'T) haha!
And i would NEVER hurt her because she "was" my friend and i don't even like her boyfriend and i never will.. but i guess she don't believe me..
so now she is saying that i'm not a true friend and that she should of known before that i was not a true friend and blah blah blah!
And Sally was one of my best friends but i dont know what to do because i've tried to tell her that i didnt do it!
what do i do??
The Answer
You've told her the truth, now just leave it be.
A guy who make up something like that, wont stop there. He'll keep lying and sceming and evetually, she'll get hurt really, really badly.
She might be mature and sensible enough at that point to realize that you did nothing wrong. That you were actually a true friend who she lost because of her loyalty to a scum bag... or she might never.
Either way, it's time for you to let this go.
If it comes up agian, don't get angry or drawn into a discussion, just keep saying "No. It didn't happen." Don't talk about him, and don't let them change the subject. Don't get angry or upset. Just tell the truth and walk away.
Either she will realize her mistake, or she wont. The best thing you can do now and stay out of any fights, so when she does realize her mistake, you still have a chance at friendship.
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The Question
16/f please please read this and help me..
well, you may have seen many posts about this situation i keep mentioning/bringing up. but here is something a bit different. if you havent already read about this, i met this guy at my friends house, hes chill. but hes kind of an asshole who only wants sexual things from me.
anyways, we talk on facebook and lately hes been asking almost every week for me to send him a picture. first, he wanted one of my chest. i never sent it. then he wanted one of my thong. so i did send a picture of my thong just by itself on the floor, it didnt matter. then last night i saw he sent me a text. it said hey are we still gonna do those sexual things still? and i responded, yeahh haha why do you ask? and he said, i dont know lol so send me a pic of you in your panties.
..hes asked me multiple times for this. hes really pressuring me..i feel like i cant say no because then he wont talk to me anymore or want to do those things with me and he'll find some easy slut who will. i know im being stupid but i dont wanna lose him like that..but i just cant say no..i dont want to send one though. 1.) he will most definitly show it off to his friends.
i know this because when he was texting me last night, he said he was chillin with people. and i said, so you ask me to send a pic while your with people..? and he goes, haha no im leaving now but send a pic i want it bad
..i feel so slutty talking to him. i cant believe i even say half of the things i say to him. he pretty much asks if he can play with me and asked me to give him a lap dance and moan and all of this other perverted shit like that and i said yeah i would. i dont know why im being so stupid. i do somehow still want him though..but i dont want to send a picture. people could find out..even if its just of me wearing a thong, only down there though. but still..
:/
The Answer
Why do you WANT do talk to him anymore? He doesn't want to talk to you. He obviously doesn't actually like you or give a shit about your feelings or thoughts, he has made it perfectly clear that he only likes you body and talking about how he can get at your body. The rest of you doesn't matter.
You know you are being stupid, and that's okay, but at some point saying stupid things HAS TO turn into doing stupid things, or it has to stop all togeather.
You've reached that point. You either have to cut this guy off now and put a solid end to this OR do something really stupid like send him a picture.
Ending this is really not that hard to do, and you feel much better if YOU end it, rather then letting him end it whenever he realizes he can't get into your pants. Just tell him "Dude, chatting with you like this is fun, but I'm not sending you a photo. What kind of idiot do you think I am?" and then repeat that message until he gets it "Nope. I don't care what you promise or swear. I'm not sending ANYONE those kind of photos, and if you think I'm a prude for that, well, that would make you a scumbag."
It's easy. And it's either that or give in and do something really stupid that you know you'll regret later. So be the bitch, and put your foot down. He can never reject you, if you reject him. And you SHOULD reject him. He is unworthy.
