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How Often Does Parents' and Grandparents' "Equal Love" Happen?
I want to apologize in advance if this writing makes it sound like I'm accusing any parents or grandparents on this site of anything. I'm very upset right now, so please excuse me if this seems a little hostile. I don't mean to be nor do I mean to cause any problems, but there's something I need to know. When people say that they love their kids and grandkids equally, how many of them actually mean it? I know that many of them do, but I feel like grandparents say it waaaaay too often and don't mean it at all? I mean, grandkids aren't the same as actual children. Is it just some meaningless platitude grandparents feel they HAVE to say? And why is everyone so convinced that it's normal and does no damage if you don't love them equally?
Let's say that there's this man who has two daughters and seven total grandchildren who he's always alleged that he loves equally, but he doesn't and it makes me wonder if ANY grandparent actually does. Even if I'm wrong about him loving them equally, then equal love doesn't seems worthless. I know that's harsh and in sorry, but like I said, I'm very upset.
His oldest daughter has a son, Lane and two daughters Avery and Collins. He ADORES them. He never shuts up about them, especially Lane and anytime somebody wants to talk about anything else, he finds a way to change the subject back to them. They can do no wrong in his eyes and when they do wrong in someone else's eyes, he defends them and berates whoever is angry with them.
When he and his wife got separated, he moved ten hours away from her and his youngest daughter to be near his oldest who'd just had Lane. He lives so far away from his youngest daughter and her kids who all still live near his wife. He rarely comes to visit and when he does, he acts disinterested in the daughter OR the kids. If the oldest daughter and her family come as well, he parades her kids around and show them off to everyone he can. Many people don't even know that the youngest has kids.
His youngest has three sons and a daughter, Aaron, David, Jude, and Alexia. They get little to no attention from him at all and it hurts them more than he'll bother to think about. It drives his youngest daughter absolutely crazy and she gets sick of people saying that it's no big deal, that she's being unreasonable, and that it's no big deal to to the kids when they aren't the ones who have to put up with his bs.
The apocalypse would not have been able to keep him from being there when Lane was born. He was there when Avery and Collins were as well, but since he lived on town then, it was a lot easier. Aaron and David are fraternal twins and he didn't bother to come when they were born because it was too far away. He got TWO grandsons at that time and would not bother to come. They were born in October and he decided to wait until thanksgiving to see them, saying he shouldn't make two trips down there so close to each other.
Jude and Avery were born just over a month apart. His youngest daughter couldn't make it to Avery's baby shower because she couldn't travel. His oldest daughter was very understanding and blamed herself for it because she didn't plan it sooner, but their dad had a conniption about it. He treated her like the GD devil for not coming to her third baby shower (she had two for Lane). When Jude was born, the rules were different. There was no baby shower, but rather a smaller party called a sprinkle. Men weren't invited, but he could have sent a gift or some diapers or something and didn't. He also wasn't wasn't there when Jude was born either. Very hurtful.
No one expected him to be there when Alexia was born and he wasn't. His wife has been at ALL of the oldest daughter's kids events including baby showers, births, christening, baptisms, and when she can, even things like ball games and school plays. It's not fair that the dad won't do the same for the youngest daughter's kids.
He broke Alexia's heart by not going to her high school graduation, not because he couldn't or didn't want to, but because he was trying to bet back at her mother for at the time. Instead of directing his anger at the mother, he aimed it at his innocent, "loved" granddaughter. He missed a once in a lifetime event and does not regret it. He blames his youngest daughter for it.
He is a big church goer. He loves church and never misses it when someone he knows speaks at church for whatever. When Jude spoke at church near Christmas time, the dad was invited to come down. The oldest daughter and her family were coming to town for Christmas already and came a little earlier so they could hear Jude speak. Granddad was asked to come by Jude an BEGGED to come by Jude's parents, but he didn't. His reasoning was that he was mad arcHive at the time for something that wasn't even his business. He claimed to love him, but called him trash in the same sentance because he went out with multiple girls at the same time. He wasn't in an exclusive relationship with any of them, so technically he wasn't doing anything wrong. But granddad says that he's never been so embarrassed by a relative in his life.
