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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Alright, well, my girlfriend broke up with me, but says she wants to be friends, and that the reason she broke up with me was because she wasnt ready for a relationship yet she was the one that asked me out!!! To say the least Im confused and wondering if she is being real or if she doesnt want to let go of the single life, hooking up whenever you feel like
The Answer
If she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then it doesn't matter what her reasons are hun.
If you want to be her friend, you might learn more. If you don't want to be her friend, that's okay too.
Anything anyone says here is just guessing. The important part is the part where - for whatever reason, even silly or stupid reasons - she no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.
It's always confusing, and you'll rarely understand completely why a relationship ends. But you still have to let them end. You owe her the respect of accepting her as 'real' even if it's not what you want, or understand. Even if it's silly or selfish. It's still real.
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The Question
Well, me and my boyfriend have been dating for about a month now (I know that's not that long) and we are both in high school. Well, it seems in the beginning of our relationship he always put forth a bit of effort into keeping conversation going. But now he just seems not too..
He usually texts me first in the morning and we text until we get to school. And then after school he immediately texts me so I don't think it's because he doesn't want to talk to me..
But even then he just doesn't keep a conversation going and has really short responses and it's boring. I've said before "You start a conversation now" and "You sure can't keep a conversation going(:" but he just says something like "I am preoccupied"..
So usually if I just get tired of starting conversations that he doesn't carry on I'll stop texting him. & depending on the time of day he'll text me a few hours later.
I can't stand it. I don't want to break up with him AT ALL! And I don't want him to get annoyed with me. Usually, I only text people when I have something to tell them not just to say "hey". But I think I should because he's my boyfriend.
So what can I do? What can I say to him and not make him mad? What can I say to keep conversation going? How much is too much texting? Should I just not reply?
The Answer
You should keep on texting him when you have something to say - that includes just thinking nice thoughts of him.
You should stop demanding answers, or expecting responses to trival questions or passive agressive demands like "You start a conversation now.". If he doesn't response to "Are we good to meet at 7pm still?" then he is being rude. If he doesn't respond to "Hey what you are you thinking?" then he is occupied and that is a stupid text message.
You need to start having the communication you both want to have, and stop having the one you think you should have. It's normal for things to be less instense then they were. There is nothing wrong with that - it all depends on how you handle the changes togeather.
The truth is that text messages SUCK. They are awful way to communicate with people you care about. They strip away complexities, limit humour and affection and are very easy to misinterpret.
So I’d suggest you try to reach out to him with a different medium. If you haven't spoken to him in a little while, send text asking to arrange a call when he’s free for 15 minutes. Or send him an e-mail message with a story and some questions for him to get back too.
Also, do what every couple in this day and age SHOULD do and establish your own ‘Texting Rules for Our Relationship’. People think about texts very differently, so I’m always careful to let my partner know how I deal with texts and it saves me a lot of hassle in my relationships. These are sorts of things I tell my partner.
I don’t really like communicating by text message; I prefer e-mail and phone calls.
My job requires me to be away from my cell phone, or have it on silent most of the day.
If a text message doesn’t need an immediate response I will probably leave it till after work to respond.
I generally don’t respond to text messages when I’m out with friends, I think it’s rude. So if it’s not immediately important, I’ll get back to you during a break.
If you NEED to tell me something, call me. I will always pick up the phone for you when I’m able.
You might feel VERY differently than I do, but whatever you feel, tell your boyfriend and ask him how he feels about texts, and hash out some compromises. It’ll spare you some of this confusion and drama in the future if you know ‘Of course he won’t get back to me till tonight. He leave his phone when he goes to class.” Or whatever the case may be. Don't rely on your own assumptions or feelings about what SHOULD be the Rules of Texting - doing that is a very good way to cause hurt feelings and confusion.
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The Question
22/f.
So typical breakup dilemma. My ex and I had a terrible breakup about a week ago. His last words to me were 'Go slash your wrists and die you bitch' I responded telling him never contact me again. I was the one who broke up with him as I got sick of us fighting. As miserable as I've been (and god I have been) I was starting to accept he was out of my life.
