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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
18/f
Ok. SO. Currently I work at GameStop. I've been employed there for about 3 months now, and they have yet to give me more than ONE day a week. Now..being a senior in high school with no car and plans to attend college next year, I need more money than ONE day a week. So I applied at Home Depot. I got an interview tomorrow. Seeing as Home Depot pays $12.00 starting rate, I think it's a great opportunity. Now GameStop has recently started to give me more hours. Now that I got the interview at Home Depot, I feel that I'm basically going behind GameStops back. It's not that I want to quit GameStop, I want both jobs. But say I do get the Home Depot job..How do I explain to my GameStop boss that I have a second job but still want to keep this one? I'm feeling the extreme pressure on how to pay for future bills that include college, insurance, and possibly an apartment. I just want to be financially stable when I graduate high school. I'm basically writing this because I just need some one to talk to that's been through the same thing, or is currently in my situation. I don't know why I'm SO nervous about being in debt. I guess my whole question in this entire paragraph is, How do I explain to my GameStop boss that I still want to work there but I got an interview to work some where else? I want both jobs.
Thanks guys,
-One confused high school senior. =/
The Answer
You are not required in any way to talk to GameSpot before your interview at Home Depot.
So, go to your Home Depot interview and be positive, upbeat and your own wonderful self. Let them know you have another part-time job and be honest about how much time you are there, and how much time you are available to them. Be sales-pitchy and upbeat about it, but honest.
IF you get a job at Home Depot book a time to talk to your GameSpot manger and say ‘Look, I love you guys but I need more hours then I’m getting right now with you. I’ve got this job offer at Home Depot and I’d like to take it, unless you think there are more hours (and give them a number of hours you’d like to working in a week) for me. “ If your GameSpot manager says those number of hours AREN’T available to you, that’s fine, ask him if there are certain shifts or days he’d like you to keep open for him. For example, if you know you almost always booked for the Sunday shift at GameSpot, make sure Home Depot knows you aren’t available on Sundays.
If GameSpot or HomeDepot can give you all the hours you want in a week, then you might want to quit the place that can’t give you what you need.
I know it’s scary and stressful the first time you need to handle a situation like this, but they actually come up in the working world all the time. If someone at GameSpot gives you a really hard time about this, hold your head high and know they are just being an asshole. You have every right to chase the hours and income you need and enter into an agreement with an employer who will give you what you need, so don’t feel guilty.
The best thing you can do is be honest, and give your current employer a chance to provide you with what you need, either in number of hours, or in rate of pay.
Finally, a note about money: If you are a sensible, hard working and don’t buy lots of stupid shit, money will always be there. There won’t ever be quite as much as you’d like, but just stay sensible, and you won’t starve. So please, stop panicking about the transition into adulthood. It actually all comes on you rather slowly and steadily and you can grow and respond as the issues arise (like this one!). Being afraid of debt is a good thing: It should generally be avoided. Going into debt to spend spring break in Mexico or to buy a Wii is STUPID, but going into debt for your education, or a car, or a home is not the least bit stupid, and it’s damn near physically impossible for the majority of people not to carry some sort of debt when they are looking at those sorts of investments.
So chill. It’s not all coming down on you all at once. You’ll handle this fun little grown-up problem, and then the next one. You are doing just fine.
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The Question
I've been dating my boyfriend for 11 months now and I'm not sure where it's headed. I'm 32, he's almost 35. I'm a divorced single mom of two kids, he's never been married and doesn't have kids. We both have our own place and are both very independent people. During the week, he usually comes to my house for dinner and stays for an hour or 2. Friday and Saturday nights my kids and I are at his house. And we usually spend the night on Saturdays. He has a three bedroom house and has practically given my kids a room for when they're over there.
We spend 90% of our free time together and rarely ever fight. We are really great together, but I'm beginning to think it's because we never talk about stuff. He's admitted that he's afraid of committment and he rarely talks about his past. Neither one of us has said "I love you" to each other yet. Although, he did tell me the only things he loves in his life are his dogs and his Jeep. Everytime I try to talk about how I feel about him, he completely changes the subject. Every single time! He never wants to talk about it. The time we spend together is mostly spent watching a movie or a show on tv. So I only have a few chances to talk to him.
I don't want everything to go fast. But I don't understand why he doesn't even want to talk to me about us. He complains about not having any money and that I don't go to his house enough. But when I mention moving in together, he says it would be a long time from now. I don't know what to do. I want to get married again, not now, but eventually, but if he can't even committ to the "L" word after 11 months, it'll be another year or two before we'll be living together. I would just like to have confidence that our relationship will progress. Right now, I'm not confident at all. Instead, I'm getting a little irritated. This man is the man for me...in alot of ways, and I could see us together for a long time, but each day that goes by, I get more and more angry at him. I am in love with him, and I don't want to fall out of love with him. Help!!
The Answer
It's been almost a year darling, you missed the timeline for 'too fast' a long, long time ago. You are now firmly in the 'slump' territory.
You need to talk, and more important than sharing your needs at this point is asking him very directly what HIS are: Does he have an interest in living together? Does he have any interest in getting married again? What role does he see a romantic love having in his life?
Women often get caught in the trap of 'sharing our feelings' and a man will just plod along, letting us do the emotional work for the whole couple. Of course it’s important for you to share your feelings, but really, he probably knows, or thinks he knows, by this point what it is you want. So put him in the hot seat and ask him very pointedly about his goals for his romantic life in general and your relationship specifically, and listen very carefully to his answers.
