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Step Family
I am 42 and I just recently got married to a woman I have known my entire life but we both got married to other people shortly after high school. She has three teenage daughters Sam is 19 Meagan is 18 and Audree is 16. Their father left them shortly after my wife had her youngest daughter and so she has raised them all by herself. They have always been pretty affluent because my wife's family has quite a bit of money and she is a magazine editor. She lets the girls get away with murder and they get everything rthey could possibly even dream of wanting. I have a very big issue with this since my three sons (19 18 aand 17) are expected to follow very strict rules. I was in the army for several years and my children are expected to abide by my rules or face the consequences.
The girls however are completely out of control, especially the youngest one, Audree. My wife and i both agreed on a curfew for the all six kids when they moved in. She convinced me to change the curfew of my sons to be midnight for all of the kids. I agreed but with hesitation. Like always before my kids have always gotten here on time or before their curfew while her daughters completely disregard the rules. For example, Audree was late for curfew 4 times out of the 7 days last week. My wife didn't even talk to her about it. When i confronted her al she said was "She is only 16. I think we should just let her live her life." I found out the other day that her girls have never been grounded, never had acurfew, and are very open about teh fact that they go to parties and drink. Sam has gotten in 4 accidents since she has lived here, and Meagan has her boyrfriend over all the time without supervision, all things i dont tolerate from my own kids. Audree came home in tears the other night because she got a ticket for driving 19 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT! My wife just hugged her and tried to calm ehr down the entire night and i never heard a single word about the ticket, which i had to pay for sicne none of her kids have jobs. I almost feel as if she is condoning this outrageous behavior since she never repremands her kids. I don't know how to explain to my kids about thsi double standard in our house but i feel like i can't interfere quite yet with her disiplining (or lack there of)since i am not their real father and have only been in their lives for 3 years. I just don't know how much more of this disrepect i can take from them. They are beautiful girlsand i love them like my own. I wish i could treat them this way though. I feel like i owe it to them to lay down the law and punsih them for things like curfew and partying and bad grades but i dont know if it will just put more stress on our relationship that could eventually cause tension between my wife and I. How should i handle this?
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Compromize with your wife. I agree with you 100% of the way. Those girls do need to be punished for the bad stuff in their lives. If they arent now then they will have a rude awakenig when they get older and find out that the world doesnt revolve around them. No 16 yearold should stay out till midnight let alone drink at parties. This kind of behavior can exploit her to sex, drugs, and stuff that will destroy her life. You are entitled to enforce rules because you are their stepfather. They should respect you even if they dont like it. They need to learn that they can not walk all over people including their own mother which it seems like they have her wrapped around their little fingers.
You need to talk to your wife and let her know that you will not go on with this "no rules" system until one of your stepdaughters gets into serious trouble. You sound like you really care about them and their well being so dont let this subject go untouched because of fear of stress. Eventually they will thank you for enforcing tough but much needed diciplin on them. You dont want them to end up like Lindsay Lohan and in rehab every two days. You need to start putting your foot down reguardless if they like it or not because someone has to be the bad guy in this situation and it just doesnt seem like your wife is going to choose to be it.
~AdviceGirl123
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Sorry this took so long to get back to you. I was away. Okay, this is very complex since there are so many lives intertwined and only two adults making the decisions here...or are there? Who is making the decisions? A marriage is a team of only two adults who must provide stable leadership for the others in the family who are unable to do so. This is not about being right or wrong, but about making this situation work for all of you. Perfection does not exist and you need to let go of the ideals that you are judging yourself for not being able to model for your kids. You were attracted to your wife because she is different than you and adds an amount of liberation to your conservative way of thinking. Together you are balanced and complete. Whether or not these kids are blood related, they are all your kids and should be considered the same in that respect. Of course, this is the difficult irony, because no kids in any family are really the same and must be treated with individual attention. You are fearful of the future and this creates anger over the way your wife deals with problems. Fear and strength will not occur at the same time, and you will not be respected until you give up the fear and take hold of your strength. Strength comes from knowing you are making a good choice and following through. Then you will respect yourself and this will encourage the respect of others. Your wife has fears also, so talk to her about them and come to an agreement on how to lay down rules and restrictions as well as rewards and consequences for all the children. Do not let these children drive a wedge inbetween you and your wife. Take back control of your family with a gentle confidence and loving spirit. You will gain respect as you lessen the tension between you and your wife. Learn what you can from your wife about the positive things she does with her girls and let her be a mom to your boys. They need her even if she is not perfect. You are also needed and will be appreciated whether or not it appears so now. Parenting in your situation is an overwhelming job of constant challenges, so don't sweat the BIG stuff. In the end the kids will hang on to the examples you set in your personality and daily involvement in the seemingly unimportant matters. Get along and focus on becoming more one with your wife. Everyone will benefit from this unification.