Then I get a message today telling me he wants to meet in person to "simply exchange our things in a pleasant manner." I'm like, sure, ok, whatever. He suggests this park where we "went for ice cream once." I suggest he just post the stuff to me, and he just ignores that and asks what day/time would suit me.
I have a DVD of his and he has a book and a CD of mine, stuff I simply don't care about.
I told him I wouldn't be able to get the DVD for a while as its at my parents place (not mine) and he said there's no hurry. The truth is I think seeing him will set me back and make me feel worse.
So my question is, should I meet up with him and face him and do a "pleasant exchange" or should I simply post his stuff or get a friend to give it to him? Also what could his motives for seeing me be... does he want to talk or just get his dvd back?
Thanks
The Answer
Don't meet him.
He doesn't want his DVD back, and he isn't desperate to give you things back you said you don't care about. He wants to talk. We have no way to know what about, but in my experience he likely wants to talk to either:
Prove to himself that he isn't a total asshole and make himself feel better about the break up.
Pretend you can be friends to make himself feel better.
Or get back together.
This is about him. Making himself feel better.
Which might very well come at the cost of your feelings. Don't do it. Anything he has to be said right now can be said over e-mail. There is no reason to met him in person unless you wish too.
You are not obliged to help him achieve any of those things, and you aren't ready to face those motivations with strength and honesty yet if you are only just making peace with the break up yourself.
His moronic idea of going someplace you once went on a date makes it rather clear he isn't just looking to trade stuff - he wants something. Maybe he just wants a sense of forgiveness or friendship, regardless, you don't have to give that to him. It is perfectly fair to tell him he must get what he needs, and heal, by himself.
Many people have a crazy idea that their ex holds the key to 'closure', but that is just that: completely fucking crazy.
So tell him no. When you get the DVD from your parents, it could be mailed if you still aren't ready to see him.
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The Question
If a 17 year old or 18 year old was to have sex, can the 18 year old get in trouble? NO OPINIONS I NEED FACTS. i have looked all over the net and have seen many different answers.
the age of consent in texas is 17, so then an the 17 year old legally have sex with the 18 year old and the 18 year old WILL NOT go to jail or any kind of charges or trouble ?
i heard about something around three years. can a 17 year old have sex with a 20 year old... 21?
The Answer
In Texas it's just fine. 17 is the age of consent.
The only situations in which it would be a trouble would be if the older partner was a teacher, or doctor or someone with formal authority. That might be a legal issue. Otherwise, 17 is the age of consent.
Other states have different laws, but in most states, a 17 and 18 year old would be fine. In very, very few places would that be a problem legally. Most Age of Consent laws have a 'close in age exemption' which protects people close in age from being illegal, generally 2 or 3 years difference, even if the younger is just below the Age of Consent. Texas has a law like that which states it is legal to have sex with someone between the age of 12 and 17, so long as you are no more than 3 years older than them. So, even a 15 and 18 year old would be legal in Texas.
In Texas, and many others, a 17 and 21 year old would be perfectly legal as well.
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The Question
So I am 20 years old, and on my parents' health insurance. I went to get tested for STD's at my university's health center, as I am sexually active. How it works is the university sends you the bill, which you are supposed to make a copy of. One copy you send to the university with your payment, and the other you send to your insurance so they can reimburse you.
My problem is that before I always sent it to my mom, and she took care of everything for me. But my bill clearly states that I have gotten tested for HIV, Chlamydia, etc, etc. I don't want my mom seeing this. I discussed with her today how to pay bills with the insurance and stuff, and she told me I need a password in order to send the bill to insurance. She won't really give it to me because she is now extremely suspicious that something is going on. What do I do? For this bill I guess I can just pay it without insurance, its not too expensive, but what if something else like this happens again? I want my health stuff to be kept private from the rest of my family. Is there anything I can do?
