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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
21/f I apologize in advance for length.
A little background:
I've been suffering from clinical depression since I was 16. I had never been sure of why I was so depressed until a couple years ago, realizing it was my incredibly low self-esteem and self-worth issues. I have a self-harm problem and I've tried committing suicide 4 times, ending up in the hospital 3 of those times due to overdose. Therapy and anti-depressant/anxiety meds have helped me.
One of the major side-effects of my depression is my irritability. My annoyances and anger, though I do very well in containing them, have been extreme since my depression surfaced (I tend to think it was being a teenager AND being depressed).
My mom is very passive-aggressive, and always hides her stress and negative emotions, however will lash out in weird ways, like ignoring me, snubbing me or giving me one-word answers. She picks up on my irritability and automatically assumes it's a jab at her, so she responds with ignoring me (which obviously stresses me more). We've sat down and talked about it at least 6 times, I've apologized and told her it's not about her, but it has yet to click.
My last attempt on my life was this April. A few weeks after, I moved in with my newlywed older sister because nearby there was a summer temp job I accepted. My sister commonly reported to my mom (I talked with my mom regularly, so there was no need for her to nose in) that I came straight home, watched Netflix and went to bed. While true, I was proud of myself for finally doing what I wanted (resting physically and emotionally) instead of only doing things for others, like hanging out with them, and exhausting myself, which would worsen my condition, stress me out, and make me irritable, starting the pattern again.
2 months of living with them, my temp job was ending in a week in a half. I came home, and my step-dad and sister's husband were waiting for me. They informed me that after my temp job, I was no longer welcome to live back at my mom's house. Therefore, would need to find a job, place to stay, place for my dog to stay, insurance, title and plates on car, etc, and my source of income was ending 1 and 1/2 weeks. They left me home alone the rest of the weekend with that news. My boyfriend was worried and called them for help since he was far away and my mom replied "There's nothing we can do."
Luckily my dad has taken me in while I find a job and save for a place, but he lives in a small trailer (his construction project for now), and there's no room for my Husky, so he's still at my sisters.
From what I've heard, it seemed to my sister and her husband that I was not improving. They have not discussed that notion with me, but reported it to my mom. My mom now is growing stomach ulcers. Unfortunately, with the way she handles stress (she doesn't...), I saw this coming. She didn't want her health to suffer more so they didn't want me back. They thought I should be improving since they found out about my condition 1 year and a half ago (it's been going on FAR longer). They also don't want to "enable" my depression...
It just screwed up my finally-budding confidence to have my life flipped upside-down like this. I know they don't hate me, but my depressed side is hard to convince. It's not my fault that I have this stupid condition. I would wish it away in a heartbeat. But it's also not my fault that her health has suffered. My sister got married and mom was almost in charge of the whole thing, and now my sister's pregnant (good news, still a lot of planning, etc.) My younger brother has no interest in college, drinks underage against her wishes, causes a lot of trouble. He moved out of state with this girlfriend we all hated, she cheated months after, now he's back home. My mom's job is also a insurance claims manager. Basically all this to say I am NOT her only stress, however I do understand it's a rather large chunk. But... That months earlier in the hospital she was saying that she wanted me to understand how special I was, and then to turn around and basically say she can't handle me any more? It crushed me after I was finally making progress with myself. Now I have to start over.
It's been two weeks since living with my dad. My dad is trying to force me to call my mom. I CAN'T. I. CAN'T. I'm in the shock/anger stage of things. Calling her would only result in anger and yelling, and would just stress her out. But my dad's playing the "dad" card and trying to make his 21 year-old do something she's not ready for (yeah, good luck buddy). I'm just so angry, and the few friends that I've told have been so understanding, but no one else in the situation seems to get why I'm so upset about this (my sister, mom, dad, etc.) I'm not tooooo sure of what I'm asking here, I guess... Can anyone shed some light on the subject? Does anyone else understand how I feel? Am I justified in not feeling ready to call my mom? Thanks for listening.
The Answer
I think you are doing a great job holding yourself together. Of course you are angry with your mom and your sister. They just made your life way more difficult in ways they should have realized would be way more difficult than it needed to be. You are also being really reasonable and respectful to recognize all the different stress and troubles they are facing - even though that can't entirely excuse their lousy behaviour towards you.
You aren't starting over. You clearly have made incredible strides in learning how to care for yourself and how to tackle your own problematic thinking! Your family fucked up and created challenges for you, but they didn't send you back to square one. Square one was lying in the hospital overwhelmed by these feelings. You're still making huge progress and you should be really proud of yourself, even if no one else is giving you the praise you deserve.
It's okay not to be ready to speak to your mom. You might try talking to your dad about whatever it is he is afraid of. Like, if he is afraid that you are never going to speak to her again, or that you'll hate her forever, you can share with him that although you are really angry and disappointed with her now, you don't plan on hating her forever. If he thinks you owe it to her to contact her for her own sake, you can remind him that she has a network of people to care for her, and that your most important job right now is taking care of yourself. You can't be giving your mother support at the risk of your own health and sanity right now. Just stand strong with your dad, but appreciate where is he coming from, at the same time as knowing you get to make the final decision about any contact you have with your mom.
Keep doing what you are doing. Lord knows things could be way easier, but you are making progress and should be proud of yourself. Just because your family is too caught up in their own shit to recognize it, doesn't mean you aren't doing really well.
