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husband issuses
For weeks I have been iffy about even writing this.
I am young 18 and just got married in August. I am pregnant that is not why we got married but I think we rushed into it. We were planning the wedding already had my wedding dress before i found out I was Pregnant.
Sometimes I find myself regretting getting marred My reasons. I wanted to work days and go to school nights. It would be tough but id be able to better myself for me and my family he through a fit and didnt support me at all. told me either work or go to school but advises me to work because we need the money. Being pregnant I have my mood swings like most if we have an argument its all my fault he will yell at me and blame me then make me feel guilty by saying oh its always all my fault i forgot your so perfect. sometimes he makes im crap. If i feel nauses or sick at night or anything and he wants sex he pouts and acts like he is mad by not saying a workd until he gets it then goes to sleep. he goes hunting, fishing, baseball teams and tournaments etc. anything he wants and i dont argue about it i just let him.
I have asked a million times to look harder for a job. he works 2 days aweek at a sale barn doing something he likes i work full time on my swallon feet 40+ hours a week and come home exhausted and tired. its like he dont care he doesnt want to even try to look he put an app. in at burgerking one app.. in 5 weeks? we live at my dads. which i dont feel is save but dont have a choice. hes lazy
and to top it off he always wants to spend money. i used to get food stamps which just stopped but hed want a gallon of tea every 2 days. go out and buy food he wants all the time because hes to lazy to cook one thing or wait for it to get done. as soon as he gets paid he goes and spends most of the money on garbage food and gets mad when i tell him i dont want it id rather eat food i cook at home.
I love my husband to death trust me and want to work things out but i dont know what to do i talk to him about it and itslike it is in one ear and out the other.
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Hi Dear,
I am soooo sorry to hear about your troubles. You sound like a sensible girl, and even though you got married young, you are ready to make a committement to have a life and a family with your child and your husband. I know how it feels. I have been there. And you are doing the righ thing. Trouble is....you don't have a partner. Your husband is like having a teenage boy around. Wait until that baby is born. Then you'll understand who deserves your undivided attention, your hard work and your dedication AND sacrifice.
While you'll expect your adult husband to be willing to do all the same things you are willing to do to raise a happy, healthy well adjusted baby. You'll be sorely dissapointed. You'll feel like you have a young baby who needs you and depends on you, and a teenage son, who is selfish and angry. Because that is what I see coming down the road. He acts selfish now. You don't mention at all anything he does for you. YOUR PREGNANT!. You need rest, nutrition, and TLC. (tender loving care.) He is just worried about his own pleasures and needs. All of your complaints are valid. He is not going to change. You say you love him to death. Wait, you won't love him for long. Six months from now,you are going to hate him.
Believe it, you two will end up divorced. But that will not be the end of your life. You sound strong and sensible. That baby needs at least one good parent. Looks like that is you.
I know it is hard, but it is not impossible. I went through the same thing. Ended up haveing two kids with my "teenager of a husband". After the second one I got so depressed because I felt like now I have two babies to take care of and a big old teenage son (my husband) and I am the only one who is worried about where the money is coming from to pay the bills. I had to work, and work and work, two, three jobs sometimes. Just to make ends meet. While he couldn't be bothered. No job suited him. He couldn't work for less than I did. Every job he had, he quit. Or maybe got fired, but that is not what he told me. He always wanted me to feel sorry for him. I finally left him when the youngest child was 1 year old. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But it turned out to be the best. My boys are 23 and 19 now. They are sweet young men who have gone to college, and are very nice to their girlfriends. They are not selfish, they are smart and confident and they work hard. It can be done. It is not easy. But in the end it is all worth it.
And yes I have a life too. I am very happy and even went to college and got a degree. I will pray for you. Pray for you that you find the strenght to give your child the chances that you didn't get.
Good luck to you
Michele
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I clearly hear what you are saying when you state that you want him to spend time with you or to possibly invite you to any events or gatherings he is attending.
This is what I tell my friends...Think about the way your relationship was when you first met the man you are with.
Were you together all the time? Did you always invite you to all gatherings and events that he attended? Did you spend more time with your friends as well? What interactions did you actually have? Was your relationship based on sexual intimacy and time alone then he would run off to see the guys? Think long and hard about all those questions...Please think about the way it was before you conceived your child and that will answer why he is the way he is today.