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The Question
Question: Since the world is round and Alaska and Russia are so close, why do planes need to go through Europe to get to Russia from North America?
And yes, i've researched how long it takes..and where the connecting flights are so my information is correct.
I'm sure there isn't anything wrong with flying from east to west...so why don't they fly from north america straight to Russia?
The Answer
First off: Lots of planes do fly over the north pole from North America to Asia, the reason American lines very rarely land in Russia has to do with air-traffic control infrastructure and the aviation agreement between the United States and Russia. Only in 1993 did Russia even allow flights from North America headed over top of Russia land and water to land in Asia...
So, it is perfectly possible, this is just about two countries who have trouble getting along, even when it would benefit them both, and the very expensive infrastructure that three countries (Russia, USA and Canada) would need to invest in to make more transpolar flights from North America to Russia possible.
The other concern is that there are rules about how far an airplane is allowed to be from an emergency landing site, and these rules aren't the same in all countries. So there is some disagreement about how emergencies landings over the North Pole should be dealt with and what is acceptable risk.
So, there are a few reasons why your flight isn’t going over the north pole. Of course, there might also be practical reasons, like other connecting flights, or the availability of planes and crews that can do transpolar flights... Lots of reasons might exist.
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The Question
25/f
I would like to start by stating that I have been in the work force for 10 years and have always been promoted, never fired, and only called in sick once in those ten years. (mentioning this so no one thinks I am lazy.) I am 4 months pregnant with my second child. I work a heavy labor job (3rd shift) and lately I feel like I cannot go another day. I want so badly to spend the next few months with my two year old and be at home getting the house ready for the new baby. My co-workers stress me out, I am burnt out on the work, and I am always tired because I only get 5 hours of sleep a night, sometimes less. with my son, I went on pregnancy disability at 7 months. I will probably have to stick with it until then this time too... but i really want to quit. I know it is stupid because the economy is horrid right now, and my boyfriend is just getting his new business going and I am the main breadwinner of the family. My question is:should I stick with is because of the money, or is my happiness worth being fairly broke?
The Answer
Be careful not to set up a false choice between money and happiness. That oversimplifies your problem, and really, you would be best off looking for a compromise between broke and miserable first. Quitting outright is a simple and quick solution, but after calm and serious thought you might discover that the best solution for your fledgling family is more complex.
Happiness is certainly worth being 'fairly broke', but before you do anything you really need to sit down and look at the numbers very, very carefully with your boyfriend so you both come to the decision and understanding of what 'fairly broke' means (and to make sure that 'fairly broke' doesn't turn into 'too-broke-to-afford-diapers'.)
Since you are such a strong employee, you might also talk to your employer about any concessions they might make to make your life easier. It doesn't hurt to let them know that you are struggling, and ask if there are any schedule changes or things they can think of (or things you can recommend) that would make this time more manageable for you. Even if there is nothing they can do, I’m sure with your history with them they would be willing to talk with you about possible strategies.
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The Question
I have a beautiful, sweet girlfriend and I am very happy with her in every way. She is a black belt in a martial art though. We are both in our early 20's. To make a long story short the other week a friend of mine asked if she could show him some self defense techniques. She said okay and asked him to try to grab her. He did and next thing she had put him on the ground.
My girlfriend is as feminine and nice as any girl, and my friend is about my size and I am 181 cm weighing 81 kgs – and I work out several times a week and I’m a strong guy. My girlfriend is 166 cm and weighs about 55 kg. I realize now that I was naive, underestimated her and that I had some subconscious macho attitude – but fact is I never would have thought that my girlfriend could take a guy down like that, even though I of course knew she was a black belt. I was completely shocked that she could take down my friend like that. Then I got to try grabbing her, but somehow within a second she had put me on my back. I just couldn't believe it. Then for a couple of minutes we took turns in trying to grab her and we did our best to wrestle her down, but it was simply impossible. She put us on the ground again and again as if we weighed nothing!
I think it’s so cool and good that she can defend herself like that. BUT: this was also the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me – by far. I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. Her martial art was basically created so that a smaller person would be able to beat a bigger and stronger one. I understand that now and I admire her skills, but I still can’t help feeling embarrassed. I'm so much bigger and stronger than her - and she's a girl!
How do I get over this? Considering that she is a black belt maybe I shouldn't even be embarrassed - but I am...
The Answer
There is no trick to it: You just do it.
Obviously don’t fight her again.
It's okay to be embarrassed. We all have feelings that are irrational and pointless. That's fine. The important thing is not to let those feelings rule over us, or lead us to behave badly. You already know that your feelings aren’t justifiable, so there is really nothing left to do but remind yourself of that when the crop up. Eventually, if you don’t feed the monster, it will go away.
It’s not going to do you any good to dwell on it. It probably wont even do you any good to ‘talk it out’ with her. This isn’t her problem at all. She can’t do anything about the way you feel and it would be wrong of you to allow this particular embarrassment to become her problem or something she needs to protect you from. There are lots of women out there who will pretend to be weak for the sake of their guy’s ego; You should be very grateful to be with someone who doesn’t bullshit you like that. A woman who doesn’t play games like that is a treat.
But frankly babe, you have more then a little bit of a 'subconscious macho attitude' when you says things like 'and she's a girl!'. That isn't subconscious. That is right out there front and centre. You might want to work on that.
Take this as the growing experience it is. File it under ‘Things that I feel uncomfortable with, but are I know are cool’ and get back to the business of being her partner.
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The Question
teachers always think theyre smarter in every way than all the students. the past 3 days 3 different teachers have said something smart ass about me and my boyfriend.
