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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm 31 years old and I've been married for about three years. As of late I've been getting the feeling that my girlfriends do not care for my husband to tag along when we go out. Before I was married I went out with my four best girlfriends once in awhile to a club to dance or a bar to have a few drinks, talk, and catch up on the latest news. However, since getting married and having three children we rarely have time to go out but when we do we enjoy going out together. Both my husband and myself are very secure people, in that we are not jealous of our interactions with the opposite sex or what have you, but we just want to spend what little time we have together TOGETHER. Our marriage is fairly new and we haven't grown tired of one another and it's a wonderful feeling but as of late my friends don't seem to understand why I can't come out alone. I've tried expalining to them that although we are secure in our marriage we don't feel it's appropriate to go to clubs without the other spouse. Generally clubs are for meeting people, socializing, dancing, and drinking so it's best that we go together. My friends refuse to accept my position but I don't feel their attitude is right because none of them are married and they can not appreciate my situation and have joy that my marriage is going well. As hard as marriage can be it frustrates me that they have no consideration for me in that regard.
I'd love to get some opinions and also feedback if any of you have had a similar issue.
The Answer
You are right, and you are also completely wrong.
It is perfectly right and fair to not want to go a club. Even if you were not married - even if you simple didn't like clubs, it's fine to have an opinion and a preference about how you spend your time.
However, if you value your friendship with these women, you must be willing to make time for their friendship – probably without your husband tagging along.
When you begin to say "Well none of your is married so you don't understand" you are being as inconsiderate as they are – that is unkind and belittling. They 'understand' just fine - they simply disagree, and desire your company.
Being a friend means making time for friendship - just like being married means making time for your partner! It’s a lot of priorities to manage of course, and if you don't wish to invest time into these friendships any longer, that’s fine.
But if you do want these friendships to continue, you are going to have to put in some time and effort to make that happen. If you wish to engage in other activities with these friends, then you need to spearhead those plans and invite your friends along. Don't expect a larger group to change their culture and plans just because a single member’s tastes and opinions have changed – group dynamics don’t work that way. Instead, design a get together for the girls that you feel comfortable participating in. Pick a spot that is more mature and will have less of a pick up culture. A music venue where the performers are more of the focus. A spa afternoon or seesh, go bowling. And yes, leave the hubby at home more often than not.
If your friends are expecting you to tag along exactly the same way you did when you were single, that is not right of them, but you are also making a mistake if you think that the group will welcome your husband to tag along at every event and tailor all activities to your liking. You are free to go out with them or not, but if you want to maintain your connection with them, you are going to have to put some effort into creating evenings you can all enjoy – and yes, that is probably going to mean leaving your husband out of the mix.
If you don’t wish to leave your husband at home, and don’t want to invest the added time and energy into adapting these friendships and nurturing your connection with these women, then end the friendships. It’s perfectly okay to change and drift away from people – but it’s not all their fault – time just changes people. Either let it happen, or make a real effort to foster the friendships in ways that work for you.
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The Question
Every time I buy a book or something from walmart or target the barcode sticker thingy that's on the back of it would say something like US $12.99, Canada $14.99. How come things in Canada cost more than things in America?
The Answer
Well, for a very long time the Canadian dollar was worth nucg LESS than the American dollar. For a long time each Canadian dollar was worth about 70 cents in American money.
That is why is costs Canadians more to buy the same thing.
However, for the past few years the Canadian dollar has been doing very well, and the American dollar has been getting weaker.
Right now, 1 Canadian Dollar is worth 96 cents in American money. Many Canadians are very upset that stores still charge them the mmuch higher 'Canadian price' even though our dollar is now worth much the same as the American dollar - sometimes it has even crept past the American dollar and been worth more.
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The Question
Hey I'm 13 and I hear people say how people from Canada are nicer than Americans and I was just wondering how theyre nicer. Is there less crime or racism or drugs or other bad stuff there so people just treat each other better? Or is it just that people there are more polite? Would you like to live in Canada? Is it better than the U.S? I'm from America but is Canada just like it us here or is it better?
I know there's a lot of questions. Sorry, I do that alot. Just answer what you can. :)
The Answer
Statically speaking, there a great deal less crime in Canada as a whole then there is in America as a whole -- of course there are better and worse places within each country, but as a general rule, you are much, much less likely to be the victim of a violent crime in Canada.
There is, I think, less tolerance for racism in Canada, and a good deal more upwards mobility in Canada than in the states. (That means, it's easier in Canada to have been born poor, and work towards a better life. In America, you are more likely to live and die in basically the same economic class as your parents -- especially if you are not white.) There are lots of historical reasons for this, but it remains basically true.
