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Afraid of boys?
I have a 17-year old daughter who is currently a senior in high school. All her life, she has never had a boyfriend or even a friend that is a boy. This specifically is not why I am writing, because she is free to be friends with whom she wants. However, she has confided in me that she is afraid of men and boys and has been her whole life. I am not sure if it is getting worse as she gets older or is just manifesting itself in different ways. I was never like this so I am not sure what would be considered 'normal' feelings for her to have. I have talked to a few close friends about this and they say that I should look into her past to see if anyone could have hurt her in any way. I can think of nothing, except for things that I don't think would still have much of an effect on her now, although maybe you think different (if so, please tell me). What I am thinking of happened during preschool. There was a group of boys that used to chase her and scare her all the time at recess. She was very afraid and for this reason she spent time hiding from boys and staying physically very close to her female friends. When she got older she always feared them. Although she is a shy person, it isn't a fear of rejection. She is afraid that they will do something to her to harm her. She can't even watch the news because of all the rapes and things of that nature.
I just don't know what to do or how to make it better. I would just like to find out what happened to make her this way and how to help her get past her fears. I appreciate any input you can provide.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
There is a number of reason why she could be afraid of
male's She could have witnessed males in her life being
physically or verbally abusive. Which caused her to have
trust issues. Besides for that she could have not necessarily been
abused but neglected or lost an important male figure in her life
which causes the fear. Signs you maybe want to look for would
be recurring nightmares or flash backs of UN explained incident
I would maybe suggest a councilor that would be better trained
to figure out what the issue maybe. I hope this helped please
feel free to send me a message if you have any further questions.
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I seriously believe you should seek counselling for your daughter. Maybe something happened in her past you don't know about and she can't speak to you about it. If it is those incidents when she was in pre-school, then she was never given the necessary tools to deal with it and needs a bit of help overcoming it. There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about seeking advice from a professional source. She is 17 and should be out having fun with both boys and girls. This fright she has about boys and men has become an obssession to her. Please for her sake, get professional help for your daughter.
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::Edit::
Absolutely, drop a question on my username anytime you like. I don't check this site every day, but when I do I'll help any way I can. Try to include a URL to previous question(s) so I know who I'm talking to.
::/Edit::
Your daughter needs to speak to a professional.
My first off the cuff inclination is to say that she's got some incredibly heavily repressed memories of something, and that its likely someone did hurt her when she was younger.
I've known friends who completely repressed things and fell apart in college when something triggered a remembrance and things they never knew had happened to them came crashing back down.
They were usually associated with fears like your daughter has.
I'm definitely not an expert, and my whole 3 people worth of anecdotal evidence is just a possible explanation, but whatever it is is probably out of your league. Thats not your fault, but you should talk to her and ask her if she would like to (let it be her choice) but just let her know that sometimes people have things that they need outside help for.
Be supportive and encouraging, but be firm in the opinion that this is something she should consider talking to a counselor, people who are taught to understand whats going on with us and help us find a way to fix it.
Thats how I've both presented it, and had it presented to me.
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14f
hi =]
well i honestly don't know what could make her afraid of guys.. but maybe its not something that happened to her.. maybe its something that happened to someone close to her? like friends, family etc.
but what i can suggest is well not a blind date per say.. but maybe one of your friends has a son.. someone who is gentle and can befriend her. you know? i have a really good friend who is a guy and i've known him for two years.. i used to be kinda afraid of him.. because i didn't really know much about him. but he has become my closest friend. almost a big brother. he is a true gentleman. polite. and sentimental. maybe your daughter needs to find a guy who isn't tough or who revolves around a cliche. like jocks, goths, and others. just like what i call a "neutral party" if you get what i mean.. someone who is different from others. and is like a little of everyone. i think to help your daughter with this.. you should find someone calm.. have him around a little at a time.. then periodically.. as a friend. a true friend. don't crowd alot of randomn guys around at once.. ease it onto her.
hi i'm sorry.. but could you let me know how things go? i'm really interested in the situation.. i mean i hope everything works out..
here's my email.. hazeleyes8694@aol.com
sorry if i'm being forward..
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this may be over the top, but maybe you should ask her if she'll like to talk to a theropist about it. maybe something actually DID happen that would have scarred her for life, but she wouldnt want to tell her mother that, no offense.
our greatest fears sometimes occur in our earliest stages of life, because they are one of the first experiences we feel. for instance, if a two year old is in the park, and for one minute the mother turns her head and the toddler gets attacked by a dog (like my mom was) she'll most likely be a cat person when shes older. :)
its not very unlikely for her to be concerned about getting hurt, with the way the world is these days.
i recommend theropy. otherwise, i dont really know what else to say. :
i hope i helped :)
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Fear exists in human beings. It comes to us very naturally and easily. It comes to us so easily that we even make up things to fear like evil aliens and demonic monsters.
It's sometimes best not to try and figure out WHY fear is happening. It doesn't really need a WHY. It just is the kind of animal we are.
The trouble with your daughter isn't just that she is afraid of guys, if she also has trouble watching the news and is frightened for her physical safety, then this goes way deeper then being scared at recess. She is irrationally fearful, and it's going to have a negative impact when she goes out into the world. Not wanting to date is one thing, but from what you are describing your daughter isn't very far from not wanting to leave the house at all, not walking alone, or refusing to go certain places because of fear. That is way more serious then not wanting to date.
Talk to her about consoling to help her get her frightening thoughts under control. She could be developing a state of mind that will prevent her from enjoying her life in the future.
Here is some quick reading on anxiety and phobias.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You might want to share some of what you learn there to help your daughter realize that what she is experiencing is totally natural, but it’s doesn’t have to be normal. She can get help and get it under control.
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