Wow, the friends with benefits or in your case neighbor with benefits is not working for you if it is depressing you. The sex is just a distraction, but leaves you feeling worse every time. Stop it. Tell him that "love thy neighbor" is not loosely translated "boink thy neighbor" and that he should find spiritual awakenings with someone else. Now for the really important stuff. YOU. You have the right to be honest with people, without having to fully explain yourself or give them all the horny details. You have the right to say no to this guy who is at your door and in your bed because you have become his easy convenience....ouch! Pull up the doormat, close your legs, and tell your friends, if they really are your friends, that the two of you are done.

He says he has no choice and you say you would not make him choose...hmmm...you are both wrong. We all have choices and we can only make them for ourselves, not for anyone else. He has already made his choice for now. You need to respect that. You do have the right to choose what is now best for you. Stick by your man or be honest and tell him you need someone who has a lot more time for you. Just don't try to whine or demand or annoy him into doing what you want, because he will resent you and you will regret it. There is no right or wrong here, but sometimes people need different things. Is he worth your patience?

Besides the fact that the truth usually finds a way of leaking out sooner or later? Okay, the harm is considerable for all involved by choice or because they are victims of your selfishness. Sex will not make your "love" for one another more powerful, it will cheapen it. He wants to use you and you have been stupid enough to buy his crap. You are young, but old enough to avoid making this mistake if you can get a grip. Women attach emotion with sex and you think you will be closer to him through sex. It will not mean the same thing to him...not even close. A wife is not a thing. This woman who you have been already hurting by fooling around physically as well as manipulating by stealing time and attention from the relationship is going to know and probably already knows that something is very wrong. You are not to blame for their troubles...every relationship has them. You are not to blame for this guy's selfishness and cowardice. You are to blame for allowing yourself to be someone's sloppy seconds and pretend it is glamorous or romantic. You start down this path of settling for trash and the smell will follow you around.

If she is really smart, you just won't. Why should she get back with you? The only chance you have is to do whatever it takes and not give up...but it is not up to you, it is up to her. Why do you need promise rings? Did you intend to keep your promise or just use it to keep her safe in your control and away from other guys? It clearly does not mean anything to you, so don't lie to yourself or her again. Stop thinking about what you have lost and think about what you gave up. There is a difference and it is about choices. You have a lot of growing up to do and that is okay. The way to avoid breaking someone's heart is to not lie to them or promise what you are not ready and able to deliver. You made a mistake, and I don't think you are a bad person, but you alone are responsible for the deception. Apologize with sincerity and ask for nothing in return. Look up the word integrity and start living it.

I love it! "just give me some proof."
Is there such a thing as love or puppies or drama or expectation or Disneyland? Prove it! Think about how you would go about proving any of those things...it's all about experience isn't it. Experience is what we have in life and little else and that is how we come to know anything for ourselves, even the concept of God. No one can taste the apple for you. Why do you think God would put that tree of knowledge of good and bad right in the garden with the tree of life? They go together and cannot be separated. Whether you think of the Bible as literal or not, start with your own grasp of reality and then keep stretching your mind until you realize how small and wonderful it is to be human.

I gave you advice. The answers are all around you and in my advice if you had ears. You "just wanted verses" and already got them from previous advicenators, so I went out of my way to do more. You are welcome, and though numbers here are absolutely meaningless, the point that you took nothing from my advice will be visited upon you in the future. Good Luck anyway.
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What will you get out of the arguement whether or not you win the debate? Just wondering...anyway, even if you have the verses, the historical context and sociology of the time would have to be considered in the interpretation. The pharisees argued, the greeks argued...Hell, maybe the most religious thing one can do on the Sabbath is to fight with your neighbor about the rights and wrongs of biblical meanings and applications. There are a ton of rules and regulations in the N.T. that have more to do with constructing the new Christian society, and less to do with pleasing God. Humans get so distracted from the point...its like parenting in the everyday. All these rules we make up to try to protect our little treasures and keep out the thieves, and in the end we realize that we have only robbed ourselves of the time we should have spent adoring them.