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The Question
First off I am a girl who's 19 and I have always liked men but a while ago I met a new coworker who is also a female and instantly felt a connection with her and I’ve had a crush on her ever since. Were freinds on social media and it seems like she could be bisexual because she has posts of her with another girl that other people commented things like “your such a cute couple” but she also has posts with guys. I’ve liked her for about 6 months now, and she recently got a boyfriend. I’m not sure when or if either of us is going to leave the job but I just got a better one and if things go we’ll I’ll probably be leavig in a few months also, I have a feeling she might be leaving too. But I still like her and need to know if she ever liked me to move on, I wouldn’t be asking her to dump her boyfreind and go out with me, I just want to know if she ever liked me or had a crush on me. And I’m not sure how to say it because if she isn’t bisexual and is against it then I don’t want to offend her or wierd her out so how should I word it? And do you think it’s a good idea to tell her?
The Answer
No. It's not a good idea to tell her.
It's rarely a good idea to confess your feelings to someone who is in a relationship. It's a bit a disrespectful, and you put them in a really uncomfortable position where they don't want to hurt you, but they also want to be loyal to their partner. It's not a kind thing you are thinking about doing to her. Even tho of course you aren't asking her to dump him, it's still selfish.
The other reason isn't a bad idea, is because you say you want to know if she ever liked you or had a crush on you. The truth is, you need to learn to be okay in life without knowing things like that. She doesn't owe you that truth.
It's a tough lesson to learn, that sometimes you don't get the answers. Sometimes you never find out the whole story, and you aren't entitled to know the going ons of other people's minds or hearts.
You just want to tell her. You don't need too. Instead of looking to her for answers and validation, just be honest with your yourself about what you felt and take that knowledge forward. She doesn't have anything to offer you than you can't figure out on your own.
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The Question
So my question is can black girl get any disease in Portugal and if can whick and can she convey them to other people?
The Answer
I'm not sure what you are asking.
Anyone can get an illness. There are very, very, very few illness that you can catch that present differently depending on your ethnic background. All humans are the same species, so we get the same sicknesses.
Someone who is traveling should take the advice of their doctor and do their research to make sure they are prepared for the differences in the water or the sorts of risks they might face in certain parts of the world. You want to make sure you have the right vaccinations, and cures for common travellers illnesses like diarrhea or vomitting. You also want to make sure you have health insurance while you are traveling.
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The Question
I started to have a crush on my cousin but he's gay. I feel like I can talk to him about anything, that's why I like him. Is it a sin to go out with your cousin? Were not,gonna have sex just dates and stuff. Please help. I'm only 14.
The Answer
You don'y mention if you are a guy or a girl, or how old your cousin is.
If he's gay, and you are girl, then you need to respect the fact that he's gay. It's okay to have a crush - it's even normal and healthy when you are young to have crushes on people who are unattainable and where there is no risk of them sharing your feelings. It's not wrong to feel sometimes, but sometimes it's not respectful to act on a feeling.
I don't know what you faith is, so I can't speak to sin, but it's generally frowned on to date a cousin, especially one you've had a close family relationship with while you're growing up.
The best thing for you to do is to appreciate the friendship you have. You don't need to 'go and on dates and stuff' to talk to him and be good friends to one another.
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The Question
So I'm a strong Christian and I'm 15 and going to be a sophomore. I have been a Christian for years. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and he is a Christian also (17 and senior). As Christians we don't believe in marriage before sex but we have already been to third base together even though we say we won't go further. Is that too far? Inside I feel like it is but I don't know how to slow down sexual but keep up in the relationship. What should I do?
The Answer
You get to decide.
You get to decide how far is too far, and who to listen to, and which rules to follow. Honestly, you do. Lots of different people will argue about what the rules are, but until God pops down and says "Only above the clothes stuff until you get married!" no one can know for sure.
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The Question
I've been dating my older boyfriend for 4 years. He had commitment issues (took him 2 years to actually say I love you) because he was hung up on his ex-wife and wouldn't admit it. Two years ago, she died (cancer). He says he is complete and over her, yet I found a poem he wrote her recently saying how he loves her, and how he does everything in his day to make her proud, and how she's his best friend, and he can't wait till he sees her again. We had a fight about it, he said he wrote it so his girls could read it so it would help them. But he put I love you at the end.. and what was in it discredited me. Saying he did everything for her and still loves her, and nothing past tense. He still has her death card on the fridge after 2 years, her name is STILL on his taxes, water bill, and checks, and keeps a statue she wanted thats sitting in the breezeway. I've told him please remove her from his bills, please get rid of the statue IF it means nothing to him as he claims. and remove her pic off the fridge as it's been long enough and she should come down. He hasn't done anything. He hasn't made a move to really be present with me right here today. I feel like an outcast because he hasn't sat with his girls and said I'm in a committed relationship and it's important to me, and then actually made me a part of household decisions. He's a good man, we do have fun together, I know he loves me and cares about me. But is that enough? Am I overreacting to wanting him to remove HER from off the fridge and just be present to "our" life? He knows how much those things bother me and yet hasn't done anything about it..doesn't that show that he's not fully committed to me or to us? I just want to be happy but every time I go see him.. I'm reminded of HER right in my face and how much he loved her and still does.. even though I've been here 4 years! Am I wrong? Am I being too selfish and unreasonable? I don't know anymore.
The Answer
You both need counselling, together, and him alone.
You are crossing the line into 'unreasonable'. She's his dead wife, and mother of his children. She will always be present in that home. Period. She cannot be erased.
