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How Far is Too Far For Christians?
So I'm a strong Christian and I'm 15 and going to be a sophomore. I have been a Christian for years. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months and he is a Christian also (17 and senior). As Christians we don't believe in marriage before sex but we have already been to third base together even though we say we won't go further. Is that too far? Inside I feel like it is but I don't know how to slow down sexual but keep up in the relationship. What should I do?
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Hi Hon. Heres my perspective as a female who was a Christian as a teen and marriage to a guy from church.
I have learned that just because you might find a mouse in the cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. In other words, my husband acted like a Christian when convenient or wanting to fool others, but at home he wasnt with me. Not only being treated badly but I found to my dismay that we were not a match sexually and there were too many differences that would require one of us being someone and doing things that we didn't want to, changing for the other. I married at age 20, knowing nothing really, being too naive and choosing to believe what was taught in church to save your virginity for your marriage partner. So I did, although he was no virgin. I did eventually divorce him once our kids were grown. I've learned much along the way. My advice to my youngest daughter when she asked if she should still wear a promise ring and remain a virgin or to just have sex with someone if she has feelings for them and it seems right, is that I now believed thru my own experiences, that it is better to 'test drive' the car before purchase or compared to a guy, have sex with him before you make the commitment of marriage.
I have also learned that the Bible had rules written that worked for bible times or the meanings then are totally different compared to what we think it means today. For example, adultery in bible times, a time when men owned their wives like property meant that if another man came along enticing that women to spend time with him, that took her away from her home and duties with her husband and that in that time was considered stealing as the husband didnt give his permission for another man to have sex with his wife. It was often a custom to offer a traveling stranger all the comforts of home for the night, a meal, a bed and your wife for sex. Not that all did that but it was not a frowned upon practice. So while we think having sex outside of marriage is adultery today, its only that if the married couple have not agreed to it together. I can't remember the reasoning behind why one had to wait for marriage but I figure one big deal was that they could not do paternity tests back then and there was no birth control meds available. So for a man to know that a woman he was marrying didn't already carry another man's child, it was important to stress that the women must remain virgins. It didn't apply to men as they cant get pregnant.
Also, when we use the word virgin to describe the fact we have not had intercourse, (penis in vagina sex) if taking the actual meaning of the word virgin, thats not the right word. Have you heard of a virgin forest? Virgin means untouched by and in the case of a forest, that no humans have ever walked in that forest. You are no longer a virgin to sex. There are many parts to sex including all the foreplay, and oral sex or mutual masturbation. So in essense, you are already no longer a virgin. Think about it, what is so important about waiting to have intercourse with ones wife or husband for the first time. When I did, it was terrible and remained so for the entire marriage. Neither of us had the right chemistry to incite passion and desire in each other so it became a chore to relieve pressure for him and never satisfy me. This is why its important to discover your own sexuality and your likes and desires ahead of time so when you think you've found the man you want to marry, you'll have a good idea if he's a good match on the sexual side of things and the 2nd part needed for a good marriage is being each others best friends.
Think on this dear, at what point are gay couples no longer virgins. They have a sex life too and two penis's or two vagina's make it impossible to have penis in vagina sex if thats what it means to no longer be a virgin.
So the only question left then is, when do you feel ready and wanting to have sex with a guy? It is your choice. Your parents may not agree and thats why there are laws in place now so they can not be told if you go to your doctor or planned parenthood for birth control. I know some kids have sex at 15 but I would have to agree that for most kids, it is too early still, they aren't ready to handle having sex if they cannot discuss birth control together or have any open conversation about sex together instead of just winging it and doing it. Sex always takes having good communication between a couple, no matter how old we get. My 2nd husband and I communicative often giving instructions, like go easier, go faster, lets switch positions or hey did you feel that? Birth control is one of those topics that should be discussed between both.