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You are in a very difficult position and I can understand your frustration regarding this. However, they are her daughters and it will be difficult to change a lifetime of upbringing. You really need to have a talk with your wife and then call a family conference and try and work out some ground rules for all of you. Listen to the children have their say and then they must listen to you and your wife. Explain how uncomfortable you are feeling because of these double standards and then suggest a few ways in which you could all work together on this. It is also highly likely that it won't go down well with your step-daughters and at 19 and 18,the oldest girls may well ignore you completely as they are now classed as young adults. The youngest however, should learn to respect a few rules. Please don't start laying down the law because that will not help at all. It would be better if you could explain why there are rules in place - for instance if they are late - you could be forgiven for thinking they had had an accident or been assaulted and needed help and if they were over curfew then you had good reason to go looking for them to offer help. But because it is a frequent occurence, should the worst happen, you would not be aware that something was wrong and wouldn't go looking to help out. You need to handle this all with kid gloves and try using a little psychology to help them understand your point of view. The biggest hurdle I think is getting your wife to agree to some major changes. If you present a united front change will happen, albeit slowly. Don't allow the girls to play you off against each other once you have agreed to the rules. I wish you all the very best with this problem and hope that I have been of some help.
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I'm only 15 years old, but I'll try to answer this the best I can.
You should sit down with your wife sometime and just tell her how you feel about the situation. Then tell her there needs to be rules, and punishments if the rules aren't followed. The reason the girls do whatever they want is because they know they won't get into trouble.
My mom is the same way with my sister (she's 20 years old) as your wife is with her daughters. My mom always tells her that if she doesn't do something then she'll take away her cellphone, car, or computer. Then when my sister doesn't do it, my mom just keeps saying she's gonna take something away, but she never does. My sister knows that she won't stick to her word, so she rebels. But there was one time when my sister got her car and cellphone taken away, and she ended up obeying my mom.
I'm pretty sure if you and your wife can agree on the rules and punishments, then things should get better. You'll just have to make sure that your wife follows through with them.
Hope I helped, and good luck.
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Those girls sound totally out of control and your very right to think you should lay down the law. They've obviously had no fatherly guidence in their life and need a firmer hand then their mother who seems to be a bit sympathetic to her daughters for their fathers 'disappearence'. Confront your wife first and tell her the girls have gotten way out of hand. You need to tell her like you tell your sons whats going on. They are in serious situations and could get themselves killed for speeding and all that drinking. Tell your wife this and if she doesn't listen and fix thuings that doesn't sound like a good mother or wife. I hoped I helped and also I hope that all goes well with your family:) Good wishes to you:)
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i see three choices.
1. you keep dealing with it as you are knowing that at least you are teaching your sons that life isn't fair.
2. you convene a family meeting with everyone(including the wife), you post the rules, you post the punishments for breaking the rules, in advance, then the next time a rule is broken you enforce the punishment. If they get upset, you just calmly state that it would be unfair to (name of rule follower) if you didn't enforce the punishment on (rule breaker). then be prepared for the confrontation with the wife you've been avoiding.
3rd choice(recommended)
Print this question you have posted here out. including my responses. Hand it to your wife and state you honestly think that nothing bad has happened to your step daughters so far in their lives due to an unbelievable lucky streak and that you're afraid of them coming to harm due to poor judgement and not knowing the simple life lesson that life can have major consequences if you never learn to follow rules and laws.
On the other hand there is one more thing to think about, two of your sons are over 18, one is almost 18, which in effect means they really don't have to listen to you if they don't want to. I lived under very strict parental conditions till I was 19 and then I basically moved out and started doing what I wanted to do. You should be prepared for this to happen to you in the near future and when one of your sons breaks free, if it happens to be the oldest you can bet the other two arent going to wait till they are the same respective age so it will likely hit you like an avalanche.
Remember that you married the woman, not her children and that in three years (when sixteen yr old girl is over 18) you can have a midlife crisis and throw all the kids out on their adult age butts and say. I'm done!! then take your wife on a nice long vacation.