He probably hasnt changed very much and you have. You had to change because you are now pregnant. Unfortunately we dont always grow up because we are having a child. If you just happened to get pregnant then you have to realize this wasnt planned and nothing about this man has changed.
How many times do you actually converse and not bicker? Its hard because the pressure of having a baby is extreme and when someone that cannot provide has to have someone always being critical of them is hard.
Trust me Im not trying to bash you. I think your great just very young and possibly demanding something you didnt have before. People dont change just because they are having a baby. Men dont fall in love with you because of all the wrong reasons.
So please take some time and write all your feelings down. Write what really bothers you down and read it over and over. Then after you read it to yourself start to think if all those things really matter right now.
Write down things you want in your life and see that whether you have a man in your life or not if it makes a difference. You can be successful all on your own. Does it help if the father is in this childs life, yes but you cant force someone to do something they arent ready for.
Sit down and have some fun with your partner and dont fight. Talk and enjoy eachother. Be positive and remind eachother of all the wonderful reasons you are together. Remember and remind eachother of fun times. But try your best to communicate in a manner that he can handle.
Lots of luck to you...
I had my daughter when I was 15 and I clearly understand the stress of being alone. But I chose to and I was ok...I am almost 40 now and I can tell you that sometimes we may think we are doing everything right at that age and we arent...Not only is your boyfriend doing things wrong but you as well. Instead of handling it negatively and making him your enemy try to be on the same page with him.
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What I am wondering is WHY you married this man in the first place. What sparked this sort of connection? What about your husband made you think, "Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man!"? Something about him must have been awfully special at some point...
Think of those things. Are those things COMPLETELY gone? I'm sure not. Maybe some things are a little changed because the situation has changed to some extent. I'm sure he's still the same guy underneath it all. You have to find it again and praise him for those good qualities so he shows them more often.
I think a good chunk of your marriage problems are because of sudden changes you are making in your life. You have admitted that you felt you two had rushed the wedding. That was a mistake on both of your parts if you were not ready. You should have spoken up at one point and said, "You know...I think we should push this back a few months or something because this seems very overwhelming right now..." Of course, sometimes we don't realize how rushed we were until it's simply too late to push things back or make changes. It happens but, luckily, you have a partner to turn to and talk to about these feelings.
Next, I think your husband wasn't being mean or selfish when he told you to choose to either work or to go to school while you are pregnant. Pregnant women do NOT need to be under stress at all. Working long hours (or, hell, even half of the day for a pregnant woman) and then coming home to study for hours, possibly into the night, to prepare for large exam the next day...uh, that doesn't sound so wise for the health of your unborn child. You're young and maybe you don't realize that though. It's very hard to hold down a decent job and keep up on your college grades let alone add a child or a pregnancy to the mix. Your husband may have said it inappropriately and you interpreted it as a commanding, selfish, controlling thing but it really sounds like he only meant well. He told you to choose one and stick with it. Then he let you know his input--that he would go to work if he were you since money is tight and there is a baby on the way. I see no problem at all in him doing this. Hell, even if I wasn't pregnant I'm not sure I could handle both of those and a new marriage--they all take lots and lots of time, energy, and WORK! You can't given 100% at all of those, right? What are your priorities?
Being pregnant puts A LOT of stress on your body. Sometimes you become overwhelmed very easily because of this and you may not even realize it. It takes a large toll on your body and you need to realize that. Sometimes the things your husband says may not be the way you are hearing them. Your body is a little out-of-whack right now and you need to relax. If what he says or does seems wrong or off then bring it to his attention. He isn't a mind reader. He doesn't know what in the world is bothering you if you never open up to him--CALMLY--and tell him.
You must also remember that all of the changes that are going on with you are also happening to your husband. He may now realize that the marriage was a bit rushed. He may now realize that having a child so soon in the married is a bit rushed. He may also be feeling overwhelmed and a bit scared of what the future holds.
I don't think you should divorce your husband at all. I don't think you should kick him out or "tell him how it is." You two are missing some vital, calm communication though. Communicate!
I think you need to sit down with your husband and say something like this...
