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Coming out ruined it. But staying hidden? Worse.
Approximately one month ago, I finally decided I was ready to tell the world my biggest secret: I was pansexual. I liked both sexes, and everything in between, from transgenders, to transvestites, to...well, everything! My boyfriend was supportive from the get-go, and my close friends comforted me and were always there to talk. After the first few days, I was in heaven. I was finally on the way to becoming free of being confined in the closet.
...that didn't last long.
You see, my boyfriend (to summarize) had a lot of family issues, and is currently living with his close friend. I'll call this friend Z. For easy purposes. Z is not only my boyfriend's closest friend; he is also my best friend K's boyfriend. We are all kinda connected as such. The family he is currently staying with is a steadfast, old-school Christian family. And honestly, I had no problem with that; I'm a Christian myself, and I enjoyed going to their church meetings and helping out. They seemed very open and accepting, and I felt like I wasn't being judged for who I was when I was there...
At first.
I was sitting in one of the youth group meetings they held every Wednesday, just a week or so after revealing myself to my closer friends, when the worship leader (who is Z's mother) began an oddly vicious speech which included the following:
"Trust me, I know. I had a gay best friend. And I knew from the moment he told me, he was going straight to Hell."
I admit, my reaction was a bit unnecessary, but I had to do it anyway. I slammed my chair back, stood up, and walked out of the church.
The next day, Z was relatively silent on the matter, and my boyfriend and friends were there to help me vent my frustration. However, a few days later, an annoying string of facebook comments from him sparked an anger in me I didn't know I could hold. He began criticizing me and insulting my faith, saying that I was going to burn in Hell along with all the other gays. His church friends began to join in, and eventually, so did his father, who slung so many harsh things my way, my mother was ready to slug him.
My boyfriend can't move out, even if he wanted to. His family situation is completely toxic. So now, I am constantly forced into situations where me and Z are in close quarters. We haven't spoken since the incident.
I do not know what to do. My mind tells me to confront him; my heart tells me that he's not worth it, and I had better move on and try to live with him. All I know is that if this continues, there's gonna be a point where I blow up, either at him or at myself, and it's not too far off. I have been so confident in my faith and religion lately, and I feel great about where my life is going. To have him try to take that away from me...I'm not even sure he deserves my anger at all.
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it was completely rude that Z's mother had said that. Z's parents are probably influencing him in their point of view of bi-sexuals. there is nothing wrong with it at all! But if the matter does bother you why dont you try talking to Z's girlfriend , who is also your friend. Tell her that Z really hurt your feelings and still is. It is not his life, and he is not you, he has no right to critisize your sexuality. And if you do not want to talk to your friend, try talking to your boyfriend and have him talk to him about it. well...i hope i helped atleast a little bit. I am sorry for you, you probably dont deserve this.
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They were absolutely wrong in telling you that you were going to hell. Because only God can choose that. Who are they to tell you were you are going. Z is entirely in the wrong and no he does not deserve your anger, if he were really a good friend then he wouldn't haze turned on you that way. continue not to talk to him. Well I wont say that because God says forgive and forget so yes talk to him apologize for your behavior but only because you are the bigger person, i mean as long as you too are constantly in close quarters.The so called christian are hypocrites because you rnot suppose to udge people because God doesn't judge us no matter how many wins we commit a day, he still forgives us and if that isn't possible for the other people then they need to change thier religion because they are not true christians.
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I think you are absolutely right to be angry, and they deserve it.
Telling someone they are going to hell is a hateful act. They are claiming that you, another human being, DESERVE eternal torment and then saying "Oh no. It's not no who says this. It's God."
Nope, it’s them.
Talking about hell is not equivalent to saying “If you flip that light switch, a light will turn on.” They are in fact responsible for the things that drop out of their mouths and their personal view of the world. There are widely divergent understandings of what and who and if there even is a hell. Who are you to tell another person they are going to hell? What you are saying is that your personal understanding is 100% correct and that in your personal view of the world they 100% deserve to suffer for eternity.