Having lived in both countries - although only in the US briefly - from day to day it doesn't feel much different. In the long run, it is very different. In Canada, you don't worry about having cancer, or a car accident, that will drain your bank account. Canadians are generally less fearful and suspicious of their government (not always a good thing) and most trusting of strangers. I wouldn't necessarily say they are more polite, but since they are less fearful and antagonistic, they are less likely to become violent or radicalized. They are also a bit more likely to assume the best of others, and want to provide social services and leniency when dealing with crime and drug abusers, rather than punishment.
I'm Canadian. So I think it's better to be in Canada than the States for many reasons, one them simply being that this is my home. But there are also some downsides. Canadians can be very apathetic towards politics, so our freedoms can be chipped away before we really notice. We tend to ignore political scandals - even when we really shouldn't. Because there is so much American influence here, it's sometimes hard to make Canadians aware of what is happening at home.
I wouldn't say we are less stressed, or less money-hungry. But because Canada always regulated the national banks very heavily (mostly to protect them from the influence of the much larger American banks) Canadians have slightly more realistic attitudes towards money and debt. We are a culture that saves, and that pays off dept as quickly as we can. Those attitudes, along with the preexisting regulations, have made Canada one of the countries least effected by the economic problems of the last few years.
I like it here more. There are certainly problems. For example: Americans have greater freedoms of speech than Canadians do. For example, John Stewart couldn't do what he does if it was in Canada and about Canadian Politics. He would be sued for slander and liable - even though he was just being satirical. Americans also have a voting system that represents the will of the voters better than the Canadian system (although, I prefer the Canadian multi-party system to the American, two party system...)
Anyways, there are lots of differences, and lots of reasons for the differences. You should visit places in Canada and find out for yourself.
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The Question
Is 20 too young to move in with someone? I am about to get my bachelor's in a few months, I have a job with which I can support myself,and with a year or two more of experience there it will easily become a career. I live on my own, and I've been best friends with the guy for a year and a half. He is 25, is financially stable, has money saved up for a future family, he is responsible, lives on his own as well.
We haven't really talked about it much, but is it weird for me to want to settle down so young? There's no job I want more than to be a mother and wife. I would love to be a stay at home mom, and then work part time once the kids start school. Obviously, if my husband can't support the family while the kids are still too young to start school, I can work as well too, but the first alternative would obviously be the ideal because I'm not too keen on daycares.
Is it strange that I thought this all through? I don't want to rush into things, I want to start with moving in together first for a year or two, and seeing how that goes. Then getting engaged and married and all that (I don't really believe in long engagements, if I am going to agree to marry someone I would be ready to marry him that very second). I'm not a big fan of weddings either.
This man and I have survived through a ton, more than most relationships go through in such a short amount of time. Where most relationships fall apart, we stayed strong (but of course we had many fight and disagreements along the way, it hasn't been perfect, the important thing we resolved them and moved on).
Is this weird? Should I tell my man that my dream is to be a wife and mother? Right now he's working hard to save up money for the kids he plans to have, so I feel that its something he may appreciate hearing, but I don't want to freak him out by telling him I want this now (I want it in 3-5 years). And I know he doesn't want that right now either, he doesn't feel financially ready.
Any personal stories on how you took your relationship to the next level? I feel like the man should be the one who decides when that will happen, but will hinting ruin things? I don't want him to feel like I'm pressuring him, because I know that with him that's the worst way to go about things.
The Answer
So, are you a committed relationship with this man?
You are right on all counts: 20 is very young. Statically speaking, you are still at a heightened risk of divorce, martial violence and poverty is you get married in the immediate future. Co-habitation at 20 is more likely than not - based on the numbers - to fail.
Having said that, you are both doing all the right things. You are both independent and responsible. Sensible and driven.
But you called him a friend… You say your relationship has endured, but I’m worried you mean your friendship. You never say boyfriend. Your question is a little weird like that.
And if it isn’t solid and long-term, then you are rushing things, and using your very bright, sensible mind to justify wishing for a family with this man, when you should really be working on establishing a long-term, romantic relationship with him first.
Date for a year - firmly and consistently - then talk about co-habitation. Being a friend and being a boyfriend is not the same thing, and you cannot grandfather your years as friends and say ‘Oh that counts…’ It doesn’t. It’s not the same.
There is nothing wrong with having goals, but your 'goals' are evolving into a fantasy life you are building around this man. That is never wise.
Having said all that, if you are IN a relationship with this guy, then you should tell him what your goals are! People who are together for a long time in committed relationships need to be able to share their goals and dreams. That’s part of truly knowing one another. After a year and half, he should know what sort of life you are hoping for in the future, and you need to know his goals and hopes too.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I have been best friends from a young age. After a few dating fiascos on both our parts, we realized that we wanted to be with each other. We are 6 months into our relationship and we both couldn’t be happier…except for one thing. She works at a job which keeps her extremely busy for about 5 months in the year. During this time she gets some evenings off every other week, and about one weekend off a month. I’m at the point where I love her so much that I want to spend every second I get with her, but my 40 hour a week schedule doesn’t match up with her 95 hour a week schedule. I find myself getting frustrated with the lack of time I spend with her, and the lack of physical and emotional connection I feel with her working constantly. We spend less time together, talk/text less, and our sex life is pretty infrequent. I can’t be in a relationship that is like this nearly 50% of the year.