But that doesn't mean all of his behaviors are acceptable. You are both getting stuck in your ways, and you are feeling so strongly about these fights. You are both wrong, and you need an independent moderator to help him deal with his grief, and to move forward together.
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The Question
Hello,
So I met a guy at my internship that i got for the summer and we really hit it off. We have been hanging out a lot and becae really good friends. We have started having sex but nothing about our relationship status has been declared.
In a couple weeks we are both moving back home, which is about 6.5 hours away from each other. I really like him and would like to make it work so that if we were to start dating we could stay together and see each other as much as possible.
Before a couple days ago he hasn't really said much about going home but the other day he brought up how close we are to the end of summer, i asked if he was happy to be going home and he said will be sad he doesn't get to see me. Some of his friends have came up and visited them and he took me to meet them and introduced me.
I'm not really sure where his heads at and I really dont want to say anything about our situation until we leave because if the conversation goes badly I still will have to see him at work everyday until the end of summer.
So do you guys think that I should wait for him to bring it up? Do you think he'll even bring it up at all? Or should I bring it up? and if yes, what should I say to him?
Thank you in advance
Kaaitlyn31
The Answer
You should never wait for someone else to bring up something that is bothering you. That's always a bad plan.
He might not bring it up. That's a very real possibility.
You should say to him much of what you said here. The truth is, if you are having sex with this guy and there has never been a conversation about your relationship status, then it's probably going to be over when you both go home. I'm sorry to be downer about it, but that's the reality. Generally speaking, when a girl doesn't talk about the future, it means she's fantasizing about it, and when a guy doesn't, it means he doesn't think there is one.
You don't mention if you have any plans on returning next summer, or if a 6.5 hour drive or bus ride is a thing you could even consider. You don't mention any ideas you may have about how this could continue after you leave this internship.
Some relationships really do have an expiry date. That is painful, but it's no one's fault. The universe is full of physical realities that limit us, and the painful truth is, most people who come into your life wont stay forever.
You should bring it up. If you want this to continue after you both leave, you should ask for that. The way to keep this conversation from going badly, is to respect that he might not see any way for it to continue. (Honestly, I'm not even sure that you see a way). That's sad, but it's not a reason to be angry or to fight. It's just sad.
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The Question
Ok I'm from pa my girlfriend lied to me about her age she said she is 17 and November she be turning 18 but she's really only 15 and about to turn 16 in November and I'm 27 years old and we been with each it here for just about a year and and she might be pregnant now sense the baby wouldn't be hear until after her birthday would I go to jail sense she would say it was consistentual and would I be able to marry her. I just wish she would have told me but. I would like to marry her cause if it wasn't for her age and finding out I was going to marry her I know this sounds crazy but I was really going to purpose to her on what I thought was her 18th birthday. So if any body could help me with this thank you
The Answer
You should talk to a lawyer about how to keep your sorry ass out of jail.
If she was fourteen when you had sex with her, it doesn't matter if it was consensual, or if you marry her.If you live in Pennsylvania, you have basically zero legal defence right now.
You and this young girl have put you in an extremely dangerous legal situation, and asking her to marry you isn't going to fix it. In PA it's not a legal defence that she lied to you about her age if she was under 16 at the time. The law assumes, that only an idiot can't tell the difference between a 15 year old and 19 year old.
At the age of 15, she can't marry you without both a parent's permission AND a the courts permission anyways. So don't be an idiot. Speak to a lawyer about how to protect yourself legally, and pray she's not pregnant.
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The Question
I had a boyfriend, got pregnant by him, and at 6 months pregnant I found out he was cheating on me with 2 other women when he was supposedly doing other things and I trusted him. I had my son, his name and my name are on the birth certificate and I gave him a chance to change his ways. HE moved in with ME and my family. So he paid no rent, no food expenses, no utilities, nothing besides baby needs. (The basics). We split up and after that, he started working 2 jobs and gave me money every week for my sons expenses. I wasn't so aware of child support and didn't have much knowledge about it until now. He and I got into arguments and I started to feel uncomfortable with him, so I want to put him on child support, so I won't have to be responsible for collecting the money and talking to him about what he owes. My son is 10 months, he has only paid an estimated 600 dollars of child support since my son has been born. I'm nervous to do this because he says it will only cause problems and make it difficult. Will he have to pay ever since my son was born, as in owe money from the past? Will it be worse if I put him on child support? He makes an estimated 830 a month and does not pay rent because he now lives with his mother. He only pays for his personal needs and gas for his own car, and his phone bill.
The Answer
You need to file for child support.
Of course he doesn't want you to. He wants to choose what charity he offers you when he feels like it. He doesn't want to be actually responsible to you or the child. You've already seen this behaviour when he lived at your home. He doesn't want to have to do anything he doesn't have too.
You aren't required to ask for retroactive child support. You could choose to only ask for child support order moving forward. Then he wouldn't be required to pay money owing since your son was born. In fact, a lot of places don't like rewarding child support retroactively, so it's easier to simply ask for a court order for future payments.
The only thing that might be worst on a child support order, is if your ex decides to act like a complete asshole about it, but that would be his fault, not the court order's fault and not yours for asking for what is your child's legal right. You are absolutely right: With an order, it becomes his job to pay you, rather than your job to go out and beg him for some money. That's much healthier and more respectful for both of you, and it means your son will be better carried for with a regular and more reliable plan.
Go ask for an order. You and your child are not his charity case, to give whatever donations he feels like whenever he wants.