I was cracking his back (and a teacher came up to us and told us to stop smooching, we did nothing , and she physically made us seperate and go to class early)
I was putting my backpack away (once i was done i hugged him and a teacher told me that school was a public place)
These are just some examples. every time a teacher says something like this to me i just want to punch them in the face.
what should i do?
what should i say back?
And its not like were having sex in the hallway, we hug, and occasionally peck on the lips. this is very common for couples at my school
The Answer
You should shrug it off, and move on.
They are adults, your supervisors and your teachers. They are going to be jerks sometimes, some will even be assholes and there is really nothing you can do about that unless they are breaking some sort of rule or behaving inappropriately.
And nothing you've described is crossing that line. It’s just annoying to you. At most, maybe a bit rude.
You need to be mature enough to handle that annoyance.
You are going to have co-workers and bosses that are rude to you, maybe rude professors as well. They exist in this world, and we have to deal with them. NOT by wanting to hit them, or by making nasty comments, but by being measured and respectful in our responses.
And rude people can still be right.
And your teachers are right. Not because they think they are smarter, but because they have a job to do. A school isn't just a 'public place', it's also a workplace. It's your workplace, and it’s their workplace. Having zero tolerance for behavior that could quickly get out of hand isn't evil, it's just annoying. ALSO if that many teachers are getting on your case that often, you can bet their employer, the person who pays them the money they use to buy food, is telling them to be very diligent in enforcing those rules.
Show maturity and respect for the job they are required too do and do well, and shrug their comments off. Go ahead and keep up the PDAs if you want, just understand that if you do, or even if they think you are doing so, you'll get told to stop... No big deal.
If a particular teacher openly insults you, or starts hunting you, then you have a valid complaint to bring up with the school, but if you just annoyed because you are being constantly told not to something, you have only two options to deal with your feelings: either stop being so sensitive and stop allowing yourself to be upset about comments that are both expected and outside of your control OR stop the behavior that elicit the comments you find annoying.
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The Question
ok so like i have this boyfriend and whenever we're making out and kinda leads my hands to his waist. which is kinda feminine and he makes it kinda obvious that he wants me to grab his ass sometimes and i'm just wondering, whats up with that? like why does he like that? and should i make it a point to grab his ass like more? just like casually? Or would that be weird for a girl to do....
The Answer
If you like him, and like to please him, and have no moral problem or personal discomfort with something he obviously enjoys, why wouldn't you grab his ass more?
Do you like your ass grabbed? Or your ears nibbled? Or your back scratched?
Do you have a good reason for liking any of these things?
Probably not. People just have sensations that they personally like!
I like painting my hands with acrylic paint…
Between two people, who are confident and comfortable with one another, it doesn’t really matter what is a ‘girl thing’ or a ‘guy thing’, all that matters is what you like and what you are comfortable with. Just keep it between the two of you and no one else’s opinion is all that important.
And don't worry so much. Pretty much EVERYTHING is normal sexual behavior except for fucking farm animals, children and dead people. I promise you that you will meet, if you haven’t already, guys who are into far weirder things then having their ass grabbed.
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The Question
okay so i knew my bf did a little weed, but i really didnt think he did alot right. So at a movie he took me to, he was like what do you think of drugs? and i was like noo and hes like do you do them? i said no and hes like do you want to? and i was like no and hes like why? and i was like because i dont want to ! and hes like oh
so you know how today is 420 . national pot day right .. well my was talking to his friend in art and i am right beside them and so the friends like are you doing any pot today ? and my bf's like yea some tonight with a bunch of people you ? and his friend was like hell yea.. and i tried to make it look like i wasnt listening but i totaly was . and every lunch he goes to his other friends house and im pretty sure he does it there too
and i really dont want a bf thats a pot head. like if i text him one night i dont wanna wonder if he is high and he will remember what were talking about .. and i really dont wanna worry about him over dosing.. sso i really have no idea what to do! please help!
thanks love boys
The Answer
If you don't want to date someone who smokes pot, dump him.
Or you know, talk to him about.
Honestly though, if your boyfriend is smoking weed everyday at lunch, he's probably not going to stop it. If he really likes you, he might start lying about it, because deep down he knows that it's really up to him what he puts in his body but is unlikely to have the confidence to tell you so straight up.
Also: Iht might help you to know that it is damn near impossible to overdoes on pot. Pot doesn't kill many people. Being high and driving is a risky. Being high and taking other, harder drugs at the same time, is very dangerous. But pot by itself, whatever else your opinion of it may be (mines not terribly positive) isn't going to kill him.
And as far as him not remembering your conversations... well, if that hasn't been a problem yet, it's not really fair to assume the worst of him.
I'm coming full circle here and will end where I began: If you don't want to date someone who smokes pot, dump him. Not because he is going to hurt himself (he probably wont) or because he is going to be spacey on you (if he hasn't yet, why would he start?) but because it's just something that is important to you.
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The Question
16/f
So, from Sunday night to Monday I slept over at a friend's house and in school I had my make up bag and some clothes and other things stuffed into my handbag from the sleepover.
Almost at the end of break we went early to our English class, and because a friend of mine had a spare plastic bag, I started to transfer the sleepover crap to the plastic bag, I had a few things on the table and my teacher walked in. He saw my birth control pills on the table and then he looked up at me, and gave me a dirty, sarcastic look. It's a bit hard to explain, but it was negative. The thing is that my teacher is generally a really relaxed guy and he doesn't give a shit about most things, he's cool...but why would he react to birth control pills like that?