With how hard she works, she has been getting praises from her bosses, saying she can go anywhere within the company. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her and her career. But because of this, her talk of possibly finding something else has changed to talking about staying for several more years. What’s worse is the fact that this is very close to her dream job, and what she went to school for. The time I get to see her, my frustration goes away, but then when she’s away I hardly feel like I’m in a relationship.
How do I bring up just how dissatisfied I am with her schedule? This is literally the only thing wrong in our relationship. I feel like bringing it up at all would push her away from me. I will be the one telling her that she shouldn’t pursue her dream, and getting out would inhibit her career. How can I effectively talk to her about and maybe even fix the situation?
The Answer
Her work schedule is not The Problem in your relationship.
The problem in your relationship is that you are feeling disconnected and distant from her.
That’s not your fault, but it’s also not fair, or respectful, to blame that solely on her workload, or to pretend (and yes - it IS pretending) that if she only worked less you would automatically feel better.
Diagnosing the problems of the relationship takes two people - You only get to label your problems and feelings - not hers and not the relationships. It’s not fair to approach any conversation with your partner assuming you already have found the ONE problem and know the ONE solution. (ie, You Work too much. Work less and we’ll be better). That’s a path straight down deal breaker lane.
I'm not saying you're a bad person for feeling this way -- you most certainly aren't, but if you want to speak to her effectively, you need to come at it from a position where you label your OWN feelings, not one where you assume you’ve got her, and the situation, all figured out.
If you are only willing to label her ‘work schedule’ as the problem, then you are automatically rejecting a value she has expressed AND worse, you are closing the door to many other possible solutions to your feeling of disconnection (i.e., the real problem). If her work-schedule is your ‘only problem’ then you are limiting yourself to an ‘only solution’.
So, how to do you start? You tell her honestly.
“I’m feeling disconnected. I love you but we’re very distant right now. Can we think together of some things we can do to renew our bond?”
Come to it the conversations with some suggestions that seem manageable to you, even ones that would require her to work less. Ask about ways to scheduled date nights, or lunches together. Make sure she is aware of how important this is to you, and just howdissatisfied and unhappy you are, but don’t tell her what to do about your unhappiness ("You should work less!") instead, have some ideas of what you might do together (‘If you are out too late to call, can you write a letter on your lunch of after work? And I could respond in the morning’ ‘Are there work functions I can join you at? Even as a volunteer’ ‘Can you arrange to have a scheduled time each week off’). Get creative, and if she feels her schedule is the part of the problem, let her suggest how she might address it. Make sure she appreciates what a great hurdle this disconnection is for you, and how much it upsets you. The goal is to work out solutions together, not to tell her what you think the solution should be.
Change your goal: Your goal is not to ‘fix her schedule’. Your goal is to feel more connected.
If you tell her “I think your schedule is the problem.” She may honestly answers “Well, I don’t think it’s the problem.”
If you tell her “I have a problem and it's effecting my ability to be in this relationship, and I love you and want to work with to solve it.” You are in a much better, communicative and respectful place.
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The Question
Those are your words in your advice response. I didn't approach anybody. She approached me!
The Answer
EDIT:
I'm not feeling badly here hun. You are the one who is upset and trying to defend and excuse herself.
The fact that you are feeling this upset, and trying so hard to defend your feelings (while refusing to acknowledge that it is your behaviour, not your feelings, with are the problem) should be a pretty good sign that you did not behave perfectly.
Think about it. You are not blameless here. Feeling something doesn't magically turn the things you do into morally correct actions.
--
Did she approach you and demand to do know if you were in love with her husband?
Unless she did that, then YOU approached this inappropriate topic of conversation.
And even if she did approach you and demand an answer to that question, YOU still had a responsibility to consider how your actions would affect, and harm, others.
It would have been more honest to tell her "There is nothing going on between your husband and I. He turned me down." then to express your feelings for him. It would have reflected the true facts of the situation with respect to his choices and their marriage, instead of selfishly putting forward your own agenda and trumpeting on about your precious feelings.
You are responsible for what you do and say. Approaching a married man is wrong. Talking to his wife about your desire for her husband is wrong. Accept it. You behaved poorly. Perhaps other people behaved poorly and made mistakes too! But thier mistakes don't make your behavoir any less wrong.