Thank you
The Answer
I just paid for mine myself, until I was old enough that I had my own health insurance.
There are other approaches: Tell your mother it was routine. Look for coverage through your school in your own name. Call your insurance company and talk to them about how to add yourself as a payee.
In the end though, if you can afford to pay for it yourself, that is likely the simpliest solution for the next few years.
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The Question
my boyfriend is coming over this weekend for the firstime and my mom embarreses me whenever a new guy comes over what should I do? plus he has a mental illness and he talks to him self what if she is mean to him when he comes over?
The Answer
Ask her not to be mean. Warn of her of what to expect.
Warn your boyfriend of what to expect. Apologize profusely.
After they met, thank your mother if she behaves. Tell her percisely what she did wrong if she doesn't.
There is no lying or pretending here. He's your boyfriend - he's going to have to learn to deal with your mother. No matter how crazy she is. Don't worry about stopping EVERY possible nasty thing she might do or say, just focus on the big ones and ask her to behave. If she does, thank her.
Warn your boyfriend, and then bring him over. It probably wont be as bad as you think. And even if it is, it had to happen sooner or later.
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The Question
Basically my question is, what would you classify me as?
I was a good girl growing up. Like no intercourse or anything. I was locked down in the house getting grades. Then I hit college or in other words freedom. Boys and liquor got introduced. I started to become sexual as in giving and receiving oral. I believe I am sexual to a point, but I am 19 and still a virgin. Yes I said it, 19 and still a virgin. 20 in 17 days! lol I have done many sexual things I am not proud of. Like giving oral to a guys friend 2 months after talking to that guy. I feel like some people would classify me as a slut because of the number of guys I gave oral to. But I am much more than that. I am very loving and caring! But all people see when they see me is, she give good head. I want to start over you know? I like holding onto my virginity so at least I can still hold on to that good girl. So, what would you consider me?
Thankyou if you can get to this question.
The Answer
Okay. You really need to get over the 'label' issue.
You are only a slut if you want to be, and feel good about the label. Otherwise you aren't. 'Nough said.
It doens't matter what people online consider you - you've earned a reputation in real life as being someone who engages in oral sex easily and willingly - and it's going to follow you for a while. Nothing anyone can do about it, so accept it.
You can 'start over' whenever you like, by simply changing your behavoir. The label will take much longer to change, but you can change your behavoir today, tommorrow, next week. Start when you want to start, and slowly, eventually, your reputation will catch up with the person you've changed into.
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The Question
I mean really? Lately, and before people have started stuff saying my boy friend was cheating, or doing something wrong, when he's not the type..and I'm tired of it.
I want it to stop, because it's making me so paranoid ..and I already worry so much.. I love my boy friend and we've been dating a year and 4 months I'm not ready to let go..
How do you deal with this?
The Answer
Why do people write novels? We're a species of story-tellers - for better or worse - we tell stories.
You ignore it. 'Cause you can't do anything else. To continue to let it terrorize you is only going to encourage people - it makes the story more interesting. Put your foot down with your friends and tell them to stop it. Ignore the others.
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The Question
I am a 33 year old woman who is confused, I have four older siblings who were sexually abused by our grandfather, the closest sibling is six years older than me and when I was six my grandfather died of bowel cancer, he did not have a very prolonged illness maybe 2 years. I am worried that I may have been abused by him as well because of the following:-
1. I distrust men, including family members.
2. I find incest storylines erotic.
3. I have extreme problems with intimacy - hence why I am a 33 year old virgin.
4. I have suffered depression and suicidal attempts from the age of about 7 and as far as I know I had no reason to be unhappy, I was well loved, well fed and housed.
Because I would have been under 4 years old I may not remember it and I am very afraid to ask my mum as she has had several boughts of cancer and already feels she let me down when I was growing up by working so hard. If I know if there is or isn't something wrong I can deal with it, its the not knowing that is the problem.