I'm not a slut, I don't have a bad reputation or anything...
Why do you think he acted like this? I'm just wondering, I'm not paranoid or anything :)
The Answer
You may or may not be being paranoid, but you are being over-sensitive.
No one here can read this man's mind any better than you can. He might not be as relaxed as you think. He might be morally against contraceptives. He might have thought it was an illegal drug in that little package. He might have been trying to express good-natured humour and tease you for a moment. He might have been making that look about your about your brand of deodorant. He might be desperately in love with you and can’t stand the thought of you with another man. He might be an alien and your little package of pills might have reminded him of the venomous insect that killed his mother.
We can play the game of imagining why he might have responded like that forever, and to the point of complete lunacy. Unless he says something to you (and he probably won’t!) forget about it. It's damn near meaningless.
Don't obsesses over things you can't change, control, and have no intention of following up on.
Unless you want to ask him about that look and what it meant, forget about it. We don’t even know the guy, so no one here can give you a better answer then any you can imagine up yourself.
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The Question
15/f
hey, im a girl. i need advice on something totally crazy but i really dont know what to do.
so like three months ago i met this kid who altar served like me and i got his number and stuff. from the first day we talked i liked him but he told me he had a girlfriend, which i was ok because i dont like when people cheat. so anyways like this month we have been talking nonstop everyday and i love it. i invited him to this big highschool dance because i thought it would be cool to hang out because that is the day of our confirmation retreat. so he said yes but hes not telling his girlfriend because this is a dance were there is major grinding and he thought she would get mad. and its not like were going to do anything wrong also hes basing his whole decision of dating me on that whole day.
so lately ive been telling my friends how he is going and that hes been telling me hes excited and stuff. they started to give me crap because he still has a girlfriend and hes not telling her about me at all which were just talking so it doesnt matter but i really think that it does. like i asked him if he would date me and he said he would but like he likes his girlfriend more which i totally get but like should i even wait for this guy.
this is probably totally confusing but i dont know what to do at all. i was thinking of uninviting him to the dance because that is causing confusion but he said hes making a decision off that day if were like compatible. thats why were spending the WHOLE day together but i just dont know what to do. if that made at all sense to you can you please help me on what to do.
PLEASE!
The Answer
Un-invite him.
Your gut feeling is bang on. Although this guy is very carefully not doing anything 'technically' wrong, you are right to feel he is behaving dishonestly. He is.
What bussiness does a guy in a relationship have deciding if you and he are COMPATIBLE? None, none at all.
Cheating is definately bad, but really, any kind of betrayal is a problem, and you are right to stick to your principals and have no part in that. Not just because it's wrong, but because it will cause you pain you don't want or need.
Tell him straight up that you think your plans have confused your friendship and that you are no longer comfortable with him coming to the dance. Don't apologize, and don't blame, but don't let him come along either.
If he can't respect you for defining what behavior you find acceptable, and refusing to play along as he misleads his partner and expirements with you, then he isn't compatible with you anyways.
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The Question
I am a 21 year old male. I've been with my girlfriend for over 3 years. We love each other very much even though we had our ups and downs. My parents have hated her ever since the beginning because i come from Egyptian parents and they dont believe in having girlfriends.They have begged me many times to not be with her. Her parents love me and i'm always welcomed at their home.We've been together for 3 years and now shes pregnant. Her parents have said they will support us in any decision we make. I have yet to tell my parents because i know how they will react. They are religous people and believe in waiting to get married before having kids. I will most likely be kicked out of the house. My girlfriends decision is to keep the baby and i am disagreeing because we both are financially struggling with debt, and because of the situation with my parents. Now she has told me if we don't keep it she doesn't want to be with me anymore. So I'm stuck to choose between her or my family. I have no idea what to do.
The Answer
This is not a choice between her and your family.
Don't call it that, and don't set it up that way in your mind. It's disrespectful to her to set her up as the enemy to your family (it sounds exactly like the position they have tried to put her in the past!) and it's a cop-out as well: You are trying to make this into something it isn’t to make the choice easier. Stop that.
The choice is yours, all yours. Your family may be a factor, but it's not a 'her or them' thing.
IT IS ALL ON YOU.
YOU dated her. YOU fucked her. YOU took this risk. YOU disagree with her choices.
That makes this about YOUR brain, YOUR thoughts, YOUR opinion and YOUR choice, not about your family’s opinions and culture.
She has made her choice it seems: She's going to keep the baby.
Legally, and from a purely pragmatic point of view, that is her choice to make. Sorry babe. It’s not really quite ‘fair’ that the woman has more say in the abortion debate then the man, but she does, and until you can host the little parasite for nine months and turn into an on-demand vending machine afterwards, she always will.
So, the choice YOU have to make is to stay with her and be a father, despite the disapproval of your family and the difficult financial situation OR to decide you don't want to have to deal with those things, and break up with her and lie to your family.
I’m not going to judge you here. If you don’t want to be a dad, and can’t face your parents, and don’t want to be with her as a parent, Good for you for acknowledging that! Do the mature thing and back out of this relationship NOW, before either of you get too invested in the illusion of a happy little family.