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The Question
The week after my last period, I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend and he didn't necessarily "finish" in me but just as procaution, I took the Plan B Pill in less than 24 hours.. After taking the pill I experienced spotting as if I was getting my period again but it was light flow. Now I'm almost 2 months late on my period. I took a pregnancy test (at home) when I was a week late, then another when I was two weeks late and then another a month and a half late on my period.. THEY ALL CAME OUT "NOT PREGNANT." Do you think I'm pregnant or could it be that the pill is affecting my cycle?
The Answer
It's more likely that the pill has altered your cycle, then you are pregnant.
If you are getting concerned, talk to your doctor, but I wouldn't be too worried if I were in your shoes.
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The Question
I want to apologize in advance if this writing makes it sound like I'm accusing any parents or grandparents on this site of anything. I'm very upset right now, so please excuse me if this seems a little hostile. I don't mean to be nor do I mean to cause any problems, but there's something I need to know. When people say that they love their kids and grandkids equally, how many of them actually mean it? I know that many of them do, but I feel like grandparents say it waaaaay too often and don't mean it at all? I mean, grandkids aren't the same as actual children. Is it just some meaningless platitude grandparents feel they HAVE to say? And why is everyone so convinced that it's normal and does no damage if you don't love them equally?
Let's say that there's this man who has two daughters and seven total grandchildren who he's always alleged that he loves equally, but he doesn't and it makes me wonder if ANY grandparent actually does. Even if I'm wrong about him loving them equally, then equal love doesn't seems worthless. I know that's harsh and in sorry, but like I said, I'm very upset.
His oldest daughter has a son, Lane and two daughters Avery and Collins. He ADORES them. He never shuts up about them, especially Lane and anytime somebody wants to talk about anything else, he finds a way to change the subject back to them. They can do no wrong in his eyes and when they do wrong in someone else's eyes, he defends them and berates whoever is angry with them.
When he and his wife got separated, he moved ten hours away from her and his youngest daughter to be near his oldest who'd just had Lane. He lives so far away from his youngest daughter and her kids who all still live near his wife. He rarely comes to visit and when he does, he acts disinterested in the daughter OR the kids. If the oldest daughter and her family come as well, he parades her kids around and show them off to everyone he can. Many people don't even know that the youngest has kids.
His youngest has three sons and a daughter, Aaron, David, Jude, and Alexia. They get little to no attention from him at all and it hurts them more than he'll bother to think about. It drives his youngest daughter absolutely crazy and she gets sick of people saying that it's no big deal, that she's being unreasonable, and that it's no big deal to to the kids when they aren't the ones who have to put up with his bs.
The apocalypse would not have been able to keep him from being there when Lane was born. He was there when Avery and Collins were as well, but since he lived on town then, it was a lot easier. Aaron and David are fraternal twins and he didn't bother to come when they were born because it was too far away. He got TWO grandsons at that time and would not bother to come. They were born in October and he decided to wait until thanksgiving to see them, saying he shouldn't make two trips down there so close to each other.
Jude and Avery were born just over a month apart. His youngest daughter couldn't make it to Avery's baby shower because she couldn't travel. His oldest daughter was very understanding and blamed herself for it because she didn't plan it sooner, but their dad had a conniption about it. He treated her like the GD devil for not coming to her third baby shower (she had two for Lane). When Jude was born, the rules were different. There was no baby shower, but rather a smaller party called a sprinkle. Men weren't invited, but he could have sent a gift or some diapers or something and didn't. He also wasn't wasn't there when Jude was born either. Very hurtful.
No one expected him to be there when Alexia was born and he wasn't. His wife has been at ALL of the oldest daughter's kids events including baby showers, births, christening, baptisms, and when she can, even things like ball games and school plays. It's not fair that the dad won't do the same for the youngest daughter's kids.
He broke Alexia's heart by not going to her high school graduation, not because he couldn't or didn't want to, but because he was trying to bet back at her mother for at the time. Instead of directing his anger at the mother, he aimed it at his innocent, "loved" granddaughter. He missed a once in a lifetime event and does not regret it. He blames his youngest daughter for it.
He is a big church goer. He loves church and never misses it when someone he knows speaks at church for whatever. When Jude spoke at church near Christmas time, the dad was invited to come down. The oldest daughter and her family were coming to town for Christmas already and came a little earlier so they could hear Jude speak. Granddad was asked to come by Jude an BEGGED to come by Jude's parents, but he didn't. His reasoning was that he was mad arcHive at the time for something that wasn't even his business. He claimed to love him, but called him trash in the same sentance because he went out with multiple girls at the same time. He wasn't in an exclusive relationship with any of them, so technically he wasn't doing anything wrong. But granddad says that he's never been so embarrassed by a relative in his life.
I'm just sick of people putting their kids and grandkids through this kind of bs. I'm sick of some who do this kind of thing claiming to love their kids and grandkids equally when they don't and I'm sick of people who admit to loving one more saying that it's normal and okay.
I guess I mainly just needed to vent some anger, but please, if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
The Answer
Loving someone has basically nothing to do with how you treat them.
I know that sounds weird, because we love say shit like "He wouldn't do that if he REALLY loved you." but it's nonsense. People who REALLY love each other sometimes treat each other horribly.
Love is a feeling. It's a connection and care, but it's not action. Loving as an action is totally different. Loving as an action takes respect and humility and generosity and self-awareness - things some people just don't have.
