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I'm lost as to what to do with my future
I'm currently in my first semester of sophomore year in college and I feel like I'm not doing anything important or that I like. I got into the Geology program at first but missed my artistic side so I changed to the English program but was left yearning for more. If it were by me I'd be studying in the US for something like Film, Directing, Animation, or Dance. I wish I could go into the acting business, but I don't have enough experience to get into any acting program or school, barely a few minor roles in school acts (if you can call them that). I sort of far-fetched dream of mine is to work for Disney either as an actress or animator, but I have no idea where to start. Plus I'm pretty sure I have some sort of mental condition (among depression or bipolar disorder, I would say) but every time I try to bring up the topic with my mother I feel awkward about saying it and actually feel bad about it - like I'm just putting another burden on her or that it will make her feel bad that I'd been lying all the times I talked to her on the phone about how great everything was going for me and how happy I felt here. I feel unmotivated and worthless sometimes, which drives me into this tiny shell and I refuse to come out. I feel extremely bad about this, but sometimes I even think about suicide. Its not something I'm proud of, but everyday just feels like a drag and I start wondering how I could do it - how I could take my life. Then instantly, regret and guilt come right at me because I know that life is precious, but sometimes... I don't know, I guess I feel like no one really cares nor needs me. My family doesn't need me for anything, most of the friends I have don't really help me when I need the help whilst I help them whenever I can, I've never had a boyfriend and sometimes I doubt my sex appeal to men, and I'm basically a nobody. I could probably die and no one would really care. So that makes me wonder... why even care about college? Why care about the future? Its not like there's anything waiting for me.
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First and foremost, you need to think about your safety. How would you kill yourself? Remove any dangerous objects and get yourself away from any dangerous locations. Next, get the number of a crisis line in your area. These phone lines are a confidential way of asking for help. Use these phone lines when you are feeling suicidal. Also, think of safe people you can spend time with when you are feeling down. Do you have any friends or family you can call? Finally, remember you can always call 911 in cases of an emergency.
As far as no one needing you, that may or may not be true right now , but chances are there is somebody you will meet in the future. Give yourself the chance to find that person.
As far as college goes, take it one day at a time. Pick your courses based on what you are interested in. Take a smaller workload if you feel over worked, but work hard at the courses you have signed up for. Genuine interests will develop when you focus on learning. You don't have to decide anything right now.
Oh and of course, for a quick pick me up, I recommend chocolate, bubble baths and shopping.
Kissy kissy,
Miss Piggy
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You say you would like to study in the US. You use terms that make me feel you may live in Canada. Canada has National Health. I do not believe you need you mother's permission to see a doctor now that you are of age and in college.
From what you write you may very well have some form of depression. As long as it goes untreated you are going to have the problems you write about with school and a career as it is the depression clouding you thinking.
Most colleges have a Clinic or some form of medical center. I suggest you go there and ask to be screened for depression. Tell them about the suicidal thoughts as it is important. If your school does not have a clinic go to the nearest hospital and ask for help, again asking for screening for depression because of suicidal thoughts.
Should you have more suicidal thoughts before you see a doctor. Canada has a 911 system. Call 911 and ask for help.
I have suffered with Clinical Depression which may be what you are suffering with. It is easily dealt with as it is hormonal in nature and medication does help along with talk therapy to get at the root cause of the stress causing the depression.
Once the fog and the distorted perception depression causes you will see things differently and you will have a better self-image. should you still need help with career choice at that time write back and I or anyone else will be happy to help you
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There's a few things you mentioned that could be signs of depression. Whether theres any other disorder, only a Dr. can diagnos. However, not going to a doctor or bringing it up to those who can help, is not going to make any conditions like that eventually fade away and disappear like going through a phase. These things are not phases and don't get better on their own untreated. I should know, my ex and eldest daughter suffer mental illness and depression respectively. If as a student you are still on parents medical insurance, or whether you have your own, you need to see a Dr. first. All the other things you worry about, a future, what profession to go after, having a boyfriend, will all fall into place in time if your emotions and mind are not struggling any longer with depression or illness. It may seem impossible to reach any goals that would bring you happiness. But it can look so much different when coming from the perspectives of a healthier disposition.
I would encourage you to let at least Mom know what you struggle with. My own daughter kept it a secret as a teen of 15 or so. I didn't find out until after the birth of her child when post partum depression hit her on top of the clinical depression she's had for years and she could no longer hide it as she was scared she might kill herself or the baby, it was that bad. I made sure she got to see a Dr. immediately and encouraged her to stick with treatment. Its hard to go something like this alone, seeking Drs. help and sticking with the program and its much easier if a parent is there beside you to lend at least encouragement along the way. I truly wish my daughter had told me earlier. I feel robbed of the chance to have helped her at the early age of dealing with depression. Until you're a mom you wont know the special bond and strength of a mothers love and how there's that need to make sure your child is always doing okay. I have grown daughters now and that need is still there to want them to be doing okay and be happy and there are times they still come to me for encouraging words or just love and hugs when there is nothing that can be done to change a situation. Tell Mom dear. And make an appt with the Dr.
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