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Letter to my boyfriend's mom
I'm 21f, my boyfriend is 23.
So, short backstory: My boyfriend's mother (and father, but I'm more concerned about his mother at this point) HATES me. Everything I say, she takes the wrong way. She's threatened to disown him if he marries me. We've basically been together for three years. We have kind of a rocky past, but everything with us is great now, aside from the fact that I'm not allowed in his house. I've been more than a saint as far as they should be concerned.
Now, I can only assume that his mom is threatened by me and feels that she's going to lose her son and is afraid of that, but by pushing me away, she's pushing him away. I want this animosity to stop because the last thing I want is for my guy to pick me over his family, or his family over me.
I've tried talking to her, not talking to her, helping her out around the house, etc...now she won't even acknowledge my presence if I am there, so I figured a letter might be a good idea:
"[Mom's name],
Let me back up and introduce myself: My name is [name]. I'm a closet introvert, intuitive, a feeler, and a perceiver. I'm an artist in many forms - a musician, a painter, a writer, and an observer. I often watch the world around me in an attempt to learn everything I can about it. What I have learned instead is that I'm thankful for the blessings I have. I have been given a loving family and friends, an affectionate pet, and an appreciation for the little things. I'm writing to you to introduce myself, and more importantly, to thank you.
Many times since we met, you've extended a hand to help me. When I got my car, you offered to look it over before I bought it. I unfortunately put the necessary money down before I could accept your help, but it meant everything to me that you called. When I got my cat, you helped me learn how to take care of her. When I coughed, you drowned me in tea and honey until I felt better. When my wrist hurt, you lent me a brace.
The numerous things you've done for me have not gone unnoticed. I appreciate you, and I only wish I could pay you back for all the love you've shown me. You and your family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
I want to express also that I expect nothing in return for this letter. Being a writer, I'm infinitely more eloquent when it comes to written word than when it comes to speech. I simply wanted you to know that I was thankful in the most tangible form I could come up with.
I hope and pray that someday you and I can sit down to coffee and just talk, but for now, know that your efforts really meant the world to me.
Read this at your leisure, and respond if you wish.
I never told you, but you have my favorite name.
Love, [me]"
Given what's going on, I'd like some feedback. Be as brutal as you please. If you were in her situation, how would you react if you received a letter like this? Would you even read a letter from your son's girlfriend if you hated her? If I do send this, should I type it or handwrite it? If I should handwrite it, should I try to write in big bubble print, or slightly messy cursive? (I write both ways, I'm just trying to make the best impression possible.)
Thanks, everyone.
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Let me give an honest answer to you. If you are a really truthful (in all sense) person, she should be accepting you without any hesitance and without any letter (and the most important thing is that her son likes you and that is what matters more than anything else's liking). If I were in in her place (given both I and you are honest and good persons), I would have accepted you without any such leter. If both (you and boufriend's mother of you stand strongly on integrity, you should be accepting each other without any trouble. The fact is clear here. Either ( of you and your boyfriend's mother) or both of you are dishonest. Since you mentioned, at the beginning, you have beem more than a saint as far as they should be concerned, your boyfriend's mother has a problem ( If I accept you to be honest. It might also be the case she is honest (generally) but she has some other problem (apart from the fear of losing her son) that she is unable to share with you. If this is not the case, then I am sorry to say that she is not a nice person and she will always be against you despite what you do and how sincerely you do. I do not think such a letter is going to change her mind (however, do not take me in absolute sense). If there were a minor misunderstanding between you, only then it might have been helpful. As far whether you should handwrite or print it is concerned, you should write it neatly and clearly (not necessaralily with a beautiful and fascinating handwriting if at all you choose to handwright it). Hope I have been able to help you. May God, the Master of majesty and generosity, bless you in this life and the hereafter.
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Remove the first paragraph about yourself and the last line about liking her name. They are self-indulgent and distract from the core message. Anything you need to write a letter like this, remove ANYTHING, any word or thought that distracts from the core message, because it is those words and thoughts that the other person is most likely to latch on too and take offence too.
She might easily find fault in your opinions and your 're-introducing' of yourself could be interpreted as belittling. So leave that out. This is about thanking her, not about you or how you perceive yourself.
Frankly, I don’t think you should send this. You should be working to empower your boyfriend to deal with his family, not stepping in and dealing with them yourself. When you step up, you are justifying his mother’s anger with YOU, personally, instead of helping her and her son address their different values and their relationship. You are lending credence to her mistaken idea that YOU are the problem, rather then helping your boyfriend address the problem between him and his mother.
The simple truth with a letter like that is that if she wants to react badly, she'll find a way to do so. If you start off this communication, accept you can't control where it goes next.
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