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The Question
hello:) 18/female.
i have a good guy friend ben. we have a different relationship i guess you could say. he use to have a girlfriend of two and a half years but they recently just broke up. i'm the kind of girl who NEVER will text a guy first because i'm always paranoid that i'm being annoying or that they wont want to talk to me. well ben realized that we were not as close as we use to be and this was about 3 months ago when he was still going out with his girlfriend and he mentioned that he was the one who ALWAYS had to text me first. it's true, he does. but it's not like we talk everyday. we dont even talk every week. but when we text or see each other in person we talk about EVERYTHING like i tell ben sooo much because i trust him. the thing is, i've always liked ben as more than a "best friend" which is why its so hard for me to text him first. i overanalzye everything and if he didnt text back i'd feel stupid and start assuming he doesnt want to talk, etc. also when i dont know what to talk about i start being random and i also think that may be an annoyance. i'm just wondering though could not texting ben be a turn off? like making him always text me (when he ever even does) make him feel more distant from me? i just LOVE when he texts me first though because i know he wants to talk to me and it makes me happy :) i dont know what to do.
The Answer
Your policy of 'not texting first' could absolutely be a turn off, but more importantly, its disrespectful and dishonest.
I'm SERIOUS. It's disrespectful, if you value and enjoy someone's company and friendship, to never show them that value by reaching out them. It's demanding, controlling and childish to sit back and delight each time they reaches out to you, but deliberately refuse to give them the same pleasure.
You need to get over this. It's part of growing up, and it's part of being a true friend. You need to learn to deal with the fact he wont get back to right away all the time and you need to learn to approach people. If you carry on with this insecurity into your adulthood, it will poison your relationships and seriously hamper your professional life. So work on it now. Pick up your phone when you find yourself thinking of him, and DEAL with whatever comes next. I swear to you it wont be as bad as your mind is making it out to be.
There is no trick. It will feel like shit at first, but if you don't learn to do it, you wont grow or improve as a person.
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The Question
My fiance and I are planning our wedding for 8/29/09. The only problem - a 'girl' friend of his who he has put on the guest list that I cannot stand. They have been friends for 20 years and everytime I come in contact with her she is extremely rude to me. When we first started dating I found her through another friend on myspace (website). I requested to be her friend because I knew she was a friend of my fiance's and I figured I would introduce myself. I am friends with several of his other friends on the website. She responded to my request with 'I'm sorry, but why are you requesting to be my friend? I don't know you, I've never met you. I know you're dating my friend but I've never met you.' From that point on she has been the one and only problem in our relationship. I have invited her to a few different events, trying to get to know her, and she refuses to come, making up excuses. She calls my fiance when I'm not around and they seem to have a secret friendship. He doesn't tell me when they talk because he thinks it will start a fight. All of his other friends have always been nice to me but for some reason she doesn't know how to be. I recently contacted her via email to see if we can meet up and clear the air, for the sake of my fiance. She refuses to email me back and told my fiance that she doesn't want to meet up with me because I didn't invite her to his surprise birthday party. I'm sorry, but why would I invite her if she is so mean to me? I completely trust him, but her I do not. She has jealousy written all over her face. I refuse to invite her to the wedding because the sight of her will ruin my day. Everytime I think about her and this situation my stomach becomes upset and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to feel that way on our wedding day. My fiance wants her to be invited to our wedding but I know it will cause a huge problem. We tried talking about this a few times and we cannot seem to resolve it. If the situation were reversed, I would take his feelings into consideration because I would not want to ruin our special day. I feel that he is marrying ME and he picked ME. Why does he continue to put her before me? I am supposed to be the most important person in his life.
The Answer
It's his wedding too.
Just because you are the most important person in his life, doesn't turn you into the ONLY person in his life. It also doesn’t make your feelings automatically more important then his own.
You have contributed, a lot, to the vicious cycle with this woman. The best, mature way to end this now is not to banish her from your wedding, but to forgive, and tell your fiance that you need his help in building a civil relationship between you and her.
You have, by your own admission here in this question, assumed the worst of her, talked nasty about her, turned her in a ‘problem’ in your relationship and allowed her friendship with your fiance to be driven into secrecy. You are just as guilty as she is, and your fiance is, for those things. You are just as much to blame as they are. Accept that and then realize that one of you is going to have to grow up, and be the respectful, forgiving adult, and since you are the one asking this question, I'm going to tell you to do it!
