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I keep stalking my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend
22/f, 28/m
Now, before I jump to the question... Here is a brief summary of why or how I ended up stalking his ex:
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. The first six months of our relationship, he lied to me about not having feelings for his ex-girlfriend still. Reason why I asked him in the first place, was because he kept talking about her. His reason was because "she was part of his life for two years," and I never believed that he was completely over her but decided to let it go after the 5th or 6th time I asked him because he stopped talking about her when he realized that it was bothering me. The end of the 6th month, I found him messaging her saying that he missed having her in his life, that nobody compared to her, and that she set the standards pretty high.
A lot more things have happened other than these two incidents, just not with her. But because of these incidents similar to this, he blocked all of his ex's, the girls he has ever dated, took their birthdays off his calendar, etc. It took a second message to ANOTHER ex for me to have enough of it, and to request him to do this until I can trust that he won't do it again.
Since he blocked his exes... Apparently he unblocked his most recent ex for her birthday, just to see her Facebook and to see what she was up to. He told me he didn't message her or friend request her, but he was planning on blocking her again as soon as he was able to. I was unhappy with what he did. He didn't see anything wrong with it, but he knew that I would've questioned his feelings for her and for me. I told him that he was "bending" the rules and that wasn't okay. Especially since he wasn't planning on telling me any of this until I found out and confronted him.
I know what you're probably thinking, I must be an idiot for giving him another chance. But since then, I keep thinking that he's unblocked her, he's facebook stalking her, he's messaging her, or someone. And now I'm stalking her because I'm curious about what is/was so interesting about her profile, posts, etc that makes him want to unblock her and break my trust, again (he hasn't even gained it back, yet). And I want to quit looking at her profile.
Yes, I do realize our relationship needs work to do. But it's hard to work on it when he has broken my trust several times. I caught him lying to my face, breaking my trust, hiding stuff from me, etc. And yes, I do have some insecurities. I usually don't have it within myself, but I started having it in myself/with him/with us because of all of these incidents. So much damage has been done within a year. He's been "my definition of perfect" for the past two months, which is obviously not enough to repair the damage that has been done, but I don't know what to do.
I want to stop stalking his ex-girlfriend. I don't want to be intimidated by her. I want to be able to trust him. I've spoken to my counselor and it seems like the conversation just seems to go off topic.
What should I do? What can I do? Any advice?
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sweetheart I think you should dump this guy. he is putting you through 2 things i woman shouldn't have to go through:
being insecure in a relationship
wondering if there are any other girls in the relationship
He is not worth all this stress. go get someone better
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There is no magic trick to stop checking up on someone online. You just use willpower, and you stop.
If anything, honestly, this experience of being so interested in what she is up too, should give you a bit more empathy for your boyfriend. It is hard, especially in todays social media universe, to resist looking into people who have an effect on your life. We are curious little gossipy creatures by nature. That is hard instinct to fight.
Asking him not to message his exes with flirty comments is one thing, but asking him to never be curious what they are up to is actually a really difficult thing to ask another human being to do.
Now, in order to stop checking out her profile - which you absolutely must do for your own sanity - you are going to have use exactly the willpower and control that you've demanded of your boyfriend. So just do it. Because in ending this bad habit you'll learn to trust yourself to be able to live to the standards you demand of him. And if he really wont live to those standards, you'll have the strength and confidence to end it, because you'll know in your heart that your standards were fair, because you made yourself live to them.
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Ok theres alot going on here so im gonna try to break this down with you level by level ok....so im gonna quote you and piece by piece go through this for you...
"The first six months of our relationship, he lied to me about not having feelings for his ex-girlfriend still. Reason why I asked him in the first place, was because he kept talking about her. His reason was because "she was part of his life for two years," and I never believed that he was completely over her but decided to let it go"
Ok when your with someone and their doing things like this, it signals that not only are they NOT over that person but that they are emotionally not ready to be in a relationship with anyone ELSE either. This means that what your getting isnt the best version of themselves because they havent taken the time to deal with and get over whatever feelings they had for that last person and want to look towards the bright future they could have with you. This means that if you care about them, you will tell them that YOU feel they arent ready to be in a relationship, tell them WHY (like what i just said) and that you want the best version of them, and not the version that is still lusting for the other girl because they are bringing the emotional baggage from that into YOUR relationship and thats not fair to either of you is it?
You dont want someone that jumps from relationship to relationship like changing clothes, you want someone that wants ONLY you and couldnt care less about those others.
"I found him messaging her saying that he missed having her in his life, that nobody compared to her, and that she set the standards pretty high."
ok this right here should have been enough for you to walk away.....this is not ever ok.
For you to see this and still forgive means that your putting him up on a pedistool in your heart and lowering yourself. This shows that you dont have very good self-esteem or else you would have walked away already. He not a perfect creature of a god. hes human and has flaws just like the rest of us, he just looks and acts the way you think a perfect guy would but this is far from perfect.
Also the whole "not planning on telling you" thing? i mean really??......hes sounds like a habitual lying guy. You need to ask yourself how long your willing to put up with this?? because your only hurting yourself by being with someone that lies to you and still talks to people he should have left in the past.
I married ok, and i told my man from the start that he would neverrrr be telling me who i could and could not talk to, and that i would never tell him that he could not longer talk to females he knew before i was around because that wouldnt be fair. you know what he did?? he CHOSE to not talk to them because i showed him that i was giving him the responsibility of having my full trust right from the start but that if he fucked up, it was over. Telling your man right off the bat something thats this important can make them see that your willing to give them the chance they would want with you but that if they mess up its over and thats it. Often times, when demands like not talking to people they are used to talking to still are made that person really secretly doesnt appreciate it but is willing to SAY "ok" just to keep you happy for the moment. But as soon as your back is turned this is the kinda shit they do. If they are given the choice, often times they see that you trust their judgement and will WANT to do the right thing because they love you. ((just a little misconception i thought i would clear up)) ; )
"But since then, I keep thinking that he's unblocked her, he's facebook stalking her, he's messaging her, or someone. And now I'm stalking her because I'm curious about what is/was so interesting about her profile, posts, etc that makes him want to unblock her and break my trust, again (he hasn't even gained it back, yet). And I want to quit looking at her profile."
Ok see all this blocking and unblocking of people is just way too much work and your wasting your energy trying to "make sure" that your man who you should be able to trust is doing the right thing. I dont necessarily think you have trust issues, i think you have them with HIM because hes given you good reason to right from the start by continuously talking about his girlfriend and then saying he wasnt talking to them but was. I wouold say this is kinda his fault for making a bad impression on you from the start, anhd if your the type that doesnt forget or doesnt get over things like that easily then yeah, its going to be an issue.
You dont need to be intimidated by an old girlfriend i mean he obviously is with you (
for the most part) but if he really doesnt want to stop talking to all these girls and your not comfortable with it then you need to decide how much your willing to put up with cause hes likely not gonna change unless something major happens like you leaving for a while so he can get his head clear.
I would ask him if he really wasnt ok with not talking to his ex gf's anymore when you said it made you uncomfortable then why didnt he say something about it? why did he just go along with it? cause if thats what he did your in for a whole lot more of him doing that kinda shit in the future.
you have lots to think about dear.
good luck
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