"I love you very much [name] and I want us to have a very good marriage. I really need to talk to you about some of the things I've been thinking about lately because I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I think the pregnancy in conjunction with the rushed wedding has really taken a toll on me and I need you to understand that. I know you are probably feeling overwhelmed too by all of these sudden life-altering changes. It's just...some things are really bugging me and I know we need to keep the lines of communication open between us. It's things like...[examples from what you've said here that has been bothering you]
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I feel like you aren't taking on your half of this marriage sometimes. I know that work is very hard to find but I'd REALLY appreciate it if you applied at more places and made some more calls. I know it's really stressful but our baby really needs that. We really need to pull ourselves together for our baby and I think it would help a lot if we both had jobs--even minimum wage jobs are better than nothing, right? I'm really concerned about this...
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Since being pregnant is really wearing me down I was hoping you could help me out a little at home. I know you're busy too and have a lot of activities going on but I'm feeling overwhelmed, like I said. I thought maybe if you tried to make dinner every once in awhile it would be really helpful. I think making dinner at home is a lot cheaper than eating out and I thought maybe you might make something quick and easy so it takes a little of the stress off of me.
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I know you REALLY like tea a lot and you go through a good gallon of it every day or two. I'm glad you're not drinking alcohol or something very harmful so don't think I'm trying to say not to drink tea. The problem is that $3 for a gallon of tea every two days seems to be pricey to me and I'm really worried about our financial state with the baby coming. I thought that maybe, if you're interested, we could look at some bagged teas and try to make a few of those for you to try out. We could find one you really like and I could whip up a gallon every couple of days for you. It's a lot cheaper and it would make me feel more at ease. What do you think?
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I don't like spending our hard-earned money on junk foods, especially since we have a baby coming. We both need to be in good health so we can raise our baby together and we need to be financially stable for the most part. Sometimes I feel like we buy some really bad things for more money than they are worth. Maybe we can sit down and make a grocery list together and try to stick with that for a couple of weeks. That way we can see what we are putting in our bodies and what we are spending our money on. I would feel a lot better if we took care of ourselves and our money. There are just a lot of things that we need to change with that, don't you think? Do you think we could sit down tonight and figure that grocery list out? Maybe we could even figure out a dinner list for every night of the week so it would put a little less pressure on me to find something we both want to eat...do you like these ideas?
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Being pregnant has really altered my body, I guess. Sometimes my feet get really swollen after working and it's pretty painful. My sex drive isn't what it once was now and I feel like I'm letting you down in the bedroom because I'm not wanting it as often as you are now. Could you please work with me on things like this? It's really stressing me out and I feel unappreciated sometimes because of it. Is there something we can do to help me feel better about myself and this marriage?
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Before we got married and I found out I was pregnant we use to go [somewhere] a lot. It was really fun and I enjoyed those date nights. We haven't REALLY had a date night in awhile and I think it would make us both feel closer. I had the idea to have a date night every two weeks, where we both could set aside one evening to do something really nice together. I'm free this [evening] and I know you are too. Do you think we could start this date-night thing then and see a movie? Then in two weeks we could do something else maybe. It would make me really happy...
Tell your husband everything that is on your mind. That is what he is there for. You are always suppose to turn to your spouse for help. You are in need of help, even though it's help with your spouse. Talk to him. If you have to, send him the link to this question and let him know what is on your mind. Be calm in talking to him. He isn't a jerk. He isn't a bad man. He isn't a lazy, good-for-nothing slob. He's under stress too, even if you don't see it. Things are changing for him too. I bet if you asked him about living at your fathers he'd tell you that he wasn't happy with it either. Sit down with him and make a financial plan on how to get out of there. Sit down with him and help him find places he would like to apply for jobs. Don't let this be a one-sided thing. He needs your help too. He needs you to guide him sometimes too. We all need to lean on someone when we are stressed and worn-down from some of the major life changes we've chosen.
Don't forget the romance that you're probably not having any more. When couples marry they stop going on dates. They stop the cute little things they did for each other before. They forget to miss one another because they're just sure they'll see them later. Remember that life can end at any more so make the most of it with your partner while you have them. Set aside time for each other. Some married couples go on dates (yes, get all dressed up and excited!) every week, every two weeks, or every month even. Whatever works for you and keeps the spark lit! Try it out with him after you explain the situation.
