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In-law issues.
This is long, so please bear with me.
I've been having some issues with my future brother-in-law (I'll call him J). He and my fiancee (I'll call him S) are twins, and had a closer relationship than most brothers. S has been fine about putting me first, but J views me as an intrusion on their relationship. No matter how many times S or I try to put J in his place (i.e. me BEFORE J), he just doesn't get the idea. He still sees it as him and his brother against the world.
S and I recently had a small tiff in the car while J was present. It was little, and we resolved it later on. A couple of days later, S and I found out that J had been telling everybody in his family (I mean everyone from siblings to parents to grandparents) that I was mistreating S. Now, everyone in their family thinks I'm nasty and not good enough for S. They've been discussing me and our relationship behind our backs. Basically, the entire family avoids real confrontation, so they won't say anything to our faces, but they love to gossip.
I've been invited to dinner at their house for Family Day next Monday (a holiday in ON), and I really don't want to go. The whole family made me feel entirely unwelcome for weeks, and have not apologized to myself or S.
Should I go and deal with the judgmental in-laws, or hold back for a while? How should I deal with this? And how do I get J to stop being so childish?
If it makes any difference, I'm 21/F, S is 22, and so is J. S and I have been together for 2.5 years, engaged for 1.
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Yes you should totally go. I wouldnt necessarily kiss butt. But you can't let J let them actually believe it's true .. this is your chance to show them that you r not mistreating ..
Before going though you should have a little talk with your fiance and let him know that you need him to be on your side.
I wouldn't over do it. But be kind and polite and be yourself. Have a good time with your fiance and his family.
In the end, his family will think J is wrong.
I hope it works out for you
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well i would say go, because if you don't they might think it is true, explain to 'j' that he does play an important role in you brothers life, but so do you, tell him that you are not trying to erase him out of the picture, you merely want to have room to breathe.
hope fully this helps!
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Take a deep breath, and take some responsibility for your role is this. You have also allowed and encouraged a 'ME VS. YOU' mentality, and that is always poisonous to family relationships. As juvenile and petty as your fiancés brother and family might be, you are playing right into their hands by insisting 'me first’, and by giving them the cold shoulder.
When you get married to their son, you become part of the family. You do not become his only family, or even the most important family, only an important part of a big picture. As justifiable as your anger may be at these people, you are not doing yourself any favors by trying to ‘put them in their place’ or by labeling them judgmental. You are making the problem worse.
If S's family can decide in just a few weeks, after more then 2 years of dating, that you are a horrible person, then you have a serious problem. And the problem isn’t just that they are judgmental and gossipy! The bigger problem is that they don’t know you! People don’t make those kind of snap judgments based on gossip when they know, and have a relationship with another person! Those are the kind of snap judgments and gossip we engage in when we don’t really know someone, so we don’t really care much about them. Have there been issues in the past between you and them? Have you made an effort to become part of this family? Has your fiancé talked to you about what you might do to integrate yourselves, as a couple, into the family? Have you gotten some pre-martial counseling to talk about how families come together and how you both want to deal with in-laws?
If you haven’t done that last one, go and get some pre-marital counseling. There is obviously far more going on here then your question can bring to light and these are things you want to address before you get married. In the meantime, hold your head high and be respectful. Your fiancé’s family is YOUR family too, you don’t need to humble yourself before them, but you do need to be respectful and assume the best of them. If they have said nothing at all unpleasant to your face, then don’t you go and rely on gossip to dismiss them. That is just sinking to their level and playing the same silly avoiding conflict game as they do. If you want to behave better then they do, you need show up and do so. Go to the family event and hold your head high. You’ve done nothing wrong, and your relationship with these people is important.
Sometimes, the only way to make someone start to behave maturely is be uber-mature yourself. Get some counseling and some guidance on the appropriate ways to deal with these conflicts, because they are clearly complex and you causing too much stress, but don’t snub these people or write them off. If you do that, you’ll pay for it for the rest of your life.
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