You can look at your grandfather's actions and say, well, he doesn't love them equally. Or, you could say he doesn't really love anyone at all, he just chooses to value them differently based on how they make him feel. Or, you look at him and say he probably loves them all as his grandchildren, but it just so royally fucked up in other ways, that he is incapable of treating them equally or sharing that love in respectful or reasonable ways.
You've got a lot of pain about his behaviour, and that's legit! His behaviour sucks, and is painful, but don't use it base your entire philosophy of parental love on. He's not that important. He's not doing what he is doing because of some underlying philosophy or deep truth about the nature of love, he's doing what he's doing because he's a deeply fucked up human being.
Personally, I have seven siblings and I'm lucky enough to have a pretty awesome set of parents. I know my parents love us all equally, but I also know that doesn't mean that they like us all equally every day of the week. Sometimes, we're assholes, to them, to each other, just in general. We have bad weeks, we have bad years. Some of us are easier to talk to or hang out with than others. Some of us, they have more in common with than others. They'll always love us as their kids, but they are not obligated to like us as people all the damn time. We're not the same as people. We can't be. If our parents pretend we are all the same, they aren't really paying attention to us.
It's tough. There are no great answers, but really, take your grandfather for what he is and don't try to assign his behaviours to a larger theory or understanding of the world. One selfish person can do a lot of damage, but that damage only gets worse if you fall into the trap of believing their hate is meaningful. It's not meaningful. It's not about the nature of love. It's about one asshole grandpa. Unfortunately, he's your asshole grandpa.
Those who are in pain because of his assholery, should seek counselling to help manage that pain.
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The Question
I'm done with it. It's a terrible message for people suffering from this stuff.
Reality of depression: a mental disorder caused by bullying, abuse, etc where the victim can't feel happy, and is always sad. This person needs to get help and heal.
What it is showed as: an emo kid who is a very shy and misunderstood, a great trait where the amazing emo is deep and poetic. This person should continue on with it because it's romantic and beautiful.
Reality of self harm: something extremely serious, caused by something so intense and traumatizing the victim wants to end his own life. This person needs help (right fucking now)
What it is showed as: something an emo kid does, where he "paints a picture, the razor is a brush and the wrist a canvas. This person should kill themselves because they are " an angel who wants to go home"
Reality of anorexia: a very dangerous and serious mental disorder where one is obsessive about loosing weight, driven by insecurities. This person needs to see a food therapist. Right fucking now. It makes them look very ugly and disturbing.
What it is shown as: something an emo kid does (always coming back to emos) where they loose weight and act sad, driven by wanting to be pretty. This person needs to write "not thin enough" on their stomach and post it on tumblr. It makes them look sexy and mysterious.
Why?
The Answer
Why do we glorify Romeo and Juliet? It's the story of a 20 year old guy falling in love with a 14 year old and then they both kill themselves because their families wont let them bone. It's sick.
The thing is you are totally right. We, as human beings, romanticize stories and images that are objectively horrific. Sometimes we do it in the name of love, other times beauty. Some of the greatest stories ever told are actually horrible stories. Many of our 'heros' are actually people we should NEVER try to be like. Comic books lend us great examples of things that are good stories, but would be horrible realities. Like Batman, or even Iron Man. When you think about it they are actually terrible people who are horrible to others, subvert democracy around the world, and out right steal, destroy and overpower the people less powerful then them.
It's important that we are free to tell stories that are bad. It's important that we write poetry, and sing songs about horrible things. Even romanticizing those horrible things. It's an important part of the human experience, and communicating with one another.
Of course, other times, we do it because our thinking is off. A lot of what you've described here is a either a mental illness, or a behaviour based in disordered thinking. You can't understand it, because the thoughts behind are not rational.
It's can be tough to tell the difference between someone telling a story, or exploring an idea, and someone who is mentally ill, but it is important to try and respect people, even if their thinking is disordered, or if you think they are glorifying something bad.
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The Question
Since my girlfriend was introduced to my younger sister, they've always had a real sisterly relationship (even though they're not related). My sister was overweight for a very long time, and my girlfriend (who played soccer in college) served as an inspiration for her to lose weight
But over the past year and a half, their relationship has gotten worse
Only a few noticeable things have happened during this time - My sister has lost a lot of weight and has become her high school's top female sprinter, which is quite an accomplishment. On the other hand, my girlfriend and I are hooked on a pastry shop that opened very close by, and so we've both put on a bit of weight (about 40 lbs each in the past year and a half)
Anyway, my sister started wearing uber-trendy outfits that she was never comfortable in before, and my girlfriend actually gave her a lot of old clothes/outfits (everything from jeans and dresses to heels etc.)
As for us, my girlfriend is basically wearing yoga pants (which my sis makes fun of) and those suede Birkenstock slippers (Boston clogs?, my sister actually makes fun of them to my GF's face) and I'm wearing sweats a lot too now, which my sister also mocks
My sister and girlfriend are obviously not getting along like they used to. Sometimes, it feels like you can cut the tension in the room with a knife
AND - when we go to her track meets, she'll either act like she doesn't see us, or if we're in front of her friends, she'll actually make jokes about us. What needs to be done?
The Answer
Tell her not to be rude. She's a teenager. She needs you, and her parents, to put an end to her mocking of people. That is awful behaviour. There should be consequences for behaving rudely, but you are her brother, not her parent, so all you can do is call her on it and remind her that making fun of people is a shitty little thing to do.
Her parents should be encouraging her to be polite and you, her brother, should still be showing up to support her.