I'm just sick of people putting their kids and grandkids through this kind of bs. I'm sick of some who do this kind of thing claiming to love their kids and grandkids equally when they don't and I'm sick of people who admit to loving one more saying that it's normal and okay.
I guess I mainly just needed to vent some anger, but please, if anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
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Theres a point there, that often we don't treat the people we love as if we truly love them. Some we hold at arms length, or we let other emotions such as sadness and anger and dissapoint get in the way of our being able love someone.
My first thought is that perhaps grandpa isn't even consciously aware of why he does this, but for some reason, subconsciously he treats the younger daughter and his grandchildren by her differently.
So what reasons could subconsciously cause a person to have a negative emotional reaction to someone? For me, its easy to see a big reason tho it may not apply here. But i will mention it in case it does so it can help you deal with the hurt you feel and be better prepared to explain to the kids when they are hurt.
I don't know much of his divorce, only that he moved far away from ex. I dont know who wanted the divorce. It may have been mutual, or perhaps she asked for the divorce and that hurt him so deeply in ways he's never recovered from emotionally and those scars and hurts buried inside are what compells him to subconsciously act as he does. So why pick on you, not older sister? Another guess, but either your looks, your facial expressions, the way you talk or act, something about you reminds him of his ex wife. Being reminded when one hasn't learned to grieve and deal with hurt like that, or a loss of a mate, means that a person can easily find their emotional strings plucked all too easy. And it doesnt matter if he changed his mind and wanted her back and still loves her and battles with being rejected, or whether he truly hates her and doesnt want to dwell on her, anything that causes him to relive bad memories. It's not your fault you are who you are and that something about you might be reminding him of his ex. No, its not right. But I'm willing to bet its not just you and your kids who are hurting but he is too. His not dealing with his hurt may have caused him to act as he does and it doesnt have to and most often won't make sense. Like why if its just you that reminds him of ex wife, then why not at least see the grandkids? I don't know but he must fear running into you or having to at least talk to you. Also, if a person has changed their mind, they can feel its too late to admit they were wrong and sometimes it takes something like being on ones deathbed to attempt to put things right.
If it were me, I would choose in my mind to believe the above scenerio because it would explain his actions and take the pressure off me to wonder in what way I am somehow lacking, why older sis and her family seem to be chosen over me. It may be too late for him to change, but if you can find at least a little less hurt inside as far as your self image, then all thats left is the hurt of him keeping away. But understandng why is the first step to healing for you. It wont take away your bad memories, but it can help with the pain in time, that has come every time you think of grandpa cutting you and your kids out of his life. I sincerely hope they have a good relationship with grandma and their other set of grandparents. At one point, both my parents were dead while my kids were still young, the youngest just turning four.
I asked an older couple in church with an adopted child in no hurry to marry and have kids, if they'd like to be adopted grandparents for my kids. As long as we lived in the area and went to the church, the kids gained another set of grandparents and had lots of fun. they missed their real ones but sometimes, the peope we 'choose' to make family, rather than the ones who are 'blood' family can be the more rewarding ones and just as special. I am not suggesting this for you, just sharing that its only going to have the importance that one places on it. If grandpa had died months after divorcing, the kids would still miss not having a grandfather, but they also would not be dealing with rejection. We each have the personal choice as to how we allow our emotions to react or respond to how we are treated. When not treated kindly, if we take things to personally in life, then we have a life long of disappointments from the store clerk who spoke sharply to you one day, a best friend who no longer calls, kids who tease and bully the kids at school, etc. If we can know that the situation isn't there because of something we've done to cause it and something we need to change to repair it, then the solution lies with the other person. And some people aren't ready to change for the better because humans are afraid of change. Its uncomfortable, unsettling, scary and can briefly bring emotional pain into our lives so we do all we can to not change. this means you can't change the grandpa, he can only choose to change himself and he may never. No, it doesnt solve the issue, I don't have high hopes that you will see change as the older we get, the less likely a person is to change also. But I hope that choosing how you view the problem will bring some peace for you and you will be able to counsel the kids in the same way. Blessings dear!