Thanks for your help in advance. :)
The Answer
It’s certainly possible you were abused, although I must say the idea of 'repressed memories' is wildly unscientific and silly. However, most people can't remember anything prior to the huge jump in mental development that happens at about 5 years of age. Those memories are not 'repressed'. They were created by a brain so very different from your adult brain that they are, effectively, lost.
Everything you've described here is perfectly possible to happen to a person who was never abused. Also, it can't be underestimated the effect the abuse your older siblings went through on you and your home life. Much of the stress and anxiety would have been present, whether you were abused or not.
The worst part is, you might never know for certain what happened. Most of our lives are lived within the ‘not knowing’ space - although modern day pop psychology puts an absurd amount of focus on figuring out “what pass trauma made you like this?!” the truth is that it is perfectly possible to address the concrete problems of your current life without having the complete story and all the information about your past. Not everyone who suffers from depression, or anxiety, or phobias have a good reason or past trauma. Most actually don’t. But that doesn’t mean they can’t address them.
Sometimes there are no 'reasons' for issues, there are just issues. Regardless, they can be overcome.
Seek therapy. Not just explore your past, but to discuss your goals for the future and the states of mind and fears that are holding you back. If the truth was accessible, I’d say go try and find it. Ask your mother and siblings what they remember or know (ideally, with a therapist’s guidance in how to approach these conversations), but also accept that the truth might not be accessible to you, and you can be okay - you can get better - even not knowing for sure.
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The Question
I starting working in a legal firm as an Executive Secretary to a Partner for nine months. On the outset, it was exciting as I am working in a new environment.
As months passed, work scope changes and it is not the same as what I was being told during the interview. Work scope increased and so are responsibilities. I started to think and asked myself if I should look for another job.
In addition, my boss sucks. He is a petty, cautious and with a suspicious mind. Throughout my working experience, I have only met lady bosses who are petty but not man. As such, my work gets tougher.
How do I approach my boss to speak to him about my work scope, without making matters worst?
The Answer
Do you want to approach your boss?
If you do, the way to do it to print off the orginal job description you were hired for, and write up a list of additional tasks you are now responsible for. Come armed with these hard facts - not just your feelings about working for him. if you want to get really percise about it, jot down the ammount of time your tasks take each week, so you have an idea of which ones are consuming your time.
Tell him that you are being to be overwelmed by the additional tasks. Ask him if he has any advice, or if there is anything you do togeather to address some of the workload. If he doesn't, offer up one or two suggestions of how things might be addressed. Someone else who might take on A or B. Perhaps an overtime arrangment for you do some things from home or on the weekends. Give a serious thought to two or three things that will address your problem.
He might send you away with a pat on your head, or it might make things worse. But at least you will have given it a real try, and if it goes poorly, start looking for a new job the next day.
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The Question
Ok befor I begin I want u to know that I'm not selfish just a little needy! I have been in a serious relationship for some time now, I love him but I sometimes feel like I want more from him. I want him to want me to be there for special occasions and important times in his life, and although I know he'd like me to be there if I say I'll think about it he says it's ok don't worry about it. I want him to show me he wants me to be there or needs me. He's still a little bit of a mommas boy and I know it's his mom but I think it's time for him to grow up and need her less! Makes me feel like sometimes I need go compete with her. Buy the better clothes or choose the better movies! Now I might sound super attached but I love this guy and I want our future to be me and him not me him and his mom. I just seem to always need to feel needed and I dunno if it's my problem, his or both of ours I just want to know how to make it better!
Btw we r great on communicating this is just a really sensitive topic, I don't want him to choose between 2 people. his mom is great and I love her like family I just feel like I need him not to be a mommys boy!
The Answer
Honey, being needy is a form of being selfish. That's the definition. It's not always wrong - but being needy is always about trying to get what you want.
We all want to be needed, and to be special to our partner, but you are taking it a bit too far when you start to feel jealous of his mother.
Your future, if you have one, will be you and him. And him and his mom. That connection isn't going away. His life would be less rich if it did.