Relax and realize that this is not all lost. You're very new into the marriage and shouldn't drop it at all yet. You need to learn to open the lines of communication. You need to learn to tell him everything and be understanding because you are a pair now. You have to work together to get these things solved.
Marriages ARE give and take. Marriage means you AND him. It means teamwork. It means communicating. It means so much that sounds like you haven't figured out yet. Think about that. Apply that. You are unhappy so you need to tell him so you two can both work as a team to fix those problems. It's not all him. It's not all you. It's both of you two not being able to communicate right now. Keep trying. You will get the hang of it if you don't give up.
I hope things turn out to be just fine and you have a happy family together. If you have any more questions please feel free to inbox me! :D
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I TOTALLY agree with AuntKerry. I have been married 10 years, have two kids. We do argue, like in any marriage, but we have a partnership. Neither person is right all the time and neither person is wrong all the time. Marriage is give and take, compromise, choosing your battles. Having children requires a great deal of unselfishness; sounds like your husband is a selfish spoiled child himself. When you love someone, you are able to put their needs before your own. This man needs a wake-up call; you need to put your foot down about what sort of behavior and treatment will be tolerated and what will not be tolerated. I wish you the absolute best of luck and many blessings. Peace & Joy...
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I'm a mother too, and I think you've married a selfish, spoiled jerk who doesn't contribute anything to your marriage except pouting and gluttony. I agree with the other poster that children do better with both parents, but this guy is in no way ready to be a parent yet. So far you have one adult child and one more on the way. You shouldn't exist for any man's convenience, workwise, sexual or otherwise.
My first husband didn't care if I was nauseus either. If he wanted sex, we had sex and that was it. I left him 3 months into my pregnancy because I could clearly see 20 years down the road and there was no way I was going to be treated like owned property. Never looked back and didn't spend two minutes regretting my decision.
You can continue to try to save your marriage if you want to, but I think you're going to find he's a lost cause. Send him back to his mommy, who turned him into what he is today.
All my love,
Aunt Kerry
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Sounds to me like he wants to sit on his ass while you support him. On top of it, he doesn't want you to further your education to not only make a better life for your family, but to set a fine example for your child??
Honestly, sounds to me like you need to kick him to the curb and ask your dad to allow you to stay there and GO TO SCHOOL.
Maybe the boy you married will decide it's time to grow up and be a man, then you can reconsider things. Now, don't get me wrong- I think it's best to raise a child in a two parent home, but what does he bring into your family unit?
What is he going to teach your child?
That it's ok to sit on their lazy ass while someone else works theirs off?
Seriously. There's enough of that bullshit in today's society, as it is.
I'm married with two babies, ages 1 1/2, and 2 1/2. If my husband was like yours, do you think I'd pack my kids and ask Mom and Dad for a place to hold up for a while? You can bet your ass I would. You do what you got to do in order to provide THE BEST life for your children that you can.
Life is no longer about him, it is no longer about you.
At this point, you and your child would be much better off with him not in the home. At least until he opens his eyes to reality.
31/f
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For everyone saying divorce him, I'm thinking those people have never been in this kind of situation. When your pregnant and you are married you don't just get into a divorce. And if your pregnant and have someone to help you through it, it's not just easier to raise them yourself.
So don't listen to the people saying leave them, because I'm 15 and pregnant and had an amazing boyfriend for a year, and then decided to breakup with him and it was the biggest regret of my life I miss him so much. We barely talk now, and he's already realized it's easier being single. But I miss him.
Sorry if this didn't help much but it made me mad that everyone was saying leave him, I understand that you love him and he just has flaws like my boyfriend did. And he's a boy so that doesn't help, haha. Good luck :) At least your not as young as me, I'm sort of pissed about what title the advicenators gave you
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This man isn't good for you or your future baby, and the the first step to making progress is admitting that. It's great that you love him, but that fact alone won't help you build a stable and sucessful life for your family. He needs to improve or you need to part ways with him. I know it sounds harsh, but you are bringing a baby into the picture! Your child deserves the best and if he can't give it to him or her then he isn't the right guy or father.
If he loves you he will be willing to change. You need to have a heart to heart with him. I suggest having your father have a "man to man" talk with him as well, since he is experienced and his maturity might affect your husband.