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The Question
So I was dating a guy whom I really liked for about a week. He stated to me that he was relocating on to the area where i live, we spent a lot of time together, spent father's day with him helped him out when his work vehicle was in the shop everything that i possible could do to be nice to him. he spoke with my roommate and she asked him what was his intentions for me he told her that he really liked me and wanted to start a relationship with me. the next day I spoke with him three times we text back and forth. Well the last conversation I had with him, he wasn't mad there was a connection problem and said he would call me back. The conversation was going great I had asked him was he going to be up when i got off from work because i wanted to see him after i got off from work. He said yeah. Well after the connection problem with the phone he said he was going to call me back he never did, so i text him a question he didn't respond i texted another question and he didn't respond. So after i get off work and I get to the place where he's staying he doesn't answer his phone, his room phone or my text. Now i'm pissed so I come back to his room the next morning speak with the hotel manager and they said he checked out the day that I spoke with him. Now i'm curious because he didn't mention that to me. So I call and no answer and I text him letting him know that I'm worried about him. and still no response for about 22 hours I'm calling and texting him worried sick about him and no reply. So i called for the last time and his daughter answers the phone hands the phone to him he answers with hello and all I say I just wanted to know that your ok and he hangs up. before this call I sent him, his brother and his niece a message on facebook basically saying that I'm a concerned friend and wanted to know if he was ok. But know that I know that he's ok I'm pisssed because he couldn't even tell me that he was ok, and why he did what he did......I really did like this guy and don't know what to do....Someone please help me.....
The Answer
He's a dick.
Unforcunately, that is all you are every likely to know.
He is probably a dick with another woman on the side (or, you were the other woman all along.)
But whatever his reasons, or excuses, you can rest assured that they are not good enough, and that he is a selfish dick.
Get used to not knowing. You'll live most of your life not quite being sure why or whatfor.
You know what you absolutely needed to know:
This guy is a selfish ass, and you are better off without him.
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The Question
How do I get over him when I don't feel my love for him is wrong, when I don't feel it should be a reason for any of his family members to dislike me???
I've been open about my feelings. He doesn't like me - not the way I like him - but I've told his wife I love her husband. She said she appreciates my honesty.
I did not want to be looking in her face, having feelings for her husband and feel like a hypocrit...Say "Hi" to her, wishing i was hugging her man.
Why don't I see anything wrong in having feelings for him? Am I supposed to feel like i am commiting a crime or something??? 'Cause if I am, I am not.
I want him to be MY MAN. I want him emotionally and sexually. I want to love him forever, BUT I do not ever want to be his wife, don't want to steal his wife's place - i remember all too well the suffering my father put my mother through - do not want to cook, clean, wash, iron...do not dream of becoming a housewife.
I am madly in love with a married man. Am I supposed to be feeling guilty? SHOULD ONE FEEL GUILT EVEN WHEN THEY ARE LOVING???
The Answer
You don't need to feel guilty about what you feel.
There is nothing wrong with what you feel.
It's what you did that you ought to be ashamed of. Your actions were reprehensible.
You had no right or reason to approach his wife.
It doesn't make you a hypocrite to keep your inappropriate attraction, unreciprocated affection, to yourself. That is not a lie. That is respecting the fact that some things are none of your damn business. When a married man tells you that he is not interested, then he and his marriage are none of your damn business.
If you did feel like a hypocrite you should have sucked it up and realized that causing his family pain just to alleviate your little bad feeling of hypocrisy was not okay. That's like ripping someone else's heart out just to make your stubbed toe stop hurting. It's an entirely inappropriate trade off. Sure your little toe feels a bit better, but the other person is left there bleeding to death.
You choose to disrespect him, his wife and his marriage just to make yourself feel a little bit better. That was a deeply selfish thing to do. You inflicted your feelings like a weapon on their family just because you felt like it. That is not the behaviour of someone who just wanted to be honest. That is the behaviour of someone who drama-seeking and trying to make something that had nothing to do with her- their marriage - all about her.
Sometimes we can’t help how we feel, but it is the height of selfishness and self-involvement to not consider how your behaviour might affect other people.
You are perfectly right to honestly feel whatever you feel, but you are absolutely wrong to go around doing whatever the hell you feel like!
You might honestly feel your boss is an asshole, but walking up and telling him so is not appropriate. You may honestly feel like stealing someone else's car, or pet, or child, OR husband! But it's completely fucking wrong to actually try and DO it.
The things you have chosen to do are completely wrong.
Apologize to them both, and then stay the hell away from them both.
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The Question
the other night i gave oral sex , and the next night my throat was sore and red idid protect myself by usuing a condom, during sex but not ORAL SEX cud i have contracted and STD. i cant believe i did this. jst please help ease my mind cud it be an STD causing my sore throat ?
The Answer
You can get an STI from oral sex.
You need to be tested to find out if you did.
However, it's also quite possible that you had a mild alergic reaction to semen. Or that you overworked the muscles in your neck and throat and they are sore. Or even that you gagged too much and caused yourself some pain. Performing oral sex can also worsen existing infections and colds in the throat that are completely unrelated to STIs.
You need to get tested, because it is possible that you contracted something. It's not worth panicing over, but being a sexual active person means getting into the habit of being tested for STIs. So go do it.