If you have concrete issues you want to talk about with your boyfriend, that will be much easier to communicate about. If you only have a vague feeling of wanting to more special than he mom - that IS selfish and will cause trouble.
Love isn't a competition. Focus on the real problems: Are you being interpreted? Neglected? Ignored? Undermined by him or his mom? What is it that is actually happening that is contributing to your resenting his mother.
Instead of dwelling on only those vague negative feelings, try to think of concrete ways your boyfriend could help you and his mother get along better, or concrete things you think your boyfriend needs to work on to manage his relationship with you better. If you want to be with him for a long time, it's worth it for you all to put in the effort to get along.
ALSO
Stop playing games! If you want to be someplace, be there. Don't pull that "I'll think about it" shit! That's mean, and immature and petty. Your boyfriend is only being polite when he says "Oh, that's okay." You are the one who is in the wrong when you try and 'test' your partner like that. Stop it. It's mean and disrespectful and you'll NEVER get your needs met when you behave that way because no man will ever know what your needs actually are!
You are the one who is screwing up your great communication when you pull stunts like that. Be honest. Pay attention to real problems. Don't go around making problems up by testing people, or trying to make them prove how much they want you around.
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The Question
So yesterday was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We were suppose to go out to dinner and go to this park. We didn't because his dad has his money and we had to wait for him and he didn't get back til later in the day. So we postponed it until today. Now its really warm outside and he called me and asked me if I wanted to go fishing with his friends, but I really wanted to go out and celebrate our 1 year. I told him it was whatever he wanted to do. So should I try to get him to go out and celebrate it or go fishing? My feelings will be hurt probably if he would rather go fishing than go celebrate our 1 year.
The Answer
You should have been honest with him and said "Ya know, going fishing is nice, but I would rather celebrate our 1 year just the two of us."
What you are doing, by telling him to do whatever he wants to do, is testing him, and that's isn't fair or kind.
He might honestly believe you when you say "Do whatever you want." but that isn't what you mean.
Tell him the truth. He wont know what is important to you unless you tell him. It's okay if your anniversary isn't as important to him as it to you - that is perfectly fine. But he wont be able to make an honest and respectful choice unless you give him all the information, including your feelings on the matter.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I just broke up. I was waiting for him to decide what he wanted and yesterday he told me he still loved me and wanted to be here for me, but he didn't want to get back together. He said he won't dump and ditch me like my past boyfriends and he still wants to be friends. I was extremely upset. He hurt me so bad. I don't even know why we broke up.
He told me he never wanted to hurt me but he did. He knew it would break my heart but he left me anyway. He kept avoiding the fact he was dumping me though. He kept telling me he wasn't totally gone. I'm grateful he wants to be here for me, but it's not the same. I can't be friends with him. I'll end up making things complicated, i.e. Jealousy, developing more feelings, sitting back watching him be happy while I'm unhappy.
He's confusing me though. He told me yesterday we could get back together as long as I do one thing for him. He wants us to be on the same page and same level of trust and love before we split. I agreed to do so but he still won't get back with me. I told him this morning face to face I didn't like all these games and confusion. He either wants me or he doesn't. I told him if he really loved me he'd get back regardless of anything. I don't deserve to go through silly mind games or anything because I have been there before and I don't want to be there again. He said he's very indifferent. He doesn't know what he wants.
I love him very much. But I don't know what to do. I told him he needs to figure out his feelings, but I won't be here forever. I really love him and I can't stand being apart.
He won't even tell me why we split either. Every time I ask and tell him I deserve to know he gets all upset. He's angry with himself for hurting me. I just want to be with him again. I need help. I don't know what to do anymore.
The Answer
Your ex is trying to be nice to you, but he actually being very, very mean.
Avoid him. Stop speaking to him. Face the pain of not being with him head on.
Do not let his false niceness drag out your agony.
He wants the same intimacy and closeness and trust as your ex boyfriend that he had as your boyfriend? That's insane. That's disrespectful of your feelings and it's dishonest. That isn't reality. The reality is that your relationship is over, and that means much of the closeness and trust MUST end as well.
