|
humorist-workshop
Young adult with depression- mom kicked me out. No one understands.
21/f I apologize in advance for length.
A little background:
I've been suffering from clinical depression since I was 16. I had never been sure of why I was so depressed until a couple years ago, realizing it was my incredibly low self-esteem and self-worth issues. I have a self-harm problem and I've tried committing suicide 4 times, ending up in the hospital 3 of those times due to overdose. Therapy and anti-depressant/anxiety meds have helped me.
One of the major side-effects of my depression is my irritability. My annoyances and anger, though I do very well in containing them, have been extreme since my depression surfaced (I tend to think it was being a teenager AND being depressed).
My mom is very passive-aggressive, and always hides her stress and negative emotions, however will lash out in weird ways, like ignoring me, snubbing me or giving me one-word answers. She picks up on my irritability and automatically assumes it's a jab at her, so she responds with ignoring me (which obviously stresses me more). We've sat down and talked about it at least 6 times, I've apologized and told her it's not about her, but it has yet to click.
My last attempt on my life was this April. A few weeks after, I moved in with my newlywed older sister because nearby there was a summer temp job I accepted. My sister commonly reported to my mom (I talked with my mom regularly, so there was no need for her to nose in) that I came straight home, watched Netflix and went to bed. While true, I was proud of myself for finally doing what I wanted (resting physically and emotionally) instead of only doing things for others, like hanging out with them, and exhausting myself, which would worsen my condition, stress me out, and make me irritable, starting the pattern again.
2 months of living with them, my temp job was ending in a week in a half. I came home, and my step-dad and sister's husband were waiting for me. They informed me that after my temp job, I was no longer welcome to live back at my mom's house. Therefore, would need to find a job, place to stay, place for my dog to stay, insurance, title and plates on car, etc, and my source of income was ending 1 and 1/2 weeks. They left me home alone the rest of the weekend with that news. My boyfriend was worried and called them for help since he was far away and my mom replied "There's nothing we can do."
Luckily my dad has taken me in while I find a job and save for a place, but he lives in a small trailer (his construction project for now), and there's no room for my Husky, so he's still at my sisters.
From what I've heard, it seemed to my sister and her husband that I was not improving. They have not discussed that notion with me, but reported it to my mom. My mom now is growing stomach ulcers. Unfortunately, with the way she handles stress (she doesn't...), I saw this coming. She didn't want her health to suffer more so they didn't want me back. They thought I should be improving since they found out about my condition 1 year and a half ago (it's been going on FAR longer). They also don't want to "enable" my depression...
It just screwed up my finally-budding confidence to have my life flipped upside-down like this. I know they don't hate me, but my depressed side is hard to convince. It's not my fault that I have this stupid condition. I would wish it away in a heartbeat. But it's also not my fault that her health has suffered. My sister got married and mom was almost in charge of the whole thing, and now my sister's pregnant (good news, still a lot of planning, etc.) My younger brother has no interest in college, drinks underage against her wishes, causes a lot of trouble. He moved out of state with this girlfriend we all hated, she cheated months after, now he's back home. My mom's job is also a insurance claims manager. Basically all this to say I am NOT her only stress, however I do understand it's a rather large chunk. But... That months earlier in the hospital she was saying that she wanted me to understand how special I was, and then to turn around and basically say she can't handle me any more? It crushed me after I was finally making progress with myself. Now I have to start over.
It's been two weeks since living with my dad. My dad is trying to force me to call my mom. I CAN'T. I. CAN'T. I'm in the shock/anger stage of things. Calling her would only result in anger and yelling, and would just stress her out. But my dad's playing the "dad" card and trying to make his 21 year-old do something she's not ready for (yeah, good luck buddy). I'm just so angry, and the few friends that I've told have been so understanding, but no one else in the situation seems to get why I'm so upset about this (my sister, mom, dad, etc.) I'm not tooooo sure of what I'm asking here, I guess... Can anyone shed some light on the subject? Does anyone else understand how I feel? Am I justified in not feeling ready to call my mom? Thanks for listening.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Sexual Health and Reproduction category?
Maybe give some free advice about: General Sex Questions?
I agree with advice man that your family is totally lacking in knowledge of what depression is, how to handle it. A good doctor will know that it is important to not just see the patient but meet and talk to the rest of the family. Your mom isn't the only parent to have to deal with the stress of a clinically depressed child. I have one too and she has a child and has gone off the map, cutting herself off from all family with no way to know where she's at. My stress could be the worry of how my grandchild is fairing. All I can do is pray. And I agree, Mom has other stresses besides you but she's not doing well at handling them emotionally and mentally and may have great need of a mental health professional herself.