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The Question
ok i need some big help...its long...sorry...it all stated tue, when my boyfriend asked me to ask my mom if i can go with him to orlando for the week end...(now i just turned 18 but sinc still in high school and live in her house her rules) my parents are really striced they berly let me come home untill 11 so i didnt ahve any hopes of a yes besides my mother always says no of everything i really have to cry and beg for a yes... so when i ased her the next morning she said that he had to talk with his sisters...so they wouldnet let us sleep together (she doent know we're alreaddy haveing sex) i told her of course they werent that they had already told me i coulnt!(i lied) so she said ok! i was like is that a yes and she said yes! she was droping me off to school and i almost had a hart attack cause she said yes!! she never says yes! BUT that i had to talk to my dad.... i still didnt have any hopes but it was so nice to hear a yes form her! i felt so trusted by her....any ways that night i asked my dad and at first he was joking and playing saying no but when i mention that she had alreaddy said yes...she went NUTS and denied ever saying yes to me!!! i knew i wasnt going to go but why did she have to deny saying yes! I was so angry with her not because i didnt getto go but because i thought she trusted me enough to say yes! but i guess she didnt the next morning i was so angry with her for denying that she had said yes that i let my sister ride shot gun. After we droped them off she asked me why i had sat in the back and i told her that it was because i didnt want to deal with her. she said that she need to talk to me and if i was gonna lissin i said do i have a choose your gonna talk regarless. THan thats when she asked me if i wasnt ashamed of my slef sleeping with a man who doesnt love me... i was like what are you talking about.... thats when she satred saying that i was haveing sex with my boyfriend... and that i was a hore because after i brake up with him i was gonna got a new boyfriend i was going to sleep with him too and taht i was going to be a dirty whore...i asked her who had told her that because me had my boyfriend for 1year and my very first boyfriend at that have just resantly stared having sex he was my first and NOBODY KNOWS just because we didnt want it to get to my mother! so i knew nobody had told her... she told me not to wory about who told her and taht she didnt care if it was true or not that she wasnt going to believe me anyway... and that she wasnt going to take me to the docter to put me on brith control cause that was emberasing for her...that i wasnt aloud to go out with him anymore that if he wanted to see me he had to come over but only out side! The thing that im most angry about is that before she always wanted to be my friend! wanting me to tell her my things that she was going to give me advice and that she WAS going to put me on bith control! IM SO Angry at her!!! she made me feel like a whore and my boyfriend is upset because he thinks my mom just wants us to brake up after all me n him been thur we were planing on moving in together next year after one year out of high school! now i want to leave as soon as schools out! what should i do!
The Answer
Accept it, and ignore her.
In my opinion, no parent EVER has a reason to call their child nasty names. It's simply not acceptable behaviour from an adult, especially directed at their own child. Name-calling is the death of respect and compassion between two people. A parent should be held to a higher standard.
So take a deep breath, steel yourself against her bitterness and cruelty, and maintain your moral high ground by accepting you can't control what she thinks or says and accepting any punishment she doles out when you break her rules.
Now I'm going to do something I very, VERY, rarely do: I'm going to advise you to break any new ‘rules’ your mother tries to enforce as a response to what she believes about your sexual behaviour.
If you are going to do this, it’s important you do it respectfully and calmly. Don’t break any new rule ‘just cause’, break them only when they get in the way of you continuing on as you did before she got it into her head that you were having sex.
Rules that pre-date her discovery still stand: If you’ve always had an early curfew, continue to respect that. But if she suddenly decides you MUST go to the doctor with her, put your foot down and do not go. If she declares you can no longer be alone with your boyfriend in HIS home, remind her that although she can declare such rules about HER home, she has no business making rules about HIS and unless HIS parents agree.
If she restricts your time with your boyfriend, shake your head and calmly remind her that you are a young adult and perfectly free to choose who you spend your time with. Thank her for expressing her opinions about your friends and boyfriend, but calmly refuse to accept her opinions as rules governing your behaviour.
Any new ‘rules’ that stem from her belief about your sexual activity should be tossed out the window, gently, for two reasons: One, if you accept any new rules, you are validating her belief that you are sexually active, and more importantly, you are validating her belief that there is something WRONG with being sexually active. Accepting those new rules also validates her completely misguided idea that she can control what you do or do in a romantic relationship outside of her home.
It’s a GOOD thing to have a parent who is willing to fight for their values and who wants to defend you from yourself. Every time things start to get heated between you, every time you express your intention to break a rule (and you should always SAY when you are going to ignore a rule, sneaking around and doing it is not respectful and you lose your moral high ground if you are deceitful) a very good way to deal is to take a deep breath and THANK your mother for caring so much.
It is good that she cares that much. It’s GREAT! It might serve you well as you move on in life having a mom who is willing to stand up and fight for you and for what she believes is best. She does deserve a round of applause for that, so always give it her liberally and lovingly. Praise her openly for her values and for her ability to share them, but if you disagree with what the rules or the opinions she is expressing based on that caring, stand up for yourself against that. Remember you that it is okay to disagree, and within reason, to disobey.
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The Question
First things first, I would like no comments on my age, and no comments regarding whether or not I am ready to conceive because only I know whether I am, and I haven't come here to ask about my age.
Sorry if that sounds rude.
Basically, I have been trying to conceive with my partner for quite some time now.
A few facts regarding me and my health status:
Age - 19
Health - Perfect, never really suffer with sickness or colds etc
Menstrual Cycle - Perfect, always on time, medium flow for 5-7 days.
I cannot understand why I am unable to currently conceive, I do understand from various research that focusing on conceiving whilst having intercourse can affect the chances by quite a high amount, however although sometimes I do find I concentrate on that a little too much, most of the time I completely forget because I'm having to good an orgasm!
My partner is 22, and he also has very good health and is generally a very healthy person.