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It is a very difficult situation which you will have to handle very carefully, but you will have to handle it because otherwise it could easily tear the two of you apart.
I think that there needs to be a certain amount of compromise on both sides. She seems to have no control at all over her kids, and doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with that, while you seem to me to control your kids a bit too much (just my opinion).
I have always thought that the key to a good lasting relationship is communication. You need to talk to your wife and lay out your problems and feelings in a calm way without making her feel that you are in any way critising her parenting abilities. She may not realise the effect the way she deals with her kids has on you. What you also need to do is offer some kind of middle ground solution to dealing with the kids so that both of you and all of them feel the treatment is fair and equal.
I hope that things work out for you all and that my answer has been of some help.
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Well thanks for leaving me a question. I am sorry that you didn't leave your name though. Since you are an adult, I would like to address you by your name. I call the young kids honey but doesn't seem right in this case.
I am sorry for your problems too. This is a very big dilemma. First let me start by saying that I would be considered by most to be a lax mom. But I trust my two boys so I don't give them a lot of rules. They have proven to be trustworthy, and I usually know where they both are. I KNOW that they do not drink or take drugs. Both are against it. They have never gotten tickets. They drive responsibly. Are employed. In other words, they are growing into responsibe young men. I always hear good things about them from teachers and employers. I am sure it is like that also with your boys.
I can tell you this, if your wife were my friend, I would have told her a long time ago that she was asking for trouble by not dicipling those girls. Girls are tough and personally, I am glad that I had boys. As you know, girls can get in trouble and be left holding the bag and she and her parents (in this case you and your wife) have to deal with the problems. Your wife is not being realistic about raising these girls. By indulging their every whim, they will grow up to believe that life will always give them what they want. And you and I both know that this is not true. (Hey if there is a place were we can go and get all that we want, I'm going first!Right!)
When the girls act whiney and spoiled and have a fit when they don't get their own way ...friends will dump them, so will boyfriends, marriages won't last, and God forbid they have kids and raise more whiney brats just like themselves. And guess who will be stuck taking care of them, you guys, of course. The girls are already making poor decisions, and not having to suffer the consequences of their poor decisions, means that they are not learing from their mistakes. And the way things are going, they are going to be making some big ones. Going to parties and drinking is just asking for trouble today. I can;t tell you how many times on this website I have advised girls who did just that, and woke up next day, no clothes on, and have no idea what happened, who they were with, and whether or not they are pregnant, or still virgins, etc, etc. And they don't want to tell anyone, they just want to forget. Hopefully they can.
Listen you already know all of this. I am not helping you by confirming your worst fears. But I want you to know that I am on your side, but mostly I am on the side of those boys. While I am worried about the girls, you are the parent that is asking for advice, so I can only help you.
I was in this same spot, my second marriage which, I was sure was going to be forever, lasted less than 2 years. Why, for just about the same reasons. Bottom line was, that the marriage was not good for my boys, so I knew that I had to place their needs before my own.
Here is what I suggest. I think the two of you should go into therapy. IN front of a therapist, and faced with the possibility that her marriage (2nd one) could end, maybe she will agree to some rules at home that you and her can live with, and that your boys are used to, and that the girls will have to learn to live with. And I agree it is for their own good. (sounds so corney) I would find it hard to believe that a family therapist would condone your wife's child rearing practices. Maybe she can help her to see that her daughters are headed for heartaches and trouble that all the money in the world will not be able to get them out of. Or all the love.
You say that you do not want a divorce and well I would venture to guess that your wife does not want a second divorce either. So maybe she will be willing to go see a family therapist.
Your boys have to come first in your life. If you see this as being detrimental to their futures, you have to make the decision to leave. Can you stay married and just live apart for a while? Stranger things have happened. But still, for the rest of your lives, when your boys do good, you'll feel like to have to hide it, and when her girls make mistakes, you'll feel like you can't say anything. I wonder why none of this was obvious to you before you got married?
As a parent YOU are responsible for raising responsible, reliable and resourceful young men who respect themselves and other people. Who are honest, charitable, kind and generous. Your wife is responsble for the same things with the girls. I am sorry that she cannot see that, if you cannot help her to see that, then you must think of your boys first. I know that we love our spouses differently. It's romantic. And as parents, sposes, whatever, we are adults. We will pay the consequences of our actions. One way or the other. But kids, if they don't grow up responsibly, then the parents end up paying for their mistakes for many many many years.