Please. I know it's a tough thing to do. I know you probably wont do it. But opt out of this mental torture. Tell him he has had every chance to make up his mind and now you've made up yours: You can't continue like this. He's out. He's gone. He needs to respect your wishes and if you are broken up, you must BE broken up. That means no contact for a long while. Probably never a deep friendship again. That is what breaking up is. And he needs to face it. So do you.
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The Question
I'm 22 and have been hooking up with a 40 year old, we've had sex once before but he wants to continue hooking up. Has anyone else been with someone older than them or do you guys think it's wrong???
The Answer
If you are the same girl who has been asking about her 40 year old co-worker who had sex with her while she was pretending to be passed out and has childhood trauma she has not addressed in therapy as of yet then I'd say
NO!
And don't leave out important details just because you want a certain kind of answer - It's unkind to those who want to help you honestly.
I have dated older men, some happily and some less happily. I would never date a man who expressed a willingness to rape me. That is not okay. That is not healthy. That is not safe.
Address your confusions and past experiences in therapy. Please!
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The Question
Approximately one month ago, I finally decided I was ready to tell the world my biggest secret: I was pansexual. I liked both sexes, and everything in between, from transgenders, to transvestites, to...well, everything! My boyfriend was supportive from the get-go, and my close friends comforted me and were always there to talk. After the first few days, I was in heaven. I was finally on the way to becoming free of being confined in the closet.
...that didn't last long.
You see, my boyfriend (to summarize) had a lot of family issues, and is currently living with his close friend. I'll call this friend Z. For easy purposes. Z is not only my boyfriend's closest friend; he is also my best friend K's boyfriend. We are all kinda connected as such. The family he is currently staying with is a steadfast, old-school Christian family. And honestly, I had no problem with that; I'm a Christian myself, and I enjoyed going to their church meetings and helping out. They seemed very open and accepting, and I felt like I wasn't being judged for who I was when I was there...
At first.
I was sitting in one of the youth group meetings they held every Wednesday, just a week or so after revealing myself to my closer friends, when the worship leader (who is Z's mother) began an oddly vicious speech which included the following:
"Trust me, I know. I had a gay best friend. And I knew from the moment he told me, he was going straight to Hell."
I admit, my reaction was a bit unnecessary, but I had to do it anyway. I slammed my chair back, stood up, and walked out of the church.
The next day, Z was relatively silent on the matter, and my boyfriend and friends were there to help me vent my frustration. However, a few days later, an annoying string of facebook comments from him sparked an anger in me I didn't know I could hold. He began criticizing me and insulting my faith, saying that I was going to burn in Hell along with all the other gays. His church friends began to join in, and eventually, so did his father, who slung so many harsh things my way, my mother was ready to slug him.
My boyfriend can't move out, even if he wanted to. His family situation is completely toxic. So now, I am constantly forced into situations where me and Z are in close quarters. We haven't spoken since the incident.
I do not know what to do. My mind tells me to confront him; my heart tells me that he's not worth it, and I had better move on and try to live with him. All I know is that if this continues, there's gonna be a point where I blow up, either at him or at myself, and it's not too far off. I have been so confident in my faith and religion lately, and I feel great about where my life is going. To have him try to take that away from me...I'm not even sure he deserves my anger at all.
The Answer
I think you are absolutely right to be angry, and they deserve it.
Telling someone they are going to hell is a hateful act. They are claiming that you, another human being, DESERVE eternal torment and then saying "Oh no. It's not no who says this. It's God."
Nope, it’s them.
Talking about hell is not equivalent to saying “If you flip that light switch, a light will turn on.” They are in fact responsible for the things that drop out of their mouths and their personal view of the world. There are widely divergent understandings of what and who and if there even is a hell. Who are you to tell another person they are going to hell? What you are saying is that your personal understanding is 100% correct and that in your personal view of the world they 100% deserve to suffer for eternity.