Seek and you will find...but don't stop finding. Answers are subjective, changing and rearranging. They will tell you God is not changing and that they have all the info. you need, but they are rationalizing and trying too hard. The idea of God is all they can give you, and everyone has different ideas about even the simplest thing, like vanilla ice-cream. There are "facts" about vanilla ice-cream, and opinions, but they are all about different vanilla ice-cream experiences and truths. How you feel and think about vanilla ice-cream and God is your business alone, and you are not going to Hell if you don't experience something the same as someone else. Are you sure you don't want to know the meaning of life, too? Your parents are taking you to church out of guilt...the reason most people go anyway. You need to keep your head and not throw away all your critical thinking skills. Faith can be a good thing, as long as you don't get into a groupthink mentality and start pretending you know everything just because you are around people under the same self-delusions.

You are resposible for letting him know what does and does not feel good in your body. There are many ways to do what may appear to him as just one way, so you need to educate him. Even if you are less experienced sexually, you are the one with the vagina and only you know what is pleasant to you and what is not. He needs to listen to you and he will, but only if you speak up. Before you get intimate again, talk to him and let him know that you will be guiding him with your own hands and words. Mostly he should appreciate the feedback and training and just be glad that you are letting him learn how to please you.

Update...There are forces in society and from upbringing that have unseen workings in our lives and decisions and sometimes it takes years to begin to realize the roles that others play in directing what we think are our own life decisions. Just give yourself room to breathe and grow in this relationship, but more importantly in your own being. Your intentions are golden, but the reality of young love is that it is a fragile painting. Beautiful to look at in the moment, but unlikely to last as long as the wall that holds it up. No matter what happens, keep painting. You are the one who holds the brush, not a character in this painting. Keep painting...


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This is not about the physical act of sex as much as it is about your emotional state. I am glad you know that you need to be relaxed, but it could be more than that. Are you worried about the decision you made to marry so young? That is a ton of pressure...being a virgin, married young, etc. Are you in love...deeply and totally? Most people have sex before they are ready whether they are married or not and being married does not automatically make you ready for sex. If you have not consummated the marriage you can get it annulled if you have doubts. Marriage should not be forced or feel forced, but many times it is when you grow up in a conservative and religious environment that condemns sex outside of marriage and promotes early marrriage to lessen the risk of sex before marriage. It is one of the worst reasons to promote marriage to the young, because it will usually end badly for both partners. If you are determined to stay married and work this out, then give yourself time with the intimacy and sexual union to occur naturally. Nothing should be forced by him or you. You are a wife, but you are a very young woman who may not be ready for all that it means. Losing your virginity is a one time deal and it needs to be on your own terms and no one elses.

Have you talked with her about the flirting and how it makes you feel? If you have not told her directly, then she will most likely continue to flirt and you will continue to fester. I'd hate to see you lose this friendship of four years over some silly flirting about a guy you will both forget about a few months from now. If you talk to her and ask her to give it a rest and she does not want to, then you still have a choice. You could let your pride go and give her your blessing to go for this guy and move on with your own life and onto dating other guys. It may hurt your feelings, but unless this girl is really not who you know her to be, she is not liking him to spite you. It is tacky to make a move on a guy your friend just split with, but some girls are tacky...it does not make them evil, just a bit selfish. No one is perfect, so try to see it for the immature thing it is and nothing worse.

What the hell does search himself mean? Seriously, it may mean he is afraid to commit or just not with you. Pressure him and you will drive him further away, but don't wait around for someone that is going to toy with you. Your problem is that you have given up your power. Everything in your future is hanging on what his next move is...am I right? He has been monopolizing you by coming and going and interrupting your moving on without him and you have allowed it. It does not "hurt" him, just his pride, that you can date or breathe without his permission. You need to quit being his bitch, and start being your own woman. Thirty is too old not to get yourself together without a man's approval.