Although it was nice when your sister and your girlfriend where friends, your sister is not obligated to be friends with your girlfriend. So all that needs to be done here, is to enforce to your little sister that although she is certainly free to like, or not like, your girlfriend, she cannot be nasty and rude.
The weight gain is basically irrelevant, except that is what your little sister is latching on to for mockery. If you or your girlfriend are feeling insecure and want to loose weight, that is entirely different issue. Your sister must simply stop acting shitty.
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The Question
I really cannot understand myself, and why I keep doing things I regret.
I am in relationship with an amazing man, and I am ready to commit for life...
really, he is amazing and we are really great together.
And I just cant understand why when on occasion I go out to clubs without him, I tend to just go with what others are doing.. and I end up doing things that I know my boyfriend wouldnt like and I am so ashamed of it.
(Ive never really properly cheated,
but Ive let guys hold me and stuff and I dont think its ok, so maybe it does count as cheating??)
I am bad at saying no, not because I want anyone else or really want to do these things..
but more because I'm not quite sure at the time if it is ok or not.
And Im stupid and oblivious.. I tend to trust
others when I shouldnt.
I really want to be someone my man can trust, and who I can trust. I never want to let him down.
I am disgusted with myself for my lack of backbone and assertiveness,
and I really wish none of this has ever happened. And every time it does, I feel terrible :(
Can someone tell me whats wrong with me?? And how I can fix it??
The Answer
Why are you going to clubs in the first place?
In your defence, it is difficult to be assertive with men in meat markets environments like clubs. They often don't listen to polite No Thanks, and we've been taught to be polite. It can be a tough situation to stand up for yourself in, because a huge part of situation is about being sexually available for others.
If you know you don't have the judgement or confidence to set firm boundaries with men at clubs, why are you there? A club isn't a place you are required to be. Everyone has things they aren't so good at it, if you aren't so good at behaving yourself in a club, then stop going. That is a pretty valid solution.
If you are drinking while you are there, you might also consider stopping that. Drinking isn't' going to help you make better decisions or communicate more clearly with strangers in a club. It's gonna make you slow witted and clueless.
There is no magic trick here, but the simplest solution is the obvious one: If you are struggling in this environment, stop placing yourself in this environment.
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The Question
So I am 18 and I'm a college student working a part-time retail job to help pay for school, etc. I actually really like my job and love the people I work with...my managers on the otherhand...ehhh.
So one of my managers is 22. Since we are close in age, we sort of bonded. This is her first manager job and she's not the best...she doesn't know anything about running a store...but I still gave her a chance.. As the months went by, we got pretty close, she opened the door to joking around, etc. So one day, I made a joke(don't want to talk about) and she went behind my back and HR ended up writing me up for the joke. I felt so crushed, cause my manager was the one to open the door to joking. So I did apologize to my manager for the joke. We were good. I kept a distance from her and just continued on with my work. Well she noticed that I was sort of distnat with her so I told her that I was hurt by her. She didn't apologize or anything(I guess I really didn't expect her to)
So work just got awkward, some days she would either be really stand offish with me, or super nice to me! This has been going on for about 2 months now. A month ago, I did talk to her about it and she didn't say anything about it. So Whatever, I just let it go. But work is just weird now, like it makes me feel awkward and like I did something.
So about a month and a half ago, a different HR suggested that whenever I need to talk to my manager in her office that someone has to be present...totally stupid and came out of nowhere, I didn't even get an explanation for it. So now the stand offish crap and super nice crap is still going on...I just act like I don't notice it. But deep down, it really crushes me. I wanna have a good relationship with my boss, but her weird moods make it hard to do so... I do love my job and my co workers, and I don't wanna leave just cause of my manager, but now we barely even talk...not even about work things... I just feel so lost and helpless, and not being able to talk to my manager in her office without someone else present really bothers me...a lot.
So yesterday, I went into work to make a return, and my manager was there, so she stopped me and asked me about a issue that happened today with a different manager and one of my co workers(it was their issue but I saw it happen, I wasnt’ really involved)…so i told her what happened and kept it professional and was positive…
Then I told her this "I hope you know that I am trying and that you see that. I hope that one day we will be able to talk one day just one on one, that is something I would like to do. I just hope you see I'm trying" etc. I
was off the clock, so could I get in trouble for that Im actually really scared..what do you think will happen?
The Answer
You should consider that perhaps, the reason you have been asked not to speak to your boss alone, is because HR is concerned about HER behaviour, not yours. If they are aware or concerned about her moodiness. If they didn't tell you WHY they had this new rule, you shouldn't assume it's because you did something wrong. That might not be the case.
I don't think you'll get in any trouble for speaking to her off the clock like that, but honestly, it might be best for you to try and find another job. There is a lot of needless stress for you at this one. It's nice to be friends with your boss, but it's not necessary.
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The Question
Hello,I've been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now,as of a week ago,I didnt hear from my guy,due to some personal problems and his dad being in the hospital. Below,I have written the text message he sent me:
''Dear___ ,So it's been long enough and I think you deserve an explanation for my absence.I've been drifting apart. mostly because I dont know what I'm doing right now.I need to get my life back on point and I just cant rely on you right now.And when I say rely on you,I mean for you to be okay with whatever life we would live together.There's a dream and then there is reality and right now its looking difficult for me becauseI cant seem to find a stable job.But Ive made a commitment from today and from nowIm going to change my a lot of my ways.And I cant keep this long distance relationship thing with us going anymore.No more photos,no more videos or anything like that.I really need to focus on my life right now instead of our life.I definately think we can work in the future but right now I need to focus on myself sincerely from the depths of my heart.I feel like part of the stress that put my dad in the hospital is my fault.I'll talk to you soon.''