It is obviously important to him that she is there, so sit him down and tell him that you BOTH need to work at this friendship with her so it’s acceptable to you both, and promise him to truly commit yourself to making peace with her. Then ask HIM to invite her out, with the both of you. YOU should not be writing her letters or inviting her out: That smacks of confrontation and bitchiness. Let him be the peacemaker between the two of you, it’s a role he should have taken on long ago, instead of allowing this friendship to be pushed underground. Make it simple for him. Tell him you want to forgive and make peace, and that you need him to stand with you for that, and help to fix this problem.
Then be NICE. Truly nice. Learn how to be in a room with her. Learn how to be nice to her. You don’t need to like her, but you do need to be civil and comfortable in a space with her. Anything less then that, is a slap in the face to your fiance.
If you truly trust and respect your fiance, you should trust and respect his judgment in calling her a friend. If you can have no other feeling for her other then “I hate her guts! But the man I love cares for her so she can’t be all bad.” then you are in a good and healthy place.
If you put your foot down now and refuse to have her at your wedding, and you’ll simply be continuing the negative and childish games you’ve already been playing and you WILL destroy you relationship. Not because she is ‘the problem’ in your relationship, but because YOU turned her into one, instead of loving and trusting your partner enough to make his own decisions and to have him take the reigns and mend the bridges between two important people in his life.
He’ll feel your don’t trust, respect or value him, and he’ll have a really valid point.
If she is totally unwilling to come and met you and be civil even when he asks her too, because he has been told by you that you are opening and forgiving, then you can turn to him and fairly and justly say “Look, I tried. She isn’t interested in celebrating or acknowledging us a couple, so I’d rather she not be at the wedding.” but until you honestly and sincerely forgive yourself, and devote yourself to your fiance and to making peace between all three of you, then you are just behaving as nasty as she is.
Besides, do you really want to marry a man who will put you first, even when he thinks you are dead wrong? I wouldn't want to marry a guy who was that much of a pushover...
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The Question
I have a young friend who is 13 years old.
She still has contact with both her Mother & Father, however the Mother has a personal grudge against the Father, and I know this because I have spoken to her, and have heard her personal opinions on him. Now this is normal I know..
BUT where the young child is concerned, she really wants to see her Father, and is missing him greatly, but the Mother is refusing permission to be visited or let the Daughter visit, for no apparent reason, however it is now effecting her schoolwork, she is typically rebelling against everyone and everything, and the more she is punished by the Mother, the more she rivals against her in the hope she will get to move houses and live with her Father.
The question I am asking is what is the Law on visiting a parent, or being visited?
I have heard that is against the law to refuse permission to the child/children in question to see the biological parent?
Is this true or not, and what is the exact law? I have tried researching it, but with little success. I would like definate answers if possible, not ''I think, I heard, Maybe'
's. ''
Thank you.
The Answer
Unfortunately, no one is going to be able to give you definite answers on this one, probably not even a lawyer. The issues around visitation and Father's rights are new legal issues; there isn't a firm framework in place for dealing with them.
Access disputes, visitation laws and child custody are almost always handled by the state, not the federal government, so without knowing your state (or even country, I am just assuming it's the US) it's impossible to give your precise information.
You might e-mail someone at the American Coalition for Fathers and Children. They are one of the largest organizations in the states dealing with fathers rights and might be able to give you the answers you seek.
http://www.acfc.org/site/PageServer
Frankly though, any action taken against this girls mother, will need to be undertaken by the father. If he is unwilling or unable to do so, then his daughter is sol.
As her older friend, the best influence you can be is to STOP blaming her mother. Even if you are absolutely right, you don’t do a thirteen year old any favors by saying it’s all her parents faults (because one is a monster, and the other is absent) instead, focus on helping your young friend deal with anger in more productive ways. Rebelling probably isn’t going to get her if what she wants, and even if it does, that will teach her a pretty lousy life lesson (Just behave like a monster until you get what you want!). So don’t take whiny, self-indulgent, parent-bashing from her, instead, agree with her that her mother has made some major mistakes and put the onus on her to find ways she can live as happily and productively as possible, wherever she ends up, and not on ways to ‘fix’ the fucked up adults around her.
