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How can I stop myself from doing stupid things at parties?
I really cannot understand myself, and why I keep doing things I regret.
I am in relationship with an amazing man, and I am ready to commit for life...
really, he is amazing and we are really great together.
And I just cant understand why when on occasion I go out to clubs without him, I tend to just go with what others are doing.. and I end up doing things that I know my boyfriend wouldnt like and I am so ashamed of it.
(Ive never really properly cheated,
but Ive let guys hold me and stuff and I dont think its ok, so maybe it does count as cheating??)
I am bad at saying no, not because I want anyone else or really want to do these things..
but more because I'm not quite sure at the time if it is ok or not.
And Im stupid and oblivious.. I tend to trust
others when I shouldnt.
I really want to be someone my man can trust, and who I can trust. I never want to let him down.
I am disgusted with myself for my lack of backbone and assertiveness,
and I really wish none of this has ever happened. And every time it does, I feel terrible :(
Can someone tell me whats wrong with me?? And how I can fix it??
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Why are you going to clubs in the first place?
In your defence, it is difficult to be assertive with men in meat markets environments like clubs. They often don't listen to polite No Thanks, and we've been taught to be polite. It can be a tough situation to stand up for yourself in, because a huge part of situation is about being sexually available for others.
If you know you don't have the judgement or confidence to set firm boundaries with men at clubs, why are you there? A club isn't a place you are required to be. Everyone has things they aren't so good at it, if you aren't so good at behaving yourself in a club, then stop going. That is a pretty valid solution.
If you are drinking while you are there, you might also consider stopping that. Drinking isn't' going to help you make better decisions or communicate more clearly with strangers in a club. It's gonna make you slow witted and clueless.
There is no magic trick here, but the simplest solution is the obvious one: If you are struggling in this environment, stop placing yourself in this environment.
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The clubbing scene isn't very supportive of relationships. The whole concept is that strangers drink, dance and get close. Not exactly the best place for a person in a committed relationship to be. Oh and don't even get me started on the fact that it is somehow considered socially acceptable for guys to approach girls at clubs and EXPECT dancing, grinding, etc. Saying no is considered socially awkward. Saying no anyway takes a lot of effort.
That being said, cut yourself some slack. If you go out clubbing alone and dance with other people, your boyfriend probably does too. Maybe try having an honest conversation about this and see how the two of you feel. Maybe it will make more sense for the two of you to stop going clubbing separately, or maybe you can meet up after times that you do go clubbing separately to talk and re-connect so that you know that whatever happens at the club is not as important as what happens at home with each other.
For me, when I go out clubbing, I karate chop any frog that comes within 10 meters of me and any pig that comes with 100 meters of my Kermie. So that's my other piece of advice: take up karate.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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Ok, i think the problem here (even though you may be correct about not being able to say no easier) is also that clubs are usually places for single and "ready to mingle" people.
people go to clubs to MEET and maybe even "go home with" other people they've met there.
if your in a relationship you may want to rethink going to clubs even with friends if you know yourself and you know that you are easily taken in by strangers and/or not able to say no.
I would say for you for right now, just stop going to clubs until you can figure this out or dont go without your man, so if someone DOES grab you, HE can step in and help you.
try to AVOID situations like these now that your in a relationship if you can say no basically.
theres no need to feel disgusted, your still figuring yourself out, you sound relatively young and we're ALL kind of a work in progress through out life. ;
)
you'll figure it out.
good luck
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