Sorry this took so long to get back to you. I was away. Okay, this is very complex since there are so many lives intertwined and only two adults making the decisions here...or are there? Who is making the decisions? A marriage is a team of only two adults who must provide stable leadership for the others in the family who are unable to do so. This is not about being right or wrong, but about making this situation work for all of you. Perfection does not exist and you need to let go of the ideals that you are judging yourself for not being able to model for your kids. You were attracted to your wife because she is different than you and adds an amount of liberation to your conservative way of thinking. Together you are balanced and complete. Whether or not these kids are blood related, they are all your kids and should be considered the same in that respect. Of course, this is the difficult irony, because no kids in any family are really the same and must be treated with individual attention. You are fearful of the future and this creates anger over the way your wife deals with problems. Fear and strength will not occur at the same time, and you will not be respected until you give up the fear and take hold of your strength. Strength comes from knowing you are making a good choice and following through. Then you will respect yourself and this will encourage the respect of others. Your wife has fears also, so talk to her about them and come to an agreement on how to lay down rules and restrictions as well as rewards and consequences for all the children. Do not let these children drive a wedge inbetween you and your wife. Take back control of your family with a gentle confidence and loving spirit. You will gain respect as you lessen the tension between you and your wife. Learn what you can from your wife about the positive things she does with her girls and let her be a mom to your boys. They need her even if she is not perfect. You are also needed and will be appreciated whether or not it appears so now. Parenting in your situation is an overwhelming job of constant challenges, so don't sweat the BIG stuff. In the end the kids will hang on to the examples you set in your personality and daily involvement in the seemingly unimportant matters. Get along and focus on becoming more one with your wife. Everyone will benefit from this unification.

Not knowing you, your age or pretty much anything about your background, I will have limited advice. However, this is the kind of general information that anyone can benefit from following. 1. Know that everyone including you, has "issues" and don't let that discourage you from being involved in society. 2. Given a choice to love or not, choose to love. 3. Love is about giving, not taking, so practice being a giver...incidentally, you will find more happiness in giving AND find yourself receiving more from those around you once you know how to give to others freely. 4. If you suffer from depression, it only means you are human. If it is chronic, meaning it won't go away on its own, then get help from a doctor and or counselor. It is nothing to be ashamed of. 5. None of us knows the future or can avoid risks without avoiding life altogether. Life and anything worth while has risks and prices involved. Work to become who you want to be and let the rest go. Remember this quote, "Life is a journey, Not a destination."

You know that if you don't kiss him you will regret it, so go for it. No strings attached, just a kiss. Enjoy it for goodness sake! Don't wait too long, in case he loses his nerve...it is okay to go for it if the moment feels right. This has nothing to do with the future or relationships, just be in the moment...these moments don't last forever or come around everyday you know. Someday you will be an old woman...hopefully with some excellent memories!

Sexy is a subjective description and varies at great length depending upon who and what you are talking about. The problem with trying to be a generic sense of sexy that will appeal to the masses at large, is that you will be setting out bait for men you don't want hooked. Get it? Be selective and attract fewer more quality guys that actually appeal to your specific tastes. You already are sexy, and just need to develop your confidence and sense of identity. If the nasty talk was bothering you and was a sign of the immaturity you have no interest in, then don't sweat it that you were ignored. Of course, if you want to be a part of a discussion or give your opinions, then speak up for goodness sake! You are a catch, but some guys would rather eat worms. Let them, and save your goodies for a man worth your time. Boys you have been hanging around with are most likely not going to impress you. All of us do put out a vibe about who we believe we are and what we want to attract...what a smart girl you are to realize that this is within your power. You do have the power and control to establish yourself as whoever you desire to be and when you can confidently present yourself as the woman you are becoming, then the appropriate men will notice and you will be irresistable to them. A word of caution...a confident woman is a threat to boys, so be prepared to get some static from the ones that can't handle you...then again, this makes it easier to step over them and get on the path to better.

Honesty is the best policy. Of course, it would not hurt to remember that you do not have to disclose all your feelings, intentions and history in one sitting. Keep it simple, real and casual. They will probably think it is cute, so as long as you don't act like a perv. you should be fine.

Actually some social work jobs pay quite a bit if you advance. I know many women that work for state government social work agencies that have awesome medical benefits as well as regular advancement opportunities, raises in pay, good vacation etc...Never blow off doing what you love just because you think you would be happy in a less inspiring career that might make more. That can easily backfire and leave you miserable and yearning for more. Read this book...Do What You Love and the Money Will Follow.