We have intercourse fairly often, sometimes we get so frustrated with not being able to conceive that we give up for a week or so, but we do normally try to ''baby dance'' on a regular basis, we don't do it every night, as I understand this can decrease fertility, and we don't normally skip loads of days, or ''save up sperm'' because that also decreases fertility.
What do you think the chances are that my partner or I cannot conceive? (Considering we are very healthy, and not exactly old).
The main question is, does anybody have any advice that may help us conceive? Thank you for taking the time to read.
The Answer
We are not doctors.
If you are young, and healthy, and have done your internet research to the best of your ability you are beyond needing 'advice', you are ready for medical guidance.
Anything else is just wives tales and superstition. If you are seriously concerned about this issue, take it to a professional.
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The Question
i met this guy named chris at a kick-back. and he thought i was 18.. so like he started talking to me and stuff.. ad we ended up kissing.. but not having sex because im a virgin and i wasn't going to give it up to him. so when he found out i was 16 he was like tripping lol. cause he's a marine and hes going to be a cop in 2 years and what happened is illegal you know. i've been seeing him every saturday for 3 saturdays straight. cause we hang around with the same people.. the second time we hung out he talked to me but like it was whatever.. his friend told me that he liked me but that i was young.. i see older guys dating underage girls all the time.. but yeah and i saw him this past saturday cause we had a bonfire at the beach and it was cold so he hugged me and when we were saying bye he slightly touched my butt.. he didnt really grab it or anything though. but we do text a lot.. but i really want to be his girl-friend.. how do i pull that off?
The Answer
Sounds to me like you don't.
The guy is a marine, and would like a job in law-enforcement. It could easily be career suicide for him to fool around with you. Your pursuing him could seriously muck up his life. It would be a very selfish thing to do.
And, if he is half-way intelligent, he won’t date you. Depending on your state and your parents, he could get in deep, deep shit.
Sounds to me like he knows that, which means you aren’t worth the risk. So if you want an older guy to date, you'll have to find a stupider one, or at least one who is willing to take that risk.
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The Question
Okay well my dad's pretty old and so gardening is like a big part of his life. Well this morning, he bought like a ton of soil for the garden/flowers and stuff and the huge pile was in front of our house and, well, I thought it was okay in my opinion for him to leave it there because he came around every often or so to scoops some in the wheel barrow and go back to the back yard and that people would be respectful these days but I was wrong.
What's WITH the kids these days? They're rude, gangly, disrespectful kids that cuss almost bad as a sailor and you'd think that they learn to respects other people’s stuff, but they DON'T!
My dad came inside and told me to get a band aid and there's this cut he got on his hand from a tool and he was ranting on about "those frocking kids" of how they took some and he chased them down the street and they threw it at other people’s house! They're like 12 and I'm 16 and I'm just so mad because it isn't that hard (unless they have a fetish with soil or something) because I respected other people's property when I was a kid and didn't even bother walking on their grass.
Like, I don't even know what to do. I get depressed easily and this just put me in a bad mood. What are parents even doing for kids these days?
I was just wondering on if you have any ideas that will make me feel better and any better ways to protect the yard the next time my dad works on it or to prevent any damage on our property from meddling kids? Oh because we have flowers in the front of the house and my dad fixed all the soil with it too so now the front has just empty rectangle pieces of fresh soil for flowers to grow and I don’t want the kids to jump on it, hork on it, etc (what am i saying? even kids are good! I mean BOYS).
thank you for reading this.
The Answer
First off: Don't work yourself into a fit about things that haven't even happened yet.
That isn't helpful to anyone, and sitting around and imagining all the terrible things they MIGHT do is a very good way to depress yourself and cause your family needless concern. Deal with what HAS actually happened, and address what you and your father can do about it calmly.
You can't change who these kids are.
You can't stop them from being disrespectful.
All you can do is make it harder for them and make it less fun for them.
Make it harder for them by offering to help your Dad. It is very different for a twelve year old to pick on YOU, a sixteen year old, then it is for them to pick on an adult man. If they are really brazen little brats your presence won’t stop them, but it is likely to be a deterrent. Most kids have an idea that adults can't really do anything to them, where other teenagers are wild cards who may kick their asses.
Even if you have no intention of ever laying a hand on them, with a twelve-year-old boys or younger, playing the cool older teen will still get you some mileage.
That, and it would nice and pleasant of you to help you Dad out in the yard!
Make it less fun for them (NOT by chasing them and yelling at them! Lord, that is HUGE fun for them!) but by writing their parents about what you witnessed.
NEVER write a child’s parent about what you ‘suspect’ a child did. ALWAYS write about what you saw. If you or your father saw these children take the dirt and throw it at other people’s homes, then this is a good opportunity to let the parents know what you witnessed.
AND JUST WHAT YOU WITNESSED. Don’t editorialize or say ‘It was really disrespectful!’ Adults can figure that part out on their own. Simply let the parents know what you saw, without additional comments. Even if they don’t do much to their kids, it will probably take some of the ‘fun’ out of it.
Other than that, seriously, you and your Dad could both use a bit of chill-out moment.
It’s a big pile of dirt! Like a big pile of leaves, or a large puddle, it’s going to attract the attention of children and a twelve-year-old or younger is still a CHILD. They made a bad decision, but if you chase them and curse at them, you are only playing their game with them. Don’t play the game. Throw a tarp over the dirt when you aren’t in your yard and respectfully tell the parents of any completely out of line behaviour you actually witness (like dirt-throwing at people’s homes or vandalizing your garden).