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The Question
I'm 17 and a regular bloke who likes surfing, movies, footy and drinking. I wouldnt say i have a homosexual trait in me at all. I have never really been called gay before apart from the odd payout, but a couple of weeks ago l was with a few mates and we were having some bongs in my mates shed.. I had about 8 bongs and after that can't remember a thing. I must of blacked out.
From that night onwards everyone has been calling me gay because i must of said something gay or whatever. They've been acting different around me now like i am actually gay. They have been telling everyone else what had happend but not telling me anything. I have asked my mates what happend but they keep denying l did anything.
How do l find out what happend and make them stop thinking im gay?
Cheers
The Answer
There is no trick to finding out what happened, you are just going to have to hope that one of your 'friends' is actually decent enough to let you know.
There is also no trick to 'proving' you aren't gay. You really are just going to have to wait for it to blow over, remind people it isn't funny, and not get so shitfaced agian that you black out.
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The Question
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me in August- it was the second time we had been dating, we first dated in February last year but broke up and then got back together over the summer. Well, I've missed him a lot because he was my best guy friend. Well, we've been getting better, and talking more and he and I talk about relationship problems like we used to before anything happened between us. And last night, he told me about how he's losing his trust in girls after how some of them have treated him. And he was really down about it, so I told him it would be ok, that there were plenty of great girls out there and he would find his, and he responded saying that he hopes he finds her, and that he hasn't already passed her up... and I think he was referring to me because I'm the only girl he has had an enjoyable relationship with. And now I don't know what to do because I'm dating someone else now. I don't love him though, he is nice and a sweet guy and treats me right, but there just isn't that spark. I feel bad leaving my current guy for my ex, but I miss the way it was when I was with my ex. There is nothing better than dating your best friend. But then again there is the chance that he may leave me again. I'm not sure if I should trust him again. What do you guys think?
The Answer
If you don't want to be with your current guy, dump him. The spark isn't going to magically appear, so don't string him along.
Don't go back to your ex.
You've already tried that. It didn't work. There is no half-way rational reason to think it will this time.
All your ex sounds like, is a guy who wants, wants, wants. Right now he wants you, tomorrow he'll want something else. It might be a bit flattering, but other then that, it is basically meaningless. His comment wasn't serious, and you shouldn't take it seriously.
Keep working on your friendship with your ex, and remember that part of having a 'friendship' with someone, is shooting down any careless comments about having anything more with them and that is exactly what your ex did: he made a careless comment. You shouldn't let him get away with tugging at your heart strings like that, it's not friendly.
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The Question
My husbands son lives with us. He is 19 years old. He had a job but got fired because he didnt go to work. He has been out of a job and hasnt even been looking for over 2 months now. When he DID have a job, he paid for his own cell phone bill and his car insurance. Now that he hasnt been working, my husband says that we have to pay for it until he gets another job. I am tired of paying over 100 dollars a month extra when we have a hard time paying our own bills the way it is. My husband and I have fought and fought over this issue. His son sleeps until noon or even later, comes and goes as he pleases, showers, eats, does his laundry, lays around and watches tv all day and does NOTHING at all to help around the house. I am at my wits end!! I work full time as does my husband. I work very hard at the job I do, and dont feel like I should have to help out a lazy no good 19 year old. What should I do??
The Answer
Ask your husband for his opinion. No accusations, no judgments, just questions.
Do you think there is limit to how much we should agree to support this boy?
Do you think there should be some responses if he continues not to look for work?
Do you think he should have some responsibilities around the house if he is living here rent free?
By asking your husbands these questions, rather then fighting with him, you are giving him a chance to express his own unhappiness and disappointment in this situation, and maybe making some steps towards making a plan on how to respond to this boy.
If you keep attacking his son, he will keep defending the boy.
Lay off for a few days, and then ASK your husband for his perspective on this. Don’t ask vicious or leading questions like ‘What are we going to do about this lazy bum!?’ ask gentle questions about your husbands perspective “What would you like to see happen?”
Hopefully, in letting him express his feelings, you two can find a few small things you both can agree on, such as giving him a few chores, or expressing to him that you expect him to hand out at least 2 resumes a week, or something like that. Small steps that you and your husband will both be able to get behind.