There are so many things about your marriage and relationship within the household that I do not know, and will have a bearing on what your next step is. But if you really want to save this marriage and your boys, and the girls, then I think family therapy is in order.
I hope you can find a way to make that happen. It is worth a try. And it shows how much you do love all of them. Good luck to you. Please write again if you have more questions.
Michele.
RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
Ryan, raising girls is no different than raising boys. What would you have done different if you had three girls instead of three boys? You have the right idea. So go for it. It is very important that your wife back you up. You HAVE to show a united front. The girls will try to get between the two of you. You can count on their NOT LIKING the changes. And no you don't yell at them, you should never have to yell at them. That would mean that you lost control, which would mean that you don't have confidence in your rules and the reasons for them. You both have the upper hand if you choose to use it. You hold all the cards, you just have to be willing to put up with some whineing and complaining for a while.
So, no yelling. Stay calm and keep your word. Don't create punishments that you are not willing to follow through on. In other words don't say you are grounded for the whole summer, if you are not going to actually ground them for the whole summer. If a weekend is all YOU can tolerate then that is what you tell them. What I always tell my boys or tell myself, is you'll thank me for this when you are older And Ryan, you can count on that. It is going to be harder now, but it will be smooth sailing later, when they are mature and realize that you did it for their benefit. It takes time and patience. And count on this, as they get older, their mistakes can become very costly So you guys have to put an end to the impulsive behavior now. GEt each girl a copy of Dr. Laura Schlessingers book: Ten stupid things that girls to to mess up their lives. It is full of common sense. I have read that court judges make this required reading for girls who end up in court. Don't let your wife say you are being to hard. And Ryan, don't be too hard, be fair. And trust is very important. When they break the trust that you have for them, they have to earn it back. You both also have to be trust worthy, say what you mean and mean what you say, and do what you say, and say what you do.
I hope this helps further.
Michele
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That’s a really difficult situation you have found yourself in. It sounds as though your wife lacked guidance and discipline when she was growing up, and so never learnt how to dispense it. As well as this problem, if she was a one parent family with this lack of experience, she might have found if difficult to say no due to the ‘I hate you, you’ve ruined my life’ syndrome that children throw at their parents when they don’t get their own way. If she felt vulnerable and alone at the time, she may have felt her attempts to discipline her children, could have resulted in them not loving her and this may have been too much for her to cope with.
Obviously, she hasn’t done herself, (or you and your sons), any favours with this inaction, and it may be very difficult to bring the situation under control now.
I would suggest you need to speak to her first, alone, and ensure she fully understands the implications of her lack of discipline. Her daughters are at risk if they are out at all hours with you not knowing where they are. An inexperienced driver driving at that speed is a fatal accident waiting to happen. The fact that the eldest has already had four accidents should have set the alarm bells ringing. Drinking under age is not only against the law; it is putting their health and safety at risk. Boyfriends’ coming around whenever also puts her daughters in a vulnerable position. Rules are there because we love our children and care about their safety and wellbeing, not because we want to ruin their lives. You need to make her understand that fact.
If you can get her on side, you next need to tackle the girls. Try having a family conference where SHE says that the previous way of life has not done them any good. Explain that regardless of how invincible they may feel, the problems that they have already found themselves in would suggest otherwise. Get them to suggest their own curfews etc and punishments for breaking the rules, within certain boundaries set by you and their mother. Try to find out what happens to their friends if they break curfew or otherwise act in the same way. DO NOT pay for any more fines; allow them to take the consequences for their actions, whether it is a court appearance or getting a job to pay for it. Tough love is what is needed from now on. It certainly won’t be easy, there is likely to be tears, tantrums, threats of moving out and so on. But, you must make your wife understand that you both need to stick together on this and stay firm in your decisions. They really do need to understand that for every action there is a reaction and those reactions are starting to come back to them. Tell your boys what is happening; ask them to be patient as this could take a while. They sound like good kids, so they should be fine with this.
If you can influence a change of behaviour and attitude now, you’ll not only be saving them, you’ll be saving the next generation as well. You sound like a great dad and they are all lucky to have you. Let’s hope in the years to come, they will come to understand this and appreciate you for what you are now trying to do for them. I wish you the best luck, it isn't going to be easy, but the longer you leave it, the worse the situation is going to get. You need to put the brakes on before something really serious happens to those girls.
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