It’s a horrible, arrogant, awful, unforgiving and unloving thing to express.
I use to have sympathy and make defence for this behaviour, thinking that it was always good to be honest about your beliefs. And it is. But there is a line between honesty and behaving hatefully, and it certainly sounds to me like your contact with these people - made even worse by the fact an adult is using this coercive abuse against you, a child - has crossed that line.
Part of me hopes your mother does slug him, and while she is at it tell him that although he free to abuse his children with notion that anything they could do would warrant being eternal tortured, but he is not free to her abuse her child with it.
However, with your boyfriend living with these people, and your position with them as a young teen, I doubt confronting them is the right move. In your position, what I would try to do, is agree to disagree.
I would tell them that I hear them clearly, and understand what they are saying and that they believe it is true. I would tell them I completely disagree with them, and although that might upset them, I no longer want to talk about this topic with them.
And repeat, as necessary.
“I understand this is important to you, but I asked that we not discuss it anymore.”
“I have heard what you have to say about this. I’m done talking to you about it.”
“I know your position. My position hasn’t changed and I don’t wish to discuss it with you.”
It’s unfortunate. It basically calls on you to be the adult in this situation, and to end their bullying by no longer allowing them to bully you. It will be tough. They might try to punish you, or provoke you into immature reactions. The adults might try to abuse their position as adults in your life to further pressure you and shame you.
And that will be wrong. If they do it. They will be in the wrong. Completely and utterly.
Lean on your mother and if this family ignores your request to agree to disagree, ask her to back you up and explain to them that she appreciates their concerns, but that they need to stop.
And good luck.
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The Question
They say all good things come to those who wait.
And I am in such a situation. Although it has only been three days broken up from my boyfriend, it's very hard. He says to wait for him until Friday, and he'll tell me whether he wants to get back together or not.
But really, is waiting worth it?
I've waited for someone before and it ended terribly. I'm aware because my boyfriend treats me so respectfully even if we broke up, I shouldn't treat him as a past boyfriend. I know if he makes me happy then waiting IS worth it.
But I don't know. I'm afraid I will put all my hopes in the scenario he will say yes, and then be let down. So stumped.
The Answer
The truth about waiting is that it is something you do until you can't do it anymore.
If you are afraid that you will put ALL your hopes on this relationship happening -- well then you are already acknowledging it the possibility that it might not -- you've already beaten that foolish idea.
And if it doesn't happen, it will be a letdown.
It will feel awful.
It will feel like the world is ending.
Only the world won’t end, and someday you might feel you know the answer to the big question "Was it worth it?" but it might not be the same answer you've got today, or next month, and that's okay.
Quite honestly darling, making you wait for the hammer to fall till Friday - it’s not actually that respectful of him. It’s him dragging you along his emotional roller coaster ride - rather than being clear and dealing with the fallout of truly, and finally, ending things OR choosing to do the work to make things better. I know it seems more respectful than say, cursing you out, or ignoring you completely - but it’s actually a rather selfish, immature move on your exes part.
But whatever, it doens't matter to much that he could handle this better. We can almost always handle things better than we do. What matters is that right now you are deciding to wait for him till Friday. That’s fine. You might wake up tommorrow and decide not to wait. Also fine.
If you are waiting, keep yourself busy. Bake something. Play a video game. Knit. Whatever. Keep your hands occupied and your brain will follow.
Will waiting be worth it? In a few months or a few years, you tell me. Don’t be surprised if the answer changes a few times between then and now.
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The Question
Me and this guy hung out and hooked up and he wanted to go farther and I said no and he's like pleasee, we'll take it slow after this but I still said no, I asked him bout it in the morning he said he didn't want a relationship and then we stopped tlaking then he started talking to me again and he asked me for nudes and asked me to strip for him and I said no and he always wants to chill and I said no because I thought it was a booty call so I said no but then like the third time he got mad and I was like sorry I want respect and don't wanna be used! And he's like I'm not using you I like you and I'm like what about when you said you don't want A relationship and he's like well I've missed you since then :( and hooking up with someone you like isnt so bad because it could bring us closer. so I dunno if he just wants action or likes me?