I think you should make a list of reasons why you love him and want to make the relationship work, and another list of how he can make it work and give it to him. He needs to know how tired and frustrated you are. Tell him about the life you want, and how you want the two of you to work hard to accomplish it. Stress that you have a partnership, a team, and that you alone can't support it.
Could the both of you go to marriage counseling? Someone at your local church may be willing to see the two of you for free. He needs to see that he needs to give more to the relationship.
Offer him encouragement. Men sometimes need a push in the right direction, haha. Help him look for a job, write resumes, etc.
Use your resources; your friends, family, community. Child caring classes are usually available and would be great at showing you two how to deal with the new responsibility. However he can realize that he needs to step up is what needs to happen.
If he cannot after all of your efforts be a good partner to you, then you might just have to seperate. I think it would be the healthiest for you. Think about it, do you want two babies in the house? You can try to get child support and share custody to make your load lighter. Don't think that single parenthood is impossible, because it isn't. It can be hard but potentially better for you and the baby if the father isn't ready for the responsibility.
So please take careful consideration, talk to your husband, and make the best choice for the baby, because that is who it's about now.
Good luck,
-Abby
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What is it about this guy you actually love? I just don't see why. To be blunt he's a Grade A A---- if you get my drift. If he cared for anyone other than himself he would NEVER be doing this to you. He also knows that you don't have the nerve to stand up to him. He's walking all over you like a rug and it's got to stop.
What to do? If you have any sense and I'm sure you do you'll see that he's a big mistake and you need to move on or continue to be miserable for sticking it out with him. It's not a healthy environment to bring a baby into.
What you need to do is tell your parents what this SOB has been doing and that you need to come home and have their support to raise your child. They may not like this idea at first but as all parents do they'll take you back in. odds are they think he's as disgusting as he seems here.
While living at your parents pursue your dream and go to school, work days and better yourself. You won't get that with this jerk. Tell your parents and other family members what hell it is to live with him and they'll help no questions asked.
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I think it is about time you sat down with your 'husband' and have a good talk about your situation.
Why did I put 'husband' like this? Because as far as I can tell (and please do correct me if I'm wrong), he hasn't been a good one or been a husband at all. You haven't really mentioned his age but I'm guessing he's around the same age as you are. But even so, he should cast aside his football or whatever he does for leisure, grow up and get ready to become the father of your baby. You can't let any of this go by, just because you want to keep him happy. You need his support and it should be him looking for a job to bring in the money, not you. He is the man of the house and therefore, should be trying to look after you to the best of his ability as a husband and father.
It is unfair on you that you should be the one doing all the hard work whilst he is out with his mates in some tournament. Think about it in your head, what is more important: some silly baseball match or the baby? I think the answer is obvious.
He needs to learn how to become responsible fast because at this rate, this marriage won't last long. I'm not trying to forecast negativity, but in reality, unless you put your foot down and tell him what he can or cannot do (e.g. stop being a baby and get a proper job or just go to any tournament), then I'm afraid your going to struggle. What's going to happen when the baby comes? Where are you going to live? How are you going to feed yourself, your baby and his/her 'father'? It's good and all saying that your living at your fathers house, but do you really think you can live there for an extended period of time? And what happens beyond that?
If your 'husband' is not ready to a) become a proper husband and begin to look after you and b) become the babies father then those issues need to be sorted out now.
You say that you felt that you had been rushed into the marriage. A month later, do you feel as if it was the right thing to do? I suggest you talk to him about this as well.
I cannot stress how important it is that you sit your 'husband' down, get him to listen and tell him plainly. This is completely unacceptable behaviour from him and you should not even begin to put up with it. BTW, sex is out of the question and he needs to know that.
Get your dad to speak to him as well. Speaking of which: does you Dad know what the hell is going on? If he doesn't, then let him know. It's ok to tell him, he has every right to know as any family member.
If he ain't going to listen, even after all you have said. Give him an ultimatum: treat me right or I leave. Simple and plain. If he still doesn't get it, leave. You cannot be with somebody who puts themselves before you.