If the behaviour escalates, warn the parents and children that you’ll need to call the police, BUT DON’T sit at home and fantasize about the behaviour escalating! You’ll only upset yourself and be prone to over-reacting to the things they actually do. (And seriously, what harm is spitting in the garden? Pointless acting out like that you just need to learn to ignore. Sure, it's gross and childish, but it's not actually worth your concern.)
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The Question
So, I have a best friend, and i love him to death he is amazing. He is the only one that truely understands me and i don't know what I'd do without him, but there is one problem. He has a girlfriend, a bad girlfriend. She had cheated on him so many times before, and it makes him so upset almost to the point where he has come to me in tears. He doesn't see that she isn't worth his time because of how bad she hurts him. He just over looks it because he loves her so much. I honestly can't stand it I have tried so many times to tell him that she isn't right for him, without being mean of course. I really don't know what to do, and i always usually do know what to do and thats why this is so hard for me, because I truely do love him and i can't see him get hurt like this. Please help me.
The Answer
Truly caring for someone means respecting their ability to choose for themselves, EVEN to choose badly for themselves.
This is hard for you because you think that you can choose better for him then he can for himself, and hell, you might even be right, but until you accept life doesn't work that way, you'll never be happy.
You also risk loosing his friendship if you don’t stop pushing your perspective. He will stop listening to you in time. Your tears will seem like bullying, your opinion will begin to sound disrespectful of his choice, and your dislike of her will grow malicious and petty in his eyes.
The thing you have to do here, is the thing you least want to do: You have to back off completely.
If you have told him what you think then the only rational, respectful and friendly thing to do is to shut up, and leave the issue alone.
If you can’t remain his friend, and back out of his relationship drama, then cool the friendship.
If you can hear about his girlfriend without getting upset, end conversations that lean that way.
If you can’t control yourself, get out of situation that make you feel the need to interfer and get you worked up.
You CAN’T make him want for himself, what you want for him. You are WAY to emotionally invested to be objective (and he probably knows it). The very best thing you can do is back off completely, and allow him to do what he wants too.
Do whatever you have to do, without him, to make peace with that.
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The Question
by watching porn, are people supporting human trafficking and enslavement? like all that porn that is like, "watch them dominate their slaves," etc., is that for real? is porn related to human trafficking AT ALL?
The Answer
There are people who would agree with the implication that pornography encourages, supports and creates demands for human trafficking, but the statistics available in North America just don’t quite support that statement.
I can’t say that NO pornography features people who have been trafficked, anymore then I can say NO pornography features underage participants. Neither statement would be true. That kind of porn certainly does exist.
However, it’s extremely unlikely that that the pornography you are describing features ‘actual’ slaves. Statistically, it’s much more likely that it’s consensual role-playing between amateurs or professionals. It’s just people playing out a fantasy.
What is absolutely true is that pornography featuring people who didn’t, or can’t, consent, is illegal. No question about it, completely and entirely illegal in the United States and pretty much everywhere else.
The sad fact is that most people who are trafficked for the purpose of sex work are predominately pushed into prostitution, not pornography. (Well, actually, the VAST majority of people trafficked into the States are forced to do hard labour or domestic work, but the ones that do get pushed into the sex trade, generally get pushed to prostitution.) There is more money in prostitution then porn and less evidence. Since porn is also legal in the US, law-abiding porn producers have no reason to take a very large risk resorting to illegal means and getting shut down by the federal government. They make money hand over fist without resorting to illegal behavior. The possible gain from using actual ‘slaves’ would generally not be worth the risk.
People who believe that ‘all porn is bad porn’ would probably hold to the idea that ALL pornography supports the IDEA of human trafficking, because it objectifies people and manufactures a ‘demand’ for sex slaves. That is the same argument people use when they say we shouldn’t have movies or games with guns in them, because that encourages people to go out and shoot each other… Depending on your views on freedom of speech and conservative values, you might agree with those statements.
Basically, what I’m saying is there isn't the kind objective evidence that pornography has links to human trafficking that you seem to be asking about. (I’m talking adult pornography here; child pornography is a whole different case and absolutely DOES have links to human trafficking. Same goes for prostitution in many States.) Although it probably does happen, it’s not an epidemic, and it’s very unlikely that any porn you come across featuring domination or ‘sex slaves’ was made with non-consenting participants.
Human trafficking IS a huge problem, and disgustingly and completely wrong, no matter what kind of work the person is being forced into. However, the people who try to tell you there is a definite link between the pornography industry and human trafficking are generally trying to link the two in order to demonize ALL pornography, not just out of concern for trafficked human beings.
There are probably some horrible, very painful stories out there about people forced into pornography, but there are millions more about people being forced to work 14 hours a day with nearly no pay in a foreign country with no friends, no skills and no rights.
If you are concerned about human trafficking, join a lobby group, get informed, donate to charities that help these poor people and become politically active.
If you are concerned about pornography, also get informed, and think long and hard about whether you object to pornography even when it’s a consensual activity, or if you want to see the laws we already have to protect people from being trafficked and enslaved enforced, regardless of the industry they are pushed into.
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The Question
so i'm 18 years old, female.
i will say, i love my parents to death. we have a pretty good relationship together and yeah they get annoying sometimes but they're always there for me. they care about me. the only problem is that i'm 18 and still have a curfew of 12:30!! even since i started driving at 16 my curfew has been that. now it's my dad who i have to try and persuade to try and let me stay out as long as i want. i've tried asking him if i didnt have to have a curfew and guess what he said? well if you want to pay rent, you dont have to have a curfew but as long as your under my roof, what i say goes. he also said he is worried about drunk drivers being out late at night, but whatever. it's not like ive ever done anything for them not to trust me, im honestly a really good kid. i get good grades, i have a job, i dont get into trouble. all my friends dont have curfews, i am 18, dont you think its silly too? how can i talk my dad into at least letting me stay out later?!