Maybe you need to try something new? Women of all ages can lose interest in sex if it is the same routine and partner. Forget what you have been doing and try a new approach, a new place, a new position, anything you and your partner think would be fun. Remember when it was new and exciting? That is because it was new and exciting! Buy something sexy..to wear, or taste or feel or whatever..lots of online places to shop that will deliver in discreet plain boxes. Change the pace, the routine, the whatever has made it regular for the last 14 years and begin...again!

Perhaps, but I think you need to ask yourself another question. Should it last? It may be a great time to set each other free to date other people and enjoy highschool without a commitment that could lead to later resentments even if it does last. Besides, chances are that it will not and you will end up hurt. Unless HE is really showing you that he wants to stay together and telling you that he will be faithful, I would let it go for now. You can always pick up your relationship at a later time after being apart to test the waters.

A verbal apology is a great start. You may have to prove over time that you are sincere and trustworthy for them to accept it. Some people need space and time to mend. We have all been hurt and have hurt others...no one is perfect. Try to let your actions speak for themselves now.

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. To say something you value deeply to another and to have him or her value it equally by listening to it carefully and apppreciatively is the most universal way of exchanging social interest or demonstrating affection." David Augsburger, CARING ENOUGH TO HEAR AND BE HEARD.


All sincere persons will be given thoughtful examination and reply. Please be specific about your situation as it applies to your question, the applicable information and facts necessary for me to properly assess your situation and give you the benefit of my knowledge and experience, which includes: experience/education with mentoring, relationship study, self help, spirituality, poetry, literature, philosophy, psychology, color theory, teaching, parenting, and debate that will be used to your advantage. I am concerned with offering an objective and realistic perspective more than ratings, because this will help YOU. Artificial sweetness is found in diet soda, not in my advice. If you feel that I did not understand your question or need more specifics to help, please let me know, but while all truth is subjective, questioners should be mature enough to hear answers not necessarily agreed with. If you are only looking for someone to tell you just what you want to hear, then you may not be ready for my advice. I believe in personal responsibility, self and other awareness and your power and ability to recreate and redirect your own life. All our misery and joy begins and ends within ourselves, but our willingness to be open can bring the positive or negative energy we seek. If you or someone you know is open to positive help, the resources and caring individuals needed are available now.

http://www.coolnurse.com/

http://www.4woman.gov/violence/

http://www.childhelpusa.org/about/programs-and-services/childhelp-national-child-abuse-hotline-1-800-4-a-child

drug/alcohol abuse help go here: http://www.4drugabuse.com/addiction-treatment.html

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/1800-273-TALK(8255)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. If you need help, please dial 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You will be routed to the closest possible crisis center in your area. With over 120 crisis centers across the country, our mission is to provide immediate assistance to anyone seeking mental health services. Call for yourself, or someone you care about. Your call is free and confidential. -----------------------------------

http://www.kidscrisis.com/

http://www.teenadviceonline.org/gethelp/numbers.html

You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline, operated by RAINN, 24 hours a day, free & confidential. 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

For info. on birth control etc.
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

The Girls and Boys Town National Hotline is the only hotline that children and parents can call with any problem at any time:
Open 24-hours a day, every day at 1-800-448-3000

Spanish-speaking counselors available; translation services for 100+ languages

TTY line available for the hearing-impaired at 1-800-448-1833

Counselors can help find services and agencies in the callers' local community

Help at the End of the Line
Callers talk to highly-trained, professional counselors who listen and give "right now" answers. They're sympathetic people who have expertise dealing with these and other problems:

depression

suicide

running away

parenting problems

relationship concerns

physical, sexual, and emotional abuse

chemical dependency

mental health

anger

aggressive behavior

Toll Free
Operated by Father Flanagan's Boys' Home, hotline services are free of charge to every parent and child in all 50 states, the District of Columbia, U.S. territories, and Canada.

Toll-Free: 1-800-448-3000

http://www.sex-ed101.org/links.html

http://www.anorexicweb.com/anorexicweb.html

Report Child Abuse
Childhelp USA National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD TDD: 1-800-2-A-CHILD



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All our motivations stem from two: Love or Fear. When in turmoil or indecision, ask yourself from which of these you are acting. If you want an honest response outside of yourself, you need to first be honest within yourself. Bless you on your journey!

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