Please to tell me the outcome of this,
triquetra
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if you really care about him... and you want to make it work... read these books:
why men love bitches
and
why men marry bitches
it's not as strong as it sounds lol but "bitch" is just used in the context of respecting yourself and men respecting you.
you wont forget me if you do!!
xoxo
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wow. sounds like your situation is pretty close to mine. I'm 19 and have a baby and married. Most kids our age, are at college having the time of their life in a sorority or frat, studying abroad, pursing their dreams... getting married is something people do late on in life when they have really figured out for the most part who they are and what they really want. Their mature desires. I'm not saying you can't have those when your 18, (cause I'm in the same situation) but its okay not to. You're young, so i'm guessing your husband is too. I completely understand you still loving him and having the issues you do. Divorce is the easy way out, which alot of people are taking these days. I'm not gonna tell you to go get divorced right away because your treated like shit. First, make him realize you feel like your treated like shit. make him sit down and listen to you. say you understand that in this economy you understand that its hard to find a job, but that doesn't mean give up looking. Tell him that if he cares about you and his child to stop thinking of himself and spending money on him. Tell him you need to save money for your child. Tell him that having a baby is a life altering thing, that forces you to be completely selfless, tell him that you've made the changes but now he needs to. tell him its time to grow up and take responsibility for the family he chose to create. make sure he's really listening. tell him that you love him and want to do everything in your power to make it work, you just need him to meet you half way and you don't feel like he's doing that now and ask him to please step it up and prepare to take this rollercoaster of a marriage with you. good luck with everything. hope i helped.
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If you regret this marriage, then you shouldn't be in it. You need to divorce your husband. All the things you said are good enough reasons to divorce him. He treats you like shit, doesn't help you at all, and gets mad at you for little things. Instead of helping you or taking the time to understand, he's blowing up, adding stress, and making you feel guilty.
You're 18 years old. It is perfectly fine AND normal to raise a kid by yourself. You're working 40+ hours a week, and then coming home to a husband who nitpicks at everything you do. Divorce him. Everything you said supplies good reason to get rid of him. You shouldn't regret getting married to someone. Marriage should be a happy arrangement, not something that you're miserable in. Do what's best for yourself & your baby & divorce him while you can. Let him be an asshole to someone else. You don't deserve the bullshit he's throwing at you.
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You've pretty much given the internet every reason why you SHOULDN'T love your husband, but you insist that you do. I know this kinda sucks to hear, but in reality he's a shitty piece of shit and you shouldn't have to worry about someone who sucks ass. Like he does. You're NEVER going to change who he is, and he sounds like a dildo. You're the one carrying a baby, you should get some relief from work and such.
And also! You find yourself regretting marrying him. Yes, your own reasons, that's fine. Regrets are always a bad thing to have. You shouldn't really regret anything you experience in life. It should be learning if it's bad.
What it really sounds like you need to do, and I know it sucks because you're pregnant with his kid, but divorce. I'm sorry to say it, but I think you only love him because you think you should. You need to love someone because you know you do. And I know we've never talked before. I don't know you. You don't know me. BUT, what you've written here, has given us the impression that you've made the wrong decision. Which is ok. You're 18 years old. That's fine. You're allowed to make mistakes. You can easily raise a child in this day and age without a biological father.
But seriously, look into your heart. Is HE worth the pain and agony that you're presenting to us on the internet. I'm sure what you go through is 10,000 times worse.
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sounds like your husband is taking you for granted!what im gathering is that you seem to be taking the pushing around that he gives you. you need to start marking your teritory showing him whos boss.its for the good of you and your baby!tell him how you feel and get really angry about it. say if you dont push your game up then your walking out!i mean whats he doing for you?nothing your the one working your the one growing a baby inside you your the one doing everything.maybe even open your own bank account. you need to be safe then sorry. just go to the bank ask to open an account under your name and tell them not to send you statements to your house and just do online banking..if hes going to blow that money over crap then you need to prepare yourself!
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Your Husband has a lot of growing up to do The baby is not good timing but never a mistake. Sometimes you just got to take conrol of the banking go see the manager sort something out. he is very irressponsible to by junk food with a wife & child inpending on 2 days a week salary when bub comes & if you need a cessarian you cannot lift over 15 20 kgs for 6 mths, hows he going to feed you if you cannot breast feed formula is essential baby never goes hungry grown adults can.. but not bubby. I would leave him if he dosen't pull his sox up if he loves you he'll change his habits. Good luck Hope the baby is safe & well.
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