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The Question
Hi , recently I've gotten back on my feet when it comes to my love life and a new relationship is begining to sprout. There's just one issue my sister Melanie. She's always finding a way to ruin my realtionship with someone and we don't get along at all. Today the guy I'm talking to; Javier came over, only me and my sister were home. I did not plan on having sex with him we were just sitting and cuddling in my porch, and guess my sister saw cause now she just wants everything, I have to buy her silence.
It's horrible I can't trust my sister with these things. Cause I wouldn't blackmail her. Can you please tell me a stratgey if some sort to get her to put this behind us??
I'm 16/f my sister Melanie is13/f and Javier is 17/m
The Answer
Look, it not your relationship with your little sister that is the problem here. She thirteen. She's gonna try and pull this shit. The trouble is you aren't letting your parents do thier job - which is to stop her from pulling this shit!
Your problem is your relationship with your parents.
Tell them what happened, and that you are dating someone, and that your sister is trying to blackmail you.
Better you get in trouble with your parents then give your sister this kind of power over you all.
Talk to your parents - unless they are going to violently beat you for having a boy over - it will be better for everyone in the long run, including your relationship with your little sister.
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The Question
my soon to be husband moved my daughter and me into his house this past january its been real nice up untill lately his brother lives there also and another room mate well his 40 year old brother doesnt pay rent or pay bills or even buy food for the house he lops around doing nothing at all sleeps all day and up all night. He just recently started being smart towards my family and my daughter by the way she sleeps in the den he has his own room she is 14 and he doesnt give her no privtecy last night i went to cook and he through out all the forks and spoons that i use to cook with . how can i get this loser to leave i have told my boyfriend and he just feels sorry for this bs of a what he thinks is a man i want him to leave i pay the bills and buy food he doesnt do nothing what can i do to get him out ?
The Answer
It's your boyfriend's house, so your boyfriend has to be the one to remove him.
If your boyfriend won’t do that, then you need take your daughter, move out of his home, and delay the marriage until your boyfriend is willing to help you provide an acceptable home environment for your child.
It's really that simple. You have no legal right as a fiancé to kick his brother out. If your fiancé won’t remove this brother, then you need to remove yourself and your daughter.
Give your fiance a month, no longer, to remove his brother. Your child needs her own room, and you need to be in a marriage where you do not have to support a grown man fiancially. If in 30 days the brother is still there, pack your bags.
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The Question
My guy friend of 4 years just now tells me( female ) he wants more than friendship now or he can't be friends . We have never had sex and I do not want to take it to that level with him. This really hurts my feelings cuz I don't want to lose him As a friend what should I do ?
The Answer
If he wants to have sex with you and is saying that the friendship is over if you don't have sex with him, then the friendship is already over, because he is a manipulative asshole who doesn't like you or respect you, and you should never speak to agian.
If he asking for a date, and you don't want to date him, respect his feelings and understand that sometimes you can't stay friends with someone you feel so much more than frienship for. Let the friendship end. Maybe when he doesn't feel the same way about you, you can be friends agian.
It's always tough to loose a friend, but sometimes it's the best choice. If this guy is a creep who is trying to bully you into sleeping with him by threatening to end your friendship - then that is someone you shouldn't be friends with anyways. If he is just a guy who knows he either needs to give a rommantic relationship with you a shoot, or back out of the friendship because he can't be satasfied with it, then he's an honest guy and you should respect his choice to end the friendship, just the way he needs to respect your choice not to date him.
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The Question
In the start of college term, I was really nervous and found it difficult to find friends at first. However, I soon enough made friends with a classmte 8 years older than me. It wasn't long till I knew nearly everyone in the class and made new friends, successfully slotting in college life. However, soon I found that I had much more common things to talk about with friends my age rather than my 8 years older mate who enjoyed talking bout sex quiete frequently. Because of this class leader among girls, which I became close friends with,disliked my older friend and soon enough I found myself in a rather awkward position between to opposing friends who hated each other. Bitchiness and cruelity against each other seemed unstoppable and ever growing and it was a difficult and appearantly impossible task to keep neutral and stay good friends with both of them. In one of the parties, where I stayed at my class leaders house I quite drunk and when my older friend was expecting me at bar with her group of friends I wasn't able to go. Now by all means, my older friend is not quiete my friend anymore and thinks I have taken sides. Recently one of my friends suggested that she might be jelous over my boyfriend who is older than me and closer to her age. I do not know what to believe and I fear I have actually let my old friend down, however I still want to be friends..Is it possible tobe neutral in life or is it true that life is about taking sides? All this bizzare situation makes me envy guys who don't spend time in gossip and intrigues. Thank you for reading this messy story. I would appreciate your advice and thoughts bout this.
The Answer
Hun, you aren't neutral about this!
You don't like your older friend that much. You also don't like how catty any of your friends are being. That ISN'T neutral. You have an opinion and you have feelings about the situation. You can't go through life pretending you don't.
