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HELP...
I just got married a month ago and I'm a virgin. My husband and I have been trying to have sex, but we can't. I think I might have vaginismus, maybe.
What I do know for sure is that I want to have sex, I want to consummate my marriage..I just can't.
we'll be lying together, hugging, kissing, and cuddling and then when it comes to him trying to go in, i tense up. i get really nervous and i can feel my muscles tensing up...but no matter how much i try to relax them i can't. and the idea of it hurting the first time is not helping. and i just need help and suggestions on what i should do.
has anyone else had this problem??
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have you tryed to think of something else that makes you happy?? because thats what i had to do when i had that problem
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The primary problem arising from waiting until marriage is simply that most people have a gradual progression of comfort towards being comfy enough to have sex with each others. This timetable can be sped up or in some cases eliminated by intoxicants (hence all the drunken 1 night stands so common in college) but Im guessing thats not what you want to go for. You guys stopped at some point before that level of comfort, and now youre proceeding again.
Two suggestions.
1) Keep trying
2) Dont stop, keep trying.
Seriously. Sex is a skill. Its learned behavior. You arent going to be perfect at it but if you stick with it you get past those alkward moments and start really enjoying it.
Other suggestions can be something along the lines of get him to work you up. Google has a wealth of information about things beyond cuddling and kissing. Oral, mutual masturbation, sexual conversation, sensual massage, external stimulation (vibrators, warming gels, clothing, and the like) there are many ways to approach it.
He needs to spend a little time getting you comfy. Reccomend you start with him giving you a back massage, turn over and let him massage your front and play with you a bit, maybe try a bit of oral, and then you should be wet and relaxed enough.
All women warm up, but some require more coaxing than others. You are probably of this type so just have him spend a little more time and dont give up yourself. Yes, its going to hurt a little bit. But its not that bad, you will fit him just fine, and you HAVE to get past that part to really be able to enjoy sexuality.
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Have you tried a sex therapist? There are people who specialize in this (some marriage counselors as well might be able to help).
They could probably give you much more helpful advice then we can since they deal with things like this all the time. They can give you specific pointers on how to relax, what to expect, deal with any fears you may have, etc.
I don't know what your financial situation is or if you have insurance that would cover it, but it's definitely worth looking into.
Meanwhile, do you have any girls close to you that know you well and can talk to at all? Friends? A cool aunt? Cousin?
Wish you the best, sorry that's all I can think of.
=)
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I'm really sorry to hear that you're having this problem. Specially considering that it has taken place after your marriage. I can imagine that you were waiting and saving yourself till marriage... and now a month later being unable to do it =/
But you'll be glad to know you're not the only one.....
There are a couple of things your husband could do. First of, one thing to always remember is to try and get as wet as possible....
Thats always a must.. otherwise even try getting a lubricant to help =) Also, get your husband to finger you and such, so you do get a little of the pleasure and start possibly relaxing and opening you up a little.
and little by little it'll help you relax and eventually being able to consummate your marriage =)
I'm not saying that it wont hurt, BUT, its not going to be that bad. At first it may sting a little, but afterwards you'll just be feeling pleasure =)
But do remember to be and get as wet as possible, so there there isn't much friction for entrance =)
Much luck!
VB
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Update...There are forces in society and from upbringing that have unseen workings in our lives and decisions and sometimes it takes years to begin to realize the roles that others play in directing what we think are our own life decisions. Just give yourself room to breathe and grow in this relationship, but more importantly in your own being. Your intentions are golden, but the reality of young love is that it is a fragile painting. Beautiful to look at in the moment, but unlikely to last as long as the wall that holds it up. No matter what happens, keep painting. You are the one who holds the brush, not a character in this painting. Keep painting...
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This is not about the physical act of sex as much as it is about your emotional state. I am glad you know that you need to be relaxed, but it could be more than that. Are you worried about the decision you made to marry so young? That is a ton of pressure...being a virgin, married young, etc. Are you in love...deeply and totally? Most people have sex before they are ready whether they are married or not and being married does not automatically make you ready for sex. If you have not consummated the marriage you can get it annulled if you have doubts. Marriage should not be forced or feel forced, but many times it is when you grow up in a conservative and religious environment that condemns sex outside of marriage and promotes early marrriage to lessen the risk of sex before marriage. It is one of the worst reasons to promote marriage to the young, because it will usually end badly for both partners. If you are determined to stay married and work this out, then give yourself time with the intimacy and sexual union to occur naturally. Nothing should be forced by him or you. You are a wife, but you are a very young woman who may not be ready for all that it means. Losing your virginity is a one time deal and it needs to be on your own terms and no one elses.
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