It’s a horrible, arrogant, awful, unforgiving and unloving thing to express.
I use to have sympathy and make defence for this behaviour, thinking that it was always good to be honest about your beliefs. And it is. But there is a line between honesty and behaving hatefully, and it certainly sounds to me like your contact with these people - made even worse by the fact an adult is using this coercive abuse against you, a child - has crossed that line.
Part of me hopes your mother does slug him, and while she is at it tell him that although he free to abuse his children with notion that anything they could do would warrant being eternal tortured, but he is not free to her abuse her child with it.
However, with your boyfriend living with these people, and your position with them as a young teen, I doubt confronting them is the right move. In your position, what I would try to do, is agree to disagree.
I would tell them that I hear them clearly, and understand what they are saying and that they believe it is true. I would tell them I completely disagree with them, and although that might upset them, I no longer want to talk about this topic with them.
And repeat, as necessary.
“I understand this is important to you, but I asked that we not discuss it anymore.”
“I have heard what you have to say about this. I’m done talking to you about it.”
“I know your position. My position hasn’t changed and I don’t wish to discuss it with you.”
It’s unfortunate. It basically calls on you to be the adult in this situation, and to end their bullying by no longer allowing them to bully you. It will be tough. They might try to punish you, or provoke you into immature reactions. The adults might try to abuse their position as adults in your life to further pressure you and shame you.
And that will be wrong. If they do it. They will be in the wrong. Completely and utterly.
Lean on your mother and if this family ignores your request to agree to disagree, ask her to back you up and explain to them that she appreciates their concerns, but that they need to stop.
And good luck.
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Hi, I'm old enough to be your grandfather and hopefully the wisdom of my age will be helpful to you.
When I think of pansexual, I don't always think of it in terms of actually being someone who is actively engaged in sexual activity with all genders or sexual genres. Not that that is a problem for me. I take a much more liberal view of being pansexual, more as defined in Wikipedia; which to be somewhat succinct is to be more tolerant and accepting, rather than hateful and bigoted against.
When it comes to sex my views are quite simple and extremely liberal. As long as both parties consent and no one is physically harmed; then their is nothing wrong with whatever your doing. People should mind their own business and stay out of other peoples bedrooms.
Now as to your question: I'm sorry your being treated as you are. Your friend are not being very Christian in the way they are treating you. Unfortunately they are being very bigoted against anyone who is homosexual, gay or just not heterosexual. These are their beliefs and you are not going to change their mind. As much as you enjoy your church I would expect they will do all possible to drive you from your church, again a very unchristian act.
So what to you do? There is not much you can do. You will not change their minds and they will not accept you unless you renounce pan-sexuality. You are in what is called a conundrum.
If I were you I would tell them all to go to Hell, sorry, but that is how I feel. You are correct in what you said that he is not worth your anger. Put him and them behind you, find friends that are not as bigoted as they are. Find a more liberal church, I know there are some out there.
I am proud of you for your acceptance of others. It bothers me none if you are sexually active with both sexes and genres. You are one of, as the definition in part says "Gender-Blind." While this unfortunately is placing you in a minority among those you are friends with, it is their loss as you can find new friends; they will never have you as a friend again and they will never open their eyes to what you see which is a shame.
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Christians are so judgemental. Firstly, you AREN'T going to hell because you are pansexual.
That church shouldn't be able to say that stuff, that is harrassment and you can tell the cops that.
You should confront Z. Yes, he isn't worth it, but you'll feel better when you do. Tell him that he made a HUGE mistake when he wrote all that stuff. Tell him he really hurt you, and that their isn't anything wrong with being pansexual.
Stick up for yourself when people say stuff to you.
And join a new church, keep joining new churches if the one you are currently at won't accept who you are. You'll find one that does.
Don't lose faith in what you are and what you believe it, that's what people want you to do. Don't let them control you.
And DON'T take it out on yourself, you shouldn't punish something that wasn't wrong in the first place.
If anything, all those people who are judging you, THEY are going to hell. After all "god" is good, and good doesn't judge.
Good luck!
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