So,essentially,I have different scenarios.
Either Im being let down easy,and this is my chance to exit.
Or,he wants me to wait for him to get his life together
Or he is calling it off but gave me a little hope while he runs away
Or he really means what he says.
Im very confused,first he cuts ties,and then says,yeah,we have a future.... Its confusing....
Its hard,its very very very hard,and I just want to know what to do.I love him dearly,I love his family so much.
He is struggling with jobs,and he wants a stable one,so he can get a place for us to move in together....
Thank you in advance for your advice
The Answer
The only respectful thing to do, is assume he means what he says. He's definitely calling it off, but it's also clear that he hasn't really thought through what 'off' means.
He's also definitely confused, and you don't have to just be confused with him. It's totally legitimate to ask him some follow up questions and expect clear answers: Did he just break up with you? Does he still want to talk to you at all? Are you no longer together and now free to see others? Is he asking you to wait for him or to have reduced expectations of him while he looks for work?
Do yourself a favour and just ask him the tough questions now. He's not a moron, he knows what his text looked like, and he knows it was vague. You are owed some more clarity than that.
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The Question
I'm gonna keep this short and sweet. Why does my boyfriend always play video games with his friends when I'm over. I realize he has friends. But why can't me and him just spend time together. Everytime I come over, his friends will ask him to play a game (He talks to them on Skype while playing)(PC). Sometimes he'll ask me if he's allowed to play because we've got into before about this and I'll tell him to do whatever he wants. If I say no he's gonna do it anyway just like any typical man. What am I supposed to do while plays. I can't watch TV because his desk is right beside it (his body is in front of it) plus he talks. He wants me to watch him play,come on now. Sometimes when I try to talk to him he won't even hear me because of his headphones. Am I making this a big deal? I just feel like that's a nice line between friend time and girlfriend time. He just doesn't see the line.
The Answer
You leave out some important details, like, your age and what sort of plans you make together, but in the end, what your boyfriend doing is not okay.
Whatever the rest situation is, the first thing you need to do is start telling your boyfriend the truth. He probably knows what he is doing is shitty, but he still deserves to hear the truth from you.
You are basically lying to him when you say you are okay with this - you aren't. And he's being a childish brat to ask if he's 'allowed'. Of course he's allowed to be rude, ignore his guest and girlfriend. Being allowed or not is not why he shouldn't be treating you this way, He shouldn't be treating you this way, because it's a shitty way to treat someone
When you spend a lot of time with someone, it's totally acceptable for them to spend some of that time doing other things. Doing homework, cooking or cleaning, reading a book, or even playing video games. If you over there every day, then it's not wrong for your boyfriend to want to get some time in with his hobby. If you are seeing him once a week for a few hours, that's a very different situation.
If you are honest with him about how rude and hurtful this behaviour is, and he still does it, and you are old enough to get yourself home, then just go home. You have better things to do with your life then watch him play video games, so go do those things. You may also considering spending less time with him. If you used to go over for the whole day, only go over the morning. Instead of going over the 'hang out', go over with a plan to do something together. Just 'hanging out' is how this sort of rudeness becomes a habit.
In the end, your boyfriend is being exceptionally rude, however, I get the sense you are also young and sometimes our expectations for 'together time' are unrealistic when we are really young. I'm an adult living with her boyfriend and we really only get 4 or 5 hours of good 'together time' each week. The rest of our time is spent working, cleaning, shopping, or just being so tired that we flop in front of a movie and don't really have much energy to chat. If we get two or three meals together, an one afternoon outing together, it's a good week.
So stop putting up with his rudeness, but also change your focus. Instead of focusing on getting a certain amount of girlfriend time out of him, make some plans to have more meaningful together time. Make plans. Don't 'hang out' for hours or days.
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The Question
22/f, 28/m
Now, before I jump to the question... Here is a brief summary of why or how I ended up stalking his ex:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. The first six months of our relationship, he lied to me about not having feelings for his ex-girlfriend still. Reason why I asked him in the first place, was because he kept talking about her. His reason was because "she was part of his life for two years," and I never believed that he was completely over her but decided to let it go after the 5th or 6th time I asked him because he stopped talking about her when he realized that it was bothering me. The end of the 6th month, I found him messaging her saying that he missed having her in his life, that nobody compared to her, and that she set the standards pretty high.
A lot more things have happened other than these two incidents, just not with her. But because of these incidents similar to this, he blocked all of his ex's, the girls he has ever dated, took their birthdays off his calendar, etc. It took a second message to ANOTHER ex for me to have enough of it, and to request him to do this until I can trust that he won't do it again.
Since he blocked his exes... Apparently he unblocked his most recent ex for her birthday, just to see her Facebook and to see what she was up to. He told me he didn't message her or friend request her, but he was planning on blocking her again as soon as he was able to. I was unhappy with what he did. He didn't see anything wrong with it, but he knew that I would've questioned his feelings for her and for me. I told him that he was "bending" the rules and that wasn't okay. Especially since he wasn't planning on telling me any of this until I found out and confronted him.
I know what you're probably thinking, I must be an idiot for giving him another chance. But since then, I keep thinking that he's unblocked her, he's facebook stalking her, he's messaging her, or someone. And now I'm stalking her because I'm curious about what is/was so interesting about her profile, posts, etc that makes him want to unblock her and break my trust, again (he hasn't even gained it back, yet). And I want to quit looking at her profile.