All you can do for sure tho is get yourself in to see someone. You need someone to help you with these issues. I really think that in Moms current state, unseen or treated by a Dr. that you spending any time with her is only going to make you feel worse. With the little you've shared, as an outsider, I find it suspicious already that the parents are not together and a younger brother is unhappy enough to be in trouble and want to leave home the first chance he has. What does this say about Mom is he'd prefer a messed up girl to living under the same roof with mom. His problems may also be due to Mom. It may be more than just 'stress' issues for Mom. Those who grow up with a mentally ill parent have no idea that their parent has issues, what they see is what they believe to be normal when it may be far from it. Your mention of Mom in charge of most of sisters wedding could be a clue too. Did sister feel incapable of planning her own and having her own choices and wants for her wedding, so she gave the control of it over to Mom? So was this an unwanted responsibility Mom was forced to take on, or did Mom just decide to take charge, and make the choices for your sister and tell her hows its going to be. And sister, instead of standing up to mom, decided to be the passive one and give up and let Mom have her own way. If so,and there is some truth to this wild guess of mine, then your sister either is in fear of mom and trys to stay on her good side by giving control to her, not knowing how to stand up to her. So the sooner you get yourself in to see a Dr. the sooner you might get a Drs request to the parents to have them come in to hear what he/shes discovered about you, and I'd make sure that invite goes out to your sister too as she may have emotional issues at the very least and certainly no more understanding of depression herself. And a good Dr. will ask to see each of them at least once privately if they suspect and problems with other family members. When my husbands parents had marriage issues and got a counselor, the counselor asked to meet with each of the three kids separately. When my husbands turn came, the counselor was impressed with my husbands intelligence for a highly functioning autistic and decided to become his mentor for free at a time when little was known about autism. You need some support right now and your family looks least likely, but a mental health doctor is the most likely. If you have a church, I would go talk to the pastor about your living situation to find something really stable and stress free for you.
]
I too have suffered from clinical depression and know how hard it is on you because those around you who love you cannot fully understand the problem. The weird thing about clinical depression is that it is not anything like manic depression with the ultra high and ultra lows which people seem to understand better.
Clinical depression is stress related. stress causes pain, pain causes depression and depression causes stress. It a cycle as you know. Those of us that suffer with this do not need additional outside stress. Yet that's what we get most of the time.
I don't have any magic answer for you other than if you are not in therapy you need to get back into therapy. You need a good therapist to help you work through stress and help you deal with all of this. If you are not on any medications then you should discuss what is going on with a board Certified psychiatrist to see if medication will help.
With the help of an antidepressant and therapy I believe the stress can be relieved and things will be cleared and easier dealt with. Talk with your therapist about bring mom and your step-dad into a therapy session and have your therapist explain what YOU want them to know about Clinical Depression as it appears they are woefully ignorant of this illness.
My wife works in the mental health field though not a clinician. She thought she knew what she needed to know about clinical depression. While she knew more than most she was still sadly deficient in what she knew. My therapist talked me in to allowing her and my son come to a therapy session. They thought they were coming to talk about their problems with me and they did. Then she turned on them and told them how their problems with me were working against me. They both apologized and even though my son who was also diagnosed with clinical depression his was totally different then mine.
I'm now in recovery and my wife now also knows what to look for so I don't regress back. It is totally up to you to invite you parents into a therapy session as they are your sessions. For me it was the right thing to do.
My advice in short is: Get back into therapy. Talk to your therapist about family counseling. Talk to a Board Certified Psychiatrist about medication. IF your on medication it may need to be changed or if not on medication I'm sure the doctor will offer you something that will help.
Most importantly you have to put you first. Don't be so hard on yourself and lean on your therapist for help. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. With hard work and the help of your therapist you can get there.
]
I think you are doing a great job holding yourself together. Of course you are angry with your mom and your sister. They just made your life way more difficult in ways they should have realized would be way more difficult than it needed to be. You are also being really reasonable and respectful to recognize all the different stress and troubles they are facing - even though that can't entirely excuse their lousy behaviour towards you.
You aren't starting over. You clearly have made incredible strides in learning how to care for yourself and how to tackle your own problematic thinking! Your family fucked up and created challenges for you, but they didn't send you back to square one. Square one was lying in the hospital overwhelmed by these feelings. You're still making huge progress and you should be really proud of yourself, even if no one else is giving you the praise you deserve.
It's okay not to be ready to speak to your mom. You might try talking to your dad about whatever it is he is afraid of. Like, if he is afraid that you are never going to speak to her again, or that you'll hate her forever, you can share with him that although you are really angry and disappointed with her now, you don't plan on hating her forever. If he thinks you owe it to her to contact her for her own sake, you can remind him that she has a network of people to care for her, and that your most important job right now is taking care of yourself. You can't be giving your mother support at the risk of your own health and sanity right now. Just stand strong with your dad, but appreciate where is he coming from, at the same time as knowing you get to make the final decision about any contact you have with your mom.
Keep doing what you are doing. Lord knows things could be way easier, but you are making progress and should be proud of yourself. Just because your family is too caught up in their own shit to recognize it, doesn't mean you aren't doing really well.
]
More Questions: |