The Answer
I don't think it's silly. I think your parents are exactly right.
Pay rent, and you are a tenant, you can come and go as please.
Don't pay rent, then you are thier child living at home, and you are subject to thier rules.
I'm 24 now, and when I go home my parents have some dumb ass rules I have to abide by while I'm in thier home. I'm not allowed to have thier car out later then midnight, I'm not allowed to be behind a closed door with a boy... and on and on.
Thier house. Thier rules.
Your dad has already told you this isn't about how much he trusts you, this is just about what he comfortable with living with.
I imagine your best bet, if you dad doesn't want you driving early in the morning, is to arrange to stay the night OR don't drive at all, and pay for cabs. Offer those compromises to him, but in the end, this might just be a household rule that isn't going to change.
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The Question
I'm 21f, my boyfriend is 23.
So, short backstory: My boyfriend's mother (and father, but I'm more concerned about his mother at this point) HATES me. Everything I say, she takes the wrong way. She's threatened to disown him if he marries me. We've basically been together for three years. We have kind of a rocky past, but everything with us is great now, aside from the fact that I'm not allowed in his house. I've been more than a saint as far as they should be concerned.
Now, I can only assume that his mom is threatened by me and feels that she's going to lose her son and is afraid of that, but by pushing me away, she's pushing him away. I want this animosity to stop because the last thing I want is for my guy to pick me over his family, or his family over me.
I've tried talking to her, not talking to her, helping her out around the house, etc...now she won't even acknowledge my presence if I am there, so I figured a letter might be a good idea:
"[Mom's name],
Let me back up and introduce myself: My name is [name]. I'm a closet introvert, intuitive, a feeler, and a perceiver. I'm an artist in many forms - a musician, a painter, a writer, and an observer. I often watch the world around me in an attempt to learn everything I can about it. What I have learned instead is that I'm thankful for the blessings I have. I have been given a loving family and friends, an affectionate pet, and an appreciation for the little things. I'm writing to you to introduce myself, and more importantly, to thank you.
Many times since we met, you've extended a hand to help me. When I got my car, you offered to look it over before I bought it. I unfortunately put the necessary money down before I could accept your help, but it meant everything to me that you called. When I got my cat, you helped me learn how to take care of her. When I coughed, you drowned me in tea and honey until I felt better. When my wrist hurt, you lent me a brace.
The numerous things you've done for me have not gone unnoticed. I appreciate you, and I only wish I could pay you back for all the love you've shown me. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
I want to express also that I expect nothing in return for this letter. Being a writer, I'm infinitely more eloquent when it comes to written word than when it comes to speech. I simply wanted you to know that I was thankful in the most tangible form I could come up with.
I hope and pray that someday you and I can sit down to coffee and just talk, but for now, know that your efforts really meant the world to me.
Read this at your leisure, and respond if you wish.
I never told you, but you have my favorite name.
Love, [me]"
Given what's going on, I'd like some feedback. Be as brutal as you please. If you were in her situation, how would you react if you received a letter like this? Would you even read a letter from your son's girlfriend if you hated her? If I do send this, should I type it or handwrite it? If I should handwrite it, should I try to write in big bubble print, or slightly messy cursive? (I write both ways, I'm just trying to make the best impression possible.)
Thanks, everyone.
The Answer
Remove the first paragraph about yourself and the last line about liking her name. They are self-indulgent and distract from the core message. Anything you need to write a letter like this, remove ANYTHING, any word or thought that distracts from the core message, because it is those words and thoughts that the other person is most likely to latch on too and take offence too.
She might easily find fault in your opinions and your 're-introducing' of yourself could be interpreted as belittling. So leave that out. This is about thanking her, not about you or how you perceive yourself.
Frankly, I don’t think you should send this. You should be working to empower your boyfriend to deal with his family, not stepping in and dealing with them yourself. When you step up, you are justifying his mother’s anger with YOU, personally, instead of helping her and her son address their different values and their relationship. You are lending credence to her mistaken idea that YOU are the problem, rather then helping your boyfriend address the problem between him and his mother.
The simple truth with a letter like that is that if she wants to react badly, she'll find a way to do so. If you start off this communication, accept you can't control where it goes next.
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The Question
Me and my girlfriend are 20 years old. We been going out for 2 years and 10 months. But on our anniversary I found a text message in her phone from another guy which called her babe and if he could call her at 9.15. I broke up with her and I don't know what to do.
She told me that she met this guy once before we started going out, he lives in LA but I don't know what to believe, she also told me that she's never done anything. And doesn't plan to meet him. She said she doesn't talk to him all the time, but its only been about less than 1 month that he started talking to her.
I don't know what to do. I love her. But I don't know if I can forgive her. What do I do?
The Answer
What did she do wrong exactly?
A guy, who she knows, texted her asking if he could talk to her at 9:15?
Do you have so little trust for her that you think any conversation she might have (with a near stranger living in LA) is going to somehow lead to cheating or misbehaving just because he calls her babe?
I hope there is more going on then what you just wrote in this question, because if this is your only reason for distrusting her, you over-reacted, big time.
If you can't forgive her for that, Set her free. Unless you have a good deal more evidence of her disloyalty then that, because if you don't, you have a lot of growing up and confidence building to do before you are ready to be in a serious relationship.
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