It's not always about 'taking sides' it's about having a brain and having an opinion and likes and dislikes, and not being able to pretend you don't.
So what do you do? You tell all your friends to cut it the fuck out. It's one thing not to like another person; it's another to be a bitch. If you want to be friends with your older friend, then you apologise for letting her down (‘cause you did) and you tell her that even though you aren’t as close as you were and probably won’t that close again, you still want to be her friend. You tell your other friends that it is okay if they don’t like her - but that you don’t want to hear them bitch and talk shit.
It’s not that complicated - but instead of trying to pretend to be neutral, stand up for what you want and believe. You believe they are behaving badly! Tell them so. You want some sort of friendship with all of them - good. Try to make that happen.
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The Question
Hello I'm a 20 year old female and I'm always tired. Even after getting like 6 hours or sleep or so a night I'm still tired. I've been working the late shift at work 4pm-1am so I haven't been getting to bed until real late. Do I have a vitamin deficiency? I have to slam 5 hour energies just to get me through the day. Any advice on what I could do to help become more rested. I do work out like 2 times a week but I feel like that makes it worse. Thanks and I do rate!
The Answer
Three things:
Stop with the go pills.
Schedule at least 8 hours of sleep.
Drink plenty of water, and make sure you are eating right (especially, make sure you are getting enough protein and iron).
Six hours simply isn't enough for most human beings.
The vast majority of us need 8 to 9 hours sleep in order to function normally. If your body is used to 6, it might take you a while to program it to sleep longer, but even if you just sit in bed and twiddle your thumbs for two hours (or better, listen to some relaxing music, or even a podcast) you'll be ahead of where you are now. Being tired if you are only getting six hours or so of sleep a night isn't a vitamin deficiency -- that's just normal, old fashioned tired!
However, given your troubles it's a good time to take a look at what you put in your body. Make sure you are drinking enough, and remember that most young women are iron deficient and don't get enough protein in their diets. Make sure you are getting what you need from your foods.
And finally, while we are on the topic of 'what you put in your body' you need to stop taking go pills. They are just causing you to become dependent on them in order to feel awake and they will prevent your body from getting into any natural rhythms.
You are getting to that age where you are no longer a teen and a child. You will start to discover more and more, that if you give your body crap, it won't do what you need it too. That's just being an adult. Give your body enough sleep, enough food and don't fuck it up with go pills, and it will be nicer to you.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together about a year. We live together and are planning to get married. When I first met him, we were aiming for something casual, as we'd both gotten out of relationships. Therefore, when he said he was poly, it didnt bother me - I didnt want anything from him but the obvious.
However, we both developed very strong feelings for each other and began to struggle with the inevitable issue. He identified as poly, and I'm hardwired monogamous.
We tried to make compromises between the two, and though he didnt meet anyone, the door was potentially open, in some regards. But not open enough, so one night we had a massive fight and things almost ended.
I agreed to try and work with him on this. He still didnt meet anyone and it was obvious I was devestated. I didnt try to make him feel bad, but I was depressed, and had some pretty massive doubts about the relationship for I was relatively sure I couldnt survive in a poly relationship forever.
As it is, it didnt come up, and eventually he offered me monogamy. Which I gladly took.
In a lot of ways, he seems more geared towards it. He cant stand other guys showing interest in me, he loves being the one person I'm with, me being "his" and all of the things monogamous people feel. I am bisexual, however, and he is far more okay with the concept of that - in an ideal world, I'm sure he'd have me date a girl, and him date one too.
Most guys are naturally more polygamous, and most girls are naturally more monogamous, according to psychological studies, so this is normal.
He's seemed perfectly happy with a mono relationship, and lately we are discussing engagement and marraige, looking at rings, etc.
It was almost all but forgotten, us in a very happy relationship.
However, literally by accident, I saw one day that he looks at w4m casual encounters on craigslist online. This concerns me, because before me I know he had replied to ads like that. I quickly became very nervous, and though I know this is wrong, checked his internet history. It was filled with porn and w4m sites. I checked his email, and there was no suggestion he had replied to any of them, though obviously there is no way I could know that for sure.
I apologized to him for looking and explained how this made me feel. He told me that it was like porn, that it was harmless, but that he'd try to stay away from sites such as that.
However, I can't explain it, but with classes about to start up again (I'm 23 and in university) alongside full time work, for the first time in our relationship I will not be around as much.
About a week or two after what I found, I found myself stressing out, and doubting, and being overwhelmed by fear. Eventually the temptation became too strong, and I thought I'd just peek, real quick. Which I did, and sure enough, the day before, hours of w4m posts.
I became upset, and told him I looked. He was angry (justifiably) and said that I didnt trust him.
I guess, in a way thats true. I believe that people lie when it comes to getting what they want, and more than trust, I didnt believe that it meant nothing that he looks at this. It meant something.
I asked, and he said that he dosent like monogamy. That he would never cheat on me, but sometimes he'll look. Just look. That he fights for us everyday, fights against himself, and in some way resents me for holding him back from other relationships. That every day he chooses me.