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Loving someone has basically nothing to do with how you treat them.
I know that sounds weird, because we love say shit like "He wouldn't do that if he REALLY loved you." but it's nonsense. People who REALLY love each other sometimes treat each other horribly.
Love is a feeling. It's a connection and care, but it's not action. Loving as an action is totally different. Loving as an action takes respect and humility and generosity and self-awareness - things some people just don't have.
You can look at your grandfather's actions and say, well, he doesn't love them equally. Or, you could say he doesn't really love anyone at all, he just chooses to value them differently based on how they make him feel. Or, you look at him and say he probably loves them all as his grandchildren, but it just so royally fucked up in other ways, that he is incapable of treating them equally or sharing that love in respectful or reasonable ways.
You've got a lot of pain about his behaviour, and that's legit! His behaviour sucks, and is painful, but don't use it base your entire philosophy of parental love on. He's not that important. He's not doing what he is doing because of some underlying philosophy or deep truth about the nature of love, he's doing what he's doing because he's a deeply fucked up human being.
Personally, I have seven siblings and I'm lucky enough to have a pretty awesome set of parents. I know my parents love us all equally, but I also know that doesn't mean that they like us all equally every day of the week. Sometimes, we're assholes, to them, to each other, just in general. We have bad weeks, we have bad years. Some of us are easier to talk to or hang out with than others. Some of us, they have more in common with than others. They'll always love us as their kids, but they are not obligated to like us as people all the damn time. We're not the same as people. We can't be. If our parents pretend we are all the same, they aren't really paying attention to us.
It's tough. There are no great answers, but really, take your grandfather for what he is and don't try to assign his behaviours to a larger theory or understanding of the world. One selfish person can do a lot of damage, but that damage only gets worse if you fall into the trap of believing their hate is meaningful. It's not meaningful. It's not about the nature of love. It's about one asshole grandpa. Unfortunately, he's your asshole grandpa.
Those who are in pain because of his assholery, should seek counselling to help manage that pain.
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I am of the grandparent age though my child has not yet blessed us with grandchildren my extended family has blessed us with great-nieces and great-nephews. I can understand it is hard for a grandchild or great-niece or nephew to understand how someone can love them equally it is possible.
Yes even when there are great distances separating one or more of them from me and the others it is still possible to stay in touch and to let them know I love a care for them. Especially today with all the technology we have available. Even my youngest great-nephew who lives just outside of Dallas, some 1,800 miles from me, I can stay in touch with through pictures sent to to me and facetime.
My niece makes sure he knows me and knows who I am by reminding him who sent him that toy he might be playing with. She'll say to, who sent that to you and he answer Uncle XXXXXXX. He may get a few more gifts than the other but it is not out of favoritism it is because of the distance that separates us.
Judging by his playroom, which can double as a well stocked toy store, my wife and I are not the only Aunt and Uncle that send gifts of toys as a way for him to remember us. As he gets older and starts school I will start to write to him with email and other forms of Internet communication and the gifts will be sent only for Birthdays and Christmas.
I will write to him for two reasons.
1. To stay in touch with him
2. By sending Emails or some other form of electronic communication at his level of ability to read I will be helping him with his reading and writing in a manner I hope he will find fun.
I say again it is possible to love all my great-nieces and great-nephews equally I try very hard not to show favoritism as it is not right to do so. While it is possible to do so I also know that some grandparents some Aunts and Uncles will favor one child over another. This unfair and wrong for the other children. I don't know why they do it so I can't explain it to you it is no normal or okay.
Unfortunately if this is happening to you cannot at this time speak up and say something to them. when your older a time will come when you can remind them how they favored someone over you and is why you distance yourself from them or have not invited them to your wedding.
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