Teen boys when I was your age, are no different than teen boys of today because their bodies are exactly the same with the same desires. God made us to be sexual creatures as well as spiritual ones. One cant nurture only the spiritual and say that is okay but ignore sexuality, try to avoid it, consider it sinful in any context other than missionary position between a husband and wife, etc. When I was younger and even early in marriage, I felt guilty whenever I masturbated because I was taught it was sinful. Yet I could not stop. Once I learned how to truly hear GOd talking to me, answering me, I learned that GOd did not have a problem with me doing that. In fact to prove the point, when night while awake in bed but hubby asleep, I was praying and God insisted He could prove masturbation and orgasms was okay by allowing me to have one that neither I nor my husband touched me or did anything to bring it on. I felt a surge of energy and the next thing I knew, I was having an orgasm, without having sex with my husband...that was the proof I needed. God works differently with each of us depending on where we are at in our spiritual path and wont push you to do anything you aren't ready for. But you have to be willing to trust God fully and it took many years for me to go from partial trust to full trust in God. So...in addition to all I've said, I would advise you also asking God his opinion on what you are doing. You may not be able to ask and hear back yet, but I was learning at your age, and it was hit and miss. If I didn't hear words back in my head, at least I felt a peace about something, or I felt agitated. So work on hearing from God cus He has your best interests in mind regarding your spiritual growth as a soul. Sex is a gift to you that really has no bearing on your spirituality but a soul can eventually grow to a point where the sexual act can at times feel like a spiritual event. Good luck dear.
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As you can see we all seem to be of one mind here that this is your body and no one, should tell you how far to go. This is something you have to decide for yourself.
What I will say and I say this as a very liberal grandparent when it comes to sex and sexuality is this. You will know when the time is right to move from one place to the next and when it is time to give yourself to a boy. Right now at your age is not the time. Not so much because you are too young, which is one reason, but for the most important reason of all RESPECT?
Boys your age and many into their early twenties confuse lust and love. To them the two are synonymous. To boys sex is an alternative, a better alternative, to masturbation. They are constantly horny because of the hormones of puberty which makes them what sex all the time. They will say anything to get a girl to have sex with them including shaming them by saying something like; "If you love me you will have sex with me." Any boy that tells you something like that does not love you he lusts for you.
While sex is an expression of love it is not the way to prove your love for someone. In fact if a boy uses that type of line on a girl it is actually sexual harassment which is illegal. Once you say no to sex any type of sex, which would include allowing him to finger you, it is sexual harassment. If he does not stop or forces himself on you, even to try and finger you it is rape.
Making out is part of the rite of passage of the teenage years. You decide how far you want to go, not the boy. You decide based on your readiness, you’re upbringing and you religious morals if you wish. No one not me not any of us can tell you what or where to draw the line; that has to be your decision.
If you wish to be a virgin when you marry that is your decision and do not let anyone talk you out of it. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin when you marry. Your virginity is a very special gift. One your husband will appreciate and one teenage boys see as nothing more than a notch on their belt that many high school boys’ plays as a game to see how many girls the can deflower. Your virginity means nothing to them.
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You are in charge of your body. Not any man, not the bible, not even God. Don't ever let anyone shame you for your sexuality. You are only 15 but hopefully in a few years you will go to college and see that (surprise) human beings were made to be sexual creatures. But you already know that--don't feel ashamed or guilty for it. I recommend you do some deep soul searching to find out who you are apart from the Christian faith.
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You get to decide.
You get to decide how far is too far, and who to listen to, and which rules to follow. Honestly, you do. Lots of different people will argue about what the rules are, but until God pops down and says "Only above the clothes stuff until you get married!" no one can know for sure.
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Wait you mean you dont believe in having sex before marriage?? lol cause usually thats how this statement goes not the other way around.
If youve already been the third base then its a little late now for regrets. What you should do now is continue to make sure the relationship stays strong enough for the long term now that youve moved to that next level.
What you should ask yourself next is, Is this relationship strong enough to last forever or for the long term? is he as dedicated to the relationship. If his love for you hasnt changed and you dont see things running their course then you might just have a long term relationship here. If so you wanna nurture that.
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