I asked him if a day would ever come that he wouldnt choose me, and he said he didnt know how to answer that question. I said "You just did."
Flash back to months and months ago, I distinctly remember him saying "Its a sacrifice I'm happy to make." But that dosent seem true.
My question is this. Are we doomed? Don't jump to the negative, just consider this. What can I do, what can he, and are we just doomed as a couple? Can we get past this or should I stop this, now, before we're married?
The Answer
It's a bit like saying 'He's gay but we're in a straight relationship'.
Sure, people can choose things they know are not the ideal for them. They can even devote themselves fully to living lives they are know are not their best case situation. There are lots of reasons someone might do that - and even do it successfully for their entire life! - not the least of which, they may genuinely love and wish to be with someone who can't share in their preferred type of relationship.
Without being a too much of a cynic, I have to ask you:
Can you get past this?
You’ve already answered this question. You say you are hardwired for monogamy. You have been, and likely still are, convinced you cannot live in a poly relationship forever. You aren’t trying to ‘get past’ this. You are sticking it out hoping he’ll change - or at least stay the same and not get any ‘worse’.
Can he get past this?
You’ve got the answer to this as well. He truly doesn’t think he should have too. He has no hope of you changing your mind, and perhaps sometimes he even hopes he can ‘get past’ the poly. He think white lies about his porn habits are justifiable when he it’s all he’s got and if that keeps him otherwise loyal to you. As messed up as that is, it is also him making a real effort to exist in a way that keeps the relationship alive without crushing his vision of himself and his preferred way of living. In the long run though, if he doesn’t change his mind he is going to come to the same conclusion about monogamy as you did about poly -- He won’t be able to live this way forever.
So can you get past this together? Probably not.
I have a lot of respect for you, at such a young age and in such a serious relationship, that you’ve been able to stand up for what you need and want, but here’s the rub: If you really want this relationship, and eventual marriage to last, one of you is going to have to change their mind. Genuinely, and truly, change the way you perceive relationship and romantic love.
Is it going to be you?
If not. Walk away, right now. ‘Cause it’s not kind or respectful to demand it be him and despite his efforts, it’s very unlikely he is going to change his mind. Even if it were likely, it’s a fair demand to make of yourself, it’s not fair to demand it of another person.
It’s probably over. You know it. He knows it.
This guy isn't jerking you around. He said "It’s a sacrifice I'm happy to make." and it was probably true. But forever is a long time. Things don’t stay exactly the same forever. We can’t promise to stay happy forever.
It’s the same reason you shouldn’t punish him for refusing to say “There will never be a day when I wouldn’t choose you.” That’s an unrealistic request from the best relationship. The VAST majority of people, poly or not, during the course of a life-long relationship, fail in some way. Many never cheat but fail in their devotion in other ways, many cheat once and never again, some fail over and over again, and some of their marriage last, and some don’t.
If you want to work on mind changing - for yourself - take your boy and see a sex-positive relationship therapist. Talk it out with a mediator. Make sure you understand each other and both have a space and time where you can speak honestly and ask the questions you need too. You are at the point, where you either do that, with the true desire to find compromises that work and recognize that the same compromises may not work forever (like they didn’t for you before, and don’t for him now), or you end it.
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The Question
Hi, I'm a 15 year old guy and have had some family issues over the past year which have caused massive tension within my family. As a result of this, my mother has sort of lost it and it angry at me all the time. I am a straight A studet at school, and have practically no free time because I do so many other activities that she has urged me to do. However, whenever I do something other than study or clean she yells at me. Our house is always extremely messy and she has made everything my job. I have to do hours worth of dishes (we have no dishwasher), clean the bathroom which is filthy within days of cleaning it, and feed all the pets. If I don't do this because I have no free time, she yells at me and prevents me from seeing my friends or girlfriend. I feel like I never have any time to relax or be with my friends, and Mum has unrealistic expectations of me. The family arguing has gotten to the point where the only thing I look forward to in life is moving out in a few years. What do I do?
The Answer
Keep looking forward to moving out in a few years and drop some of your 'other activities' that she urged you into.
You have too many commitments.
Doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom and feeding the pets are not exceptional 'life-maintenance’ requirements. Honestly, I'm twenty-six and those are pretty much the three things I must do (plus laundry) in order to survive from week to week. When life gets crazy, I can drop pretty much everything else, but those sorts of things MUST happen. I had seven other kids in my home growing up, and those chores were actually more or less the ones I had (plus walking the dog and weekly vacuuming) - I know they are tiring and time consuming, and harder when there are more people around, but I also know now as a young adult, that they take about the same amount of time even when you live alone.
If you are struggling to find time for those basic chores - then you have over-scheduled your life. You need to cut back on some things in order to survive. Some chores just need to happen. The ones you’ve listed are pretty much non-optional, whether you live alone or with others.