You might also ASK your husband about how long he feels it’s acceptable for the boy to live with you well unemployed. Will this situation be okay in 3 months? In 6 months?
The place to start here is to stop talking and instead listen to your husband’s perspective first. If you lay off the boy a bit, I bet you will find your husband will start to lean on him more and make more demands, but right now you are doing all the work for him. So step out of the middle and see what your husband does when he is left to deal with boy himself.
If he doesn’t think there is a problem with the current situation, and wont offer anyway to pressure his son or reduce your unhappiness, then you can start to think of your response. Your response should NOT be to bully and harass his son, but perhaps you feel that in order to continue to be able to financially support this boy and pay your own bills you will need to go without your husband’s favorite expensive foods to make up the difference. Perhaps because you need to spend more time cleaning up after a third person you will not be making dinner two nights a week, because you need some time to relax. Perhaps you need your husband to clean up the bathroom downstairs, because having to clean it is causing you too much resentment towards his son and you need some distance so you can be friendly with the boy… Think about ways you can take back what you need for yourself, and let your husband feel the burden of his son’s presence.
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The Question
i think i might be anemic. i havent consulted a doctor, but my parents never let me go alone, so i couldnt anyways.
im 16/f and im always tired! i get plenty of sleep at night. 7-10 hours 6/7 nights a week. my dad says its because im going to bed too late and getting up too late. but he makes me go to bed before midnight and get up before 9:00 am. so that couldnt be the problem.
whenever i sit down too long i get up and feel lightheaded for a few seconds. sometimes i even black out and have to hold onto something. does that sound like anemia, or something else..?
but if it IS anemia, can someone tell me some foods that might have some iron in them so i can feel normal again? ive been so weak and everyone thinks im depressed but im just tired. :\
The Answer
Cream of Wheat is kind of gross (think extra-bland porridge) but, if you are iron deficient, it will solve your problem ultra-fast since a cup serving has almost 80% of your daily recommended intake of iron. It's really a beautiful thing that has helped me a lot when I've become too low on iron and you can get it at any grocery store.
Liver and kidney are also fabulous sources of iron, with all other meats following behind them. Making sure you get at least one good serving of meat a day will help you keep the iron up.
Check here http://www.mcgill.ca/studenthealth/information/nutritionalhealth/ironrich/ for a list of foods with iron in them, but personally, I'd suggest you eat a small bowl of Cream of Wheat every day or every other day for a week or two. If that solves the problem, you can be pretty certain you were iron deficient and after that just have another serving every once and while to help keep your iron up.
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The Question
well it was jus our 1 month on saturday. and hes 17 and im 16. he sent me a pic of a little boy. and said it was his son. i asked if it was really his cousin or something and he said no. its really his son. when he was 13 years old. and hes barely telling me now. he never tells me anything. like he doesnt talk about his life. and my friends said i cant get mad over his past cause its his past. im not so much worried about that. im worried hell get back with the mom of the kid. and he says hes not gona leave me tho. and my friends are saying maye its his way of beigging to open up with me. well i acted really immature when i found that out. but i mean it was a shock to find that out. i thought he was a virgin. but my question is how can i get him to forgive me cause now hes mad at how i acted. so someone please help me. i dont want to lose him! thanks in advance
The Answer
If he is misleading you, or lying to you about the existence of a child, that isn't 'the past'. A child is the present and the future, and it's very fair to expect some honest answers about a situation as serious as this one.
Apologize to him for what you've done wrong, but insist that you can't go forward in this relationship until he honest with you about his history AS THAT HISTORY AFFECTS YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER.
Whatever mistake you made, that much of a serious discussion you deserve if he really wants to have a relationship with you. If he can't talk about it, then I'd suggest dumping him, because a guy who can't talk to you about his child is hardly even your friend, let alone your partner.
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The Question
the other day, my husband left his e-mail inbox open on the screen. well, curiosity got the better of me...anyway, i saw that he and a male co-worker have been exchanging pictures of women that they see in public places, ie, backsides of fully-clothed women in grocery stores who are innocently shopping and have no idea that men are taking pictures of their backsides. i am repulsed and embarassed that the peeping tom is my husband. should i say anything to him or should i act like i don't know anything?