:(
pls help!
kaaitlyn
The Answer
He's a selfish, lying turd who wants to be using you.
He asked for photos? He thinks you should strip for him? He wants to 'chill'? He's all mad because he thinks he 'likes you' so it's okay that he disrespects you, bullies you and begs you for hook ups?
Moron.
Delete him from your phone and never bother with him again. He is not boyfriend material. He isn't even 'causal friendly fuck' material. Getting closer to this guy will only be inching your way closer to getting hurt by this guy.
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The Question
Alright, so i'm having a sweet sixteen coming up in 4 days. I invited about thirty people. People that i use to be friends with, lets say about three of them i did not invite. It all started where they all turned on me and stopped talking to me because they had a party where they drank alchohol, didn't invite me and i got angry and i told my parents. First off, i tell my parents everything and my parents could give two craps about any of these friends. I turnto them for everything and i made the mistake of telling them in front of a fake friend. So they all started ignoring me, made me cry, and actually had the nerve to post a status on facebook about how immature someone is to not invite someone to their birthday party because there mad. I usually don't confront people, i just like it to slip by but i'm starting to realize i need to stand up for myself. So what do you think, confront or ignore?
The Answer
Ignore.
You don't 'stand up for yourself' by pursuing drama with people who are not your friends and whose opinions shouldn't matter to you anyways.
If you confront them, they are right: You are just mad and looking for to continue the drama.
If you ignore them, you aren't just mad, you are done with them. A far more mature, and sensible position to take.
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The Question
My teen wanted to post some videos he made on YouTube. We felt he was too young, but after MUCH fighting we tried to compromise under the conditions that he would show us the videos first, before loading them and would only load them if we approved. To make a long story short, 35+ downloads later, he is putting on material that is not appropriate for a 14 yr old and could very likely attract an older audience that could cause bigger problems. I want his site shut down. It is not visually provacative - it's verbally provacative - swearing, sexual language, etc. How can I shut down his account? Please don't tell me I can't. I am very worried. Thank you.
The Answer
The easy way requires his password - where you can simply remove the video, or delete his account all togeather.
If your son wont cooperate, then you'll need to consider contacting YouTube directly. The information below is taken from YouTube's Parents Resources page. (http://www.google.com/support/youtube/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=126289)
Can you remove my child's channel from YouTube?
As a first step, speak with your teen directly about editing or removing videos, comments, or profile information that you feel is inappropriate. This is usually the easiest and fastest way to address inappropriate content posted by your child. Talking with your child can also give you the opportunity to learn more about his or her interactions on YouTube. If you would still like our assistance in removing your child's account, fax proof of guardianship (birth certificate or other identification that proves guardianship) to YouTube using the following fax number: +1 650-253-0001.
The best protection however, is going to be parental supervision. He'll make a new account - he'll get around you if he wants too - he is probably going to need to be supervised and his computer access restricted if you are serious about stopping this behavoir.
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The Question
I have been in a 6 month long relationship with my girlfriend. Over the time I have realized she doesn't respect who I really am and seems to degrade me for it.
She's pulling me away from my music (which I enjoy and want to make a career out of), insults my friends (who mean allot to me and helped me through so much hard times) and wants me to cut my hair and shave my beard (I'm a huge hippie).
It seems to her, everything is wrong with me, and she is absoloutely perfect. I am just a disgrace.
I feel she wants to make me the kind of guy which I REALLY HATE which will make her happy yet me lifeless and miserable, not feeling HAPPY.
What is your opinion on this?
The Answer
You aren't a good match. The relationship isn't working.
Look, you can sit here and demonize her and tear her down all day long, but that makes you even lower and lousier than her - she at least she is willing to push her agenda to your face, honestly and directly.
Stop bitching and break up.
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