Now, I’m not saying your mother is right - she is clearly not behaving very well at all. However, you also have to face the simple fact that you are trying to do too much. You’ve taken on more than you can bear, especially given the added stress and pressure at home.
Your mother might have very unrealistic expectations -- but I’m betting you have some unrealistic expectations of yourself as well. Drop a class you don’t need. Tell a club that you love ‘em but you’ve got too much. Tell a sport team you had a fantastic time but you’ve got to focus on yourself for a while.
Something DOES have to give, but it’s probably not going to be your mother or your chores, so you’ll have to drop something else. Better she yell at you once for dropping something she urged you to do, then yell at you every day because there are simply not enough hours in the day for every obligation you have.
If the chores are becoming a sticking point, talk your mother about establishing some guidelines so you both know when things will happen. It doesn’t have to be a strict schedule, but writing the expectations down will help you if she starts to yell. You can point to the expectations and say “Look, I’m doing what we agreed on. We can change the agreement if we need too, but I did what I said I would.” Of course for this to work, you do need to do what you say you will.
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The Question
well theres this guy who i used to like, and he didnt like me much back then, now i dont like him and he likes me. How do i let him know i dont like him, without hurting his feelings? any answers would REALLY be appreciated !
The Answer
Just be honest.
It ALWAYS hurts when someone tells you they don't feel the same.
You can't protect him from that - if you try too hard to protect him from the truth you risk leading him on and giving him false hope. And that's even worse.
Tell him you just don't have romantic feelings for him anymore. Tell him you hate to hurt him, and if you want to be his friend, tell him that too. But above all make sure he understands that you are not interested.
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The Question
When a guy tells his friend that he thinks you are too innocent what does that even mean?
My guy friend was trying to hook me up with his friend, so we all went out and i asked my friend what he thought and he said, i was alright looking but was too innocent, what does that even mean? please help! and what do you recommend i do for the future?
The Answer
The cynic in me says: It means he wants sex and he thinks he won’t get to have sex with you.
In a kinder view: It's a polite way of saying he doesn't feel you'd be compatible in a relationship, and that he feels you have different values and desires from relationships.
Take it as a compliment and an honest ‘just not that into you’ comment, and let it go. Whatever the reason, he's just not that into you. It's better to know that now. You don't have to change anything, this guy just knew you and he weren't right for eachother. And if he knew it, it's probably true - you just hadn't noticed it yet.
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The Question
at my daughters school next year,(9th grade) in PE there will be a swim unit and boys and girls have it together? Why is this allowed? Wouldn't this make girls feel uncomfortable. Wouldn't boys use this opportunity to harass or humilate girls? Also, why are boys allowed to be shirtless in the presence of girls? Why is no sense of modesty maintained
The Answer
It is possible for people to treat one another with dignity and respect while wearing swimsuits.
Not only is it possible - it's actually a valuable thing to learn how to do.
As many people have mentioned, it’s not just the girls who are uncomfortable. Boy at that age are also sensitive and very aware of their bodies. Boys also get bullied and made fun of by their peers (including girls) because of their bodies.
And that’s wrong. That’s always wrong. The teachers and instructors of the swim program are likely well aware of this, and have systems in place to help deter and punish those who do not treat their classmates with dignity and respect. It would be very fair of you to talk to the teacher about their methods for maintaining proper respectful behaviour at the pool.
However, it is completely acceptable, too many if the majority of people in my community, for young people of that age to take swimming lessons together. Swimming is very important life skill, and I’m always very happy to hear when schools include it in their curriculum. Not knowing how to swim is a scary thing that can limit a person and cause stress in their life.
Modesty is not a bad thing - but being modesty isn’t the same as being respectful and being dignified. Being modest is something many people use to ENFORCE dignified and respectful behaviour, but dignified and respectful behaviour SHOULD be able to happen even in the absence of modesty (--if bathsuits are in fact immodest, which many parents would not feel they are.)
Your child will - in class and in life - be exposed to some ideas and experiences that you do not approve of. Your job as a parent of a young teen is not to try and defend them or restrict them from every possible thing you dislike or disapprove of, but to give them the tools to understand and behave justly and with dignity and respect, even in situations where that might be difficult.
If you don’t want your child in this class, talk to the school. I think you’d be very wrong to remove your daughter, however, since she is your minor daughter, you are allowed to make many decisions on her behalf - even if I - and everyone else here, thinks they are the wrong decision.
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The Question
What to do to have a great orgasm?
The Answer
The way that works for you.
That's the same asking "What's the best food?"
Everyone has thier favourites. There is no one best food.
There are lots of things you can do to reach orgasm. Some will work and some wont. Some will be better or worse for you. No one else can tell you want your favourite food is, and no one else can tell you what kind of sexual activities you'll enjoy the most.
Experiment. Try new things. We don't give Sexual How Tos on this site, but there are many places that do. Find what interests you, be safe and respectful.
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