The Answer
You should probably say something to him, as well as apologize for going through his inbox.
However, what he is doing is pretty low, but more importantly, dangerous and illegal. If he gets caught, it could be very embarrassing for him, and possibly dangerous or get him into legal trouble.
Use THAT angle. If he doesn't have the sense to see that this is disrespectful and inappropriate to be taking these pictures of strangers, point on that it's dangerous and risky behavior as well.
One of these days, he'll get caught, and if he's lucky he'll get a swift kick in the balls. If he is unlucky, he might find himself sitting in a cell having to explain to a police officer who probably wont share his twisted sense of humor.
Remind him that not only are you disgusted by his poor judgment and bad behavior, but you are concerned for the risks he is taking in doing something so stupid.
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The Question
alright. I am 13 years old and I am a girl. I've liked this boy for awhile now, let's call him Dave and its up for debate but if I had to guess I would say he liked me too. One night Dave and I were talking and we got onto the subject of a boy who I really dislike. Lets call the boy I dislike Mark. Now I told dave "yeah I'm not a very big fan of Mark... Like at all..." and Dave asks "why do you say that?" so I decided to tell him how Mark treats me. I told dave about how Mark grinded on me against a locker and made these repulsive noises. I even told Dave how much this bothered me but instead of maybe agreeing with me by simply saying "Yeah that's rude" or even something along those lines he said something that really pissed me off. He said "mark is just trying to have some fun." I felt like screaming at him. Who is that fun for?? Its not fun at all!! I'm glad upsetting me is so entertaining to you boys but its disrespectful to me and not only was Dave not treating this situation like no big deal, he was acting like its okay that Mark does this! To make matters worse, after this Dave said "its late... I gotta go, see ya..." and he left. I am so confused!! Dave has always been such a gentleman and he's always respected me and stuck up for me, I really like him but I dont know what to do now! This doesn't even seem like him! I dont know if i should bring it up or what. I haven't talked to him since we had that arguement and its been four days!! Please help! Advice from boys would be helpful if you could!
The Answer
Go take your anger and scream at Mark, that's where is belongs.
The next time Mark crosses the line, let him have it, swiftly and without mercy. I don't mean hit him, I mean saying in a very loud voice "Mark, I don't like that! Stop it! It's disgusting and abusive and not funny."
Dave didn't do anything wrong. It's not his job to agree with you on everything or to stand up for you, it's YOUR job to stand up for yourself. So next time Mark pisses you off, do so.
If Dave is any otherwise good guy, then it was impolite of you to automatically assume he was on "Mark's side" and to go off on him like that. You would have been much better to explain yourself calmly to Dave and say "Dude, I don't think you are understanding how embaressing and uncomfortable it feels when a guy does that to me. It's not the least bit funny, it makes me feel like shit!"
Dave probably DOESN'T know it's a big deal. Dave has probably never had an experience like the one you describe with Mark. An experience like that might not even upset Dave the way it does you, and that is Okay. He is allowed to view this differently then you.
But YOU didn't explain your feelings to him very well, or in a way that would generate much understanding or respect from him. Dave probably felt that he was on the receiving end of a male-bashing rant when all he had done was not automatically agree with you, and frankly, he was right. You're reaction was extreme, a bit sexist and although you had every right to express yourself to Dave, you didn't have a right to go off the handle on him.
Apologize to Dave. Explain that Mark's behavior really upsets you and that is why your reaction was so extreme, but that it shouldn't have been directed at Dave, but at Mark. Then, the next time Mark pisses you off, let him know it! That way you wont have all this pent up emotion that might get dumped onto the wrong guy.
EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
Disappointed? Sure. You can be disappointed.
But you shouldn't be bitchy, or write him off because of this. You were right about it not being funny. You were wrong in ripping a shred off Dave, and frankly, based on the way you wrote this question, I would bet Dave feels like you ripped a shred off him, and you should probably apologize for that.
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