Yes, I do realize our relationship needs work to do. But it's hard to work on it when he has broken my trust several times. I caught him lying to my face, breaking my trust, hiding stuff from me, etc. And yes, I do have some insecurities. I usually don't have it within myself, but I started having it in myself/with him/with us because of all of these incidents. So much damage has been done within a year. He's been "my definition of perfect" for the past two months, which is obviously not enough to repair the damage that has been done, but I don't know what to do.
I want to stop stalking his ex-girlfriend. I don't want to be intimidated by her. I want to be able to trust him. I've spoken to my counselor and it seems like the conversation just seems to go off topic.
What should I do? What can I do? Any advice?
The Answer
There is no magic trick to stop checking up on someone online. You just use willpower, and you stop.
If anything, honestly, this experience of being so interested in what she is up too, should give you a bit more empathy for your boyfriend. It is hard, especially in todays social media universe, to resist looking into people who have an effect on your life. We are curious little gossipy creatures by nature. That is hard instinct to fight.
Asking him not to message his exes with flirty comments is one thing, but asking him to never be curious what they are up to is actually a really difficult thing to ask another human being to do.
Now, in order to stop checking out her profile - which you absolutely must do for your own sanity - you are going to have use exactly the willpower and control that you've demanded of your boyfriend. So just do it. Because in ending this bad habit you'll learn to trust yourself to be able to live to the standards you demand of him. And if he really wont live to those standards, you'll have the strength and confidence to end it, because you'll know in your heart that your standards were fair, because you made yourself live to them.
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The Question
So I am 28 weeks pregnant. My baby's father and I are no longer together. We broke up last year of May, he found a new girlfriend. I was doing fine, then he came back around this year of January and we started talking again, and as soon as that happened I got pregnant. Me and him both have deep feelings for eachother, I do still love him. Im still in love with him due to the fact i really havent been able to get over him because I really thought we were going to be together, but he doesnt want me anymore he wants someone else. My question is am i wrong for not wanting the baby to go around him and his girlfriend just yet because im not over him. I wont keep him from seeing his son, but i just am not quite ready to let my baby go around another woman. And also take into consideration he has been lying to me through this whole pregnancy, he tells me he wants to be with me but he cant because he is using the other girl for her car and she helps him get around to his job. But now he texts me and tells me that he really just wants to be with her. and he was just lying to me because he didnt want to hurt my feelings.. but now im just trying to get over him i jus want us to raise our son and be good parents. but am i wrong for not wanting our son to be around the girlfriend yet?
The Answer
He has a right to see the child, and the child has a right to bond with their father. You can't make rules that get in the way of that.
Regardless of your feelings for the baby's father, you have to respect him as a co-parent, and that means given some basic respect to other people in his life. No judge is going to deny or limit a father's access because you don't like his new girlfriend. That's not realistic.
You can express some fair limits. You can be clear that girlfriend is not to babysit, or be alone with the child. If you are comfortable with her being in charge of your child, it is fair to make that a clear rule. You can remind him to make sure he's spending his time bonding with his child, and not just getting someone else to help him out.
But you have no legal right to say the child can't meet his girlfriend. There is just no law that is going to help you out there. You're only option is to ask him to not introduce the child to his girlfriend yet, but you need to accept that he's not legally bound to agree to that, and that eventually the child will meet someone who is in his life in that way. With older children, couples often makes rules that say you must be dating for so many months before the child is introduced to the person, but even those are private agreements, they aren't laws.
It's not wrong to feel weird about your child meeting your ex's girlfriend, but it is wrong to try and make rules that are not legally enforceable. Focus on your child's well being, not on the desire to punish your ex, or dislike his new girlfriend.
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The Question
I know this question is somewhat weird but I just wanted to know if there is a way to find unanswered questions on this website. I even altered the sort mode to "unanswered questions first" but still can't find a question with no answers at all. I really love giving advice to people because I love helping out; it really cheers me up. That's the reason I signed up for this website but even the questions on the column on the right (Be the FIRST to answer these) have an answer/answers. I don't want to answer one of these questions because usually the answer which is already given is quite long and it already says everything I would say to answer the question so I find it pointless to confuse the person who asked the questions by repeating the same answer. Could someone please help me with this?
The Answer
Unanswered questions will appear at the top of the Be the First column, and then will be followed by questions with fewer answers. So you have it basically right.
Truth is, one of the strengths of this site is that we have enough people answering questions that it's rare for one to go completely unanswered. I think questions that really do go unanswered for weeks are usually deleted by the person who asked them.
It's definitely smart of you not to go on repeating the same thing the person before you said, but don't forget that sometimes multiple people chiming in can be very helpful and supportive for a person with a question. Sometimes someone else's advice, however good, wont be as powerful and meaningful for the questioner as what you have to add.
Honestly, you aren't going to confuse people. Sometimes supporting a good with another human voice, talking to them personally, is the very kindest thing you can do.
Really, don't worry so much about being the first or the best. If you think you have something of value to offer, offer it. You never know whose advice will hit home and really work for another person. Sometimes I'll think I wrote something perfect for a questioner, but they'll prefer something else. Sometimes I'll add an answer that I felt didn't add too much to what they had already been told, and then had them tell me that my answer was the one that helped them the most.
Don't sell yourself short and don't try to compete. It's nice to be told you helped, but you'll never know what really helps the person who needs it the most.
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