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Wedding Guest List
My fiance and I are planning our wedding for 8/29/09. The only problem - a 'girl' friend of his who he has put on the guest list that I cannot stand. They have been friends for 20 years and everytime I come in contact with her she is extremely rude to me. When we first started dating I found her through another friend on myspace (website). I requested to be her friend because I knew she was a friend of my fiance's and I figured I would introduce myself. I am friends with several of his other friends on the website. She responded to my request with 'I'm sorry, but why are you requesting to be my friend? I don't know you, I've never met you. I know you're dating my friend but I've never met you.' From that point on she has been the one and only problem in our relationship. I have invited her to a few different events, trying to get to know her, and she refuses to come, making up excuses. She calls my fiance when I'm not around and they seem to have a secret friendship. He doesn't tell me when they talk because he thinks it will start a fight. All of his other friends have always been nice to me but for some reason she doesn't know how to be. I recently contacted her via email to see if we can meet up and clear the air, for the sake of my fiance. She refuses to email me back and told my fiance that she doesn't want to meet up with me because I didn't invite her to his surprise birthday party. I'm sorry, but why would I invite her if she is so mean to me? I completely trust him, but her I do not. She has jealousy written all over her face. I refuse to invite her to the wedding because the sight of her will ruin my day. Everytime I think about her and this situation my stomach becomes upset and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't want to feel that way on our wedding day. My fiance wants her to be invited to our wedding but I know it will cause a huge problem. We tried talking about this a few times and we cannot seem to resolve it. If the situation were reversed, I would take his feelings into consideration because I would not want to ruin our special day. I feel that he is marrying ME and he picked ME. Why does he continue to put her before me? I am supposed to be the most important person in his life.
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Sometimes males have women who are their best friends and those friends are REALLY protective of the guys. I was once the 'best friend' and when i finally came out of that stage, I realised how mean I was. Maybe when she sees you guys get married and settled down she'll change. I've never felt it from the other perspective, but i can't imagine how it'd feel because i used to tread my best friend's crushes so horribly!!!
Just allow it to be, and if 4 months after the wedding comes along and she's still acting mean and cruel, approach her and ask her if she can't just be happy for you. She's probably seen his heart broken too many times to trust anyone with him.
Good luck and congrats!
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It's his wedding too.
Just because you are the most important person in his life, doesn't turn you into the ONLY person in his life. It also doesn’t make your feelings automatically more important then his own.
You have contributed, a lot, to the vicious cycle with this woman. The best, mature way to end this now is not to banish her from your wedding, but to forgive, and tell your fiance that you need his help in building a civil relationship between you and her.
You have, by your own admission here in this question, assumed the worst of her, talked nasty about her, turned her in a ‘problem’ in your relationship and allowed her friendship with your fiance to be driven into secrecy. You are just as guilty as she is, and your fiance is, for those things. You are just as much to blame as they are. Accept that and then realize that one of you is going to have to grow up, and be the respectful, forgiving adult, and since you are the one asking this question, I'm going to tell you to do it!
It is obviously important to him that she is there, so sit him down and tell him that you BOTH need to work at this friendship with her so it’s acceptable to you both, and promise him to truly commit yourself to making peace with her. Then ask HIM to invite her out, with the both of you. YOU should not be writing her letters or inviting her out: That smacks of confrontation and bitchiness. Let him be the peacemaker between the two of you, it’s a role he should have taken on long ago, instead of allowing this friendship to be pushed underground. Make it simple for him. Tell him you want to forgive and make peace, and that you need him to stand with you for that, and help to fix this problem.
Then be NICE. Truly nice. Learn how to be in a room with her. Learn how to be nice to her. You don’t need to like her, but you do need to be civil and comfortable in a space with her. Anything less then that, is a slap in the face to your fiance.
If you truly trust and respect your fiance, you should trust and respect his judgment in calling her a friend. If you can have no other feeling for her other then “I hate her guts! But the man I love cares for her so she can’t be all bad.” then you are in a good and healthy place.
If you put your foot down now and refuse to have her at your wedding, and you’ll simply be continuing the negative and childish games you’ve already been playing and you WILL destroy you relationship. Not because she is ‘the problem’ in your relationship, but because YOU turned her into one, instead of loving and trusting your partner enough to make his own decisions and to have him take the reigns and mend the bridges between two important people in his life.
He’ll feel your don’t trust, respect or value him, and he’ll have a really valid point.
If she is totally unwilling to come and met you and be civil even when he asks her too, because he has been told by you that you are opening and forgiving, then you can turn to him and fairly and justly say “Look, I tried. She isn’t interested in celebrating or acknowledging us a couple, so I’d rather she not be at the wedding.” but until you honestly and sincerely forgive yourself, and devote yourself to your fiance and to making peace between all three of you, then you are just behaving as nasty as she is.
Besides, do you really want to marry a man who will put you first, even when he thinks you are dead wrong? I wouldn't want to marry a guy who was that much of a pushover...
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I feel your pain because I am currently in a simular situation as you.
As you say in your column it seems he may be exsperiencing a "secret friendship" I would question him about how secret the friendship is. Talk to him and get him to come out of the box. If this girl is jealous I do not blame you for not wanting her at the wedding as it could be very well that she will try and cause problems on your day. I would try talking to your fiance and let him know how you feel and how it's currently effecting you and your worries about the wedding. I know you probably do not want to distroy there friendship but on the other hand you with the situation was solved. I'm not sure how far it's gone but talk to him and be upfront about it. I'm not saying to tell him to pick between the two of you but if that is what it might lead too then be strong about it. Yes, You are right he did pick you and YOU should be his number one. You also have the say of who comes and doesn't go to your wedding.
Try talking to him like I said, Get him to come out of his box.
Good Luck
xxx
BahaiMa22
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